May contain Rants · Uncategorized

I get to see the sunrise…

Now as to every coin there are two sides, as this is the case with my character, the fundamental things that make me tick and ultimately what makes me want to write and make me value things I believe in. I feel I should introduce  newer followers to my mum aka (DB). How can I put it , she is singularly THE most important person in my life, thankfully my girlfriend gets this and  understands this and does not feel threatened by it.

My mum has single-handedly taught me more about life and how to conduct myself through it than any other person alive or dead. But that’s to be attributed to the way she has conducted herself through her life .I feel it only right that I start at the beginning to explain what I mean when I say that. Now as a child at about 6 years old she became very ill and she developed T.B meningitis, she lost her mother at the age of 9 and also her eldest sister who was just 22 when she died , both her mother and sister also had T.B. My mum had an experimental operation which saved her life , but it was at the cost of her hearing (they destroyed her eardrums ) . Now my mum was lucky enough to have a father who had a no-nonsense kind of attitude to life , who had not only just lost his wife, his eldest child and was also witness to his youngest daughter (my mum) fighting for her life. He also kept his remaining three children together, held down a full-time job,and didn’t have the privilege of care leave or child care as is the case today, in the late forties early 1950’s these things did not simply exist. Anyway after my mum spent two yeas in hospital , as a no-nonsense kind of man he work his fingers to the bone to pay for my mum to go to a specialist boarding school as he had the hindsight to know she needed a head start because there were no special provisions for disabled people back then , there were no day schools for deaf children then . As result my grandfather’s intervention she ended up working in a hearing environment as a secretary.Remarkable for its time , never once has my mum ever let her disability stand in way, but unfortunately society and it’s environment have! She overcomes obstacles the world tries to challenge her with instead of grumbling why they’ve put them there in the first place.  She is a true survivor in every sense of the word and as a result values her life more preciously than any other person I know and as out of respect I try to live my life in the same way. (Sometimes it is more difficult , than you think, but somehow her strength always gets me through!- It definately did this year , this year we helped each other out. )

My mum went back into work working in a film archives as a cutter/editor when I was 8, I became a latch key kid !

When my mother was 45 the after effects of the experimental operation she had as child came back to haunt her and she began find it difficult to walk. she had a spinal operation which found adhesion’s from the medication used were slowly killing her nervous system and again down to the wonders of medicine my mum survived but at a further loss of her ability to walk,  and is  subsequently as this was happening, she also battled breast cancer twice and ovarian cancer and  skin cancer yet she is still with us.With not word of complaint. Nor has there ever been any moments she has felt sorry for herself.

They say that you only get one mother and mine is special. I became her carer 25 years ago when she was no longer able to walk, stand ,shower/  dress herself . As a family we agreed we did not want to rely on strangers and so far we haven’t (apart from when she has been in hospital).  I work part time to look after DB , this means that week days mornings  are regimented up at 4 , so I can get her ready , then its off to sort myself  out . It breaks my heart to have to get her up so early , but she always says at Ieast I am lucky I get to see the sun rise.

I have one aim in life and that is to ensure that DB has the best quality of life, that she’s happy , for however long that maybe.

It’s important you also know I do not write these blogs to gain sympathy or anything egotistical, I purely write , one for myself because I enjoy writing as it calms my mind (because I have inherited the depressive gene off my dad!) and two I need to have a rant every so often because let’s be frank most people in this world are feckin annoying and stupid and are so feckin preoccupied with whats wrong with their life that they forget was right with it. Although I find it’s best deal with such people head on sometimes it’s not always the time nor the place and sometimes nothing can beat a good old rant!!

So that’s it , my mum summarized in a blog, and will explain what I write and the reason I write about certain things in future blogs. Nothing to more to declare, except the most important word to me is FAMILY and although mine haven’t always had an easy ride of it , we have stuck it out , and dealt with things head on and just got on with our lives as most of us do, but I suppose it’s all down to the genes and I’m lucky with mine

May contain Rants

A mother’s love

me and mum

This is a very old poem I’ve had since I was about 22 , so it’s twenty five years old. I wrote for my mum who was at the time very seriously ill with cancer and was about to have an operation that we did not know at the time whether she would survive it. We were told by the doctors to say our goodbyes, the night before the operation I gave her this poem. Thankfully she is still with me and today she still treasures the poem I gave her..

You taught me right from wrong

You sheltered me from everything of harm

You moulded me into someone who stood tall

Someone who is strong

You guided me from danger, you told me to

Always walk away and remain calm

You taught how to read and write

To know the comfort of books

You showed me how to be kind and to always believe in humanity

And when the night was scary, you’d comfort me

And tell me everything would be alright

You never tried to be different, you never believed in vanity

You always gave so much of yourself, even

When times were hard and there was no one around for you

You always had a hankie ready to wipe away all my tears

And when I needed things and money was scarce

You’d sacrifice yourself for me and even

Walked around with cardboard in your shoe!

