May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Tablets on toast…

Alarm clock rings

Birds sing

Half awake

The bedside lights are still burning

I’m still afraid to sleep in the dark these days

in case the demons return

And I’ve noticed I’ve lost my place in the book I was reading

Before I fell into a dreamlike state

Awake

I am conscious not just of my surroundings

But that my mood has flatlined whilst I’ve been sleeping

Barely I crawl out of bed

I don’t shower

Or dress

Its not the kind of day for effort

I make my way to the kitchen

With glass half empty

And toast on my plate

I pop the pills 1, 2, 3, and 4 onto the toast

But I don’t feel full

Like cheese and beans would make me feel

Tablets on toast just make me feel numb

Until I feel sleepy

Whilst all round me their day has just begun

Mehefin Bolland © 2018

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Rain down on me…

Rain down on me

Baptise me

Allow this blackness to disperse and disappear

For I have grieved far too long for those living and dead

It is if I do not hear the music anymore

I hear a strange lamentation instead

For those that were taken from me too soon or

were lost in heights of love

Rain down on me

So I may open my eyes to see the colour of her hair

Set fire to the sun

Let her warm this dead heart of mine

And let me hear the music once more

Mehefin Bolland © 2018

May contain Rants

Love divine…

You did not care about my monstrous shape
And the snarled expression etched upon my face
You did not recognise the hideous beast
That I thought was me
You gave me a place of tranquillity
A place where I could be at peace
Perched up there high
Upon your spire
And as the night drew in
You’d usher me down
From my solitude
To frolic between your transept’s
And dance up and down your aisle
amongst the crevices of your nave
Until I reached your chancel screen
Where beyond laid your inner chapel
Ordained with such beauty
Your Alter laid
And on bended knee
You offered me your holy sacrament
And as I did I tasted the sweetness of your wine
A crescendo of bells would begin to sing
And the moon lit up the transcendent windows to your soul

Copyright June Bolland 2015

May contain Rants

Mantra’s …

They make write notes on neatly
torn pieces of paper… Mantra’s
They make me read them over and over again because my mind needs to be fed
In order to sustain the  heightened  sense it seems to be in
Yet my consciousness is locked away in a little box they will not allow it be free
In angst I cry in frustration in being me
This is not the life I wish to lead
I cannot live without solid foundations
But the mantras tell everything will be ok
and who am I not to believe
In my state of heightened frustration
June Bolland Copyright 2015

May contain Rants

Blue eyes…

I’m readjusting to the silence
instead of conversing with you
I’m relying on one way conversations that now resonate in my brain
I’m recollecting the reasons why I fell in love with you
Maybe it had something to do with fact your eyes were an incredible blue
Maybe the colour attracted me
As I was familiar with the colour blue
The blue of my bipolar
But then I realised your eyes were not an ice cold blue
Like the thousand tears I cried before I met you
There was a warmth to them
they reminded me of the colour of the ocean
they invited me in
That day I fell in love with you
but loving someone with bipolar is a difficult thing to do ,
But for you falling in love with me was never going to be easy
there were minutes, hours, days, weeks, and even months
when I inexcusable hurt you and just pushed you away
But there were so many beautiful times when I drew you close into me
These are the times I’ll shall recollect
For no one in my past or in my future will ever compare to you
For you will always be my special
one with your eyes so blue
Copyright June Bolland 2015

May contain Rants

The right decision?…

Clouds of doubt
Over shadow my mind
Of how I miss the little things we use to do
I miss keeping your hand warm in my pocket on cold winter days 
I miss waking to the now void that was once occupied by you
I miss driving you to work and waving you off
I miss our  morning chats before the sun was barely up in the sky
But most of all I miss  the softness of your skin
All the things we (I) took for granted
It hurts to think I’ll no longer share these things  with you
I sometimes wonder
Did we make the right decision
To allow this illness that renders
my mind Incapable of logical thought
and allows it to  continually push you away (now forever)
We should have fought harder you and I (for our love)
For we were (are) two people still very much  in love ( you and I cannot deny the facts)
But life has a habit of getting in the way
It saddens me we are so near ,just living  3 miles apart , but you feel so far away that I know we both feel  alone and lost