May contain Rants

Is life really so bad?

I hadn’t realised it been just over 2 months since I posted my last blog.

To be honest haven’t wanted to write anything that requires me to think. I’ve been dealing with an old back injury and trying to manage my Fibromyalgia, which flared up and repaid me an unwelcome visit last July. So currently having intense physio and attending a pain management clinic , just so I can really stop relying on the pain meds and also get off the anti-depressants, because with having Fibro and dealing with chronic pain comes depression, it’s a vicious circle . But in my experience you mustn’t dwell on the negative. Positivity, having a sense of humour being able to laugh is the key to beating pain, harder said than done, cos trust me belly laughs hurt.

Anyway so here we are, Christmas is over, 2013 has gone, and so a brand new shiny Year awaits to be filled with new memories. But I felt the need to write something today, for two reasons really

One because it’s a New Year .I love New Year, it a time to take stock, reflect, and set yourself new challenges. However going back to work, and listening to conversations, I am amazed at how many people whinge, moan about a variety of things life throws at them. They moan about work, money, etc., etc. Don’t get me wrong I love a good rant, but it’s usual about the way people behave, how they conduct themselves, about how injustice exists because of their behaviour.

Yet not one rejoices on the fact they are alive, well , probably happy sharing their life with someone they love, with no real hardship because they have a roof over their head and a bed to sleep in , clean clothes on their back and a belly so full of food. A head that has the luxury to dream, create ,have choices to do, be anything, find a balance of putting up with the crap life throws at them and being content they have an outlet to express themselves, they have the luxury of time to write lists of future plans, a bucket list. But instead people, they wallow in self-pity, why can’t people just be happy they have their health, a future.

Secondly I write this because my partner who is a sister in a large cancer hospital , she works on the a teenage cancer ward, every day she and her staff tend , nurse patients who aren’t let’s face not going to get well . On Thursday she went back to work and one of her patients is a young man, he’s 15, he’s been ill and in hospital since November, he and his parents were told that he probably won’t make it to July. So she spent the majority of the day comforting him and his parents. This young adult who will never know that feeling of being in love, of having children, be able to moan about the 9 to 5 and the rat race, will never be able to write lists of things he wants to do.

Sort of puts life in perspective really doesn’t it?

May contain Rants

My Heart

care of heartThere’s fragility to my heart

Yours alone to handle

Yours alone control the rhythm of its beats

Yours alone to do what you wish

Love it

Care for it

Save it

Nuture it

Do as you wish

Just promise me you will try not to

Break it

Damage it

Or

Lose it

I give the fragility of my heart to you

It belongs to no one else but you

It is yours until the last beat stops beating

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Face to Face

the night is ours aloneFace to face

That first time

Hands barely touching

Fingers tips tingled at

Your slightest movement

Then THAT embrace

Eyes so blue

I found myself

Consciously fixed by your gaze

Not wanting to look away

Unlike I normal do

I don’t do the eye connect thing

But you

The first time I looked into your eyes

You transposed me into the deepest part of your soul

Into a vision of such beauty

A beauty I will never witness again

Or would want to.

Then there were you lips

The fullness of your pout

Exciting

Enticing

Then there was THAT kiss

That was five years ago

And now your touch still makes my fingertips tingle

And your kisses still entice me

But

Still  I don’t do the eye contact thing

With anyone but you.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Time and Distance

luckyI watched you unpack

Your suitcase

I missed you I said

You stopped, smiled

Turned and kissed me on the cheek

And said I’ve missed you too

But I was only gone four days

The house was quiet without you

I said

Empty, tidy but colder

But in a funny way

I missed your mess

I’m glad your home

You turned wrapped

your hand in mine

Until you squeezed it tightly

And said I’m glad I’m home too

But I was only in Amsterdam

My minds been working overtime

Without you here to calm it

I said

You’ve been on my mind constantly

You let go of my hand and hugged me

and  said I thought of nothing but you too

But I told you it was only four days away in Amsterdam

I know I said its seems nothing

when you say like that

But in seconds it sounds so much worst

In my mind

You were  gone for

345600 seconds

and seemed so far away

 495 Kilometres away to be exact!

I told you my mind’s been

working over time

But I missed you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Look in the mirror and smile

Sometimes I look in the mirror and check the make up mirror adult child

Not cosmetically,

But the physiological make up that makes me

Sometimes I look and see the confidence

The strength with every new line that appears

But sometimes (rarely now)

I see a child’s image reflect back at me

The eight years old (me)

Weak, timid, no voice and a million fears created

by the violent noises that surrounded me

From my Jekyll and Hyde father

Memories that sometimes are so clear,

I am back there, hiding behind the sofa as a battle is fought

In the living room

It’s a noise that never leaves you

I hate violent noise

Angry voices still now

I shun those’s who take me back to hear this noise

these days I fight for the underdog, the supressed , those who feel like I felt

when mother’s shout and scream at their child

I offer a reassuring smile

to comfort to send a message not all adults scream and shout

some of us smile

so maybe when they’re grown they won’t remember

the violent noise that came from their mother mouth

maybe just maybe they will remember

the stranger that gave them that reassuring smile

and when they are grown maybe they will look in the mirror

And see an image a of smiling face starring back at them

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

From Morning until dusk

mornThe morning is for us

From that first kiss that awakes

Me from my dreams about you

To smiling at you as lying next to me

The mid-morning and afternoons are full of thoughts of you

Mid-morning smoke breaks and texts from you

To counting down the hours til you get home

Lunchtime chats that end with I love you

The evening is always spent will you?

Catching up on the day’s events we’ve both been through

Listening to music, watching TV, me writing poetry and you bringing me tea

Evening full of laughter, and chatter

The dusk is for us

Filled with passion and the exquisite touch of you

Alone time, our time

And kisses we share to send us to our slumber

And as we lie face to face we both say goodnight

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Shoes

two shoes

We are like two pairs of shoes

You and I

Those that  walk in unison

That have travelled down roads

Some would find it hard to endure

Down the same path

We walk in unison

Same pace, side by side

Heading for

Our dream

Our home

Our haven

We are shoes that dance when no one is around

We dance to the same song you and I

Slowly

Rhythmically

Always in time

So we never to step on each other’s feet!

But sometimes we avoid other people’s shoes

Not to avoid walking in them- no

But because other peoples shoes have a tendency

Of treading on your toes

And kicking you in the shins

And stomping on you when you’re down

But for some

We are shoes that will walk a thousand miles

To carry them home

Because we care enough

About the one’s we love

When times get hard

And they are heavy with burden and

Can no longer walk

We will carry them home

And at night when the moon has risen in the sky

Our shoes they sit side by side

Sharing the darkness of the night

Until it is  morning and again they walk in unison

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

One of those days

daysIf today was a texture it would be course wool

The kind that makes you itch as it touches your skin

If today was a colour it would grey

The kind of colour of breeze blocks that they use to build prison walls

If today was an emotion it would sorrow

The kind of emotion you know you want to cry

But don’t cos you’re afraid you’ll never stop

If today was a sense it be summed up in a look

The kind of look that disengages you from looking towards the light

If today was a time it would be ten to two

Kind of a time you need  time to yourself

But know in reality that’s it’s not going happen until after five

It on days like these that you have to get through

For you never know tomorrow might be

 yellow in colour and have the texture of silk

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Winter sands

 

rhos 2

As autumn arrives

And winter is not far behind 

The beach becomes a void

Of the throngs of families

Who came in their droves

To frolic and dance on the vast yellow shores

That now lie deserted, abandoned

No more castles will be built until the spring

Yet there is beauty in these unspoilt sands

That makes us walk for miles until we reach the beaches end

And we come to the Bay

Desolate

The waves crash harder against the rocks on the Bay

As we wrap up in thick winter coats to keep the winds from biting

As the tides drive the sea further than it has flowed all year

And the winter sand stings

Rock pools drown in the ebbing tides

And boats are neatly moored in the quayside

And apart from the gulls cry,hungry for food

That’s no longer there to steal

The silence is overwhelming

The greyness of the skies blend into the greyness of the ocean

The shore has been reclaimed

And ours are the only foot prints to be seen along the shore

This is the time I love to go beach walking with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

The waiting Room

waiting in hosp

People silently sitting

Some sit with hands fidgeting

And knees twitching

Nervous tension

Sat in neat orderly lines and rows

Waiting, clock watching

Tick tock tick tock

They sit with fear etched on their faces

There’s a sense of  premature sadness that fills the air

Waiting, clock watching

Tick tock, tick tock

Empathic smiles shared between strangers

In corridors and rooms with sterile coloured walls

With magazines on tables 3 months out of date

and discarded  styrofoam cups

Soft muzak plays to soothe the  patients as they wait to learn their fate

Waiting, clock watching

Tick tock, tick tock

For their name to be called

For their futures to be decided

Whether it is allowed to continue as it was before

But for those who are told the bad news (no one wants the bad news)

They leave the doctor’s office

With their world crashing down

Tumbling around their feet

Whilst those left sit patiently

Smile with empathic grins

All thinking the same thought

There but for the grace of God (go I)

But still they sit

Waiting, clock watching

Tick tock, tick tock

For their name to be called out

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

My Angel needs love

Sometimes my angel needs to rest her wings     angel wings on chair

It’s can be tiring taking

Care of everyone else but herself

Sometimes she just needs the security within my arms

To feel the love surround her, shield her

On those days that are bad

When she is reminded of past memories

That suddenly just appear

To understand and have no fear

That I am always here

To bestow a thousand kisses

To know that I will be there to rock her to sleep

And dry her tears as she weeps

and neatly put away her wings

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Tonight I write about my father.

Now normally at this of the day I’ve either written, or am about to write or have the formation of a poem in my head but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about my father. Those of you have followed this blog since it started in December will be aware that in the early part of my life , well will know that my father and I,  we didn’t have the best of relationships due to his alcoholism. It was only until I was 22 that he finally admitted he had a problem and got help for his illness, (because it is an illness) did we have a really close relationship, although despite his illness, from being a small child I had always worshiped (the sober him ). But today I just really really miss him.

He passed away 9 years ago to a rare illness called Guillain–Barré syndrome (GBS) that effects only about one person in 100,000 every year. It is an awful illness , he developed shortly after having cancer surgery, on the day he was due to be discharged from hospital  ,we sat and watch  a physically strong man even though he had suffered cancer succumb to this disease, paralysed him from the neck down .He deteriorated  over a period of eight weeks until his body could take no more as he developed secondary cancer and I had to make that decision no ever should have to take and that was turn his life support system off, we held his hand and watched him pass to I believe a better place.

During those eight weeks we use to sit with him for hours, held his hands and I would hum The Beatles songs to him (his favorite was Blackbird) or we’d read to him, or we put the CD player on and let him listen to the Goon shows and Spike Milligan ( he was a huge fan). It calmed him down because he used to get distressed being on a ventilator, during those eight weeks we became incredible close.

His loss has never left us nor will it ever,  as I am sure anyone reading this who have lost a love one will understand. We talk about him all the time because it keeps him here. The only regret is he never met Jo my partner, he would of adored her and she him, I think they would of got on really well and at least they would have been able to have shared a conversation in their mother tongue – Welsh.

It’s strange how the overwhelming loss of someone hits you at certain times, but saying that not one day goes by that I don’t think of him , it’s just sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming. What’s even stranger is that they make their presence felt at the most strangest times too. Whenever I wish my dad was here you can guarantee I will find a penny in the most strangest places, same when I need guidance from him , low and behold I get up and find a penny . This goes for my mum too she’s found pennies in the strangest places too .It like they are a message from him saying don’t worry I am still around looking over you Today my mum found a penny in her bathroom, just at time she needed it. . I like getting pennies from heaven they give me comfort, never stop sending them dad. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that poem about the pennies he has sent, in the mean time we will just keep putting them in the jar.

pennies

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Always,Then and Now

MEETING

Always

She’s beautiful, and yet she’s sees beauty in me I never even knew existed

She saw a future for the two of us, long before I could see

She gave me space and time

She remain strong, steadfast

She didn’t give up

She offered me truth, love and trust

Then

I learned to see myself through her eyes

I opened my mind to the possibilities of a future I could at last see, could at last feel

I needed the confinements of her arms

I stopped running, turned round to where she stood and saw beneath her beauty

I knew then what she offered me was real

I realised only she could show me the meaning of what truth, love and trust was

Now

We both see the beauty in everything we have

We now wear rings that plan for a commitment in the future

We both share a space in each other hearts, place that no one else can own

We both walk down the same road side by side

We both know that we offer each other a lifetime of truth, love and trust

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

On nights like this…

in bed

On nights

When neither of us is ready to sleep

We’ll lie face to face

And lose ourselves in conversation

Our fingertips

Will gentle dance over each other’s skin

And as we’d touched

We’d leave finger prints of passion

And the intensity would resonate

Throughout our frames until we would become

Entwined with an invisible thread of love

We would become one

And as we’d inhale each other’s breath

With the kisses we’d share

The night would disappear in time

And the dawn would break

And we would then  realise we never did sleep

Tonight has a feeling

That it is one of those nights

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

That Autumn evening

dress floWe met in the spring. You always can recall of how it was an instant connection, the thing we now know to be love. By late summer we had fallen in love. Sharing passionate kisses and lingering embraces. But never taking it further. We had to be sure that this was really something we wanted to pursue. You were 21 and I was 42, but yet the years in between melted away. You had never experienced real love, these feelings were so new to you and I was well still healing from her and then came that evening in early autumn…

Do remember I came round to see you

I think we were both aware what was about to take place that evening

It had been building for weeks, but now with minds free, mind set

We were ready to take to another level

I remember how beautiful you looked in that floral dress

And how nervous you were

You were trembling like the leaves blowing in the autumn winds

On the trees outside your window

I remember how inviting your lips were as you nervously spoke

I remember I pressed my finger to your lips and told you shh

And then I kissed you and you kissed me back

And how I began to unbutton your dress

And how you undid my belt

I remember taking off that floral dress

It was like the unveiling of statue of a Goddess

You were beautiful

My Venus

Then both together there alone equal in our nakedness

We laid together

God we were so nervous

And then it began with the sharing of kisses

And touching of faces, mouth, neck and breasts

We became relaxed

Emotions let free

Months of anticipation gone

That first connection

Was one of peaceful intimacy

Slowly, we explored each other

Pleasure should never be rushed

And slowly the intensity began to build

Until the moment of pure euphoria

Erupted between our thighs

Remember how we laid there after

Just staring into each other eyes

With still lingering fingers you traced my face

As I did yours

I remember when the evening was over

I  watched you putting back on your floral dress

Knowing that life would never be quite the same

For you and I

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Sex appeal!

your interesting and different.I remember our first date

Walking home with you

And your fingers found the spaces between mine

They locked, shut tight

As if you had caught me and

I knew there and then it was for keeps.

We stopped and lingered at your door

You said you wanted me, right there and then

I told you don’t! I didn’t put it out on first dates

I told you I wanted to get to know you just a little bit more

In fact it was 6 months and 3 days until I finally lay with you!

You told me I oozed sex appeal

I laughed nervously, a knee jerk reaction

No one had ever said that to me before

Say it again I asked you, so to make sure I wasn’t thinking it out loud

Because that how I felt about you too

But it was true you had said it and I replied but why what is that you see

That evades my vision.

I think went onto protest a little too much,

I am straight up and down, but you have the most wonderful breasts I exclaimed

(I had notice them once or twice during our night).

I have a crooked nose I inherited off my grandfather

How can you possibly say I ooze sex appeal?

When you stand there looking like a Goddess

You are beautiful!

Whilst I stand here like some prepubescent teenage boy

(with an image of your breast ingrained in my brain)

You ooze confidence you said

It leaves a trail of scent like perfume

You wear your sexuality like a coat; fasten with the buttons of experience

Your quirky, different, I love the way your mind thinks and how you speak

How you held your coffee cup tonight, need I go on? you said

You asked if would I kiss you or is that not permitted on first dates too

I didn’t need asking twice

And five years on, engaged here we are still very much in love

Infact the love has grown stronger over the years

And you still say I ooze sex appeal

You still love /want my straight up and down

You still enwrap in yourself in me

You still kiss my crooked nose when you awake in the mornings

and when you go to sleep at night

And me well I love every inch of you from your brain down to your toes

But secretly I will always worship your breasts

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

Impromtu blog My Sex by Elastica

Jo my partner and I were listening to this track last night. I hadn’t listen to this in a very long time and I had  forgotten how beautiful the words are it’s like spoken word poetry. Anyway I thought I share see what you think. 

THE LYRICS

What I want
Mornings to the winter and afternoons to the summer

What I want
Is for you to be waiting round the other side of every door

What I want
To walk through the wardrobe of other bodies we have known

What I want
Is fifteen minutes of you

What I want
A lover who loves me when others have loved me not

What I want
Is a big love, two spoons in a drawer, the master plan

What I want
A lover who can love me slowly

What I want
To make your heartbeat faster

What I want
Is a room with a three-bar fire, like the one you had before,
When you were poor and i just liked you more

What I want
To be in the park in the morning, the
Long shadows on the grass and the swans still asleep

What I want
Is to love you everywhere and everyhow

What I want
To kiss you until our lips are numb

What I want
Kiss you ’til everywhere hurts

What I want
Is to hear the rain against the window again

May contain Rants

A moment in the moonlight

As the sun setsmoonlight

You take my hand

As we go beach walking on the sand

On a familiar path

To our Bay

There’s a garland of stars out tonight

As the moon reflects on the water

Like a mirror ball it illuminates the sea

We rest a while

And

With our hands now in my pockets

Your  fingers become entwined

With mine

We keep each other warm

And only the sound the sea makes surrounds us

You’re quiet

You’re thinking

Happy thoughts

I think?

With your head now perched on my shoulder

You kiss my cheek and say “ Thank you”

I reply what for “ For today? ”

“No for everything” you say

“For being you”

“For being there”

“For making me laugh”

“For your constant words of love”

“For your openness and honesty”

“For your patience”

List goes on

I turn to you

I tell you “I would have none of those things if it wasn’t for you”

Still we stand with hands remaining in my pockets

You kiss me again this time harder and as you do

Your tongue caress mine

As the sea caress the shore

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

A simple poem for a beautiful life

Watching you wakebeing loved

Sharing long kisses

And sweet embraces

Hours of wonderful conversations

Comfortable silences

Smiling

Laughter

Enjoying everything from

Mundane chores

To strolls in the park

Beach walking

As we walk hand in hand

Surprise photo text messages whilst I’m at work

With the words “I love you”

Sitting at cafe’s

People watching

Just knowing what you’re thinking

Snuggled on the sofa watching TV in the evening

Dancing at 3 in the morning

Listening to you as you read out loud

Bath times

Bedtimes

Holding you so tight next to me in the middle of the night

Making love with you

Being present as you fall asleep

A simple life

A beautiful life

Is what we have

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

Smile

Thoughts that blackened my mindhands_making_love_heart_with_shining_light1

Scurry back to the darkness of their lair

And I am left with a feeling of silence and inner peace

That rejoices and my heart trips as it dances with delight

Positivity projects an image of

Our future

Our life

Our love

Connected

A beautiful collision of mind, body and soul

That’s what we are

And

Have always been

And

This makes me smile

A ray of the sun’s hopes reverberates onto on my shoes

I pass my hand through the beam catching its warmth as it does

The heat  seeps through my skin and turns it from grey to pink again

And the positivity begins to trickle through my veins

No longer numb

Thawed

Full of Hope

And

I smile again

I have turned that corner

I have avoided the abyss once again

Slayed my demons one by one

I am well again

And I know that whatever happens from now on in

I will always have reason’s to smile

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

Know this

labels complic

Do not try and have preconceived ideas of what makes

Me who or what I am

Don’t try and categorize, generalize or rationalize me

Do not dare to ridicule, bully, insight hate towards me

Don’ try and justify your views of me

Know this

I a human

I am a woman

I am someone’s daughter

Someone’s lover

Someone’s friend

I am not a static

Do not judge me

Or neatly try and tidy me away in a box

To be stacked on a shelf

Do not put your labels on me

I have no room along side

The five badges that I proudly wear

They read

Lesbian

Jew

Carer

Bipolar

Dyslexic

But to name a few

These  are worn not to define me

But to represent a life lived

 who I became

Not what I am

Know this

I a human

I am a woman

I am someone’s daughter

Someone’s lover

Someone’s friend

I am not a static

I am the same as you

I  have  a name

It’s June

But you may call me Finn

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

True colours

colour 2

I take off my rose coloured tinted glasses

And observe the world around me

Through my bipolar eyes,

High on the chemicals

That makes me see with such clarity

The true colours

Of people whose spectrum’s do not illuminate as much

In the opaqueness that temporarily surrounds me

I pick through their transparency

Until all that is visible is the grey faint outlines underneath

Of those whose colours are truly so superficial

And insignificant, could easily be erased

I was deceived in my perception of their true colours

They out shone colours of those whose faded aura’s

Quietly glow in the background

With their hue of light blue light

They evoked an understanding

That encourages me to their light

Colours I did not know radiated so much such

These are the colours that I turn to

They guide my way and

keep me from  the dark

Then there are those whose colours never alter

Solid,

Bold

One who glistens like the diamond that she is

Then there is she

Her colours are the truest colours

Of red, green and blue

And Blended together

We create rainbows

In a world that would otherwise be grey

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

Without you

withThere were words I could not write (without you)

But now my words flow freely (because I found you)

I had a language I could not speak (until you were here to listen)

Now I have found my voice (I serenade you with the songs of love)

I had so many memories I could not have shared (if you were not here to dry my tears)

But with you I have memories I will cherish (until my time on this earths is done)

There would be too many demons for me to slay (if I didn’t have you by my side)

You are my angel (in the solace of you I feel safe)

So many years of wasted love (if I didn’t have you to share it with)

A love I didn’t feel I deserved (until you bestowed your love on to me)

I spent years running away always running (from her)

Now I find myself running towards you always (into your sweet embrace)

Time I have wasted collecting the bricks to build my walls higher (to keep my heart safe)

Until  you came along, to breakdown my walls ( because you cared enough make them fall)

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

Words that needed to be written

vivThere are words that needed to be written

Words that will help me in my recovery

Because you have occupied a corner of mind for too long

Words I’ve started to write

Words I thrown away because of the shame

I think of all years I spent hiding me

And protecting you

But not now

So I sit with a blank page ready to write

With the years of hidden anger and rage

My woman has been the  only one

until  now who knew of this secret

That I carry  locked away in my head

She also seen the scars, V

You know the one’s you made on my back!