And now I am grown and time has passed into years

I need to tell you how thankful I am for all you have done

And how I grateful I am for having you as my mum

I may not have shown it with gifts or kisses

I’ve expressed it in ways that are invisible

To the naked eye and are only meant for you

So for everything we’ve been through

I just want you to know how much I really do love you.

May contain Rants

A mother's love

me and mum

This is a very old poem I’ve had since I was about 22 , so  it’s twenty five years old. I wrote for my mum who was at the time very seriously ill with cancer and was about to have an operation that we did not know at the time  whether she would survive it. We were told by the doctors to say our goodbyes, the night before the operation I gave her this poem. Thankfully she is still with me and today she still treasures  the poem I gave her.. 

You taught me right from wrong

You sheltered me from everything of harm

You moulded me into someone who stood tall

Someone who is strong

You guided me from danger, you told me to

Always walk away and remain calm

You taught how to read and write

To know the comfort of books

You showed me how to be kind and to always believe in humanity

And when the night was scary, you’d comfort me

And tell me everything would be alright

You never tried to be different, you never believed in vanity

You always gave so much of yourself, even

When times were hard and there was no one around for you

You always had a hankie ready to wipe away all my tears

And when I needed things and money was scarce

You’d sacrifice yourself for me and even

Walked around with cardboard in your shoe!

And now I am grown and time has passed into years

I need to tell you how thankful I am for all you have done

And how I grateful I am for having you as my mum

I may not have shown it with gifts or kisses

I’ve expressed it in ways that are invisible

To the naked eye and are only meant for you

So for everything we’ve been through

I just want you to know how much I really do love you.

May contain Rants

The visit

dragon 2Today it’s me who has the nervous twitch

My mood has taken a turn for the worse

You try and make me smile by dancing round the bedroom floor

But I can’t shift this feeling inside

It’s the thought of the visit from your mother

It’s knowing right now she is driving over on the M56

To darken this beautiful day with overcast clouds of doom

We both know the scenario of the day ahead

She’ll be overbearing like she usually is

She’ll have that distained look upon her face that wishes me dead

She has ways of telling me I’m too old for you, that

I don’t have the prospects that she wants for you

I know she thinks I’ll never be good enough for you

I’ve tried to learn to love her, after all she part created you

But she doesn’t really want to know

We tolerate each other for the sake of you

We both know she hates your choices in life

That you turned you’re back on your rich life style

That she has difficulty in accepting your sexuality

She’ll hate the fact she can’t break us, no matter how hard she tries

But what she forgets is together we’re strong

That the love we share is an unconditional bond

She makes comments whether there needed or not

She’ll come with a hidden agenda

But I’m hoping she won’t try and upset you like she usually does

So I wish for the hours to quickly roll on by

So we can say “Don’t come back soon and goodbye.”

Then when it’s dark and she has gone promise me

We can be both dance round the bedroom floor

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

3 hours sleep and the ramblings of a 47 year old woman !

impromptu posting . Not had much sleep, about 3 hours. These days I don’t function well without at least 8 hours .

I couldn’t sleep because today my mum has her biopsies done regarding the skin cancer. I knew my mum, wouldn’t sleep and I knew the girlfriend couldn’t sleep and she needed  to because she got work today, so I went to sleep in the spare room. So now I have migraine coming on because A) lack of sleep and B) Worry..

Another reason, the main reason( because I have every faith my mum will be ok )  why I couldn’t sleep is that I was thinking  of the girlfriend who is evidently prominent in my work on here. We had a small break at the beginning of the year, because the 6 months prior had been in a nutshell STRESSED , because of illness , her’s illness ,her mother recovering from illness and my mother’s illness . It seems we’re so busy tending to the sick that we forget to look after ourselves. Also due to previous serious 2 relationships and 2 which were semi serious , incidentally they all turned out to be head fucks, I am wary of lesbians ,.

J is the first  woman I have met in a long time who is lets say is normal . She is an affectionate, nice, caring, smart  and funny woman all the attributes I look for in a women , but added bonus she’s beautiful, ultra fem i(f your in UK she looks a lot like Lydia Bright) , background wise we have so little in common that you  think how, what , when did end up together .Her family very affluent (which she doesn’t care about),they have houses all over UK  and in South of France , she was privately educated and I’m old enough to be her mother.  Yet we ended up together .I’m still figuring that one out. BUT WE CLICKED STRAIGHT AWAY and I don’t think anyone has opened me up more , helped me deal with demons from my past more than her  and I know no one has ever made me as happy as she does,  but……….

