May contain Rants

This week has been a warning

[youtube=http://youtu.be/DtZp7MQE2ZM

Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.

The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .

I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.

I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies

But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x

May contain Rants

the power of words = Love , Passion and being Alive!

Another impromptu posting . I originally started  this blog  back in November because I have written forever and I wanted to write again, I needed to write again , not for anyone else but just to clear my head of its thoughts. I don’t  have an ego although I write poetry …go figure ,What i mean is  I dont write for popularity etc etc  , Take me or leave me . I don’t profess to be any good, my poems are straight from the heart from me ,  ,all bio or semi biographical so maybe the ego does come through , but i like/hope to think they are  a release more than anything.. I’m honoured people like, that’s a plus ,so thank you x

In 2009 I stop writing , for two reasons my mother was seriously ill and  I took 15 months of work to nurse her, she pulled through,  proving she is the strongest woman I know alive or dead and two I finally began  grieving my father for the for time since in his death in 2004, it took me  5 years to get to that point.

Earlier posts have described our relationship from me being a child to me an adult , when died. I’m glad we found peace with each other and that we had at least 15 good years to rebuild our relationship, I loved him so much and miss even , more now . I forgave him for my childhood , because he couldn’t forgive himself. Anyway I also started a new relationship in 2009 with a nurse who looked after my mother , she’s the muse in most of my poems and my soul mate .

Anyway we split in Feb for stupid personal reasons,not my choice, she moved out of my house and I started writing again to keep a) Sane and b) to keep busy . Unbeknows to me  the girlfriend  had been reading and realised how I felt ,and as result were back together ,  we’ve gone back to basics to discover why we fell in love with each other again. (No doubt future poems) So the moral of the story Words will always win.

Anyway the link  is Andrea Gibson , who I bow to, I could listen to her forever , anyway I love her poetry , so heres just one of them, which is appropriate for discovering a new lover  …..enjoy.