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Absence…

How long has it been now ?
Since the great silence descended
How long has it been now ?
Since the nights became lonely and darker
How long has it been now ?
Since this void replaced you
The truth is I can’t ask you
as your absence is all too clear
So I shall have to answer my own questions
Not long enough do you hear
Does that surprise you my dear
What did you expect my world to come crashing down without you here to hold it up
See this is the madness of love
It can turn completely on its head
I once loved you so much
I’d have given you that world that I speak of
But now I can barely utter your name sometimes without having such feelings of contempt
It saddens me to think of you that way
But my absence has left you with a void you have quickly filled
It has allowed you to fill the silence with someone else’s laughter and make your nights no longer lonely or darker
Now I am not bitter at knowing this
You know me better than that
I just hope she makes you happier than
I did
Just promise me one thing though
If things do get difficult don’t run and hide , face up to them , challenge them
Do not give up like you did on us
Do not allow someone else to feel your absence .

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Ink…

My thoughts flow from the ink of my pen
Only for their pain they write  to be stemmed by the paper they are written on
I so want to write of love and happier times
and of  memories of  when my fingertips once explored all of you
But the ink that flows 
now only  stains  my fingertips with its ink so black
Its colour has invaded my heart, my soul
As I know there cannot be  anymore happy memories to write about
I have to instead write of closure  and leave behind heartfelt sentiments and  feelings I still  wish to  express
And so the words I now write are full of sadness and are numb
For knowing that no more words  will express my love for you and the memories we once shared when my fingertips once explored all of you
Copyright June Bolland 2015

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Memories for a Birthday

dad birthday

MY 200th poem on wordpress, how fitting it should be written for my Father on what would have been his 81st birthday

There hasn’t been one day since you past

That I don’t think of you

Sometimes the thoughts are tinged with pain

But not today Dad

Today I think of good times

Happier times

Of the silly days we shared

Of times when I was small

When you sit me on your knee

And you’d read to me, sing to me

How I so miss your voice today

These are the days I want to remember today Dad

There are things we try to cling to

Of stories shared

Some memories can only be seen through photographs

But the most precious memories cannot be seen or heard

They are in every heartbeat that we feel

So today Dad

Happy Birthday

Wherever your spirit soars

With love from me your little girl

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Spirit soar free…

My beautiful picture

“Our Father

That art in heaven

Hallowed be thy name”

When I was at school

Every morning without fail

We stood in assembly

We recited this prayer

I knew it was a prayer to G_d

So why call him Father?

My father was very much alive

But now my father has passed

I still don’t relate to this prayer

Because I know my father

Could not be in heaven

Not that he was evil

or damn to Hell

He was good man in many ways

He had a free spirit

So somehow I know that the

Pearly gates wouldn’t confine him

His spirit soars free with the wind

And dives in the oceans

Sometimes he’s closer to home

To visit places

and

people he loved so much

He no longer needs to knock

We know he is there

We see his orb dart into sight

Sometimes it the tiniest of dots

That disappears with blink of an eye

But knowing he’s there

Showing us he still cares

There are times he doesn’t visit for weeks

I don’t get disheartened

Sometimes its enough to know

That he’s not confided

Behind the Pearly Gates

So wherever you are today Dad

May your spirit always be free

Let it soar on wind

And bring you home

To visit me

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Tonight I write about my father.

Now normally at this of the day I’ve either written, or am about to write or have the formation of a poem in my head but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about my father. Those of you have followed this blog since it started in December will be aware that in the early part of my life , well will know that my father and I,  we didn’t have the best of relationships due to his alcoholism. It was only until I was 22 that he finally admitted he had a problem and got help for his illness, (because it is an illness) did we have a really close relationship, although despite his illness, from being a small child I had always worshiped (the sober him ). But today I just really really miss him.

He passed away 9 years ago to a rare illness called Guillain–Barré syndrome (GBS) that effects only about one person in 100,000 every year. It is an awful illness , he developed shortly after having cancer surgery, on the day he was due to be discharged from hospital  ,we sat and watch  a physically strong man even though he had suffered cancer succumb to this disease, paralysed him from the neck down .He deteriorated  over a period of eight weeks until his body could take no more as he developed secondary cancer and I had to make that decision no ever should have to take and that was turn his life support system off, we held his hand and watched him pass to I believe a better place.

During those eight weeks we use to sit with him for hours, held his hands and I would hum The Beatles songs to him (his favorite was Blackbird) or we’d read to him, or we put the CD player on and let him listen to the Goon shows and Spike Milligan ( he was a huge fan). It calmed him down because he used to get distressed being on a ventilator, during those eight weeks we became incredible close.

His loss has never left us nor will it ever,  as I am sure anyone reading this who have lost a love one will understand. We talk about him all the time because it keeps him here. The only regret is he never met Jo my partner, he would of adored her and she him, I think they would of got on really well and at least they would have been able to have shared a conversation in their mother tongue – Welsh.

