May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Tablets on toast…

Alarm clock rings

Birds sing

Half awake

The bedside lights are still burning

I’m still afraid to sleep in the dark these days

in case the demons return

And I’ve noticed I’ve lost my place in the book I was reading

Before I fell into a dreamlike state

Awake

I am conscious not just of my surroundings

But that my mood has flatlined whilst I’ve been sleeping

Barely I crawl out of bed

I don’t shower

Or dress

Its not the kind of day for effort

I make my way to the kitchen

With glass half empty

And toast on my plate

I pop the pills 1, 2, 3, and 4 onto the toast

But I don’t feel full

Like cheese and beans would make me feel

Tablets on toast just make me feel numb

Until I feel sleepy

Whilst all round me their day has just begun

Mehefin Bolland © 2018

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Rain down on me…

Rain down on me

Baptise me

Allow this blackness to disperse and disappear

For I have grieved far too long for those living and dead

It is if I do not hear the music anymore

I hear a strange lamentation instead

For those that were taken from me too soon or

were lost in heights of love

Rain down on me

So I may open my eyes to see the colour of her hair

Set fire to the sun

Let her warm this dead heart of mine

And let me hear the music once more

Mehefin Bolland © 2018

May contain Rants

Love divine…

You did not care about my monstrous shape
And the snarled expression etched upon my face
You did not recognise the hideous beast
That I thought was me
You gave me a place of tranquillity
A place where I could be at peace
Perched up there high
Upon your spire
And as the night drew in
You’d usher me down
From my solitude
To frolic between your transept’s
And dance up and down your aisle
amongst the crevices of your nave
Until I reached your chancel screen
Where beyond laid your inner chapel
Ordained with such beauty
Your Alter laid
And on bended knee
You offered me your holy sacrament
And as I did I tasted the sweetness of your wine
A crescendo of bells would begin to sing
And the moon lit up the transcendent windows to your soul

Copyright June Bolland 2015

May contain Rants

Mantra’s …

They make write notes on neatly
torn pieces of paper… Mantra’s
They make me read them over and over again because my mind needs to be fed
In order to sustain the  heightened  sense it seems to be in
Yet my consciousness is locked away in a little box they will not allow it be free
In angst I cry in frustration in being me
This is not the life I wish to lead
I cannot live without solid foundations
But the mantras tell everything will be ok
and who am I not to believe
In my state of heightened frustration
June Bolland Copyright 2015

May contain Rants

Blue eyes…

I’m readjusting to the silence
instead of conversing with you
I’m relying on one way conversations that now resonate in my brain
I’m recollecting the reasons why I fell in love with you
Maybe it had something to do with fact your eyes were an incredible blue
Maybe the colour attracted me
As I was familiar with the colour blue
The blue of my bipolar
But then I realised your eyes were not an ice cold blue
Like the thousand tears I cried before I met youu
There was a warmth to them
they reminded me of the colour of the ocean
they invited me in
That day I fell in love with you
but loving someone with bipolar is a difficult thing to do ,
But for you falling in love with me was never going to be easy
there were minutes, hours, days, weeks, and even months
when I inexcusable hurt you and just pushed you away
But there were so many beautiful times when I drew you close into me
These are the times I’ll shall recollect
For no one in my past or in my future will ever compare to you
For you will always be my special
one with your eyes so blue
Copyright June Bolland 2015

May contain Rants

The right decision?…

Clouds of doubt
Over shadow my mind
Of how I miss the little things we use to do
I miss keeping your hand warm in my pocket on cold winter days 
I miss waking to the now void that was once occupied by you
I miss driving you to work and waving you off
I miss our  morning chats before the sun was barely up in the sky
But most of all I miss  the softness of your skin
All the things we (I) took for granted
It hurts to think I’ll no longer share these things  with you
I sometimes wonder
Did we make the right decision
To allow this illness that renders
my mind Incapable of logical thought
and allows it to  continually push you away (now forever)
We should have fought harder you and I (for our love)
For we were (are) two people still very much  in love ( you and I cannot deny the facts)
But life has a habit of getting in the way
It saddens me we are so near ,just living  3 miles apart , but you feel so far away that I know we both feel  alone and lost

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

LOVE IS SAT THERE ON THE SOFA…

THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT MY PARTNER

SINCE  NOW I HAVE BIPOLAR

THAT SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH

TO STAND BY ME NO MATTER WHAT

REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY TIMES

I PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH HER AWAY

THAT SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH

THAT WE AGREE TO TALK

IN FRONT OF STRANGERS

IN THE QUIET ROOM

THE ROOM THAT CALMS US BOTH

THE ROOM THAT CLEARS OUR MINDS

TURN OUR FEELINGS INTO WORDS

BRIDGES THE VOID

WHERE THE THIRD WHEEL SITS

BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH

LOVE IS SAT THERE ON THE SOFA

HOLDING MY HAND

TURNING WORDS INTO FEELINGS

LETTING ME KNOW

WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS

BECAUSE SHE REALLY DOES LOVE ME ENOUGH

COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND

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Paranoid thoughts…

You are the silhouette in the corner of my room

You are the sorrow snake that that writhes

Around in the pit of my stomach

You are the ice creature with human eyes

That follow me everywhere

You are the presence in the room

I cannot see

I can only feel

You are every fear I hold within

You are the pain that wants

To turn myself inside out

You are my paranoia

My paranoid thoughts

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY…

THINGS I HAVE LEARN’T SINCE HAVING BIPOLAR
CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY
EVEN THOSE ONES MADE FROM THE TABLE CLOTH
HANDED DOWN THE GENERATIONS
THEY LIED TO ME
THE VOICES IN HEAD
BECAUSE GRAVATION MAKES YOU GO SPLAT
AND YOU’LL END UP HAVING AN OPERATION
TO FIX YOUR BUSTED ANKLE
SO CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY

OTHER THINGS I LEARNT TOO
IS IF YOU PEEL BACK YOUR SKIN
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT
THE VOICES IN MY HEAD
TOLD ME TO DO
THE SKIN IS ICE BLUE
BÚT THEY LIED TO ME
MY SKIN IS PINK
MY VEIN ARE BLUE

SO NEVER TRUST THE VOICES INSIDE YOUR HEAD
AND IGNORE EVERYTHING THEY TELL YOU TO DO

COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND

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When the bough breaks…

When the bough breaks

His body will fall and

Lie there alone on the floor

No more pain and anguish

Will he feel

No more stigma will he face

For time will stand still for him for evermore
But for those left behind

Those that loved him

The pace of time will not changed

For tomorrow will still turn into today

And the memory of his lost will never go away

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

 

Written and posted for World Mental Health Day 10/10/2014 and for all those of us and our families that are  affect by mental health issues and in memory for  those who have lost their battle to Mental health and the families they have left behind.

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Bubble wrap…

You’re constantly worrying

About my moods becoming low

You say you want to protect me

Like a fine china mug

If they do

And wrap me up

in a bubble wrap hug

 

You’re constantly watching me

Checking to see if I am

Acting  TOO well

Just in case  I’ve  been missing my meds

That if I become too high

I know you’ll be there to make THAT call

Like bubble wrap lying on the floor

I know you’ll be there to break my fall

Copyright 2014  June Bolland

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Inner landscapes…

The inner landscape

 

Of me

 

Is damaged

 

Is broken

 

That one slip and I will fall

 

Between the cracks

 

Into the hell

 

That is my

 

Damage mind

 

But love will

 

Always be stronger

 

So with the strength

 

Of your arms

 

You pull me back through

 

Between the cracks

 

You hold on tight

 

Prevent me slipping into

 

The hell that is my

 

Damage mind

 

Because love is

 

Always stronger

 

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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A journal to survival…

Leaving

It’s been 8 months 15 days

Since my thoughts disappeared

Into the blueness of my mind

Until nothing of me was left behind

Deeper I withdrew myself a little more

each day

I  did not realised you leaving

Lost

It been 8 months 4 days

Since I let you slip away

And my demons arrived to stay

To cavort and taunt me

They would not let me be

I tried so hard to beat them

But soon I began to realise

they had won and I had lost

Hallucinations

It’s been 4 months 22 days

When the voices arrived

They mocked me

I was petrified

I witness my own death

And my own cremation

This was the being of

the hallucinations

 

Recovery

It’s been 3 months 15 days

I did not know what to do

I called for your  help to get me through

Even though we were no longer lovers

You arrived in the middle of the night

You calmed me and reassured me

You told me you be there and help me recover

 

Survived

It’s been 2 months 2 days

When for the first I day awoke

I could smile

It been a while  after all the

days and months sat in darkness

But I realised I was still alive

That I had survived

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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A four letter word…

I try to write but the words that have been locked inside my head

Desperate to be freed, to be expressed

But the sentences have disappeared

This what a four letter word like meds do to you

My days seem to bleed from one day into the next

As I try to write these words

And as ink connects its self to the page when I think of your name

it weeps through

This is what a four letter word like love do to you

My nights are filled with dread

Every noise, creak,  groan

Makes me think there’s monster under my bed

When really it all irrational made up stuff in my head

This is what a four letter word like fear do to you

Copyright June Bolland 2014

May contain Rants

Medicated dreams…

They say the pills will help me sleep and dream “ medicated dreams”

But they don’t

It’s difficult to sleep with you now no longer here to spoon

They say the pills will help the voices in my head

But they don’t

They mock and taunt, relentless they tell me how I fucked up

They say the pills will help stop the hallucinations

But they don’t

See I still see you and a form of me

Before the madness arrived

So really all the pills really do is make regret, cry and miss you

Copyright June Bolland 2014

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Its good to talk …

I have my final counselling session today and I am a little apprehensive.  I don’t want it to end , I feel like I’m going to visit a really good friend for the very last time.It makes me feel sad but then again I should take it as a positive that I am grown up and no longer need my comfort blanket.

As I said in my previous posting I have recently been going through a really bad bipolar episode.I am now well on the road to recovery.  My mood swings are finally levelling out due to new medications and due to the  counselling sessions I have received.

My psychiatrist thought it would help me to attend counselling  as I was beginning to isolate myself more and more. Anyone who suffers from Bipolar will understand how debilitating  the isolation is when your going through a depressive phase.  I find it difficult to explain how relentless the battle with it is. Generally  I am loner anyhow, not of my own choice I might add but because I am the sole carer of mum who is paraplegic , I have been for the last 25 years  and somehow the isolation of it’s duties have been forced upon me, non of which is my mum’s fault , as she didn’t choose her illness nor did I. It’s just that people, friends stopped asking me to socialise a long time ago and previous partners begrudged the amount of time and commitment that went into looking after my mum. This is the reason why  my latest ex and I are still  close,  she’s the exception to the rule. (Discovered this through the counselling sessions)  I know  that people say the internet is a great place to maintain friendships and that it is also great place  to meet new friends , maybe , I have yet to be convinced , I think they work for a while and then people move on, but I am not blameless  it’s a two-way street and I know I am guilty in not keeping in touch and   maintaining friendships, I blame it on my  fear of rejection,I’ve always  shut myself off from friendships before they reject me!  ( also learnt through counselling). So whenever I go through a depressive phase the isolation is so much worst, because every bit of hurt,anger , frustration , rejection and self loathing is held deep within , and there is no one to share it with . So counselling was a blessing .

