A very short posting. Firstly it was wonderful monumental day on 26 June 2015 in the US but since then It has become apparent that the new celebratepride app/ photo profile that is trending on Facebook has gone viral. As a lesbian I would of thought I would of joined in this trend but I can’t because there are 79 countries left in the world where it is illegal to be a homosexual. How could I celebrate when many can’t. It would leave a very bitter taste in my mouth. So when homosexuality is no longer illegal in any country , when it is no longer punishable by life in prison or death then I’ll celebrate from the rooftops
I was going to write a review of 2014 , but to be honest it’s a year I personally wish to forget.I had an occuring bipolar episode which has effected me most of the year. I nearly lost the love of my life because I pushed her away, she left me for abit, but thankfully returned.Since then she has been at my side every step of the way.
I’ve never met a person with so much love and compassion. Dedicates most her time to helping and caring for me and her loved ones with no hesitation and never asks for anything return.
So I’m taking her away on a lovers holiday in the New Year to say thank you and to show her that no amount of words or poetry can really express the love I feel for her, sometimes showing her is far more important, anyway we’re going to spend some much dedicated time to all the things she loves to do and had missed out on for so long (one being Beach walking).
Now as to every coin there are two sides, as this is the case with my character, the fundamental things that make me tick and ultimately what makes me want to write and make me value things I believe in. I feel I should introduce newer followers to my mum aka (DB). How can I put it , she is singularly THE most important person in my life, thankfully my girlfriend gets this and understands this and does not feel threatened by it.
My mum has single-handedly taught me more about life and how to conduct myself through it than any other person alive or dead. But that’s to be attributed to the way she has conducted herself through her life .I feel it only right that I start at the beginning to explain what I mean when I say that. Now as a child at about 6 years old she became very ill and she developed T.B meningitis, she lost her mother at the age of 9 and also her eldest sister who was just 22 when she died , both her mother and sister also had T.B. My mum had an experimental operation which saved her life , but it was at the cost of her hearing (they destroyed her eardrums ) . Now my mum was lucky enough to have a father who had a no-nonsense kind of attitude to life , who had not only just lost his wife, his eldest child and was also witness to his youngest daughter (my mum) fighting for her life. He also kept his remaining three children together, held down a full-time job,and didn’t have the privilege of care leave or child care as is the case today, in the late forties early 1950’s these things did not simply exist. Anyway after my mum spent two yeas in hospital , as a no-nonsense kind of man he work his fingers to the bone to pay for my mum to go to a specialist boarding school as he had the hindsight to know she needed a head start because there were no special provisions for disabled people back then , there were no day schools for deaf children then . As result my grandfather’s intervention she ended up working in a hearing environment as a secretary.Remarkable for its time , never once has my mum ever let her disability stand in way, but unfortunately society and it’s environment have! She overcomes obstacles the world tries to challenge her with instead of grumbling why they’ve put them there in the first place. She is a true survivor in every sense of the word and as a result values her life more preciously than any other person I know and as out of respect I try to live my life in the same way. (Sometimes it is more difficult , than you think, but somehow her strength always gets me through!- It definately did this year , this year we helped each other out. )
My mum went back into work working in a film archives as a cutter/editor when I was 8, I became a latch key kid !
When my mother was 45 the after effects of the experimental operation she had as child came back to haunt her and she began find it difficult to walk. she had a spinal operation which found adhesion’s from the medication used were slowly killing her nervous system and again down to the wonders of medicine my mum survived but at a further loss of her ability to walk, and is subsequently as this was happening, she also battled breast cancer twice and ovarian cancer and skin cancer yet she is still with us.With not word of complaint. Nor has there ever been any moments she has felt sorry for herself.
They say that you only get one mother and mine is special. I became her carer 25 years ago when she was no longer able to walk, stand ,shower/ dress herself . As a family we agreed we did not want to rely on strangers and so far we haven’t (apart from when she has been in hospital). I work part time to look after DB , this means that week days mornings are regimented up at 4 , so I can get her ready , then its off to sort myself out . It breaks my heart to have to get her up so early , but she always says at Ieast I am lucky I get to see the sun rise.