I think back to younger years when I first fell in love with you

And we were in love once

Many years ago

But you showed you were the jealous kind

You never trusted me

And yet looking back

It’s me who shouldn’t have trusted you

How many times was it V?

And so the cycle of mind game commenced

You broke my independence

My will, my spirit

For what V being nice and talking to other women V?

Then you became bored with the games

Your anger would get out of control

The odd slap once or twice

The bites, the punches

The bruising ,V

So much hidden hurt

You forced on me

Is it bringing back to you?

Well It’s never left me V

And the saddest thing is I would have given you

Everything

But it was never enough

And so many many times I ran from you

For only you to sweet talk me back

You promised me you’d change

But you stayed the same

And I carried on being the fool

And all the time it was like my life’s history repeating itself

There are so many things I could say but I can’t repeat

So many things that you did V

But now I want my conscience cleared of you

I want my mind set free

It took me 3 years to heal the scars

3 years without the touch of another

Because you’d knocked the trust out of me

But I was lucky because I found someone who is the total

Opposite to you

She knows the true meaning of love

She holds me with a gentle touch

That you wouldn’t understand

Her kisses have healed your scars

Her hands clasp round my waist with warmth

All your hands ever did was clasp me round my throat

So these words needed to be written

Because many years ago I told you there was no longer place for you in my bed

So now I’m  telling you because I’m stronger than when you left

That there’s no longer a place for you in my head

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

The degrees of passion

lesbian passion

Initiation

It’s late and the world has closed its eyes             

But we’re wide awake

Knowing that sleep is far from our minds

I sit watching you

As you undress beside me

You’re holding your hair

With your back towards me

You say “unclasp me”

Your lingerie now tossed to the  floor

 

Invitation

The nakedness of your skin

Its softness

Its smoothness

and it’s aroma  

Is too hard to resist

I need no invitation

and so I begin bestowing intimate kisses

Exploration

You turn to face me

Your body straddled over mine

There is a longing in those

Blue eyes of yours

We linger

Gaze fixed

Lips locked

And then the  tease of your tongue

Is an open invitation to explore deep 

into hidden depths

Consummation

And the ritual begins

The weight of your body  

Of skin upon skin

We move in synchronised movement

Then that intimate touch

 As  fingers and hands wander

A slow gentle exploration of bodies  

And we tremble with what is to come

A hunger that needs to be fed   

Pulses throb

Heartbeats race as  

The warmth of our closeness

Pupils Dilated

The teasing of tongues

flicker  

between thighs

Our souls are awoken

Reunited once again

And our bodies explode

With the passion we have created 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

For J…

open heartShe who captured my heart

This woman who alone invades every corner of my being

She is my soul mate, my lover, my confidant, my muse

She is my guardian angel

Her love is constant and unbreakable

Her touch is calmness in itself

Her kisses are bound in truth

She possess a strength of heart and soul  so pure

Her wisdom is older than her years

She alone will save me from the dark abyss

I know because she saved me once before

I was lost and distant from this world

Isolated within my  empty shell

But she saw something in me that first time we met

Something in me, she’s says she will never forget

Something she nurtured, cared for , brought back to life

She said it was love.

She was right  and my love burst right out of my chest

I began bestowing  it on her, on life and on myself

The day I realised what she meant

So when there are no more shadows to hide behind

And I  am looking down that dark chasm

These are reasons I  know she’ll be there to save me once again

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

With eyes wide open

open-eyeToday is not going to be a good day

The heaviness of my head

And the pain in my joints as I wake

From my pill induced slumber tell me this

My eyes would not open on their own accord

This morning

Like rusted old shutters they would not budge

I had to prise them open them with what little

Strength I had left

Maybe I should blame it on the tears I’ve shed

For corroding them shut!

Or maybe they didn’t want to face the day

Maybe they knew it wasn’t going to be good!

And as I lie here with eyes now wide open

I look back on yesterday

Because it’s preferable to  concentrating on the pain

But yesterday

This is all but now a memory

But I can recall that memory

Because I know

Yesterday was GOOD!

There were glimpses of my old self

A slight respite from the insanity

But today my old self well she has abandoned me

So today I will take each hour as it comes

I will try not to dwell on the fact

That today is not going to be  good

I shall hold onto the dream

That my old self she might return

and hope that  I don’t have to prise

My eyes  wide open tomorrow !

