May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Paranoid thoughts…

You are the silhouette in the corner of my room

You are the sorrow snake that that writhes

Around in the pit of my stomach

You are the ice creature with human eyes

That follow me everywhere

You are the presence in the room

I cannot see

I can only feel

You are every fear I hold within

You are the pain that wants

To turn myself inside out

You are my paranoia

My paranoid thoughts

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

May contain Rants

This week has been a warning

[youtube=http://youtu.be/DtZp7MQE2ZM

Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.

The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .

I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.

I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies

But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x

May contain Rants

She who protects me

It’s three in the morningPANIC

And the darkness surrounds us

As you sleep

But I cannot sleep

I am fearful of the dark

I know they are coming

My mind is under siege

And I know I am not strong enough to withhold

The army of demons that is about to invade me

I can’t think straight

Should I take refuge within your arms (but I do not want to wake you)

Or do I run

I run

Into the cold and dark of open spaces

But it’s all too much

They are here whispering in the corners of the garden

They begin to taunt me

They laughter hurts my ears

I drop down to the floor as if to vanish in the ground

I lie there in foetal position

Silently weeping, shaking

Then you find me (you always find me)

You scoop me up

You sit me down

You wrap us both in a blanket

Dry my tears

Your voice soothes me

Shhh you say they’ve gone

There’s just you and me

You rock me and it calms me

You take me by the hand

And guide me towards upstairs

You lie me down

and cover me

Climb in beside me

Continuously you rock me

As I drift off to sleep

The darkness is bannished

No longer fearful

For you, my woman, wiser than her years

Always finds me

Rescue’s me

From the darkness of the night

And  the demons that taunt me

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Emotional overload

Push me too farbreak-up-1

I may fall of the edge

Pay me too little attention

I will cry out for help

Emotional overload boils within the darkest

deepest place in me

No control of how to be

For dark shadows are surrounding me

Emotional overload  drains me of my being

Strips me of all normality and identity

Emotional overload is slowly killing me

© Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.