I have one aim in life and that is to ensure that DB has the best quality of life, that she’s happy , for however long that maybe.
It’s important you also know I do not write these blogs to gain sympathy or anything egotistical, I purely write , one for myself because I enjoy writing as it calms my mind (because I have inherited the depressive gene off my dad!) and two I need to have a rant every so often because let’s be frank most people in this world are feckin annoying and stupid and are so feckin preoccupied with whats wrong with their life that they forget was right with it. Although I find it’s best deal with such people head on sometimes it’s not always the time nor the place and sometimes nothing can beat a good old rant!!
So that’s it , my mum summarized in a blog, and will explain what I write and the reason I write about certain things in future blogs. Nothing to more to declare, except the most important word to me is FAMILY and although mine haven’t always had an easy ride of it , we have stuck it out , and dealt with things head on and just got on with our lives as most of us do, but I suppose it’s all down to the genes and I’m lucky with mine
This a very quick post .
Just wanted to say to those new followers thank you so so much for now following. For those who have been following for a while thank you for remaining to do so.
It’s nice know people like the stuff I share especially when its translated from my brain to the blog , I sometimes lack the confidence with the words I want to share, having you as an audience even if its just one or two of you reading makes a huge difference.
Apologies for not thanking you individually , just been far too busy studying linguistics , researching, translating and filming things for up and coming exams to find the time . But no matter how busy I was I still wanted to THANK YOU! .
I was never attracted to blondes until met her
to me they always seem to be blue eyed and too pale
They were just not what I looked for in a female
You see I had a type
All my other girlfriends
were dark skinned coffee coloured eyed dykes
So what changed?
How do I begin to explain how the attraction
began to occur
To be honest it all a blur
It was 7 years ago
When she literally turn up at my door
But one thing for sure
She’s caring and kind and her heart s so pure
And when she opens her mouth and speaks
Her accent makes me melt and go weak
I could listen to her all day
And yet despite her caring side
she feisty and wild
She made me see life from a different angel
she’s turned my world on its head
And it’s not just the passion she brought to our bed
It’s beyond that
It’s the fact
She believes in me
She see’s things in me other people don’t see
So forget all the women I’ve loved in past
With their coffee eyes, black hair
and dark skin I loved them individually
For reasons and for seasons
But they were never meant to last
Because with her you see
No one can hold a candle
For I will love her for a thousand life times
Because being with her was met to be
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
An impromptu posting.
I was reading my past posts on my blog yesterday. A majority (about 90%) of the poems I share are biographical. It was interesting to look back on the past year just by reading the poems and the postings .It’s a bit like reading a journal you kept when you were a teenage, smiling and thinking back on the past . I recently stumbled across an old journal dated 1982 , in which I wrote “ I think I’m in love with Sara Clark!” . But as a rule I don’t really like looking back into my past too much or at least I didn’t until I met Jo my fiancee (still can’t get my head around using that word to describe her even though it’s been 8 months since I proposed to her and more importantly she said yes!) .
I’ve realised through the postings and poems I’ve shared, it’s reminded me of how so much has happened in the last year of this blog and in real life.
I written about breaks ups (J and had two brief separations early last year) wrote poems and impromptu blogs about how my mum dealt with the stress and the worry and of the extremely long wait to find out if her cancer had come back or not. Thankfully she was given all clear in October. I’ve shared my thoughts in verse of how Jo’s heart condition deteriorated and how she had to be fitted with a pacemaker, which at 26 was young. I’ve documented my experiences of living with bipolar and described the relapses have I have suffered. I’ve shared my thoughts of my dad who passed 9 years ago and wrote poems about the sadness of my uncle’s passing (he was like a second father to me) . Oh and those poems which I have written for Jo.
