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Legacy of words…

Quietly I sit looking for inspiration
As I try to unlock the words captive inside the cage in my mind
And all I am left with is the feeling of frustration
Of not being able
To set my thoughts free
To run across this empty page
That lies before me
There are so many things J
That I need to say
I sense you watching me from other side of the room
Briefly I break my concentration
and this comfortable silence that we sit to look at you
To ask if you’re ok
Yes you reply , but there is just one question you ask
Why do you need to write
Without hesitation
I reply for you!
To give you affirmation that my love for you is true
To show you the gratitude for you loving me and for allowing me to love you back too
And most important I continue to say my words  they are a gift from me to you, a legacy
If for whatever reason I’m no longer a part of your journey
I hope you can look back on my memory of words
And know
that I was very much in love with you

June Bolland © 2016

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Mantra’s …

They make write notes on neatly
torn pieces of paper… Mantra’s
They make me read them over and over again because my mind needs to be fed
In order to sustain the  heightened  sense it seems to be in
Yet my consciousness is locked away in a little box they will not allow it be free
In angst I cry in frustration in being me
This is not the life I wish to lead
I cannot live without solid foundations
But the mantras tell everything will be ok
and who am I not to believe
In my state of heightened frustration
June Bolland Copyright 2015

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When the whole world is as one…

A very short posting. Firstly it was wonderful monumental day on 26 June 2015 in the US  but since then It has become apparent that the new celebratepride app/ photo profile that  is trending on Facebook has gone viral. As a lesbian I would of thought I would  of joined in  this trend but I can’t because there are 79 countries left in the world where it is illegal to be a homosexual. How could I celebrate when many can’t.  It would  leave a very bitter taste in my mouth. So when homosexuality is no longer illegal in any country , when  it is no longer punishable by life in prison or death then I’ll celebrate from the rooftops

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Egos go splat…

I’m tripping of over egos

That lay lying on the floor

Splat!

There goes another one

sometimes the ego

Becomes  too big for the people

That are responsible for looking after them

they over balance because

Some people just let them get too fat

So be careful of the

misplaced ego’s

That lay lying on the floor

Make sure you look after your’s

Before you too go

Splat

And you’re the one who

Lays lying on the floor

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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DRESS LIKE SPIDERMAN …

SOME PEOPLE WISH FOR RICHES

TO DRIVE IN FLASH CARS

MERCEDES OR PORCHE TO NAME BUT TWO

SOME PEOPLE WISH FOR EXPENSIVE THREADS

TO ADORN THEIR BACK

BY WEARING  DESIGNER SUITS

SOME  LIKE TO FLASH THEIR CASH

TO GO SHOPPING IN EXPENSIVE STORES

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO FORGET TO REMEMBER

ME I’D LIKE TO GO BACK TO 1971

REMEMBER HOW COOL IT IS WAS TO BE A CHILD BACK THEN

TO BE  5 YEARS OLD

DRESS IN YOUR SPIDERMAN COSTUME

YOU GOT FOR CHRISTMAS 1970

TO BE RIDING YOUR BICYCLE

WHILST YOU PEDDLE DOWN THE ROAD

OF  POPPING BLACK TAR BUBBLES ON WARM SUNNY DAYS

MAKING BIRDS NEST OUT FRESHLY CUT GRASS

OH TO BE A CHILD A AGAIN IN 1971

COPYRIGHT JUNE BOLLAND 2014

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A journal to survival…

Leaving

It’s been 8 months 15 days

Since my thoughts disappeared

Into the blueness of my mind

Until nothing of me was left behind

Deeper I withdrew myself a little more

each day

I  did not realised you leaving

Lost

It been 8 months 4 days

Since I let you slip away

And my demons arrived to stay

To cavort and taunt me

They would not let me be

I tried so hard to beat them

But soon I began to realise

they had won and I had lost

Hallucinations

It’s been 4 months 22 days

When the voices arrived

They mocked me

I was petrified

I witness my own death

And my own cremation

This was the being of

the hallucinations

 

Recovery

It’s been 3 months 15 days

I did not know what to do

I called for your  help to get me through

Even though we were no longer lovers

You arrived in the middle of the night

You calmed me and reassured me

You told me you be there and help me recover

 

Survived

It’s been 2 months 2 days

When for the first I day awoke

I could smile

It been a while  after all the

days and months sat in darkness

But I realised I was still alive

That I had survived

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Words are everywhere…

I carry words around with me in my head

And in the back pockets of my jeans

Words I’ve written of when I think about you

I have words on bits of paper hiding

in journals on the table at the side of our bed

I find words in the pockets of my jackets

In book I’m reading

And in books I have read

Words I’ve written whilst I’m at work

When I’m  day dreaming of you 

Random words that lie dormant

in the draws of my desk

Words full of such emotion

And expressions of deep rooted feeling’s

But there’s only one word

The truest word

That says what I will always feel about you

This word I carry in my heart

The word is LOVE

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Desires of wanting you …

Let’s touch base

Let’s discuss things face to face

Let me outline the facts

And tell you where my head is at

Babe I cannot lie

I cannot resist you for

very much longer

The urge to kiss you

is getting stronger

I miss your touch

I miss the softness of your skin

I miss your sweet sighs so much

But I know

We agreed to take things slow

But the desires of wanting you lying

next to me in our bed

Invade the thoughts in my head

But please don’t think

I want to rush you

It’s just every day

you’re not here

I miss you more

It’s because it’s you I adore

So please consider

what I have said

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Attraction …

I was never attracted to blondes until met her

to me they always seem to be blue eyed and too pale

They were just not what I looked for in a female

You see I had a type

All my other girlfriends  

were dark skinned coffee coloured eyed dykes

So what changed?

