Linger…

07/08/201616/08/2017 Fin2 Comments

If I was asked what is my favourite day would be
I have two I would reply
Saturday and Sunday
And it would be said without hesitation
For these are the days I like to wake before you
Just so I can watch you sleep a while
And wonder what you are dreaming
For there are all the days in between
when I have no time to linger
To take time to appreciate your beauty
So here I lie with my head on my pillow facing you
Trying not to move
As your arm is draped across my belly
I do not want to disturb you
So I lie perfectly still
Whilst I with photographic eye
I capture your image to hang in the darkroom of my mind
For those times when we are apart and you are working through the night
Sometimes you pretend to be sleep
Don’t think I don’t know
But the corners of your mouth begin to smile
Give the game away
Yet you allow me to take you all in
And when I am done
With your eyes still shut
You whisper in my ear
Morning
l says it back
And with eyes closed we lie face to face
Because on days like this we can linger
June Bolland © 2016

Legacy of words…

07/08/201616/08/2017 Fin1 Comment

Quietly I sit looking for inspiration
As I try to unlock the words captive inside the cage in my mind
And all I am left with is the feeling of frustration
Of not being able
To set my thoughts free
To run across this empty page
That lies before me
There are so many things J
That I need to say
I sense you watching me from other side of the room
Briefly I break my concentration
and this comfortable silence that we sit to look at you
To ask if you’re ok
Yes you reply , but there is just one question you ask
Why do you need to write
Without hesitation
I reply for you!
To give you affirmation that my love for you is true
To show you the gratitude for you loving me and for allowing me to love you back too
And most important I continue to say my words they are a gift from me to you, a legacy
If for whatever reason I’m no longer a part of your journey
I hope you can look back on my memory of words
And know
that I was very much in love with you

May contain Rants

Cross outs

10/04/201602/04/2018 Fin4 Comments

Its that time between dusk and dawn

The time for lovers

To rediscover one another

This is time I miss with you

When we had endless chats

Time when we laughed

as we tried not to wake the neighbours next door

(God I miss your laughter)

And when I was feeling blue

You’d get up and make me a brew

and climb back into bed and snuggle

me in close to you so I could breath you in

(God I miss your smell)

I sometimes used to count down the hours

just to be alone with you

But now things have changed

The bed feels very strange

without you lying here next to me

I can still picture you engrossed in a book

Whilst I waited patiently for you to put it down so we could fuck

(God I miss the taste of you, I miss the softness of your skin)

But now the time between dusk and dawn

Is spent thinking about you

Its a time when the tears that have gathered all through the day finally flow free

Its a time for me to write down over and over

To summarise how I feel about life, how I feel about you, about us

But so many times I cross out what I want to write and start again

I often wish life was just as simple

That we could cross out all the bad bits and start over again

Because I want if I’m being honest, is to cross out what went wrong

And for me to be lying next to you,

watching you whilst your engrossed in your book waiting patiently for you to put it down

Because its that time between dusk and dawn

The time for lovers

To rediscover one another once again

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Truce…

19/01/201612/08/2017 FinLeave a comment

My heart is over ruling my head today with random thoughts of you
I try and convince myself it will pass
I realised I asked too much of you
pulling you in
pushing you away
promising you the world
A promise I could not deliver
my bipolar saw to that

I realise my heart , it’s rhythm is slower these days
because you are no longer here to make it beat fast
but as I said my heart is over ruling my head today
Its making me think of happier times
Things I thought I’d put to bed
Random thoughts that now make me search out the box in my bed side draw, the one that holds our rings
I take yours out and gently hold it like I’m holding you again

My heart is asking my mind questions it has no right to ask
It’s wondering if I called you would say “Hello”
I’d ask you if we could call a truce on the love and hate thing that we’ve had going on
cos I hear your on you’re own again
and I’m thinking that you could do with a shoulder right now
But maybe not , as I said I cannot give promises I cannot keep
But maybe all I really want to say to you is I fucked up and well my heart still misses you, but as I said my heart is over ruling my head today

May contain Rants

Horizontal Love…

18/10/201427/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

Hands locked

Fingertips touch

Eyes stare gaze fixed

Parched lips kissed

Redundant hand I caress you

Wanting tongue I explore you

In horizontal love

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Girls with no names…

16/10/2014 FinLeave a comment

I was never the settling down type

I didn’t buy the whole relationship thing

I didn’t believe in all the hype

I played the field

I kissed so many girls with no names

Broke so many hearts

to my shame

But non were ever good enough to last

And so quickly I moved on

Until there was you

Now I see myself growing old with you

As for the whole relationship thing

I’d say our matching rings say everything

Never again with there be anymore with no name

That was in the past

For your name is tattoo on my heart

I promise never to break your heart

Because I love only you

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A sensual request…

25/09/201426/09/2014 FinLeave a comment

Are you well enough

are sure really that you’re

ready for this?

Aren’t you still feeling fragile?

You’ve not long been recovered

It’s been a while

Maybe we should

forget about this

In turn I reply

Come over here

Stop your worrying

It’s only a kiss!

May contain Rants

All of you! …

15/02/201416/02/2014 FinLeave a comment

Saturday afternoon

With nothing much to do

Your catching up with your work

Typing reports

And

I’m staring out of the window

Thinking like I usually do

Tracing the raindrops

As they dance down the window pane

I glance at you

Concentration on your face

It got me thinking

What was it I first noticed about you?

Was it your eyes?

Hypnotic blue that cast a spell over me

Was it your long locks of golden blonde?

That radiated me towards you

Was it your mouth full and inviting?

Your lips have always been enticing

Or was it something much deeper

I first notice about you

Could it have been

The gentleness of your soul?

That attracted me like a moth

To the warmth , its brightness

I cannot really be sure

But whatever it was

That first time we met

I know one thing now

I love all of you!

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Face to Face

17/10/201330/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

Face to face

That first time

Hands barely touching

Fingers tips tingled at

Your slightest movement

Then THAT embrace

Eyes so blue

I found myself

Consciously fixed by your gaze

Not wanting to look away

Unlike I normal do

I don’t do the eye connect thing

But you

The first time I looked into your eyes

You transposed me into the deepest part of your soul

Into a vision of such beauty

A beauty I will never witness again

Or would want to.

Then there were you lips

The fullness of your pout

Exciting

Enticing

Then there was THAT kiss

That was five years ago

And now your touch still makes my fingertips tingle

And your kisses still entice me

But

Still I don’t do the eye contact thing

With anyone but you.

May contain Rants

Time and Distance

13/10/201326/08/2015 Fin2 Comments

I watched you unpack

Your suitcase

I missed you I said

You stopped, smiled

Turned and kissed me on the cheek

And said I’ve missed you too

But I was only gone four days

The house was quiet without you

I said

Empty, tidy but colder

But in a funny way

I missed your mess

I’m glad your home

You turned wrapped

your hand in mine

Until you squeezed it tightly

And said I’m glad I’m home too

But I was only in Amsterdam

My minds been working overtime

Without you here to calm it

I said

You’ve been on my mind constantly

You let go of my hand and hugged me

and said I thought of nothing but you too

But I told you it was only four days away in Amsterdam

I know I said its seems nothing

when you say like that

But in seconds it sounds so much worst

In my mind

You were gone for

345600 seconds

and seemed so far away

495 Kilometres away to be exact!

I told you my mind’s been

working over time

But I missed you

May contain Rants

From Morning until dusk

06/10/201330/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

The morning is for us

From that first kiss that awakes

Me from my dreams about you

To smiling at you as lying next to me

The mid-morning and afternoons are full of thoughts of you

Mid-morning smoke breaks and texts from you

To counting down the hours til you get home

Lunchtime chats that end with I love you

The evening is always spent will you?

Catching up on the day’s events we’ve both been through

Listening to music, watching TV, me writing poetry and you bringing me tea

Evening full of laughter, and chatter

The dusk is for us

Filled with passion and the exquisite touch of you

Alone time, our time

And kisses we share to send us to our slumber

And as we lie face to face we both say goodnight

May contain Rants

Shoes

06/10/201306/10/2013 FinLeave a comment

We are like two pairs of shoes

You and I

Those that walk in unison

That have travelled down roads

Some would find it hard to endure

Down the same path

We walk in unison

Same pace, side by side

Heading for

Our dream

Our home

Our haven

We are shoes that dance when no one is around

We dance to the same song you and I

Slowly

Rhythmically

Always in time

So we never to step on each other’s feet!

But sometimes we avoid other people’s shoes

Not to avoid walking in them- no

But because other peoples shoes have a tendency

Of treading on your toes

And kicking you in the shins

And stomping on you when you’re down

But for some

We are shoes that will walk a thousand miles

To carry them home

Because we care enough

About the one’s we love

When times get hard

And they are heavy with burden and

Can no longer walk

We will carry them home

And at night when the moon has risen in the sky

Our shoes they sit side by side

Sharing the darkness of the night

Until it is morning and again they walk in unison

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My Angel needs love

30/09/2013 FinLeave a comment

Sometimes my angel needs to rest her wings

It’s can be tiring taking

Care of everyone else but herself

Sometimes she just needs the security within my arms

To feel the love surround her, shield her

On those days that are bad

When she is reminded of past memories

That suddenly just appear

To understand and have no fear

That I am always here

To bestow a thousand kisses

To know that I will be there to rock her to sleep

And dry her tears as she weeps

and neatly put away her wings

May contain Rants

That Autumn evening

24/09/201330/04/2017 Fin2 Comments

We met in the spring. You always can recall of how it was an instant connection, the thing we now know to be love. By late summer we had fallen in love. Sharing passionate kisses and lingering embraces. But never taking it further. We had to be sure that this was really something we wanted to pursue. You were 21 and I was 42, but yet the years in between melted away. You had never experienced real love, these feelings were so new to you and I was well still healing from her and then came that evening in early autumn…

Do remember I came round to see you

I think we were both aware what was about to take place that evening

It had been building for weeks, but now with minds free, mind set

We were ready to take to another level

I remember how beautiful you looked in that floral dress

And how nervous you were

You were trembling like the leaves blowing in the autumn winds

On the trees outside your window

I remember how inviting your lips were as you nervously spoke

I remember I pressed my finger to your lips and told you shh

And then I kissed you and you kissed me back

And how I began to unbutton your dress

And how you undid my belt

I remember taking off that floral dress

It was like the unveiling of statue of a Goddess

You were beautiful

My Venus

Then both together there alone equal in our nakedness

We laid together

God we were so nervous

And then it began with the sharing of kisses

And touching of faces, mouth, neck and breasts

We became relaxed

Emotions let free

Months of anticipation gone

That first connection

Was one of peaceful intimacy

Slowly, we explored each other

Pleasure should never be rushed

And slowly the intensity began to build

Until the moment of pure euphoria

Erupted between our thighs

Remember how we laid there after

Just staring into each other eyes

With still lingering fingers you traced my face

As I did yours

I remember when the evening was over

I watched you putting back on your floral dress

Knowing that life would never be quite the same

For you and I

May contain Rants

Sex appeal!

23/09/201322/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

I remember our first date

Walking home with you

And your fingers found the spaces between mine

They locked, shut tight

As if you had caught me and

I knew there and then it was for keeps.

We stopped and lingered at your door

You said you wanted me, right there and then

I told you don’t! I didn’t put it out on first dates

I told you I wanted to get to know you just a little bit more

In fact it was 6 months and 3 days until I finally lay with you!

You told me I oozed sex appeal

I laughed nervously, a knee jerk reaction

No one had ever said that to me before

Say it again I asked you, so to make sure I wasn’t thinking it out loud

Because that how I felt about you too

But it was true you had said it and I replied but why what is that you see

That evades my vision.

I think went onto protest a little too much,

I am straight up and down, but you have the most wonderful breasts I exclaimed

(I had notice them once or twice during our night).

I have a crooked nose I inherited off my grandfather

How can you possibly say I ooze sex appeal?

When you stand there looking like a Goddess

You are beautiful!

Whilst I stand here like some prepubescent teenage boy

(with an image of your breast ingrained in my brain)

You ooze confidence you said

It leaves a trail of scent like perfume

You wear your sexuality like a coat; fasten with the buttons of experience

Your quirky, different, I love the way your mind thinks and how you speak

How you held your coffee cup tonight, need I go on? you said

You asked if would I kiss you or is that not permitted on first dates too

I didn’t need asking twice

And five years on, engaged here we are still very much in love

Infact the love has grown stronger over the years

And you still say I ooze sex appeal

You still love /want my straight up and down

You still enwrap in yourself in me

You still kiss my crooked nose when you awake in the mornings

and when you go to sleep at night

And me well I love every inch of you from your brain down to your toes

But secretly I will always worship your breasts

May contain Rants

Without you

13/09/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

There were words I could not write (without you)

But now my words flow freely (because I found you)

I had a language I could not speak (until you were here to listen)

Now I have found my voice (I serenade you with the songs of love)

I had so many memories I could not have shared (if you were not here to dry my tears)

But with you I have memories I will cherish (until my time on this earths is done)

There would be too many demons for me to slay (if I didn’t have you by my side)

You are my angel (in the solace of you I feel safe)

So many years of wasted love (if I didn’t have you to share it with)

A love I didn’t feel I deserved (until you bestowed your love on to me)

I spent years running away always running (from her)

Now I find myself running towards you always (into your sweet embrace)

Time I have wasted collecting the bricks to build my walls higher (to keep my heart safe)

Until you came along, to breakdown my walls ( because you cared enough make them fall)

May contain Rants

The degrees of passion

10/09/201310/09/2013 FinLeave a comment

Initiation

It’s late and the world has closed its eyes

But we’re wide awake

Knowing that sleep is far from our minds

I sit watching you

As you undress beside me

You’re holding your hair

With your back towards me

You say “unclasp me”

Your lingerie now tossed to the floor

Invitation

The nakedness of your skin

Its softness

Its smoothness

and it’s aroma

Is too hard to resist

I need no invitation

and so I begin bestowing intimate kisses

Exploration

You turn to face me

Your body straddled over mine

There is a longing in those

Blue eyes of yours

We linger

Gaze fixed

Lips locked

And then the tease of your tongue

Is an open invitation to explore deep

into hidden depths

Consummation

And the ritual begins

The weight of your body

Of skin upon skin

We move in synchronised movement

Then that intimate touch

As fingers and hands wander

A slow gentle exploration of bodies

And we tremble with what is to come

A hunger that needs to be fed

Pulses throb

Heartbeats race as

The warmth of our closeness

Pupils Dilated

The teasing of tongues

flicker

between thighs

Our souls are awoken

Reunited once again

And our bodies explode

With the passion we have created

May contain Rants

If it rains today

07/09/201307/09/2013 Fin2 Comments

Today if it rains

Will you laugh at the dark clouds above my head

Will you mock them

Will you tell them they will never win

That I am not yet beaten

Will you walk with me

Jump and splash in puddles with me

So I can try and regain some joy back

Will you stand with me , with arms stretched out

And let the rain wash over us so I can feel again

And on the way home

Will you stop there in the crowded street

And kiss me

So I can feel your love over again

May contain Rants

Avoiding the dark abyss

07/09/201319/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

With a kiss you awake me from my opiatic repose

You ask how I am feeling

I tell you I’m not quite sure

You rephrase your question “how does it feel” you ask

“What the depression?” I reply

(You nod)

I tell you I feel tainted

That my brain feels corrupted

By the messed up childhood I inherited

And as I am saying it I’m thinking you won’t get it

But the look on your face isn’t a fearful one

There’s compassion in your eyes

(you’re not about to run a mile from the mad one who lies next to you)

and so I add another guilt to the thousand I already possess

for doubting you.

