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Tonight I write about my father.

Now normally at this of the day I’ve either written, or am about to write or have the formation of a poem in my head but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about my father. Those of you have followed this blog since it started in December will be aware that in the early part of my life , well will know that my father and I,  we didn’t have the best of relationships due to his alcoholism. It was only until I was 22 that he finally admitted he had a problem and got help for his illness, (because it is an illness) did we have a really close relationship, although despite his illness, from being a small child I had always worshiped (the sober him ). But today I just really really miss him.

He passed away 9 years ago to a rare illness called Guillain–Barré syndrome (GBS) that effects only about one person in 100,000 every year. It is an awful illness , he developed shortly after having cancer surgery, on the day he was due to be discharged from hospital  ,we sat and watch  a physically strong man even though he had suffered cancer succumb to this disease, paralysed him from the neck down .He deteriorated  over a period of eight weeks until his body could take no more as he developed secondary cancer and I had to make that decision no ever should have to take and that was turn his life support system off, we held his hand and watched him pass to I believe a better place.

During those eight weeks we use to sit with him for hours, held his hands and I would hum The Beatles songs to him (his favorite was Blackbird) or we’d read to him, or we put the CD player on and let him listen to the Goon shows and Spike Milligan ( he was a huge fan). It calmed him down because he used to get distressed being on a ventilator, during those eight weeks we became incredible close.

His loss has never left us nor will it ever,  as I am sure anyone reading this who have lost a love one will understand. We talk about him all the time because it keeps him here. The only regret is he never met Jo my partner, he would of adored her and she him, I think they would of got on really well and at least they would have been able to have shared a conversation in their mother tongue – Welsh.

It’s strange how the overwhelming loss of someone hits you at certain times, but saying that not one day goes by that I don’t think of him , it’s just sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming. What’s even stranger is that they make their presence felt at the most strangest times too. Whenever I wish my dad was here you can guarantee I will find a penny in the most strangest places, same when I need guidance from him , low and behold I get up and find a penny . This goes for my mum too she’s found pennies in the strangest places too .It like they are a message from him saying don’t worry I am still around looking over you Today my mum found a penny in her bathroom, just at time she needed it. . I like getting pennies from heaven they give me comfort, never stop sending them dad. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that poem about the pennies he has sent, in the mean time we will just keep putting them in the jar.

pennies

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Random true thoughts ( because it’s raining )

pillsThe rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their  negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are  being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But  for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Random true thoughts ( because it's raining )

pillsThe rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their  negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are  being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But  for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

This week has been a warning

[youtube=http://youtu.be/DtZp7MQE2ZM

Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.

The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .

I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.

I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies

But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x

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Thoughts of my Father

fathers dayMy girlfriend said to me this morning

You’re quiet, are you ok?

I told her I was thinking about you today, Dad

I told her I was in reflective mood

That I was trying to remember the good times but

All I can remember is the bad

I told her how it made me sad.

We had good times, didn’t we?

But the demons I inherited are blocking my train of thought

I try to remember you, the man I looked up to but all I can

See is the drunk in the Don Draper suit.

I know you were good, that you were kind,

I know you were extremely funny

But today I can’t remember those times, and I so want to.

You were present my whole life, but absent for half of it

In some inebriated dream you hung on to

Whilst I tried so desperately to please you

I always craved for your love, I still do!

Did you love me Dad; I still don’t know the answer to that

Because you never did say

There are things I wished we talked about,

Things I now only say to you in dreams

My mother tells me I am  like you,

In honesty this chills me to my core

I always thought I was nothing like you

Then I look in the mirror

I see I am

Yes I have flaws

I’m not perfect

I have my weakness

My demons

But most of all I have strength to over come

Whatever life throws at me

I have a kindness I instil on to others

I make people smile, well most of the time

And then I realise I am like you , just in another form

Then it hits me this morning that

I’m grateful for those things inherited from you

I’m thankful I was your only child

I’m thankful for you my complex father

That I do miss you and have always loved you (Always will)

So Happy Father’s Day

To you my dad the one time drunk in the Don Draper suit

Where ever your spirit soars

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

The visit

dragon 2Today it’s me who has the nervous twitch

My mood has taken a turn for the worse

You try and make me smile by dancing round the bedroom floor

But I can’t shift this feeling inside

It’s the thought of the visit from your mother

It’s knowing right now she is driving over on the M56

To darken this beautiful day with overcast clouds of doom

We both know the scenario of the day ahead

She’ll be overbearing like she usually is

She’ll have that distained look upon her face that wishes me dead

She has ways of telling me I’m too old for you, that

I don’t have the prospects that she wants for you

I know she thinks I’ll never be good enough for you

I’ve tried to learn to love her, after all she part created you

But she doesn’t really want to know

We tolerate each other for the sake of you

We both know she hates your choices in life

That you turned you’re back on your rich life style

That she has difficulty in accepting your sexuality

She’ll hate the fact she can’t break us, no matter how hard she tries

But what she forgets is together we’re strong

That the love we share is an unconditional bond

She makes comments whether there needed or not

She’ll come with a hidden agenda

But I’m hoping she won’t try and upset you like she usually does

So I wish for the hours to quickly roll on by

So we can say “Don’t come back soon and goodbye.”

Then when it’s dark and she has gone promise me

We can be both dance round the bedroom floor

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Goodbye

uncle 2

Silently, with heart full of grief

With so much love

I will follow you on your last journey

Deep in thought I will sit quietly and pray for you

As we gather to say goodbye

I will  keep in my heart

all the times

You were there when my father was not

I remember you saying to me

“Do not be too hard on your father

that what he had was an illness, that he is a good man and

he does love you”

 as usual you were right

You had such compassion, just like my Grandfather

I will always be thankful for the shelter and the safety

You gave my mother and I when it was needed

and

times were hard

I thank you for  every holiday you gave me  

For allowing me to have some memories of a happy childhood

I thank you for your acceptance in my choices in love

You never judged, you just embraced anyone that loved me

You beamed at every exam I passed

 As proud as my father was

You always praised me for the way I care  for my mother

You told me “Your Grandfather would be so proud of you”

Those words mean more to me than anything that has ever been said to me

when you needed help

 I had to be there, to repay  you for every single thing you did for me

so tomorrow ,I your niece will silently with heart full of grief

 with so much love

will follow you on your last journey

and if you are looking over my shoulder

Always know that I  will always miss you

because you were always more than just an Uncle to me  

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved