May contain Rants

Heartbeats…

aaaaaMy arms are wrapped around you

As you lie by my side

But at all times one eye is kept open

I wait; watch you as your heartbeats become content

I watch as you drift into your world full of dreams

Where you are well

Some days when you wake

I can tell the dreams you have

The waking world is not the same

The reality sinks in

You long to be the girl who you once were

I tell you, no I try to reassure you, you will be once more

Your eyes say otherwise, you are not convinced by my words

It’s hard, it hurts and I get stressed

I get angry with people

They’re not interested in your blight

They’re too busy floating around in their delusional bubbles

Expecting us to enjoy

Watching them go ride off

On life’s fantastic journey

When all I want to do is lie by your side

Wrap my arms around you

and watch you sleep as your heartbeats become content

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

My Wall's

grafo floresMy walls were covered in graffiti

I whitewash over them too many times

I tried to hide the stains hidden underneath

Words of hate

Words of sorrow

Words of a broken heart

They are the work of my demons

They are my collage of my life

But the sun and the rain

Wore away at the cover I hid them under

Until my mural of memories were clear to see

I was defeated and broken

I stopped the charade of trying to blank them out

I tried to live with these scenes so dark, so bleak

Until I retreated into a dark corner away from the view of my demons work

Then you arrived with paints of pastel shades

To erase these memories, with paintings of flowers

and vivid images of beauty

The words became replaced with

Love,

Hope,

and faith

All the things I now have with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

My Wall’s

grafo floresMy walls were covered in graffiti

I whitewash over them too many times

I tried to hide the stains hidden underneath

Words of hate

Words of sorrow

Words of a broken heart

They are the work of my demons

They are my collage of my life

But the sun and the rain

Wore away at the cover I hid them under

Until my mural of memories were clear to see

I was defeated and broken

I stopped the charade of trying to blank them out

I tried to live with these scenes so dark, so bleak

Until I retreated into a dark corner away from the view of my demons work

Then you arrived with paints of pastel shades

To erase these memories, with paintings of flowers

and vivid images of beauty

The words became replaced with

Love,

Hope,

and faith

All the things I now have with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Thoughts of my Father

fathers dayMy girlfriend said to me this morning

You’re quiet, are you ok?

I told her I was thinking about you today, Dad

I told her I was in reflective mood

That I was trying to remember the good times but

All I can remember is the bad

I told her how it made me sad.

We had good times, didn’t we?

But the demons I inherited are blocking my train of thought

I try to remember you, the man I looked up to but all I can

See is the drunk in the Don Draper suit.

I know you were good, that you were kind,

I know you were extremely funny

But today I can’t remember those times, and I so want to.

You were present my whole life, but absent for half of it

In some inebriated dream you hung on to

Whilst I tried so desperately to please you

I always craved for your love, I still do!

Did you love me Dad; I still don’t know the answer to that

Because you never did say

There are things I wished we talked about,

Things I now only say to you in dreams

My mother tells me I am  like you,

In honesty this chills me to my core

I always thought I was nothing like you

Then I look in the mirror

I see I am

Yes I have flaws

I’m not perfect

I have my weakness

My demons

But most of all I have strength to over come

Whatever life throws at me

I have a kindness I instil on to others

I make people smile, well most of the time

And then I realise I am like you , just in another form

Then it hits me this morning that

I’m grateful for those things inherited from you

I’m thankful I was your only child

I’m thankful for you my complex father

That I do miss you and have always loved you (Always will)

So Happy Father’s Day

To you my dad the one time drunk in the Don Draper suit

Where ever your spirit soars

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Love lost and found

lostI thought I lost my one true love

She fled through my front door

Never to return

I put flyers up

They read

“Love, lost, please return it “

But nobody did

Three long years I pined

Over thought, had conversations

Inside my head

Of the why’s, the what if’s

Then you appeared

One sunny morning in May

To tend my mother’s wounds

The days, the weeks, the months went by

Each time you’d greet me with a smile

A look of attraction was clear to see in your eyes

I look back on that time, it seems so long ago

I’ve grown so much; you pulled me out of the darkest place

A place I thought love would never grace

Yet now I realise my one true had not left

She had not  arrived

Because I realise I was waiting for you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Your Story

SCALESI remember the day you opened up to me

The day you relived your story

I remember  how the tears streamed down your face

Your body language changed

You told me you had suffered from an eating disorder

How you mind distorted

The image reflection of you

How you used to hide

Locked away in the bathroom

Away from prying eyes

Alone with your morbid distain

You learned to purge and expel

With fingers down your throat

All you consumed expelled

Of how desperate you became

How daring you became you performed

This act in public and how still no one was aware

How you became a mistress of its deceit

Until one day your mind, your body completely broke

You were forced to look your demons in the eye

Kept under lock and key, your every move monitored

You were  allowed no privacy

You told me how of the months you spent in therapy

How they healed your mind and body

How this was the reason you became a nurse

Of how it scars still haunt you

Of how you still live with years of self-abuse

Of the damage it caused to your heart

I sat and listened to the pain in your voice

There were tears streaming down my cheeks

The day you opened up to me

The day you relived your story

I remember how I held you,tried to kiss away your pain

I told you sshh babe, it’s ok , let the pain all out

I held you until you were all cried out

Now the years have past since you retold your story

Now not one day goes by

I never forget to remind you how beautiful you are

both on the inside and out

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Will you take care of your heart

protect-your-heartI refrain from telling you

I’m constantly biting my lip

at the reckless chances you keep taking

It alarms me , it worries me

the lack of respect you give to your heart

you tell me stop fussing, your ok

but both know really your not

You tell me you’re only young once, life is for living

I tell you, I know but

I’d actually like the chance to live that life with you

I want to grow old with you at my side

You know I’m scared  to death of losing you

I nearly lost you once

we may not get a second chance

I don’t want to visit you at your graveside

but then I refrain

God you drive me insane sometimes

but then again I still can’t help caring  for you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Choices

