May contain Rants

Avoiding the dark abyss

abyssWith a kiss you awake me from my opiatic repose

You ask how I am feeling

I tell you I’m not quite sure

You rephrase your question “how does it feel” you ask

“What the depression?” I reply

(You nod)

I tell you I feel tainted

That my brain feels corrupted

By the messed up childhood I inherited

And as I am saying it I’m thinking you won’t get it

But the look on your face isn’t a fearful one

There’s compassion in your eyes

(you’re not about to run a mile from the mad one who lies next to you)

and so I add another guilt  to the thousand I already possess

for doubting you.

I tell you that I no longer mind the pain

because the pain makes me  feel I am still here

I tell you pain also speaks the truth

it shows the honesty in people

They don’t know what to say so they wish you Good luck

As if I am about to embark on some great joyous adventure

when really I am running from the dark abyss

It’s because some don’t know how to handle depression

They see it as a weakness, a failure

and you tell me I am not weak , that I am the strongest person you know

And that my mum thinks of me as some kind of super hero

I regretfully answer  I’m afraid my cape has been hung up

Then there’s a darkness to my voice

I am fearful Jo I say

Of the dark abyss

And of the suicidal thoughts waiting

I tell you I am now a ghost visible to a few

I feel as if I am beginning to walk between the shadows

Trying to avoid the dark abyss

Desperately searching for my way back home

I glance, I see you upset

The tears are welling in your eyes

You wrap your arms around me

I feel your love tighten round my frame

And hear your whisper in my ear “You are home, its right here”

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

This is why my blog is called what it is!!

It fair to say I have that I’ve not had the best of weekends, this weekend. This is due to many things; some things I can’t discuss, nothing wildly exciting, I’m just not able talk about them.

The things that have pissed me off this weekend that I can discuss are

1) I have been on a really tight schedule regarding a British Sign Language course that I’m doing and  I have an exam in about 4 weeks DON’T PANIC and a further one in about 8 weeks so things are a little full on at the mo. There never seems to be enough time to fit everything in with caring for my mum, counselling my mum at the mo as well as she’s waiting for the cancer results to come through. Trying to fit ’ ALONE’  time in with my girlfriend Jo oh and go to work! I suppose I could spend less time writing poems but in honesty they keep me SANE and SANE IS GOOD AT MO!!!

All week I had this looming panic about doing this piece of British Sign Language interpreting, which means writing it (most people think sign language is a direct interpretation of English it’s not .It has its own linguistics, it’s a complex language. It’s a beautiful  language . I’m doing the course because I want a change in career  from what I’m doing now , which something I can’t talk about ! I also believe everybody has the right to information and communication , this includes study and basic information like gay rights /support , so passing means I will just be one step from making my leap into interpreting and helping people get this information . I have been signing all my life as my mum is profoundly deaf) , then doing the piece to camera, editing and uploading and then sending to my teacher. Well parts 1 to 2 went smoothly. Parts 3 and 4 some issues, which were resolved, but part 5 well let’s just say the little beep, beep, beep is still uploading and has been since 10 o’clock this Morning!! It was supposed to be in by 2 this afternoon, well don’t think that’s going to happen. Anyway major rant, I find shouting at inanimate quiet therapeutic like LAP TOPS!!

Anyway Jo took herself off to the kitchen to bake. She knows me so well that she knows that the way to calm a ranting woman down is fill her with cupcakes!

Now full and calm. So calm that I text my teacher who replied “Oh bring it on usb stick or DVD tomorrow when you come to class. Jo pass me another cupcake. Anyway if there were any clips on YOU TUBE OF   British Sign Language SWEAR WORDS I would at this point upload them to show you the actions I did towards that text message.

2) The other thing that spoilt this weekend is that I became very low; my mood took a real nose dive. I can’t give an explanation because it’s part of the thing I can’t talk about ,  it just happens every so often a black cloud just resides over my head  for a little while, usually when I’m stressed out , which I have been .  I usually know what to do and that’s to remain quiet, have space, and usually sleep and it passes fairly quickly. But because of everything going it didn’t. Thankfully my mum and Jo know I can be a moody cow and leave me to it, but are there when it goes beyond a little downer.

Anyways please to say in the scheme of sorting out the uploading problems and eating far too many cupcakes I am back to my old self again (Jo probably thinking thank fuck for that!!)

Anyway going to catch up on some blogs, and work on some poetry.

May contain Rants

Bipolar day blues

bi

 I’ve been on a real downer today

I been locked in a space my head

With very little to say

I craved addiction again today

I’ve been crying so many tears of sorrow

That my eyes sting with pain

Please let me wake up sane tomorrow

I’ve been shaking too

Constant is the tap in my foot

And there’s a kick in the pit of belly that holds

a sickness that makes me wants to throw up

My legs feel heavy, but they wobble like jelly

There’s a song in my head

Bipolar day blues

An earworm

Constant

Constant

CONSTANT

Is its noise

I want to tell it to shut the Fuck up

I been on a real downer today

I been locked in a space my head

With very little to say

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

My Angel

spoon

It’s two in the morning

I wake gasping for air and YOU

But neither are there

My heart races, I can hear the

Marching thumps as they get

Louder and louder

and nearer and nearer

my brain is full of confusion

I want to text you but

know I can’t

you’re tending to the REAL sick and needy

then I see one missed called and that 

you’ve sent me a text about

10:45, I must have fallen asleep

it reads “I h8 night shifts, cu in morn sleep well babe luv u: x “

your words begin to calm me down  

because they represent   the ‘Whole’ you,

the woman I allowed myself to fall in love with

I get overwhelmed, begin to cry

if I was younger I’d blame my emotions

 on my  hormone’s playing tricks on me

but I know better…

its 2:30 in the morning

as I’m finding solace in my computer

my phone vibrates it’s you

with your ESP senses

“Hi babe, you ok, how long have you been awake?”

Your question leaves me dumbfounded

I reply “How did you know I was awake?”

“Babe I sleep next to  you at night,

I know when your

agitated ,troubled and scared

it’s always around 2ish

but you are never aware that

when you start shaking

I just wrap my arms around you

 and cuddle you in,”

I realise that I think I’m fine

but underneath   I’m still so damaged

it’s just YOU who takes everything away

during the night

god how did I come to EVER deserve you when

all I do is  selfishly

TRY and push you a way

My

Beautiful

Beautiful

Angel in the night

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland. All rights reserved

May contain Rants

No Vacancy

vacc

Missing one funny bone

have you seen it?

It’s been missing most of the afternoon

I think someone stole it whilst I was taking a nap

They replaced with the melancholy,

I know melancholy well

It’s vacated here before

I swore I had the no vacancy sign showing

but now it has unpacked its bags

there no sign to say

how long its likely to  stay

lets hope it gone before you know it!

Missing one funny bone 

Have you seen it?

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

One of those days

closed mid

My minds been wandering to day

To places I want to escape to, but don’t

My body feels numb today

It needed to inhale nicotine

and make smoke rings

sometimes I feel safe and I like that

The familiarity, the safeness of you

but is it enough?

but sometimes I just want to

run, and run, and run

to a space where there is no similarity

to anything I hold dear

because being alone is preferable to

losing you

losing your love,

losing your touch

my minds been full of fear today

and I really, really don’t like it

Today I really needed the warmth of your touch

For you to hold me, rock me and tell me with a reassuring softness

Its ok babe, you’re just having

One of those days

One of those days

One

Of

Those

Days.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved