father – May contain Rants

“Our Father

That art in heaven

Hallowed be thy name”

When I was at school

Every morning without fail

We stood in assembly

We recited this prayer

I knew it was a prayer to G_d

So why call him Father?

My father was very much alive

But now my father has passed

I still don’t relate to this prayer

Because I know my father

Could not be in heaven

Not that he was evil

or damn to Hell

He was good man in many ways

He had a free spirit

So somehow I know that the

Pearly gates wouldn’t confine him

His spirit soars free with the wind

And dives in the oceans

Sometimes he’s closer to home

To visit places

and

people he loved so much

He no longer needs to knock

We know he is there

We see his orb dart into sight

Sometimes it the tiniest of dots

That disappears with blink of an eye

But knowing he’s there

Showing us he still cares

There are times he doesn’t visit for weeks

I don’t get disheartened

Sometimes its enough to know

That he’s not confided

Behind the Pearly Gates

So wherever you are today Dad

May your spirit always be free

Let it soar on wind

And bring you home

To visit me

Sometimes I look in the mirror and check the make up

Not cosmetically,

But the physiological make up that makes me

Sometimes I look and see the confidence

The strength with every new line that appears

But sometimes (rarely now)

I see a child’s image reflect back at me

The eight years old (me)

Weak, timid, no voice and a million fears created

by the violent noises that surrounded me

From my Jekyll and Hyde father

Memories that sometimes are so clear,

I am back there, hiding behind the sofa as a battle is fought

In the living room

It’s a noise that never leaves you

I hate violent noise

Angry voices still now

I shun those’s who take me back to hear this noise

these days I fight for the underdog, the supressed , those who feel like I felt

when mother’s shout and scream at their child

I offer a reassuring smile

to comfort to send a message not all adults scream and shout

some of us smile

so maybe when they’re grown they won’t remember

the violent noise that came from their mother mouth

maybe just maybe they will remember

the stranger that gave them that reassuring smile

and when they are grown maybe they will look in the mirror

And see an image a of smiling face starring back at them

Now normally at this of the day I’ve either written, or am about to write or have the formation of a poem in my head but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about my father. Those of you have followed this blog since it started in December will be aware that in the early part of my life , well will know that my father and I, we didn’t have the best of relationships due to his alcoholism. It was only until I was 22 that he finally admitted he had a problem and got help for his illness, (because it is an illness) did we have a really close relationship, although despite his illness, from being a small child I had always worshiped (the sober him ). But today I just really really miss him.

He passed away 9 years ago to a rare illness called Guillain–Barré syndrome (GBS) that effects only about one person in 100,000 every year. It is an awful illness , he developed shortly after having cancer surgery, on the day he was due to be discharged from hospital ,we sat and watch a physically strong man even though he had suffered cancer succumb to this disease, paralysed him from the neck down .He deteriorated over a period of eight weeks until his body could take no more as he developed secondary cancer and I had to make that decision no ever should have to take and that was turn his life support system off, we held his hand and watched him pass to I believe a better place.

During those eight weeks we use to sit with him for hours, held his hands and I would hum The Beatles songs to him (his favorite was Blackbird) or we’d read to him, or we put the CD player on and let him listen to the Goon shows and Spike Milligan ( he was a huge fan). It calmed him down because he used to get distressed being on a ventilator, during those eight weeks we became incredible close.

His loss has never left us nor will it ever, as I am sure anyone reading this who have lost a love one will understand. We talk about him all the time because it keeps him here. The only regret is he never met Jo my partner, he would of adored her and she him, I think they would of got on really well and at least they would have been able to have shared a conversation in their mother tongue – Welsh.

It’s strange how the overwhelming loss of someone hits you at certain times, but saying that not one day goes by that I don’t think of him , it’s just sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming. What’s even stranger is that they make their presence felt at the most strangest times too. Whenever I wish my dad was here you can guarantee I will find a penny in the most strangest places, same when I need guidance from him , low and behold I get up and find a penny . This goes for my mum too she’s found pennies in the strangest places too .It like they are a message from him saying don’t worry I am still around looking over you Today my mum found a penny in her bathroom, just at time she needed it. . I like getting pennies from heaven they give me comfort, never stop sending them dad. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that poem about the pennies he has sent, in the mean time we will just keep putting them in the jar.