How do I begin to explain how the attraction

began to occur

To be honest it all a blur

It was 7 years ago

When she  literally turn up at my door

But one thing for sure

She’s caring and kind and her heart s so pure

And when she opens her mouth and speaks

Her accent makes me melt and go weak

I could listen to her all day

And yet despite her caring side

she feisty and wild

She made me see life from a different angel

she’s turned my world on its head

And it’s not just the passion she brought to our bed

It’s beyond that 

It’s the fact

 She believes in me

She see’s things in me other people don’t see

 So forget all the women I’ve loved in past

With their coffee eyes, black hair  

and dark skin I loved them individually

For reasons and for seasons

But they were never meant to last

Because with her you see

No one can hold a candle

 For I will love her for a thousand life times

Because being with her was met to be 

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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Love letter…

I’m trying to write a love letter

If I’m being honest

I started off quite well

I’ve managed to write down her name

“Dear J”

But then the nib of my pen

became frozen to the page

And so did the thoughts in my brain

I’m trying to express the way I feel

But my head is full of facts it doesn’t

Know where it’s at

So many questions and answers

Of my desires of wanting her

And how I’ve missed her touch

And how I long for her kisses

Of how I  love her

so very  much

But do I dare

after asking her to take things slow

Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t got

Any further than “Dear Jo “

My head screams

So I try to relax, refrain

Start again

But the nib of my pen is still

frozen to the page

The words just won’t come

They cannot be written

Maybe it’s time for this bullet to bitten

Maybe I should just ring her instead

COPYRIGHT 2014 June Bolland

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Unfinished conversation from yesterday…

You asked me yesterday

if I believed in hope

in others words  for you and I

I couldn’t reply

I told you I needed space to think

So here lies the truth

This what I think

I wasn’t looking for serious

I wasn’t looking for commitment

I had a heart full of brokenness

A soul full of guilt

But you were the Celt gypsy who arrived

to steal my heart and

claim my soul to dance with it

in the rain

Without you I do not live

I merely exist

Without you I do not feel the

breath of air as it enters my lungs

You are every thought that enters

my mind

You are the skin on my bones

For you are integral to my being

You will always be part of me

That’s why I cannot ever stop

being in love with you

So yes I do believe in hope.

Copyright June Bolland 2014

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A four letter word…

I try to write but the words that have been locked inside my head

Desperate to be freed, to be expressed

But the sentences have disappeared

This what a four letter word like meds do to you

My days seem to bleed from one day into the next

As I try to write these words

And as ink connects its self to the page when I think of your name

it weeps through

This is what a four letter word like love do to you

My nights are filled with dread

Every noise, creak,  groan

Makes me think there’s monster under my bed

When really it all irrational made up stuff in my head

This is what a four letter word like fear do to you

Copyright June Bolland 2014

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Its good to talk …

I have my final counselling session today and I am a little apprehensive.  I don’t want it to end , I feel like I’m going to visit a really good friend for the very last time.It makes me feel sad but then again I should take it as a positive that I am grown up and no longer need my comfort blanket.

As I said in my previous posting I have recently been going through a really bad bipolar episode.I am now well on the road to recovery.  My mood swings are finally levelling out due to new medications and due to the  counselling sessions I have received.

My psychiatrist thought it would help me to attend counselling  as I was beginning to isolate myself more and more. Anyone who suffers from Bipolar will understand how debilitating  the isolation is when your going through a depressive phase.  I find it difficult to explain how relentless the battle with it is. Generally  I am loner anyhow, not of my own choice I might add but because I am the sole carer of mum who is paraplegic , I have been for the last 25 years  and somehow the isolation of it’s duties have been forced upon me, non of which is my mum’s fault , as she didn’t choose her illness nor did I. It’s just that people, friends stopped asking me to socialise a long time ago and previous partners begrudged the amount of time and commitment that went into looking after my mum. This is the reason why  my latest ex and I are still  close,  she’s the exception to the rule. (Discovered this through the counselling sessions)  I know  that people say the internet is a great place to maintain friendships and that it is also great place  to meet new friends , maybe , I have yet to be convinced , I think they work for a while and then people move on, but I am not blameless  it’s a two-way street and I know I am guilty in not keeping in touch and   maintaining friendships, I blame it on my  fear of rejection,I’ve always  shut myself off from friendships before they reject me!  ( also learnt through counselling). So whenever I go through a depressive phase the isolation is so much worst, because every bit of hurt,anger , frustration , rejection and self loathing is held deep within , and there is no one to share it with . So counselling was a blessing .

When I first started the counselling back in May I really didn’t think it would help, I thought it would be all cognitive behavioral therapy, which I’d previously had and which hadn’t worked.  I was also worried that I wouldn’t like my counsellor , but I was proved wrong my counsellor  Angela put me at ease straight away as we have a common interest we are both learning sign language. So the conversation began to  flow very easily. I was so amazingly so open with her  that I shared things about myself during that first session that no other living person knew about, so I came away surprised , relieved and optimistic.

I have looked forward to every counselling session since. Partly because it has given me purpose to get out of bed but more importantly it has been an opportunity to share   hidden aspects life , my thoughts, in fact  it was a place where I could just talk to someone in a  non judgemental environment. It’s been a place of laughter and tears and importantly a place of rediscovering what makes me tick. It’s given me back a rejuvenated energy and a purpose of which direction I want  my life to  go in. I believe it’s  fate that I had this Bipolar episode when I did because without it  I wouldn’t I have met the wonderful people  who have help me in my recovery including my  psychiatrist  and Angela my wonderful counsellor , who made me realise  with her  words of encouragement  that I am an empathic person and  that the counselling profession would benefit with someone like me. So you never know all being well  I too could  be able to counsel and help people in just like Angela has done with me. So hear’s to Angela for her Patience, her encouragement and kindness and making me realise it’s good to talk.

 

 

 

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Blue skies on the horizon…

A very short  synopsis of what’s been going on the  last few months.

It  would be fair to say that I have had a few difficult months recently. I had a major Bipolar episode at  the end of February which plummeted  me into a pit of absolute darkness  , I tried to struggle on but by March I knew I couldn’t function .Whilst this was going on my relationship with my fiancee was falling apart all due to the  intensity and problems surrounding  my  Bipolar. My ex  became tired of trying to get me to listen to reason, in trying to persuade me that I needed to get  help. No matter how well she coped with my rapid cycling and my sometimes rejection of her   and the verbal abuse  aimed at her too, she coped. What she couldn’t cope with was the issue of my denial and bad management regarding  this illness.

My partner was always really good at reading when  moods were about to change , where as  I was more inclined to ignore them. In December she told me  that she could tell I was heading for a breakdown and that I should seek help, I told her I was fine and choose to ignore her. BIG MISTAKE!

So January arrived and the extreme rapid cycling started, and then February arrived and this is when things began to come apart at the seams . I’ll set the scene for you -I was in a Board meeting at work   facing 18 people and within minutes of the meeting I lost it. Luckily for me my manager and one  my friends were there. As soon as I left the room I crashed to the floor and was lying in the fetal position , sobbing. This was the start.

Towards the end of  March with the commencement of  the breakdown still fairly fresh  my partner and I had huge row all  because I was still refusing to seek  help.  It was at this point she left me but only after I told her to leave. Never expecting her to actually go , I must admit I was not impressed , but now with clarity of mind I understand  why she did go  as now I know I left her with no other option, if I could have walked out on me I would have done. Anyway my partners absence was the wake up call I needed to go seek  help. I saw a psychiatrist , who prescribed me  new  alternative medications to the ones I was taking. So March rolled into July and then things became a whole lot darker.

Now I’ve  had frequent episodes  but none  have been  as terrifying  than this episode, purely because the new medications began to kick in. As a result drowsed I became submerged deeper in the darkness of my own thoughts, it was  then I began hearing  voices, I knew it wasn’t my inner voice or voices I recognised, these voices  were menacing and terrifying as were the hallucinations I was also beginning to have. It initially started with a voice calling out my name , I turn but they’d be no one there , this would repeat itself , each time the voice would appear to come from a different direction. As time went by the voice turn into voices , at first they seemed to laugh and mock , then they became menacing , just writing about it gives me a chill. It was at this time the hallucinations began . I remember the first time it happen , it was the early hours of the morning , I thought I could hear foot steps on the landing , and then  I saw two images watching me  terrified I called my ex partner in the hopes she’d pick up the phone I didn’t know who else to call. Thankfully she answered her phone and within 15 minutes she arrived to calm me down.

My ex stepped in and decided to take some  time off work to look after me , and my mum. The doctors agreed to let my ex look after me as she is a nurse.So since July , she been my rock. When needed she’s driven to my house in middle of the night and stayed awake with me as I have been terrified to be alone and when the voices and hallucinations were at their most prevalent, she told me focus on the blue skies and the view of the horizon by the sea where we often went to visit, happy times. She made sure my mum was properly looked after and more importantly she’s helped me survive this episode, by making me realise that I have so much to live for.Even though we are no longer romantically involve  we are as close as we can be .But we both realise the relationship will never be rekindled but it doesn’t mean that  we”ll ever stop caring for each other.  I’m just so  glad we  have one of those relationships that  despite everything we can  still be part of each others lives, after all we will always be  best  friends. So here’s to looking towards  the future,  and the being thankful to appreciate  those Blue skies on the horizon and to those who remind you that they are there.

 

 

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Thoughts…

We were two strangers

Until that first kiss

Remember how we smiled

through the whole thing

That was before the demons

took over the roller coaster ride

And my life became a series

of mania and depression

They say I now need timeout  

To  allow you time to recover

from all the hurt I’ve instill on you

That I need to quieten my mind

To allow my brain to recover

That I need to take my pills

to attend the therapy

and to learn how to control

the rapid thoughts that

race around my head 

Yet when I’m

Alone at night

I still think of you

And that first kiss when

We were strangers

Copyright June Bolland 2014

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Jimmy Choo’s in my closet

An impromptu posting.

I was reading my past posts on my blog yesterday. A majority (about 90%) of the poems I share are biographical. It was interesting to look back on the past year just by reading the poems and the postings .It’s a bit like reading a journal you kept when you were a teenage,  smiling and thinking back on the past . I  recently stumbled across an old journal dated 1982 , in which I wrote  “ I think I’m in love with Sara Clark!” . But as a rule I don’t really like looking back into my past too much or at least I didn’t until I met Jo my fiancee (still can’t get my head around using that word to describe her even though it’s been 8 months since I proposed to her and more importantly she said yes!) .

I’ve realised through the postings and poems I’ve shared, it’s reminded me of  how so  much  has happened in the last year of this blog and in real life.

I written about breaks ups (J and had two brief separations early last year) wrote poems and impromptu blogs about how my mum dealt with the stress and the worry and of the  extremely long wait to find out if her cancer had come back or not. Thankfully she was given all clear in October. I’ve shared my thoughts in verse of how Jo’s heart condition deteriorated and how she had to be fitted with a pacemaker, which at 26 was young. I’ve documented my experiences of living with bipolar and described the relapses have I have suffered. I’ve shared my thoughts of my dad who passed 9 years ago and wrote poems about the sadness of my uncle’s passing (he was like a second father to me) . Oh and those poems which I have written for Jo.

I have learnt a lot about myself too. That it’s OK to let go, to expose the dark thoughts that invade my mind caused by my depression sometimes, whether it be in the form of poetry or even in just sharing my thoughts with Jo. But most of all It’s been a year of discovery, of knowing that I don’t have to carry this burden of stuff I’ve carried alone for so long, that far from me having fears of holding Jo back, I realise she is the one person who holds me up, and helps me carry the weight in fact just unburdens me of stuff that quite frankly doesn’t matter anymore and for that no amount of words can describe how much love I have for her. That’s why I proposed to her a week after her surgery on 19 July at Angel Bay, because I needed to show her how much I loved her and for once not just write about it . So we will have been together six years this July, happier than ever, albeit I have a closet full of her Jimmy Choo shoes crammed into my closets. That’s why I keep my shoes in the boot of my car! It  is worth the sacrifice !

