May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Rainbows in our windows …

Happy new year we cheered
Fresh starts
New beginnings
New love
New life
for some
Then things changed
Things started to get weird, strange times were just around the corner
And all those hopes and dreams were temporarily put on hold
For something that was beyond our control
Mass panic buying in shops
Disreguard  for those not as fortunate as ourselves
As they looked disbondently at
All the empty shelves
Human contact was restrictly forbidden
And we were forced to stay apart  from those we love
We socially distanced two metres apart
Latex gloves ,hand gel ,face masks became the norm
We found time to reflect on all the things that really mattered
We cleaned
We baked
We pottered in the garden
We zoomed
Skirting boards gleamed as we sat in the  garden
Face timing friends as we ate banana bread
We washed our hands to the
tune of happy birthday
We clapped on Thursday for
all those who kept us safe and kept us going
and we morned those who passed
as the numbers kept on rising
Acts of kindness
Each gesture was never too small and under appreciated
And soon we pray that isolation will be over
And whenever that time maybe
Because with everything
There is always a start , a middle and an end
This is not forever
So for those of us who have been apart
When this is done never let go of those who hold a special place in your heart
Mehefin Bolland  2020

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Tonight I write about my father.

Now normally at this of the day I’ve either written, or am about to write or have the formation of a poem in my head but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about my father. Those of you have followed this blog since it started in December will be aware that in the early part of my life , well will know that my father and I,  we didn’t have the best of relationships due to his alcoholism. It was only until I was 22 that he finally admitted he had a problem and got help for his illness, (because it is an illness) did we have a really close relationship, although despite his illness, from being a small child I had always worshiped (the sober him ). But today I just really really miss him.

He passed away 9 years ago to a rare illness called Guillain–Barré syndrome (GBS) that effects only about one person in 100,000 every year. It is an awful illness , he developed shortly after having cancer surgery, on the day he was due to be discharged from hospital  ,we sat and watch  a physically strong man even though he had suffered cancer succumb to this disease, paralysed him from the neck down .He deteriorated  over a period of eight weeks until his body could take no more as he developed secondary cancer and I had to make that decision no ever should have to take and that was turn his life support system off, we held his hand and watched him pass to I believe a better place.

During those eight weeks we use to sit with him for hours, held his hands and I would hum The Beatles songs to him (his favorite was Blackbird) or we’d read to him, or we put the CD player on and let him listen to the Goon shows and Spike Milligan ( he was a huge fan). It calmed him down because he used to get distressed being on a ventilator, during those eight weeks we became incredible close.

His loss has never left us nor will it ever,  as I am sure anyone reading this who have lost a love one will understand. We talk about him all the time because it keeps him here. The only regret is he never met Jo my partner, he would of adored her and she him, I think they would of got on really well and at least they would have been able to have shared a conversation in their mother tongue – Welsh.

It’s strange how the overwhelming loss of someone hits you at certain times, but saying that not one day goes by that I don’t think of him , it’s just sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming. What’s even stranger is that they make their presence felt at the most strangest times too. Whenever I wish my dad was here you can guarantee I will find a penny in the most strangest places, same when I need guidance from him , low and behold I get up and find a penny . This goes for my mum too she’s found pennies in the strangest places too .It like they are a message from him saying don’t worry I am still around looking over you Today my mum found a penny in her bathroom, just at time she needed it. . I like getting pennies from heaven they give me comfort, never stop sending them dad. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that poem about the pennies he has sent, in the mean time we will just keep putting them in the jar.

pennies

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Random true thoughts ( because it’s raining )

pillsThe rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their  negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are  being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But  for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

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Random true thoughts ( because it's raining )

pillsThe rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their  negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are  being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But  for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

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This week has been a warning

[youtube=http://youtu.be/DtZp7MQE2ZM

Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.

The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .

I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.

I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies

But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x

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Thoughts of my Father

fathers dayMy girlfriend said to me this morning

You’re quiet, are you ok?

I told her I was thinking about you today, Dad

I told her I was in reflective mood

That I was trying to remember the good times but

All I can remember is the bad

I told her how it made me sad.

We had good times, didn’t we?

But the demons I inherited are blocking my train of thought

I try to remember you, the man I looked up to but all I can

See is the drunk in the Don Draper suit.

I know you were good, that you were kind,

I know you were extremely funny

But today I can’t remember those times, and I so want to.

You were present my whole life, but absent for half of it

In some inebriated dream you hung on to

Whilst I tried so desperately to please you

I always craved for your love, I still do!

Did you love me Dad; I still don’t know the answer to that

Because you never did say

There are things I wished we talked about,

Things I now only say to you in dreams

My mother tells me I am  like you,

In honesty this chills me to my core

I always thought I was nothing like you

Then I look in the mirror

I see I am

Yes I have flaws

I’m not perfect

I have my weakness

My demons

But most of all I have strength to over come

Whatever life throws at me

I have a kindness I instil on to others

I make people smile, well most of the time

And then I realise I am like you , just in another form

Then it hits me this morning that

I’m grateful for those things inherited from you

I’m thankful I was your only child

I’m thankful for you my complex father

That I do miss you and have always loved you (Always will)

So Happy Father’s Day

To you my dad the one time drunk in the Don Draper suit

Where ever your spirit soars

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

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The visit

dragon 2Today it’s me who has the nervous twitch

My mood has taken a turn for the worse

You try and make me smile by dancing round the bedroom floor

But I can’t shift this feeling inside

It’s the thought of the visit from your mother

It’s knowing right now she is driving over on the M56

To darken this beautiful day with overcast clouds of doom

We both know the scenario of the day ahead

She’ll be overbearing like she usually is

She’ll have that distained look upon her face that wishes me dead

She has ways of telling me I’m too old for you, that

I don’t have the prospects that she wants for you

I know she thinks I’ll never be good enough for you

I’ve tried to learn to love her, after all she part created you

But she doesn’t really want to know

We tolerate each other for the sake of you

We both know she hates your choices in life

That you turned you’re back on your rich life style

That she has difficulty in accepting your sexuality

She’ll hate the fact she can’t break us, no matter how hard she tries

But what she forgets is together we’re strong

That the love we share is an unconditional bond

She makes comments whether there needed or not

She’ll come with a hidden agenda

But I’m hoping she won’t try and upset you like she usually does

So I wish for the hours to quickly roll on by

So we can say “Don’t come back soon and goodbye.”

Then when it’s dark and she has gone promise me

We can be both dance round the bedroom floor

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

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Goodbye

uncle 2

Silently, with heart full of grief

With so much love

I will follow you on your last journey

Deep in thought I will sit quietly and pray for you

As we gather to say goodbye

I will  keep in my heart

all the times

You were there when my father was not

I remember you saying to me

“Do not be too hard on your father

that what he had was an illness, that he is a good man and

he does love you”

 as usual you were right

You had such compassion, just like my Grandfather

I will always be thankful for the shelter and the safety

You gave my mother and I when it was needed

and

times were hard

I thank you for  every holiday you gave me  

For allowing me to have some memories of a happy childhood

I thank you for your acceptance in my choices in love

You never judged, you just embraced anyone that loved me

You beamed at every exam I passed

 As proud as my father was

You always praised me for the way I care  for my mother

You told me “Your Grandfather would be so proud of you”

Those words mean more to me than anything that has ever been said to me

when you needed help

 I had to be there, to repay  you for every single thing you did for me

so tomorrow ,I your niece will silently with heart full of grief

 with so much love

will follow you on your last journey

and if you are looking over my shoulder

Always know that I  will always miss you

because you were always more than just an Uncle to me  

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

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For my uncle

We sitlp

We talk

We listen

Machines beep, flash

Exhale and inhale

We hold your hands

We stroke your face

To bring you peace

and to bring us comfort

But reality says you are not there

But clinically you are very much here

Centre of our attention (you hate fuss)

I see my mother silently reciting the Mi Sheberakh

for you

sleep long

sleep peacefully

sleep

sleep

bless you go quietly

bless you go with dignity

bless you pass surrounded by love.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

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3 hours sleep and the ramblings of a 47 year old woman !

impromptu posting . Not had much sleep, about 3 hours. These days I don’t function well without at least 8 hours .

I couldn’t sleep because today my mum has her biopsies done regarding the skin cancer. I knew my mum, wouldn’t sleep and I knew the girlfriend couldn’t sleep and she needed  to because she got work today, so I went to sleep in the spare room. So now I have migraine coming on because A) lack of sleep and B) Worry..

Another reason, the main reason( because I have every faith my mum will be ok )  why I couldn’t sleep is that I was thinking  of the girlfriend who is evidently prominent in my work on here. We had a small break at the beginning of the year, because the 6 months prior had been in a nutshell STRESSED , because of illness , her’s illness ,her mother recovering from illness and my mother’s illness . It seems we’re so busy tending to the sick that we forget to look after ourselves. Also due to previous serious 2 relationships and 2 which were semi serious , incidentally they all turned out to be head fucks, I am wary of lesbians ,.

J is the first  woman I have met in a long time who is lets say is normal . She is an affectionate, nice, caring, smart  and funny woman all the attributes I look for in a women , but added bonus she’s beautiful, ultra fem i(f your in UK she looks a lot like Lydia Bright) , background wise we have so little in common that you  think how, what , when did end up together .Her family very affluent (which she doesn’t care about),they have houses all over UK  and in South of France , she was privately educated and I’m old enough to be her mother.  Yet we ended up together .I’m still figuring that one out. BUT WE CLICKED STRAIGHT AWAY and I don’t think anyone has opened me up more , helped me deal with demons from my past more than her  and I know no one has ever made me as happy as she does,  but……….

We’ve been back 4 weeks and things are really good , as I said she is my soul mate but because my mum received the cancer news 2 weeks ago J moved back in and things have been full on since. But really if we continued at this speed we will be apart again before you know. So how can I say thanks for sorting us out but can you move back into your apartment and I see you at the weekends and maybe a couple of times in the week  because things are moving TOO QUICK  without sounding callous. Because I know one day we (More importantly I) will do this once too often and there with be no going back .

Anyway whatever happens doesn’t change our feelings for each other , but at 47 WHY CAN’T I GET MY ACT TOGETHER.I really need to take the advice off that old couple we met the other day and just be bloody happy!!

My mum never interferes in my relationships, especially not J because she adores her but she does refer to us as the lesbian version of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, cant live with each other but  cant be apart. not quiet knowing which one of us is Richard ( probably me), and can we sort things out once and for all because she’d really like to buy a hat!!

anyway get today over with  and be there for mum and tonight /tomorrow chat with J.

No wonder I suffer from migraine’s

Finn x

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Reassurance needed

Reassurance

 

She needs reassurance

She wants to know the answer to

Questions I don’t know

 Like “Will I lose my hair again?”

“What treatment do you think I will have?”

“Will I have to stay in hospital?

She needs reassurance

I give half hearted answers sometimes, I lie

And reply,

“You might do, but only a little maybe”

“ I’m not too sure “

“I don’t think so”

It makes me feel bad but how can I say nothing,

remain silent when …

She needs reassurance

She sad, she has been weeping most of the day,

She tells me she doesn’t have the fight in her any more,

is older and life is too difficult sometimes,

 I hold her so tight as if to take all of the burden from her.

I tell her my father is about, guiding, looking after her like always

She needs reassurance

I can tell the things that I do know though

That I will be by her side

 At every appointment,

During every treatment

When she needs to be nursed, I will be there

I will brighten up her darkest days

I will be there when she’s cured

I will be there when we  will beat  this disease

This she can  be assured 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

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Twiddley thumbs up, everything with be ok

003An impromptu posting.

Two days ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It is not a bad cancer (if cancer could ever be described as good)!

But in the scheme of cancers that has she has previously fought, this is a better cancer to fight (we hope, we have to remain positive)

She just went to the doctors with a mole on her wrist. A tiny thing that started to grow; now the doctor has reassured her it was ok but they referred to the hospital for further tests.

But they found another one further up her arm and more serious one on the side of her head. To be honest I had forgotten about that one and I was shocked at how much it had grown and how angry it looked)  at the moment they don’t know what kind of growth /tumour this is and unfortunately its near where she has had it before. The one on the wrist and arm are contained which is good news

But they now have to do biopsy on what kind of skin carcinoma, (A horrible word) because I said they don’t know, but they have wait about 2 weeks before she can have this done ,as she needs a  blood count done first, but to do this she has to stop a certain medication, .So we have what seems to be along 2 weeks to wait before we get any further news.

Obviously my mum was upset, as I was.  I comforted and hugged her, gave her assuring words which she couldn’t take in. But now  I  have be seen as remaining  strong, if I show her weakness to her or if she thinks I have been told something different than her ( my mum is profoundly deaf so I have to interpret for her )  she will worry and oh boy can she worry.

There is an added sadness to this , because it is just over 12 months ago that my mum’s oncologist gave her a clean bill of health after 20 years and told her she no longer had to take the cancer meds. After I took her out for coffee, I really wanted to take her to lunch to chat about what had occurred but neither of us felt like eating.

My girlfriend J arrive home and she tried talking to her (she is a cancer nurse); she seemed to be getting through to her but then the what if questions, came. I know my mum with time she will get things sorted in her head, and come out fighting, she won’t let  it beat  her. So as my mum use to say to me when I was little and I was scared , twiddley thumbs up everything with be ok. She will get her head around the procedures, and the treatments. She knows the score. She has had to deal with it six times before, far worst cancers than this and she is still here.

But friends, family, people are offering to light candles, say prayers. Now this may be their way of dealing with it but I keep telling them politely please don’t, save for those who will think it will give them comfort. I get no solace, from god screwing up again. I would ask the question why my mother has been set tests all her life. She is a woman who doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. A woman who has never abused her body yet she is tested. Well if it’s for courage she passes, if it’s for strength of character she passes with distinction., but me and god fell out along time ago.

Anyway were off to Wales tomorrow spend the day with my girlfriends folks, take my mum to pay her respects to my dad ( his ashes are scattered not far.)  Hopefully go beach walking with J, clear my the head for the weeks to come. If I could get mum on the beach I’d take her beach walking too.

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Black Friday

 

dad

 

A thousand tears I have shed

since that fateful day I sat besides you on

what became your deathbed

A million memories whirl within my head

since that day the nurse told me were dead

A hundred regrets I  have of things I should have said

I should have told you how much I loved you and more

since that day I have tried desperately to block out and ignore

An emptiness that lingers deep within my soul now exists

A sadness that invades my thoughts now persists

I shall remember a billion recollections of those times I treasure of you

in the hope they get me through

now that you have passed no longer to to return

People say time is a great healer but normality has now fled

it has been stolen

sorrow and silence is all that is left

So how can I resume to carry on

now that you have left me alone and bereft

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved.

