I was reading my past posts on my blog yesterday. A majority (about 90%) of the poems I share are biographical. It was interesting to look back on the past year just by reading the poems and the postings .It’s a bit like reading a journal you kept when you were a teenage, smiling and thinking back on the past . I recently stumbled across an old journal dated 1982 , in which I wrote “ I think I’m in love with Sara Clark!” . But as a rule I don’t really like looking back into my past too much or at least I didn’t until I met Jo my fiancee (still can’t get my head around using that word to describe her even though it’s been 8 months since I proposed to her and more importantly she said yes!) .
I’ve realised through the postings and poems I’ve shared, it’s reminded me of how so much has happened in the last year of this blog and in real life.
I written about breaks ups (J and had two brief separations early last year) wrote poems and impromptu blogs about how my mum dealt with the stress and the worry and of the extremely long wait to find out if her cancer had come back or not. Thankfully she was given all clear in October. I’ve shared my thoughts in verse of how Jo’s heart condition deteriorated and how she had to be fitted with a pacemaker, which at 26 was young. I’ve documented my experiences of living with bipolar and described the relapses have I have suffered. I’ve shared my thoughts of my dad who passed 9 years ago and wrote poems about the sadness of my uncle’s passing (he was like a second father to me) . Oh and those poems which I have written for Jo.
I have learnt a lot about myself too. That it’s OK to let go, to expose the dark thoughts that invade my mind caused by my depression sometimes, whether it be in the form of poetry or even in just sharing my thoughts with Jo. But most of all It’s been a year of discovery, of knowing that I don’t have to carry this burden of stuff I’ve carried alone for so long, that far from me having fears of holding Jo back, I realise she is the one person who holds me up, and helps me carry the weight in fact just unburdens me of stuff that quite frankly doesn’t matter anymore and for that no amount of words can describe how much love I have for her. That’s why I proposed to her a week after her surgery on 19 July at Angel Bay, because I needed to show her how much I loved her and for once not just write about it . So we will have been together six years this July, happier than ever, albeit I have a closet full of her Jimmy Choo shoes crammed into my closets. That’s why I keep my shoes in the boot of my car! It is worth the sacrifice !
So would I say my blog year has been good? One word Yes! I lost the need to write for a while , but this past year I’ve realised that writing is therapeutic, it focuses the mind, cleanses it, makes you feel joyous (well it does me anyway! ) Then there is the added bonus of meeting other wonderful people on here too (although I have met one or two narcissist on my journey who appear to be far more interested in the number of followers they have, how many like they get,and so pre-occupied with stats, than they are in writing or blogging, which saddens me because I am not like that, I write for me, the fact that anybody else reads my blog in all honesty astounds me, likes posts I upload, leave lovely comments and follow my blog is truly humbling. So a huge THANK YOU from me for taking time to read my blog, never mind pressing the like button and commenting, and following, honestly I am for once lost for words. Anyway off for a few days away by the sea, as its my birthday tomorrow, so taking the laptop with me so I can catch up on some blogs I have been meaning to read for a while, especially now as I also have new glasses which have dyslexic lenses, as I dont know if some you realise I am dyslexic . So the glasses are a Godsend as sometimes other people’s work is sometimes hard to read. I’m OK with writing as I use a dyslexic word font . Anyway your comments are always appreciated.
One final thought: I wonder what ever happened to Sara Clark?
Well I said I would do a ‘Post Christmas’ Blog on how my attempts at embracing Christmas went this year,
After my blog at the beginning of December my girlfriend and I decided to write a list of things that would help me ‘Embrace’ the Yuletide season ,one because I needed a plan (I function better if I have a list….. I’m anal that way… This will definitely discussed further in a future blog) and two I REALLY wanted to make good/new memories for not just me but for my mum and my girlfriend.
Anyways step One …… Going for the tree , now as a lover of nature and all things outside as is my mum and my girlfriend we decided on a live tree , that’s to say one that was not cut at the base but one that could be replanted once Christmas was out-of-the-way.
So came the morning of said Christmas Tree shopping, which didn’t go without a hitch, I’d been the loft to retrieve the boxes of Decorations and, I had a massive panic attack which kicked in my asthma, because in retrieving the decorations I had flashbacks of Christmas 1973!. It took me a while to get over , but non the less once I calmed down off we went.
When we arrived there were an array of various trees of all shapes and size’s but most were cut at the base , which I found quite sad. Anyways in a small section of the Garden centre were the live trees and there was particular tree slightly bent, not as athletically pleasing to the eye because it wasn’t perfect and which had been placed in a corner almost out of sight. My girlfriend turned to me and said “That’s the one isn’t it?” , ” Yes” I replied.” anyway with tree bought off we drove home ready to decorate the tree.
