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Rainbows in our windows …

Happy new year we cheered
Fresh starts
New beginnings
New love
New life
for some
Then things changed
Things started to get weird, strange times were just around the corner
And all those hopes and dreams were temporarily put on hold
For something that was beyond our control
Mass panic buying in shops
Disreguard  for those not as fortunate as ourselves
As they looked disbondently at
All the empty shelves
Human contact was restrictly forbidden
And we were forced to stay apart  from those we love
We socially distanced two metres apart
Latex gloves ,hand gel ,face masks became the norm
We found time to reflect on all the things that really mattered
We cleaned
We baked
We pottered in the garden
We zoomed
Skirting boards gleamed as we sat in the  garden
Face timing friends as we ate banana bread
We washed our hands to the
tune of happy birthday
We clapped on Thursday for
all those who kept us safe and kept us going
and we morned those who passed
as the numbers kept on rising
Acts of kindness
Each gesture was never too small and under appreciated
And soon we pray that isolation will be over
And whenever that time maybe
Because with everything
There is always a start , a middle and an end
This is not forever
So for those of us who have been apart
When this is done never let go of those who hold a special place in your heart
Mehefin Bolland  2020

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Tablets on toast…

Alarm clock rings

Birds sing

Half awake

The bedside lights are still burning

I’m still afraid to sleep in the dark these days

in case the demons return

And I’ve noticed I’ve lost my place in the book I was reading

Before I fell into a dreamlike state

Awake

I am conscious not just of my surroundings

But that my mood has flatlined whilst I’ve been sleeping

Barely I crawl out of bed

I don’t shower

Or dress

Its not the kind of day for effort

I make my way to the kitchen

With glass half empty

And toast on my plate

I pop the pills 1, 2, 3, and 4 onto the toast

But I don’t feel full

Like cheese and beans would make me feel

Tablets on toast just make me feel numb

Until I feel sleepy

Whilst all round me their day has just begun

Mehefin Bolland © 2018

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Open…

I want to delve inside your heart
To understand what makes it tick
I need to taste you
To know if you’re really bitter or sweet
I need to look through your eyes
To see the beauty that you see
To feel the vibrations of malleus, incus and stapes
So I can understand the sounds that make you dance
To crawl beneath your skin
In order for me to feel every emotion that you feel
I want to explore every inch of you, until I find your soul
And when I do
I will open up to you and tell you how I really feel
Because my gut is saying you feel like home
Mehefin Bolland © 2008

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Regret …

Would we ever have got past the ‘seven-year itch’?

Would our bed have become a bed of death?

I guess we’ll never know

Why did we give up on us too easily , me and you

Couldn’t we have fought harder to save our love?

I suppose life and distance always seemed to get in the way

Yet despite this no one could ever replace you

You are the frozen prayer, the miracle

I asked for

Back then

When my life was missing a piece

I now realise was you

I still speak of you in the present not the past

Because you’ve never really left have you?

You are my biggest regret for I should never have let you go

You are a constant presence that lurks beneath my skin

That stirs whenever I think of you

A temptation I must try to ignore

Mehefin Bolland © 2018

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Rain down on me…

Rain down on me

Baptise me

Allow this blackness to disperse and disappear

For I have grieved far too long for those living and dead

It is if I do not hear the music anymore

I hear a strange lamentation instead

For those that were taken from me too soon or

were lost in heights of love

Rain down on me

So I may open my eyes to see the colour of her hair

Set fire to the sun

Let her warm this dead heart of mine

And let me hear the music once more

Mehefin Bolland © 2018

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Linger…

If I was asked what is my favourite day would be
I have two I would reply
Saturday and Sunday
And it would be said without hesitation
For these are the days I like to wake before you
Just so I can watch you sleep a while
And wonder what you are dreaming
For there are all the days in between
when I have no time to linger
To take time to appreciate your beauty
So here I lie with my head on my pillow facing you
Trying not to move
As your arm is draped across my belly
I do not want to disturb you
So I lie perfectly still
Whilst I with photographic eye
I capture your image to hang in the darkroom of my mind
For those times when we are apart and you are working through the night
Sometimes you pretend to be sleep
Don’t think I don’t know
But the corners of your mouth begin to smile
Give the game away
Yet you allow me to take you all in
And when I am done
With your eyes still shut
You whisper in my ear
Morning
l says it back
And with eyes closed we lie face to face
Because on days like this we can linger
June Bolland © 2016