It’s strange how the overwhelming loss of someone hits you at certain times, but saying that not one day goes by that I don’t think of him , it’s just sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming. What’s even stranger is that they make their presence felt at the most strangest times too. Whenever I wish my dad was here you can guarantee I will find a penny in the most strangest places, same when I need guidance from him , low and behold I get up and find a penny . This goes for my mum too she’s found pennies in the strangest places too .It like they are a message from him saying don’t worry I am still around looking over you Today my mum found a penny in her bathroom, just at time she needed it. . I like getting pennies from heaven they give me comfort, never stop sending them dad. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that poem about the pennies he has sent, in the mean time we will just keep putting them in the jar.

pennies

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Nine years ago

funeral 

Nine years ago

Has gone in an instance

Nine years ago

You left us

Nine years ago

My life was turned upside down,

I had to step up to the plate

Nine years ago

and we still miss your laughter

Nine years ago

how was it possible for you to succumb to this terrible illness?

a man of your stature

Nine years ago

over two hundred people flocked to show their respect

and to say their goodbyes to you

But tomorrow only three will remember you

out of those two hundred people that showed their faces that day,

The one’s still here, the ones that are left

Will they even remember its nine years ago

and we are still very much bereft

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

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The Robin

The bird is an animal almost universally exalted and accepted as symbolically being associated with the soul, as a messenger of the gods, carriers of souls, and an oracle or seen to possess the spirit of loved ones whilst also being a symbol of good or evil. ….. Carl G. Jung, the psychiatrist, said that birds represented the inner spirit of a person and that birds were seen to be associated with angels, flight’s of fancy and the supernatural.

the robin

I see you perched there Mr Robin

Silently watching

Observing my every move

Without fail, you are always here, present

I see your bend , still watching

As I kneel to tend to the flowers that surround

My father resting place

You attentively listen as I converse with my father

As if he is was stood /sat listening to me as you do

I’d tell him of how I miss him, how I love him,

How my life’s been ,that for once I am happy,

That I have found love

I’d tell him  all about Jo and how I wished he’d met her,

I’d tell how I miss his laughter, G_d do I miss his laughter

I see your head lean in sympathy at my loss

I swear if your wings were arms you would wrap them around

My grief strickenframe and comfort me

As the tears rolled down my cheeks

I as I leave,  I take one last look back

stop

 I whisper in my head “See soon Dad, I love you” 

 If I could understand your song

I hope  you  sing a song

of reassurance

to  promise  

to

keep him safe ,

look over him,

keep him company

until I return again…

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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At the back of your mind

mindI am the memory at the back of your mind

that comes to you when you sleep

I am the memory at the back of your mind

when your heart misses me and you weep

I am the memory at the back of your mind

that makes you smile when your senses

recall happier times

I am the memory at the back of your mind

that tells you, you are not alone

that  I will still keep you safe

I am the memory at the back of your mind

that remind’s you , that although I’m not there

I will always still love you.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

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My Wall's

grafo floresMy walls were covered in graffiti

I whitewash over them too many times

I tried to hide the stains hidden underneath

Words of hate

Words of sorrow

Words of a broken heart

They are the work of my demons

They are my collage of my life

But the sun and the rain

Wore away at the cover I hid them under

Until my mural of memories were clear to see

I was defeated and broken

I stopped the charade of trying to blank them out

I tried to live with these scenes so dark, so bleak

Until I retreated into a dark corner away from the view of my demons work

Then you arrived with paints of pastel shades

To erase these memories, with paintings of flowers

and vivid images of beauty

The words became replaced with

Love,

Hope,

and faith

All the things I now have with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

My Wall’s

grafo floresMy walls were covered in graffiti

I whitewash over them too many times

I tried to hide the stains hidden underneath

Words of hate

Words of sorrow

Words of a broken heart

They are the work of my demons

They are my collage of my life

But the sun and the rain

Wore away at the cover I hid them under

Until my mural of memories were clear to see

I was defeated and broken

I stopped the charade of trying to blank them out

I tried to live with these scenes so dark, so bleak

Until I retreated into a dark corner away from the view of my demons work

Then you arrived with paints of pastel shades

To erase these memories, with paintings of flowers

and vivid images of beauty

The words became replaced with

Love,

Hope,

and faith

All the things I now have with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Black Friday

 

dad

 

A thousand tears I have shed

since that fateful day I sat besides you on

what became your deathbed

A million memories whirl within my head

since that day the nurse told me were dead

A hundred regrets I  have of things I should have said

I should have told you how much I loved you and more

since that day I have tried desperately to block out and ignore

An emptiness that lingers deep within my soul now exists

A sadness that invades my thoughts now persists

I shall remember a billion recollections of those times I treasure of you

in the hope they get me through

now that you have passed no longer to to return

People say time is a great healer but normality has now fled

it has been stolen

sorrow and silence is all that is left

So how can I resume to carry on

now that you have left me alone and bereft

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved.

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Wearing Black

Just because I don’t wear blackblack

doesn’t mean I do not mourn

Just because tears do not fall from eyes

doesn’t mean I haven’t cried a thousand times inside

Just because I don’t mention his name everyday

doesn’t mean I forgotten his memory it is present with me everyday

Missing him is a pain I have to endure

there is no cure

This is my normality now

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

Emotional overload

Push me too farbreak-up-1

I may fall of the edge

Pay me too little attention

I will cry out for help

Emotional overload boils within the darkest

deepest place in me

No control of how to be

For dark shadows are surrounding me

Emotional overload  drains me of my being

Strips me of all normality and identity

Emotional overload is slowly killing me

© Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.