2-pathsDecisions that we make

and the routes we elect to take

Choices are sometimes taken out of our hands

causing hardship we have to overcome and withstand

 People we choose to love and then leave

the loss of a loved one can take us on a path of sadness

when we grieve

Roads we’re forced down

when the mind fails causing us to breakdown

Choices have to be taken in order to achieve the peace of mind

we all strife hard to find

So the roads, the routes we take

create the lifestyle we choose to make

So ensure the journey you’re on is

really the one you want to take.

  ©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

In the darkness that surrounds us

TRAIL CLOTHESThe darkness surrounds us

We arrive home

A night of anticipation

Greets us as

We close the door

I go outside to sit on the balcony

I was about to have a cigarette

But then I realise I  don’t  need one

I’m already intoxicated by you

I’m waiting for you to join me

You’re pouring the drinks

The lanterns on balcony are lit

You come and sit

You straddle me

You’re now sat facing me

There passion in our eyes

Let’s take this inside

The night has just begun

I unzip your dress

It falls to the floor

You begin to kiss the back of my neck

Whilst your tease the buttons open on my shirt

Your hands begin wander

Belt undone

You begin to undress me

As I caress you

Our shoes kicked off

Music is on low

We dance real slowly

From room to room

Until we reach the bedroom

The rest of our clothes are now strewn across the floor

We begin to explore

In the darkness that surrounds us

May contain Rants

The visit

dragon 2Today it’s me who has the nervous twitch

My mood has taken a turn for the worse

You try and make me smile by dancing round the bedroom floor

But I can’t shift this feeling inside

It’s the thought of the visit from your mother

It’s knowing right now she is driving over on the M56

To darken this beautiful day with overcast clouds of doom

We both know the scenario of the day ahead

She’ll be overbearing like she usually is

She’ll have that distained look upon her face that wishes me dead

She has ways of telling me I’m too old for you, that

I don’t have the prospects that she wants for you

I know she thinks I’ll never be good enough for you

I’ve tried to learn to love her, after all she part created you

But she doesn’t really want to know

We tolerate each other for the sake of you

We both know she hates your choices in life

That you turned you’re back on your rich life style

That she has difficulty in accepting your sexuality

She’ll hate the fact she can’t break us, no matter how hard she tries

But what she forgets is together we’re strong

That the love we share is an unconditional bond

She makes comments whether there needed or not

She’ll come with a hidden agenda

But I’m hoping she won’t try and upset you like she usually does

So I wish for the hours to quickly roll on by

So we can say “Don’t come back soon and goodbye.”

Then when it’s dark and she has gone promise me

We can be both dance round the bedroom floor

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

We will get you through this

ec

We sit waiting

Silent

No words

Just waiting

Your foot taps on the floor

It always taps when you’re nervous

I place my hand on your knee

To calm the twitch

I turn to you, smile

You squeeze my hand so tight

but I don’t mind

you smile right back at me

I tell “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

They call your name

the tests begin

heartbeats checked

it’s not good news

too much damage

but we already knew this

your symptoms have been getting worse

I know this because your heartbeats out of rhythm to mine

when I make love to you

they tell you the facts

A pacemaker is needed

but it doesn’t sink in

so I butt in “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

The choice has been made

 we’re sat in the car

silently

no words

You tell me “I’m scared Finn “

then the what if questions begin

It’s a game I’m all too familiar with

I tell “You’ll be fine it’s all good

they’re going to fix you,

you’ll be in safe hands and when it over

you’ll be in mine”

I place my hand on your knee

not to stop the twitch

but to reassure you

I smile at you

you squeeze my hand so tight

but I don’t mind

you smile right back at me

I tell “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

Darkness falls

I’m listening to your heartbeats

as I write

of how I would in a second

take

Your pain,

Your fear

You turn to face me

You watch me write for a while

 then you tell me

You want me

I stop

with pen put down

I  turned off the lights

I lean over to kiss you

you kiss me back harder

I place my hand on your knee

not to stop the twitch

but because you ask me

you hold my hand as you guide me

You so want to forget the day that been

But tomorrow  I will tell you again

“You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Would you ?

marry me

It’s late but

I’m wide awake lying here

With memories of our weekend still fresh in my head

And with still the touch of you

Lingering on my skin

Your on my mind

Then random thoughts appear in my brain

I’m replaying a conversation

I so want to have with you

If I asked you to marry me

Would you say yes

But is it too soon

I know we said we were taking it slow

I’m thinking longish engagement

What do think?

