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Rainbows in our windows …

Happy new year we cheered
Fresh starts
New beginnings
New love
New life
for some
Then things changed
Things started to get weird, strange times were just around the corner
And all those hopes and dreams were temporarily put on hold
For something that was beyond our control
Mass panic buying in shops
Disreguard  for those not as fortunate as ourselves
As they looked disbondently at
All the empty shelves
Human contact was restrictly forbidden
And we were forced to stay apart  from those we love
We socially distanced two metres apart
Latex gloves ,hand gel ,face masks became the norm
We found time to reflect on all the things that really mattered
We cleaned
We baked
We pottered in the garden
We zoomed
Skirting boards gleamed as we sat in the  garden
Face timing friends as we ate banana bread
We washed our hands to the
tune of happy birthday
We clapped on Thursday for
all those who kept us safe and kept us going
and we morned those who passed
as the numbers kept on rising
Acts of kindness
Each gesture was never too small and under appreciated
And soon we pray that isolation will be over
And whenever that time maybe
Because with everything
There is always a start , a middle and an end
This is not forever
So for those of us who have been apart
When this is done never let go of those who hold a special place in your heart
Mehefin Bolland  2020

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I get to see the sunrise…

Now as to every coin there are two sides, as this is the case with my character, the fundamental things that make me tick and ultimately what makes me want to write and make me value things I believe in. I feel I should introduce  newer followers to my mum aka (DB). How can I put it , she is singularly THE most important person in my life, thankfully my girlfriend gets this and  understands this and does not feel threatened by it.

My mum has single-handedly taught me more about life and how to conduct myself through it than any other person alive or dead. But that’s to be attributed to the way she has conducted herself through her life .I feel it only right that I start at the beginning to explain what I mean when I say that. Now as a child at about 6 years old she became very ill and she developed T.B meningitis, she lost her mother at the age of 9 and also her eldest sister who was just 22 when she died , both her mother and sister also had T.B. My mum had an experimental operation which saved her life , but it was at the cost of her hearing (they destroyed her eardrums ) . Now my mum was lucky enough to have a father who had a no-nonsense kind of attitude to life , who had not only just lost his wife, his eldest child and was also witness to his youngest daughter (my mum) fighting for her life. He also kept his remaining three children together, held down a full-time job,and didn’t have the privilege of care leave or child care as is the case today, in the late forties early 1950’s these things did not simply exist. Anyway after my mum spent two yeas in hospital , as a no-nonsense kind of man he work his fingers to the bone to pay for my mum to go to a specialist boarding school as he had the hindsight to know she needed a head start because there were no special provisions for disabled people back then , there were no day schools for deaf children then . As result my grandfather’s intervention she ended up working in a hearing environment as a secretary.Remarkable for its time , never once has my mum ever let her disability stand in way, but unfortunately society and it’s environment have! She overcomes obstacles the world tries to challenge her with instead of grumbling why they’ve put them there in the first place.  She is a true survivor in every sense of the word and as a result values her life more preciously than any other person I know and as out of respect I try to live my life in the same way. (Sometimes it is more difficult , than you think, but somehow her strength always gets me through!- It definately did this year , this year we helped each other out. )

My mum went back into work working in a film archives as a cutter/editor when I was 8, I became a latch key kid !

When my mother was 45 the after effects of the experimental operation she had as child came back to haunt her and she began find it difficult to walk. she had a spinal operation which found adhesion’s from the medication used were slowly killing her nervous system and again down to the wonders of medicine my mum survived but at a further loss of her ability to walk,  and is  subsequently as this was happening, she also battled breast cancer twice and ovarian cancer and  skin cancer yet she is still with us.With not word of complaint. Nor has there ever been any moments she has felt sorry for herself.

They say that you only get one mother and mine is special. I became her carer 25 years ago when she was no longer able to walk, stand ,shower/  dress herself . As a family we agreed we did not want to rely on strangers and so far we haven’t (apart from when she has been in hospital).  I work part time to look after DB , this means that week days mornings  are regimented up at 4 , so I can get her ready , then its off to sort myself  out . It breaks my heart to have to get her up so early , but she always says at Ieast I am lucky I get to see the sun rise.

I have one aim in life and that is to ensure that DB has the best quality of life, that she’s happy , for however long that maybe.

It’s important you also know I do not write these blogs to gain sympathy or anything egotistical, I purely write , one for myself because I enjoy writing as it calms my mind (because I have inherited the depressive gene off my dad!) and two I need to have a rant every so often because let’s be frank most people in this world are feckin annoying and stupid and are so feckin preoccupied with whats wrong with their life that they forget was right with it. Although I find it’s best deal with such people head on sometimes it’s not always the time nor the place and sometimes nothing can beat a good old rant!!

So that’s it , my mum summarized in a blog, and will explain what I write and the reason I write about certain things in future blogs. Nothing to more to declare, except the most important word to me is FAMILY and although mine haven’t always had an easy ride of it , we have stuck it out , and dealt with things head on and just got on with our lives as most of us do, but I suppose it’s all down to the genes and I’m lucky with mine

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Happy…

Timelines are irrelevant to me

The past is exactly where it should be

With its contents that are no longer important to me

The future is exactly where it should be

With its contents I cannot yet see

This here and now is the only thing that

Interests me

Because I share it with you

And all its simple pleasures

In summer sitting under shady oak trees

Beaching walking and running from the swirl of the sea

Sitting at cafes, chatting, people watching, drinking copious

Amounts of tea

So why waste time on the past, the future

When what we have now is free

And that is to be happy

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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A four letter word…

I try to write but the words that have been locked inside my head

Desperate to be freed, to be expressed

But the sentences have disappeared

This what a four letter word like meds do to you

My days seem to bleed from one day into the next

As I try to write these words

And as ink connects its self to the page when I think of your name

it weeps through

This is what a four letter word like love do to you

My nights are filled with dread

Every noise, creak,  groan

Makes me think there’s monster under my bed

When really it all irrational made up stuff in my head

This is what a four letter word like fear do to you

Copyright June Bolland 2014

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Blue skies on the horizon…

A very short  synopsis of what’s been going on the  last few months.

It  would be fair to say that I have had a few difficult months recently. I had a major Bipolar episode at  the end of February which plummeted  me into a pit of absolute darkness  , I tried to struggle on but by March I knew I couldn’t function .Whilst this was going on my relationship with my fiancee was falling apart all due to the  intensity and problems surrounding  my  Bipolar. My ex  became tired of trying to get me to listen to reason, in trying to persuade me that I needed to get  help. No matter how well she coped with my rapid cycling and my sometimes rejection of her   and the verbal abuse  aimed at her too, she coped. What she couldn’t cope with was the issue of my denial and bad management regarding  this illness.