I tell you that I no longer mind the pain

because the pain makes me feel I am still here

I tell you pain also speaks the truth

it shows the honesty in people

They don’t know what to say so they wish you Good luck

As if I am about to embark on some great joyous adventure

when really I am running from the dark abyss

It’s because some don’t know how to handle depression

They see it as a weakness, a failure

and you tell me I am not weak , that I am the strongest person you know

And that my mum thinks of me as some kind of super hero

I regretfully answer I’m afraid my cape has been hung up

Then there’s a darkness to my voice

I am fearful Jo I say

Of the dark abyss

And of the suicidal thoughts waiting

I tell you I am now a ghost visible to a few

I feel as if I am beginning to walk between the shadows

Trying to avoid the dark abyss

Desperately searching for my way back home

I glance, I see you upset

The tears are welling in your eyes

You wrap your arms around me

I feel your love tighten round my frame

And hear your whisper in my ear “You are home, its right here”

May contain Rants

Skin touching Skin

31/08/201327/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

Our gaze locked

The anticipation of skin touching skin

My fingertips begin to trace your mouth

Then the moment that starts from a kiss

The slow exploration of the softness of your lips

I feel the touch of your breath as I inhale you

The intensity builds as your tongues entwines with mine

Positions now altered

I feel the warmth of your closeness as

you take my weight

my motion is slow

never rushed

my fingers , palm of my hands slowly begin to linger

and with every touch

I replace it with a kiss

you take my hand

With fingers entwined you guide me slowly down

slowly my fingers enter into hidden depths

soft, wet

It’s an open invitation to explore

You buck

Again with every touch I replace it with a kiss

But harder this time

You buck again

An orgasmic wave sends

Vibrations throughout your frame

And I can feel the intensity tremble under me

It strikes you to your very core

Over, and over this occurs

Both satisfying each other’s hunger

Until both our cravings have been met

It ends as it began with a kiss

One last slow exploration of the softness of your lips

And bodies still wet

We lie en wrapped in other’s skin

May contain Rants

Two figures

23/08/201327/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

Alone

Two figures

Yours and mine

Lie

As our world waltz’s

Into the darkness of the night

And the brightness of the moons light projects

A shadow of a single silhouette on our wall

We are bound by love

Synchronised in movement

We are always in tune you and I

Both knowing how to please

How a thousand types of kisses can tease

As the caress of our hands waits in anticipation

The sensation of pleasure

Alone

Two figures

Yours and mine

Lie

As our world waltz’s

Into the brightness of the early morning sun

And we know the earth just didn’t move for us

It danced for both of us last night

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This, you , us

20/08/201307/11/2017 Fin2 Comments

I sit here just looking at you

And it crosses my mind briefly of how lucky I am

To have this, you, us

But it’s not meant to happen to people like me

I have too much broken mirrors of luck

For this to be real

And then my mind begins to wander, with now thoughts spiralling

I begin to doubt myself that this cannot be real

What if this all a dream,

What if my mind is tricking me into thinking that

All this, you, us is some bipolar vision

That really you are a figment of my wanting

to want this , want you, want us

then you move towards me

The real you, the dream you, the bipolar you

Momentarily I am unsure which one I can actually see

But then you come up behind me

Wrap your love around me

And with the warmth of your lips you kiss me

This spell is then lifted and I know now this is true

Because your kisses are truest kisses I have tasted

And your love is truest gift I have ever received

And I sit here now so content, so happy knowing

This, you, us is very real.

May contain Rants

Shadows (For J x)

19/08/201307/05/2017 FinLeave a comment

There have been times in my life when all I had for company was my solitary shadow

Ever present, watching

(but detached)

Appearing only when sun shone

(but I didn’t even know the sun was shining)

And as the clouds emerge it too would be gone

(leaving me alone stood there in my solitary frame)

For days, months, and years this would occur

(it became my normality)

Then perchance you appeared, as the shadow did

(present, this time real)

Now whenever the sun shine’s

(and I now know the sun shines, it always shines now)

For all I see is two shadows,merged moving in unison

(for you will always be the blue skies on my cloudy days )

May contain Rants

In a halo of perfection

02/08/201327/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

I love the way your hair falls on the pillow

I love to memorise every inch of you

To recall back on days and nights I may find myself apart from you

And as the sun’s rays peer through our curtains

And the morning light breaks the darkness of your silhouette

Their light illuminates every part of you

Until all I can see is my love, my life, my eternity

Lying there next to me in a halo of perfection

Whilst I lie so close to you

so desperate to touch you

but knowing its too soon, you still need to heal

I resist the temptation,

Instead I am satsified with the thousand hugs and kisses

you bestow on me a day

knowing is it only a matter of time

When we will again share our passion

So for now I will just lie here content watching you sleep

Lying there next to me in your halo of perfection

As the morning light breaks the darkness of your silhouette

May contain Rants

Lie with me

31/07/201327/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

Lie with me

let me see your beauty

Lie with me

look into my eyes and

See my spirit and know the love it has for you

Lie with me

Place yourself beside me and hold me (just hold me)

Lie with me

kiss away my pain

Lie with me

let’s have meaningless conversations

until we laugh and the tears begin to fall

Lie with me

Let me fall asleep enwrapped in your skin

Take a nap with me this afternoon

Whilst the summer rain dances on our windows

May contain Rants

In the silence of happiness

30/07/201319/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

We’re both wide awake

Its two maybe half two in the morning

Your arms round my waist

Head leaning on my shoulder

Your legs entwined with mine

You pull me in close into you

It’s a time we’re familiar with

It’s a time we have deep meaningful conversations

Sometimes often or not it’s a time for wants

And needs to be initiated

But not tonight

Tonight there is neither

Tonight there is a sense of contentment

In the silence of happiness

Lying here knowing that the past is a distant memory

never to be relived

And knowing that our future is beautiful adventure

waiting to be lived

But more than that

It’s knowing that you are well, you are safe

You are here, just here by my side

With your arms round my waist

Head leaning on my shoulder

Your legs entwined with mine

I feel blessed…

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Even bloggers need a holiday !!