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Legacy of words…

Quietly I sit looking for inspiration
As I try to unlock the words captive inside the cage in my mind
And all I am left with is the feeling of frustration
Of not being able
To set my thoughts free
To run across this empty page
That lies before me
There are so many things J
That I need to say
I sense you watching me from other side of the room
Briefly I break my concentration
and this comfortable silence that we sit to look at you
To ask if you’re ok
Yes you reply , but there is just one question you ask
Why do you need to write
Without hesitation
I reply for you!
To give you affirmation that my love for you is true
To show you the gratitude for you loving me and for allowing me to love you back too
And most important I continue to say my words  they are a gift from me to you, a legacy
If for whatever reason I’m no longer a part of your journey
I hope you can look back on my memory of words
And know
that I was very much in love with you

June Bolland © 2016

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Cross outs

Its that time between dusk and dawn

The time for lovers

To rediscover one another

This is time I miss with you

When we had endless chats

Time when we laughed

as we tried not to wake the neighbours next door

(God I miss your laughter)

And when I was feeling blue

You’d get up and make me a brew

and climb back into bed and snuggle

me in close to you so I could breath you in

(God I miss your smell)

I sometimes used to count down the hours

just to be alone with you

But now things have changed

The bed feels very strange

without you lying here next to me

I can still picture you engrossed in a book

Whilst I waited patiently for you to put it down so we could fuck

(God I miss the taste of you, I miss the softness of your skin)

But now the time between dusk and dawn

Is spent thinking about you

Its a time when the tears that have gathered all through the day finally flow free

Its a time for me to write down over and over

To summarise how I feel about life, how I feel about you, about us

But so many times I cross out what I want to write and start again

I often wish life was just as simple

That we could cross out all the bad bits and start over again

Because I want if I’m being honest, is to cross out what went wrong

And for me to be lying next to you,

watching you whilst your engrossed in your book waiting patiently for you to put it down

Because its that time between dusk and dawn

The time for lovers

To rediscover one another once again

© J Bolland 2016

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3am Lyrics…

12 months on
Do I sarcastically raise a glass to the fact that I survived
Or do I wallow because secretly I’m broken
without you here beside my side
Truth is all I know is I regret that day
That I finally drove you away
I remember the tears we both cried
That day we realised no matter how hard we tried There was no more us
There was
Just a you
Just a me
I’ve tried to move on
I’ve tried to stop the emptiness
that occupies my mind
With  the company of friends
But they are no substitute for you
They don’t get me like you do
(like you did)
There is an emptiness that lies next to me in bed
And no more words of devotion come in my head
There’s a longing in me
That feeling of love still lingers there for you
Because no one touched me like you do
(Like you did )
Early hours come and go
But your arms no longer wrap around me and wake me from my slumber
So many nights I have resisted calling your number
So in the early hours of the morn when I have the urge to talk to you
I instead outpour my feelings onto the page
I write because I am confused
I write for you my muse
But if the words are not there I play ‘our ‘ song
In order to remember all the good times we had
Before everything went wrong
So if you read my words
Because I know you do
remember those ‘ 3am lyrics’
Hold nothing but the truth
They say everything I feel about you
12 months on

© June Bolland 2016

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Truce…

My heart is over ruling my head today with random thoughts of you
I try and convince myself it will pass
I realised I asked too much of you
pulling you in
pushing you away
promising you the world
A promise I could not deliver
my bipolar saw to that

I realise my heart , it’s rhythm is slower these days
because you are no longer here to make it beat fast
but as I said my heart is over ruling my head today
Its making me think of happier times
Things I thought I’d put to bed
Random thoughts that now make me search out the box in my bed side draw, the one that holds our rings
I take yours out and gently hold it like I’m holding you again

