Happy new year we cheered
Fresh starts
New beginnings
New love
New life
for some
Then things changed
Things started to get weird, strange times were just around the corner
And all those hopes and dreams were temporarily put on hold
For something that was beyond our control
Mass panic buying in shops
Disreguard for those not as fortunate as ourselves
As they looked disbondently at
All the empty shelves
Human contact was restrictly forbidden
And we were forced to stay apart from those we love
We socially distanced two metres apart
Latex gloves ,hand gel ,face masks became the norm
We found time to reflect on all the things that really mattered
We cleaned
We baked
We pottered in the garden
We zoomed
Skirting boards gleamed as we sat in the garden
Face timing friends as we ate banana bread
We washed our hands to the
tune of happy birthday
We clapped on Thursday for
all those who kept us safe and kept us going
and we morned those who passed
as the numbers kept on rising
Acts of kindness
Each gesture was never too small and under appreciated
And soon we pray that isolation will be over
And whenever that time maybe
Because with everything
There is always a start , a middle and an end
This is not forever
So for those of us who have been apart
When this is done never let go of those who hold a special place in your heart
Mehefin Bolland 2020
Category: Uncategorized
Tablets on toast…
Alarm clock rings
Birds sing
Half awake
The bedside lights are still burning
I’m still afraid to sleep in the dark these days
in case the demons return
And I’ve noticed I’ve lost my place in the book I was reading
Before I fell into a dreamlike state
Awake
I am conscious not just of my surroundings
But that my mood has flatlined whilst I’ve been sleeping
Barely I crawl out of bed
I don’t shower
Or dress
Its not the kind of day for effort
I make my way to the kitchen
With glass half empty
And toast on my plate
I pop the pills 1, 2, 3, and 4 onto the toast
But I don’t feel full
Like cheese and beans would make me feel
Tablets on toast just make me feel numb
Until I feel sleepy
Whilst all round me their day has just begun
Mehefin Bolland © 2018
Open…
I want to delve inside your heart
To understand what makes it tick
I need to taste you
To know if you’re really bitter or sweet
I need to look through your eyes
To see the beauty that you see
To feel the vibrations of malleus, incus and stapes
So I can understand the sounds that make you dance
To crawl beneath your skin
In order for me to feel every emotion that you feel
I want to explore every inch of you, until I find your soul
And when I do
I will open up to you and tell you how I really feel
Because my gut is saying you feel like home
Mehefin Bolland © 2008
Regret …
Would we ever have got past the ‘seven-year itch’?
Would our bed have become a bed of death?
I guess we’ll never know
Why did we give up on us too easily , me and you
Couldn’t we have fought harder to save our love?
I suppose life and distance always seemed to get in the way
Yet despite this no one could ever replace you
You are the frozen prayer, the miracle
I asked for
Back then
When my life was missing a piece
I now realise was you
I still speak of you in the present not the past
Because you’ve never really left have you?
You are my biggest regret for I should never have let you go
You are a constant presence that lurks beneath my skin
That stirs whenever I think of you
A temptation I must try to ignore
Mehefin Bolland © 2018
Rain down on me…
Rain down on me
Baptise me
Allow this blackness to disperse and disappear
For I have grieved far too long for those living and dead
It is if I do not hear the music anymore
I hear a strange lamentation instead
For those that were taken from me too soon or
were lost in heights of love
Rain down on me
So I may open my eyes to see the colour of her hair
Set fire to the sun
Let her warm this dead heart of mine
And let me hear the music once more
Mehefin Bolland © 2018
Linger…
If I was asked what is my favourite day would be
I have two I would reply
Saturday and Sunday
And it would be said without hesitation
For these are the days I like to wake before you
Just so I can watch you sleep a while
And wonder what you are dreaming
For there are all the days in between
when I have no time to linger
To take time to appreciate your beauty
So here I lie with my head on my pillow facing you
Trying not to move
As your arm is draped across my belly
I do not want to disturb you
So I lie perfectly still
Whilst I with photographic eye
I capture your image to hang in the darkroom of my mind
For those times when we are apart and you are working through the night
Sometimes you pretend to be sleep
Don’t think I don’t know
But the corners of your mouth begin to smile
Give the game away
Yet you allow me to take you all in
And when I am done
With your eyes still shut
You whisper in my ear
Morning
l says it back
And with eyes closed we lie face to face
Because on days like this we can linger
June Bolland © 2016
Legacy of words…
Quietly I sit looking for inspiration
As I try to unlock the words captive inside the cage in my mind
And all I am left with is the feeling of frustration
Of not being able
To set my thoughts free
To run across this empty page
That lies before me
There are so many things J
That I need to say
I sense you watching me from other side of the room
Briefly I break my concentration
and this comfortable silence that we sit to look at you
To ask if you’re ok
Yes you reply , but there is just one question you ask
Why do you need to write
Without hesitation
I reply for you!