25/07/201305/08/2013 Fin1 Comment

A short impromptu blog , well it’s seems ages since I have written any poetry but life the last few weeks has been really full on and lots of things have happened since my last posting. I have taken three British Sign language exams , so I had lots of preparation to do for those. I had the result of the first two exams and passed those , just waiting for the finally one to come through. I had an interview to get a place on the British Sign language level 3 NVQ course starting in September and I managed to secure a place , which is really good as these places are hard to get on as they are very limited places, so I was thrilled to bits to be asked to do the course.

What else , well going back to a poem I wrote on 7 June 2013 (We will get you through this ), my partner was told at the age of 26 she need as pacemaker , anyway please to say she had the operation on 12 July and is doing really well and more importantly is feeling well, she has another 2 weeks recovery before she goes back to see her consultant but the difference in her is amazing.So with her having the op I took a week off to look after her . Now for the best bit of news , remember I wrote a poem on 4 June ( Would you?) , well last week 19 July I took my partner to Angel Bay in North Wales which has featured in a number of poems I have shared ( its a really special place for both of us ) and I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me and she said YES! It was a complete surprise to her and it was a really special, beautiful day. I had decided to ask her shortly after my partner was told about the pacemaker, but I wanted to do once she had the op and was well enough to travel (it drove me crazy keeping it from her.) It to be honest it hasn’t really sunk in that she is now my fiancé, but I do feel very very blessed to have her here by my side and I know I am one lucky woman to have her to share my life. Anyway promise the poetry will resume shortly, I’ve a few ideas floating about my head so I’ll be posting again soon. Anyway here’s a poem that basically sums up how I feel about the engagement

And–that woman? she

was the universe’s tongue the universe

swallowed. That’s as good an explanation as any.

Once, in sleep, you started a dream soliloquy,

the grammar of which is snow on fire, the words are

neuron-scrawl, are words the elements sing to their molecules…

–I threw myself across you.

It wasn’t sex this time. I just wanted to keep you

beside me, in this world.”