Nine years ago

Has gone in an instance

Nine years ago

You left us

Nine years ago

My life was turned upside down,

I had to step up to the plate

Nine years ago

and we still miss your laughter

Nine years ago

how was it possible for you to succumb to this terrible illness?

a man of your stature

Nine years ago

over two hundred people flocked to show their respect

and to say their goodbyes to you

But tomorrow only three will remember you

out of those two hundred people that showed their faces that day,

The one’s still here, the ones that are left

Will they even remember its nine years ago

and we are still very much bereft

The bird is an animal almost universally exalted and accepted as symbolically being associated with the soul, as a messenger of the gods, carriers of souls, and an oracle or seen to possess the spirit of loved ones whilst also being a symbol of good or evil. ….. Carl G. Jung, the psychiatrist, said that birds represented the inner spirit of a person and that birds were seen to be associated with angels, flight’s of fancy and the supernatural.

I see you perched there Mr Robin

Silently watching

Observing my every move

Without fail, you are always here, present

I see your bend , still watching

As I kneel to tend to the flowers that surround

My father resting place

You attentively listen as I converse with my father

As if he is was stood /sat listening to me as you do

I’d tell him of how I miss him, how I love him,

How my life’s been ,that for once I am happy,

That I have found love

I’d tell him all about Jo and how I wished he’d met her,

I’d tell how I miss his laughter, G_d do I miss his laughter

I see your head lean in sympathy at my loss

I swear if your wings were arms you would wrap them around

My grief strickenframe and comfort me

As the tears rolled down my cheeks

I as I leave, I take one last look back

stop

I whisper in my head “See soon Dad, I love you”

If I could understand your song

I hope you sing a song

of reassurance

to promise

keep him safe ,

look over him,

keep him company

until I return again…

A thousand tears I have shed

since that fateful day I sat besides you on

what became your deathbed

A million memories whirl within my head

since that day the nurse told me were dead

A hundred regrets I have of things I should have said

I should have told you how much I loved you and more

since that day I have tried desperately to block out and ignore

An emptiness that lingers deep within my soul now exists

A sadness that invades my thoughts now persists

I shall remember a billion recollections of those times I treasure of you

in the hope they get me through

now that you have passed no longer to to return

People say time is a great healer but normality has now fled

it has been stolen

sorrow and silence is all that is left

So how can I resume to carry on

now that you have left me alone and bereft

Just because I don’t wear black

doesn’t mean I do not mourn

Just because tears do not fall from eyes

doesn’t mean I haven’t cried a thousand times inside

Just because I don’t mention his name everyday

doesn’t mean I forgotten his memory it is present with me everyday

Missing him is a pain I have to endure

there is no cure

This is my normality now

At five I thought I had the best toy box ever, it didn’t have a lid, or painted motifs

Mine had handles and a zip. I remember taking it on overnight trips when we stayed with my mother’s family

At six I thought all daddies could be Jekyll and Hyde

and needed to drink in order to survive

At seven I thought people kept ornaments’ in houses to throw

I look at objects of the past now and think why would you throw something

so beautiful with all the intensions of hate

At eight I realised there was a fine between love and hate

kisses meant love and slaps, kicks punches equalled hate

At nine and ten I remember how much I despised you but

how I craved your love

Then came my teens, well I never gave a thought of you

I was going through enough shit, thanks to you

At twenty I pitied you, your need for solace from the bottle

I could see in your eyes how much you wanted to rid yourself of your demons

At twenty one I admired you, your demons gone, you’d asked for help

you became the man my mother knew was always there.

That’s why she never gave up on you

At twenty two until I was twenty three I came to forgive you because you couldn’t forgive yourself.

Then came twenty four until

you died we finally achieved the relationship we should have always had

Then in my thirties you were gone

and now here I am in my forties and I miss more than ever before

I cowered curled hiding behind the couch

I was a child when you began ravaging my haven

The gallery for the pictures that I drew

They’d been hung with love and wonder

But you didn’t care if they became your casualties

You were hungry looking for your next feast

Searching for demonic bottle or the ransom to barter for it

I heard raised voices,

the loudness ,

the screams ,

the shouts of your demands

it was violent noise

I screwed my eyes so tight, as if the dark would plunge me into another land

But it didn’t , then came the slap,

I heard it ricochet off her skin

I knew I had to come from behind my parapet

Like David you were my Goliath

I stood before you my creator

I would not allow my habour of love be destroyed by you

I did not need stones to break you

A look into your eyes, into your soul is all it took

I witness the demons leave

With a fall to the knees you cried

Whilst my mother held you

Tag: father

Spirit soar free…

Look in the mirror and smile

Tonight I write about my father.

Nine years ago

The Robin

Black Friday

Wearing Black

Timelines

The Battle