To give you affirmation that my love for you is true
To show you the gratitude for you loving me and for allowing me to love you back too
And most important I continue to say my words they are a gift from me to you, a legacy
If for whatever reason I’m no longer a part of your journey
I hope you can look back on my memory of words
And know
that I was very much in love with you
June Bolland © 2016
Truce…
My heart is over ruling my head today with random thoughts of you
I try and convince myself it will pass
I realised I asked too much of you
pulling you in
pushing you away
promising you the world
A promise I could not deliver
my bipolar saw to that
I realise my heart , it’s rhythm is slower these days
because you are no longer here to make it beat fast
but as I said my heart is over ruling my head today
Its making me think of happier times
Things I thought I’d put to bed
Random thoughts that now make me search out the box in my bed side draw, the one that holds our rings
I take yours out and gently hold it like I’m holding you again
My heart is asking my mind questions it has no right to ask
It’s wondering if I called you would say “Hello”
I’d ask you if we could call a truce on the love and hate thing that we’ve had going on
cos I hear your on you’re own again
and I’m thinking that you could do with a shoulder right now
But maybe not , as I said I cannot give promises I cannot keep
But maybe all I really want to say to you is I fucked up and well my heart still misses you, but as I said my heart is over ruling my head today
© June Bolland 2016
Darkness…
Darkness invades my head
and the room where I lie
broken
Darkness hides my distorted thoughts and
My tears
Yet Darkness is where you hold me
In our love
And where we dance under the spotlight
Of the moon
Silhouettes are not required tonight …
Tonight I need your touch
I want to witness the love that stares
back at me
No pieces of shadows do I want to see
dancing on the wall in rhythmic formation
For silhouettes are not required tonight
Tonight I want our love to be surround by light
Where the soft hue outlines your beauty
In all its wondrous sublimity
Tonight I want our love to be shared amidst
The dimmed lights
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Scars and broken vases…
How would I feel?
How would I react?
To possibility that
I could meet you again
The thought of it chills me to my core
Not that I should be scared
Of upsetting you anymore
Or upset at
Remembering the things
You did
Bites, kicks, closed fist and of how I hid
I have a montage of scars concealed
And broken vases fixed
I probably try to evade you
But If I were to meet you again
I’d probably pity you
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
I get to see the sunrise…
Now as to every coin there are two sides, as this is the case with my character, the fundamental things that make me tick and ultimately what makes me want to write and make me value things I believe in. I feel I should introduce newer followers to my mum aka (DB). How can I put it , she is singularly THE most important person in my life, thankfully my girlfriend gets this and understands this and does not feel threatened by it.
My mum has single-handedly taught me more about life and how to conduct myself through it than any other person alive or dead. But that’s to be attributed to the way she has conducted herself through her life .I feel it only right that I start at the beginning to explain what I mean when I say that. Now as a child at about 6 years old she became very ill and she developed T.B meningitis, she lost her mother at the age of 9 and also her eldest sister who was just 22 when she died , both her mother and sister also had T.B. My mum had an experimental operation which saved her life , but it was at the cost of her hearing (they destroyed her eardrums ) . Now my mum was lucky enough to have a father who had a no-nonsense kind of attitude to life , who had not only just lost his wife, his eldest child and was also witness to his youngest daughter (my mum) fighting for her life. He also kept his remaining three children together, held down a full-time job,and didn’t have the privilege of care leave or child care as is the case today, in the late forties early 1950’s these things did not simply exist. Anyway after my mum spent two yeas in hospital , as a no-nonsense kind of man he work his fingers to the bone to pay for my mum to go to a specialist boarding school as he had the hindsight to know she needed a head start because there were no special provisions for disabled people back then , there were no day schools for deaf children then . As result my grandfather’s intervention she ended up working in a hearing environment as a secretary.Remarkable for its time , never once has my mum ever let her disability stand in way, but unfortunately society and it’s environment have! She overcomes obstacles the world tries to challenge her with instead of grumbling why they’ve put them there in the first place. She is a true survivor in every sense of the word and as a result values her life more preciously than any other person I know and as out of respect I try to live my life in the same way. (Sometimes it is more difficult , than you think, but somehow her strength always gets me through!- It definately did this year , this year we helped each other out. )
My mum went back into work working in a film archives as a cutter/editor when I was 8, I became a latch key kid !
When my mother was 45 the after effects of the experimental operation she had as child came back to haunt her and she began find it difficult to walk. she had a spinal operation which found adhesion’s from the medication used were slowly killing her nervous system and again down to the wonders of medicine my mum survived but at a further loss of her ability to walk, and is subsequently as this was happening, she also battled breast cancer twice and ovarian cancer and skin cancer yet she is still with us.With not word of complaint. Nor has there ever been any moments she has felt sorry for herself.
They say that you only get one mother and mine is special. I became her carer 25 years ago when she was no longer able to walk, stand ,shower/ dress herself . As a family we agreed we did not want to rely on strangers and so far we haven’t (apart from when she has been in hospital). I work part time to look after DB , this means that week days mornings are regimented up at 4 , so I can get her ready , then its off to sort myself out . It breaks my heart to have to get her up so early , but she always says at Ieast I am lucky I get to see the sun rise.