My heart is asking my mind questions it has no right to ask
It’s wondering if I called you would say “Hello”
I’d ask you if we could call a truce on the love and hate thing that we’ve had going on
cos I hear your on you’re own again
and I’m thinking that you could do with a shoulder right now
But maybe not , as I said I cannot give promises I cannot keep
But maybe all I really  want to say to you is I fucked up and well my heart still misses you, but as I said my heart is over ruling my head today

© June Bolland 2016

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Love divine…

You did not care about my monstrous shape
And the snarled expression etched upon my face
You did not recognise the hideous beast
That I thought was me
You gave me a place of tranquillity
A place where I could be at peace
Perched up there high
Upon your spire
And as the night drew in
You’d usher me down
From my solitude
To frolic between your transept’s
And dance up and down your aisle
amongst the crevices of your nave
Until I reached your chancel screen
Where beyond laid your inner chapel
Ordained with such beauty
Your Alter laid
And on bended knee
You offered me your holy sacrament
And as I did I tasted the sweetness of your wine
A crescendo of bells would begin to sing
And the moon lit up the transcendent windows to your soul

Copyright June Bolland 2015

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Absence…

How long has it been now ?
Since the great silence descended
How long has it been now ?
Since the nights became lonely and darker
How long has it been now ?
Since this void replaced you
The truth is I can’t ask you
as your absence is all too clear
So I shall have to answer my own questions
Not long enough do you hear
Does that surprise you my dear
What did you expect my world to come crashing down without you here to hold it up
See this is the madness of love
It can turn completely on its head
I once loved you so much
I’d have given you that world that I speak of
But now I can barely utter your name sometimes without having such feelings of contempt
It saddens me to think of you that way
But my absence has left you with a void you have quickly filled
It has allowed you to fill the silence with someone else’s laughter and make your nights no longer lonely or darker
Now I am not bitter at knowing this
You know me better than that
I just hope she makes you happier than
I did
Just promise me one thing though
If things do get difficult don’t run and hide , face up to them , challenge them
Do not give up like you did on us
Do not allow someone else to feel your absence .

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Ink…

My thoughts flow from the ink of my pen
Only for their pain they write  to be stemmed by the paper they are written on
I so want to write of love and happier times
and of  memories of  when my fingertips once explored all of you
But the ink that flows 
now only  stains  my fingertips with its ink so black
Its colour has invaded my heart, my soul
As I know there cannot be  anymore happy memories to write about
I have to instead write of closure  and leave behind heartfelt sentiments and  feelings I still  wish to  express
And so the words I now write are full of sadness and are numb
For knowing that no more words  will express my love for you and the memories we once shared when my fingertips once explored all of you
Copyright June Bolland 2015

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Blue eyes…

I’m readjusting to the silence
instead of conversing with you
I’m relying on one way conversations that now resonate in my brain
I’m recollecting the reasons why I fell in love with you
Maybe it had something to do with fact your eyes were an incredible blue
Maybe the colour attracted me
As I was familiar with the colour blue
The blue of my bipolar
But then I realised your eyes were not an ice cold blue
Like the thousand tears I cried before I met youu
There was a warmth to them
they reminded me of the colour of the ocean
they invited me in
That day I fell in love with you
but loving someone with bipolar is a difficult thing to do ,
But for you falling in love with me was never going to be easy
there were minutes, hours, days, weeks, and even months
when I inexcusable hurt you and just pushed you away
But there were so many beautiful times when I drew you close into me
These are the times I’ll shall recollect
For no one in my past or in my future will ever compare to you
For you will always be my special
one with your eyes so blue
Copyright June Bolland 2015

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The right decision?…

Clouds of doubt
Over shadow my mind
Of how I miss the little things we use to do
I miss keeping your hand warm in my pocket on cold winter days 
I miss waking to the now void that was once occupied by you
I miss driving you to work and waving you off
I miss our  morning chats before the sun was barely up in the sky
But most of all I miss  the softness of your skin
All the things we (I) took for granted
It hurts to think I’ll no longer share these things  with you
I sometimes wonder
Did we make the right decision
To allow this illness that renders
my mind Incapable of logical thought
and allows it to  continually push you away (now forever)
We should have fought harder you and I (for our love)
For we were (are) two people still very much  in love ( you and I cannot deny the facts)
But life has a habit of getting in the way
It saddens me we are so near ,just living  3 miles apart , but you feel so far away that I know we both feel  alone and lost

