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Snap, Write, Blog…

As I said in my previous post, New Year , a time for reflection , taking stock and re-valuating things. So over the last week I have been taking stock, reflecting and jotting down things , projects I want /need to do . I think it’s important for each of us to set goals , to push ourselves , whether mentally or physically and not make excuses in not having the time to do things that make us happy. Even if you only have 15 minutes   a day, you can begin the process .

Anyway on personal  note I KNOW I need a leave of absence from social media for a while; feeling too tangled up (on Facebook right now) than is healthy for me, so started off the process of weaning myself away from it, which has  begun with cleansing  some of my friends off Facebook . Not because they’re not nice people, its just that there was no mutual social interaction , so I really didn’t see the point of justifying having them as friends on Facebook !

Then there is my blog , when I originally started I had no idea of how it would develop. Whether it would be me posting the odd rant every so often. It ended up with me sharing poetry ( I have no idea how or why it happened) but I’m glad it did. It got the creative juices flowing. I’m very self critical of my ‘writing’ , I don’t have the self belief in thinking that my poems are remotely any good , never mind even just OK.

This year I want to set myself a challenge with the blog, I have some idea’s on how I want it to develop , whether it will be more poetry , or more journal based I’m  not sure yet .

But then I might  actually start sharing photograph’s . Its a passion I  had  over 30 years ago, and recently I’ve been wanting to explore it again.

When I was in my late teens I ate ,lived , breathed photography, I was lucky enough to have two exhibitions of my work shown in Manchester, which were really  successful . I wanted to pursue it as a career, so I study photography as an ‘A ‘level,  built my portfolio up and I got accepted to study Photography at Manchester Polytechnic when I was 21 ,but never accepted the place on the course ,as my mum became really ill and life’s priorities changed. It was then put the camera away and stopped taking photographs . But always  I still look at things from the view point that there an image , a photograph waiting to be captured  Its very much the same when it comes to words or observations , I see the format of a poem or a blog .

My partner has been aware that there has been this niggle for quite a few months now, but I suppose self doubt and the knowledge that there is unfortunately an element  of snobbery that exists when it comes to photography , I don’t know whether I have still what it takes. But as my partner says ” How do you know until you give it a go and try “. So for Christmas she bought me a new camera and told me ” You no longer have an excuse , go take some photographs, build your confidence back up!”  ( Nice to know she believes in me !)

So yes I have a list of projects  I want to do this year. A hundred ideas on blogs and poems I want to write. I have no idea when they will come to fruition . As they say time will tell.

May contain Rants

Is life really so bad?

I hadn’t realised it been just over 2 months since I posted my last blog.

To be honest haven’t wanted to write anything that requires me to think. I’ve been dealing with an old back injury and trying to manage my Fibromyalgia, which flared up and repaid me an unwelcome visit last July. So currently having intense physio and attending a pain management clinic , just so I can really stop relying on the pain meds and also get off the anti-depressants, because with having Fibro and dealing with chronic pain comes depression, it’s a vicious circle . But in my experience you mustn’t dwell on the negative. Positivity, having a sense of humour being able to laugh is the key to beating pain, harder said than done, cos trust me belly laughs hurt.

Anyway so here we are, Christmas is over, 2013 has gone, and so a brand new shiny Year awaits to be filled with new memories. But I felt the need to write something today, for two reasons really

One because it’s a New Year .I love New Year, it a time to take stock, reflect, and set yourself new challenges. However going back to work, and listening to conversations, I am amazed at how many people whinge, moan about a variety of things life throws at them. They moan about work, money, etc., etc. Don’t get me wrong I love a good rant, but it’s usual about the way people behave, how they conduct themselves, about how injustice exists because of their behaviour.

Yet not one rejoices on the fact they are alive, well , probably happy sharing their life with someone they love, with no real hardship because they have a roof over their head and a bed to sleep in , clean clothes on their back and a belly so full of food. A head that has the luxury to dream, create ,have choices to do, be anything, find a balance of putting up with the crap life throws at them and being content they have an outlet to express themselves, they have the luxury of time to write lists of future plans, a bucket list. But instead people, they wallow in self-pity, why can’t people just be happy they have their health, a future.

Secondly I write this because my partner who is a sister in a large cancer hospital , she works on the a teenage cancer ward, every day she and her staff tend , nurse patients who aren’t let’s face not going to get well . On Thursday she went back to work and one of her patients is a young man, he’s 15, he’s been ill and in hospital since November, he and his parents were told that he probably won’t make it to July. So she spent the majority of the day comforting him and his parents. This young adult who will never know that feeling of being in love, of having children, be able to moan about the 9 to 5 and the rat race, will never be able to write lists of things he wants to do.

Sort of puts life in perspective really doesn’t it?

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Goodbye to 2012 and Hello 2013………..

Seeing as I have time on my hands , which is rare for me , I decided to another blog ,as it might be a while until the next one, as I have a feeling January , February are going fairly busy with work, study and the added headache of now flat hunting.

Well 2012 is coming to a close and 2013 is less than 24 hours away. I love New Year it’s one of my favourite Holidays. I suppose it suits my character , because what lays before you is like a brand new shiny clean page just waiting for you to fill with adventures and memories and I like brand new shiny things , I like the neatness of it all.

On the whole 2012 was actually ok, I have no complaints, it leaves me with lessons learnt , and lots of memories and finally I  gained contentment.

