You did not care about my monstrous shape
And the snarled expression etched upon my face
You did not recognise the hideous beast
That I thought was me
You gave me a place of tranquillity
A place where I could be at peace
Perched up there high
Upon your spire
And as the night drew in
You’d usher me down
From my solitude
To frolic between your transept’s
And dance up and down your aisle
amongst the crevices of your nave
Until I reached your chancel screen
Where beyond laid your inner chapel
Ordained with such beauty
Your Alter laid
And on bended knee
You offered me your holy sacrament
And as I did I tasted the sweetness of your wine
A crescendo of bells would begin to sing
And the moon lit up the transcendent windows to your soul
They make write notes on neatly
torn pieces of paper… Mantra’s
They make me read them over and over again because my mind needs to be fed
In order to sustain the heightened sense it seems to be in
Yet my consciousness is locked away in a little box they will not allow it be free
In angst I cry in frustration in being me
This is not the life I wish to lead
I cannot live without solid foundations
But the mantras tell everything will be ok
and who am I not to believe
In my state of heightened frustration
June Bolland Copyright 2015
I’m readjusting to the silence
instead of conversing with you
I’m relying on one way conversations that now resonate in my brain
I’m recollecting the reasons why I fell in love with you
Maybe it had something to do with fact your eyes were an incredible blue
Maybe the colour attracted me
As I was familiar with the colour blue
The blue of my bipolar
But then I realised your eyes were not an ice cold blue
Like the thousand tears I cried before I met you
There was a warmth to them
they reminded me of the colour of the ocean
they invited me in
That day I fell in love with you
but loving someone with bipolar is a difficult thing to do ,
But for you falling in love with me was never going to be easy
there were minutes, hours, days, weeks, and even months
when I inexcusable hurt you and just pushed you away
But there were so many beautiful times when I drew you close into me
These are the times I’ll shall recollect
For no one in my past or in my future will ever compare to you
For you will always be my special
one with your eyes so blue
Copyright June Bolland 2015
Clouds of doubt
Over shadow my mind
Of how I miss the little things we use to do
I miss keeping your hand warm in my pocket on cold winter days
I miss waking to the now void that was once occupied by you
I miss driving you to work and waving you off
I miss our morning chats before the sun was barely up in the sky
But most of all I miss the softness of your skin
All the things we (I) took for granted
It hurts to think I’ll no longer share these things with you
I sometimes wonder
Did we make the right decision
To allow this illness that renders
my mind Incapable of logical thought
and allows it to continually push you away (now forever)
We should have fought harder you and I (for our love)
For we were (are) two people still very much in love ( you and I cannot deny the facts)
But life has a habit of getting in the way
It saddens me we are so near ,just living 3 miles apart , but you feel so far away that I know we both feel alone and lost
THINGS I HAVE LEARN’T SINCE HAVING BIPOLAR
CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY
EVEN THOSE ONES MADE FROM THE TABLE CLOTH
HANDED DOWN THE GENERATIONS
THEY LIED TO ME
THE VOICES IN HEAD
BECAUSE GRAVATION MAKES YOU GO SPLAT
AND YOU’LL END UP HAVING AN OPERATION
TO FIX YOUR BUSTED ANKLE
SO CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY
OTHER THINGS I LEARNT TOO
IS IF YOU PEEL BACK YOUR SKIN
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT
THE VOICES IN MY HEAD
TOLD ME TO DO
THE SKIN IS ICE BLUE
BÚT THEY LIED TO ME
MY SKIN IS PINK
MY VEIN ARE BLUE
SO NEVER TRUST THE VOICES INSIDE YOUR HEAD
AND IGNORE EVERYTHING THEY TELL YOU TO DO
For time will stand still for him for evermore
But for those left behind
Those that loved him
The pace of time will not changed
For tomorrow will still turn into today
And the memory of his lost will never go away
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Written and posted for World Mental Health Day 10/10/2014 and for all those of us and our families that are affect by mental health issues and in memory for those who have lost their battle to Mental health and the families they have left behind.
I have my final counselling session today and I am a little apprehensive. I don’t want it to end , I feel like I’m going to visit a really good friend for the very last time.It makes me feel sad but then again I should take it as a positive that I am grown up and no longer need my comfort blanket.
As I said in my previous posting I have recently been going through a really bad bipolar episode.I am now well on the road to recovery. My mood swings are finally levelling out due to new medications and due to the counselling sessions I have received.
My psychiatrist thought it would help me to attend counselling as I was beginning to isolate myself more and more. Anyone who suffers from Bipolar will understand how debilitating the isolation is when your going through a depressive phase. I find it difficult to explain how relentless the battle with it is. Generally I am loner anyhow, not of my own choice I might add but because I am the sole carer of mum who is paraplegic , I have been for the last 25 years and somehow the isolation of it’s duties have been forced upon me, non of which is my mum’s fault , as she didn’t choose her illness nor did I. It’s just that people, friends stopped asking me to socialise a long time ago and previous partners begrudged the amount of time and commitment that went into looking after my mum. This is the reason why my latest ex and I are still close, she’s the exception to the rule. (Discovered this through the counselling sessions) I know that people say the internet is a great place to maintain friendships and that it is also great place to meet new friends , maybe , I have yet to be convinced , I think they work for a while and then people move on, but I am not blameless it’s a two-way street and I know I am guilty in not keeping in touch and maintaining friendships, I blame it on my fear of rejection,I’ve always shut myself off from friendships before they reject me! ( also learnt through counselling). So whenever I go through a depressive phase the isolation is so much worst, because every bit of hurt,anger , frustration , rejection and self loathing is held deep within , and there is no one to share it with . So counselling was a blessing .
When I first started the counselling back in May I really didn’t think it would help, I thought it would be all cognitive behavioral therapy, which I’d previously had and which hadn’t worked. I was also worried that I wouldn’t like my counsellor , but I was proved wrong my counsellor Angela put me at ease straight away as we have a common interest we are both learning sign language. So the conversation began to flow very easily. I was so amazingly so open with her that I shared things about myself during that first session that no other living person knew about, so I came away surprised , relieved and optimistic.
I have looked forward to every counselling session since. Partly because it has given me purpose to get out of bed but more importantly it has been an opportunity to share hidden aspects life , my thoughts, in fact it was a place where I could just talk to someone in a non judgemental environment. It’s been a place of laughter and tears and importantly a place of rediscovering what makes me tick. It’s given me back a rejuvenated energy and a purpose of which direction I want my life to go in. I believe it’s fate that I had this Bipolar episode when I did because without it I wouldn’t I have met the wonderful people who have help me in my recovery including my psychiatrist and Angela my wonderful counsellor , who made me realise with her words of encouragement that I am an empathic person and that the counselling profession would benefit with someone like me. So you never know all being well I too could be able to counsel and help people in just like Angela has done with me. So hear’s to Angela for her Patience, her encouragement and kindness and making me realise it’s good to talk.
A very short synopsis of what’s been going on the last few months.
It would be fair to say that I have had a few difficult months recently. I had a major Bipolar episode at the end of February which plummeted me into a pit of absolute darkness , I tried to struggle on but by March I knew I couldn’t function .Whilst this was going on my relationship with my fiancee was falling apart all due to the intensity and problems surrounding my Bipolar. My ex became tired of trying to get me to listen to reason, in trying to persuade me that I needed to get help. No matter how well she coped with my rapid cycling and my sometimes rejection of her and the verbal abuse aimed at her too, she coped. What she couldn’t cope with was the issue of my denial and bad management regarding this illness.
My partner was always really good at reading when moods were about to change , where as I was more inclined to ignore them. In December she told me that she could tell I was heading for a breakdown and that I should seek help, I told her I was fine and choose to ignore her. BIG MISTAKE!
So January arrived and the extreme rapid cycling started, and then February arrived and this is when things began to come apart at the seams . I’ll set the scene for you -I was in a Board meeting at work facing 18 people and within minutes of the meeting I lost it. Luckily for me my manager and one my friends were there. As soon as I left the room I crashed to the floor and was lying in the fetal position , sobbing. This was the start.
Towards the end of March with the commencement of the breakdown still fairly fresh my partner and I had huge row all because I was still refusing to seek help. It was at this point she left me but only after I told her to leave. Never expecting her to actually go , I must admit I was not impressed , but now with clarity of mind I understand why she did go as now I know I left her with no other option, if I could have walked out on me I would have done. Anyway my partners absence was the wake up call I needed to go seek help. I saw a psychiatrist , who prescribed me new alternative medications to the ones I was taking. So March rolled into July and then things became a whole lot darker.
Now I’ve had frequent episodes but none have been as terrifying than this episode, purely because the new medications began to kick in. As a result drowsed I became submerged deeper in the darkness of my own thoughts, it was then I began hearing voices, I knew it wasn’t my inner voice or voices I recognised, these voices were menacing and terrifying as were the hallucinations I was also beginning to have. It initially started with a voice calling out my name , I turn but they’d be no one there , this would repeat itself , each time the voice would appear to come from a different direction. As time went by the voice turn into voices , at first they seemed to laugh and mock , then they became menacing , just writing about it gives me a chill. It was at this time the hallucinations began . I remember the first time it happen , it was the early hours of the morning , I thought I could hear foot steps on the landing , and then I saw two images watching me terrified I called my ex partner in the hopes she’d pick up the phone I didn’t know who else to call. Thankfully she answered her phone and within 15 minutes she arrived to calm me down.
My ex stepped in and decided to take some time off work to look after me , and my mum. The doctors agreed to let my ex look after me as she is a nurse.So since July , she been my rock. When needed she’s driven to my house in middle of the night and stayed awake with me as I have been terrified to be alone and when the voices and hallucinations were at their most prevalent, she told me focus on the blue skies and the view of the horizon by the sea where we often went to visit, happy times. She made sure my mum was properly looked after and more importantly she’s helped me survive this episode, by making me realise that I have so much to live for.Even though we are no longer romantically involve we are as close as we can be .But we both realise the relationship will never be rekindled but it doesn’t mean that we”ll ever stop caring for each other. I’m just so glad we have one of those relationships that despite everything we can still be part of each others lives, after all we will always be best friends. So here’s to looking towards the future, and the being thankful to appreciate those Blue skies on the horizon and to those who remind you that they are there.
I was reading my past posts on my blog yesterday. A majority (about 90%) of the poems I share are biographical. It was interesting to look back on the past year just by reading the poems and the postings .It’s a bit like reading a journal you kept when you were a teenage, smiling and thinking back on the past . I recently stumbled across an old journal dated 1982 , in which I wrote “ I think I’m in love with Sara Clark!” . But as a rule I don’t really like looking back into my past too much or at least I didn’t until I met Jo my fiancee (still can’t get my head around using that word to describe her even though it’s been 8 months since I proposed to her and more importantly she said yes!) .
I’ve realised through the postings and poems I’ve shared, it’s reminded me of how so much has happened in the last year of this blog and in real life.
I written about breaks ups (J and had two brief separations early last year) wrote poems and impromptu blogs about how my mum dealt with the stress and the worry and of the extremely long wait to find out if her cancer had come back or not. Thankfully she was given all clear in October. I’ve shared my thoughts in verse of how Jo’s heart condition deteriorated and how she had to be fitted with a pacemaker, which at 26 was young. I’ve documented my experiences of living with bipolar and described the relapses have I have suffered. I’ve shared my thoughts of my dad who passed 9 years ago and wrote poems about the sadness of my uncle’s passing (he was like a second father to me) . Oh and those poems which I have written for Jo.
I have learnt a lot about myself too. That it’s OK to let go, to expose the dark thoughts that invade my mind caused by my depression sometimes, whether it be in the form of poetry or even in just sharing my thoughts with Jo. But most of all It’s been a year of discovery, of knowing that I don’t have to carry this burden of stuff I’ve carried alone for so long, that far from me having fears of holding Jo back, I realise she is the one person who holds me up, and helps me carry the weight in fact just unburdens me of stuff that quite frankly doesn’t matter anymore and for that no amount of words can describe how much love I have for her. That’s why I proposed to her a week after her surgery on 19 July at Angel Bay, because I needed to show her how much I loved her and for once not just write about it . So we will have been together six years this July, happier than ever, albeit I have a closet full of her Jimmy Choo shoes crammed into my closets. That’s why I keep my shoes in the boot of my car! It is worth the sacrifice !
So would I say my blog year has been good? One word Yes! I lost the need to write for a while , but this past year I’ve realised that writing is therapeutic, it focuses the mind, cleanses it, makes you feel joyous (well it does me anyway! ) Then there is the added bonus of meeting other wonderful people on here too (although I have met one or two narcissist on my journey who appear to be far more interested in the number of followers they have, how many like they get,and so pre-occupied with stats, than they are in writing or blogging, which saddens me because I am not like that, I write for me, the fact that anybody else reads my blog in all honesty astounds me, likes posts I upload, leave lovely comments and follow my blog is truly humbling. So a huge THANK YOU from me for taking time to read my blog, never mind pressing the like button and commenting, and following, honestly I am for once lost for words. Anyway off for a few days away by the sea, as its my birthday tomorrow, so taking the laptop with me so I can catch up on some blogs I have been meaning to read for a while, especially now as I also have new glasses which have dyslexic lenses, as I dont know if some you realise I am dyslexic . So the glasses are a Godsend as sometimes other people’s work is sometimes hard to read. I’m OK with writing as I use a dyslexic word font . Anyway your comments are always appreciated.
One final thought: I wonder what ever happened to Sara Clark?
Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.
The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .
I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.
I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies
But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x
It fair to say I have that I’ve not had the best of weekends, this weekend. This is due to many things; some things I can’t discuss, nothing wildly exciting, I’m just not able talk about them.
The things that have pissed me off this weekend that I can discuss are
1) I have been on a really tight schedule regarding a British Sign Language course that I’m doing and I have an exam in about 4 weeks DON’T PANIC and a further one in about 8 weeks so things are a little full on at the mo. There never seems to be enough time to fit everything in with caring for my mum, counselling my mum at the mo as well as she’s waiting for the cancer results to come through. Trying to fit ’ ALONE’ time in with my girlfriend Jo oh and go to work! I suppose I could spend less time writing poems but in honesty they keep me SANE and SANE IS GOOD AT MO!!!
All week I had this looming panic about doing this piece of British Sign Language interpreting, which means writing it (most people think sign language is a direct interpretation of English it’s not .It has its own linguistics, it’s a complex language. It’s a beautiful language . I’m doing the course because I want a change in career from what I’m doing now , which something I can’t talk about ! I also believe everybody has the right to information and communication , this includes study and basic information like gay rights /support , so passing means I will just be one step from making my leap into interpreting and helping people get this information . I have been signing all my life as my mum is profoundly deaf) , then doing the piece to camera, editing and uploading and then sending to my teacher. Well parts 1 to 2 went smoothly. Parts 3 and 4 some issues, which were resolved, but part 5 well let’s just say the little beep, beep, beep is still uploading and has been since 10 o’clock this Morning!! It was supposed to be in by 2 this afternoon, well don’t think that’s going to happen. Anyway major rant, I find shouting at inanimate quiet therapeutic like LAP TOPS!!
Anyway Jo took herself off to the kitchen to bake. She knows me so well that she knows that the way to calm a ranting woman down is fill her with cupcakes!
Now full and calm. So calm that I text my teacher who replied “Oh bring it on usb stick or DVD tomorrow when you come to class. Jo pass me another cupcake. Anyway if there were any clips on YOU TUBE OF British Sign Language SWEAR WORDS I would at this point upload them to show you the actions I did towards that text message.
2) The other thing that spoilt this weekend is that I became very low; my mood took a real nose dive. I can’t give an explanation because it’s part of the thing I can’t talk about , it just happens every so often a black cloud just resides over my head for a little while, usually when I’m stressed out , which I have been . I usually know what to do and that’s to remain quiet, have space, and usually sleep and it passes fairly quickly. But because of everything going it didn’t. Thankfully my mum and Jo know I can be a moody cow and leave me to it, but are there when it goes beyond a little downer.
Anyways please to say in the scheme of sorting out the uploading problems and eating far too many cupcakes I am back to my old self again (Jo probably thinking thank fuck for that!!)
Anyway going to catch up on some blogs, and work on some poetry.
A long time ago before you were born I met my first demons
They climbed off the wallpaper that hung in my room
I knew as soon as dark arrived, I’d’ hear their whispers,
I feel them crawling upon my bed
I hold the blankets so tight over my head
To save them entering into my thoughts
My mother said it was my imagination that demons don’t come from wallpaper nor do they enter your head
She said I had nightmares,She bought a night light to protect me, she said
She was right these weren’t real demons these were just cartoon characters that came alive at night
Real demons are not scared of night lights they don’t come from imaginative thoughts they come from the darker side of you.
I thought it took strength and courage not lights to banish them away I thought I knew because demons had kept me company for years
But when I was older and I still kept the light on , checked under the bed,
in wardrobes and closets until the coast was clear they still came every night
wanting to tease
They’d crowd my chest until I couldn’t breathe, I’d fight for breath; head spinning, heart pounding , I’d reach for my special pills and then I would rest
It was like living in hell funny how though since you been by my side
These demons are no longer to be seen
I realise now it’s not night lights or pills
It’s you and your unconditional love
that keeps these demons away.