When I first started the counselling back in May I really didn’t think it would help, I thought it would be all cognitive behavioral therapy, which I’d previously had and which hadn’t worked.  I was also worried that I wouldn’t like my counsellor , but I was proved wrong my counsellor  Angela put me at ease straight away as we have a common interest we are both learning sign language. So the conversation began to  flow very easily. I was so amazingly so open with her  that I shared things about myself during that first session that no other living person knew about, so I came away surprised , relieved and optimistic.

I have looked forward to every counselling session since. Partly because it has given me purpose to get out of bed but more importantly it has been an opportunity to share   hidden aspects life , my thoughts, in fact  it was a place where I could just talk to someone in a  non judgemental environment. It’s been a place of laughter and tears and importantly a place of rediscovering what makes me tick. It’s given me back a rejuvenated energy and a purpose of which direction I want  my life to  go in. I believe it’s  fate that I had this Bipolar episode when I did because without it  I wouldn’t I have met the wonderful people  who have help me in my recovery including my  psychiatrist  and Angela my wonderful counsellor , who made me realise  with her  words of encouragement  that I am an empathic person and  that the counselling profession would benefit with someone like me. So you never know all being well  I too could  be able to counsel and help people in just like Angela has done with me. So hear’s to Angela for her Patience, her encouragement and kindness and making me realise it’s good to talk.

 

 

 

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Blue skies on the horizon…

A very short  synopsis of what’s been going on the  last few months.

It  would be fair to say that I have had a few difficult months recently. I had a major Bipolar episode at  the end of February which plummeted  me into a pit of absolute darkness  , I tried to struggle on but by March I knew I couldn’t function .Whilst this was going on my relationship with my fiancee was falling apart all due to the  intensity and problems surrounding  my  Bipolar. My ex  became tired of trying to get me to listen to reason, in trying to persuade me that I needed to get  help. No matter how well she coped with my rapid cycling and my sometimes rejection of her   and the verbal abuse  aimed at her too, she coped. What she couldn’t cope with was the issue of my denial and bad management regarding  this illness.

My partner was always really good at reading when  moods were about to change , where as  I was more inclined to ignore them. In December she told me  that she could tell I was heading for a breakdown and that I should seek help, I told her I was fine and choose to ignore her. BIG MISTAKE!

So January arrived and the extreme rapid cycling started, and then February arrived and this is when things began to come apart at the seams . I’ll set the scene for you -I was in a Board meeting at work   facing 18 people and within minutes of the meeting I lost it. Luckily for me my manager and one  my friends were there. As soon as I left the room I crashed to the floor and was lying in the fetal position , sobbing. This was the start.

Towards the end of  March with the commencement of  the breakdown still fairly fresh  my partner and I had huge row all  because I was still refusing to seek  help.  It was at this point she left me but only after I told her to leave. Never expecting her to actually go , I must admit I was not impressed , but now with clarity of mind I understand  why she did go  as now I know I left her with no other option, if I could have walked out on me I would have done. Anyway my partners absence was the wake up call I needed to go seek  help. I saw a psychiatrist , who prescribed me  new  alternative medications to the ones I was taking. So March rolled into July and then things became a whole lot darker.

Now I’ve  had frequent episodes  but none  have been  as terrifying  than this episode, purely because the new medications began to kick in. As a result drowsed I became submerged deeper in the darkness of my own thoughts, it was  then I began hearing  voices, I knew it wasn’t my inner voice or voices I recognised, these voices  were menacing and terrifying as were the hallucinations I was also beginning to have. It initially started with a voice calling out my name , I turn but they’d be no one there , this would repeat itself , each time the voice would appear to come from a different direction. As time went by the voice turn into voices , at first they seemed to laugh and mock , then they became menacing , just writing about it gives me a chill. It was at this time the hallucinations began . I remember the first time it happen , it was the early hours of the morning , I thought I could hear foot steps on the landing , and then  I saw two images watching me  terrified I called my ex partner in the hopes she’d pick up the phone I didn’t know who else to call. Thankfully she answered her phone and within 15 minutes she arrived to calm me down.

My ex stepped in and decided to take some  time off work to look after me , and my mum. The doctors agreed to let my ex look after me as she is a nurse.So since July , she been my rock. When needed she’s driven to my house in middle of the night and stayed awake with me as I have been terrified to be alone and when the voices and hallucinations were at their most prevalent, she told me focus on the blue skies and the view of the horizon by the sea where we often went to visit, happy times. She made sure my mum was properly looked after and more importantly she’s helped me survive this episode, by making me realise that I have so much to live for.Even though we are no longer romantically involve  we are as close as we can be .But we both realise the relationship will never be rekindled but it doesn’t mean that  we”ll ever stop caring for each other.  I’m just so  glad we  have one of those relationships that  despite everything we can  still be part of each others lives, after all we will always be  best  friends. So here’s to looking towards  the future,  and the being thankful to appreciate  those Blue skies on the horizon and to those who remind you that they are there.

 

 

May contain Rants

Yellow tailed

Sitting amongst the seaweed and the rocks

With my girl

Sea air tickles my nostrils and the sting hits me

Like a cold ice drink, it freezes my brain

But that’s good

My brain has been numb for weeks

My thoughts hiding in its cranial sac

Away from critical voices

But with medication now working

I can see people for what they are

Heads down they shuffle about

With their yellow tails tucked down low

beneath them

Scared the that ‘ stigma ‘ will touch them

You can see it in their eyes

no contact

they look away

Conversations stop

sometimes platitudes replace the words

They don’t want  to talk about it

IT’S TABOO!

BUT I DO!

I want shout out “I am as SANE as you, more so in fact!”

So thank God for my girl, my mother and the comfort of strangers

So to my ‘friends’ I have one simple message for you

God forbid the ‘black dog’ decides to take

A walk with you

Don’t come knocking at my door

I won’t be in

I’ll be sitting amongst the seaweed and the rocks

With my girl

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

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Jimmy Choo’s in my closet

An impromptu posting.

I was reading my past posts on my blog yesterday. A majority (about 90%) of the poems I share are biographical. It was interesting to look back on the past year just by reading the poems and the postings .It’s a bit like reading a journal you kept when you were a teenage,  smiling and thinking back on the past . I  recently stumbled across an old journal dated 1982 , in which I wrote  “ I think I’m in love with Sara Clark!” . But as a rule I don’t really like looking back into my past too much or at least I didn’t until I met Jo my fiancee (still can’t get my head around using that word to describe her even though it’s been 8 months since I proposed to her and more importantly she said yes!) .

I’ve realised through the postings and poems I’ve shared, it’s reminded me of  how so  much  has happened in the last year of this blog and in real life.

I written about breaks ups (J and had two brief separations early last year) wrote poems and impromptu blogs about how my mum dealt with the stress and the worry and of the  extremely long wait to find out if her cancer had come back or not. Thankfully she was given all clear in October. I’ve shared my thoughts in verse of how Jo’s heart condition deteriorated and how she had to be fitted with a pacemaker, which at 26 was young. I’ve documented my experiences of living with bipolar and described the relapses have I have suffered. I’ve shared my thoughts of my dad who passed 9 years ago and wrote poems about the sadness of my uncle’s passing (he was like a second father to me) . Oh and those poems which I have written for Jo.

I have learnt a lot about myself too. That it’s OK to let go, to expose the dark thoughts that invade my mind caused by my depression sometimes, whether it be in the form of poetry or even in just sharing my thoughts with Jo. But most of all It’s been a year of discovery, of knowing that I don’t have to carry this burden of stuff I’ve carried alone for so long, that far from me having fears of holding Jo back, I realise she is the one person who holds me up, and helps me carry the weight in fact just unburdens me of stuff that quite frankly doesn’t matter anymore and for that no amount of words can describe how much love I have for her. That’s why I proposed to her a week after her surgery on 19 July at Angel Bay, because I needed to show her how much I loved her and for once not just write about it . So we will have been together six years this July, happier than ever, albeit I have a closet full of her Jimmy Choo shoes crammed into my closets. That’s why I keep my shoes in the boot of my car! It  is worth the sacrifice !

So would I say my blog year has been good?  One word Yes! I lost the need to write for a while , but this past year I’ve realised that writing is therapeutic, it focuses the mind, cleanses it, makes you feel joyous (well it does me anyway! ) Then there is the added  bonus of meeting other wonderful people on here too (although I have met one or two narcissist on my journey who appear to be far more interested in the number of followers they have, how many like they get,and so pre-occupied with stats, than they are in writing or blogging, which saddens me because I am not like that, I write for me, the fact that anybody else reads my blog in all honesty astounds me, likes posts I upload, leave lovely comments and follow my blog is truly humbling. So a huge THANK YOU from me for taking time to read my blog, never mind pressing  the like button and commenting, and following, honestly I am for once lost for words.  Anyway off for a few days away by the sea, as its my birthday tomorrow, so taking the laptop with me so I can catch up on some blogs I have been meaning to read for a while, especially now as I also  have new glasses which have  dyslexic lenses, as  I dont know if some you realise I am dyslexic . So the glasses are a Godsend as sometimes other people’s work is sometimes hard to read. I’m OK with writing as I use a dyslexic word font . Anyway your comments are always appreciated.

One final thought: I wonder what ever happened to Sara Clark?

May contain Rants

Time is gone all too briefly…

Time is gone all too briefly

Like glimpses of the sun it soon too disappears

Through the branches of the trees as we drive on past

Momentary flickers of the past present future

Merge into one

But recently I lost sight of the sun

So many precious moments I should have

captured with you

But my thoughts were lost completely

To the imbalance in my brain

Between the clarity, insanity

and the Purgatory that

Ricocheted against all corners of my mind

Stolen were my thoughts

Only for them to reappear

In some abyss of despair

In fear I was losing all reason

Scared that my mind was being driven insane

By mischievous demons

But as my sense of clarity is slowly restored

Not one more second, minute, hour or day

Will I waste in trying to recapture

Precious moments, intimate moments

With you

For as we both know

Time is gone all too briefly

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Walls of kisses

wall-of-kisses--large-msg-132494150281

When the darkness becomes dark

And the moon is hiding

The melconholy clock strikes

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I weep in corners of our room

Wanting to make the clocks stop

Trying to escape the fog

That coverts my mind

With train of thoughts

Escalating deeper down

It wraps itself around everything good

Everything  but you

It’s you who ventures into my dark corner

It’s you who stops the mood pendulum from swinging

It’s you who wraps yourself around me

to stop the pain

to stop the tremors

to stop the thoughts from escalating

It’s you who shows me the way through the fog

It’s you who shows me our room has more the dark corners

Where I hide

It’s you who shows me our room with it’s walls of kisses

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Between the dusk and the dawn…

In the dark hours between dusk and dawn

When my thoughts are at their darkest

When dancing demons taunt me

When their voices tease my thoughts

You are my one constant vision of hope

You with your words of comfort

Yours are the lips that kiss the tears away

Yours are the hugs that banishes the lonely thoughts away

So in the dark hours between dusk and dawn

It’s you, only you that gets me through the night

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Towards the sun …

I’ve lost my way

I ‘ve been running away from the sun

To a place that’s all too familiar

To a place tinged with sadness and pain

Where only dark clouds follow me

I need the stillness and the time to think

To recollect my thoughts

To retrace my steps

But I ran away from the sun

I have lost sight of my shadow

My guide that helps me home

But which way do I now turn?

East?

West?

North?

Or

South?

Then I remember there are five fixed points

On my compass

I need to follow the direction towards

Love!

Home to her

Home to my mother

Home to those friends

Who care enough

Who love me enough

These are one’s who light my way

On this dark forsaken road

Back to them

Back home

Back towards the sun

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Apart of me she cannot touch…

My mind is bruised

Its colour is slowly turning black and blue

Chaos rules my thoughts

Transmission signals are beginning to be lost

As the imbalance of the  mind scales begin to fluctuate

From one minute to the next

To Hyper Ville to my own personal sink hole

Its difficult to hide the pain away

When all people can see

Is a smile on my face

And tears streaming down my cheeks

But these are not happy tear that I can now taste

They are bitter and dark and taste of treacle

They stick to my tongue

I am rendered unable to speak

I’m losing my voice

To the demon voices inside my head

And all I can do is run, run far away inside myself

And hide in dark corners of total solace

Because this is a part of me  I do not want to her see

This is a part of me she cannot touch

Her arms cannot comfort my troubled mind

Her sweet kisses cannot soothe the darkest thoughts

And how I so wish that they could

How I need her tendered touch to take it all away

But all she can do is pick me up when I fall

So for now all I can do is run, run far away inside myself

Until the bruising fades and the voices stop

And my tears begin to taste like honey once more

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

I'm the land of words

books

“Child hide!” my inner voice would say

As the voices boomed from the kitchen

And I would run as fast as my tiny feet would carry me

Behind the sofa I would hide

But as the noise began to

Ricochet off the walls and the ceiling

Crouched I’d sit

And

Hide my face away

Deep in the blackness

Of my cotton and acrylic cave

I would stay

Until the noise would cease

And they would come and  find me

And with remorseful hugs

They would hold me

On those days when my parents needed to talk

I was given refuge with my grandfather

His house was a refuge for people

And for books

Rows of musty smelling

Hard backed books

Treasure Island

Robinson Crusoe

Little women

And book with words that didn’t have chapters

But with words that dance beautifully across the page

 Betjeman, Yeats, Woolf and T.S Elliot to name but a few

I listened as he would recite stories of far off lands

And hang on to every word

Of those of verses of love he would recite

I remember his heart danced

But his voice would quiver

I now realise he was thinking of my grandmother

As I grew I would search for those words he read

And lock them away inside my head

  So for those times when my thoughts are dark

And those demons come a knocking

I no longer hide behind seated barricades

I no longer hide away in my cotton and acrylic cave

I escape to the land of words

Where demons  are not welcome.

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

I’m the land of words

books

“Child hide!” my inner voice would say

As the voices boomed from the kitchen

And I would run as fast as my tiny feet would carry me

Behind the sofa I would hide

But as the noise began to

Ricochet off the walls and the ceiling

Crouched I’d sit

And

Hide my face away

Deep in the blackness

Of my cotton and acrylic cave

I would stay

Until the noise would cease

And they would come and  find me

And with remorseful hugs

They would hold me

On those days when my parents needed to talk

I was given refuge with my grandfather

His house was a refuge for people

And for books

Rows of musty smelling

Hard backed books

Treasure Island

Robinson Crusoe

Little women

And book with words that didn’t have chapters

But with words that dance beautifully across the page

 Betjeman, Yeats, Woolf and T.S Elliot to name but a few

I listened as he would recite stories of far off lands

And hang on to every word

Of those of verses of love he would recite

I remember his heart danced

But his voice would quiver

I now realise he was thinking of my grandmother

As I grew I would search for those words he read

And lock them away inside my head

  So for those times when my thoughts are dark

And those demons come a knocking

I no longer hide behind seated barricades

I no longer hide away in my cotton and acrylic cave

I escape to the land of words

Where demons  are not welcome.

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

True colours

colour 2

I take off my rose coloured tinted glasses

And observe the world around me

Through my bipolar eyes,

High on the chemicals

That makes me see with such clarity

The true colours

Of people whose spectrum’s do not illuminate as much

In the opaqueness that temporarily surrounds me

I pick through their transparency

Until all that is visible is the grey faint outlines underneath

Of those whose colours are truly so superficial

And insignificant, could easily be erased

I was deceived in my perception of their true colours

They out shone colours of those whose faded aura’s

Quietly glow in the background

With their hue of light blue light

They evoked an understanding

That encourages me to their light

Colours I did not know radiated so much such

These are the colours that I turn to

They guide my way and

keep me from  the dark

Then there are those whose colours never alter

Solid,

Bold

One who glistens like the diamond that she is

Then there is she

Her colours are the truest colours

Of red, green and blue

And Blended together

We create rainbows

In a world that would otherwise be grey

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

For J…

open heartShe who captured my heart

This woman who alone invades every corner of my being

She is my soul mate, my lover, my confidant, my muse

She is my guardian angel

Her love is constant and unbreakable

Her touch is calmness in itself

Her kisses are bound in truth

She possess a strength of heart and soul  so pure

Her wisdom is older than her years

She alone will save me from the dark abyss

I know because she saved me once before

I was lost and distant from this world

Isolated within my  empty shell

But she saw something in me that first time we met

Something in me, she’s says she will never forget

Something she nurtured, cared for , brought back to life

She said it was love.

She was right  and my love burst right out of my chest

I began bestowing  it on her, on life and on myself

The day I realised what she meant

So when there are no more shadows to hide behind

And I  am looking down that dark chasm

These are reasons I  know she’ll be there to save me once again

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

With eyes wide open

open-eyeToday is not going to be a good day

The heaviness of my head

And the pain in my joints as I wake

From my pill induced slumber tell me this

My eyes would not open on their own accord

This morning

Like rusted old shutters they would not budge

I had to prise them open them with what little

Strength I had left

Maybe I should blame it on the tears I’ve shed

For corroding them shut!

Or maybe they didn’t want to face the day

Maybe they knew it wasn’t going to be good!

And as I lie here with eyes now wide open

I look back on yesterday

Because it’s preferable to  concentrating on the pain

But yesterday

This is all but now a memory

But I can recall that memory

Because I know

Yesterday was GOOD!

There were glimpses of my old self

A slight respite from the insanity

But today my old self well she has abandoned me

So today I will take each hour as it comes

I will try not to dwell on the fact

That today is not going to be  good

I shall hold onto the dream

That my old self she might return

and hope that  I don’t have to prise

My eyes  wide open tomorrow !

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Reason’s to be cheerful

reasons to be cheerful

Deep in thought I quietly sit

Whilst the pills I’ve just swallowed

Send chemicals to my brain

That no other therapies have been able to reach

And for that brief moment

I have clarity

A sense of rational thinking

A sense of normality

So I write not poetry but

A mantra

A list

To guide me

To focus on

And more importantly to hold onto

For when even darker days arrive

And they will arrive

I know because I’ve been here so many times before

I make a list of all the things that make me happy

Things I should be really cheerful about

A list of no particular relevance, of importance or order

I begin to write surprisingly without hesitation

Beach walking, Angel Bay, the smell of the ocean,

Wales (the land of my history), of being loved and being in love,

My beautiful Jo, my mum, my family, cups of tea in bed with my girl on a

Saturday morning, nights in, nights out, walks in the park

splashes in puddles in the Spring ,

basking in the sun on long summer days

Dancing through the leaves on cold Autumn nights

Snowball fights

warming Jo’s hands in the sleeves of my jumper

in the depths of  winter

the changing colour’s of the season’s

the family meal round the table on Friday night ,

having conversations so deep, so funny and sometimes quite bizarre,

laughing out loud, music, books, poetry, photography,

of chatting/ texting /talking to good friends, Tuesday lunch dates,

Really thick cut crinkled crisps, cupcakes, a Marlboro to start the day,

Road trips and pyjama days

With pen put down, I read the list back,

I fold the list over and place in my wallet behind the photo of Jo

I return to my original position quietly sitting

And in the sustained moment of absolute clarity

I realise I am lucky to have so many reasons to be cheerful about

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Reason's to be cheerful

reasons to be cheerful

Deep in thought I quietly sit

Whilst the pills I’ve just swallowed

Send chemicals to my brain

That no other therapies have been able to reach

And for that brief moment

I have clarity

A sense of rational thinking

A sense of normality

So I write not poetry but

A mantra

A list

To guide me

To focus on

And more importantly to hold onto

For when even darker days arrive

And they will arrive

I know because I’ve been here so many times before

I make a list of all the things that make me happy

Things I should be really cheerful about

A list of no particular relevance, of importance or order

I begin to write surprisingly without hesitation

Beach walking, Angel Bay, the smell of the ocean,

Wales (the land of my history), of being loved and being in love,

My beautiful Jo, my mum, my family, cups of tea in bed with my girl on a

Saturday morning, nights in, nights out, walks in the park

splashes in puddles in the Spring ,

basking in the sun on long summer days

Dancing through the leaves on cold Autumn nights

Snowball fights

warming Jo’s hands in the sleeves of my jumper

in the depths of  winter

the changing colour’s of the season’s

the family meal round the table on Friday night ,

having conversations so deep, so funny and sometimes quite bizarre,

laughing out loud, music, books, poetry, photography,

of chatting/ texting /talking to good friends, Tuesday lunch dates,

Really thick cut crinkled crisps, cupcakes, a Marlboro to start the day,

Road trips and pyjama days

With pen put down, I read the list back,

I fold the list over and place in my wallet behind the photo of Jo

I return to my original position quietly sitting

And in the sustained moment of absolute clarity

I realise I am lucky to have so many reasons to be cheerful about

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

If it rains today

puddlesToday if it rains

Will you laugh at the dark clouds above my head

Will you mock them

Will you  tell them they will never win

That  I am not yet beaten

Will you walk with me

Jump and splash in puddles with me

So I can try and regain some joy back

Will you stand with me , with arms stretched out

And let the rain wash over us so I can feel again

And on the way home

Will you stop there in the crowded street

And kiss me

So I can feel your love over again

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Avoiding the dark abyss

abyssWith a kiss you awake me from my opiatic repose

You ask how I am feeling

I tell you I’m not quite sure

You rephrase your question “how does it feel” you ask

“What the depression?” I reply

(You nod)

I tell you I feel tainted

That my brain feels corrupted

By the messed up childhood I inherited

And as I am saying it I’m thinking you won’t get it

But the look on your face isn’t a fearful one

There’s compassion in your eyes

(you’re not about to run a mile from the mad one who lies next to you)

and so I add another guilt  to the thousand I already possess

for doubting you.

I tell you that I no longer mind the pain

because the pain makes me  feel I am still here

I tell you pain also speaks the truth

it shows the honesty in people

They don’t know what to say so they wish you Good luck

As if I am about to embark on some great joyous adventure

when really I am running from the dark abyss

It’s because some don’t know how to handle depression

They see it as a weakness, a failure

and you tell me I am not weak , that I am the strongest person you know

And that my mum thinks of me as some kind of super hero

I regretfully answer  I’m afraid my cape has been hung up

Then there’s a darkness to my voice

I am fearful Jo I say

Of the dark abyss

And of the suicidal thoughts waiting

I tell you I am now a ghost visible to a few

I feel as if I am beginning to walk between the shadows

Trying to avoid the dark abyss

Desperately searching for my way back home

I glance, I see you upset

The tears are welling in your eyes

You wrap your arms around me

I feel your love tighten round my frame

And hear your whisper in my ear “You are home, its right here”

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Random true thoughts ( because it's raining )

pillsThe rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their  negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are  being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But  for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Random true thoughts ( because it’s raining )

pillsThe rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their  negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are  being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But  for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

This week has been a warning

[youtube=http://youtu.be/DtZp7MQE2ZM

Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.

The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .

I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.