I have learnt a lot about myself too. That it’s OK to let go, to expose the dark thoughts that invade my mind caused by my depression sometimes, whether it be in the form of poetry or even in just sharing my thoughts with Jo. But most of all It’s been a year of discovery, of knowing that I don’t have to carry this burden of stuff I’ve carried alone for so long, that far from me having fears of holding Jo back, I realise she is the one person who holds me up, and helps me carry the weight in fact just unburdens me of stuff that quite frankly doesn’t matter anymore and for that no amount of words can describe how much love I have for her. That’s why I proposed to her a week after her surgery on 19 July at Angel Bay, because I needed to show her how much I loved her and for once not just write about it . So we will have been together six years this July, happier than ever, albeit I have a closet full of her Jimmy Choo shoes crammed into my closets. That’s why I keep my shoes in the boot of my car! It is worth the sacrifice !
So would I say my blog year has been good? One word Yes! I lost the need to write for a while , but this past year I’ve realised that writing is therapeutic, it focuses the mind, cleanses it, makes you feel joyous (well it does me anyway! ) Then there is the added bonus of meeting other wonderful people on here too (although I have met one or two narcissist on my journey who appear to be far more interested in the number of followers they have, how many like they get,and so pre-occupied with stats, than they are in writing or blogging, which saddens me because I am not like that, I write for me, the fact that anybody else reads my blog in all honesty astounds me, likes posts I upload, leave lovely comments and follow my blog is truly humbling. So a huge THANK YOU from me for taking time to read my blog, never mind pressing the like button and commenting, and following, honestly I am for once lost for words. Anyway off for a few days away by the sea, as its my birthday tomorrow, so taking the laptop with me so I can catch up on some blogs I have been meaning to read for a while, especially now as I also have new glasses which have dyslexic lenses, as I dont know if some you realise I am dyslexic . So the glasses are a Godsend as sometimes other people’s work is sometimes hard to read. I’m OK with writing as I use a dyslexic word font . Anyway your comments are always appreciated.
One final thought: I wonder what ever happened to Sara Clark?
As I said in my previous post, New Year , a time for reflection , taking stock and re-valuating things. So over the last week I have been taking stock, reflecting and jotting down things , projects I want /need to do . I think it’s important for each of us to set goals , to push ourselves , whether mentally or physically and not make excuses in not having the time to do things that make us happy. Even if you only have 15 minutes a day, you can begin the process .
Anyway on personal note I KNOW I need a leave of absence from social media for a while; feeling too tangled up (on Facebook right now) than is healthy for me, so started off the process of weaning myself away from it, which has begun with cleansing some of my friends off Facebook . Not because they’re not nice people, its just that there was no mutual social interaction , so I really didn’t see the point of justifying having them as friends on Facebook !
Then there is my blog , when I originally started I had no idea of how it would develop. Whether it would be me posting the odd rant every so often. It ended up with me sharing poetry ( I have no idea how or why it happened) but I’m glad it did. It got the creative juices flowing. I’m very self critical of my ‘writing’ , I don’t have the self belief in thinking that my poems are remotely any good , never mind even just OK.
This year I want to set myself a challenge with the blog, I have some idea’s on how I want it to develop , whether it will be more poetry , or more journal based I’m not sure yet .
But then I might actually start sharing photograph’s . Its a passion I had over 30 years ago, and recently I’ve been wanting to explore it again.
When I was in my late teens I ate ,lived , breathed photography, I was lucky enough to have two exhibitions of my work shown in Manchester, which were really successful . I wanted to pursue it as a career, so I study photography as an ‘A ‘level, built my portfolio up and I got accepted to study Photography at Manchester Polytechnic when I was 21 ,but never accepted the place on the course ,as my mum became really ill and life’s priorities changed. It was then put the camera away and stopped taking photographs . But always I still look at things from the view point that there an image , a photograph waiting to be captured Its very much the same when it comes to words or observations , I see the format of a poem or a blog .
My partner has been aware that there has been this niggle for quite a few months now, but I suppose self doubt and the knowledge that there is unfortunately an element of snobbery that exists when it comes to photography , I don’t know whether I have still what it takes. But as my partner says ” How do you know until you give it a go and try “. So for Christmas she bought me a new camera and told me ” You no longer have an excuse , go take some photographs, build your confidence back up!” ( Nice to know she believes in me !)
So yes I have a list of projects I want to do this year. A hundred ideas on blogs and poems I want to write. I have no idea when they will come to fruition . As they say time will tell.
Now normally at this of the day I’ve either written, or am about to write or have the formation of a poem in my head but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about my father. Those of you have followed this blog since it started in December will be aware that in the early part of my life , well will know that my father and I, we didn’t have the best of relationships due to his alcoholism. It was only until I was 22 that he finally admitted he had a problem and got help for his illness, (because it is an illness) did we have a really close relationship, although despite his illness, from being a small child I had always worshiped (the sober him ). But today I just really really miss him.
He passed away 9 years ago to a rare illness called Guillain–Barré syndrome (GBS) that effects only about one person in 100,000 every year. It is an awful illness , he developed shortly after having cancer surgery, on the day he was due to be discharged from hospital ,we sat and watch a physically strong man even though he had suffered cancer succumb to this disease, paralysed him from the neck down .He deteriorated over a period of eight weeks until his body could take no more as he developed secondary cancer and I had to make that decision no ever should have to take and that was turn his life support system off, we held his hand and watched him pass to I believe a better place.
During those eight weeks we use to sit with him for hours, held his hands and I would hum The Beatles songs to him (his favorite was Blackbird) or we’d read to him, or we put the CD player on and let him listen to the Goon shows and Spike Milligan ( he was a huge fan). It calmed him down because he used to get distressed being on a ventilator, during those eight weeks we became incredible close.
His loss has never left us nor will it ever, as I am sure anyone reading this who have lost a love one will understand. We talk about him all the time because it keeps him here. The only regret is he never met Jo my partner, he would of adored her and she him, I think they would of got on really well and at least they would have been able to have shared a conversation in their mother tongue – Welsh.
It’s strange how the overwhelming loss of someone hits you at certain times, but saying that not one day goes by that I don’t think of him , it’s just sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming. What’s even stranger is that they make their presence felt at the most strangest times too. Whenever I wish my dad was here you can guarantee I will find a penny in the most strangest places, same when I need guidance from him , low and behold I get up and find a penny . This goes for my mum too she’s found pennies in the strangest places too .It like they are a message from him saying don’t worry I am still around looking over you Today my mum found a penny in her bathroom, just at time she needed it. . I like getting pennies from heaven they give me comfort, never stop sending them dad. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that poem about the pennies he has sent, in the mean time we will just keep putting them in the jar.
Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.
The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .
I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.
I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies
But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x
Another impromptu posting . I originally started this blog back in November because I have written forever and I wanted to write again, I needed to write again , not for anyone else but just to clear my head of its thoughts. I don’t have an ego although I write poetry …go figure ,What i mean is I dont write for popularity etc etc , Take me or leave me . I don’t profess to be any good, my poems are straight from the heart from me , ,all bio or semi biographical so maybe the ego does come through , but i like/hope to think they are a release more than anything.. I’m honoured people like, that’s a plus ,so thank you x
In 2009 I stop writing , for two reasons my mother was seriously ill and I took 15 months of work to nurse her, she pulled through, proving she is the strongest woman I know alive or dead and two I finally began grieving my father for the for time since in his death in 2004, it took me 5 years to get to that point.
Earlier posts have described our relationship from me being a child to me an adult , when died. I’m glad we found peace with each other and that we had at least 15 good years to rebuild our relationship, I loved him so much and miss even , more now . I forgave him for my childhood , because he couldn’t forgive himself. Anyway I also started a new relationship in 2009 with a nurse who looked after my mother , she’s the muse in most of my poems and my soul mate .
Anyway we split in Feb for stupid personal reasons,not my choice, she moved out of my house and I started writing again to keep a) Sane and b) to keep busy . Unbeknows to me the girlfriend had been reading and realised how I felt ,and as result were back together , we’ve gone back to basics to discover why we fell in love with each other again. (No doubt future poems) So the moral of the story Words will always win.
Anyway the link is Andrea Gibson , who I bow to, I could listen to her forever , anyway I love her poetry , so heres just one of them, which is appropriate for discovering a new lover …..enjoy.