May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Its good to talk …

I have my final counselling session today and I am a little apprehensive.  I don’t want it to end , I feel like I’m going to visit a really good friend for the very last time.It makes me feel sad but then again I should take it as a positive that I am grown up and no longer need my comfort blanket.

As I said in my previous posting I have recently been going through a really bad bipolar episode.I am now well on the road to recovery.  My mood swings are finally levelling out due to new medications and due to the  counselling sessions I have received.

My psychiatrist thought it would help me to attend counselling  as I was beginning to isolate myself more and more. Anyone who suffers from Bipolar will understand how debilitating  the isolation is when your going through a depressive phase.  I find it difficult to explain how relentless the battle with it is. Generally  I am loner anyhow, not of my own choice I might add but because I am the sole carer of mum who is paraplegic , I have been for the last 25 years  and somehow the isolation of it’s duties have been forced upon me, non of which is my mum’s fault , as she didn’t choose her illness nor did I. It’s just that people, friends stopped asking me to socialise a long time ago and previous partners begrudged the amount of time and commitment that went into looking after my mum. This is the reason why  my latest ex and I are still  close,  she’s the exception to the rule. (Discovered this through the counselling sessions)  I know  that people say the internet is a great place to maintain friendships and that it is also great place  to meet new friends , maybe , I have yet to be convinced , I think they work for a while and then people move on, but I am not blameless  it’s a two-way street and I know I am guilty in not keeping in touch and   maintaining friendships, I blame it on my  fear of rejection,I’ve always  shut myself off from friendships before they reject me!  ( also learnt through counselling). So whenever I go through a depressive phase the isolation is so much worst, because every bit of hurt,anger , frustration , rejection and self loathing is held deep within , and there is no one to share it with . So counselling was a blessing .

When I first started the counselling back in May I really didn’t think it would help, I thought it would be all cognitive behavioral therapy, which I’d previously had and which hadn’t worked.  I was also worried that I wouldn’t like my counsellor , but I was proved wrong my counsellor  Angela put me at ease straight away as we have a common interest we are both learning sign language. So the conversation began to  flow very easily. I was so amazingly so open with her  that I shared things about myself during that first session that no other living person knew about, so I came away surprised , relieved and optimistic.

I have looked forward to every counselling session since. Partly because it has given me purpose to get out of bed but more importantly it has been an opportunity to share   hidden aspects life , my thoughts, in fact  it was a place where I could just talk to someone in a  non judgemental environment. It’s been a place of laughter and tears and importantly a place of rediscovering what makes me tick. It’s given me back a rejuvenated energy and a purpose of which direction I want  my life to  go in. I believe it’s  fate that I had this Bipolar episode when I did because without it  I wouldn’t I have met the wonderful people  who have help me in my recovery including my  psychiatrist  and Angela my wonderful counsellor , who made me realise  with her  words of encouragement  that I am an empathic person and  that the counselling profession would benefit with someone like me. So you never know all being well  I too could  be able to counsel and help people in just like Angela has done with me. So hear’s to Angela for her Patience, her encouragement and kindness and making me realise it’s good to talk.




May contain Rants

We will get you through this


We sit waiting


No words

Just waiting

Your foot taps on the floor

It always taps when you’re nervous

I place my hand on your knee

To calm the twitch

I turn to you, smile

You squeeze my hand so tight

but I don’t mind

you smile right back at me

I tell “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

They call your name

the tests begin

heartbeats checked

it’s not good news

too much damage

but we already knew this

your symptoms have been getting worse

I know this because your heartbeats out of rhythm to mine

when I make love to you

they tell you the facts

A pacemaker is needed

but it doesn’t sink in

so I butt in “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

The choice has been made

 we’re sat in the car


no words

You tell me “I’m scared Finn “

then the what if questions begin

It’s a game I’m all too familiar with

I tell “You’ll be fine it’s all good

they’re going to fix you,

you’ll be in safe hands and when it over

you’ll be in mine”

I place my hand on your knee

not to stop the twitch

but to reassure you

I smile at you

you squeeze my hand so tight

but I don’t mind

you smile right back at me

I tell “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

Darkness falls

I’m listening to your heartbeats

as I write

of how I would in a second


Your pain,

Your fear

You turn to face me

You watch me write for a while

 then you tell me

You want me

I stop

with pen put down

I  turned off the lights

I lean over to kiss you

you kiss me back harder

I place my hand on your knee

not to stop the twitch

but because you ask me

you hold my hand as you guide me

You so want to forget the day that been

But tomorrow  I will tell you again

“You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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