The start of 2012 was not the best  The months prior to 2012 were a struggle for me, which ran into January and February of 2012 , I had been diagnosed as peri-menopausal in September 2011 , which at my age was unusually young, even though I’m in my mid forties. Not only did I have the physical aspects to deal with, far more worrying were the effects the condition did to my mental state, I was going through a mini breakdown, I couldn’t function nor could I concentrate, which for someone like me, who likes order was a nightmare.I’d also split from my girlfriend, the girlfriend I’m  back with now .

My doctor prescribed me with anti depressants , which I have had in the past , but I’ve never really been a fan, personally I feel they gloss over things. Now I’m not  saying that they don’t have their place in some situations, but they are not for me.They made me tired, and worse of all the made me feel suicidal and I also started to smoke again,  I’d also hooked up with this women I had met 2 years prior , who ended up being a complete headfuck as was the relationship, the only saving grace is I didn’t sleep with her and in my state could have easily happened,  lets just I was in a really bad way. Anyway I took sometime off work about 4 weeks, came off the meds , finally got rid of the headfuck  and breathed a sigh of relief.

By March my head was cleared , my girlfriend who I split from in August 2011, I heard was dating Tom , Dick and Harriet , I tried to put her at the back of my mind but I was gutted when I had heard the rumours that she was seeing other people (All of which weren’t true), you see we never actually parted on bad terms, I sort of pushed her a way because that’s what I do , it all comes down to the issue of love again and also because of what I was going through. However March and my birthday arrived and I received flowers from her and we got back in touch , we met up and talked and talked all evening , and although it wasn’t planned we ended up sleeping together , but hey when are these  things ever planned , and we both knew from that moment we should be back together, we’d both been miserable without each other. Although we didn’t announce it immediately we took a little time before we publicly said we were back together and since then things have been great apart from a minor wobble on my part which was over before it really started,

Well April flowed into May and May into June etc etc  I managed to quit smoking in May, during the rest of this time my girlfriend and I had some problems to deal with her mum and her acceptance of her daughters sexuality and also because of our relationship as I am twenty years older than her , oh and that we come from totally different social backgrounds. You see I’m my girlfriends first serious lesbian relationship, and she had also just come out to her parents , so I can kind of understand where her mum was coming from at the time, she need time out to get her head  around things and also deal with her concerns for daughters future and she also had slight reservations regarding me being older and having previous past relationships and plus the fact that I am a carer. (dating and being a caregiver is one of my future blogs for 2013!)

Well we moved into July and August and this when the year didn’t seem to be going well . My girlfriend has a heart condition which decided to give her a few major problems.  It was very serious at one point and we were expecting the worse, major surgery and even worse. I never at the time truly discussed the real graveness of the situation because I couldn’t bear to think about the thought of losing her, let alone tell anyone , so I was very matter of fact about the details I gave, but the last weekend in August we nearly lost her. Thankfully she pulled through only through her mums intervention. Ironically it was during this time her mum and I bonded, and thankfully she has come to realise how much I love her daughter and vice versa and that hopefully we are for keeps .

September and October we dealt with the recovery of my girlfriend , and I decided it was time to bite the bullet and commence gaining my British Sign Language qualifications. All of this was motivated/encouraged by the girlfriend , she’s one determined woman and well basically runs my life for me which is no bad thing, its nice having her at helm!

November arrived with an unwanted visitor. My mum had developed a pressure ulcer in 2009 which took 15 months to heal and it decided to open up again. Luckily we were on the ball and we have saved it being worse that it could have and although it’s doing ok , the medical staff that are looking after it are driving us all nuts,because instead of it being healed by now ,which was a feasible idea they have caused a serious infection to develop ,which is thankfully nearly sorted and so they have caused this to be dragged this into early 2013

Anyways 2013 is nearly upon us and although I don’t make resolutions as a rule ,well not ones immediately starting on January 1st ,I am this year.

First is making an appointment with my doctors for a complete  M.O.T as there a few things which are concerning me at the mo, which I’m not going to divulge further on because it’s non of your beeswax!

Secondly time to tone, I’ve put on a bit of weight this year , which is no bad thing as I’m skinny a rake , but I’m not as toned as I use to be and frankly I DON’T LIKE IT, so that’s a goal that has to be achieved and I think it will help with the whole fitness thing.

Thirdly and most importantly STUDY, STUDY AND MORE STUDY, I have to get that qualification in British Sign language!

Fourthly Get back to reading more and lay off social networks ie FB! I have always been avid reader , but this year that has simply not happened. Usually manage 2 book per month , but not this year! Anyway I have complied a list of books that I want to read , they are as follows :-

Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain by Portia de Rossi (Only because it relates to something my girlfriend has lived through)

The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom

The Paris Wife by Paula McLain

The Sisters: The Saga of the Mitford Family by Mary S Lovell

Scotch Verdict by Lillian Faderman

Zeitoun by Dave Eggers

The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott by Kelly O’Connor McNees

Well these should keep me going for a few months

Finally try to keep up with the blogging (.I have a list of subjects I want to write about!) and the photography which is coming on slowly.

Anyway I know that there are exciting things around the corner for the girlfriend career wise , I can’t say too much at the moment because things have yet to be finalised .

Anyways Happy New Year Everyone . May 2013 bring you much happiness and fulfilment.