I want to recite my vows to you

Let’s face it, were half way there

Sickness and health I think we’ve already covered

Oh and the forsaking to all others

Oh  the richer and for poorer

well you know I’d live in a hovel as long you were by my side

There’s only til death do us part

And you know I want to spend the rest of my life with you

But I want to make to official

I want the certificate to say

My heart belongs to only you

I want the t-shirt with the lettering WIFE

Emblazed on it

And an arrow pointing to you!

I want to share your last name

Always wanted a double barrelled name

I want to wear matching bands of platinum gold

With an inscription of our love

We can read when were old

I want church bells, sky writing and choirs

I want to celebrate my love for you

I want them to play “our song”

When I dance you around the floor

So if I ask you to marry me would you

Say yes?

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

My words are meaningless without you

SHELFmy words always come from my deepest places

my soul and my heart

random thoughts poured out upon the page

they are confessions of darker, loner times

they are the words of love I’ve shared with you

but really they have no meaning without you

they are just words of meaningless random

but you complete my words

you are my every capital letter

my commas, my colons, my full stops

my explanation marks, the ellipsis

my quotation marks

my open and closed brackets

but never my question marks

but most of all you are the kiss

at end of my words I only share with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Your Beautiful Hands

hands covWhenever I think of you

I think of your hands

I remember how you nursed my mother back to health

With your caring touch

I remember on our first date you placed your hand on my knee

I recall how you asked me to hold your hand

As we walk back to your home

I remember how you changed the position

Your fingers became entwined with mine

How you still hold out your hand for me to hold every time we’re out

I love how your hands feel on my neck as you kiss me

I love how your thumb brushes over my lips when you’ve kissed them

I love the way your hands feel on my waist and  when you hug me

I love how your fingers take a slow stroll across my body

How they tease and caress me

The sensuality in your fingers generate such ecstasy

I remember the softness of the palms of your hands

As I held them when you were in hospital

How I check the length of your life line

As to reassure me that your life was long

That you weren’t going to leave me

How you squeezed my hand back when you awoke

I’ll never forget that one single squeeze of hope

I dream of the day when this land decides to make up its mind

How you and I  will stand face to face

Hand in hand

And how I will place my ring on your finger

The one that’s vein leads straight to your heart

So whenever I think of you

I

Always

Think

Of

Your

Beautiful

Hands

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

A phone call away

phoneAlone in bed I sit writing about you (Always about you )

My phone rings it’s you

You ask me “Are you writing?”

I reply “I am, are you reading, what chapter you on?

You give me a brief summary of what you’ve read

I can hear the excitement in your voice, I smile

You ask me “What you smiling about? “

I ask you “How do you do that?

How do you know my facial expression from a phone call?”

“I just do” you say

Then the conversation continues

“The sky is dark tonight “ you say

We sit /lie apart looking at the night sky

You’re not with me; you’re alone in your bed

But you’re looking at the same night sky as me

We’re barely 3 miles apart

But you feel so very close

I wish I could reach down the phone and look into your eyes so blue

Instead of the dark night andI wish I could tell how much I love you

“You say it’s cold tonight “and I agree

I say “There’s definitely a chill in the air

I wish I could reach down the phone and hold you and keep you warm

Instead of the cold freezing my skin and I wish I could tell you how much I miss you

“You say there is stillness tonight”

I say “I know it doesn’t feel right”

I wish I could reach down the phone and touch you

Instead I sit here still and I wish I could tell you how much I WANT you tonight

You say “It’s getting late ” and you know how early I have to be awake

I say “I know, I’m just finish this verse and then I’m going to sleep”

You reply “I’m finishing off this chapter and I’ll call it a night”

We finish off in unison “Sweet dreams babe, goodnight.”/

“Sweet dreams, night my sweet.”

We both hang up

I finish my verse

I turn off the light

I lie there alone in the dark, cold, still night,

with thoughts of nothing but you

Content knowing that’s what you’re doing too

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

What I would do

legs Before you I was lost deep within inside myself

 My name had returned on the singles list

There was a blackness that rule my head and heart

The girl I once loved, left for someone else far away,

All the relationships gone wrong before

I tried to  hide away

I try desperately to fill the void

Not knowing how to start

My mind in overdrive

I sunk to depths so deep

 Then you arrived

 My heart rejuvenated

 My mind so full of thoughts only of you

 You built me up, you counselled me                                           ,

You loved me and I began to love you (love me too)

So 5 years on and here we are

 We have had laughter, good times, stressful times,

Times we’ve parted and been lonely and miserable

But our love always shines through

Our life together now certain

You mean so much to me

That I would live my life over again

all its bad times, its black times,

I would allow myself to cavort with the demons of my past

For knowing you‘d be there

Even if it was only for

one last kiss

one last touch

one last night in your bed

one last look in your eyes

one last smile

I would do that for you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Tides

sailThere was a storm that hit our bay

That drifted you too far out to sea

Too far for me to swim and reach out for you,

So far I couldn’t rescue you (rescue us)