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Reason’s to be cheerful

reasons to be cheerful

Deep in thought I quietly sit

Whilst the pills I’ve just swallowed

Send chemicals to my brain

That no other therapies have been able to reach

And for that brief moment

I have clarity

A sense of rational thinking

A sense of normality

So I write not poetry but

A mantra

A list

To guide me

To focus on

And more importantly to hold onto

For when even darker days arrive

And they will arrive

I know because I’ve been here so many times before

I make a list of all the things that make me happy

Things I should be really cheerful about

A list of no particular relevance, of importance or order

I begin to write surprisingly without hesitation

Beach walking, Angel Bay, the smell of the ocean,

Wales (the land of my history), of being loved and being in love,

My beautiful Jo, my mum, my family, cups of tea in bed with my girl on a

Saturday morning, nights in, nights out, walks in the park

splashes in puddles in the Spring ,

basking in the sun on long summer days

Dancing through the leaves on cold Autumn nights

Snowball fights

warming Jo’s hands in the sleeves of my jumper

in the depths of  winter

the changing colour’s of the season’s

the family meal round the table on Friday night ,

having conversations so deep, so funny and sometimes quite bizarre,

laughing out loud, music, books, poetry, photography,

of chatting/ texting /talking to good friends, Tuesday lunch dates,

Really thick cut crinkled crisps, cupcakes, a Marlboro to start the day,

Road trips and pyjama days

With pen put down, I read the list back,

I fold the list over and place in my wallet behind the photo of Jo

I return to my original position quietly sitting

And in the sustained moment of absolute clarity

I realise I am lucky to have so many reasons to be cheerful about

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

If it rains today

puddlesToday if it rains

Will you laugh at the dark clouds above my head

Will you mock them

Will you  tell them they will never win

That  I am not yet beaten

Will you walk with me

Jump and splash in puddles with me

So I can try and regain some joy back

Will you stand with me , with arms stretched out

And let the rain wash over us so I can feel again

And on the way home

Will you stop there in the crowded street

And kiss me

So I can feel your love over again

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Avoiding the dark abyss

abyssWith a kiss you awake me from my opiatic repose

You ask how I am feeling

I tell you I’m not quite sure

You rephrase your question “how does it feel” you ask

“What the depression?” I reply

(You nod)

I tell you I feel tainted

That my brain feels corrupted

By the messed up childhood I inherited

And as I am saying it I’m thinking you won’t get it

But the look on your face isn’t a fearful one

There’s compassion in your eyes

(you’re not about to run a mile from the mad one who lies next to you)

and so I add another guilt  to the thousand I already possess

for doubting you.

I tell you that I no longer mind the pain

because the pain makes me  feel I am still here

I tell you pain also speaks the truth

it shows the honesty in people

They don’t know what to say so they wish you Good luck

As if I am about to embark on some great joyous adventure

when really I am running from the dark abyss

It’s because some don’t know how to handle depression

They see it as a weakness, a failure

and you tell me I am not weak , that I am the strongest person you know

And that my mum thinks of me as some kind of super hero

I regretfully answer  I’m afraid my cape has been hung up

Then there’s a darkness to my voice

I am fearful Jo I say

Of the dark abyss

And of the suicidal thoughts waiting

I tell you I am now a ghost visible to a few

I feel as if I am beginning to walk between the shadows

Trying to avoid the dark abyss

Desperately searching for my way back home

I glance, I see you upset

The tears are welling in your eyes

You wrap your arms around me

I feel your love tighten round my frame

And hear your whisper in my ear “You are home, its right here”

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Random true thoughts ( because it’s raining )

pillsThe rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their  negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are  being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But  for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

This week has been a warning

[youtube=http://youtu.be/DtZp7MQE2ZM

Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.

The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .

I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.

I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies

But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x

May contain Rants

A mother’s love

me and mum

This is a very old poem I’ve had since I was about 22 , so it’s twenty five years old. I wrote for my mum who was at the time very seriously ill with cancer and was about to have an operation that we did not know at the time whether she would survive it. We were told by the doctors to say our goodbyes, the night before the operation I gave her this poem. Thankfully she is still with me and today she still treasures the poem I gave her..

You taught me right from wrong

You sheltered me from everything of harm

You moulded me into someone who stood tall

Someone who is strong

You guided me from danger, you told me to

Always walk away and remain calm

You taught how to read and write

To know the comfort of books

You showed me how to be kind and to always believe in humanity

And when the night was scary, you’d comfort me

And tell me everything would be alright

You never tried to be different, you never believed in vanity

You always gave so much of yourself, even

When times were hard and there was no one around for you

You always had a hankie ready to wipe away all my tears

And when I needed things and money was scarce

You’d sacrifice yourself for me and even

Walked around with cardboard in your shoe!

And now I am grown and time has passed into years

I need to tell you how thankful I am for all you have done

And how I grateful I am for having you as my mum

I may not have shown it with gifts or kisses

I’ve expressed it in ways that are invisible

To the naked eye and are only meant for you

So for everything we’ve been through

I just want you to know how much I really do love you.

May contain Rants

You,me and the silence

darkAlone

In the dark

I cry

No panic this time

No demons present

Just me, the silence and my tears

I hear your footsteps on the stairs

The door opens

There’s concern on your face

Silently you sit beside me

You place your arm around my shoulder

Your thumb wipes away my tears

Talk to me you said

It all comes out

The madness that has been present in my head

I tell you I try to convince myself that I am well

But really we both know I am not

The past has resurfaced in my mind

Memories, collections, and scenes

of the secrets only you know about

Are playing out in my head

I feel weak again, beaten again

And then I taste it

The taste of shame

Still present after all this time

You place a kiss on my forehead

You promise that no will ever hurt me again

And reassure me that I am not going mad

And I know you speak the truth

So we sit, you and me, in the silence and

We watch patiently as my fears begin to

evaporate into the darkness of the night.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Skin touching Skin

 

 


lesbian ml

 