I have one aim in life and that is to ensure that DB has the best quality of life, that she’s happy , for however long that maybe.
It’s important you also know I do not write these blogs to gain sympathy or anything egotistical, I purely write , one for myself because I enjoy writing as it calms my mind (because I have inherited the depressive gene off my dad!) and two I need to have a rant every so often because let’s be frank most people in this world are feckin annoying and stupid and are so feckin preoccupied with whats wrong with their life that they forget was right with it. Although I find it’s best deal with such people head on sometimes it’s not always the time nor the place and sometimes nothing can beat a good old rant!!
So that’s it , my mum summarized in a blog, and will explain what I write and the reason I write about certain things in future blogs. Nothing to more to declare, except the most important word to me is FAMILY and although mine haven’t always had an easy ride of it , we have stuck it out , and dealt with things head on and just got on with our lives as most of us do, but I suppose it’s all down to the genes and I’m lucky with mine
Your body is the verse…
Your body is the verse
To which I serenade
Under the moonlight skies
Your body is the verse
I adore
With its sweet melody
It rocks me
Your body is the verse
your tune
your humming
makes me want to dance to its rhythm
and join in the chorus and sing out loud
Your body is the verse
that holds me in my sleep
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Reminiscing …
As autumn falls from the skies
We walk a while
Reminiscing of a summer
Now long gone
Of when you and I first met
Just before our great love affair
begun
When you asked if I believed in love
I remember I did not reply with words but a kiss
Stood there stationary in the harvest rain
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Hidden meaning…
You know my true feelings
Beneath my touch
You know my true words
Beneath the ink
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
An unbreakable bond…
What is love
Love is like dancing
Under a moonlit sky
Love is the feeling you
When you release a captured butterfly
Love is knowing you are there to hold
Love is knowing that when we fight
We are human enough
To admit when we are wrong
Love is you knowing every secret held in my soul
Love is having an unbreakable bond
Love is you and I
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
In your entirety…
Ours lips lock
Swirling of tongues
As I taste your kisses
I feel the softness of you
Lying there under me
In slow motion I caress
Your breasts
Everyone of my kisses are waiting
To explore you in your entirety
And as I journey further down slow
I rest between your thighs
I hear your mellow sighs
As I enter you
And ecstasy awaits you
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
MONDAY’S OFF…
LET’S GO WALKING IN THE PARK
AND DANCE AMONGST
THE AUTUMN LEAVES
LET’S GO BEACHWALKING
AND SIT A WHILE
AS THE SEA WASHES THE PEBBLES
AND MAKES THEM SHINY AND NEW
LET’S GO DRIVING AND LOUDLY SING SONGS
AND FORGET THE WORDS HALF WAY THROUGH
AND BELLY LAUGH WHEN WE DO
LETS STAY AT HOME AND MAKE THE MOST OF THE
TIME WE HAVE ALONE
I DON’T CARE
WHATEVER WE DO
AS LONG AS I SPEND IT WITH YOU
COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND
Velvet Skies…
Let us watch the moon rise
Let the daylight be hidden
By the dark velvet skies
Let us share ourselves
In all that is forbidden
And wake when the
Sun has risen
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Girls with no names…
I was never the settling down type
I didn’t buy the whole relationship thing
I didn’t believe in all the hype
I played the field
I kissed so many girls with no names
Broke so many hearts
to my shame
But non were ever good enough to last
And so quickly I moved on
Until there was you
Now I see myself growing old with you
As for the whole relationship thing
I’d say our matching rings say everything
Never again with there be anymore with no name
That was in the past
For your name is tattoo on my heart
I promise never to break your heart
Because I love only you
LOVE IS SAT THERE ON THE SOFA…
THINGS I LEARNT ABOUT MY PARTNER
SINCE NOW I HAVE BIPOLAR
THAT SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH
TO STAND BY ME NO MATTER WHAT
REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY TIMES
I PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH HER AWAY
THAT SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH
THAT WE AGREE TO TALK
IN FRONT OF STRANGERS
IN THE QUIET ROOM
THE ROOM THAT CALMS US BOTH
THE ROOM THAT CLEARS OUR MINDS
TURN OUR FEELINGS INTO WORDS
BRIDGES THE VOID
WHERE THE THIRD WHEEL SITS
BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME ENOUGH
LOVE IS SAT THERE ON THE SOFA
HOLDING MY HAND
TURNING WORDS INTO FEELINGS
LETTING ME KNOW
WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS
BECAUSE SHE REALLY DOES LOVE ME ENOUGH
COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND
Paranoid thoughts…
You are the silhouette in the corner of my room
You are the sorrow snake that that writhes
Around in the pit of my stomach
You are the ice creature with human eyes
That follow me everywhere
You are the presence in the room
I cannot see
I can only feel
You are every fear I hold within
You are the pain that wants
To turn myself inside out
You are my paranoia
My paranoid thoughts
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY…
THINGS I HAVE LEARN’T SINCE HAVING BIPOLAR
CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY
EVEN THOSE ONES MADE FROM THE TABLE CLOTH
HANDED DOWN THE GENERATIONS
THEY LIED TO ME
THE VOICES IN HEAD
BECAUSE GRAVATION MAKES YOU GO SPLAT
AND YOU’LL END UP HAVING AN OPERATION
TO FIX YOUR BUSTED ANKLE
SO CAPES DON’T MAKE YOU FLY
OTHER THINGS I LEARNT TOO
IS IF YOU PEEL BACK YOUR SKIN
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT
THE VOICES IN MY HEAD
TOLD ME TO DO
THE SKIN IS ICE BLUE
BÚT THEY LIED TO ME
MY SKIN IS PINK
MY VEIN ARE BLUE
SO NEVER TRUST THE VOICES INSIDE YOUR HEAD
AND IGNORE EVERYTHING THEY TELL YOU TO DO
COPYRIGHT 2014 JUNE BOLLAND
Happy…
Timelines are irrelevant to me
The past is exactly where it should be
With its contents that are no longer important to me
The future is exactly where it should be
With its contents I cannot yet see
This here and now is the only thing that
Interests me
Because I share it with you
And all its simple pleasures
In summer sitting under shady oak trees
Beaching walking and running from the swirl of the sea
Sitting at cafes, chatting, people watching, drinking copious
Amounts of tea
So why waste time on the past, the future
When what we have now is free
And that is to be happy
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
When the bough breaks…
When the bough breaks
His body will fall and
Lie there alone on the floor
No more pain and anguish
Will he feel
No more stigma will he face
For time will stand still for him for evermore
But for those left behind
Those that loved him
The pace of time will not changed
For tomorrow will still turn into today
And the memory of his lost will never go away
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Written and posted for World Mental Health Day 10/10/2014 and for all those of us and our families that are affect by mental health issues and in memory for those who have lost their battle to Mental health and the families they have left behind.
Bubble wrap…
You’re constantly worrying
About my moods becoming low
You say you want to protect me
Like a fine china mug
If they do
And wrap me up
in a bubble wrap hug
You’re constantly watching me
Checking to see if I am
Acting TOO well
Just in case I’ve been missing my meds
That if I become too high
I know you’ll be there to make THAT call
Like bubble wrap lying on the floor
I know you’ll be there to break my fall
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
” Say Cheese”…
Age 8
School photograph
“Say Cheese”
And dutifully I did
I grinned from ear to ear
The widest grin
There has ever been
Because I wanted to please them
I never wanted to worry them
But I did
I withdrew so far away
To a place I barricaded myself
Within the isolation that was myself
I was grinning no more
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Inner landscapes…
The inner landscape
Of me
Is damaged
Is broken
That one slip and I will fall
Between the cracks
Into the hell
That is my
Damage mind
But love will
Always be stronger
So with the strength
Of your arms
You pull me back through
Between the cracks
You hold on tight
Prevent me slipping into
The hell that is my
Damage mind
Because love is
Always stronger
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Bound by the thread of time…
Our love is not bound by the thread of time
It not dependent on the worldly elements
This earth has offers
Our love does not need them in order to survive
We are spirits
And our love
It soars like icarus should have
It is love is not bound by the thread of time
But by the ribbons of the fates
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Between the lines…
Hopelessly my mood began to trickle slowly
Through an hour glass
Everything familiar things began to disappear
Reality and fantasy became immersed into one
Life became deluded as I tried to balance my mood
Whilst I juggled those words I’d hope fall into verse
Persecution of the mind began
There was no time to ask for help
My mind spiralled out of control
I need to stay strong
Eventually I had enough faith
That someone would read between the lines
And see that I had written Help me!
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Just a simple thank you…
This a very quick post .
Just wanted to say to those new followers thank you so so much for now following. For those who have been following for a while thank you for remaining to do so.
It’s nice know people like the stuff I share especially when its translated from my brain to the blog , I sometimes lack the confidence with the words I want to share, having you as an audience even if its just one or two of you reading makes a huge difference.
Apologies for not thanking you individually , just been far too busy studying linguistics , researching, translating and filming things for up and coming exams to find the time . But no matter how busy I was I still wanted to THANK YOU! .
Egos go splat…
I’m tripping of over egos
That lay lying on the floor
Splat!
There goes another one
sometimes the ego
Becomes too big for the people
That are responsible for looking after them
they over balance because
Some people just let them get too fat
So be careful of the
misplaced ego’s
That lay lying on the floor
Make sure you look after your’s
Before you too go
Splat
And you’re the one who
Lays lying on the floor
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
DRESS LIKE SPIDERMAN …
SOME PEOPLE WISH FOR RICHES
TO DRIVE IN FLASH CARS
MERCEDES OR PORCHE TO NAME BUT TWO
SOME PEOPLE WISH FOR EXPENSIVE THREADS
TO ADORN THEIR BACK
BY WEARING DESIGNER SUITS
SOME LIKE TO FLASH THEIR CASH
TO GO SHOPPING IN EXPENSIVE STORES
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO FORGET TO REMEMBER
ME I’D LIKE TO GO BACK TO 1971
REMEMBER HOW COOL IT IS WAS TO BE A CHILD BACK THEN
TO BE 5 YEARS OLD
DRESS IN YOUR SPIDERMAN COSTUME
YOU GOT FOR CHRISTMAS 1970
TO BE RIDING YOUR BICYCLE
WHILST YOU PEDDLE DOWN THE ROAD
OF POPPING BLACK TAR BUBBLES ON WARM SUNNY DAYS
MAKING BIRDS NEST OUT FRESHLY CUT GRASS
OH TO BE A CHILD A AGAIN IN 1971
COPYRIGHT JUNE BOLLAND 2014
A journal to survival…
Leaving
It’s been 8 months 15 days
Since my thoughts disappeared
Into the blueness of my mind
Until nothing of me was left behind
Deeper I withdrew myself a little more
each day
I did not realised you leaving
Lost
It been 8 months 4 days
Since I let you slip away
And my demons arrived to stay
To cavort and taunt me
They would not let me be
I tried so hard to beat them
But soon I began to realise
they had won and I had lost
Hallucinations
It’s been 4 months 22 days
When the voices arrived
They mocked me
I was petrified
I witness my own death
And my own cremation
This was the being of
the hallucinations
Recovery
It’s been 3 months 15 days
I did not know what to do
I called for your help to get me through
Even though we were no longer lovers
You arrived in the middle of the night
You calmed me and reassured me
You told me you be there and help me recover
Survived
It’s been 2 months 2 days
When for the first I day awoke
I could smile
It been a while after all the
days and months sat in darkness
But I realised I was still alive
That I had survived
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Sex…
Sex
This is what I want to share with you
To have your naked body
Lie with mine
Mouth
Hands
Fingers
I need to feel your touch
To be skin on skin with you
Until our bodies lie entwined
All of you
I want to rediscover the parts of you
I have missed so much
To let my senses get high on you
Complete
And when we are both satisfied
Unware there is anything
other than the space we now occupy
I want us to lie there face to face
With our gaze locked
So to feel the emotional connection
Of the intimacy we have just shared
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
A sensual request…
Are you well enough
are sure really that you’re
ready for this?
Aren’t you still feeling fragile?
You’ve not long been recovered
It’s been a while
Maybe we should
forget about this
In turn I reply
Come over here
Stop your worrying
It’s only a kiss!
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Words are everywhere…
I carry words around with me in my head
And in the back pockets of my jeans
Words I’ve written of when I think about you
I have words on bits of paper hiding
in journals on the table at the side of our bed
I find words in the pockets of my jackets
In book I’m reading
And in books I have read
Words I’ve written whilst I’m at work
When I’m day dreaming of you
Random words that lie dormant
in the draws of my desk
Words full of such emotion
And expressions of deep rooted feeling’s
But there’s only one word
The truest word
That says what I will always feel about you
This word I carry in my heart
The word is LOVE
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Desires of wanting you …
Let’s touch base
Let’s discuss things face to face
Let me outline the facts
And tell you where my head is at
Babe I cannot lie
I cannot resist you for
very much longer
The urge to kiss you
is getting stronger
I miss your touch
I miss the softness of your skin
I miss your sweet sighs so much
But I know
We agreed to take things slow
But the desires of wanting you lying
next to me in our bed
Invade the thoughts in my head
But please don’t think
I want to rush you
It’s just every day
you’re not here
I miss you more
It’s because it’s you I adore
So please consider
what I have said
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Attraction …
I was never attracted to blondes until met her
to me they always seem to be blue eyed and too pale
They were just not what I looked for in a female
You see I had a type
All my other girlfriends
were dark skinned coffee coloured eyed dykes
So what changed?
How do I begin to explain how the attraction
began to occur
To be honest it all a blur
It was 7 years ago
When she literally turn up at my door
But one thing for sure
She’s caring and kind and her heart s so pure
And when she opens her mouth and speaks
Her accent makes me melt and go weak
I could listen to her all day
And yet despite her caring side
she feisty and wild
She made me see life from a different angel
she’s turned my world on its head
And it’s not just the passion she brought to our bed
It’s beyond that
It’s the fact
She believes in me
She see’s things in me other people don’t see
So forget all the women I’ve loved in past
With their coffee eyes, black hair
and dark skin I loved them individually
For reasons and for seasons
But they were never meant to last
Because with her you see
No one can hold a candle
For I will love her for a thousand life times
Because being with her was met to be
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Love letter…
I’m trying to write a love letter
If I’m being honest
I started off quite well
I’ve managed to write down her name
“Dear J”
But then the nib of my pen
became frozen to the page
And so did the thoughts in my brain
I’m trying to express the way I feel
But my head is full of facts it doesn’t
Know where it’s at
So many questions and answers
Of my desires of wanting her
And how I’ve missed her touch
And how I long for her kisses
Of how I love her
so very much
But do I dare
after asking her to take things slow
Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t got
Any further than “Dear Jo “
My head screams
So I try to relax, refrain
Start again
But the nib of my pen is still
frozen to the page
The words just won’t come
They cannot be written
Maybe it’s time for this bullet to bitten
Maybe I should just ring her instead
COPYRIGHT 2014 June Bolland
Backpack Society…
What is wrong with this society
With it’s judge others before we judge
Ourselves mentality.
We daren’t ask of the roads they travel
We do not want to contaminate our feet
by wearing their shoes
We do not want to be weighed down
by the backpacks that
carry their dreams
These are the lost
unravelled
left vulnerable
By our Backpack society
We pretend to look the other way
We do not like to meddle
In throwaway society
Where it is acceptable to queue for days
For the latest apple id
Yet we shun those that have no choice
But to sleep in piss soaked doorways
Begging for small change
And so I plead
Look into your heart
In this Backpack society
Do not judge others before you judge yourself
Remember each and everyone of us
has a name
Everyone is human too
Copyright 2014 June Bolland
Unfinished conversation from yesterday…
You asked me yesterday
if I believed in hope
in others words for you and I
I couldn’t reply
I told you I needed space to think
So here lies the truth
This what I think
I wasn’t looking for serious
I wasn’t looking for commitment
I had a heart full of brokenness
A soul full of guilt
But you were the Celt gypsy who arrived
to steal my heart and
claim my soul to dance with it
in the rain
Without you I do not live
I merely exist
Without you I do not feel the
breath of air as it enters my lungs
You are every thought that enters
my mind
You are the skin on my bones
For you are integral to my being
You will always be part of me
That’s why I cannot ever stop
being in love with you
So yes I do believe in hope.
Copyright June Bolland 2014
A four letter word…
I try to write but the words that have been locked inside my head
Desperate to be freed, to be expressed
But the sentences have disappeared
This what a four letter word like meds do to you
My days seem to bleed from one day into the next
As I try to write these words
And as ink connects its self to the page when I think of your name
it weeps through
This is what a four letter word like love do to you
My nights are filled with dread
Every noise, creak, groan
Makes me think there’s monster under my bed
When really it all irrational made up stuff in my head
This is what a four letter word like fear do to you
Copyright June Bolland 2014
Its good to talk …
I have my final counselling session today and I am a little apprehensive. I don’t want it to end , I feel like I’m going to visit a really good friend for the very last time.It makes me feel sad but then again I should take it as a positive that I am grown up and no longer need my comfort blanket.
As I said in my previous posting I have recently been going through a really bad bipolar episode.I am now well on the road to recovery. My mood swings are finally levelling out due to new medications and due to the counselling sessions I have received.
My psychiatrist thought it would help me to attend counselling as I was beginning to isolate myself more and more. Anyone who suffers from Bipolar will understand how debilitating the isolation is when your going through a depressive phase. I find it difficult to explain how relentless the battle with it is. Generally I am loner anyhow, not of my own choice I might add but because I am the sole carer of mum who is paraplegic , I have been for the last 25 years and somehow the isolation of it’s duties have been forced upon me, non of which is my mum’s fault , as she didn’t choose her illness nor did I. It’s just that people, friends stopped asking me to socialise a long time ago and previous partners begrudged the amount of time and commitment that went into looking after my mum. This is the reason why my latest ex and I are still close, she’s the exception to the rule. (Discovered this through the counselling sessions) I know that people say the internet is a great place to maintain friendships and that it is also great place to meet new friends , maybe , I have yet to be convinced , I think they work for a while and then people move on, but I am not blameless it’s a two-way street and I know I am guilty in not keeping in touch and maintaining friendships, I blame it on my fear of rejection,I’ve always shut myself off from friendships before they reject me! ( also learnt through counselling). So whenever I go through a depressive phase the isolation is so much worst, because every bit of hurt,anger , frustration , rejection and self loathing is held deep within , and there is no one to share it with . So counselling was a blessing .
When I first started the counselling back in May I really didn’t think it would help, I thought it would be all cognitive behavioral therapy, which I’d previously had and which hadn’t worked. I was also worried that I wouldn’t like my counsellor , but I was proved wrong my counsellor Angela put me at ease straight away as we have a common interest we are both learning sign language. So the conversation began to flow very easily. I was so amazingly so open with her that I shared things about myself during that first session that no other living person knew about, so I came away surprised , relieved and optimistic.
I have looked forward to every counselling session since. Partly because it has given me purpose to get out of bed but more importantly it has been an opportunity to share hidden aspects life , my thoughts, in fact it was a place where I could just talk to someone in a non judgemental environment. It’s been a place of laughter and tears and importantly a place of rediscovering what makes me tick. It’s given me back a rejuvenated energy and a purpose of which direction I want my life to go in. I believe it’s fate that I had this Bipolar episode when I did because without it I wouldn’t I have met the wonderful people who have help me in my recovery including my psychiatrist and Angela my wonderful counsellor , who made me realise with her words of encouragement that I am an empathic person and that the counselling profession would benefit with someone like me. So you never know all being well I too could be able to counsel and help people in just like Angela has done with me. So hear’s to Angela for her Patience, her encouragement and kindness and making me realise it’s good to talk.
Blue skies on the horizon…
A very short synopsis of what’s been going on the last few months.
It would be fair to say that I have had a few difficult months recently. I had a major Bipolar episode at the end of February which plummeted me into a pit of absolute darkness , I tried to struggle on but by March I knew I couldn’t function .Whilst this was going on my relationship with my fiancee was falling apart all due to the intensity and problems surrounding my Bipolar. My ex became tired of trying to get me to listen to reason, in trying to persuade me that I needed to get help. No matter how well she coped with my rapid cycling and my sometimes rejection of her and the verbal abuse aimed at her too, she coped. What she couldn’t cope with was the issue of my denial and bad management regarding this illness.
My partner was always really good at reading when moods were about to change , where as I was more inclined to ignore them. In December she told me that she could tell I was heading for a breakdown and that I should seek help, I told her I was fine and choose to ignore her. BIG MISTAKE!
So January arrived and the extreme rapid cycling started, and then February arrived and this is when things began to come apart at the seams . I’ll set the scene for you -I was in a Board meeting at work facing 18 people and within minutes of the meeting I lost it. Luckily for me my manager and one my friends were there. As soon as I left the room I crashed to the floor and was lying in the fetal position , sobbing. This was the start.
Towards the end of March with the commencement of the breakdown still fairly fresh my partner and I had huge row all because I was still refusing to seek help. It was at this point she left me but only after I told her to leave. Never expecting her to actually go , I must admit I was not impressed , but now with clarity of mind I understand why she did go as now I know I left her with no other option, if I could have walked out on me I would have done. Anyway my partners absence was the wake up call I needed to go seek help. I saw a psychiatrist , who prescribed me new alternative medications to the ones I was taking. So March rolled into July and then things became a whole lot darker.
Now I’ve had frequent episodes but none have been as terrifying than this episode, purely because the new medications began to kick in. As a result drowsed I became submerged deeper in the darkness of my own thoughts, it was then I began hearing voices, I knew it wasn’t my inner voice or voices I recognised, these voices were menacing and terrifying as were the hallucinations I was also beginning to have. It initially started with a voice calling out my name , I turn but they’d be no one there , this would repeat itself , each time the voice would appear to come from a different direction. As time went by the voice turn into voices , at first they seemed to laugh and mock , then they became menacing , just writing about it gives me a chill. It was at this time the hallucinations began . I remember the first time it happen , it was the early hours of the morning , I thought I could hear foot steps on the landing , and then I saw two images watching me terrified I called my ex partner in the hopes she’d pick up the phone I didn’t know who else to call. Thankfully she answered her phone and within 15 minutes she arrived to calm me down.
My ex stepped in and decided to take some time off work to look after me , and my mum. The doctors agreed to let my ex look after me as she is a nurse.So since July , she been my rock. When needed she’s driven to my house in middle of the night and stayed awake with me as I have been terrified to be alone and when the voices and hallucinations were at their most prevalent, she told me focus on the blue skies and the view of the horizon by the sea where we often went to visit, happy times. She made sure my mum was properly looked after and more importantly she’s helped me survive this episode, by making me realise that I have so much to live for.Even though we are no longer romantically involve we are as close as we can be .But we both realise the relationship will never be rekindled but it doesn’t mean that we”ll ever stop caring for each other. I’m just so glad we have one of those relationships that despite everything we can still be part of each others lives, after all we will always be best friends. So here’s to looking towards the future, and the being thankful to appreciate those Blue skies on the horizon and to those who remind you that they are there.
Jimmy Choo’s in my closet
An impromptu posting.
I was reading my past posts on my blog yesterday. A majority (about 90%) of the poems I share are biographical. It was interesting to look back on the past year just by reading the poems and the postings .It’s a bit like reading a journal you kept when you were a teenage, smiling and thinking back on the past . I recently stumbled across an old journal dated 1982 , in which I wrote “ I think I’m in love with Sara Clark!” . But as a rule I don’t really like looking back into my past too much or at least I didn’t until I met Jo my fiancee (still can’t get my head around using that word to describe her even though it’s been 8 months since I proposed to her and more importantly she said yes!) .
I’ve realised through the postings and poems I’ve shared, it’s reminded me of how so much has happened in the last year of this blog and in real life.
I written about breaks ups (J and had two brief separations early last year) wrote poems and impromptu blogs about how my mum dealt with the stress and the worry and of the extremely long wait to find out if her cancer had come back or not. Thankfully she was given all clear in October. I’ve shared my thoughts in verse of how Jo’s heart condition deteriorated and how she had to be fitted with a pacemaker, which at 26 was young. I’ve documented my experiences of living with bipolar and described the relapses have I have suffered. I’ve shared my thoughts of my dad who passed 9 years ago and wrote poems about the sadness of my uncle’s passing (he was like a second father to me) . Oh and those poems which I have written for Jo.
I have learnt a lot about myself too. That it’s OK to let go, to expose the dark thoughts that invade my mind caused by my depression sometimes, whether it be in the form of poetry or even in just sharing my thoughts with Jo. But most of all It’s been a year of discovery, of knowing that I don’t have to carry this burden of stuff I’ve carried alone for so long, that far from me having fears of holding Jo back, I realise she is the one person who holds me up, and helps me carry the weight in fact just unburdens me of stuff that quite frankly doesn’t matter anymore and for that no amount of words can describe how much love I have for her. That’s why I proposed to her a week after her surgery on 19 July at Angel Bay, because I needed to show her how much I loved her and for once not just write about it . So we will have been together six years this July, happier than ever, albeit I have a closet full of her Jimmy Choo shoes crammed into my closets. That’s why I keep my shoes in the boot of my car! It is worth the sacrifice !
So would I say my blog year has been good? One word Yes! I lost the need to write for a while , but this past year I’ve realised that writing is therapeutic, it focuses the mind, cleanses it, makes you feel joyous (well it does me anyway! ) Then there is the added bonus of meeting other wonderful people on here too (although I have met one or two narcissist on my journey who appear to be far more interested in the number of followers they have, how many like they get,and so pre-occupied with stats, than they are in writing or blogging, which saddens me because I am not like that, I write for me, the fact that anybody else reads my blog in all honesty astounds me, likes posts I upload, leave lovely comments and follow my blog is truly humbling. So a huge THANK YOU from me for taking time to read my blog, never mind pressing the like button and commenting, and following, honestly I am for once lost for words. Anyway off for a few days away by the sea, as its my birthday tomorrow, so taking the laptop with me so I can catch up on some blogs I have been meaning to read for a while, especially now as I also have new glasses which have dyslexic lenses, as I dont know if some you realise I am dyslexic . So the glasses are a Godsend as sometimes other people’s work is sometimes hard to read. I’m OK with writing as I use a dyslexic word font . Anyway your comments are always appreciated.
One final thought: I wonder what ever happened to Sara Clark?
At the centre of my universe
are two women
one that gave me life
and other one who makes life complete.
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland
Tonight I write about my father.
Now normally at this of the day I’ve either written, or am about to write or have the formation of a poem in my head but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about my father. Those of you have followed this blog since it started in December will be aware that in the early part of my life , well will know that my father and I, we didn’t have the best of relationships due to his alcoholism. It was only until I was 22 that he finally admitted he had a problem and got help for his illness, (because it is an illness) did we have a really close relationship, although despite his illness, from being a small child I had always worshiped (the sober him ). But today I just really really miss him.
He passed away 9 years ago to a rare illness called Guillain–Barré syndrome (GBS) that effects only about one person in 100,000 every year. It is an awful illness , he developed shortly after having cancer surgery, on the day he was due to be discharged from hospital ,we sat and watch a physically strong man even though he had suffered cancer succumb to this disease, paralysed him from the neck down .He deteriorated over a period of eight weeks until his body could take no more as he developed secondary cancer and I had to make that decision no ever should have to take and that was turn his life support system off, we held his hand and watched him pass to I believe a better place.
During those eight weeks we use to sit with him for hours, held his hands and I would hum The Beatles songs to him (his favorite was Blackbird) or we’d read to him, or we put the CD player on and let him listen to the Goon shows and Spike Milligan ( he was a huge fan). It calmed him down because he used to get distressed being on a ventilator, during those eight weeks we became incredible close.
His loss has never left us nor will it ever, as I am sure anyone reading this who have lost a love one will understand. We talk about him all the time because it keeps him here. The only regret is he never met Jo my partner, he would of adored her and she him, I think they would of got on really well and at least they would have been able to have shared a conversation in their mother tongue – Welsh.
It’s strange how the overwhelming loss of someone hits you at certain times, but saying that not one day goes by that I don’t think of him , it’s just sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming. What’s even stranger is that they make their presence felt at the most strangest times too. Whenever I wish my dad was here you can guarantee I will find a penny in the most strangest places, same when I need guidance from him , low and behold I get up and find a penny . This goes for my mum too she’s found pennies in the strangest places too .It like they are a message from him saying don’t worry I am still around looking over you Today my mum found a penny in her bathroom, just at time she needed it. . I like getting pennies from heaven they give me comfort, never stop sending them dad. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that poem about the pennies he has sent, in the mean time we will just keep putting them in the jar.