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Reminiscence…

Left only with memories
of senses we once shared
and how what remains today
feelings no matter how mutual and amicable the choices we made
we drifted out of sight of one another and of how now in the cold reality
of the day it pain effects us
both and always will

Copyright June Bolland 2015

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She…

I was going to write a review of 2014 , but to be honest it’s a year I personally wish to forget.I had an occuring bipolar episode which has effected me most of the year. I nearly lost the love of my life because I pushed her away,  she left me for abit, but thankfully returned.Since then she has been at my side every step of the way.

I’ve never met a person with so much love and compassion. Dedicates most her time to helping and caring for me and her loved ones with no hesitation and never asks for anything return.

So I’m taking her away on a lovers holiday in the New Year to say thank you and to show her that no amount of words or poetry can really express the love I feel for her, sometimes showing her is far more important, anyway we’re going to spend some much dedicated time to all the things she loves to do and had missed out on for so long (one being Beach walking).

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Silhouettes are not required tonight …

Tonight I need your touch

I want to witness the love that stares

back at me

No pieces of shadows do I want to see

dancing on the wall in rhythmic formation

For silhouettes are not required tonight

Tonight I want our love to be surround by light 

Where the soft hue outlines your beauty

In all its wondrous sublimity

Tonight I want our love to be shared amidst

The dimmed lights

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Scars and broken vases…

How would I feel?

How would I react?

To  possibility  that

I could meet you again

The thought of it chills me to my core

Not that I should be scared

Of upsetting you anymore

Or upset at

Remembering the things

You did

Bites, kicks, closed fist and of how I hid

I have a montage of scars concealed

And broken vases fixed

I probably try to evade you

But If I were to meet you again

I’d probably pity you

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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An unbreakable bond…

What is love

Love is like dancing

Under a moonlit sky

Love is the feeling you

When you release a captured butterfly

Love is knowing you are there to hold

Love is knowing that when we fight

We are human enough

To admit when we are wrong

Love is you knowing every secret held in my soul

Love is having an unbreakable bond

Love is you and I

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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In your entirety…

Ours lips lock

Swirling of tongues

As I taste your kisses

I feel the softness of you

Lying there under me

In slow motion I caress

Your breasts

Everyone of my kisses are waiting

To explore you in your entirety

And as I journey  further down slow

I rest between your thighs

I hear your mellow sighs

As I enter you

And ecstasy awaits you

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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MONDAY’S OFF…

LET’S GO WALKING IN THE PARK

AND DANCE AMONGST

THE AUTUMN LEAVES

LET’S GO BEACHWALKING

AND SIT A WHILE

AS THE SEA WASHES THE PEBBLES

AND MAKES THEM SHINY AND NEW

LET’S GO DRIVING AND LOUDLY SING SONGS

AND FORGET THE WORDS HALF WAY THROUGH

AND BELLY LAUGH WHEN WE DO

LETS STAY AT HOME AND MAKE THE MOST OF THE

TIME WE HAVE ALONE

I DON’T CARE

WHATEVER WE DO

AS LONG AS I SPEND IT WITH YOU

COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND

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LOVE IS SAT THERE ON THE SOFA…

THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT MY PARTNER

SINCE  NOW I HAVE BIPOLAR

THAT SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH

TO STAND BY ME NO MATTER WHAT

REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY TIMES

I PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH HER AWAY

THAT SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH

THAT WE AGREE TO TALK

IN FRONT OF STRANGERS

IN THE QUIET ROOM

THE ROOM THAT CALMS US BOTH

THE ROOM THAT CLEARS OUR MINDS

TURN OUR FEELINGS INTO WORDS

BRIDGES THE VOID

WHERE THE THIRD WHEEL SITS

BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH

LOVE IS SAT THERE ON THE SOFA

HOLDING MY HAND

TURNING WORDS INTO FEELINGS

LETTING ME KNOW

WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS

BECAUSE SHE REALLY DOES LOVE ME ENOUGH

COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND

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Paranoid thoughts…

You are the silhouette in the corner of my room

You are the sorrow snake that that writhes

Around in the pit of my stomach

You are the ice creature with human eyes

That follow me everywhere

You are the presence in the room

I cannot see

I can only feel

You are every fear I hold within

You are the pain that wants

To turn myself inside out

You are my paranoia

My paranoid thoughts

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY…

THINGS I HAVE LEARN’T SINCE HAVING BIPOLAR
CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY
EVEN THOSE ONES MADE FROM THE TABLE CLOTH
HANDED DOWN THE GENERATIONS
THEY LIED TO ME
THE VOICES IN HEAD
BECAUSE GRAVATION MAKES YOU GO SPLAT
AND YOU’LL END UP HAVING AN OPERATION
TO FIX YOUR BUSTED ANKLE
SO CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY

OTHER THINGS I LEARNT TOO
IS IF YOU PEEL BACK YOUR SKIN
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT
THE VOICES IN MY HEAD
TOLD ME TO DO
THE SKIN IS ICE BLUE
BÚT THEY LIED TO ME
MY SKIN IS PINK
MY VEIN ARE BLUE

SO NEVER TRUST THE VOICES INSIDE YOUR HEAD
AND IGNORE EVERYTHING THEY TELL YOU TO DO

COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND

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When the bough breaks…

When the bough breaks

His body will fall and

Lie there alone on the floor

No more pain and anguish

Will he feel

No more stigma will he face

For time will stand still for him for evermore
But for those left behind

Those that loved him

The pace of time will not changed

For tomorrow will still turn into today

And the memory of his lost will never go away

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

 

Written and posted for World Mental Health Day 10/10/2014 and for all those of us and our families that are  affect by mental health issues and in memory for  those who have lost their battle to Mental health and the families they have left behind.

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Bubble wrap…

You’re constantly worrying

About my moods becoming low

You say you want to protect me

Like a fine china mug

If they do

And wrap me up

in a bubble wrap hug

 

You’re constantly watching me

Checking to see if I am

Acting  TOO well

Just in case  I’ve  been missing my meds

That if I become too high

I know you’ll be there to make THAT call

Like bubble wrap lying on the floor

I know you’ll be there to break my fall

Copyright 2014  June Bolland

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Inner landscapes…

The inner landscape

 

Of me

 

Is damaged

 

Is broken

 

That one slip and I will fall

 

Between the cracks

 

Into the hell

 

That is my

 

Damage mind

 

But love will

 

Always be stronger

 

So with the strength

 

Of your arms

 

You pull me back through

 

Between the cracks

 

You hold on tight

 

Prevent me slipping into

 

The hell that is my

 

Damage mind

 

Because love is

 

Always stronger

 

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Egos go splat…

I’m tripping of over egos

That lay lying on the floor

Splat!

There goes another one

sometimes the ego

Becomes  too big for the people

That are responsible for looking after them

they over balance because

Some people just let them get too fat

So be careful of the

misplaced ego’s

That lay lying on the floor

Make sure you look after your’s

Before you too go

Splat

And you’re the one who

Lays lying on the floor

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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A journal to survival…

Leaving

It’s been 8 months 15 days

Since my thoughts disappeared

Into the blueness of my mind

Until nothing of me was left behind

Deeper I withdrew myself a little more

each day

I  did not realised you leaving

Lost

It been 8 months 4 days

Since I let you slip away

And my demons arrived to stay

To cavort and taunt me

They would not let me be

I tried so hard to beat them

But soon I began to realise

they had won and I had lost

Hallucinations

It’s been 4 months 22 days

When the voices arrived

They mocked me

I was petrified

I witness my own death

And my own cremation

This was the being of

the hallucinations

 

Recovery

It’s been 3 months 15 days

I did not know what to do

I called for your  help to get me through

Even though we were no longer lovers

You arrived in the middle of the night

You calmed me and reassured me

You told me you be there and help me recover

 

Survived

It’s been 2 months 2 days

When for the first I day awoke

I could smile

It been a while  after all the

days and months sat in darkness

But I realised I was still alive

That I had survived

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Sex…

Sex
This is what I want to share with you
To have your naked body
Lie with mine
Mouth
Hands
Fingers
I need to feel your touch
To be skin on skin with you
Until our bodies lie entwined
All of you
I want to rediscover the parts of you
I have missed so much
To let my senses get high on you
Complete
And when we are both satisfied
Unware there is anything
other than the space we now occupy
I want us to lie there face to face
With our gaze locked
So to feel the emotional connection
Of the intimacy we have just shared
Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Words are everywhere…

I carry words around with me in my head

And in the back pockets of my jeans

Words I’ve written of when I think about you

I have words on bits of paper hiding

in journals on the table at the side of our bed

I find words in the pockets of my jackets

In book I’m reading

And in books I have read

Words I’ve written whilst I’m at work

When I’m  day dreaming of you 

Random words that lie dormant

in the draws of my desk

Words full of such emotion

And expressions of deep rooted feeling’s

But there’s only one word

The truest word

That says what I will always feel about you

This word I carry in my heart

The word is LOVE

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Desires of wanting you …

Let’s touch base

Let’s discuss things face to face

Let me outline the facts

And tell you where my head is at

Babe I cannot lie

I cannot resist you for

very much longer

The urge to kiss you

is getting stronger

I miss your touch

I miss the softness of your skin

I miss your sweet sighs so much

But I know

We agreed to take things slow

But the desires of wanting you lying

next to me in our bed

Invade the thoughts in my head

But please don’t think

I want to rush you

It’s just every day

you’re not here

I miss you more

It’s because it’s you I adore

So please consider

what I have said

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Love letter…

I’m trying to write a love letter

If I’m being honest

I started off quite well

I’ve managed to write down her name

“Dear J”

But then the nib of my pen

became frozen to the page

And so did the thoughts in my brain

I’m trying to express the way I feel

But my head is full of facts it doesn’t

Know where it’s at

So many questions and answers

Of my desires of wanting her

And how I’ve missed her touch

And how I long for her kisses

Of how I  love her

so very  much

But do I dare

after asking her to take things slow

Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t got

Any further than “Dear Jo “

My head screams

So I try to relax, refrain

Start again

But the nib of my pen is still

frozen to the page

The words just won’t come

They cannot be written

Maybe it’s time for this bullet to bitten

Maybe I should just ring her instead

COPYRIGHT 2014 June Bolland

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Backpack Society…

What is wrong with this society

With it’s judge others before we judge

Ourselves mentality.

We daren’t ask of the roads they travel

We do not want to contaminate our feet

by  wearing their shoes

We do not want to be weighed down

by the backpacks that

carry their dreams

These are the lost

unravelled

left  vulnerable

By our Backpack society

We pretend to look the other way

We do not like to meddle

In  throwaway society

Where it is acceptable to queue for days

For the latest apple id

Yet we shun those that have no choice

But to sleep in piss soaked doorways

Begging for small change

And so I plead

Look into your heart

In this Backpack society

          Do not judge others before you judge yourself

Remember each and everyone of us

has a name

Everyone is human too

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Unfinished conversation from yesterday…

You asked me yesterday

if I believed in hope

in others words  for you and I

I couldn’t reply

I told you I needed space to think

So here lies the truth

This what I think

I wasn’t looking for serious

I wasn’t looking for commitment

I had a heart full of brokenness

A soul full of guilt

But you were the Celt gypsy who arrived

to steal my heart and

claim my soul to dance with it

in the rain

Without you I do not live

I merely exist

Without you I do not feel the

breath of air as it enters my lungs

You are every thought that enters

my mind

You are the skin on my bones

For you are integral to my being

You will always be part of me

That’s why I cannot ever stop

being in love with you

So yes I do believe in hope.

Copyright June Bolland 2014

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

A four letter word…

I try to write but the words that have been locked inside my head

Desperate to be freed, to be expressed

But the sentences have disappeared

This what a four letter word like meds do to you

My days seem to bleed from one day into the next

As I try to write these words

And as ink connects its self to the page when I think of your name

it weeps through

This is what a four letter word like love do to you

My nights are filled with dread

Every noise, creak,  groan

Makes me think there’s monster under my bed

When really it all irrational made up stuff in my head

This is what a four letter word like fear do to you

Copyright June Bolland 2014

May contain Rants

Medicated dreams…

They say the pills will help me sleep and dream “ medicated dreams”

But they don’t

It’s difficult to sleep with you now no longer here to spoon

They say the pills will help the voices in my head

But they don’t

They mock and taunt, relentless they tell me how I fucked up

They say the pills will help stop the hallucinations

But they don’t

See I still see you and a form of me

Before the madness arrived

So really all the pills really do is make regret, cry and miss you

Copyright June Bolland 2014

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Its good to talk …

I have my final counselling session today and I am a little apprehensive.  I don’t want it to end , I feel like I’m going to visit a really good friend for the very last time.It makes me feel sad but then again I should take it as a positive that I am grown up and no longer need my comfort blanket.

As I said in my previous posting I have recently been going through a really bad bipolar episode.I am now well on the road to recovery.  My mood swings are finally levelling out due to new medications and due to the  counselling sessions I have received.

My psychiatrist thought it would help me to attend counselling  as I was beginning to isolate myself more and more. Anyone who suffers from Bipolar will understand how debilitating  the isolation is when your going through a depressive phase.  I find it difficult to explain how relentless the battle with it is. Generally  I am loner anyhow, not of my own choice I might add but because I am the sole carer of mum who is paraplegic , I have been for the last 25 years  and somehow the isolation of it’s duties have been forced upon me, non of which is my mum’s fault , as she didn’t choose her illness nor did I. It’s just that people, friends stopped asking me to socialise a long time ago and previous partners begrudged the amount of time and commitment that went into looking after my mum. This is the reason why  my latest ex and I are still  close,  she’s the exception to the rule. (Discovered this through the counselling sessions)  I know  that people say the internet is a great place to maintain friendships and that it is also great place  to meet new friends , maybe , I have yet to be convinced , I think they work for a while and then people move on, but I am not blameless  it’s a two-way street and I know I am guilty in not keeping in touch and   maintaining friendships, I blame it on my  fear of rejection,I’ve always  shut myself off from friendships before they reject me!  ( also learnt through counselling). So whenever I go through a depressive phase the isolation is so much worst, because every bit of hurt,anger , frustration , rejection and self loathing is held deep within , and there is no one to share it with . So counselling was a blessing .

When I first started the counselling back in May I really didn’t think it would help, I thought it would be all cognitive behavioral therapy, which I’d previously had and which hadn’t worked.  I was also worried that I wouldn’t like my counsellor , but I was proved wrong my counsellor  Angela put me at ease straight away as we have a common interest we are both learning sign language. So the conversation began to  flow very easily. I was so amazingly so open with her  that I shared things about myself during that first session that no other living person knew about, so I came away surprised , relieved and optimistic.

I have looked forward to every counselling session since. Partly because it has given me purpose to get out of bed but more importantly it has been an opportunity to share   hidden aspects life , my thoughts, in fact  it was a place where I could just talk to someone in a  non judgemental environment. It’s been a place of laughter and tears and importantly a place of rediscovering what makes me tick. It’s given me back a rejuvenated energy and a purpose of which direction I want  my life to  go in. I believe it’s  fate that I had this Bipolar episode when I did because without it  I wouldn’t I have met the wonderful people  who have help me in my recovery including my  psychiatrist  and Angela my wonderful counsellor , who made me realise  with her  words of encouragement  that I am an empathic person and  that the counselling profession would benefit with someone like me. So you never know all being well  I too could  be able to counsel and help people in just like Angela has done with me. So hear’s to Angela for her Patience, her encouragement and kindness and making me realise it’s good to talk.

 

 

 

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Blue skies on the horizon…

A very short  synopsis of what’s been going on the  last few months.