We’ve been back 4 weeks and things are really good , as I said she is my soul mate but because my mum received the cancer news 2 weeks ago J moved back in and things have been full on since. But really if we continued at this speed we will be apart again before you know. So how can I say thanks for sorting us out but can you move back into your apartment and I see you at the weekends and maybe a couple of times in the week  because things are moving TOO QUICK  without sounding callous. Because I know one day we (More importantly I) will do this once too often and there with be no going back .

Anyway whatever happens doesn’t change our feelings for each other , but at 47 WHY CAN’T I GET MY ACT TOGETHER.I really need to take the advice off that old couple we met the other day and just be bloody happy!!

My mum never interferes in my relationships, especially not J because she adores her but she does refer to us as the lesbian version of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, cant live with each other but  cant be apart. not quiet knowing which one of us is Richard ( probably me), and can we sort things out once and for all because she’d really like to buy a hat!!

anyway get today over with  and be there for mum and tonight /tomorrow chat with J.

No wonder I suffer from migraine’s

Finn x

May contain Rants

Reassurance needed

Reassurance

 

She needs reassurance

She wants to know the answer to

Questions I don’t know

 Like “Will I lose my hair again?”

“What treatment do you think I will have?”

“Will I have to stay in hospital?

She needs reassurance

I give half hearted answers sometimes, I lie

And reply,

“You might do, but only a little maybe”

“ I’m not too sure “

“I don’t think so”

It makes me feel bad but how can I say nothing,

remain silent when …

She needs reassurance

She sad, she has been weeping most of the day,

She tells me she doesn’t have the fight in her any more,

is older and life is too difficult sometimes,

 I hold her so tight as if to take all of the burden from her.

I tell her my father is about, guiding, looking after her like always

She needs reassurance

I can tell the things that I do know though

That I will be by her side

 At every appointment,

During every treatment

When she needs to be nursed, I will be there

I will brighten up her darkest days

I will be there when she’s cured

I will be there when we  will beat  this disease

This she can  be assured 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

Twiddley thumbs up, everything with be ok

003An impromptu posting.

Two days ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It is not a bad cancer (if cancer could ever be described as good)!

But in the scheme of cancers that has she has previously fought, this is a better cancer to fight (we hope, we have to remain positive)

She just went to the doctors with a mole on her wrist. A tiny thing that started to grow; now the doctor has reassured her it was ok but they referred to the hospital for further tests.

But they found another one further up her arm and more serious one on the side of her head. To be honest I had forgotten about that one and I was shocked at how much it had grown and how angry it looked)  at the moment they don’t know what kind of growth /tumour this is and unfortunately its near where she has had it before. The one on the wrist and arm are contained which is good news

But they now have to do biopsy on what kind of skin carcinoma, (A horrible word) because I said they don’t know, but they have wait about 2 weeks before she can have this done ,as she needs a  blood count done first, but to do this she has to stop a certain medication, .So we have what seems to be along 2 weeks to wait before we get any further news.

Obviously my mum was upset, as I was.  I comforted and hugged her, gave her assuring words which she couldn’t take in. But now  I  have be seen as remaining  strong, if I show her weakness to her or if she thinks I have been told something different than her ( my mum is profoundly deaf so I have to interpret for her )  she will worry and oh boy can she worry.

There is an added sadness to this , because it is just over 12 months ago that my mum’s oncologist gave her a clean bill of health after 20 years and told her she no longer had to take the cancer meds. After I took her out for coffee, I really wanted to take her to lunch to chat about what had occurred but neither of us felt like eating.

My girlfriend J arrive home and she tried talking to her (she is a cancer nurse); she seemed to be getting through to her but then the what if questions, came. I know my mum with time she will get things sorted in her head, and come out fighting, she won’t let  it beat  her. So as my mum use to say to me when I was little and I was scared , twiddley thumbs up everything with be ok. She will get her head around the procedures, and the treatments. She knows the score. She has had to deal with it six times before, far worst cancers than this and she is still here.

But friends, family, people are offering to light candles, say prayers. Now this may be their way of dealing with it but I keep telling them politely please don’t, save for those who will think it will give them comfort. I get no solace, from god screwing up again. I would ask the question why my mother has been set tests all her life. She is a woman who doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. A woman who has never abused her body yet she is tested. Well if it’s for courage she passes, if it’s for strength of character she passes with distinction., but me and god fell out along time ago.

Anyway were off to Wales tomorrow spend the day with my girlfriends folks, take my mum to pay her respects to my dad ( his ashes are scattered not far.)  Hopefully go beach walking with J, clear my the head for the weeks to come. If I could get mum on the beach I’d take her beach walking too.