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Wearing Black

Just because I don’t wear blackblack

doesn’t mean I do not mourn

Just because tears do not fall from eyes

doesn’t mean I haven’t cried a thousand times inside

Just because I don’t mention his name everyday

doesn’t mean I forgotten his memory it is present with me everyday

Missing him is a pain I have to endure

there is no cure

This is my normality now

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

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The Girl in the Photograph

onesee the girl in the photograph

she is at her grandfather’s house

he is pulling funny facing trying to make her laugh,

make her smile

she’s just a few months over one

the girl in lace topped cotton socks

and highly polished shoes

her whole life before her

her future unknown

she didn’t know then

how she would learn to run and hide

when ever she heard violent noise

how she felt safe in her mother’s arms

how they forge bond so tight it would never be broken

because of the things they’d go through

how she didn’t like to go to school

because the bullies would be waiting

how the teachers would say she was stupid

how her mother would fight with them and  tell her

she was bright.

little  did she know that demons would try to become her friends

how they’d  like to play with her mind

how their stay would become unwelcome

how she grow in strength and stature

how her heart would be filled with love for others

she’d sometimes forget to love herself

she didn’t know it then that the husband and

2.4 children would never occur

that she grow up being attracted to girls

that she would have her heart broken  so many times ,

but she’d also break a few on her journey too.

this little girl didn’t know it back then that her mother would become ill

so weak, have to deal  with so so much pain

lose her independence

that doctors would instruct to say her goodbyes to her

on more than one occasion 

little did she know she would turn her back on G_d

because her question

“Why do you put my mother through so much pain,

what did she do to you that was so wrong?” would never be answered

that this little girl would one day solely care for her mother day by day

would dress, shower and unconditionally love her .

how she would lose  and mourn  love ones , forgive love ones and find new love ones

but I know one thing for sure that little girl is still smiling

even though sometimes have been difficult for her

I know because that little girl me.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

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Timelines

mom dad

At five I thought I had the best toy box ever, it didn’t have a lid, or painted motifs

Mine had handles and a zip.  I remember taking it on overnight trips when we stayed with my mother’s family

At six I thought all daddies could be Jekyll and Hyde

and needed to drink in order to survive

At seven I thought people kept ornaments’ in houses to throw

I look at objects of the past now and think why would you throw something

so beautiful with all the intensions of hate

At eight I realised there was a fine between love and hate

kisses meant love and slaps, kicks punches equalled hate

At nine and ten I remember how much I despised you but

how I craved your love

Then came my teens, well I never gave a thought of you

I was going through enough shit, thanks to you

At twenty I pitied you, your need for solace from the bottle

I could see in your eyes how much you wanted to rid yourself of your demons

At twenty one I admired you, your demons gone, you’d asked for help

you became the man my mother knew was always there.

That’s why she never gave up on you

At twenty two until I was twenty three I came to forgive you because you couldn’t forgive yourself.

Then came twenty four until

you died  we finally achieved the relationship we should have always had

Then in my thirties you were gone

and now here I am in my forties and I miss more than ever before

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

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the power of words = Love , Passion and being Alive!

Another impromptu posting . I originally started  this blog  back in November because I have written forever and I wanted to write again, I needed to write again , not for anyone else but just to clear my head of its thoughts. I don’t  have an ego although I write poetry …go figure ,What i mean is  I dont write for popularity etc etc  , Take me or leave me . I don’t profess to be any good, my poems are straight from the heart from me ,  ,all bio or semi biographical so maybe the ego does come through , but i like/hope to think they are  a release more than anything.. I’m honoured people like, that’s a plus ,so thank you x

In 2009 I stop writing , for two reasons my mother was seriously ill and  I took 15 months of work to nurse her, she pulled through,  proving she is the strongest woman I know alive or dead and two I finally began  grieving my father for the for time since in his death in 2004, it took me  5 years to get to that point.

Earlier posts have described our relationship from me being a child to me an adult , when died. I’m glad we found peace with each other and that we had at least 15 good years to rebuild our relationship, I loved him so much and miss even , more now . I forgave him for my childhood , because he couldn’t forgive himself. Anyway I also started a new relationship in 2009 with a nurse who looked after my mother , she’s the muse in most of my poems and my soul mate .

Anyway we split in Feb for stupid personal reasons,not my choice, she moved out of my house and I started writing again to keep a) Sane and b) to keep busy . Unbeknows to me  the girlfriend  had been reading and realised how I felt ,and as result were back together ,  we’ve gone back to basics to discover why we fell in love with each other again. (No doubt future poems) So the moral of the story Words will always win.

Anyway the link  is Andrea Gibson , who I bow to, I could listen to her forever , anyway I love her poetry , so heres just one of them, which is appropriate for discovering a new lover  …..enjoy.

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The wait

An hour you left me waitingschool-gates-006

It seemed like forever

I did not know what I should I do

Should I come to you?

But I feared your voice, so I waited

Until the sky started to leave me

I was upset , I was crying

I knew I had to leave with the sky  too

So began the walk, I remember the old buildings

Each one marking a step closer to you

Then I saw our door, it was locked

I looked through the window , there was you in your inebriated state

Blissfully lying unaware what had unfolded

I waited for an hour,  cold and hungry

Then my mother arrived

and there was THE noise,

After that I never got picked up from the school gates again

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

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A Cure for Demons

I am not one of those people who inherited pictures and trinketsdemons 1

Some precious family heirloom handed down the generations

I inherited demons, the sort of demons that cant be wrapped in brown paper

to be stowed away in attics or draws and forgotten.

My demons keep my shadows company when there is no sun

Bequeathed on me are demons that try to break me

They whisper to me in the darkness, try to persuade me

with their demonic thoughts.

These malignant creatures cannot be tamed or squashed

no measurement of potions, lotions or absolutions will defeat

them in their cause.