My partner was always really good at reading when  moods were about to change , where as  I was more inclined to ignore them. In December she told me  that she could tell I was heading for a breakdown and that I should seek help, I told her I was fine and choose to ignore her. BIG MISTAKE!

So January arrived and the extreme rapid cycling started, and then February arrived and this is when things began to come apart at the seams . I’ll set the scene for you -I was in a Board meeting at work   facing 18 people and within minutes of the meeting I lost it. Luckily for me my manager and one  my friends were there. As soon as I left the room I crashed to the floor and was lying in the fetal position , sobbing. This was the start.

Towards the end of  March with the commencement of  the breakdown still fairly fresh  my partner and I had huge row all  because I was still refusing to seek  help.  It was at this point she left me but only after I told her to leave. Never expecting her to actually go , I must admit I was not impressed , but now with clarity of mind I understand  why she did go  as now I know I left her with no other option, if I could have walked out on me I would have done. Anyway my partners absence was the wake up call I needed to go seek  help. I saw a psychiatrist , who prescribed me  new  alternative medications to the ones I was taking. So March rolled into July and then things became a whole lot darker.

Now I’ve  had frequent episodes  but none  have been  as terrifying  than this episode, purely because the new medications began to kick in. As a result drowsed I became submerged deeper in the darkness of my own thoughts, it was  then I began hearing  voices, I knew it wasn’t my inner voice or voices I recognised, these voices  were menacing and terrifying as were the hallucinations I was also beginning to have. It initially started with a voice calling out my name , I turn but they’d be no one there , this would repeat itself , each time the voice would appear to come from a different direction. As time went by the voice turn into voices , at first they seemed to laugh and mock , then they became menacing , just writing about it gives me a chill. It was at this time the hallucinations began . I remember the first time it happen , it was the early hours of the morning , I thought I could hear foot steps on the landing , and then  I saw two images watching me  terrified I called my ex partner in the hopes she’d pick up the phone I didn’t know who else to call. Thankfully she answered her phone and within 15 minutes she arrived to calm me down.

My ex stepped in and decided to take some  time off work to look after me , and my mum. The doctors agreed to let my ex look after me as she is a nurse.So since July , she been my rock. When needed she’s driven to my house in middle of the night and stayed awake with me as I have been terrified to be alone and when the voices and hallucinations were at their most prevalent, she told me focus on the blue skies and the view of the horizon by the sea where we often went to visit, happy times. She made sure my mum was properly looked after and more importantly she’s helped me survive this episode, by making me realise that I have so much to live for.Even though we are no longer romantically involve  we are as close as we can be .But we both realise the relationship will never be rekindled but it doesn’t mean that  we”ll ever stop caring for each other.  I’m just so  glad we  have one of those relationships that  despite everything we can  still be part of each others lives, after all we will always be  best  friends. So here’s to looking towards  the future,  and the being thankful to appreciate  those Blue skies on the horizon and to those who remind you that they are there.

 

 

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Jimmy Choo’s in my closet

An impromptu posting.

I was reading my past posts on my blog yesterday. A majority (about 90%) of the poems I share are biographical. It was interesting to look back on the past year just by reading the poems and the postings .It’s a bit like reading a journal you kept when you were a teenage,  smiling and thinking back on the past . I  recently stumbled across an old journal dated 1982 , in which I wrote  “ I think I’m in love with Sara Clark!” . But as a rule I don’t really like looking back into my past too much or at least I didn’t until I met Jo my fiancee (still can’t get my head around using that word to describe her even though it’s been 8 months since I proposed to her and more importantly she said yes!) .

I’ve realised through the postings and poems I’ve shared, it’s reminded me of  how so  much  has happened in the last year of this blog and in real life.

I written about breaks ups (J and had two brief separations early last year) wrote poems and impromptu blogs about how my mum dealt with the stress and the worry and of the  extremely long wait to find out if her cancer had come back or not. Thankfully she was given all clear in October. I’ve shared my thoughts in verse of how Jo’s heart condition deteriorated and how she had to be fitted with a pacemaker, which at 26 was young. I’ve documented my experiences of living with bipolar and described the relapses have I have suffered. I’ve shared my thoughts of my dad who passed 9 years ago and wrote poems about the sadness of my uncle’s passing (he was like a second father to me) . Oh and those poems which I have written for Jo.

I have learnt a lot about myself too. That it’s OK to let go, to expose the dark thoughts that invade my mind caused by my depression sometimes, whether it be in the form of poetry or even in just sharing my thoughts with Jo. But most of all It’s been a year of discovery, of knowing that I don’t have to carry this burden of stuff I’ve carried alone for so long, that far from me having fears of holding Jo back, I realise she is the one person who holds me up, and helps me carry the weight in fact just unburdens me of stuff that quite frankly doesn’t matter anymore and for that no amount of words can describe how much love I have for her. That’s why I proposed to her a week after her surgery on 19 July at Angel Bay, because I needed to show her how much I loved her and for once not just write about it . So we will have been together six years this July, happier than ever, albeit I have a closet full of her Jimmy Choo shoes crammed into my closets. That’s why I keep my shoes in the boot of my car! It  is worth the sacrifice !

So would I say my blog year has been good?  One word Yes! I lost the need to write for a while , but this past year I’ve realised that writing is therapeutic, it focuses the mind, cleanses it, makes you feel joyous (well it does me anyway! ) Then there is the added  bonus of meeting other wonderful people on here too (although I have met one or two narcissist on my journey who appear to be far more interested in the number of followers they have, how many like they get,and so pre-occupied with stats, than they are in writing or blogging, which saddens me because I am not like that, I write for me, the fact that anybody else reads my blog in all honesty astounds me, likes posts I upload, leave lovely comments and follow my blog is truly humbling. So a huge THANK YOU from me for taking time to read my blog, never mind pressing  the like button and commenting, and following, honestly I am for once lost for words.  Anyway off for a few days away by the sea, as its my birthday tomorrow, so taking the laptop with me so I can catch up on some blogs I have been meaning to read for a while, especially now as I also  have new glasses which have  dyslexic lenses, as  I dont know if some you realise I am dyslexic . So the glasses are a Godsend as sometimes other people’s work is sometimes hard to read. I’m OK with writing as I use a dyslexic word font . Anyway your comments are always appreciated.

One final thought: I wonder what ever happened to Sara Clark?

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Celebration …

new day

Shall we cast the day into the sky

And let a cloudburst of confetti rain upon us

Let us dance amongst the coloured paper puddles

In celebration

Of a brand new day

Of being alive

Of being in love

Shall we scattered the day across floor

On a cold winter’s morning

And watch the precious stones glisten as they freeze

Let us skate upon a diamond sheet

In celebration

Of a brand new day

Of being alive

Of being in love

Shall we pour the day into the ocean

And watch the sea turn into wine

Let us get drunk on the ocean waves

In celebration

Of a brand new day

Of being alive

Of being in love

Or shall we allow the day to wake by itself

And watch the sun rise in the east

Let us listen to the birds chorus

In celebration

Of a brand new day

Of being alive

Of being in love

Like every other day

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Love you too much…

LOVE YOU TOO MUCH

Sometimes

I think I love you too much

I have tempered eyes of green

that stir emotions in me

That laid repressed

Darker emotions

That creep to the surface

Of an anger that was nurtured inside

And witnessed through my childish eyes

Of people who loved each other a little too much

And those scars I wear on my back

The ones you so often affectionately kiss

Those are the scars she gave me

That first time she told me

She loved me a little too much

But sometimes

I feel I’m morphing into her

This scares me

Sometimes

I want to shake you

Tear off your head

For being too nice

For being too bloody understanding

For being too naive in certain situations

And

For loving me back a little too much

But in your heart you know

I’d never touch you the way

She did with me

I would never allow myself to get inside your head

Like they did to me

Because I really do love you too much

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

images c/o brightly wound
images c/o brightly wound

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Between the light and the shadow…

GOLDEN

Deep into the forest of despair

I once travelled

Down  the  many paths of loneliness

I walked

Weighed down by the heaviness

Of my shattered heart

I struggled

Longing for a chance to lay

My broken spirit

                                   Then by chance

I came across a valley

And

In the distance

I  saw a  golden sky

Its  warmth

guided me

To a river so clear

 Then I  saw you

Stood there by the river bank

Arms stretched out

You called me over

You held my broken body

To your breast

You fixed my broken heart

You washed away the ingrained pain

You quenched my thirst with your kisses

You fed me a diet of love

And when  my strength was returned

You helped me to my feet

You  made a promise to me then

To keep me from returning

Back to the forest of despair

To be caught

Between the light and the shadow

Five years you’ve kept your promise

No longer do I walk alone

But side by side with you

We  now continued to walk

Towards the warmth of the  golden sky

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Snap, Write, Blog…

As I said in my previous post, New Year , a time for reflection , taking stock and re-valuating things. So over the last week I have been taking stock, reflecting and jotting down things , projects I want /need to do . I think it’s important for each of us to set goals , to push ourselves , whether mentally or physically and not make excuses in not having the time to do things that make us happy. Even if you only have 15 minutes   a day, you can begin the process .

Anyway on personal  note I KNOW I need a leave of absence from social media for a while; feeling too tangled up (on Facebook right now) than is healthy for me, so started off the process of weaning myself away from it, which has  begun with cleansing  some of my friends off Facebook . Not because they’re not nice people, its just that there was no mutual social interaction , so I really didn’t see the point of justifying having them as friends on Facebook !

Then there is my blog , when I originally started I had no idea of how it would develop. Whether it would be me posting the odd rant every so often. It ended up with me sharing poetry ( I have no idea how or why it happened) but I’m glad it did. It got the creative juices flowing. I’m very self critical of my ‘writing’ , I don’t have the self belief in thinking that my poems are remotely any good , never mind even just OK.

This year I want to set myself a challenge with the blog, I have some idea’s on how I want it to develop , whether it will be more poetry , or more journal based I’m  not sure yet .

But then I might  actually start sharing photograph’s . Its a passion I  had  over 30 years ago, and recently I’ve been wanting to explore it again.

When I was in my late teens I ate ,lived , breathed photography, I was lucky enough to have two exhibitions of my work shown in Manchester, which were really  successful . I wanted to pursue it as a career, so I study photography as an ‘A ‘level,  built my portfolio up and I got accepted to study Photography at Manchester Polytechnic when I was 21 ,but never accepted the place on the course ,as my mum became really ill and life’s priorities changed. It was then put the camera away and stopped taking photographs . But always  I still look at things from the view point that there an image , a photograph waiting to be captured  Its very much the same when it comes to words or observations , I see the format of a poem or a blog .

My partner has been aware that there has been this niggle for quite a few months now, but I suppose self doubt and the knowledge that there is unfortunately an element  of snobbery that exists when it comes to photography , I don’t know whether I have still what it takes. But as my partner says ” How do you know until you give it a go and try “. So for Christmas she bought me a new camera and told me ” You no longer have an excuse , go take some photographs, build your confidence back up!”  ( Nice to know she believes in me !)

So yes I have a list of projects  I want to do this year. A hundred ideas on blogs and poems I want to write. I have no idea when they will come to fruition . As they say time will tell.

May contain Rants

Is life really so bad?

I hadn’t realised it been just over 2 months since I posted my last blog.

To be honest haven’t wanted to write anything that requires me to think. I’ve been dealing with an old back injury and trying to manage my Fibromyalgia, which flared up and repaid me an unwelcome visit last July. So currently having intense physio and attending a pain management clinic , just so I can really stop relying on the pain meds and also get off the anti-depressants, because with having Fibro and dealing with chronic pain comes depression, it’s a vicious circle . But in my experience you mustn’t dwell on the negative. Positivity, having a sense of humour being able to laugh is the key to beating pain, harder said than done, cos trust me belly laughs hurt.

Anyway so here we are, Christmas is over, 2013 has gone, and so a brand new shiny Year awaits to be filled with new memories. But I felt the need to write something today, for two reasons really

One because it’s a New Year .I love New Year, it a time to take stock, reflect, and set yourself new challenges. However going back to work, and listening to conversations, I am amazed at how many people whinge, moan about a variety of things life throws at them. They moan about work, money, etc., etc. Don’t get me wrong I love a good rant, but it’s usual about the way people behave, how they conduct themselves, about how injustice exists because of their behaviour.

Yet not one rejoices on the fact they are alive, well , probably happy sharing their life with someone they love, with no real hardship because they have a roof over their head and a bed to sleep in , clean clothes on their back and a belly so full of food. A head that has the luxury to dream, create ,have choices to do, be anything, find a balance of putting up with the crap life throws at them and being content they have an outlet to express themselves, they have the luxury of time to write lists of future plans, a bucket list. But instead people, they wallow in self-pity, why can’t people just be happy they have their health, a future.

Secondly I write this because my partner who is a sister in a large cancer hospital , she works on the a teenage cancer ward, every day she and her staff tend , nurse patients who aren’t let’s face not going to get well . On Thursday she went back to work and one of her patients is a young man, he’s 15, he’s been ill and in hospital since November, he and his parents were told that he probably won’t make it to July. So she spent the majority of the day comforting him and his parents. This young adult who will never know that feeling of being in love, of having children, be able to moan about the 9 to 5 and the rat race, will never be able to write lists of things he wants to do.

Sort of puts life in perspective really doesn’t it?

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Shoes

two shoes

We are like two pairs of shoes

You and I

Those that  walk in unison

That have travelled down roads

Some would find it hard to endure

Down the same path

We walk in unison

Same pace, side by side

Heading for

Our dream

Our home

Our haven

We are shoes that dance when no one is around

We dance to the same song you and I

Slowly

Rhythmically

Always in time

So we never to step on each other’s feet!

But sometimes we avoid other people’s shoes

Not to avoid walking in them- no

But because other peoples shoes have a tendency

Of treading on your toes

And kicking you in the shins

And stomping on you when you’re down

But for some

We are shoes that will walk a thousand miles

To carry them home

Because we care enough

About the one’s we love

When times get hard

And they are heavy with burden and

Can no longer walk

We will carry them home

And at night when the moon has risen in the sky

Our shoes they sit side by side

Sharing the darkness of the night

Until it is  morning and again they walk in unison

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

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One of those days

daysIf today was a texture it would be course wool

The kind that makes you itch as it touches your skin

If today was a colour it would grey

The kind of colour of breeze blocks that they use to build prison walls

If today was an emotion it would sorrow

The kind of emotion you know you want to cry

But don’t cos you’re afraid you’ll never stop

If today was a sense it be summed up in a look

The kind of look that disengages you from looking towards the light

If today was a time it would be ten to two

Kind of a time you need  time to yourself

But know in reality that’s it’s not going happen until after five

It on days like these that you have to get through

For you never know tomorrow might be

 yellow in colour and have the texture of silk

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

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The waiting Room

waiting in hosp

People silently sitting

Some sit with hands fidgeting

And knees twitching

Nervous tension

Sat in neat orderly lines and rows

Waiting, clock watching

Tick tock tick tock

They sit with fear etched on their faces

There’s a sense of  premature sadness that fills the air

Waiting, clock watching

Tick tock, tick tock

Empathic smiles shared between strangers

In corridors and rooms with sterile coloured walls

With magazines on tables 3 months out of date

and discarded  styrofoam cups

Soft muzak plays to soothe the  patients as they wait to learn their fate

Waiting, clock watching

Tick tock, tick tock

For their name to be called

For their futures to be decided

Whether it is allowed to continue as it was before

But for those who are told the bad news (no one wants the bad news)

They leave the doctor’s office

With their world crashing down

Tumbling around their feet

Whilst those left sit patiently

Smile with empathic grins

All thinking the same thought

There but for the grace of God (go I)

But still they sit

Waiting, clock watching

Tick tock, tick tock

For their name to be called out

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

A simple poem for a beautiful life

Watching you wakebeing loved

Sharing long kisses

And sweet embraces

Hours of wonderful conversations

Comfortable silences

Smiling

Laughter

Enjoying everything from

Mundane chores

To strolls in the park

Beach walking

As we walk hand in hand

Surprise photo text messages whilst I’m at work

With the words “I love you”

Sitting at cafe’s

People watching

Just knowing what you’re thinking

Snuggled on the sofa watching TV in the evening

Dancing at 3 in the morning

Listening to you as you read out loud

Bath times

Bedtimes

Holding you so tight next to me in the middle of the night

Making love with you

Being present as you fall asleep

A simple life

A beautiful life

Is what we have

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

With eyes wide open

open-eyeToday is not going to be a good day

The heaviness of my head

And the pain in my joints as I wake

From my pill induced slumber tell me this

My eyes would not open on their own accord

This morning

Like rusted old shutters they would not budge

I had to prise them open them with what little

Strength I had left

Maybe I should blame it on the tears I’ve shed

For corroding them shut!

Or maybe they didn’t want to face the day

Maybe they knew it wasn’t going to be good!

And as I lie here with eyes now wide open

I look back on yesterday

Because it’s preferable to  concentrating on the pain

But yesterday

This is all but now a memory

But I can recall that memory

Because I know

Yesterday was GOOD!

There were glimpses of my old self

A slight respite from the insanity

But today my old self well she has abandoned me

So today I will take each hour as it comes

I will try not to dwell on the fact

That today is not going to be  good

I shall hold onto the dream

That my old self she might return

and hope that  I don’t have to prise

My eyes  wide open tomorrow !