I stood on the beach helpless

I watched the flow of the water

carry you away

As the tears flowed down my cheeks

I was weighed down by heavy heart

heavy because it was full of sorrow

I looked out on to the horizon

you were  slowly drifting out of my sight

I thought you set sail towards new lands

I thought the tides of someone else’s ocean

had swept you to their shores

so many days you were lost at sea

I wondered if the tides would ever change their course

and return you back to me

then I saw your signal the beacon of light

the tides had granted me my wishes and guided you safely back to me

you moored yourself by my side

I  made a promise to myself ( to you) to keep you  safe

to never let you drift off back out to sea

because I will always keep your anchor secure, safe in my heart

where  it was meant to be

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Today we have a tomorrow

We talked and talked
A serious conversation
ground rules set
and then the relief
the heartache lifted
we laughed and laughed
I don’t think we’ve laughed that much
in a long while
I’ve missed your laughter , your smile,
I’ve missed you
you asked how long  could I stay
I said “I am yours for the rest of the evening ”
I was sat on the balcony having a cigarette
I was watching you in the kitchen
God  you looked so beautiful
you came to join me
you came up behind me
wrapped your arms around my waist
you perched your chin on my shoulder
you embraced me with your love
we just stood there in silence
content with feel of each others skin
God I’ve missed you, missed this
then I sensed your posture changed
you spun me round
and looked at me
there was a worried look in your eye
“We’re going okay aren’t we, me and you” you asked me
“Of course we are” I replied
I cupped your face in my hands
I kissed you
God how I missed your kisses
I clasped your hands in mine
I told you there and then today we have a tomorrow
tomorrow we have a future
a future a life together
but tonight we have love to share
and  I led you inside
come on I said “Let me show
you  how I know  we are okay “…
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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I can read you like a book.

My head is full of words

Words you told me yesterday of promises and wants

You say come round we’ll discuss it more

But really we know what would happen behind closed doors

A trail of discarded mess and we would ended up bed

Leaving me with you going around and around in my head

See you say you miss me you want to try work things out

But I read your mind; I can read you like a book

Really all your saying is you're missing is the fucks

I’m not being harsh I miss them too

We keep doing this thing with perpetual motion

We’re toying and playing with our emotions

We brush over things for momentary pleasures

Then a quick fuck turns into you staying for the night,

You move in and weeks of wonderful passion, we’re satisfied

Until one of us wakes up and thinks things through

So you take your leave or I ask you to

See I never ever thought I’d fall in love with you

So NO is answer to the question

You proposed to me the other day

We can’t just be fuck buddies me and you and I

I have too much respect for us

I know you do too!

But your words, they dont speak the truth

You’re not thinking straight cos you’re not missing the fucks

This is not you! I know deep down your heart is torn in two

I feel your pain because it's my pain too

You think you need comfort from a quick fuck

But deep deep down you know it’s more than that

It's the  fear of losing our love

That makes you say the things you do

I know because I can read you like a book.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Goodbye

uncle 2

Silently, with heart full of grief

With so much love

I will follow you on your last journey

Deep in thought I will sit quietly and pray for you

As we gather to say goodbye

I will  keep in my heart

all the times

You were there when my father was not

I remember you saying to me

“Do not be too hard on your father

that what he had was an illness, that he is a good man and

he does love you”

 as usual you were right

You had such compassion, just like my Grandfather

I will always be thankful for the shelter and the safety

You gave my mother and I when it was needed

and

times were hard

I thank you for  every holiday you gave me  

For allowing me to have some memories of a happy childhood

I thank you for your acceptance in my choices in love

You never judged, you just embraced anyone that loved me

You beamed at every exam I passed

 As proud as my father was

You always praised me for the way I care  for my mother

You told me “Your Grandfather would be so proud of you”

Those words mean more to me than anything that has ever been said to me

when you needed help

 I had to be there, to repay  you for every single thing you did for me

so tomorrow ,I your niece will silently with heart full of grief

 with so much love

will follow you on your last journey

and if you are looking over my shoulder

Always know that I  will always miss you

because you were always more than just an Uncle to me  

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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First Times

finnjuneI stand alone with my solitary shadow

with hands empty longing to touch you

with too much time I haven’t got

I spend filling it with regret and if’s and but’s

hours get lost along with me

I sit with cigarette in hand

tears slowly fall and I blame the smoke

I sit and reminiscence of so many memories of beautiful times

the time I first saw you

I’d beamed you were (are) so beautiful

the first kiss ,

I smirked (I cupped your face in my hands)

the first time we touched

I smiled ( I held you so tight I knew I should never let you go)

the first time I saw you naked

I was in awe of you (you relit feelings so deep I forgot they were there)

the first time we made love

I was aroused by you (God remember how nervous we were)

And  when we  realised our love was lost to the complications of life ( I cried)

I stood alone with my solitary shadow watching

the waves crash against the rocks and I cried a little more.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May our lives always collide

LIFE 2You breathed life back into me

I rediscovered my inner child out with you

You filled my world with laughter and fun

You filled my heart with so much love, so much passion

Something that had been stolen and denied to me for so long

Not one day did I not enjoy sharing with you

Not one night did we not look forward to sharing ourselves

You  counselled me , opened me up , rid me of my demons

You allowed me to share secrets I held ashamed enclosed within

With you I found contentment , an inner a peace

But yet I was always running away from you

Because I never wanted you to be the one to leave ,

But always you’d run after me ,always with a kiss you reassured me

That whatever life throws at us we will never be at war you and me and

I do believe you

But know one thing no one will ever touch my soul like you do

With time , with space , we will redefined our relationship

Not again as lovers but as friends and one day not far from now

We will sit side by side on the fence leaning towards happiness

Because our lives were always meant to collide

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Water

Water_droplet_blue_bg03

People across the world have tears flowing from their eyes

Each tiny droplet lands creating puddles as they fall

Each puddle builds into streams

Constantly growing as it moves and flows

Into the rivers and across the seas they go

 

This is the life force that we need in order to survive

This colourless, odourless liquid that is clear to the naked eye

 

The mysterious fluid which separates lands

And holds the people to ransom within its hands

The course of its fluidity, so gentle and yet

So extreme, can be our saviour and then

In an instant be our destruction

 

This is the life force that we need in order to survive

This colourless, odourless liquid that is clear to the naked eye

 

Each river and ocean that holds life within its depth

Each tidal wave that sculptures the earths surfaces to dramatic effects

 

This is the life force that we need in order to survive

This colourless, odourless liquid that is clear to the naked eye

 

Water…

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Our Bed

bed aI counted today how many days it has been

since you shared our bed,

it’s sixteen

And yet I still cannot bring myself to invade your space

So I remain lying still here on my side

With back turned away from the void

Where your frame once laid

Naked, still and so beautiful

Our bed full of happy times, sensual times, contented times

Stressful times of when you were ill, which I try to forget

Our bed … our haven, our own Utopia, our paradise, our private place.

A place for late night passion and early morning chats and cups of tea

Bedtime reading and flirtatious teasing

A place we watched full moons and constellations

And the rising sun and changing seasons

A place where we begin the working day

And looked forward to weekend play

A place that now feels as lost as me

where I now lie

still here on my side

With back turned away from the void

Trying desperately not to cry

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Joie de vivre

Joie de vivreI am lacking in joie de vivre

My brain has stopped properly functioning

Since things went wrong and you left again

My brain over thinks 

It’s over worked

With thoughts of you

Play, pause, rewind,

Memories of happier times on a loop of you, me, us

I try so desperately try to recall your touch

 I so miss the feel of you, the warmth of you, the love of you

My body aches for you

Melancholy invades me again

Too many emotions are contained fighting within

I need so much sleep

I could sleep for a hundred days   

But then there is the emptiness,

But I so need empty, I so need space

I need the void to wallow in

To recovery, to gather strength

Within these walls of silence

To find my joie de vivre without you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Random Break up thoughts

he

Hear that…

Twang

The vessels in my head snap

1, 2, 3 Ping

I feel the warm blood flow

My brain is over thinking

The blood, the memories

Coat and keep my brain warm

I see kaleidoscope images of you

Then reality hits and there is darkness all around

Tears have drowned my body

It is weak,

Too weak it could not hold onto you

 or wave you goodbye

People try to speak, make conversation

I hear their voices but their sound is muffled, distorted

Their words make no sense,

They try to console; try to say life has purpose without you

Sense. What is sense?

How can two people’s lives and love so entwined

Just end!  We gave up, we stopped believing

Purpose. What is purpose?

You were my purpose

You made me, shaped me from the mess you met

You gave me reason, to breath, to wake, to love

Now I’m left with the thoughts of us

The thought when I brought

You back to life when your heart was giving in

Now here am my heart is giving in

with you not here to save it

Hear that…

Twang

The vessels in my head snap

1, 2, 3 Ping

I feel the warm blood flow

The blood, the memories

Coat and keep my brain warm

My brain has over thought

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Goodbye, I wish you well my love…

goodbyeAllow me the space, the time to grieve for you

to come to terms that our time has past

Let me focus on the present

 Let me move forward into my future without you

Allow me to hold on to the memories

of your touch 

Allow me to hold onto the memories

of  your kisses

Let me smile once in a while

whenever I think of you and I will wish you well my love

I will wish you the love that you deserve

that I so wanted to give to you

but couldn’t

I wish you happiness

 the freedom to enjoy all the love you deserve

Allow her take you away for illicit weekends in romantic cities

to places I would have loved to have taken you to but couldn’t

Allow her shower you with love

to  put you on that pedestal that you deserve to adorn

as I always did

In return I ask only this

That you think of me once in a while

and

please never take her to Angel Bay

please leave it untouched

let always remain full of  our love

and the memories of you and me.

In return I will let you go

with my blessing,

with my love

and

 I will wish you well.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Tell me

tell me

Tell me how I should feel (because I do not how I should feel)

Tell me if this pain you left me with will heal (in time I hope it will)

Tell me if this bed will ever stop feeling so lonely (without you to share it)

Tell me if that look you gave me today wasn’t full of regret (because you know it was)

Tell me I’m wrong (Your eyes could never lie to me)

Tell me you don’t still care (because I know you do)

Why else did choose to be with me today instead of her (did she know where you were?)

Tell me 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

For my uncle

We sitlp

We talk

We listen

Machines beep, flash

Exhale and inhale

We hold your hands

We stroke your face

To bring you peace

and to bring us comfort

But reality says you are not there

But clinically you are very much here

Centre of our attention (you hate fuss)

I see my mother silently reciting the Mi Sheberakh

for you

sleep long

sleep peacefully

sleep

sleep

bless you go quietly

bless you go with dignity

bless you pass surrounded by love.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Concealment

concealEmotions out of sight

To be witnessed by none

Concealed weakness

Covert sorrow

Filling my frame no gaps left exposed

Contained, tight lip

Normal

Deep breath, smile

Tears concealed

Your public waits

Off stage

Private space

Mask off

Breakdown

Tears flow

My emotion have escaped 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Betrayal

you did

The news you delivered

I can still feel the kick to my gut

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

My brain stills resonates from your deceit

I deserved more than your secrecy

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

Your words meant nothing (did they?)

Mine meant everything, (every single last word)

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

You mocked me,

YOU PITIED ME!

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

You allowed me to dream a dream

 That was only real in my poems

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

Yet I still can’t hate you

Because I loved you so much

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

I was, You did, Were we?

a betI was naïve to the real you

I was blinded by your beauty

I was hungry for your touch

I was once so in love with you

I WAS

You did tarnish the image I had of you in the end

You did show me how ugly you became in the end

You did starve me of real affection in the end

You did give away the love you once had for me in the end

YOU DID

Were we?

Were we once?

Were we once so?

Were we once so in?

Were we once so in love?

WERE WE?

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Circles

circles

We are constantly walking in circles

Never straight lines

Never with purpose

We are constantly walking in circles

Never moving to my left

Never moving to your right

We are constantly walking in circles

We once walked in sync

But now we are so out of rhythm

We are constantly walking in circles

Fresh starts, mundane middles, heart breaking finishes

Reliving the same situations, over and over and over

We are constantly walking in circles

I want to break this sphere and straighten it out

This ecliptic that constantly over shadows

We are constantly walking in circles

I want to be able to walk forward, never looking back, never with regrets

I need to find way of walking forward with direction and purpose

Together or apart

But I am tired of constantly walking in circles

Over and

Over and

Over

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

You are

youYou are the goodnight kiss that sends me to me to my slumber

I am lucky

You are the dawn chorus that gently wakes me from my dreams

I am lucky

You are the winter sun that keeps me warm on cold cold days

I am lucky

You are the anchor of my vessel you keep me

safe when storms would drown me

I am lucky

You are the constant star that guides me home (when I am lost)

I am lucky  to have you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Thoughts of an illicit kiss

kissI asked my brain to keep all

Its thoughts

Its desires

Its despair

To itself

It did not listen

It fills me with needs and curiosities

I do not want

It teases me with thoughts of you and it shouldn’t

It plans scenarios that cannot happen,

Of times I would have I would have once died

for just one illicit kiss from you

When I’m a sleep it makes me dream

That you are teasing my skin with your touch

I longed for you once upon a time when

Things in my life were full of lies

You thought I was happy when I was not

I spent years acting

out a secret love affair,

open relationships,

playing the field

one night stands

and then fantasies of you

But now I have finally found someone who I want to be

Faithful with

Commit with

Someone I want share my life with

I can’t have my brain sharing long forgotten thoughts,

But I still can’t help thinking what that illicit kiss would have been like

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Standing back and surveying

web 1I need to stand  back and unravel myself  from this web

stand by review and survey

what  purpose it wants of me

 As all I see is that it plan is  for me to feed your ego

I need to re-hinge myself to everything that matters

to people who I  need as much as they want me

I have been reliving  loves of old

and a childhood  I’d would rather forget

but I know  that it is  part of the therapy

making me visit ‘old friends’

my baby is concerned

she says I’m troubled  

that at night  I toss and turn

I do not rest

she says her arms are not enough to contain

she cannot contain my thoughts

my baby says it needs rest

it’s wandering thoughts

are bringing me down

she is right

I do need stillness

I need to smell the cold

and taste the waves

To spend time alone with her

at our cove

To lose ourselves in moments of love

To share myself with no but her 

I just  need to return myself to the fold

Spend time with those I love

whilst  I leave you find some else to feed your ego’s

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Peace keeper

i_wear_my_heart_on_my_sleeve_by_inside_battle-d3al6whI am peace keeper, a fool

see my  heart  is it tied upon my sleeve

with a sash of blue

it is the reason I hurt so  much

always playing the fool , the joker

living life through whimsical humour

but my face it reads truth it cannot lie

I tried appeasing you so many times

but I tired

I aged , with age comes courage

a courage that I thought would  never be mine

I did away with stroking your ego,

I served my time

12 years under your lock and key

I never once asked you to put me on a pedestal 

All I asked was for you to love me as much as I once loved you

You strayed 

I was weak once

but twice I had to be done with you

Yet you still left me broken in two

You left rage and  anger so deep in me that

If you were to stand before now

I could snap you in two but

I am peacekeeper  and but no longer your  fool

See my eyes they no longer cry tears for you

See my face it reads truth it cannot lie

my eyes no longer look through eyes of love

they see and they just pity you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Mood v Libido

sex

I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

You run a bath, you say it’s to relax me

But I hear you pottering about

Waiting to be asked to join me

But I don’t

Dried I climb into bed , you’re already sat

Waiting, pretending to read, book closed

You lean over to  kiss me,

I return it back but

You turn this into a  passionate kiss

Again I return it  but  that’s as far as I wanted  it to go

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

You think I’m receptive because of that kiss

Next thing you’ve change your position you’ve straddle  me

You start to caress me ,

Hands on breasts

Kisses on my neck ,

Tongue  teasing nipples and my belly too

I know where it’s heading

So I usher you back up for more kisses

You’re trying to arouse me but none of it will work

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

I feel your hand move towards the inside of my thigh

I allow you to play for a while

in the hope it sparks  life into me

I feel  you as you enter inside me,  I don’t resist

again I hope a release of endorphins

to break this spell

that has been unfortunately cast on me

cos I really do want to Fuck you , but  it isn’ t going to be tonight

I say I’m sorry next time I promise to make you my

‘Pillow Queen’

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

You say it’s ok , that it your fault

you thought it might help

So there we lay spooned , I can feel your breasts in my back

You kiss my back and say

“ Just  wait and see tomorrow YOU will be fine”

You add your sweet dreams like you always do

Your arm around my belly and your fingers are entwined with mine

Suppressed  tears in my eyes , I’m angry with myself

and mad at you for being so bloody understanding

but then  secretly I am glad because

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

and your libido thought otherwise

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Bipolar day blues

bi

 I’ve been on a real downer today

I been locked in a space my head

With very little to say

I craved addiction again today

I’ve been crying so many tears of sorrow

That my eyes sting with pain

Please let me wake up sane tomorrow

I’ve been shaking too

Constant is the tap in my foot

And there’s a kick in the pit of belly that holds

a sickness that makes me wants to throw up

My legs feel heavy, but they wobble like jelly

There’s a song in my head

Bipolar day blues

An earworm

Constant

Constant

CONSTANT

Is its noise

I want to tell it to shut the Fuck up

I been on a real downer today

I been locked in a space my head

With very little to say

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

My Angel

spoon

It’s two in the morning

I wake gasping for air and YOU

But neither are there

My heart races, I can hear the

Marching thumps as they get

Louder and louder

and nearer and nearer

my brain is full of confusion

I want to text you but

know I can’t

you’re tending to the REAL sick and needy

then I see one missed called and that 

you’ve sent me a text about

10:45, I must have fallen asleep

it reads “I h8 night shifts, cu in morn sleep well babe luv u: x “

your words begin to calm me down  

because they represent   the ‘Whole’ you,

the woman I allowed myself to fall in love with

I get overwhelmed, begin to cry

if I was younger I’d blame my emotions

 on my  hormone’s playing tricks on me

but I know better…

its 2:30 in the morning

as I’m finding solace in my computer

my phone vibrates it’s you

with your ESP senses

“Hi babe, you ok, how long have you been awake?”

Your question leaves me dumbfounded

I reply “How did you know I was awake?”

“Babe I sleep next to  you at night,

I know when your

agitated ,troubled and scared

it’s always around 2ish

but you are never aware that

when you start shaking

I just wrap my arms around you

 and cuddle you in,”

I realise that I think I’m fine

but underneath   I’m still so damaged

it’s just YOU who takes everything away

during the night

god how did I come to EVER deserve you when

all I do is  selfishly

TRY and push you a way

My

Beautiful

Beautiful

Angel in the night

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland. All rights reserved

May contain Rants

No Vacancy

vacc

Missing one funny bone

have you seen it?

It’s been missing most of the afternoon

I think someone stole it whilst I was taking a nap

They replaced with the melancholy,

I know melancholy well

It’s vacated here before

I swore I had the no vacancy sign showing

but now it has unpacked its bags

there no sign to say

how long its likely to  stay

lets hope it gone before you know it!

Missing one funny bone 

Have you seen it?

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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May contain Rants

One of those days

closed mid

My minds been wandering to day

To places I want to escape to, but don’t

My body feels numb today

It needed to inhale nicotine

and make smoke rings

sometimes I feel safe and I like that

The familiarity, the safeness of you

but is it enough?

but sometimes I just want to

run, and run, and run

to a space where there is no similarity

to anything I hold dear

because being alone is preferable to

losing you

losing your love,

losing your touch

my minds been full of fear today

and I really, really don’t like it

Today I really needed the warmth of your touch

For you to hold me, rock me and tell me with a reassuring softness

Its ok babe, you’re just having

One of those days

One of those days

One

Of

Those

Days.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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Time with you

LIFE 1

I need an adventure of sorts

I need to walk across tideless sands

To feel the remnants of sea salt soaking into my toes

I need to go hunting for creatures, in deep pools of black waters

I need to go an excavate rocks and boulders

I need to place my flag on territories to say I was there

What I really mean to say is I want to just go spend a child like day at the beach

with you

To go beach walking and paddle in the sea hand and  in hand

with you

To go catching  the crabs in the shallow pools amongst the rocks in bay

with you

To go  rummaging out shiny smooth  pebbles shaped as hearts

with you

To have sand filled  picnics at the bay

with you

To scribble  our names “Jo and June” in a huge sand heart to say  I’m in love 

with you

I want to just go spend a day at the beach

with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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A memorable meeting

On December 28 1979

I discovered women!

No correction

I discovered I was attracted

To a Woman,

Her name was Debbie.

