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Regret …

Would we ever have got past the ‘seven-year itch’?

Would our bed have become a bed of death?

I guess we’ll never know

Why did we give up on us too easily , me and you

Couldn’t we have fought harder to save our love?

I suppose life and distance always seemed to get in the way

Yet despite this no one could ever replace you

You are the frozen prayer, the miracle

I asked for

Back then

When my life was missing a piece

I now realise was you

I still speak of you in the present not the past

Because you’ve never really left have you?

You are my biggest regret for I should never have let you go

You are a constant presence that lurks beneath my skin

That stirs whenever I think of you

A temptation I must try to ignore

Mehefin Bolland © 2018

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Cross outs

Its that time between dusk and dawn

The time for lovers

To rediscover one another

This is time I miss with you

When we had endless chats

Time when we laughed

as we tried not to wake the neighbours next door

(God I miss your laughter)

And when I was feeling blue

You’d get up and make me a brew

and climb back into bed and snuggle

me in close to you so I could breath you in

(God I miss your smell)

I sometimes used to count down the hours

just to be alone with you

But now things have changed

The bed feels very strange

without you lying here next to me

I can still picture you engrossed in a book

Whilst I waited patiently for you to put it down so we could fuck

(God I miss the taste of you, I miss the softness of your skin)

But now the time between dusk and dawn

Is spent thinking about you

Its a time when the tears that have gathered all through the day finally flow free

Its a time for me to write down over and over

To summarise how I feel about life, how I feel about you, about us

But so many times I cross out what I want to write and start again

I often wish life was just as simple

That we could cross out all the bad bits and start over again

Because I want if I’m being honest, is to cross out what went wrong

And for me to be lying next to you,

watching you whilst your engrossed in your book waiting patiently for you to put it down

Because its that time between dusk and dawn

The time for lovers

To rediscover one another once again

© J Bolland 2016

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3am Lyrics…

12 months on
Do I sarcastically raise a glass to the fact that I survived
Or do I wallow because secretly I’m broken
without you here beside my side
Truth is all I know is I regret that day
That I finally drove you away
I remember the tears we both cried
That day we realised no matter how hard we tried There was no more us
There was
Just a you
Just a me
I’ve tried to move on
I’ve tried to stop the emptiness
that occupies my mind
With  the company of friends
But they are no substitute for you
They don’t get me like you do
(like you did)
There is an emptiness that lies next to me in bed
And no more words of devotion come in my head
There’s a longing in me
That feeling of love still lingers there for you
Because no one touched me like you do
(Like you did )
Early hours come and go
But your arms no longer wrap around me and wake me from my slumber
So many nights I have resisted calling your number
So in the early hours of the morn when I have the urge to talk to you
I instead outpour my feelings onto the page
I write because I am confused
I write for you my muse
But if the words are not there I play ‘our ‘ song
In order to remember all the good times we had
Before everything went wrong
So if you read my words
Because I know you do
remember those ‘ 3am lyrics’
Hold nothing but the truth
They say everything I feel about you
12 months on

© June Bolland 2016

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Truce…

My heart is over ruling my head today with random thoughts of you
I try and convince myself it will pass
I realised I asked too much of you
pulling you in
pushing you away
promising you the world
A promise I could not deliver
my bipolar saw to that

I realise my heart , it’s rhythm is slower these days
because you are no longer here to make it beat fast
but as I said my heart is over ruling my head today
Its making me think of happier times
Things I thought I’d put to bed
Random thoughts that now make me search out the box in my bed side draw, the one that holds our rings
I take yours out and gently hold it like I’m holding you again

My heart is asking my mind questions it has no right to ask
It’s wondering if I called you would say “Hello”
I’d ask you if we could call a truce on the love and hate thing that we’ve had going on
cos I hear your on you’re own again
and I’m thinking that you could do with a shoulder right now
But maybe not , as I said I cannot give promises I cannot keep
But maybe all I really  want to say to you is I fucked up and well my heart still misses you, but as I said my heart is over ruling my head today