I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies

But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x

May contain Rants

You,me and the silence

darkAlone

In the dark

I cry

No panic this time

No demons present

Just me, the silence and my tears

I hear your footsteps on the stairs

The door opens

There’s concern on your face

Silently you sit beside me

You place your arm around my shoulder

Your thumb wipes away my tears

Talk to me you said

It all comes out

The madness that has been present in my head

I tell you I try to convince myself that I am well

But really we both know I am not

The past has resurfaced in my mind

Memories, collections, and scenes

of the secrets only you know about

Are playing out in my head

I feel weak again, beaten again

And then I taste it

The taste of shame

Still present after all this time

You place a kiss on my forehead

You promise that no will ever hurt me again

And reassure me that I am not going mad

And I know you speak the truth

So we sit, you and me, in the silence and

We watch patiently as my fears begin to

evaporate into the darkness of the night.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Stampede of words

panic attack 3There’s a stampede going on in my brain

Of words trying to get out, trying to get in

I feel them physically stacking up on each other

And my head is heavy from the weight

I think silence, isolation maybe sleep is needed 

For these words to be assembled into order

That makes some sense

I want to put the close sign up

But its hiding somewhere in my temporal lobe

Trapped between the words pain, anger, demon, depression

My power of speech is rendered impotent

And so the panic sets in

The parietal lobe is under siege

I so want to write HELP ME! MAKE IT GO AWAY!

The brain will not transpose the words through my fingers

So overloaded is my brain ,the words escape through my eyes

You sense this; you’ve seen the panic,

The fear in my eyes

The tears in my eyes

so many times

You hold me and calm me and

My frontal lobe begins to put things in order

And I feel the words just slip away

But one word remains, your name

Prominent,

A name that evokes so many memories of words like

Beauty, perfection, laughter, love, kisses, sex, lust, passion,

Kindness, caring, positivity,  but for a few

but for me one word stands out from the rest

whenever I think of you

that word will always, always be LOVE.

(I love you my Ms Joanna P x)

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

She who protects me

It’s three in the morningPANIC

And the darkness surrounds us

As you sleep

But I cannot sleep

I am fearful of the dark

I know they are coming

My mind is under siege

And I know I am not strong enough to withhold

The army of demons that is about to invade me

I can’t think straight

Should I take refuge within your arms (but I do not want to wake you)

Or do I run

I run

Into the cold and dark of open spaces

But it’s all too much

They are here whispering in the corners of the garden

They begin to taunt me

They laughter hurts my ears

I drop down to the floor as if to vanish in the ground

I lie there in foetal position

Silently weeping, shaking

Then you find me (you always find me)

You scoop me up

You sit me down

You wrap us both in a blanket

Dry my tears

Your voice soothes me

Shhh you say they’ve gone

There’s just you and me

You rock me and it calms me

You take me by the hand

And guide me towards upstairs

You lie me down

and cover me

Climb in beside me

Continuously you rock me

As I drift off to sleep

The darkness is bannished

No longer fearful

For you, my woman, wiser than her years

Always finds me

Rescue’s me

From the darkness of the night

And  the demons that taunt me

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

My Wall’s

grafo floresMy walls were covered in graffiti

I whitewash over them too many times

I tried to hide the stains hidden underneath

Words of hate

Words of sorrow

Words of a broken heart

They are the work of my demons

They are my collage of my life

But the sun and the rain

Wore away at the cover I hid them under

Until my mural of memories were clear to see

I was defeated and broken

I stopped the charade of trying to blank them out

I tried to live with these scenes so dark, so bleak

Until I retreated into a dark corner away from the view of my demons work

Then you arrived with paints of pastel shades

To erase these memories, with paintings of flowers

and vivid images of beauty

The words became replaced with

Love,

Hope,

and faith

All the things I now have with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

My Wall's

grafo floresMy walls were covered in graffiti

I whitewash over them too many times

I tried to hide the stains hidden underneath

Words of hate

Words of sorrow

Words of a broken heart

They are the work of my demons

They are my collage of my life

But the sun and the rain

Wore away at the cover I hid them under

Until my mural of memories were clear to see

I was defeated and broken

I stopped the charade of trying to blank them out

I tried to live with these scenes so dark, so bleak

Until I retreated into a dark corner away from the view of my demons work

Then you arrived with paints of pastel shades

To erase these memories, with paintings of flowers

and vivid images of beauty

The words became replaced with

Love,

Hope,

and faith

All the things I now have with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Joie de vivre

Joie de vivreI am lacking in joie de vivre

My brain has stopped properly functioning

Since things went wrong and you left again

My brain over thinks 

It’s over worked

With thoughts of you

Play, pause, rewind,

Memories of happier times on a loop of you, me, us

I try so desperately try to recall your touch

 I so miss the feel of you, the warmth of you, the love of you

My body aches for you

Melancholy invades me again

Too many emotions are contained fighting within

I need so much sleep

I could sleep for a hundred days   

But then there is the emptiness,

But I so need empty, I so need space

I need the void to wallow in

To recovery, to gather strength

Within these walls of silence

To find my joie de vivre without you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Concealment

concealEmotions out of sight

To be witnessed by none

Concealed weakness

Covert sorrow

Filling my frame no gaps left exposed

Contained, tight lip

Normal

Deep breath, smile

Tears concealed

Your public waits

Off stage

Private space

Mask off

Breakdown

Tears flow

My emotion have escaped 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

This is why my blog is called what it is!!

It fair to say I have that I’ve not had the best of weekends, this weekend. This is due to many things; some things I can’t discuss, nothing wildly exciting, I’m just not able talk about them.

The things that have pissed me off this weekend that I can discuss are

1) I have been on a really tight schedule regarding a British Sign Language course that I’m doing and  I have an exam in about 4 weeks DON’T PANIC and a further one in about 8 weeks so things are a little full on at the mo. There never seems to be enough time to fit everything in with caring for my mum, counselling my mum at the mo as well as she’s waiting for the cancer results to come through. Trying to fit ’ ALONE’  time in with my girlfriend Jo oh and go to work! I suppose I could spend less time writing poems but in honesty they keep me SANE and SANE IS GOOD AT MO!!!