Now I ask the girlfriend if I could decorate the tree alone, as this would be a real test for me because if there is one single thing that brings back the awful memories of Christmases gone by is the Christmas tree and Christmas decorations because it evokes a memory of a particular Christmas my dad needed drink, he hadn’t a drink for a couple of days and usually something would stir in him and he get a look in his eyes and he would flip because he had no money to buy any more alcohol and because non was ever kept in the house and he was desperate for a drink he took his frustration out on my mum because as usual she refused to pay for his addiction, that was when I usually had to intervene and literally part them or as on this occasion shield my mum from him and at 7 that was a scary thing to do, but it always stopped him, he usually then take his frustration out on anything in the house , throwing ornaments, damaging furniture and tearing photo’s up and on this particular occasion breaking every single tree bauble and destroying the tree whilst mum and I coward behind the sofa until he would leave the house and we would plan our escape and stay at my mum’s brother’s for the night whilst the demons left him and he put back together the house, the tree , the photo’s with his remorse! I particularly remember this more clearly than any other episode because the day before the destruction occurred my dad and I were playing , laughing and joking and putting the tree up together and he had shown so much love that day and with him destroying the tree it has always felt like a denouncement of his love, it was also the last time I ever decorated a tree with him or in fact enjoyed Christmas and at age 7 that in itself is very sad thing .So yes it was more poignant that I decorate the tree alone and try to remember that day my dad decorated the tree with me instead of him destroying it. I more importantly wanted to remember the love shared between my Dad and I that day. It emotionally drain me, I wept for about two hours afterwards but I had done it.
Step two…… Was a visit to the European Christmas markets held in the City centre. As my girlfriend said it would help me in knowing that not all images of Christmas have to be negative they can be positive. Although I’d been before without her but I had never really enjoyed the experience ,but this time I did manage to enjoy and soak up the atmosphere, it was also lovely spending a bit of time alone with her as things have been a bit manic of late as my mum hasn’t been that well and as I am my mum’s full-time carer we haven’t had any proper time alone together.
Step three …….. Presents, wrapping paper and sellotape. I decided to buy some small gifts for my mum and girlfriend, which I wrapped and hid until the big day.
It was at this point I started to become overwhelmed with the pressure of everything. One by the guilt of the blog I just written and two because of the memory that kept coming back every time I saw the Christmas tree.
Whilst all this was going on my mum had developed a serious infection, one that changed all our plans for Christmas. As we were going to spend Christmas day with my girlfriends parents and grandmother, obviously I couldn’t leave my mum and neither would my girlfriend leave us. I could see the same scenario of Christmas happening all over again. I was on complete edge and my girlfriend and I started to argue more and more until the point I used my mum’s infection to push her away , because I was so scared I was going to ruin Christmas for her and so I told her to go and spend Christmas with her parents. So she left , obviously I didn’t want her to go but what choice did I have. I had a sick mum to look after , I was on edge and could feel myself withdrawing I didn’t want that to be her memory or that of my mum’s for Christmas 2012. I cried all that day and when I wasn’t looking after my mum I spent it alone. During that evening ironically the Christmas tree fell over and that was it I cried like a baby. That evening my girlfriend returned and she wrote me a letter of all my faults cos she was mad at me and also in there was a letter which basically summed up my reason’s for hating Christmas , she is first one to actually realise what this fear/hate of Christmas was all about and that basically I associate Christmas with love , or more importantly the destruction of love. You see in all the time my dad was alive he never actually told me he loved me. I although he showed love , and I knew he loved me. I always doubted that the love was genuine, because of that one Christmas with that tree and how he had shown love one day but within the next day he destroyed it and that’s the thing that brings it back. As my girlfriend said all year you can convince yourself that he loved you but then Christmas comes and it brings all those doubts back again, one period in time ,not lasting no more than an hour has eaten away at me for forty years! As she said there was no doubt he loved me, if hadn’t of loved me he would have never accepted my sexuality which he did, with that there is no doubt. He wouldn’t have sung my praises as people she met have told her he did and how him and I were close and we were. As she said one moment in time, at time when my dad was ill should now be but to rest and so it has, as if it hadn’t I could not of explained that memory in detail, as I have done now.
We both put the tree back up and decorated it together and so the rest of Christmas went well, we all had a lovely time, my mum was feeling better , the table was set and lunch was delightful and we raised a glass to my dad, to our families, to happy memories and our love for each other , a perfect end to embracing perfect Christmas.
Next Blog a review of 2012 and my resolutions for 2013.