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Reason's to be cheerful

reasons to be cheerful

Deep in thought I quietly sit

Whilst the pills I’ve just swallowed

Send chemicals to my brain

That no other therapies have been able to reach

And for that brief moment

I have clarity

A sense of rational thinking

A sense of normality

So I write not poetry but

A mantra

A list

To guide me

To focus on

And more importantly to hold onto

For when even darker days arrive

And they will arrive

I know because I’ve been here so many times before

I make a list of all the things that make me happy

Things I should be really cheerful about

A list of no particular relevance, of importance or order

I begin to write surprisingly without hesitation

Beach walking, Angel Bay, the smell of the ocean,

Wales (the land of my history), of being loved and being in love,

My beautiful Jo, my mum, my family, cups of tea in bed with my girl on a

Saturday morning, nights in, nights out, walks in the park

splashes in puddles in the Spring ,

basking in the sun on long summer days

Dancing through the leaves on cold Autumn nights

Snowball fights

warming Jo’s hands in the sleeves of my jumper

in the depths of  winter

the changing colour’s of the season’s

the family meal round the table on Friday night ,

having conversations so deep, so funny and sometimes quite bizarre,

laughing out loud, music, books, poetry, photography,

of chatting/ texting /talking to good friends, Tuesday lunch dates,

Really thick cut crinkled crisps, cupcakes, a Marlboro to start the day,

Road trips and pyjama days

With pen put down, I read the list back,

I fold the list over and place in my wallet behind the photo of Jo

I return to my original position quietly sitting

And in the sustained moment of absolute clarity

I realise I am lucky to have so many reasons to be cheerful about

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

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Reason’s to be cheerful

reasons to be cheerful

Deep in thought I quietly sit

Whilst the pills I’ve just swallowed

Send chemicals to my brain

That no other therapies have been able to reach

And for that brief moment

I have clarity

A sense of rational thinking

A sense of normality

So I write not poetry but

A mantra

A list

To guide me

To focus on

And more importantly to hold onto

For when even darker days arrive

And they will arrive

I know because I’ve been here so many times before

I make a list of all the things that make me happy

Things I should be really cheerful about

A list of no particular relevance, of importance or order

I begin to write surprisingly without hesitation

Beach walking, Angel Bay, the smell of the ocean,

Wales (the land of my history), of being loved and being in love,

My beautiful Jo, my mum, my family, cups of tea in bed with my girl on a

Saturday morning, nights in, nights out, walks in the park

splashes in puddles in the Spring ,

basking in the sun on long summer days

Dancing through the leaves on cold Autumn nights

Snowball fights

warming Jo’s hands in the sleeves of my jumper

in the depths of  winter

the changing colour’s of the season’s

the family meal round the table on Friday night ,

having conversations so deep, so funny and sometimes quite bizarre,

laughing out loud, music, books, poetry, photography,

of chatting/ texting /talking to good friends, Tuesday lunch dates,

Really thick cut crinkled crisps, cupcakes, a Marlboro to start the day,

Road trips and pyjama days

With pen put down, I read the list back,

I fold the list over and place in my wallet behind the photo of Jo

I return to my original position quietly sitting

And in the sustained moment of absolute clarity

I realise I am lucky to have so many reasons to be cheerful about

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

If it rains today

puddlesToday if it rains

Will you laugh at the dark clouds above my head

Will you mock them

Will you  tell them they will never win

That  I am not yet beaten

Will you walk with me

Jump and splash in puddles with me

So I can try and regain some joy back

Will you stand with me , with arms stretched out

And let the rain wash over us so I can feel again

And on the way home

Will you stop there in the crowded street

And kiss me

So I can feel your love over again

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

This week has been a warning

[youtube=http://youtu.be/DtZp7MQE2ZM

Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.

The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .

I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.

I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies

But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x

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Even bloggers need a holiday !!

A short impromptu blog , well it’s seems ages since I have written any poetry but life the last few weeks has been really full on and lots of things have happened since my last posting. I have taken three British Sign language exams , so I had lots of preparation to do for those. I had the result of the first two exams and passed those , just waiting for the finally one to come through. I had an interview to get a place on  the British Sign language level 3 NVQ course starting in September and I managed to secure a place , which is really good as these places are hard to get on as they are very limited places, so I was thrilled to bits to be asked to do the course.

What else , well going back to a poem I wrote on 7 June 2013 (We will get you through this ), my partner was told at the age of 26 she need as pacemaker , anyway please to say she had the operation on 12 July and is doing really well and more importantly is feeling well, she has another 2 weeks recovery before she goes back to see her consultant but the difference in her is amazing.So with her having the op I took a week off to look after her . Now for the best bit of news , remember  I wrote a  poem on 4  June     ( Would you?) , well last week 19 July I took my partner to Angel Bay in North Wales which has featured in a number of poems I have shared ( its a really special place for both of us )  and I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me and she said YES! It was a complete surprise to her and it was a really special, beautiful  day. I had decided to ask her shortly after my partner was told about the pacemaker, but I wanted to do once she had the op and was well enough to travel (it drove me crazy  keeping it from her.) It to be honest it hasn’t really sunk in that she is now my fiancé, but I do feel very very blessed to have her here by my side and I know I am one lucky woman to have her to share my life. Anyway promise the poetry will resume shortly, I’ve  a few ideas floating about my head so I’ll be posting again soon. Anyway here’s a poem that basically sums up how I feel about the  engagement

And–that woman? she

was the universe’s tongue the universe

swallowed. That’s as good an explanation as any.

Once, in sleep, you started a dream soliloquy,

the grammar of which is snow on fire, the words are

neuron-scrawl, are words the elements sing to their molecules…

–I threw myself across you.

It wasn’t sex this time. I just wanted to keep you

beside me, in this world.”

-Albert Goldbarth

ps : Thanks Mr H for the title of this blog x

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Choices

2-pathsDecisions that we make

and the routes we elect to take

Choices are sometimes taken out of our hands

causing hardship we have to overcome and withstand

 People we choose to love and then leave

the loss of a loved one can take us on a path of sadness

when we grieve

Roads we’re forced down

when the mind fails causing us to breakdown

Choices have to be taken in order to achieve the peace of mind

we all strife hard to find

So the roads, the routes we take

create the lifestyle we choose to make

So ensure the journey you’re on is

really the one you want to take.

  ©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Cupcakes , caregiving and everything in between.

I been wanting to tell you the story of how J and got together purely  because you are getting to know her through my poems and to also explain more about me so here goes

I own my own property, nice house in south Manchester, easy access to the airport so its got easy access to motorway and Wales too. I share it with my girlfriend and my mum who I am a caregiver for.  But J also has an apartment not far from where live. We have a granny extension (although she not a granny!!) for my mum , the extension has  a purpose built bedroom and a roll in shower in her bathroom, she has every conceivable aid to help her live a happy life and the room to think she’s Penelope Pit stop whizzing around in her wheelchair.

So why do we need a flat? Some of you may ask. Well it somewhere we get to be like a proper couple without the distractions care giving causes, (trust me being disturb in the middle of the night during those  intimate moments  does happen when you’re a caregiver !!!) Also because J sometimes has work night shift’s as she is a ward manager in a large hospital , so it makes it easier if she sleeps there, so she’s not disturb in the day .It’s also somewhere to put up the outlaws when they visit.

I love being a caregiver, even though it’s the hardest job I have done, it is the most rewarding one too, I do it knowing that my mum is being looked after properly, and all without the help of strangers.  Now I have been her caregiver for the last 30 years and have solely taken on that role  12 years this year. But I never thought of myself as a caregiver until 2009, when I was force to re-enact Grey gardens albeit minus the rundown house, the filth, the numerous  raccoons. But we were forced spend time with each other for 15 months as my mum was seriously ill and was confined to bed for 15 months.  I could not move, we lived, and we ate and even had to sleep in the same room in case she needed help in the night. I rarely went out and if I did it was only to the doctors, the chemist or to do the weekly shop. I couldn’t work so I took a 15 months unpaid career break. It was pure hell, the only time I saw people was when one of my friends came to sit with my mum whilst I ran errands.

During this time I became one of those carers that didn’t take great care of themselves, I looked a mess , I aged , I lost weight , I went down from 8 and half stoned to just under 7 and at 5ft 6in that was not good. I wore jog pants and t-shirts all the time, so not me.

The only other people I saw were the nurses who had to come to treat my mum.  It was during this time I met my current girlfriend. Even now she can recall that day, apparently she says for her there was an instant attraction. I’m sorry to say I can’t remember , it was day  4 , but to be honest it was  the last thing on my mind, it had been for at least  3 years prior when my long term of 12 years partner (it was a very abusive relationship)  , she had a daughter who I virtually brought up as my own, we were engaged ,anyway she slept  with  two other women behind my back (one of them being a good friend of mine) because she couldn’t handle the fact that I wasn’t  there for her as much as I use to be because I became a full time caregiver and the dynamics of our relationship changed completely when my dad died , so we parted,she moved down south  with her daughter  and I  was single for about 3 years and so  I wasn’t ready for another relationship , I hadn’t been on any  dates with anyone, however I  spoke to a few online , one being the head fuck who I’ve mentioned in  previous blogs . There will definitely be a poem being written about that situation.