All week I had this looming panic about doing this piece of British Sign Language interpreting, which means writing it (most people think sign language is a direct interpretation of English it’s not .It has its own linguistics, it’s a complex language. It’s a beautiful  language . I’m doing the course because I want a change in career  from what I’m doing now , which something I can’t talk about ! I also believe everybody has the right to information and communication , this includes study and basic information like gay rights /support , so passing means I will just be one step from making my leap into interpreting and helping people get this information . I have been signing all my life as my mum is profoundly deaf) , then doing the piece to camera, editing and uploading and then sending to my teacher. Well parts 1 to 2 went smoothly. Parts 3 and 4 some issues, which were resolved, but part 5 well let’s just say the little beep, beep, beep is still uploading and has been since 10 o’clock this Morning!! It was supposed to be in by 2 this afternoon, well don’t think that’s going to happen. Anyway major rant, I find shouting at inanimate quiet therapeutic like LAP TOPS!!

Anyway Jo took herself off to the kitchen to bake. She knows me so well that she knows that the way to calm a ranting woman down is fill her with cupcakes!

Now full and calm. So calm that I text my teacher who replied “Oh bring it on usb stick or DVD tomorrow when you come to class. Jo pass me another cupcake. Anyway if there were any clips on YOU TUBE OF   British Sign Language SWEAR WORDS I would at this point upload them to show you the actions I did towards that text message.

2) The other thing that spoilt this weekend is that I became very low; my mood took a real nose dive. I can’t give an explanation because it’s part of the thing I can’t talk about ,  it just happens every so often a black cloud just resides over my head  for a little while, usually when I’m stressed out , which I have been .  I usually know what to do and that’s to remain quiet, have space, and usually sleep and it passes fairly quickly. But because of everything going it didn’t. Thankfully my mum and Jo know I can be a moody cow and leave me to it, but are there when it goes beyond a little downer.

Anyways please to say in the scheme of sorting out the uploading problems and eating far too many cupcakes I am back to my old self again (Jo probably thinking thank fuck for that!!)

Anyway going to catch up on some blogs, and work on some poetry.

May contain Rants

Mood v Libido

sex

I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

You run a bath, you say it’s to relax me

But I hear you pottering about

Waiting to be asked to join me

But I don’t

Dried I climb into bed , you’re already sat

Waiting, pretending to read, book closed

You lean over to  kiss me,

I return it back but

You turn this into a  passionate kiss

Again I return it  but  that’s as far as I wanted  it to go

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

You think I’m receptive because of that kiss

Next thing you’ve change your position you’ve straddle  me

You start to caress me ,

Hands on breasts

Kisses on my neck ,

Tongue  teasing nipples and my belly too

I know where it’s heading

So I usher you back up for more kisses

You’re trying to arouse me but none of it will work

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

I feel your hand move towards the inside of my thigh

I allow you to play for a while

in the hope it sparks  life into me

I feel  you as you enter inside me,  I don’t resist

again I hope a release of endorphins

to break this spell

that has been unfortunately cast on me

cos I really do want to Fuck you , but  it isn’ t going to be tonight

I say I’m sorry next time I promise to make you my

‘Pillow Queen’

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

You say it’s ok , that it your fault

you thought it might help

So there we lay spooned , I can feel your breasts in my back

You kiss my back and say

“ Just  wait and see tomorrow YOU will be fine”

You add your sweet dreams like you always do

Your arm around my belly and your fingers are entwined with mine

Suppressed  tears in my eyes , I’m angry with myself

and mad at you for being so bloody understanding

but then  secretly I am glad because

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

and your libido thought otherwise

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Bipolar day blues

bi

 I’ve been on a real downer today

I been locked in a space my head

With very little to say

I craved addiction again today

I’ve been crying so many tears of sorrow

That my eyes sting with pain

Please let me wake up sane tomorrow

I’ve been shaking too

Constant is the tap in my foot

And there’s a kick in the pit of belly that holds

a sickness that makes me wants to throw up

My legs feel heavy, but they wobble like jelly

There’s a song in my head

Bipolar day blues

An earworm

Constant

Constant

CONSTANT

Is its noise

I want to tell it to shut the Fuck up

I been on a real downer today

I been locked in a space my head

With very little to say

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

My Angel

spoon

It’s two in the morning

I wake gasping for air and YOU

But neither are there

My heart races, I can hear the

Marching thumps as they get

Louder and louder

and nearer and nearer

my brain is full of confusion

I want to text you but

know I can’t

you’re tending to the REAL sick and needy

then I see one missed called and that 

you’ve sent me a text about

10:45, I must have fallen asleep

it reads “I h8 night shifts, cu in morn sleep well babe luv u: x “

your words begin to calm me down  

because they represent   the ‘Whole’ you,

the woman I allowed myself to fall in love with

I get overwhelmed, begin to cry

if I was younger I’d blame my emotions

 on my  hormone’s playing tricks on me

but I know better…

its 2:30 in the morning

as I’m finding solace in my computer

my phone vibrates it’s you

with your ESP senses

“Hi babe, you ok, how long have you been awake?”

Your question leaves me dumbfounded

I reply “How did you know I was awake?”

“Babe I sleep next to  you at night,

I know when your

agitated ,troubled and scared

it’s always around 2ish

but you are never aware that

when you start shaking

I just wrap my arms around you

 and cuddle you in,”

I realise that I think I’m fine

but underneath   I’m still so damaged

it’s just YOU who takes everything away

during the night

god how did I come to EVER deserve you when

all I do is  selfishly

TRY and push you a way

My

Beautiful

Beautiful

Angel in the night

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland. All rights reserved