-Albert Goldbarth

ps : Thanks Mr H for the title of this blog x

May contain Rants

Heartbeats…

20/06/201319/04/2017 Fin2 Comments

My arms are wrapped around you

As you lie by my side

But at all times one eye is kept open

I wait; watch you as your heartbeats become content

I watch as you drift into your world full of dreams

Where you are well

Some days when you wake

I can tell the dreams you have

The waking world is not the same

The reality sinks in

You long to be the girl who you once were

I tell you, no I try to reassure you, you will be once more

Your eyes say otherwise, you are not convinced by my words

It’s hard, it hurts and I get stressed

I get angry with people

They’re not interested in your blight

They’re too busy floating around in their delusional bubbles

Expecting us to enjoy

Watching them go ride off

On life’s fantastic journey

When all I want to do is lie by your side

Wrap my arms around you

and watch you sleep as your heartbeats become content

May contain Rants

Love lost and found

12/06/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

I thought I lost my one true love

She fled through my front door

Never to return

I put flyers up

They read

“Love, lost, please return it “

But nobody did

Three long years I pined

Over thought, had conversations

Inside my head

Of the why’s, the what if’s

Then you appeared

One sunny morning in May

To tend my mother’s wounds

The days, the weeks, the months went by

Each time you’d greet me with a smile

A look of attraction was clear to see in your eyes

I look back on that time, it seems so long ago

I’ve grown so much; you pulled me out of the darkest place

A place I thought love would never grace

Yet now I realise my one true had not left

She had not arrived

Because I realise I was waiting for you

May contain Rants

Your Story

11/06/201315/04/2016 Fin2 Comments

I remember the day you opened up to me

The day you relived your story

I remember how the tears streamed down your face

Your body language changed

You told me you had suffered from an eating disorder

How you mind distorted

The image reflection of you

How you used to hide

Locked away in the bathroom

Away from prying eyes

Alone with your morbid distain

You learned to purge and expel

With fingers down your throat

All you consumed expelled

Of how desperate you became

How daring you became you performed

This act in public and how still no one was aware

How you became a mistress of its deceit

Until one day your mind, your body completely broke

You were forced to look your demons in the eye

Kept under lock and key, your every move monitored

You were allowed no privacy

You told me how of the months you spent in therapy

How they healed your mind and body

How this was the reason you became a nurse

Of how it scars still haunt you

Of how you still live with years of self-abuse

Of the damage it caused to your heart

I sat and listened to the pain in your voice

There were tears streaming down my cheeks

The day you opened up to me

The day you relived your story

I remember how I held you,tried to kiss away your pain

I told you sshh babe, it’s ok , let the pain all out

I held you until you were all cried out

Now the years have past since you retold your story

Now not one day goes by

I never forget to remind you how beautiful you are

both on the inside and out

May contain Rants

Will you take care of your heart

10/06/201319/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

I refrain from telling you

I’m constantly biting my lip

at the reckless chances you keep taking

It alarms me , it worries me

the lack of respect you give to your heart

you tell me stop fussing, your ok

but both know really your not

You tell me you’re only young once, life is for living

I tell you, I know but

I’d actually like the chance to live that life with you

I want to grow old with you at my side

You know I’m scared to death of losing you

I nearly lost you once

we may not get a second chance

I don’t want to visit you at your graveside

but then I refrain

God you drive me insane sometimes

but then again I still can’t help caring for you

May contain Rants

In the darkness that surrounds us

09/06/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

The darkness surrounds us

We arrive home

A night of anticipation

Greets us as

We close the door

I go outside to sit on the balcony

I was about to have a cigarette

But then I realise I don’t need one

I’m already intoxicated by you

I’m waiting for you to join me

You’re pouring the drinks

The lanterns on balcony are lit

You come and sit

You straddle me

You’re now sat facing me

There passion in our eyes

Let’s take this inside

The night has just begun

I unzip your dress

It falls to the floor

You begin to kiss the back of my neck

Whilst your tease the buttons open on my shirt

Your hands begin wander

Belt undone

You begin to undress me

As I caress you

Our shoes kicked off

Music is on low

We dance real slowly

From room to room

Until we reach the bedroom

The rest of our clothes are now strewn across the floor

We begin to explore

In the darkness that surrounds us

May contain Rants

The visit

08/06/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

Today it’s me who has the nervous twitch

My mood has taken a turn for the worse

You try and make me smile by dancing round the bedroom floor

But I can’t shift this feeling inside

It’s the thought of the visit from your mother

It’s knowing right now she is driving over on the M56

To darken this beautiful day with overcast clouds of doom

We both know the scenario of the day ahead

She’ll be overbearing like she usually is

She’ll have that distained look upon her face that wishes me dead

She has ways of telling me I’m too old for you, that

I don’t have the prospects that she wants for you

I know she thinks I’ll never be good enough for you

I’ve tried to learn to love her, after all she part created you

But she doesn’t really want to know

We tolerate each other for the sake of you

We both know she hates your choices in life

That you turned you’re back on your rich life style

That she has difficulty in accepting your sexuality

She’ll hate the fact she can’t break us, no matter how hard she tries

But what she forgets is together we’re strong

That the love we share is an unconditional bond

She makes comments whether there needed or not

She’ll come with a hidden agenda

But I’m hoping she won’t try and upset you like she usually does

So I wish for the hours to quickly roll on by

So we can say “Don’t come back soon and goodbye.”

Then when it’s dark and she has gone promise me

We can be both dance round the bedroom floor

May contain Rants

We will get you through this

07/06/201318/04/2017 Fin2 Comments

We sit waiting

Silent

No words

Just waiting

Your foot taps on the floor

It always taps when you’re nervous

I place my hand on your knee

To calm the twitch

I turn to you, smile

You squeeze my hand so tight

but I don’t mind

you smile right back at me

I tell “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

They call your name

the tests begin

heartbeats checked

it’s not good news

too much damage

but we already knew this

your symptoms have been getting worse

I know this because your heartbeats out of rhythm to mine

when I make love to you

they tell you the facts

A pacemaker is needed

but it doesn’t sink in

so I butt in “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

The choice has been made

we’re sat in the car

silently

no words

You tell me “I’m scared Finn “

then the what if questions begin

It’s a game I’m all too familiar with

I tell “You’ll be fine it’s all good

they’re going to fix you,

you’ll be in safe hands and when it over

you’ll be in mine”

I place my hand on your knee

not to stop the twitch

but to reassure you

I smile at you

you squeeze my hand so tight

but I don’t mind

you smile right back at me

I tell “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

Darkness falls

I’m listening to your heartbeats

as I write

of how I would in a second

take

Your pain,

Your fear

You turn to face me

You watch me write for a while

then you tell me

You want me

I stop

with pen put down

I turned off the lights

I lean over to kiss you

you kiss me back harder

I place my hand on your knee

not to stop the twitch

but because you ask me

you hold my hand as you guide me

You so want to forget the day that been

But tomorrow I will tell you again

“You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

May contain Rants

My words are meaningless without you

03/06/201302/11/2013 Fin2 Comments

my words always come from my deepest places

my soul and my heart

random thoughts poured out upon the page

they are confessions of darker, loner times

they are the words of love I’ve shared with you

but really they have no meaning without you

they are just words of meaningless random

but you complete my words

you are my every capital letter

my commas, my colons, my full stops

my explanation marks, the ellipsis

my quotation marks

my open and closed brackets

but never my question marks

but most of all you are the kiss

at end of my words I only share with you

May contain Rants

The night is ours alone

03/06/201330/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

(For Jo x )

The night

You, me

Sunset, sunrises

and all the hours

in between belong to only us

We are alone

expect for the company

of unconditional love

May contain Rants

Your Beautiful Hands

31/05/201307/05/2017 FinLeave a comment

Whenever I think of you

I think of your hands

I remember how you nursed my mother back to health

With your caring touch

I remember on our first date you placed your hand on my knee

I recall how you asked me to hold your hand

As we walk back to your home

I remember how you changed the position

Your fingers became entwined with mine

How you still hold out your hand for me to hold every time we’re out

I love how your hands feel on my neck as you kiss me

I love how your thumb brushes over my lips when you’ve kissed them

I love the way your hands feel on my waist and when you hug me

I love how your fingers take a slow stroll across my body

How they tease and caress me

The sensuality in your fingers generate such ecstasy

I remember the softness of the palms of your hands

As I held them when you were in hospital

How I check the length of your life line

As to reassure me that your life was long

That you weren’t going to leave me

How you squeezed my hand back when you awoke

I’ll never forget that one single squeeze of hope

I dream of the day when this land decides to make up its mind

How you and I will stand face to face

Hand in hand

And how I will place my ring on your finger

The one that’s vein leads straight to your heart

So whenever I think of you

Always

Think

Your

Beautiful

Hands

May contain Rants

A phone call away

28/05/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

Alone in bed I sit writing about you (Always about you )

My phone rings it’s you

You ask me “Are you writing?”

I reply “I am, are you reading, what chapter you on?