© June Bolland 2016

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Absence…

How long has it been now ?
Since the great silence descended
How long has it been now ?
Since the nights became lonely and darker
How long has it been now ?
Since this void replaced you
The truth is I can’t ask you
as your absence is all too clear
So I shall have to answer my own questions
Not long enough do you hear
Does that surprise you my dear
What did you expect my world to come crashing down without you here to hold it up
See this is the madness of love
It can turn completely on its head
I once loved you so much
I’d have given you that world that I speak of
But now I can barely utter your name sometimes without having such feelings of contempt
It saddens me to think of you that way
But my absence has left you with a void you have quickly filled
It has allowed you to fill the silence with someone else’s laughter and make your nights no longer lonely or darker
Now I am not bitter at knowing this
You know me better than that
I just hope she makes you happier than
I did
Just promise me one thing though
If things do get difficult don’t run and hide , face up to them , challenge them
Do not give up like you did on us
Do not allow someone else to feel your absence .

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Blue eyes…

I’m readjusting to the silence
instead of conversing with you
I’m relying on one way conversations that now resonate in my brain
I’m recollecting the reasons why I fell in love with you
Maybe it had something to do with fact your eyes were an incredible blue
Maybe the colour attracted me
As I was familiar with the colour blue
The blue of my bipolar
But then I realised your eyes were not an ice cold blue
Like the thousand tears I cried before I met youu
There was a warmth to them
they reminded me of the colour of the ocean
they invited me in
That day I fell in love with you
but loving someone with bipolar is a difficult thing to do ,
But for you falling in love with me was never going to be easy
there were minutes, hours, days, weeks, and even months
when I inexcusable hurt you and just pushed you away
But there were so many beautiful times when I drew you close into me
These are the times I’ll shall recollect
For no one in my past or in my future will ever compare to you
For you will always be my special
one with your eyes so blue
Copyright June Bolland 2015

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The right decision?…

Clouds of doubt
Over shadow my mind
Of how I miss the little things we use to do
I miss keeping your hand warm in my pocket on cold winter days 
I miss waking to the now void that was once occupied by you
I miss driving you to work and waving you off
I miss our  morning chats before the sun was barely up in the sky
But most of all I miss  the softness of your skin
All the things we (I) took for granted
It hurts to think I’ll no longer share these things  with you
I sometimes wonder
Did we make the right decision
To allow this illness that renders
my mind Incapable of logical thought
and allows it to  continually push you away (now forever)
We should have fought harder you and I (for our love)
For we were (are) two people still very much  in love ( you and I cannot deny the facts)
But life has a habit of getting in the way
It saddens me we are so near ,just living  3 miles apart , but you feel so far away that I know we both feel  alone and lost

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I missed you today…

I missed you today
I didn’t intentionally wake
with thoughts of you
But I missed you today
I thought to myself
is this how it will be
now you’re no longer here
Will I always have times
When I sometimes think
I wish you were here
and will I have day’s like today
when I missed you my dear
Copyright June Bolland 2015

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First Times

finnjuneI stand alone with my solitary shadow

with hands empty longing to touch you

with too much time I haven’t got

I spend filling it with regret and if’s and but’s

hours get lost along with me

I sit with cigarette in hand

tears slowly fall and I blame the smoke

I sit and reminiscence of so many memories of beautiful times

the time I first saw you

I’d beamed you were (are) so beautiful

the first kiss ,

I smirked (I cupped your face in my hands)

the first time we touched

I smiled ( I held you so tight I knew I should never let you go)

the first time I saw you naked

I was in awe of you (you relit feelings so deep I forgot they were there)

the first time we made love

I was aroused by you (God remember how nervous we were)

And  when we  realised our love was lost to the complications of life ( I cried)

I stood alone with my solitary shadow watching

the waves crash against the rocks and I cried a little more.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May our lives always collide

