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Just a simple thank you…

This a very quick post .

 

Just wanted to say to those new followers thank you so so much for now following. For those who have been following for a while thank you for  remaining to do so.

It’s nice know people like  the stuff I share especially when its translated from my brain to the blog , I sometimes lack the confidence with the words I want to share, having you as an audience even if its just one or two of you reading makes a huge difference.

 

Apologies for not thanking you individually , just been far too busy studying linguistics , researching, translating and filming things for up and coming exams to find the time . But no matter how busy I was  I still wanted to THANK YOU!  .

 

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Blue skies on the horizon…

A very short  synopsis of what’s been going on the  last few months.

It  would be fair to say that I have had a few difficult months recently. I had a major Bipolar episode at  the end of February which plummeted  me into a pit of absolute darkness  , I tried to struggle on but by March I knew I couldn’t function .Whilst this was going on my relationship with my fiancee was falling apart all due to the  intensity and problems surrounding  my  Bipolar. My ex  became tired of trying to get me to listen to reason, in trying to persuade me that I needed to get  help. No matter how well she coped with my rapid cycling and my sometimes rejection of her   and the verbal abuse  aimed at her too, she coped. What she couldn’t cope with was the issue of my denial and bad management regarding  this illness.

My partner was always really good at reading when  moods were about to change , where as  I was more inclined to ignore them. In December she told me  that she could tell I was heading for a breakdown and that I should seek help, I told her I was fine and choose to ignore her. BIG MISTAKE!

So January arrived and the extreme rapid cycling started, and then February arrived and this is when things began to come apart at the seams . I’ll set the scene for you -I was in a Board meeting at work   facing 18 people and within minutes of the meeting I lost it. Luckily for me my manager and one  my friends were there. As soon as I left the room I crashed to the floor and was lying in the fetal position , sobbing. This was the start.

Towards the end of  March with the commencement of  the breakdown still fairly fresh  my partner and I had huge row all  because I was still refusing to seek  help.  It was at this point she left me but only after I told her to leave. Never expecting her to actually go , I must admit I was not impressed , but now with clarity of mind I understand  why she did go  as now I know I left her with no other option, if I could have walked out on me I would have done. Anyway my partners absence was the wake up call I needed to go seek  help. I saw a psychiatrist , who prescribed me  new  alternative medications to the ones I was taking. So March rolled into July and then things became a whole lot darker.

Now I’ve  had frequent episodes  but none  have been  as terrifying  than this episode, purely because the new medications began to kick in. As a result drowsed I became submerged deeper in the darkness of my own thoughts, it was  then I began hearing  voices, I knew it wasn’t my inner voice or voices I recognised, these voices  were menacing and terrifying as were the hallucinations I was also beginning to have. It initially started with a voice calling out my name , I turn but they’d be no one there , this would repeat itself , each time the voice would appear to come from a different direction. As time went by the voice turn into voices , at first they seemed to laugh and mock , then they became menacing , just writing about it gives me a chill. It was at this time the hallucinations began . I remember the first time it happen , it was the early hours of the morning , I thought I could hear foot steps on the landing , and then  I saw two images watching me  terrified I called my ex partner in the hopes she’d pick up the phone I didn’t know who else to call. Thankfully she answered her phone and within 15 minutes she arrived to calm me down.

My ex stepped in and decided to take some  time off work to look after me , and my mum. The doctors agreed to let my ex look after me as she is a nurse.So since July , she been my rock. When needed she’s driven to my house in middle of the night and stayed awake with me as I have been terrified to be alone and when the voices and hallucinations were at their most prevalent, she told me focus on the blue skies and the view of the horizon by the sea where we often went to visit, happy times. She made sure my mum was properly looked after and more importantly she’s helped me survive this episode, by making me realise that I have so much to live for.Even though we are no longer romantically involve  we are as close as we can be .But we both realise the relationship will never be rekindled but it doesn’t mean that  we”ll ever stop caring for each other.  I’m just so  glad we  have one of those relationships that  despite everything we can  still be part of each others lives, after all we will always be  best  friends. So here’s to looking towards  the future,  and the being thankful to appreciate  those Blue skies on the horizon and to those who remind you that they are there.

 

 

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Jimmy Choo’s in my closet

An impromptu posting.

I was reading my past posts on my blog yesterday. A majority (about 90%) of the poems I share are biographical. It was interesting to look back on the past year just by reading the poems and the postings .It’s a bit like reading a journal you kept when you were a teenage,  smiling and thinking back on the past . I  recently stumbled across an old journal dated 1982 , in which I wrote  “ I think I’m in love with Sara Clark!” . But as a rule I don’t really like looking back into my past too much or at least I didn’t until I met Jo my fiancee (still can’t get my head around using that word to describe her even though it’s been 8 months since I proposed to her and more importantly she said yes!) .

I’ve realised through the postings and poems I’ve shared, it’s reminded me of  how so  much  has happened in the last year of this blog and in real life.

I written about breaks ups (J and had two brief separations early last year) wrote poems and impromptu blogs about how my mum dealt with the stress and the worry and of the  extremely long wait to find out if her cancer had come back or not. Thankfully she was given all clear in October. I’ve shared my thoughts in verse of how Jo’s heart condition deteriorated and how she had to be fitted with a pacemaker, which at 26 was young. I’ve documented my experiences of living with bipolar and described the relapses have I have suffered. I’ve shared my thoughts of my dad who passed 9 years ago and wrote poems about the sadness of my uncle’s passing (he was like a second father to me) . Oh and those poems which I have written for Jo.