I can only describe this discovery as a sublime

This was moment captured in time

From out of the dark she appeared

I must admit after that

Things became a little blurred

I was memorized by her

I was captivated by her

Her dead pan persona

Her style,

Blonde bombshell

The red lips,

Tight jeans

T-shirt ripped

I was in love at thirteen

I became a devotee

My room became a shrine

I worshipped her from afar

After all these years

She’s still divine

So the bottom line

you want to know the truth

I am still in love with her

The one and only

Miss Debbie Harry

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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Dear Head F***

MEYou’ve been running around my brain again

and again

and again

STOP

let me compose myself

so I can overdose myself

on things I shouldn’t take but do

they ease the pain that is you

STOP

I wear my heart on my sleeve

but yours isn’t anywhere to be seen

you really haven’t got a fucking clue

you have no idea because all you do

is go running around my brain again,

and again

and again

STOP

you want to hook up so a message  you send

you’re  at loose end

I haven’t seen you weeks

not heard from you in days

no because  you’ve  had someone else on the go

but all of sudden you’re at loose end

you want me to come over, stroke your ego

because you know you’ve been running around my brain again

and again

and again

STOP

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

this is an old poem slightly tweaked , apologises for the photo , couldn’t find an original one of the head fuck (probably burnt or shredded!) So you’ll have to do with one of an ever so sightly tired 47 year old woman AKA ME!!! (I was going to use it on another poem I have in mind!)

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It’s a generational point of view

bench

Lunchtime in the park

You’ve text  me you need a break

You’ve had a busy morning of

Cancer Inauguration’s of people who are

Scared of what their future hold’s

You know through experience that only half will survive

You needed a break and a comforting arm around your shoulder

and the reassurance of a kiss upon your cheek

you receive all in the park at lunchtime

a small group of teenage girls go by

they couldn’t have been no more than fifteen years old

a small presentation of what our future holds

we’re clench in fingertips, locked in lips,

I admit we were lost in the moment for a brief second

because being gay in a very straight world we are

always,

always

planning our advances

I hear one remark with venom

“Did you see that, they were ‘gay kissing’ “

This comment makes me angry, but importantly it makes

me sad that this a sample view of our younger generation

who can differentiate between a kiss and a gay kiss,

would they differentiate between loves?

would they keep us oppressed and try force us back into closets?

it makes me disillusioned

then an old couple come join us on the bench,

they see your wearing hospital scrubs

they strike up conversation of how they lost their daughter

ten years ago to breast cancer

you can see the rawness is their eyes

they ask us if we are a couple,

reluctantly I confirm we are

their reply is simple yet beautiful

and it fills my heart with warmth and restores my faith

“Cherish each other”,

“Be there for each other”,

and “Love one another.”

we take their advice and say our goodbyes and

hand in hand we take our leave

We overhear the old woman comment to her husband

“What a nice couple they were. “, he replies “Yes dear they were.”

It makes us smile and and you squeeze my hand

as we continue to walk on hand in hand

that lunchtime in the park

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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May contain Rants

Breaking down and Breaking up

whyThe daily routine begins before seven

How Sunday in your arms remains a distant Heaven

Patiently waiting for the day to be done

and then in your arms I can run

and even though our time has had its troubles

making things stress and taut

I always find myself back in your

presence wanting to be caught

Will be the one that saves me from this tedium

for breaking down and breaking up is all we seem to do

How I long for a happy medium

to share myself with you.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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May contain Rants

Floodgates

breaking

It’s a daily battle holding the

Floodgates closed

For then when you are not near

Only night,

The dark

The loneliness pushes them open

Salt tears burn at my skin

It stings and I like the pain

Because it makes me feel

It’s the only thing that makes me feel

The night it the only time

I am free to be me

Either with you in ecstasy

Or alone in my despondency

Free from the facet of daylight hours

You know I have troubled soul

and a troubled heart and sometimes

I have damaged thoughts too

But here you are steadfast you remain

standing  by me, my keeper of the keys

But It is a daily battle holding

The floodgates locked

I get frightened and push you away

Not because I don’t love you

I so do ,

It that I think our love

Maybe not be enough from keeping

The floodgates from opening

and I don’t want you silently drowning alone with me

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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May contain Rants

Cankles and size 7 feet!

????????????????????We rarely argue, we rarely fight

We have bond so strong so tight

But that night we fought, how we fought

It all started off so innocently

The usual pick you up from the hospital where you worked

Quick kisses on the cheek as you get into the car

With “Hi babe how was your day?”

and then, oh yes then

I made the mistake on commenting on your ankles

I wish could have eaten those words right there and then

I said”Sweetheart  look your ankles are swollen ,are you ok?”

you reply with displeasure

that if I think hard enough  still resonates in my head

“Those are my ankles! Are you implying I have cankles?”

“No I was worried because of your heart condition

and with you being on your feet all day, that’s all.”

You sarcastically reply “I”m amazed you got down as far my ankles!”

Jokingly I replied “I know I’m amazed I got past your breast too!”

A silent journey home ensues

then slamming of

car doors,

front doors,

bedroom doors,

bathroom doors,

an hour later you reappear

you still not happy, I can tell

The three of us sit down for dinner my mum, you and I

you’re laughing joking with my mum but me ,I may as well not have been there

my mum retires to her room

silently we’re in the kitchen clearing the plates

I’m washing, you’re drying.

all of a sudden you remember I’m there

You say “ I may have cankles,  but you have size seven feet! “

an all mighty war breaks out because my feet are actually size six

and I didn’t actually say you had cankles!.

later we’ve headed to bed

back to back we lay,

I say “I’m sorry , you have beautiful ankles”

I turn and so do you

we’re face to face

you kiss me on my forehead and said “It’s ok , I forgive you

but you still have size 7 feet! ”

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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