I tried to guard myself with sobriety, but even then, the need to abstain is torturous

but over the years I come to realise that my demons don’t like love ,you see

it makes the scuttle towards my shadows looking for company

For they don’t like me to be happy.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

The Battle

I cowered curled hiding behind the couchteddy

I was a child when you began ravaging my haven

The  gallery for the  pictures that I drew

They’d been hung with love and wonder

But you didn’t care if they became your casualties

You were hungry looking for your next feast

Searching for demonic bottle or the ransom to barter for it

I heard raised voices,

the loudness ,

the screams ,

the shouts of your demands

it was violent noise

I screwed my eyes so tight, as if the dark would plunge me into another land

But it didn’t , then came the slap,

I heard it ricochet off her skin

I knew I had to come from behind my parapet

Like David you were my Goliath

I stood before you my creator

I would  not allow my habour of love be destroyed by you

I did not need stones to break you

A look into  your eyes, into your soul is all it took

I witness the demons leave

With a fall to the knees you cried

Whilst my mother held you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

Let me introduce you to my muse

Quick posting today and no poetry although my head is full of ideas . Anyway I’m going away for a few days as it’s my birthday on Wednesday , I will be 47 (O.M.G when did that happen ?) So I am taking my mum  to Cardiff Bay , Wales for a couple of days and then we’re off to Bath, in Somerset for two more days. It will be lovely to spend some quality time with her  ( I love her to pieces , you’ll have to look at my earlier blogs to understand why!)

The break was originally planned when I was still witg my ex (who we will refer to as J, ( ex sounds so final and abrupt) as combi get away because it was mothering Sunday yesterday here in the UK . It is my birthday as I said on Wednesday and it would have been J’s 26 birthday at the end of the month.

The trip is bitter-sweet because we we’re both looking forward to a few days away after such a horrendous 6 months. So going without her will be sad, although she did call round with my card and birthday present today.

Firstly J has an irregular heartbeat which decided to cause havoc and she was seriously ill and we nearly lost her..

The only positive thing to come out it was J’s mum finally accepted

A) Me as she realised how much I loved her daughter

B) The 21 year age gap between us

C) That her daughter was a lesbian

and  let’s face it the above weren’t important things in comparison to what we had been  dealing with.

 Pleased to say J is doing ok , and is well.Took a good three months for her to recover.

The other major thing was that my mother who is paraplegic had health issue’s just before Christmas which as I am her only carer  put a huge strain on J’s and my relationship, because we we’re both stressed out .

But I have always been very open with J right from the start of our relationship I cannot compromise the care of my mother for anyone or anything. As J is in the Health profession she fully understood the complications,but because of everything that had gone on in the last 6 months she couldn’t cope and  coupled with the age gap , her being at the beginning of her life path and me in the middle of mine and also now with the added problem of her health issue’s , we both sat down and agreed that we should part and that she go have space, live a little go places where I love to take but can’t because of my role as a caregiver. I don’t want her to miss out on anything life offers her . So we have separated , now only time will tell if this is permanent or not at the moment I have to tell myself it is permanent, cos with time the pain will ease.

We still love each other deeply she is my soul mate , without question but J has to get whatever fears, doubts out of her system now. I would rather her do this now and it be of her own choice than instead of resenting me 5 , 10 years down the road.

Anyway my poetry is keeping me focused. Can I take this opportunity to thank all those of you have liked my poems and to those of you who have now as result decided to follow my blog… Thank you ,it means a great deal as I having been dabbling with poetry for years but I’m very self critical and did not feel it worthy of sharing, anyway I have new creative confidence in posting more .

Anyway hopefully i will find another  muse whilst I am away and hopefully I will come back refreshed and armed with new work.

Finn x

May contain Rants

The White Box

buddha

I didn’t throw your memory away

I keep  it in my head and within my heart

I kept some thing’s and tidily put them away

in a white box with Buddha sitting on the top

Things you held, things you wore and things that still have your smell are in

the white box with Buddha sitting on the top

Silly really I kept these  things in case you came back

But I have now come to realise this will never be the case

You will never hold those things or wear those clothes that I kept for you

in the white box with Buddha sitting on the top.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

Steps to embracing Christmas and to letting go……

Well I said I would do a ‘Post Christmas’ Blog on how my attempts at embracing Christmas went this year, 

After my blog at the beginning of December my girlfriend and I decided to write a list of things that would help me ‘Embrace’ the Yuletide season ,one because I needed a plan (I function better if I have a list….. I’m anal that way… This will definitely discussed further in a future blog) and two I REALLY wanted to make good/new  memories for not just me but for my mum and my girlfriend.

Anyways step One …… Going for the tree , now as a lover of nature and all things outside as is my mum and my girlfriend we decided on a live tree , that’s to say one that was not cut at the base but one that could be replanted once Christmas was out-of-the-way.

So came the morning of said Christmas Tree shopping, which didn’t go without a hitch, I’d been the loft to retrieve the boxes of Decorations and, I had a massive panic attack which kicked in my asthma, because in retrieving the decorations I had flashbacks of Christmas 1973!. It took me a while to get over , but non the less once I calmed down off we went.

When we arrived there were an array of various trees of all shapes and size’s but most were cut at the base , which I found quite sad. Anyways in a small section of the Garden centre were the live trees and there was particular tree slightly bent, not as athletically pleasing to the eye because it wasn’t perfect and which had been placed in a corner almost out of sight. My girlfriend turned to me and said “That’s the one isn’t it?” , ” Yes” I replied.” anyway with tree bought off we drove home ready to decorate the tree.

Now I ask the girlfriend if I could decorate the tree alone, as this would be a real test for me because if there is one single thing that brings back the awful memories of Christmases gone by is the Christmas tree and Christmas decorations because it evokes a memory of a particular Christmas my dad needed drink, he hadn’t a drink for a couple of days and usually something would stir in him and he get a look in his eyes and he would flip because he had no money to buy any more alcohol and because non was ever kept in the house and he was desperate for a drink he took his frustration out on my mum because as usual she refused to pay for his addiction, that was when I usually had to intervene and literally part them or as on this occasion shield my mum from him and at 7 that was a scary thing to do, but it always stopped him, he usually then take his frustration out on anything in the house , throwing ornaments, damaging furniture and tearing photo’s up and on this particular occasion breaking every single tree bauble and destroying the tree whilst mum and I coward behind the sofa until he would leave the house and we would plan our escape and stay at my mum’s brother’s for the night whilst the demons left him and he put back together the house, the tree , the photo’s with his remorse! I particularly remember this more clearly than any other episode because the day before the destruction occurred my dad and I were playing , laughing and joking and putting the tree up together and he had shown so much love that day and with him destroying the tree it has always felt like a denouncement of his love, it was also the last time I ever decorated a tree with him or in fact enjoyed Christmas and at age 7 that in itself is very sad thing .So yes it was more poignant that I decorate the tree alone and try to remember that day my dad decorated the tree with me instead of him destroying it. I more importantly wanted to remember the love shared between my Dad and I that day. It emotionally drain me, I wept for about two hours afterwards but I had done it.

Step two…… Was a visit to the European Christmas markets held in the City centre. As my girlfriend said it would help me in knowing that not all images of Christmas have to be negative they can be positive. Although I’d been before without her but I had never really enjoyed the experience ,but this time I did manage to enjoy and soak up the atmosphere, it was also lovely spending a bit of time alone with her as things have been a bit manic of late as my mum hasn’t been that well and as I am my mum’s full-time carer we haven’t had any proper time alone together.

Step three …….. Presents, wrapping paper and sellotape. I decided to buy some small gifts for my mum and girlfriend, which I wrapped and hid until the big day.

It was at this point I started to become overwhelmed with the pressure of everything. One by the guilt of the blog I just written and two because of the memory that kept coming back every time I saw the Christmas tree.

Whilst all this was going on my mum had developed a serious infection, one that changed all our plans for Christmas. As we were going to spend Christmas day with my girlfriends parents and grandmother, obviously I couldn’t leave my mum and neither would my girlfriend leave us. I could see the same scenario of Christmas happening all over again. I was on complete edge and my girlfriend and I started to argue more and more until the point I used my mum’s infection to push her away , because I was so scared I was going to ruin Christmas for her and so I told her to go and spend Christmas with her parents. So she left , obviously I didn’t want her to go but what choice did I have. I had a sick mum to look after , I was on edge and could feel myself withdrawing I didn’t want that to be her memory or that of my mum’s for Christmas 2012. I cried all that day and when I wasn’t looking after my mum I spent it alone. During that evening ironically the Christmas tree fell over and that was it I cried like a baby. That evening my girlfriend returned and she wrote me a letter of all my faults cos she was mad at me and also in there was a letter which basically summed up my reason’s for hating Christmas , she is first one to actually realise what this fear/hate of Christmas was all about and that basically I associate Christmas with love , or more importantly the destruction of love. You see in all the time my dad was alive he never actually told me he loved me. I although he showed love , and I knew he loved me. I always doubted that the love was genuine, because of that one Christmas with that tree and how he had shown love one day but within the next day he destroyed it and that’s the thing that brings it back. As my girlfriend said all year you can convince yourself that he loved you but then Christmas comes and it brings all those doubts back again, one period in time ,not lasting no more than an hour has eaten away at me for forty years! As she said there was no doubt he loved me, if hadn’t of loved me he would have never accepted my sexuality which he did, with that there is no doubt. He wouldn’t have sung my praises as people she met have told her he did and how him and I were close and we were. As she said one moment in time, at time when my dad was ill should now be but to rest and so it has, as if it hadn’t I could not of explained that memory in detail, as I have done now.

We both put the tree back up and decorated it together and so the rest of Christmas went well, we all had a lovely time, my mum was feeling better , the table was set and lunch was delightful and we raised a glass to my dad, to our families, to happy memories and our love for each other , a perfect end to embracing perfect Christmas.

Next Blog a review of 2012 and my resolutions for 2013.

May contain Rants

It’s all in the genes!……….

Well its been about two maybe three weeks since my last blog. Christmas has come and gone and I will try to do a separate blog about how this Christmas went, hopefully sometime before New Year (all being well). But first I need to address two things regarding my last blog and also introduce you properly to my mum. Firstly I want to say thank you to some of my friends who sent private messages to me, your words meant a lot.

Secondly and more importantly posting the last blog although as cathartic as it was , did leave me feeling raw. I was racked with guilt and felt I had betrayed my dad and his memory because, one I don’t want people thinking my mother was a weak fragile doormat … she wasn’t and that I had a terrible childhood … I didn’t , yes there were lots of moments and episodes that I wish hadn’t happened but they did and yes subconsciously they did affect me and excuse me if I beat my own drum but  I actually think I’ve ended up  quite a well grounded sort of person considering everything that has happened, I know I’m definitely stronger than most people give me credit for.    

I also don’t want people thinking my dad was an awful man because that was not the case, especially in the years he stopped depending on drink. When my dad died he wasn’t the man who drank .He was the man who had hidden behind the drink for all those years. Looking back I strongly do feel that he had suffered from depressive episodes during his life, probably as result of his dad being murdered when he was 16 and unfortunately unlike my mum’s family ,he never received the correct support so he found solace in things that weren’t necessarily right but helped him with pain he felt at that moment and thus the vicious circle commenced!
You have to remember my father had been sober , free from addiction for a good few years when died,. He was a man who stood by his wife when she needed him most and remained there until he died, (despite their break up’s and there were many and their turbulent relationship, the violence which was definitely the worst aspect of his alcoholism, they never stopped loving each other.) I am very aware that my dad could easily have remained hidden behind a bottle because things got tough and believe me those early days/month’s and year’s of my mum’s illness were the toughest years I know I witnessed,but he didn’t, he dealt with his demons and was there when we both needed him the most and as result I became the woman I am now. Away from this illness that had taken so much of him , we discovered a wonderful man. A man of tolerance, kindness and generosity. A final testament to my dad’s character was the number of people who attended his funeral…. there were over 200 people in attendance , I still feel overwhelmed when I recall seeing all of them outside the church that August afternoon. So despite everything that happened , the bad memories I hold which unfortunately stain his character at Christmas, I will always be proud be his daughter.

Now as to every coin there are two sides, as this is the case with my character, the fundamental things that make me tick and ultimately what makes me want to write and make me value the things I believe in and I’m not necessarily referring to religious beliefs when I say that . I feel I should introduce you to my mum . How can I put it , she is singularly THE most important person in my life, (now I have a girlfriend who I adore and thankfully understands this and does not feel threatened by it.)

My mum has single-handedly taught me more about life and how to conduct myself through it than any other person alive or dead. But that’s to be attributed to the way she has conducted herself through her life .I feel it only right that I start at the beginning to explain what I mean when I say that. Now as a child at about 6 years old she became very ill and she developed T.B meningitis, she lost her mother at the age of 9 and also her eldest sister who was just 22 when she died , both her mother and sister also had T.B. My mum had an experimental operation which saved her life , but it was at the cost of her hearing . Now my mum was lucky enough to have a father who had a no-nonsense kind of attitude to life , who had not only just lost his wife, his eldest child and was also witness to his youngest daughter (my mum) fighting for her life. He also kept his remaining three children together, held down a full-time job,and didn’t have the privilege of care leave or child care as is the case today, in the late forties early 1950’s these things did not simply exist. Anyway after my mum spent two yeas in hospital , as a no-nonsense kind of man he paid for my mum to go to boarding school as he had the hindsight to know she needed a head start because there were no special provisions for disabled people back then. As result my grandfather’s intervention she ended up working in a hearing environment as a secretary.Remarkable for its time , never once has my mum ever let her disability stand in way, but unfortunately society and it’s environment have!

My mum went back into work working in a film archives as a cutter/editor when I was 8, I became a latch key child, this was at a time when my dad’s drinking was at its worst and money had to be put on the table namely by my mum!
When my mother was 45 the after effects of the experimental operation she had as child came back to haunt her and she began find it difficult to walk. she had a spinal operation which found adhesion’s from the medication used were slowly killing her nervous system and again down to the wonders of medicine my mum survived but at a further loss of her ability to walk, subsequently as this was happening, she also battled breast cancer twice and ovarian cancer and yet she is still with us. With not word of complaint. Nor has there ever been any moments she has felt sorry for herself. A true survivor in every sense of the word and as a result values her life more preciously than any other person I know and as out of respect I try to live my life in the same way. (Sometimes it is more difficult , than you think, but somehow her strength always gets me through!)

It’s important you also know I do not write these blogs to gain sympathy or anything egotistical, I purely write , one for myself because I enjoy writing as it calms my mind (because I have inherited the depressive gene off my dad!) and two I need to have a rant every so often because let’s be frank most people in this world are feckin annoying and stupid and are so feckin preoccupied with whats wrong with their life that they forget was right with it. Although I find it’s best deal with such people head on sometimes it’s not always the time nor the place and sometimes nothing can beat a good old rant!!

So that’s it , my character summarized in two blogs, and will explain what I write and the reason I write about certain things in future blogs. Nothing to more to declare, except the most important word to me is FAMILY and although mine haven’t always had an easy ride of it , we have stuck it out , and dealt with things head on and just got on with our lives as most of us do, but I suppose it’s all down to the genes and I am very thankful for mine.

May contain Rants

It's all in the genes!……….

Well its been about two maybe three weeks since my last blog. Christmas has come and gone and I will try to do a separate blog about how this Christmas went, hopefully sometime before New Year (all being well). But first I need to address two things regarding my last blog and also introduce you properly to my mum. Firstly I want to say thank you to some of my friends who sent private messages to me, your words meant a lot.

Secondly and more importantly posting the last blog although as cathartic as it was , did leave me feeling raw. I was racked with guilt and felt I had betrayed my dad and his memory because, one I don’t want people thinking my mother was a weak fragile doormat … she wasn’t and that I had a terrible childhood … I didn’t , yes there were lots of moments and episodes that I wish hadn’t happened but they did and yes subconsciously they did affect me and excuse me if I beat my own drum but  I actually think I’ve ended up  quite a well grounded sort of person considering everything that has happened, I know I’m definitely stronger than most people give me credit for.    

I also don’t want people thinking my dad was an awful man because that was not the case, especially in the years he stopped depending on drink. When my dad died he wasn’t the man who drank .He was the man who had hidden behind the drink for all those years. Looking back I strongly do feel that he had suffered from depressive episodes during his life, probably as result of his dad being murdered when he was 16 and unfortunately unlike my mum’s family ,he never received the correct support so he found solace in things that weren’t necessarily right but helped him with pain he felt at that moment and thus the vicious circle commenced!
You have to remember my father had been sober , free from addiction for a good few years when died,. He was a man who stood by his wife when she needed him most and remained there until he died, (despite their break up’s and there were many and their turbulent relationship, the violence which was definitely the worst aspect of his alcoholism, they never stopped loving each other.) I am very aware that my dad could easily have remained hidden behind a bottle because things got tough and believe me those early days/month’s and year’s of my mum’s illness were the toughest years I know I witnessed,but he didn’t, he dealt with his demons and was there when we both needed him the most and as result I became the woman I am now. Away from this illness that had taken so much of him , we discovered a wonderful man. A man of tolerance, kindness and generosity. A final testament to my dad’s character was the number of people who attended his funeral…. there were over 200 people in attendance , I still feel overwhelmed when I recall seeing all of them outside the church that August afternoon. So despite everything that happened , the bad memories I hold which unfortunately stain his character at Christmas, I will always be proud be his daughter.

Now as to every coin there are two sides, as this is the case with my character, the fundamental things that make me tick and ultimately what makes me want to write and make me value the things I believe in and I’m not necessarily referring to religious beliefs when I say that . I feel I should introduce you to my mum . How can I put it , she is singularly THE most important person in my life, (now I have a girlfriend who I adore and thankfully understands this and does not feel threatened by it.)

My mum has single-handedly taught me more about life and how to conduct myself through it than any other person alive or dead. But that’s to be attributed to the way she has conducted herself through her life .I feel it only right that I start at the beginning to explain what I mean when I say that. Now as a child at about 6 years old she became very ill and she developed T.B meningitis, she lost her mother at the age of 9 and also her eldest sister who was just 22 when she died , both her mother and sister also had T.B. My mum had an experimental operation which saved her life , but it was at the cost of her hearing . Now my mum was lucky enough to have a father who had a no-nonsense kind of attitude to life , who had not only just lost his wife, his eldest child and was also witness to his youngest daughter (my mum) fighting for her life. He also kept his remaining three children together, held down a full-time job,and didn’t have the privilege of care leave or child care as is the case today, in the late forties early 1950’s these things did not simply exist. Anyway after my mum spent two yeas in hospital , as a no-nonsense kind of man he paid for my mum to go to boarding school as he had the hindsight to know she needed a head start because there were no special provisions for disabled people back then. As result my grandfather’s intervention she ended up working in a hearing environment as a secretary.Remarkable for its time , never once has my mum ever let her disability stand in way, but unfortunately society and it’s environment have!

My mum went back into work working in a film archives as a cutter/editor when I was 8, I became a latch key child, this was at a time when my dad’s drinking was at its worst and money had to be put on the table namely by my mum!
When my mother was 45 the after effects of the experimental operation she had as child came back to haunt her and she began find it difficult to walk. she had a spinal operation which found adhesion’s from the medication used were slowly killing her nervous system and again down to the wonders of medicine my mum survived but at a further loss of her ability to walk, subsequently as this was happening, she also battled breast cancer twice and ovarian cancer and yet she is still with us. With not word of complaint. Nor has there ever been any moments she has felt sorry for herself. A true survivor in every sense of the word and as a result values her life more preciously than any other person I know and as out of respect I try to live my life in the same way. (Sometimes it is more difficult , than you think, but somehow her strength always gets me through!)

It’s important you also know I do not write these blogs to gain sympathy or anything egotistical, I purely write , one for myself because I enjoy writing as it calms my mind (because I have inherited the depressive gene off my dad!) and two I need to have a rant every so often because let’s be frank most people in this world are feckin annoying and stupid and are so feckin preoccupied with whats wrong with their life that they forget was right with it. Although I find it’s best deal with such people head on sometimes it’s not always the time nor the place and sometimes nothing can beat a good old rant!!

So that’s it , my character summarized in two blogs, and will explain what I write and the reason I write about certain things in future blogs. Nothing to more to declare, except the most important word to me is FAMILY and although mine haven’t always had an easy ride of it , we have stuck it out , and dealt with things head on and just got on with our lives as most of us do, but I suppose it’s all down to the genes and I am very thankful for mine.