I have learnt a lot about myself too. That it’s OK to let go, to expose the dark thoughts that invade my mind caused by my depression sometimes, whether it be in the form of poetry or even in just sharing my thoughts with Jo. But most of all It’s been a year of discovery, of knowing that I don’t have to carry this burden of stuff I’ve carried alone for so long, that far from me having fears of holding Jo back, I realise she is the one person who holds me up, and helps me carry the weight in fact just unburdens me of stuff that quite frankly doesn’t matter anymore and for that no amount of words can describe how much love I have for her. That’s why I proposed to her a week after her surgery on 19 July at Angel Bay, because I needed to show her how much I loved her and for once not just write about it . So we will have been together six years this July, happier than ever, albeit I have a closet full of her Jimmy Choo shoes crammed into my closets. That’s why I keep my shoes in the boot of my car! It  is worth the sacrifice !

So would I say my blog year has been good?  One word Yes! I lost the need to write for a while , but this past year I’ve realised that writing is therapeutic, it focuses the mind, cleanses it, makes you feel joyous (well it does me anyway! ) Then there is the added  bonus of meeting other wonderful people on here too (although I have met one or two narcissist on my journey who appear to be far more interested in the number of followers they have, how many like they get,and so pre-occupied with stats, than they are in writing or blogging, which saddens me because I am not like that, I write for me, the fact that anybody else reads my blog in all honesty astounds me, likes posts I upload, leave lovely comments and follow my blog is truly humbling. So a huge THANK YOU from me for taking time to read my blog, never mind pressing  the like button and commenting, and following, honestly I am for once lost for words.  Anyway off for a few days away by the sea, as its my birthday tomorrow, so taking the laptop with me so I can catch up on some blogs I have been meaning to read for a while, especially now as I also  have new glasses which have  dyslexic lenses, as  I dont know if some you realise I am dyslexic . So the glasses are a Godsend as sometimes other people’s work is sometimes hard to read. I’m OK with writing as I use a dyslexic word font . Anyway your comments are always appreciated.

One final thought: I wonder what ever happened to Sara Clark?

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Even bloggers need a holiday !!

A short impromptu blog , well it’s seems ages since I have written any poetry but life the last few weeks has been really full on and lots of things have happened since my last posting. I have taken three British Sign language exams , so I had lots of preparation to do for those. I had the result of the first two exams and passed those , just waiting for the finally one to come through. I had an interview to get a place on  the British Sign language level 3 NVQ course starting in September and I managed to secure a place , which is really good as these places are hard to get on as they are very limited places, so I was thrilled to bits to be asked to do the course.

What else , well going back to a poem I wrote on 7 June 2013 (We will get you through this ), my partner was told at the age of 26 she need as pacemaker , anyway please to say she had the operation on 12 July and is doing really well and more importantly is feeling well, she has another 2 weeks recovery before she goes back to see her consultant but the difference in her is amazing.So with her having the op I took a week off to look after her . Now for the best bit of news , remember  I wrote a  poem on 4  June     ( Would you?) , well last week 19 July I took my partner to Angel Bay in North Wales which has featured in a number of poems I have shared ( its a really special place for both of us )  and I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me and she said YES! It was a complete surprise to her and it was a really special, beautiful  day. I had decided to ask her shortly after my partner was told about the pacemaker, but I wanted to do once she had the op and was well enough to travel (it drove me crazy  keeping it from her.) It to be honest it hasn’t really sunk in that she is now my fiancé, but I do feel very very blessed to have her here by my side and I know I am one lucky woman to have her to share my life. Anyway promise the poetry will resume shortly, I’ve  a few ideas floating about my head so I’ll be posting again soon. Anyway here’s a poem that basically sums up how I feel about the  engagement

And–that woman? she

was the universe’s tongue the universe

swallowed. That’s as good an explanation as any.

Once, in sleep, you started a dream soliloquy,

the grammar of which is snow on fire, the words are

neuron-scrawl, are words the elements sing to their molecules…

–I threw myself across you.

It wasn’t sex this time. I just wanted to keep you

beside me, in this world.”

-Albert Goldbarth

ps : Thanks Mr H for the title of this blog x

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Finally………

Howdy, and welcome to my blog. Yes finally after months of should I, shouldn’t I , I’ve managed to engage brain and index finger to create this blog.
Anyway why I am blogging now?…. erm good question ….. I have no idea , apart from back in 2009 I had a sort of Epiphany….. my mum was very ill and I had to take a forced 15 months career break and enforced period of confinement of sorts and I suddenly realised , bloody hell June you’re a carer, which scared me to half to death ,it had never entered my head before that I had been bestowed this ‘title’ and it made me take a serious look at my life and realised I stopped doing things I had enjoyed doing … writing, photography, and I had been learning BSL, which I stopped . Anyway I realised I could still do these thing’s and continue to be carer, I didn’t have to be stuck in a rut. So here I am back writing and I have enrolled and am currently study BSL Level 2 and I am in the process of dusting off the camera.
Hopefully you’ll come back for more ….. because that’s when this blog really gets going and the fun starts ,oh and I may have the odd rant or two.
June/ Finn x