Anyways my girlfriend  J use to come every day , we never saw any other nurses after her visit  apart from at weekends, it seemed that my would be girlfriend became my mum’s personal nurse . As the treatment lasted an hour my would be girlfriend and I got to know each other very well, she use to bring us cupcakes  and we realised we had so much in common  . At this point I didn’t know whether she was a lesbian although there were slight indications I thought nah I could be that lucky. At this point I did start to make a bit more effort and tidied myself up, because I realised I was really really attracted to her, tried to fight it as she is half my age I was 43 and she was 22 at the time we met , but I couldn’t get her out of my head but I didn’t want to be disappointed if said she wasn’t a lesbian, I knew she was single though.  It just so happen one morning about 8 weeks of meeting her she called earlier than normal she wanted to talk to me about something she said you know I’m absolutely crazy about you don’t you ? Anyway we arrange to meet for a coffee on my next weekly  shopping trip and the weeks rolled in to 5 months and she asked me out as she was moving from the clinic and so we were free to date. I was so happy but also scared to death of getting hurt again butand because I couldn’t believe this beautiful young woman wanted to be with me.  She was scared too because I was her second girlfriend ever, she still hadn’t come out to her parents but she we knew we had to be together. One of my friends said the other week that she has never seen two people more in love, more compatible and need to feed off each other’s love as me and J are

At first I tried to put her off by telling all the pit falls that dating someone with Bipolar  and being a caregiver have. Of my constant moods swings and of never being able to go away on the weekend without mum, having to make arrangements for mum to have some with her when we go out and I never being able spend the night at her flat, the list is endless. Having a relationship difficult thing to do maintain when you have both these things to contend with, not many would put their life on hold to care for their partner when the bipolar kicks in , nor their partner be so understanding know that their partners parent is number one priority but she is willing to do that. Yes there are times we have had wobbles but we seem to get through and 7 years on here we are strong as ever.

She is my soul mate. I let her go briefly and she nearly died with a heart complaint , so when the time is right maybe I will marry that girl near Angel Bay, because I don’t think I will ever find another quite like her.

Anyway every love poem is about her and dedicated to her. I could write a billion poems of undying love to this woman and there would never be enough words.

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This is why my blog is called what it is!!

It fair to say I have that I’ve not had the best of weekends, this weekend. This is due to many things; some things I can’t discuss, nothing wildly exciting, I’m just not able talk about them.

The things that have pissed me off this weekend that I can discuss are

1) I have been on a really tight schedule regarding a British Sign Language course that I’m doing and  I have an exam in about 4 weeks DON’T PANIC and a further one in about 8 weeks so things are a little full on at the mo. There never seems to be enough time to fit everything in with caring for my mum, counselling my mum at the mo as well as she’s waiting for the cancer results to come through. Trying to fit ’ ALONE’  time in with my girlfriend Jo oh and go to work! I suppose I could spend less time writing poems but in honesty they keep me SANE and SANE IS GOOD AT MO!!!

All week I had this looming panic about doing this piece of British Sign Language interpreting, which means writing it (most people think sign language is a direct interpretation of English it’s not .It has its own linguistics, it’s a complex language. It’s a beautiful  language . I’m doing the course because I want a change in career  from what I’m doing now , which something I can’t talk about ! I also believe everybody has the right to information and communication , this includes study and basic information like gay rights /support , so passing means I will just be one step from making my leap into interpreting and helping people get this information . I have been signing all my life as my mum is profoundly deaf) , then doing the piece to camera, editing and uploading and then sending to my teacher. Well parts 1 to 2 went smoothly. Parts 3 and 4 some issues, which were resolved, but part 5 well let’s just say the little beep, beep, beep is still uploading and has been since 10 o’clock this Morning!! It was supposed to be in by 2 this afternoon, well don’t think that’s going to happen. Anyway major rant, I find shouting at inanimate quiet therapeutic like LAP TOPS!!

Anyway Jo took herself off to the kitchen to bake. She knows me so well that she knows that the way to calm a ranting woman down is fill her with cupcakes!

Now full and calm. So calm that I text my teacher who replied “Oh bring it on usb stick or DVD tomorrow when you come to class. Jo pass me another cupcake. Anyway if there were any clips on YOU TUBE OF   British Sign Language SWEAR WORDS I would at this point upload them to show you the actions I did towards that text message.

2) The other thing that spoilt this weekend is that I became very low; my mood took a real nose dive. I can’t give an explanation because it’s part of the thing I can’t talk about ,  it just happens every so often a black cloud just resides over my head  for a little while, usually when I’m stressed out , which I have been .  I usually know what to do and that’s to remain quiet, have space, and usually sleep and it passes fairly quickly. But because of everything going it didn’t. Thankfully my mum and Jo know I can be a moody cow and leave me to it, but are there when it goes beyond a little downer.

Anyways please to say in the scheme of sorting out the uploading problems and eating far too many cupcakes I am back to my old self again (Jo probably thinking thank fuck for that!!)

Anyway going to catch up on some blogs, and work on some poetry.

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3 hours sleep and the ramblings of a 47 year old woman !

impromptu posting . Not had much sleep, about 3 hours. These days I don’t function well without at least 8 hours .

I couldn’t sleep because today my mum has her biopsies done regarding the skin cancer. I knew my mum, wouldn’t sleep and I knew the girlfriend couldn’t sleep and she needed  to because she got work today, so I went to sleep in the spare room. So now I have migraine coming on because A) lack of sleep and B) Worry..

Another reason, the main reason( because I have every faith my mum will be ok )  why I couldn’t sleep is that I was thinking  of the girlfriend who is evidently prominent in my work on here. We had a small break at the beginning of the year, because the 6 months prior had been in a nutshell STRESSED , because of illness , her’s illness ,her mother recovering from illness and my mother’s illness . It seems we’re so busy tending to the sick that we forget to look after ourselves. Also due to previous serious 2 relationships and 2 which were semi serious , incidentally they all turned out to be head fucks, I am wary of lesbians ,.

J is the first  woman I have met in a long time who is lets say is normal . She is an affectionate, nice, caring, smart  and funny woman all the attributes I look for in a women , but added bonus she’s beautiful, ultra fem i(f your in UK she looks a lot like Lydia Bright) , background wise we have so little in common that you  think how, what , when did end up together .Her family very affluent (which she doesn’t care about),they have houses all over UK  and in South of France , she was privately educated and I’m old enough to be her mother.  Yet we ended up together .I’m still figuring that one out. BUT WE CLICKED STRAIGHT AWAY and I don’t think anyone has opened me up more , helped me deal with demons from my past more than her  and I know no one has ever made me as happy as she does,  but……….

We’ve been back 4 weeks and things are really good , as I said she is my soul mate but because my mum received the cancer news 2 weeks ago J moved back in and things have been full on since. But really if we continued at this speed we will be apart again before you know. So how can I say thanks for sorting us out but can you move back into your apartment and I see you at the weekends and maybe a couple of times in the week  because things are moving TOO QUICK  without sounding callous. Because I know one day we (More importantly I) will do this once too often and there with be no going back .

Anyway whatever happens doesn’t change our feelings for each other , but at 47 WHY CAN’T I GET MY ACT TOGETHER.I really need to take the advice off that old couple we met the other day and just be bloody happy!!

My mum never interferes in my relationships, especially not J because she adores her but she does refer to us as the lesbian version of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, cant live with each other but  cant be apart. not quiet knowing which one of us is Richard ( probably me), and can we sort things out once and for all because she’d really like to buy a hat!!

anyway get today over with  and be there for mum and tonight /tomorrow chat with J.

No wonder I suffer from migraine’s

Finn x

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It’s a generational point of view

bench

Lunchtime in the park

You’ve text  me you need a break

You’ve had a busy morning of

Cancer Inauguration’s of people who are

Scared of what their future hold’s

You know through experience that only half will survive

You needed a break and a comforting arm around your shoulder

and the reassurance of a kiss upon your cheek

you receive all in the park at lunchtime

a small group of teenage girls go by

they couldn’t have been no more than fifteen years old

a small presentation of what our future holds

we’re clench in fingertips, locked in lips,

I admit we were lost in the moment for a brief second

because being gay in a very straight world we are

always,

always

planning our advances

I hear one remark with venom

“Did you see that, they were ‘gay kissing’ “

This comment makes me angry, but importantly it makes

me sad that this a sample view of our younger generation

who can differentiate between a kiss and a gay kiss,

would they differentiate between loves?

would they keep us oppressed and try force us back into closets?

it makes me disillusioned

then an old couple come join us on the bench,

they see your wearing hospital scrubs

they strike up conversation of how they lost their daughter

ten years ago to breast cancer

you can see the rawness is their eyes

they ask us if we are a couple,

reluctantly I confirm we are

their reply is simple yet beautiful

and it fills my heart with warmth and restores my faith

“Cherish each other”,

“Be there for each other”,

and “Love one another.”

we take their advice and say our goodbyes and

hand in hand we take our leave

We overhear the old woman comment to her husband

“What a nice couple they were. “, he replies “Yes dear they were.”

It makes us smile and and you squeeze my hand

as we continue to walk on hand in hand

that lunchtime in the park

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

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Ever had one of those days…. I have today was it!!!

impromptu posting the above video basically says everything I really want to say and there are bits of the video that make me laugh. Normally I’d write  a poem the events but today I am unable to so because you’d  think I had developed tourettes and 24 years out and open some people still leave me speechless  in good and bad ways. Maybe I do the poem tomorrow , hopefully I’ll be calmer about it then  . Anyway enjoy the video!

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Always

angel bay

Always when I come to you

A hundred memories we share

Always when I come to you

A hundred more you bestow

Always when I come to you

You give me counsel

Always when I come to you

You listen to my sorrow

Always when I come to you

Take away my fears

Always when I come to you

I find a place I can feel free

Always when I come to you

I am away from constraint,

I am for once just me

Always when I come to you

I love

The smell of you

The taste of you

The touch of you, as your tides wash over my feet

as always I love to come to home and hide in Angel Bay

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Twiddley thumbs up, everything with be ok

003An impromptu posting.

Two days ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It is not a bad cancer (if cancer could ever be described as good)!

But in the scheme of cancers that has she has previously fought, this is a better cancer to fight (we hope, we have to remain positive)

She just went to the doctors with a mole on her wrist. A tiny thing that started to grow; now the doctor has reassured her it was ok but they referred to the hospital for further tests.

But they found another one further up her arm and more serious one on the side of her head. To be honest I had forgotten about that one and I was shocked at how much it had grown and how angry it looked)  at the moment they don’t know what kind of growth /tumour this is and unfortunately its near where she has had it before. The one on the wrist and arm are contained which is good news

But they now have to do biopsy on what kind of skin carcinoma, (A horrible word) because I said they don’t know, but they have wait about 2 weeks before she can have this done ,as she needs a  blood count done first, but to do this she has to stop a certain medication, .So we have what seems to be along 2 weeks to wait before we get any further news.

Obviously my mum was upset, as I was.  I comforted and hugged her, gave her assuring words which she couldn’t take in. But now  I  have be seen as remaining  strong, if I show her weakness to her or if she thinks I have been told something different than her ( my mum is profoundly deaf so I have to interpret for her )  she will worry and oh boy can she worry.

There is an added sadness to this , because it is just over 12 months ago that my mum’s oncologist gave her a clean bill of health after 20 years and told her she no longer had to take the cancer meds. After I took her out for coffee, I really wanted to take her to lunch to chat about what had occurred but neither of us felt like eating.

My girlfriend J arrive home and she tried talking to her (she is a cancer nurse); she seemed to be getting through to her but then the what if questions, came. I know my mum with time she will get things sorted in her head, and come out fighting, she won’t let  it beat  her. So as my mum use to say to me when I was little and I was scared , twiddley thumbs up everything with be ok. She will get her head around the procedures, and the treatments. She knows the score. She has had to deal with it six times before, far worst cancers than this and she is still here.

But friends, family, people are offering to light candles, say prayers. Now this may be their way of dealing with it but I keep telling them politely please don’t, save for those who will think it will give them comfort. I get no solace, from god screwing up again. I would ask the question why my mother has been set tests all her life. She is a woman who doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. A woman who has never abused her body yet she is tested. Well if it’s for courage she passes, if it’s for strength of character she passes with distinction., but me and god fell out along time ago.

Anyway were off to Wales tomorrow spend the day with my girlfriends folks, take my mum to pay her respects to my dad ( his ashes are scattered not far.)  Hopefully go beach walking with J, clear my the head for the weeks to come. If I could get mum on the beach I’d take her beach walking too.

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A complicated Relationship

because1Why do you tease me, so that my brain bursts

I cannot concentrate

I have migraines so bad because of you

Your stay is brief and for the moment you are there I am mesmerized

And I then you are all too quickly gone

Your characters change too quickly, that l cannot keep up with you

You jump around you won’t stay still, why won’t you stay still?

I am in awe of you.