You give me a brief summary of what you’ve read

I can hear the excitement in your voice, I smile

You ask me “What you smiling about? “

I ask you “How do you do that?

How do you know my facial expression from a phone call?”

“I just do” you say

Then the conversation continues

“The sky is dark tonight “ you say

We sit /lie apart looking at the night sky

You’re not with me; you’re alone in your bed

But you’re looking at the same night sky as me

We’re barely 3 miles apart

But you feel so very close

I wish I could reach down the phone and look into your eyes so blue

Instead of the dark night andI wish I could tell how much I love you

“You say it’s cold tonight “and I agree

I say “There’s definitely a chill in the air

I wish I could reach down the phone and hold you and keep you warm

Instead of the cold freezing my skin and I wish I could tell you how much I miss you

“You say there is stillness tonight”

I say “I know it doesn’t feel right”

I wish I could reach down the phone and touch you

Instead I sit here still and I wish I could tell you how much I WANT you tonight

You say “It’s getting late ” and you know how early I have to be awake

I say “I know, I’m just finish this verse and then I’m going to sleep”

You reply “I’m finishing off this chapter and I’ll call it a night”

We finish off in unison “Sweet dreams babe, goodnight.”/

“Sweet dreams, night my sweet.”

We both hang up

I finish my verse

I turn off the light

I lie there alone in the dark, cold, still night,

with thoughts of nothing but you

Content knowing that’s what you’re doing too

May contain Rants

What I would do

26/05/201302/11/2013 Fin2 Comments

Before you I was lost deep within inside myself

My name had returned on the singles list

There was a blackness that rule my head and heart

The girl I once loved, left for someone else far away,

All the relationships gone wrong before

I tried to hide away

I try desperately to fill the void

Not knowing how to start

My mind in overdrive

I sunk to depths so deep

Then you arrived

My heart rejuvenated

My mind so full of thoughts only of you

You built me up, you counselled me ,

You loved me and I began to love you (love me too)

So 5 years on and here we are

We have had laughter, good times, stressful times,

Times we’ve parted and been lonely and miserable

But our love always shines through

Our life together now certain

You mean so much to me

That I would live my life over again

all its bad times, its black times,

I would allow myself to cavort with the demons of my past

For knowing you‘d be there

Even if it was only for

one last kiss

one last touch

one last night in your bed

one last look in your eyes

one last smile

I would do that for you

May contain Rants

Tides

23/05/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

There was a storm that hit our bay

That drifted you too far out to sea

Too far for me to swim and reach out for you,

So far I couldn’t rescue you (rescue us)

I stood on the beach helpless

I watched the flow of the water

carry you away

As the tears flowed down my cheeks

I was weighed down by heavy heart

heavy because it was full of sorrow

I looked out on to the horizon

you were slowly drifting out of my sight

I thought you set sail towards new lands

I thought the tides of someone else’s ocean

had swept you to their shores

so many days you were lost at sea

I wondered if the tides would ever change their course

and return you back to me

then I saw your signal the beacon of light

the tides had granted me my wishes and guided you safely back to me

you moored yourself by my side

I made a promise to myself ( to you) to keep you safe

to never let you drift off back out to sea

because I will always keep your anchor secure, safe in my heart

where it was meant to be

May contain Rants

Today we have a tomorrow

22/05/201328/08/2015 Fin4 Comments

We talked and talked
A serious conversation
ground rules set
and then the relief
the heartache lifted
we laughed and laughed
I don’t think we’ve laughed that much
in a long while
I’ve missed your laughter , your smile,
I’ve missed you
you asked how long could I stay
I said “I am yours for the rest of the evening ”
I was sat on the balcony having a cigarette
I was watching you in the kitchen
God you looked so beautiful
you came to join me
you came up behind me
wrapped your arms around my waist
you perched your chin on my shoulder
you embraced me with your love
we just stood there in silence
content with feel of each others skin
God I’ve missed you, missed this
then I sensed your posture changed
you spun me round
and looked at me
there was a worried look in your eye
“We’re going okay aren’t we, me and you” you asked me
“Of course we are” I replied
I cupped your face in my hands
I kissed you
God how I missed your kisses
I clasped your hands in mine
I told you there and then today we have a tomorrow
tomorrow we have a future
a future a life together
but tonight we have love to share
and I led you inside
come on I said “Let me show
you how I know we are okay “…
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

I can read you like a book.

19/05/201326/08/2015 FinLeave a comment

My head is full of words

Words you told me yesterday of promises and wants

You say come round we’ll discuss it more

But really we know what would happen behind closed doors

A trail of discarded mess and we would ended up bed

Leaving me with you going around and around in my head

See you say you miss me you want to try work things out

But I read your mind; I can read you like a book

Really all your saying is you're missing is the fucks

I’m not being harsh I miss them too

We keep doing this thing with perpetual motion

We’re toying and playing with our emotions

We brush over things for momentary pleasures

Then a quick fuck turns into you staying for the night,

You move in and weeks of wonderful passion, we’re satisfied

Until one of us wakes up and thinks things through

So you take your leave or I ask you to

See I never ever thought I’d fall in love with you

So NO is answer to the question

You proposed to me the other day

We can’t just be fuck buddies me and you and I

I have too much respect for us

I know you do too!

But your words, they dont speak the truth

You’re not thinking straight cos you’re not missing the fucks

This is not you! I know deep down your heart is torn in two

I feel your pain because it's my pain too

You think you need comfort from a quick fuck

But deep deep down you know it’s more than that

It's the fear of losing our love

That makes you say the things you do

I know because I can read you like a book.

May contain Rants

First Times

16/05/201316/05/2013 FinLeave a comment

I stand alone with my solitary shadow

with hands empty longing to touch you

with too much time I haven’t got

I spend filling it with regret and if’s and but’s

hours get lost along with me

I sit with cigarette in hand

tears slowly fall and I blame the smoke

I sit and reminiscence of so many memories of beautiful times

the time I first saw you

I’d beamed you were (are) so beautiful

the first kiss ,

I smirked (I cupped your face in my hands)

the first time we touched

I smiled ( I held you so tight I knew I should never let you go)

the first time I saw you naked

I was in awe of you (you relit feelings so deep I forgot they were there)

the first time we made love

I was aroused by you (God remember how nervous we were)

And when we realised our love was lost to the complications of life ( I cried)

I stood alone with my solitary shadow watching

the waves crash against the rocks and I cried a little more.

May contain Rants

May our lives always collide

15/05/201318/06/2017 Fin2 Comments

You breathed life back into me

I rediscovered my inner child out with you

You filled my world with laughter and fun

You filled my heart with so much love, so much passion

Something that had been stolen and denied to me for so long

Not one day did I not enjoy sharing with you

Not one night did we not look forward to sharing ourselves

You counselled me , opened me up , rid me of my demons

You allowed me to share secrets I held ashamed enclosed within

With you I found contentment , an inner a peace

But yet I was always running away from you

Because I never wanted you to be the one to leave ,

But always you’d run after me ,always with a kiss you reassured me

That whatever life throws at us we will never be at war you and me and

I do believe you

But know one thing no one will ever touch my soul like you do

With time , with space , we will redefined our relationship

Not again as lovers but as friends and one day not far from now

We will sit side by side on the fence leaning towards happiness

Because our lives were always meant to collide

May contain Rants

Our Bed

13/05/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

I counted today how many days it has been

since you shared our bed,

it’s sixteen

And yet I still cannot bring myself to invade your space

So I remain lying still here on my side

With back turned away from the void

Where your frame once laid

Naked, still and so beautiful

Our bed full of happy times, sensual times, contented times

Stressful times of when you were ill, which I try to forget

Our bed … our haven, our own Utopia, our paradise, our private place.

A place for late night passion and early morning chats and cups of tea

Bedtime reading and flirtatious teasing

A place we watched full moons and constellations

And the rising sun and changing seasons

A place where we begin the working day

And looked forward to weekend play

A place that now feels as lost as me

where I now lie

still here on my side

With back turned away from the void

Trying desperately not to cry

May contain Rants

Joie de vivre

12/05/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

I am lacking in joie de vivre

My brain has stopped properly functioning

Since things went wrong and you left again

My brain over thinks

It’s over worked

With thoughts of you

Play, pause, rewind,

Memories of happier times on a loop of you, me, us

I try so desperately try to recall your touch

I so miss the feel of you, the warmth of you, the love of you

My body aches for you

Melancholy invades me again

Too many emotions are contained fighting within

I need so much sleep

I could sleep for a hundred days

But then there is the emptiness,

But I so need empty, I so need space

I need the void to wallow in

To recovery, to gather strength

Within these walls of silence

To find my joie de vivre without you

May contain Rants

Goodbye, I wish you well my love…

10/05/201320/04/2017 Fin4 Comments

Allow me the space, the time to grieve for you

to come to terms that our time has past

Let me focus on the present

Let me move forward into my future without you

Allow me to hold on to the memories

of your touch

Allow me to hold onto the memories

of your kisses

Let me smile once in a while

whenever I think of you and I will wish you well my love

I will wish you the love that you deserve

that I so wanted to give to you

but couldn’t

I wish you happiness

the freedom to enjoy all the love you deserve

Allow her take you away for illicit weekends in romantic cities

to places I would have loved to have taken you to but couldn’t

Allow her shower you with love

to put you on that pedestal that you deserve to adorn

as I always did

In return I ask only this

That you think of me once in a while

and

please never take her to Angel Bay

please leave it untouched

let always remain full of our love

and the memories of you and me.

In return I will let you go

with my blessing,

with my love

and

I will wish you well.

May contain Rants

Tell me

06/05/201320/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

Tell me how I should feel (because I do not how I should feel)

Tell me if this pain you left me with will heal (in time I hope it will)

Tell me if this bed will ever stop feeling so lonely (without you to share it)

Tell me if that look you gave me today wasn’t full of regret (because you know it was)

Tell me I’m wrong (Your eyes could never lie to me)

Tell me you don’t still care (because I know you do)

Why else did choose to be with me today instead of her (did she know where you were?)

Tell me

May contain Rants

I was, You did, Were we?

30/04/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

I was naïve to the real you

I was blinded by your beauty

I was hungry for your touch

I was once so in love with you

I WAS

You did tarnish the image I had of you in the end

You did show me how ugly you became in the end

You did starve me of real affection in the end

You did give away the love you once had for me in the end

YOU DID

Were we?

Were we once?

Were we once so?

Were we once so in?

Were we once so in love?

WERE WE?

May contain Rants

You are

25/04/201304/05/2017 FinLeave a comment

You are the goodnight kiss that sends me to me to my slumber

I am lucky

You are the dawn chorus that gently wakes me from my dreams

I am lucky

You are the winter sun that keeps me warm on cold cold days

I am lucky

You are the anchor of my vessel you keep me

safe when storms would drown me

I am lucky

You are the constant star that guides me home (when I am lost)

I am lucky to have you