LIFE 2You breathed life back into me

I rediscovered my inner child out with you

You filled my world with laughter and fun

You filled my heart with so much love, so much passion

Something that had been stolen and denied to me for so long

Not one day did I not enjoy sharing with you

Not one night did we not look forward to sharing ourselves

You  counselled me , opened me up , rid me of my demons

You allowed me to share secrets I held ashamed enclosed within

With you I found contentment , an inner a peace

But yet I was always running away from you

Because I never wanted you to be the one to leave ,

But always you’d run after me ,always with a kiss you reassured me

That whatever life throws at us we will never be at war you and me and

I do believe you

But know one thing no one will ever touch my soul like you do

With time , with space , we will redefined our relationship

Not again as lovers but as friends and one day not far from now

We will sit side by side on the fence leaning towards happiness

Because our lives were always meant to collide

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Our Bed

bed aI counted today how many days it has been

since you shared our bed,

it’s sixteen

And yet I still cannot bring myself to invade your space

So I remain lying still here on my side

With back turned away from the void

Where your frame once laid

Naked, still and so beautiful

Our bed full of happy times, sensual times, contented times

Stressful times of when you were ill, which I try to forget

Our bed … our haven, our own Utopia, our paradise, our private place.

A place for late night passion and early morning chats and cups of tea

Bedtime reading and flirtatious teasing

A place we watched full moons and constellations

And the rising sun and changing seasons

A place where we begin the working day

And looked forward to weekend play

A place that now feels as lost as me

where I now lie

still here on my side

With back turned away from the void

Trying desperately not to cry

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Random Break up thoughts

he

Hear that…

Twang

The vessels in my head snap

1, 2, 3 Ping

I feel the warm blood flow

My brain is over thinking

The blood, the memories

Coat and keep my brain warm

I see kaleidoscope images of you

Then reality hits and there is darkness all around

Tears have drowned my body

It is weak,

Too weak it could not hold onto you

 or wave you goodbye

People try to speak, make conversation

I hear their voices but their sound is muffled, distorted

Their words make no sense,

They try to console; try to say life has purpose without you

Sense. What is sense?

How can two people’s lives and love so entwined

Just end!  We gave up, we stopped believing

Purpose. What is purpose?

You were my purpose

You made me, shaped me from the mess you met

You gave me reason, to breath, to wake, to love

Now I’m left with the thoughts of us

The thought when I brought

You back to life when your heart was giving in

Now here am my heart is giving in

with you not here to save it

Hear that…

Twang

The vessels in my head snap

1, 2, 3 Ping

I feel the warm blood flow

The blood, the memories

Coat and keep my brain warm

My brain has over thought

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Tell me

tell me

Tell me how I should feel (because I do not how I should feel)

Tell me if this pain you left me with will heal (in time I hope it will)

Tell me if this bed will ever stop feeling so lonely (without you to share it)

Tell me if that look you gave me today wasn’t full of regret (because you know it was)

Tell me I’m wrong (Your eyes could never lie to me)

Tell me you don’t still care (because I know you do)

Why else did choose to be with me today instead of her (did she know where you were?)

Tell me 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

 

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Betrayal

you did

The news you delivered

I can still feel the kick to my gut

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

My brain stills resonates from your deceit

I deserved more than your secrecy

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

Your words meant nothing (did they?)

Mine meant everything, (every single last word)

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

You mocked me,

YOU PITIED ME!

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

You allowed me to dream a dream

 That was only real in my poems

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

Yet I still can’t hate you

Because I loved you so much

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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I was, You did, Were we?

a betI was naïve to the real you

I was blinded by your beauty

I was hungry for your touch

I was once so in love with you

I WAS

You did tarnish the image I had of you in the end

You did show me how ugly you became in the end

You did starve me of real affection in the end

You did give away the love you once had for me in the end

YOU DID

Were we?

Were we once?

Were we once so?

Were we once so in?

Were we once so in love?

WERE WE?

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Circles

circles

We are constantly walking in circles

Never straight lines

Never with purpose

We are constantly walking in circles

Never moving to my left

Never moving to your right

We are constantly walking in circles

We once walked in sync

But now we are so out of rhythm

We are constantly walking in circles

Fresh starts, mundane middles, heart breaking finishes

Reliving the same situations, over and over and over

We are constantly walking in circles

I want to break this sphere and straighten it out

This ecliptic that constantly over shadows

We are constantly walking in circles

I want to be able to walk forward, never looking back, never with regrets

I need to find way of walking forward with direction and purpose

Together or apart

But I am tired of constantly walking in circles

Over and

Over and

Over

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Peace keeper

i_wear_my_heart_on_my_sleeve_by_inside_battle-d3al6whI am peace keeper, a fool

see my  heart  is it tied upon my sleeve

with a sash of blue

it is the reason I hurt so  much

always playing the fool , the joker

living life through whimsical humour

but my face it reads truth it cannot lie

I tried appeasing you so many times

but I tired

I aged , with age comes courage

a courage that I thought would  never be mine

I did away with stroking your ego,

I served my time

12 years under your lock and key

I never once asked you to put me on a pedestal 

All I asked was for you to love me as much as I once loved you

You strayed 

I was weak once

but twice I had to be done with you

Yet you still left me broken in two

You left rage and  anger so deep in me that

If you were to stand before now

I could snap you in two but

I am peacekeeper  and but no longer your  fool

See my eyes they no longer cry tears for you

See my face it reads truth it cannot lie

my eyes no longer look through eyes of love

they see and they just pity you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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In your presence

bus

The reason for this to me is still unknown

Do you not have the courage to tell me goodbye?

Why?

When did this hatred of me begin

This divide between us built like a wall

Taller and wider than the one – You remember they had in Berlin

Why?

Tell me why there is such a divide

As my feelings for  you will always remain

But just recently your treatment of me has been so inhumane

Why?

But I can tell you just want to throw me to the wayside

So I keep silent and sit here in your presence feeling so alone

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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I need to go beach walking …..

Another impromptu posting with none of my attempts at poetry!

I seem to have found myself with a day off work , so I’m off on a trip back ‘home’ to North Wales, for a “Welsh fix”.

I need to be by the sea and I need to go ‘beach walking’  because I’m starting to dwell on things too much and that’s not good. I’m allowing things to happen that I don’t want to happen namely the separation of J and I.

I wish one of us had been unfaithful , I wish  we could  get angry. I wish we had a good enough reason for making ourselves miserable but we don’t truth be told the only thing that’s keeping us apart is the fear of the future ( you’ll have trawl through my earlier postings its far too early and complicated for me to explain!)

In the four years we were together we’ve had one  previous separation which lasted  for six months ( I basically lost the plot for a short while and she gave me space to sort myself out) other than that the odd silly little spat but no arguments. Friends/family say we’re perfect together , we compliment each other , we’re miserable when not sharing each other. Don’t get me wrong we weren’t joined at the hip. But it was just good knowing that what ever we did during the day was for the mutual care of one another, that we had each other to rely on , oh that someone other than family loved you, someone who thought you were worth the effort , she is that someone.

I’ve had previous partners of varying in times,  10 years, 7 and some no longer than a year, to be honest always been a bit cynical of relationships until J . I use to hear stories of how when people met and they’d say I knew she was the one and never understand  I do now, I want to grow with her ,simple as.

Anyway there’s an unknown quote  ” I never thought love was worth fighting for but then I look into your eyes I’m ready for war ”

Well I am ready to fight for us and a trip to the sea and walking on the beach is just what  I need to sort out my strategy.

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Selfish Wishes….

wishesI wish for a Tardis to travel in time

I wish for the words complication and compromise  did not exist

I wish my mother was well and able to walk

I wish my father was still here so could both  meet

I wish I was brave and had  a head for heights

so I could shout from the roof tops “ I LOVE YOU”

I wish our earth years were more equally matched

I wish your heart was mended and completely healed

I wish I could hold you and convince you everything will be alright

I wish could convince myself of the same thing too!