I look at you longingly trying understand you

but you melt away like candle wax

you put blocks in my way, the same colours of rainbow

I would love to read the contents of your hearts,

but you will not allow me that pleasure

I try to sing you but I do not understand your language

I will write poetry with you

I will not beaten

Why?  Because I am not stupid, lazy or dumb

I hAve DySLexiA

And words I love you even if you sometimes don’t love me back.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

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a very very subtle RANT! (Just Because)

impromptu posting  because in truth I’m in need of a full-blown expletive  rant but  there is a time and a place and my blog is not that place . So  I’m keeping quiet (silent mouth mode on) trust me because I can go off on one( the clues in the name of my blog!!.)

Anyway I came across this poem,  ( above) by accident (thought I’d share) I do that, trawl the Internet for poetry (I can’t get enough)I think it’s brill , I hope you think it is too! This one is  about addiction( it’s been on my mind recently. I don’t drink , l like control and because in a way I had enough of it as a child that I’ve turned my back on it)

Anyway as I said in need of a rant , so here is a very very very watered down one

Just because

Just because I can write my name doesn’t mean I am a writer

Just because I can  press click on a camera doesn’t make me a photographer

Just because I can draw stick men doesn’t mean I am an artist

Just because I have opinions doesn’t mean  I should rude

( I was brought up with better manners than that!)

we are all talented in own special way,

We all have our reasons for it I am sure

but please keep your ego’s away from my door

nothing else nothing more

oh by the way thank you for your superficial like !

maybe I’ll get a trophy or a star

And well someone got to  keep it real, that’s for sure.

But I’m in need of an outlet and I’m  just saying, that’s all 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved.

ooops (silent mouth mode was off , wasn’t it !)

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the power of words = Love , Passion and being Alive!

Another impromptu posting . I originally started  this blog  back in November because I have written forever and I wanted to write again, I needed to write again , not for anyone else but just to clear my head of its thoughts. I don’t  have an ego although I write poetry …go figure ,What i mean is  I dont write for popularity etc etc  , Take me or leave me . I don’t profess to be any good, my poems are straight from the heart from me ,  ,all bio or semi biographical so maybe the ego does come through , but i like/hope to think they are  a release more than anything.. I’m honoured people like, that’s a plus ,so thank you x

In 2009 I stop writing , for two reasons my mother was seriously ill and  I took 15 months of work to nurse her, she pulled through,  proving she is the strongest woman I know alive or dead and two I finally began  grieving my father for the for time since in his death in 2004, it took me  5 years to get to that point.

Earlier posts have described our relationship from me being a child to me an adult , when died. I’m glad we found peace with each other and that we had at least 15 good years to rebuild our relationship, I loved him so much and miss even , more now . I forgave him for my childhood , because he couldn’t forgive himself. Anyway I also started a new relationship in 2009 with a nurse who looked after my mother , she’s the muse in most of my poems and my soul mate .

Anyway we split in Feb for stupid personal reasons,not my choice, she moved out of my house and I started writing again to keep a) Sane and b) to keep busy . Unbeknows to me  the girlfriend  had been reading and realised how I felt ,and as result were back together ,  we’ve gone back to basics to discover why we fell in love with each other again. (No doubt future poems) So the moral of the story Words will always win.

Anyway the link  is Andrea Gibson , who I bow to, I could listen to her forever , anyway I love her poetry , so heres just one of them, which is appropriate for discovering a new lover  …..enjoy.

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Reason’s, Seasons, and Lifetimes

seasons-1024x575

They say people come into your life for reason, a season or a lifetime

You are reason my for being

Fate brought you to me when I was drowning ,

You grasp me by the hand and held on tight,

I struggled in the depth but with your kisses you breathe  life into my body

Your presence is every season

You are my winter blanket; you protect me in my winter bleakness,

when my ruminations are dragged into the ice  where creature’s lurk waiting to feast on my thoughts

You are my spring you bring new life , you allow me to be reborn

You are the key that allows me to relive my youth in all its wonderment

You opened the box, that time had forgot, the one I had locked in all my precious memories

You are my  summer, holding  me in your warmth,

you are my lazy summer afternoons, your kisses quench my thirst

You are my autumn, with leaves golden that  remind me of the colour of your hair, you are

the orange amber fires that roar like the  passion you share with me

You are my lifetime.  you are my path I walk on , keeping my focus and away from harm

And yours is the image  when my  time on  this Earthly Plane is drawing to an end

your eyes, your smile and your beauty is  the last thing I want to see

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

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A Noble Profession

Rang J this evening  to find out aboutnoble prof

the arrangements for tomorrow

“Happy Birthday” I exclaimed “How was work?

She  answered “Thanks”

Her voice was full of sorrow

“What’s wrong?” I asked

“An old lady die on my Birthday” she blurted out

She’s never gotten use to the death

It’s a noble profession being a nurse,

nurturing life and at the same time mourning  it too

She was the only one with her when actually she died

She had no one else to be there, she said

she hung on for ages but she cancer it was prevalent

They called her family but they were stuck in the snow

I tried to appease her but she was in too much in grief

“Do you want me to come round ?” I said

“Can  I come to you ” she replied  ,

Yes I answer “Do want come stay the night?”

“I  don’t like the thought of you being on your own”

”I’d like that” she said ” I don’t think I should on my own tonight  too”….

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

I need to go beach walking …..

Another impromptu posting with none of my attempts at poetry!

I seem to have found myself with a day off work , so I’m off on a trip back ‘home’ to North Wales, for a “Welsh fix”.

I need to be by the sea and I need to go ‘beach walking’  because I’m starting to dwell on things too much and that’s not good. I’m allowing things to happen that I don’t want to happen namely the separation of J and I.

I wish one of us had been unfaithful , I wish  we could  get angry. I wish we had a good enough reason for making ourselves miserable but we don’t truth be told the only thing that’s keeping us apart is the fear of the future ( you’ll have trawl through my earlier postings its far too early and complicated for me to explain!)

In the four years we were together we’ve had one  previous separation which lasted  for six months ( I basically lost the plot for a short while and she gave me space to sort myself out) other than that the odd silly little spat but no arguments. Friends/family say we’re perfect together , we compliment each other , we’re miserable when not sharing each other. Don’t get me wrong we weren’t joined at the hip. But it was just good knowing that what ever we did during the day was for the mutual care of one another, that we had each other to rely on , oh that someone other than family loved you, someone who thought you were worth the effort , she is that someone.

I’ve had previous partners of varying in times,  10 years, 7 and some no longer than a year, to be honest always been a bit cynical of relationships until J . I use to hear stories of how when people met and they’d say I knew she was the one and never understand  I do now, I want to grow with her ,simple as.

Anyway there’s an unknown quote  ” I never thought love was worth fighting for but then I look into your eyes I’m ready for war ”

Well I am ready to fight for us and a trip to the sea and walking on the beach is just what  I need to sort out my strategy.