So would I say my blog year has been good?  One word Yes! I lost the need to write for a while , but this past year I’ve realised that writing is therapeutic, it focuses the mind, cleanses it, makes you feel joyous (well it does me anyway! ) Then there is the added  bonus of meeting other wonderful people on here too (although I have met one or two narcissist on my journey who appear to be far more interested in the number of followers they have, how many like they get,and so pre-occupied with stats, than they are in writing or blogging, which saddens me because I am not like that, I write for me, the fact that anybody else reads my blog in all honesty astounds me, likes posts I upload, leave lovely comments and follow my blog is truly humbling. So a huge THANK YOU from me for taking time to read my blog, never mind pressing  the like button and commenting, and following, honestly I am for once lost for words.  Anyway off for a few days away by the sea, as its my birthday tomorrow, so taking the laptop with me so I can catch up on some blogs I have been meaning to read for a while, especially now as I also  have new glasses which have  dyslexic lenses, as  I dont know if some you realise I am dyslexic . So the glasses are a Godsend as sometimes other people’s work is sometimes hard to read. I’m OK with writing as I use a dyslexic word font . Anyway your comments are always appreciated.

One final thought: I wonder what ever happened to Sara Clark?

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I know this now…

There was a time I doubted her

I thought the years between us were too much

I doubted whether she’d understand

The complexities of my mind

So many thoughts of doubt I had

So I put obstacles

Of my baggage in her way

Pushed her away again and again and again

And hid behind my walls

But she never gave up

Because she loves me

I know I this now

She tells me age is just a number

That we meet somewhere in the middle

I know this now

For behind the Chanel and her jimmy Choo’s

Is the spirit of an old soul

Where as I am young at heart

She tells me she understands the definition of complexity

She’s tells me how she gorged on it and spewed it out

I know this now

She tells me she’s here to help carried the load I once called baggage

That  I no longer need to struggle with it alone

I know this now

She tells me I do not need to hide behind vast walls

For her arms are the only protection that I need

and so she pulls me in towards her  again and again and again

I know this now

And when on bended knee

I placed that ring on her finger

All the thoughts of doubt

I once had

All those foolish thoughts

Vanished in the breeze

Because she really does love me

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Welcome to the circus…

SONY DSC

Welcome to the circus

And enter my mind

Be baffled and amazed

At the performance of my thoughts

See the trapeze artists toy with my mood

See how high they swing

And

Watch them fall

See how they walk preciously across the thin wire

Always trying to maintain their balance

Hoping not to slip and get hurt

See how they juggle

One thought, two, three, four all in quick succession

Until they all coming crashing down to the ground

See the faces drawn on my thoughts

Painted white faces

With their wide fake smiles

Yet lurking behind the scenes

Waiting for their moment in the spot light

There are the thoughts that

Can lift the weight of a car in each of their hands

And those that can tame the wildest beast known to man

Welcome to the circus

And enter my mind

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Walls of kisses

wall-of-kisses--large-msg-132494150281

When the darkness becomes dark

And the moon is hiding

The melconholy clock strikes

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I weep in corners of our room

Wanting to make the clocks stop

Trying to escape the fog

That coverts my mind

With train of thoughts

Escalating deeper down

It wraps itself around everything good

Everything  but you

It’s you who ventures into my dark corner

It’s you who stops the mood pendulum from swinging

It’s you who wraps yourself around me

to stop the pain

to stop the tremors

to stop the thoughts from escalating

It’s you who shows me the way through the fog

It’s you who shows me our room has more the dark corners

Where I hide

It’s you who shows me our room with it’s walls of kisses

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Between the dusk and the dawn…

In the dark hours between dusk and dawn

When my thoughts are at their darkest

When dancing demons taunt me

When their voices tease my thoughts

You are my one constant vision of hope

You with your words of comfort

Yours are the lips that kiss the tears away

Yours are the hugs that banishes the lonely thoughts away

So in the dark hours between dusk and dawn

It’s you, only you that gets me through the night

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Memories for a Birthday

dad birthday

MY 200th poem on wordpress, how fitting it should be written for my Father on what would have been his 81st birthday

There hasn’t been one day since you past

That I don’t think of you

Sometimes the thoughts are tinged with pain

But not today Dad

Today I think of good times

Happier times

Of the silly days we shared

Of times when I was small

When you sit me on your knee

And you’d read to me, sing to me

How I so miss your voice today

These are the days I want to remember today Dad

There are things we try to cling to

Of stories shared

Some memories can only be seen through photographs

But the most precious memories cannot be seen or heard

They are in every heartbeat that we feel

So today Dad

Happy Birthday

Wherever your spirit soars

With love from me your little girl

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Towards the sun …

I’ve lost my way

I ‘ve been running away from the sun

To a place that’s all too familiar

To a place tinged with sadness and pain

Where only dark clouds follow me

I need the stillness and the time to think

To recollect my thoughts

To retrace my steps

But I ran away from the sun

I have lost sight of my shadow

My guide that helps me home

But which way do I now turn?

East?

West?

North?

Or

South?

Then I remember there are five fixed points

On my compass

I need to follow the direction towards

Love!

Home to her

Home to my mother

Home to those friends

Who care enough

Who love me enough

These are one’s who light my way

On this dark forsaken road

Back to them

Back home

Back towards the sun

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Falling in love with you…

float

Falling in love  with you

Was like walking to the waters edge

And Letting the sea dance between my toes

Then spontaneously walking out to sea

Falling backwards not caring how deep I was about to fall

But just knowing that I’d float

Then just drifting

With the sun beating down on me

Totally content,

Completely safe

Feeling freer than I had ever felt before

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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All of you! …

At-the-River-212x300Saturday afternoon

With nothing much to do

Your  catching up with your work

Typing reports

And

I’m staring out of  the window

Thinking like I usually do

Tracing the raindrops

As they dance down the window pane

I glance at you

Concentration on your face

It got me thinking

What was it I first noticed about you?

Was it your eyes?

Hypnotic blue that cast a spell over me

Was it your long locks of golden blonde?

That radiated me towards you

Was it your mouth full and inviting?

Your lips have always been enticing

Or was it something much deeper

I first notice about you

Could it have been

The gentleness of your soul?

That attracted me like a moth

To the warmth , its brightness

I cannot really be sure

But whatever it was

That first time we met

I know one thing now

I love all of you!

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Love you too much…

LOVE YOU TOO MUCH

Sometimes

I think I love you too much

I have tempered eyes of green

that stir emotions in me

That laid repressed

Darker emotions

That creep to the surface

Of an anger that was nurtured inside

And witnessed through my childish eyes

Of people who loved each other a little too much

And those scars I wear on my back

The ones you so often affectionately kiss

Those are the scars she gave me

That first time she told me

She loved me a little too much

But sometimes

I feel I’m morphing into her

This scares me

Sometimes

I want to shake you

Tear off your head

For being too nice

For being too bloody understanding

For being too naive in certain situations

And

For loving me back a little too much

But in your heart you know

I’d never touch you the way

She did with me

I would never allow myself to get inside your head

Like they did to me

Because I really do love you too much

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

images c/o brightly wound
images c/o brightly wound
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Reason to be…

driftwood

I am driftwood

Floating

On her

My ocean

She calms me

Between the ebb and flow

Submerged

I am anointed

By her love

I am an acorn

That falls to the ground

From her

My oak tree

Protected by her roots

I am grounded

She nurtures me

I am the child

On sunny days

Warmed by the touch

Of her

My Sun

She lifts my mood

She makes me want to dance
Barefoot and carefree

I am what I ever I want

To be

As she is my reason to be

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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My Muse

writing+poetryAttempt to understand  the truth  of all those words I have said in the cold light of the day

and for all the promises that  I have whispered , on  those dark moon filled nights

I have shared with you

They speak nothing but love for you

And for all the times I have layed bare my soul upon the page

see that every word, every sentence

They are nothing more than the lyrics of the songs from my heart

That sings only to you

My words are only for you

You are my listener, my reader and  my muse

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Snap, Write, Blog…

As I said in my previous post, New Year , a time for reflection , taking stock and re-valuating things. So over the last week I have been taking stock, reflecting and jotting down things , projects I want /need to do . I think it’s important for each of us to set goals , to push ourselves , whether mentally or physically and not make excuses in not having the time to do things that make us happy. Even if you only have 15 minutes   a day, you can begin the process .

Anyway on personal  note I KNOW I need a leave of absence from social media for a while; feeling too tangled up (on Facebook right now) than is healthy for me, so started off the process of weaning myself away from it, which has  begun with cleansing  some of my friends off Facebook . Not because they’re not nice people, its just that there was no mutual social interaction , so I really didn’t see the point of justifying having them as friends on Facebook !

Then there is my blog , when I originally started I had no idea of how it would develop. Whether it would be me posting the odd rant every so often. It ended up with me sharing poetry ( I have no idea how or why it happened) but I’m glad it did. It got the creative juices flowing. I’m very self critical of my ‘writing’ , I don’t have the self belief in thinking that my poems are remotely any good , never mind even just OK.

This year I want to set myself a challenge with the blog, I have some idea’s on how I want it to develop , whether it will be more poetry , or more journal based I’m  not sure yet .

But then I might  actually start sharing photograph’s . Its a passion I  had  over 30 years ago, and recently I’ve been wanting to explore it again.

When I was in my late teens I ate ,lived , breathed photography, I was lucky enough to have two exhibitions of my work shown in Manchester, which were really  successful . I wanted to pursue it as a career, so I study photography as an ‘A ‘level,  built my portfolio up and I got accepted to study Photography at Manchester Polytechnic when I was 21 ,but never accepted the place on the course ,as my mum became really ill and life’s priorities changed. It was then put the camera away and stopped taking photographs . But always  I still look at things from the view point that there an image , a photograph waiting to be captured  Its very much the same when it comes to words or observations , I see the format of a poem or a blog .

My partner has been aware that there has been this niggle for quite a few months now, but I suppose self doubt and the knowledge that there is unfortunately an element  of snobbery that exists when it comes to photography , I don’t know whether I have still what it takes. But as my partner says ” How do you know until you give it a go and try “. So for Christmas she bought me a new camera and told me ” You no longer have an excuse , go take some photographs, build your confidence back up!”  ( Nice to know she believes in me !)

So yes I have a list of projects  I want to do this year. A hundred ideas on blogs and poems I want to write. I have no idea when they will come to fruition . As they say time will tell.

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Is life really so bad?

I hadn’t realised it been just over 2 months since I posted my last blog.

To be honest haven’t wanted to write anything that requires me to think. I’ve been dealing with an old back injury and trying to manage my Fibromyalgia, which flared up and repaid me an unwelcome visit last July. So currently having intense physio and attending a pain management clinic , just so I can really stop relying on the pain meds and also get off the anti-depressants, because with having Fibro and dealing with chronic pain comes depression, it’s a vicious circle . But in my experience you mustn’t dwell on the negative. Positivity, having a sense of humour being able to laugh is the key to beating pain, harder said than done, cos trust me belly laughs hurt.

Anyway so here we are, Christmas is over, 2013 has gone, and so a brand new shiny Year awaits to be filled with new memories. But I felt the need to write something today, for two reasons really

One because it’s a New Year .I love New Year, it a time to take stock, reflect, and set yourself new challenges. However going back to work, and listening to conversations, I am amazed at how many people whinge, moan about a variety of things life throws at them. They moan about work, money, etc., etc. Don’t get me wrong I love a good rant, but it’s usual about the way people behave, how they conduct themselves, about how injustice exists because of their behaviour.

Yet not one rejoices on the fact they are alive, well , probably happy sharing their life with someone they love, with no real hardship because they have a roof over their head and a bed to sleep in , clean clothes on their back and a belly so full of food. A head that has the luxury to dream, create ,have choices to do, be anything, find a balance of putting up with the crap life throws at them and being content they have an outlet to express themselves, they have the luxury of time to write lists of future plans, a bucket list. But instead people, they wallow in self-pity, why can’t people just be happy they have their health, a future.

Secondly I write this because my partner who is a sister in a large cancer hospital , she works on the a teenage cancer ward, every day she and her staff tend , nurse patients who aren’t let’s face not going to get well . On Thursday she went back to work and one of her patients is a young man, he’s 15, he’s been ill and in hospital since November, he and his parents were told that he probably won’t make it to July. So she spent the majority of the day comforting him and his parents. This young adult who will never know that feeling of being in love, of having children, be able to moan about the 9 to 5 and the rat race, will never be able to write lists of things he wants to do.

Sort of puts life in perspective really doesn’t it?

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Face to Face

the night is ours aloneFace to face

That first time

Hands barely touching

Fingers tips tingled at

Your slightest movement

Then THAT embrace

Eyes so blue

I found myself

Consciously fixed by your gaze

Not wanting to look away

Unlike I normal do

I don’t do the eye connect thing

But you

The first time I looked into your eyes

You transposed me into the deepest part of your soul

Into a vision of such beauty

A beauty I will never witness again

Or would want to.

Then there were you lips

The fullness of your pout

Exciting

Enticing

Then there was THAT kiss

That was five years ago

And now your touch still makes my fingertips tingle

And your kisses still entice me

But

Still  I don’t do the eye contact thing

With anyone but you.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

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Shoes

two shoes

We are like two pairs of shoes

You and I

Those that  walk in unison

That have travelled down roads

Some would find it hard to endure

Down the same path

We walk in unison

Same pace, side by side

Heading for

Our dream

Our home

Our haven

We are shoes that dance when no one is around

We dance to the same song you and I

Slowly

Rhythmically

Always in time

So we never to step on each other’s feet!

But sometimes we avoid other people’s shoes

Not to avoid walking in them- no

But because other peoples shoes have a tendency

Of treading on your toes

And kicking you in the shins

And stomping on you when you’re down

But for some

We are shoes that will walk a thousand miles

To carry them home

Because we care enough

About the one’s we love

When times get hard

And they are heavy with burden and

Can no longer walk

We will carry them home

And at night when the moon has risen in the sky

Our shoes they sit side by side

Sharing the darkness of the night

Until it is  morning and again they walk in unison

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Tonight I write about my father.

Now normally at this of the day I’ve either written, or am about to write or have the formation of a poem in my head but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about my father. Those of you have followed this blog since it started in December will be aware that in the early part of my life , well will know that my father and I,  we didn’t have the best of relationships due to his alcoholism. It was only until I was 22 that he finally admitted he had a problem and got help for his illness, (because it is an illness) did we have a really close relationship, although despite his illness, from being a small child I had always worshiped (the sober him ). But today I just really really miss him.

He passed away 9 years ago to a rare illness called Guillain–Barré syndrome (GBS) that effects only about one person in 100,000 every year. It is an awful illness , he developed shortly after having cancer surgery, on the day he was due to be discharged from hospital  ,we sat and watch  a physically strong man even though he had suffered cancer succumb to this disease, paralysed him from the neck down .He deteriorated  over a period of eight weeks until his body could take no more as he developed secondary cancer and I had to make that decision no ever should have to take and that was turn his life support system off, we held his hand and watched him pass to I believe a better place.

During those eight weeks we use to sit with him for hours, held his hands and I would hum The Beatles songs to him (his favorite was Blackbird) or we’d read to him, or we put the CD player on and let him listen to the Goon shows and Spike Milligan ( he was a huge fan). It calmed him down because he used to get distressed being on a ventilator, during those eight weeks we became incredible close.

His loss has never left us nor will it ever,  as I am sure anyone reading this who have lost a love one will understand. We talk about him all the time because it keeps him here. The only regret is he never met Jo my partner, he would of adored her and she him, I think they would of got on really well and at least they would have been able to have shared a conversation in their mother tongue – Welsh.

It’s strange how the overwhelming loss of someone hits you at certain times, but saying that not one day goes by that I don’t think of him , it’s just sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming. What’s even stranger is that they make their presence felt at the most strangest times too. Whenever I wish my dad was here you can guarantee I will find a penny in the most strangest places, same when I need guidance from him , low and behold I get up and find a penny . This goes for my mum too she’s found pennies in the strangest places too .It like they are a message from him saying don’t worry I am still around looking over you Today my mum found a penny in her bathroom, just at time she needed it. . I like getting pennies from heaven they give me comfort, never stop sending them dad. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that poem about the pennies he has sent, in the mean time we will just keep putting them in the jar.

pennies

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On nights like this…

in bed

On nights

When neither of us is ready to sleep

We’ll lie face to face

And lose ourselves in conversation

Our fingertips

Will gentle dance over each other’s skin

And as we’d touched

We’d leave finger prints of passion

And the intensity would resonate

Throughout our frames until we would become

Entwined with an invisible thread of love

We would become one

And as we’d inhale each other’s breath

With the kisses we’d share

The night would disappear in time

And the dawn would break

And we would then  realise we never did sleep

Tonight has a feeling

That it is one of those nights

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Smile

Thoughts that blackened my mindhands_making_love_heart_with_shining_light1

Scurry back to the darkness of their lair

And I am left with a feeling of silence and inner peace

That rejoices and my heart trips as it dances with delight

Positivity projects an image of

Our future

Our life

Our love

Connected

A beautiful collision of mind, body and soul

That’s what we are

And

Have always been

And

This makes me smile

A ray of the sun’s hopes reverberates onto on my shoes

I pass my hand through the beam catching its warmth as it does

The heat  seeps through my skin and turns it from grey to pink again

And the positivity begins to trickle through my veins

No longer numb

Thawed

Full of Hope

And

I smile again

I have turned that corner

I have avoided the abyss once again

Slayed my demons one by one

I am well again

And I know that whatever happens from now on in

I will always have reason’s to smile

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Know this

labels complic

Do not try and have preconceived ideas of what makes

Me who or what I am

Don’t try and categorize, generalize or rationalize me

Do not dare to ridicule, bully, insight hate towards me

Don’ try and justify your views of me

Know this

I a human

I am a woman

I am someone’s daughter

Someone’s lover

Someone’s friend

I am not a static

Do not judge me

Or neatly try and tidy me away in a box

To be stacked on a shelf

Do not put your labels on me

I have no room along side

The five badges that I proudly wear

They read

Lesbian

Jew

Carer

Bipolar

Dyslexic

But to name a few

These  are worn not to define me

But to represent a life lived

 who I became

Not what I am

Know this

I a human

I am a woman

I am someone’s daughter

Someone’s lover

Someone’s friend

I am not a static

I am the same as you

I  have  a name

It’s June

But you may call me Finn

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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True colours

colour 2

I take off my rose coloured tinted glasses

And observe the world around me

Through my bipolar eyes,

High on the chemicals

That makes me see with such clarity

The true colours

Of people whose spectrum’s do not illuminate as much

In the opaqueness that temporarily surrounds me

I pick through their transparency

Until all that is visible is the grey faint outlines underneath

Of those whose colours are truly so superficial

And insignificant, could easily be erased

I was deceived in my perception of their true colours

They out shone colours of those whose faded aura’s

Quietly glow in the background

With their hue of light blue light

They evoked an understanding

That encourages me to their light

Colours I did not know radiated so much such

These are the colours that I turn to

They guide my way and

keep me from  the dark

Then there are those whose colours never alter

Solid,

Bold

One who glistens like the diamond that she is

Then there is she

Her colours are the truest colours

Of red, green and blue

And Blended together

We create rainbows

In a world that would otherwise be grey

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Without you

withThere were words I could not write (without you)

But now my words flow freely (because I found you)

I had a language I could not speak (until you were here to listen)

Now I have found my voice (I serenade you with the songs of love)

I had so many memories I could not have shared (if you were not here to dry my tears)

But with you I have memories I will cherish (until my time on this earths is done)

There would be too many demons for me to slay (if I didn’t have you by my side)

You are my angel (in the solace of you I feel safe)

So many years of wasted love (if I didn’t have you to share it with)

A love I didn’t feel I deserved (until you bestowed your love on to me)

I spent years running away always running (from her)

Now I find myself running towards you always (into your sweet embrace)

Time I have wasted collecting the bricks to build my walls higher (to keep my heart safe)

Until  you came along, to breakdown my walls ( because you cared enough make them fall)

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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With eyes wide open

open-eyeToday is not going to be a good day

The heaviness of my head

And the pain in my joints as I wake

From my pill induced slumber tell me this

My eyes would not open on their own accord

This morning

Like rusted old shutters they would not budge

I had to prise them open them with what little

Strength I had left

Maybe I should blame it on the tears I’ve shed

For corroding them shut!

Or maybe they didn’t want to face the day

Maybe they knew it wasn’t going to be good!

And as I lie here with eyes now wide open

I look back on yesterday

Because it’s preferable to  concentrating on the pain

But yesterday

This is all but now a memory

But I can recall that memory

Because I know

Yesterday was GOOD!

There were glimpses of my old self

A slight respite from the insanity

But today my old self well she has abandoned me

So today I will take each hour as it comes

I will try not to dwell on the fact

That today is not going to be  good

I shall hold onto the dream

That my old self she might return

and hope that  I don’t have to prise

My eyes  wide open tomorrow !

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Reason’s to be cheerful

reasons to be cheerful

Deep in thought I quietly sit

Whilst the pills I’ve just swallowed

Send chemicals to my brain

That no other therapies have been able to reach

And for that brief moment

I have clarity

A sense of rational thinking

A sense of normality

So I write not poetry but

A mantra

A list

To guide me

To focus on

And more importantly to hold onto

For when even darker days arrive

And they will arrive

I know because I’ve been here so many times before

I make a list of all the things that make me happy

Things I should be really cheerful about

A list of no particular relevance, of importance or order

I begin to write surprisingly without hesitation

Beach walking, Angel Bay, the smell of the ocean,

Wales (the land of my history), of being loved and being in love,

My beautiful Jo, my mum, my family, cups of tea in bed with my girl on a

Saturday morning, nights in, nights out, walks in the park

splashes in puddles in the Spring ,

basking in the sun on long summer days

Dancing through the leaves on cold Autumn nights

Snowball fights

warming Jo’s hands in the sleeves of my jumper

in the depths of  winter

the changing colour’s of the season’s

the family meal round the table on Friday night ,

having conversations so deep, so funny and sometimes quite bizarre,

laughing out loud, music, books, poetry, photography,

of chatting/ texting /talking to good friends, Tuesday lunch dates,

Really thick cut crinkled crisps, cupcakes, a Marlboro to start the day,

Road trips and pyjama days

With pen put down, I read the list back,

I fold the list over and place in my wallet behind the photo of Jo

I return to my original position quietly sitting

And in the sustained moment of absolute clarity

I realise I am lucky to have so many reasons to be cheerful about

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Reason's to be cheerful

reasons to be cheerful

Deep in thought I quietly sit

Whilst the pills I’ve just swallowed

Send chemicals to my brain

That no other therapies have been able to reach

And for that brief moment

I have clarity

A sense of rational thinking

A sense of normality

So I write not poetry but

A mantra

A list

To guide me

To focus on

And more importantly to hold onto

For when even darker days arrive

And they will arrive

I know because I’ve been here so many times before

I make a list of all the things that make me happy

Things I should be really cheerful about

A list of no particular relevance, of importance or order

I begin to write surprisingly without hesitation

Beach walking, Angel Bay, the smell of the ocean,

Wales (the land of my history), of being loved and being in love,

My beautiful Jo, my mum, my family, cups of tea in bed with my girl on a

Saturday morning, nights in, nights out, walks in the park

splashes in puddles in the Spring ,

basking in the sun on long summer days

Dancing through the leaves on cold Autumn nights

Snowball fights

warming Jo’s hands in the sleeves of my jumper

in the depths of  winter

the changing colour’s of the season’s

the family meal round the table on Friday night ,

having conversations so deep, so funny and sometimes quite bizarre,

laughing out loud, music, books, poetry, photography,

of chatting/ texting /talking to good friends, Tuesday lunch dates,

Really thick cut crinkled crisps, cupcakes, a Marlboro to start the day,

Road trips and pyjama days

With pen put down, I read the list back,

I fold the list over and place in my wallet behind the photo of Jo

I return to my original position quietly sitting

And in the sustained moment of absolute clarity

I realise I am lucky to have so many reasons to be cheerful about

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Random true thoughts ( because it’s raining )

pillsThe rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their  negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are  being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But  for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Random true thoughts ( because it's raining )

pillsThe rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their  negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are  being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But  for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

This week has been a warning

[youtube=http://youtu.be/DtZp7MQE2ZM

Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.

The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .

I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.

I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies

But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x

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You,me and the silence

darkAlone

In the dark

I cry

No panic this time

No demons present

Just me, the silence and my tears

I hear your footsteps on the stairs

The door opens

There’s concern on your face

Silently you sit beside me

You place your arm around my shoulder

Your thumb wipes away my tears

Talk to me you said

It all comes out

The madness that has been present in my head

I tell you I try to convince myself that I am well

But really we both know I am not

The past has resurfaced in my mind

Memories, collections, and scenes

of the secrets only you know about

Are playing out in my head

I feel weak again, beaten again

And then I taste it

The taste of shame

Still present after all this time

You place a kiss on my forehead

You promise that no will ever hurt me again

And reassure me that I am not going mad

And I know you speak the truth

So we sit, you and me, in the silence and

We watch patiently as my fears begin to

evaporate into the darkness of the night.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

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The Bench

the seatTucked away in my garden is a bench

I always thought it was nothing special

Just some metal and planks

That ceased to exist,

It’s old and battered

It’s paint is chipped and it’s wood is rotting

The seasons have not been kind

For so long I dismissed it

I paid it no attention until today

Then the memories flooded back

Of how many conversations it has witnessed

Good, bad, happy and sad

The conversation with my father when the doctors

Told him he had cancer .and how we cried

The conversation with my ex when she told me

She was leaving me for someone new and how I cried

The conversation with Jo when we first met

And how she told me how  crazy she was about me, how we smiled

Of how it is my sanctuary, where she holds me and comforts me

When my madness is in full flight

In middle of the night

So many conversations it has witnessed

So today I see it through different eyes

This tatty old bench

It’s not just some metal and planks

That ceased to exist

It is the caretaker of my memories

And the keeper of my thoughts

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Stampede of words

panic attack 3There’s a stampede going on in my brain

Of words trying to get out, trying to get in

I feel them physically stacking up on each other

And my head is heavy from the weight

I think silence, isolation maybe sleep is needed 

For these words to be assembled into order

That makes some sense

I want to put the close sign up

But its hiding somewhere in my temporal lobe

Trapped between the words pain, anger, demon, depression

My power of speech is rendered impotent

And so the panic sets in

The parietal lobe is under siege

I so want to write HELP ME! MAKE IT GO AWAY!

The brain will not transpose the words through my fingers

So overloaded is my brain ,the words escape through my eyes

You sense this; you’ve seen the panic,

The fear in my eyes

The tears in my eyes

so many times

You hold me and calm me and

My frontal lobe begins to put things in order

And I feel the words just slip away

But one word remains, your name

Prominent,

A name that evokes so many memories of words like

Beauty, perfection, laughter, love, kisses, sex, lust, passion,

Kindness, caring, positivity,  but for a few

but for me one word stands out from the rest

whenever I think of you

that word will always, always be LOVE.

(I love you my Ms Joanna P x)

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Home

reaching-outTrust me she said as she smiled

And she held out her hand

All I could do was trust her the kindness of her smile

And the years of false promises were forgotten

Come in from the dark

She beckoned

And her beauty dazzled me

All I could see were the wonderous colours of

The gold of her hair and blue of her eyes

The negatives , the greys and blacks replaced

Come in from the cold she said

Her arms reached out and she guided me

And she led me into the shelter of her soul

All I could feel was the warmth of her love as she cradled me

And the numbness melted away

Come let me dry your eyes she whispered

As she held my head in her hands

As she kissed away my tears

All I could feel was love, it was a love so unconditional,

And all the pain held for so, so many years disappeared

I knew then I had found home

For she is my home

Her love are my foundations

Her smile lights my way

Her body is my bed

and her arms are my blanket

She is my shelter

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

This, you , us

BY THE WATER

I sit here just looking at you

And it crosses my mind briefly of how lucky I am

To have this, you, us

But it’s not meant to happen to people like me

I have too much broken mirrors of luck

For this to be real

And then my mind begins to wander, with now thoughts spiralling

I begin to doubt myself that this cannot be real

What if this all a dream,

What if my mind is tricking me into thinking that

All this, you, us is some bipolar vision

That really you are a figment of my wanting

to want this , want you, want us

then you move towards me

The real you, the dream you, the bipolar you

Momentarily I am unsure which one I can actually see

But then you come up behind me

Wrap your love around me

And with the warmth of your lips you kiss me

This spell is then lifted and I know now this is true

Because your kisses are truest kisses I have tasted

And your love is truest gift I have ever received

And I sit here now so content, so happy knowing

This, you, us is very real.

©Copyright 2013 by Mehefin Bolland.