It  would be fair to say that I have had a few difficult months recently. I had a major Bipolar episode at  the end of February which plummeted  me into a pit of absolute darkness  , I tried to struggle on but by March I knew I couldn’t function .Whilst this was going on my relationship with my fiancee was falling apart all due to the  intensity and problems surrounding  my  Bipolar. My ex  became tired of trying to get me to listen to reason, in trying to persuade me that I needed to get  help. No matter how well she coped with my rapid cycling and my sometimes rejection of her   and the verbal abuse  aimed at her too, she coped. What she couldn’t cope with was the issue of my denial and bad management regarding  this illness.

My partner was always really good at reading when  moods were about to change , where as  I was more inclined to ignore them. In December she told me  that she could tell I was heading for a breakdown and that I should seek help, I told her I was fine and choose to ignore her. BIG MISTAKE!

So January arrived and the extreme rapid cycling started, and then February arrived and this is when things began to come apart at the seams . I’ll set the scene for you -I was in a Board meeting at work   facing 18 people and within minutes of the meeting I lost it. Luckily for me my manager and one  my friends were there. As soon as I left the room I crashed to the floor and was lying in the fetal position , sobbing. This was the start.

Towards the end of  March with the commencement of  the breakdown still fairly fresh  my partner and I had huge row all  because I was still refusing to seek  help.  It was at this point she left me but only after I told her to leave. Never expecting her to actually go , I must admit I was not impressed , but now with clarity of mind I understand  why she did go  as now I know I left her with no other option, if I could have walked out on me I would have done. Anyway my partners absence was the wake up call I needed to go seek  help. I saw a psychiatrist , who prescribed me  new  alternative medications to the ones I was taking. So March rolled into July and then things became a whole lot darker.

Now I’ve  had frequent episodes  but none  have been  as terrifying  than this episode, purely because the new medications began to kick in. As a result drowsed I became submerged deeper in the darkness of my own thoughts, it was  then I began hearing  voices, I knew it wasn’t my inner voice or voices I recognised, these voices  were menacing and terrifying as were the hallucinations I was also beginning to have. It initially started with a voice calling out my name , I turn but they’d be no one there , this would repeat itself , each time the voice would appear to come from a different direction. As time went by the voice turn into voices , at first they seemed to laugh and mock , then they became menacing , just writing about it gives me a chill. It was at this time the hallucinations began . I remember the first time it happen , it was the early hours of the morning , I thought I could hear foot steps on the landing , and then  I saw two images watching me  terrified I called my ex partner in the hopes she’d pick up the phone I didn’t know who else to call. Thankfully she answered her phone and within 15 minutes she arrived to calm me down.

My ex stepped in and decided to take some  time off work to look after me , and my mum. The doctors agreed to let my ex look after me as she is a nurse.So since July , she been my rock. When needed she’s driven to my house in middle of the night and stayed awake with me as I have been terrified to be alone and when the voices and hallucinations were at their most prevalent, she told me focus on the blue skies and the view of the horizon by the sea where we often went to visit, happy times. She made sure my mum was properly looked after and more importantly she’s helped me survive this episode, by making me realise that I have so much to live for.Even though we are no longer romantically involve  we are as close as we can be .But we both realise the relationship will never be rekindled but it doesn’t mean that  we”ll ever stop caring for each other.  I’m just so  glad we  have one of those relationships that  despite everything we can  still be part of each others lives, after all we will always be  best  friends. So here’s to looking towards  the future,  and the being thankful to appreciate  those Blue skies on the horizon and to those who remind you that they are there.

 

 

May contain Rants

Thoughts…

We were two strangers

Until that first kiss

Remember how we smiled

through the whole thing

That was before the demons

took over the roller coaster ride

And my life became a series

of mania and depression

They say I now need timeout  

To  allow you time to recover

from all the hurt I’ve instill on you

That I need to quieten my mind

To allow my brain to recover

That I need to take my pills

to attend the therapy

and to learn how to control

the rapid thoughts that

race around my head 

Yet when I’m

Alone at night

I still think of you

And that first kiss when

We were strangers

Copyright June Bolland 2014