I wish you’d just come home so we could talk things through

And finally I wish you were lying  here by my side tonight

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Venus in Jimmy Choo’s

roomHome from work much too early

Catching up on mundane chores of life

Fresh clean bedding is laid on the bed

I recollect  how we writhed around  in the crisp Egyptian cotton sheets

Like wild animals in an eloborate  mating dance

The scent of your shampoo still remains on your pillows

where you once lay your head

I  realised how orderly everything now is

Except the thoughts that keep invading my head

There’s too much room on the dresser where a melody of colours once lived

Abundance of  space now invades the wardrobe that was once ours and

Coat hangers now hang redundantly

Space in the draws where your lingerie resided

Room in the cupboards where  your

Handbags and Shoes use to que, once all in order of size and  height of heel

I remember how when we were preparing for a evening  of pleasure

The air would would thick with your fragrance

And out of the mist my Venus in Jimmy Choo’s would appear

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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I Dreamt of you

I dreamt of you last nightdream

For those few brief hours

Back to how it was before

all the confusion commenced

To have our future still unplanned

and have all doubt cast aside

I dreamt of you last night

It felt so good to hold you

To feel you touch once more

To witness your nakedness

All senses awoken again

I dreamt of you last night

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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Between the heart and the head

A Happiness  lies curled up with us in our living room watching tvhearthead (267x169)

affection is present in our kitchen

Laughter is constant in the garden

But we both cannot avoid what needs to done

for hearts and heads get in the way

Yet Joy it waits on the staircase

Whilst passion is waiting for us upstairs

For  Sensuality  is bountiful in our bedroom

But  we both cannot avoid what needs to done

for hearts and heads get in the way

Now a silence sits between us

A sadness awaits in the hall

and  regret it lingers at the door

But  we both cannot avoid what needs to done

for hearts and heads get in the way

For confusion is  taking you away…

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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I miss you…

window

I miss the synchronized rhythm of  your hips

I miss kissing the inside of your thighs

I miss  looking deeply into your blue eyes

I miss all our stupid conversations , everything that was said

I miss the fact you no longer share our bed

I miss how  you’d  hold me real tight

I miss making love to you in the middle of the night

I miss the softness of your breast’s in the palm of my hands

I miss how you get me , when no one else understands

I miss , I miss

I miss you…

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

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Beach Walking

beach2

I remember four years ago it must be now since the first time

we travelled over to Wales together

It was just after we started dating

I recall we went beach walking

our footsteps in unison in the sand

I recollect it started to rain

and we ran hand in hand

Until we found shelter in the cove at Angel  Bay

I remember kissing you in the bay

as your lips were always so hard to resist

I remember  six months ago when I nearly lost you

we travelled over to Wales together

it was when you had just come home from hospital

I recall you  wanted  me to take you beach walking

our footsteps  in unison in the sand

I recollect you being weak and needing to rest so

we stopped at the cove at Angel bay

I remember kissing you in the bay

as your lips were always so hard to resist

I remember  two weeks ago when we made one last journey

We travelled over  to Wales together

it was when we decided we had no choice but  to part

I recall we needed to go beach walking

our footsteps in unison in the sand

I recollect the tears we both shed

as we hid from prying eyes in the cove at Angel bay

I remember  wanting to kiss you in the bay

as your lips were always so hard to resist

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

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Missing someone

miss you

 

Today I am missing someone

Someone who gave me purpose to get up in the morning

and face the chores of the day

Someone who’s touch and kisses are now all too quickly

fading into sweet memories

Someone who’s  beauty  charmed me

and  kindness always  protected me from harm

Someone who’s love was my saviour

Today I am missing her

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

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Seeing Red feeling Blue

red anblueyAs my emotions spiralled out of control

And my  conscience didn’t know right from wrong

All I knew was that I could not come to you

Your arms were not there to console

I had to pick myself up and be strong

I thought you cared , I thought you loved me

But how could you leave me sobbing like a child

How could you be angry , your reactions were so wild

How could you go on seeing red when I was feeling blue.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

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Open heart …Closed mind

LOCK AND KEY

Your body moving my body, there was no disguise

A shameless love is what we shared right from the very start

Silent words that we spoke

We talked using our eyes

Feelings held deep we awoke

Then I recall you began to hold me under lock and key

There was no control over your jealousy

You were not content until you caused me so much anguish

All feelings I had for you I relinquish

I had no choice you drove me away

I needed to leave you behind

I could not stay

I left you with a closed mind

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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