Our gaze locked

The anticipation of skin touching skin 

My fingertips begin to trace your mouth

Then the  moment that starts from a kiss

The slow exploration of the softness of your lips

I feel the touch of your breath as I inhale you

The intensity builds as your tongues entwines with mine

Positions now altered  

I feel the warmth of your closeness as

you take my weight

my motion is slow

never rushed

my fingers , palm of my hands slowly begin to linger

and with every touch

I replace it with a kiss

you take my hand

With fingers entwined you guide me slowly down

slowly my fingers enter into hidden depths

soft, wet

It’s an open invitation to explore

You buck

Again with every touch I replace it with a kiss

But harder this time

You buck again

An orgasmic wave sends

Vibrations throughout your frame

 And I can feel the intensity tremble under me

It strikes you to your very core

Over, and over this occurs

Both satisfying each other’s hunger

Until both our cravings have been met

It ends as it began with a kiss

One last slow exploration of the softness of your lips

And bodies still wet

We lie en wrapped in other’s skin

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

The Bench

the seatTucked away in my garden is a bench

I always thought it was nothing special

Just some metal and planks

That ceased to exist,

It’s old and battered

It’s paint is chipped and it’s wood is rotting

The seasons have not been kind

For so long I dismissed it

I paid it no attention until today

Then the memories flooded back

Of how many conversations it has witnessed

Good, bad, happy and sad

The conversation with my father when the doctors

Told him he had cancer .and how we cried

The conversation with my ex when she told me

She was leaving me for someone new and how I cried

The conversation with Jo when we first met

And how she told me how  crazy she was about me, how we smiled

Of how it is my sanctuary, where she holds me and comforts me

When my madness is in full flight

In middle of the night

So many conversations it has witnessed

So today I see it through different eyes

This tatty old bench

It’s not just some metal and planks

That ceased to exist

It is the caretaker of my memories

And the keeper of my thoughts

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Stampede of words

panic attack 3There’s a stampede going on in my brain

Of words trying to get out, trying to get in

I feel them physically stacking up on each other

And my head is heavy from the weight

I think silence, isolation maybe sleep is needed 

For these words to be assembled into order

That makes some sense

I want to put the close sign up

But its hiding somewhere in my temporal lobe

Trapped between the words pain, anger, demon, depression

My power of speech is rendered impotent

And so the panic sets in

The parietal lobe is under siege

I so want to write HELP ME! MAKE IT GO AWAY!

The brain will not transpose the words through my fingers

So overloaded is my brain ,the words escape through my eyes

You sense this; you’ve seen the panic,

The fear in my eyes

The tears in my eyes

so many times

You hold me and calm me and

My frontal lobe begins to put things in order

And I feel the words just slip away

But one word remains, your name

Prominent,

A name that evokes so many memories of words like

Beauty, perfection, laughter, love, kisses, sex, lust, passion,

Kindness, caring, positivity,  but for a few

but for me one word stands out from the rest

whenever I think of you

that word will always, always be LOVE.

(I love you my Ms Joanna P x)

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

She who protects me

It’s three in the morningPANIC

And the darkness surrounds us

As you sleep

But I cannot sleep

I am fearful of the dark

I know they are coming

My mind is under siege

And I know I am not strong enough to withhold

The army of demons that is about to invade me

I can’t think straight

Should I take refuge within your arms (but I do not want to wake you)

Or do I run

I run

Into the cold and dark of open spaces

But it’s all too much

They are here whispering in the corners of the garden

They begin to taunt me

They laughter hurts my ears

I drop down to the floor as if to vanish in the ground

I lie there in foetal position

Silently weeping, shaking

Then you find me (you always find me)

You scoop me up

You sit me down

You wrap us both in a blanket

Dry my tears

Your voice soothes me

Shhh you say they’ve gone

There’s just you and me

You rock me and it calms me

You take me by the hand

And guide me towards upstairs

You lie me down

and cover me

Climb in beside me

Continuously you rock me

As I drift off to sleep

The darkness is bannished

No longer fearful

For you, my woman, wiser than her years

Always finds me

Rescue’s me

From the darkness of the night

And  the demons that taunt me

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Home

reaching-outTrust me she said as she smiled

And she held out her hand

All I could do was trust her the kindness of her smile

And the years of false promises were forgotten

Come in from the dark

She beckoned

And her beauty dazzled me

All I could see were the wonderous colours of

The gold of her hair and blue of her eyes

The negatives , the greys and blacks replaced

Come in from the cold she said

Her arms reached out and she guided me

And she led me into the shelter of her soul

All I could feel was the warmth of her love as she cradled me

And the numbness melted away

Come let me dry your eyes she whispered

As she held my head in her hands

As she kissed away my tears

All I could feel was love, it was a love so unconditional,

And all the pain held for so, so many years disappeared

I knew then I had found home

For she is my home

Her love are my foundations

Her smile lights my way

Her body is my bed

and her arms are my blanket

She is my shelter

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Two figures

Aloneworld

Two figures

Yours and mine

Lie

As our world waltz’s

Into the darkness of the night

And the brightness of the moons light projects

A shadow of a single silhouette on our wall

We are bound by love

Synchronised in movement

We are always in tune you and I

Both knowing how to please

How a thousand types of kisses can tease

As the caress of our hands waits in anticipation

The sensation of pleasure

Alone

Two figures

Yours and mine

Lie

As our world waltz’s

Into the brightness of the early morning sun

And we know the earth just didn’t move for us

It danced for both of us last night

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

This, you , us

BY THE WATER

I sit here just looking at you

And it crosses my mind briefly of how lucky I am

To have this, you, us

But it’s not meant to happen to people like me

I have too much broken mirrors of luck

For this to be real

And then my mind begins to wander, with now thoughts spiralling

I begin to doubt myself that this cannot be real

What if this all a dream,

What if my mind is tricking me into thinking that

All this, you, us is some bipolar vision

That really you are a figment of my wanting

to want this , want you, want us

then you move towards me

The real you, the dream you, the bipolar you

Momentarily I am unsure which one I can actually see

But then you come up behind me

Wrap your love around me

And with the warmth of your lips you kiss me

This spell is then lifted and I know now this is true

Because your kisses are truest kisses I have tasted

And your love is truest gift I have ever received

And I sit here now so content, so happy knowing

This, you, us is very real.

©Copyright 2013 by Mehefin Bolland.

May contain Rants

Shadows (For J x)

shadowThere have been  times in my life when all I had for company was my solitary shadow

Ever present, watching

(but detached)

Appearing only when sun shone

(but I didn’t even know the sun was shining)

And as the clouds emerge it too would be gone

(leaving me alone stood there in my solitary frame)

For days, months, and years this would occur

(it became my normality)

Then perchance you appeared, as the shadow did

(present, this time real)

Now whenever the sun shine’s

(and I now know the sun shines, it always shines now)

For all I see is two shadows,merged moving in unison

(for you will always be the blue skies on my cloudy days )

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

Nine years ago

funeral 

Nine years ago

Has gone in an instance

Nine years ago

You left us

Nine years ago

My life was turned upside down,

I had to step up to the plate

Nine years ago

and we still miss your laughter

Nine years ago

how was it possible for you to succumb to this terrible illness?

a man of your stature

Nine years ago

over two hundred people flocked to show their respect

and to say their goodbyes to you

But tomorrow only three will remember you

out of those two hundred people that showed their faces that day,

The one’s still here, the ones that are left

Will they even remember its nine years ago

and we are still very much bereft

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Counting

heart countingToday you made me smile seventeen times

Today you made me laugh out allowed more than a dozen times

Today you looked at me twice with that look of want in your eyes

Today you hugged me ten times

Today you told me you loved me three times

Today you kissed me  eleven times

But why do I count?

I count because every day I count my blessings for finding you , loving you and for you loving me 

more than once …

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

For everyday to be Saturday Morning

Bed-Tea-In-Early-MorningIf I could have one wish

It wouldn’t be for extravagant riches

It would be that every day would be Saturday morning

With us lying there in our bed

Just chatting and drinking tea

Whilst ours finger tips did some elaborate dance

Or perhaps we would just lie there wrapped in each other skin

Watching through our bedroom window

What mood the sky was in

But I know one thing

Whatever we did

I would be happy, content in the knowledge

I’ts alone time with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

In a halo of perfection

 

Sunlight Coming Through Lace Curtains

I love the way your hair falls on the pillow

I love to memorise every inch of you

To recall back on days and nights I may find myself apart from you

And as the sun’s rays peer through our curtains

And the morning light breaks the darkness of your silhouette

Their light illuminates every part of you

Until all I can see is my love, my life, my eternity

Lying there next to me in a halo of perfection

Whilst  I lie so close to you

so desperate to touch you

but knowing its too soon, you still need to heal

I resist the temptation,

Instead I am satsified  with the thousand hugs and kisses

you bestow on me a day

knowing is it only a matter of time

When we will again share our passion

So for now I will just lie here content watching you sleep

Lying there next to me in your halo of perfection

As the morning light breaks the darkness of your silhouette

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

The Robin

The bird is an animal almost universally exalted and accepted as symbolically being associated with the soul, as a messenger of the gods, carriers of souls, and an oracle or seen to possess the spirit of loved ones whilst also being a symbol of good or evil. ….. Carl G. Jung, the psychiatrist, said that birds represented the inner spirit of a person and that birds were seen to be associated with angels, flight’s of fancy and the supernatural.

the robin

I see you perched there Mr Robin

Silently watching

Observing my every move

Without fail, you are always here, present

I see your bend , still watching

As I kneel to tend to the flowers that surround

My father resting place

You attentively listen as I converse with my father

As if he is was stood /sat listening to me as you do

I’d tell him of how I miss him, how I love him,

How my life’s been ,that for once I am happy,

That I have found love

I’d tell him  all about Jo and how I wished he’d met her,

I’d tell how I miss his laughter, G_d do I miss his laughter

I see your head lean in sympathy at my loss

I swear if your wings were arms you would wrap them around

My grief strickenframe and comfort me

As the tears rolled down my cheeks

I as I leave,  I take one last look back

stop

 I whisper in my head “See soon Dad, I love you” 

 If I could understand your song

I hope  you  sing a song

of reassurance

to  promise  

to

keep him safe ,

look over him,

keep him company

until I return again…

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Lie with me

in bed 2Lie with me

let me see your beauty

Lie with me

look into my eyes and

See my spirit and know the love it has for you

Lie with me

Place yourself beside me and hold me (just hold me)

Lie with me

kiss away my pain

Lie with me

let’s have meaningless conversations

until we laugh and the tears begin to fall

Lie with me

Let me fall asleep enwrapped in your skin

Take a nap with me this afternoon

Whilst the summer rain dances on our windows

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

In the silence of happiness

midWe’re both wide awake

Its two maybe half two in the morning

Your arms round my waist

Head leaning on my shoulder

Your legs entwined with mine

You pull me in close into you

It’s a time we’re familiar with

It’s a time we have deep meaningful conversations

Sometimes often or not it’s a time for wants

And needs to be initiated

But not tonight

Tonight there is neither

Tonight there is a sense of contentment

In the silence of happiness

Lying here knowing that the past is a distant memory

never to be relived

And knowing that our future is beautiful adventure

waiting to be lived

But more than that

It’s knowing that you are well, you are safe

You are here, just here by my side

With your arms round my waist

Head leaning on my shoulder

Your legs entwined with mine

I feel blessed…

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved