may contain humour · Uncategorized

A sensual request…

Are you well enough

are sure really that you’re

ready for this?

Aren’t you still feeling fragile?

You’ve not long been recovered

It’s been a while

Maybe we should

forget about this

In turn I reply

Come over here

Stop your worrying

It’s only a kiss!

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Words are everywhere…

I carry words around with me in my head

And in the back pockets of my jeans

Words I’ve written of when I think about you

I have words on bits of paper hiding

in journals on the table at the side of our bed

I find words in the pockets of my jackets

In book I’m reading

And in books I have read

Words I’ve written whilst I’m at work

When I’m  day dreaming of you 

Random words that lie dormant

in the draws of my desk

Words full of such emotion

And expressions of deep rooted feeling’s

But there’s only one word

The truest word

That says what I will always feel about you

This word I carry in my heart

The word is LOVE

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Desires of wanting you …

Let’s touch base

Let’s discuss things face to face

Let me outline the facts

And tell you where my head is at

Babe I cannot lie

I cannot resist you for

very much longer

The urge to kiss you

is getting stronger

I miss your touch

I miss the softness of your skin

I miss your sweet sighs so much

But I know

We agreed to take things slow

But the desires of wanting you lying

next to me in our bed

Invade the thoughts in my head

But please don’t think

I want to rush you

It’s just every day

you’re not here

I miss you more

It’s because it’s you I adore

So please consider

what I have said

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Attraction …

I was never attracted to blondes until met her

to me they always seem to be blue eyed and too pale

They were just not what I looked for in a female

You see I had a type

All my other girlfriends  

were dark skinned coffee coloured eyed dykes

So what changed?

How do I begin to explain how the attraction

began to occur

To be honest it all a blur

It was 7 years ago

When she  literally turn up at my door

But one thing for sure

She’s caring and kind and her heart s so pure

And when she opens her mouth and speaks

Her accent makes me melt and go weak

I could listen to her all day

And yet despite her caring side

she feisty and wild

She made me see life from a different angel

she’s turned my world on its head

And it’s not just the passion she brought to our bed

It’s beyond that 

It’s the fact

 She believes in me

She see’s things in me other people don’t see

 So forget all the women I’ve loved in past

With their coffee eyes, black hair  

and dark skin I loved them individually

For reasons and for seasons

But they were never meant to last

Because with her you see

No one can hold a candle

 For I will love her for a thousand life times

Because being with her was met to be 

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Love letter…

I’m trying to write a love letter

If I’m being honest

I started off quite well

I’ve managed to write down her name

“Dear J”

But then the nib of my pen

became frozen to the page

And so did the thoughts in my brain

I’m trying to express the way I feel

But my head is full of facts it doesn’t

Know where it’s at

So many questions and answers

Of my desires of wanting her

And how I’ve missed her touch

And how I long for her kisses

Of how I  love her

so very  much

But do I dare

after asking her to take things slow

Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t got

Any further than “Dear Jo “

My head screams

So I try to relax, refrain

Start again

But the nib of my pen is still

frozen to the page

The words just won’t come

They cannot be written

Maybe it’s time for this bullet to bitten

Maybe I should just ring her instead

COPYRIGHT 2014 June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Backpack Society…

What is wrong with this society

With it’s judge others before we judge

Ourselves mentality.

We daren’t ask of the roads they travel

We do not want to contaminate our feet

by  wearing their shoes

We do not want to be weighed down

by the backpacks that

carry their dreams

These are the lost

unravelled

left  vulnerable

By our Backpack society

We pretend to look the other way

We do not like to meddle

In  throwaway society

Where it is acceptable to queue for days

For the latest apple id

Yet we shun those that have no choice

But to sleep in piss soaked doorways

Begging for small change

And so I plead

Look into your heart

In this Backpack society

          Do not judge others before you judge yourself

Remember each and everyone of us

has a name

Everyone is human too

Copyright 2014 June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Unfinished conversation from yesterday…

You asked me yesterday

if I believed in hope

in others words  for you and I

I couldn’t reply

I told you I needed space to think

So here lies the truth

This what I think

I wasn’t looking for serious

I wasn’t looking for commitment

I had a heart full of brokenness

A soul full of guilt

But you were the Celt gypsy who arrived

to steal my heart and

claim my soul to dance with it

in the rain

Without you I do not live

I merely exist

Without you I do not feel the

breath of air as it enters my lungs

You are every thought that enters

my mind

You are the skin on my bones

For you are integral to my being

You will always be part of me

That’s why I cannot ever stop

being in love with you

So yes I do believe in hope.

Copyright June Bolland 2014

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

A four letter word…

I try to write but the words that have been locked inside my head

Desperate to be freed, to be expressed

But the sentences have disappeared

This what a four letter word like meds do to you

My days seem to bleed from one day into the next

As I try to write these words

And as ink connects its self to the page when I think of your name

it weeps through

This is what a four letter word like love do to you

My nights are filled with dread

Every noise, creak,  groan

Makes me think there’s monster under my bed

When really it all irrational made up stuff in my head

This is what a four letter word like fear do to you

Copyright June Bolland 2014

May contain Rants

Medicated dreams…

They say the pills will help me sleep and dream “ medicated dreams”

But they don’t

It’s difficult to sleep with you now no longer here to spoon

They say the pills will help the voices in my head

But they don’t

They mock and taunt, relentless they tell me how I fucked up

They say the pills will help stop the hallucinations

But they don’t

See I still see you and a form of me

Before the madness arrived

So really all the pills really do is make regret, cry and miss you

Copyright June Bolland 2014

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Its good to talk …

I have my final counselling session today and I am a little apprehensive.  I don’t want it to end , I feel like I’m going to visit a really good friend for the very last time.It makes me feel sad but then again I should take it as a positive that I am grown up and no longer need my comfort blanket.

As I said in my previous posting I have recently been going through a really bad bipolar episode.I am now well on the road to recovery.  My mood swings are finally levelling out due to new medications and due to the  counselling sessions I have received.

My psychiatrist thought it would help me to attend counselling  as I was beginning to isolate myself more and more. Anyone who suffers from Bipolar will understand how debilitating  the isolation is when your going through a depressive phase.  I find it difficult to explain how relentless the battle with it is. Generally  I am loner anyhow, not of my own choice I might add but because I am the sole carer of mum who is paraplegic , I have been for the last 25 years  and somehow the isolation of it’s duties have been forced upon me, non of which is my mum’s fault , as she didn’t choose her illness nor did I. It’s just that people, friends stopped asking me to socialise a long time ago and previous partners begrudged the amount of time and commitment that went into looking after my mum. This is the reason why  my latest ex and I are still  close,  she’s the exception to the rule. (Discovered this through the counselling sessions)  I know  that people say the internet is a great place to maintain friendships and that it is also great place  to meet new friends , maybe , I have yet to be convinced , I think they work for a while and then people move on, but I am not blameless  it’s a two-way street and I know I am guilty in not keeping in touch and   maintaining friendships, I blame it on my  fear of rejection,I’ve always  shut myself off from friendships before they reject me!  ( also learnt through counselling). So whenever I go through a depressive phase the isolation is so much worst, because every bit of hurt,anger , frustration , rejection and self loathing is held deep within , and there is no one to share it with . So counselling was a blessing .

When I first started the counselling back in May I really didn’t think it would help, I thought it would be all cognitive behavioral therapy, which I’d previously had and which hadn’t worked.  I was also worried that I wouldn’t like my counsellor , but I was proved wrong my counsellor  Angela put me at ease straight away as we have a common interest we are both learning sign language. So the conversation began to  flow very easily. I was so amazingly so open with her  that I shared things about myself during that first session that no other living person knew about, so I came away surprised , relieved and optimistic.

I have looked forward to every counselling session since. Partly because it has given me purpose to get out of bed but more importantly it has been an opportunity to share   hidden aspects life , my thoughts, in fact  it was a place where I could just talk to someone in a  non judgemental environment. It’s been a place of laughter and tears and importantly a place of rediscovering what makes me tick. It’s given me back a rejuvenated energy and a purpose of which direction I want  my life to  go in. I believe it’s  fate that I had this Bipolar episode when I did because without it  I wouldn’t I have met the wonderful people  who have help me in my recovery including my  psychiatrist  and Angela my wonderful counsellor , who made me realise  with her  words of encouragement  that I am an empathic person and  that the counselling profession would benefit with someone like me. So you never know all being well  I too could  be able to counsel and help people in just like Angela has done with me. So hear’s to Angela for her Patience, her encouragement and kindness and making me realise it’s good to talk.

 

 

 

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Blue skies on the horizon…

A very short  synopsis of what’s been going on the  last few months.

It  would be fair to say that I have had a few difficult months recently. I had a major Bipolar episode at  the end of February which plummeted  me into a pit of absolute darkness  , I tried to struggle on but by March I knew I couldn’t function .Whilst this was going on my relationship with my fiancee was falling apart all due to the  intensity and problems surrounding  my  Bipolar. My ex  became tired of trying to get me to listen to reason, in trying to persuade me that I needed to get  help. No matter how well she coped with my rapid cycling and my sometimes rejection of her   and the verbal abuse  aimed at her too, she coped. What she couldn’t cope with was the issue of my denial and bad management regarding  this illness.

My partner was always really good at reading when  moods were about to change , where as  I was more inclined to ignore them. In December she told me  that she could tell I was heading for a breakdown and that I should seek help, I told her I was fine and choose to ignore her. BIG MISTAKE!

So January arrived and the extreme rapid cycling started, and then February arrived and this is when things began to come apart at the seams . I’ll set the scene for you -I was in a Board meeting at work   facing 18 people and within minutes of the meeting I lost it. Luckily for me my manager and one  my friends were there. As soon as I left the room I crashed to the floor and was lying in the fetal position , sobbing. This was the start.

Towards the end of  March with the commencement of  the breakdown still fairly fresh  my partner and I had huge row all  because I was still refusing to seek  help.  It was at this point she left me but only after I told her to leave. Never expecting her to actually go , I must admit I was not impressed , but now with clarity of mind I understand  why she did go  as now I know I left her with no other option, if I could have walked out on me I would have done. Anyway my partners absence was the wake up call I needed to go seek  help. I saw a psychiatrist , who prescribed me  new  alternative medications to the ones I was taking. So March rolled into July and then things became a whole lot darker.

Now I’ve  had frequent episodes  but none  have been  as terrifying  than this episode, purely because the new medications began to kick in. As a result drowsed I became submerged deeper in the darkness of my own thoughts, it was  then I began hearing  voices, I knew it wasn’t my inner voice or voices I recognised, these voices  were menacing and terrifying as were the hallucinations I was also beginning to have. It initially started with a voice calling out my name , I turn but they’d be no one there , this would repeat itself , each time the voice would appear to come from a different direction. As time went by the voice turn into voices , at first they seemed to laugh and mock , then they became menacing , just writing about it gives me a chill. It was at this time the hallucinations began . I remember the first time it happen , it was the early hours of the morning , I thought I could hear foot steps on the landing , and then  I saw two images watching me  terrified I called my ex partner in the hopes she’d pick up the phone I didn’t know who else to call. Thankfully she answered her phone and within 15 minutes she arrived to calm me down.

My ex stepped in and decided to take some  time off work to look after me , and my mum. The doctors agreed to let my ex look after me as she is a nurse.So since July , she been my rock. When needed she’s driven to my house in middle of the night and stayed awake with me as I have been terrified to be alone and when the voices and hallucinations were at their most prevalent, she told me focus on the blue skies and the view of the horizon by the sea where we often went to visit, happy times. She made sure my mum was properly looked after and more importantly she’s helped me survive this episode, by making me realise that I have so much to live for.Even though we are no longer romantically involve  we are as close as we can be .But we both realise the relationship will never be rekindled but it doesn’t mean that  we”ll ever stop caring for each other.  I’m just so  glad we  have one of those relationships that  despite everything we can  still be part of each others lives, after all we will always be  best  friends. So here’s to looking towards  the future,  and the being thankful to appreciate  those Blue skies on the horizon and to those who remind you that they are there.

 

 

May contain Rants

Thoughts…

We were two strangers

Until that first kiss

Remember how we smiled

through the whole thing

That was before the demons

took over the roller coaster ride

And my life became a series

of mania and depression

They say I now need timeout  

To  allow you time to recover

from all the hurt I’ve instill on you

That I need to quieten my mind

To allow my brain to recover

That I need to take my pills

to attend the therapy

and to learn how to control

the rapid thoughts that

race around my head 

Yet when I’m

Alone at night

I still think of you

And that first kiss when

We were strangers

Copyright June Bolland 2014

May contain Rants

Nightshifts and words …

Words cannot replace
The physical sentiments of love
They cannot replace that first
morning kiss or the image of your smile that wakes me

Words cannot replace
The softness of your touch upon my skin
As darkness descends and time belongs to no one but us

But for those times when life just gets in the way
When we temporarily become ships that pass each other by

Carry my words , my sentiments
Keep them close to heart
Read them when you are on duty and all around you are sleeping
Take comfort that I will dream of you tonight

And when the sunrises in the morning read them again and
know sealed within every letter and space upon the page
is a kiss from me to send you to your slumber
Copyright Mehefin Bolland 2014

May contain Rants

Beneath a chandelier of stars…

tumblr_n06suqWh0n1rbz7uwo1_500

(image c/o http://flyingsaucer-eyes.tumblr.com/brightly wounded)

I’m folding clothes

Particles of sand fall

Onto the floor

Alone in the company of my thoughts

Zoetrope images flicker past my eyes

I drift off to that night

Smile

As I always do when I think of

You and the sea

To a time where we danced

Below a chandelier of stars

Just you and I

Where the rocks would be our orchestra

Wearing seaweed bow ties

I adore to dance with with you

T0 feel your touch

the rhythm of you

Desire builds

As the crescendo of waves

Laps over our feet

knocking us off balance

and

There we lie

with

The Orchestra

still playing in our ears

I adore to dance with you

T0 feel your touch

upon my skin

to feel the rhythm of you

Desire builds

As we lie

Beneath a chandelier of stars

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Yellow tailed

Sitting amongst the seaweed and the rocks

With my girl

Sea air tickles my nostrils and the sting hits me

Like a cold ice drink, it freezes my brain

But that’s good

My brain has been numb for weeks

My thoughts hiding in its cranial sac

Away from critical voices

But with medication now working

I can see people for what they are

Heads down they shuffle about

With their yellow tails tucked down low

beneath them

Scared the that ‘ stigma ‘ will touch them

You can see it in their eyes

no contact

they look away

Conversations stop

sometimes platitudes replace the words

They don’t want  to talk about it

IT’S TABOO!

BUT I DO!

I want shout out “I am as SANE as you, more so in fact!”

So thank God for my girl, my mother and the comfort of strangers

So to my ‘friends’ I have one simple message for you

God forbid the ‘black dog’ decides to take

A walk with you

Don’t come knocking at my door

I won’t be in

I’ll be sitting amongst the seaweed and the rocks

With my girl

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Jimmy Choo’s in my closet

An impromptu posting.

I was reading my past posts on my blog yesterday. A majority (about 90%) of the poems I share are biographical. It was interesting to look back on the past year just by reading the poems and the postings .It’s a bit like reading a journal you kept when you were a teenage,  smiling and thinking back on the past . I  recently stumbled across an old journal dated 1982 , in which I wrote  “ I think I’m in love with Sara Clark!” . But as a rule I don’t really like looking back into my past too much or at least I didn’t until I met Jo my fiancee (still can’t get my head around using that word to describe her even though it’s been 8 months since I proposed to her and more importantly she said yes!) .

I’ve realised through the postings and poems I’ve shared, it’s reminded me of  how so  much  has happened in the last year of this blog and in real life.

I written about breaks ups (J and had two brief separations early last year) wrote poems and impromptu blogs about how my mum dealt with the stress and the worry and of the  extremely long wait to find out if her cancer had come back or not. Thankfully she was given all clear in October. I’ve shared my thoughts in verse of how Jo’s heart condition deteriorated and how she had to be fitted with a pacemaker, which at 26 was young. I’ve documented my experiences of living with bipolar and described the relapses have I have suffered. I’ve shared my thoughts of my dad who passed 9 years ago and wrote poems about the sadness of my uncle’s passing (he was like a second father to me) . Oh and those poems which I have written for Jo.

I have learnt a lot about myself too. That it’s OK to let go, to expose the dark thoughts that invade my mind caused by my depression sometimes, whether it be in the form of poetry or even in just sharing my thoughts with Jo. But most of all It’s been a year of discovery, of knowing that I don’t have to carry this burden of stuff I’ve carried alone for so long, that far from me having fears of holding Jo back, I realise she is the one person who holds me up, and helps me carry the weight in fact just unburdens me of stuff that quite frankly doesn’t matter anymore and for that no amount of words can describe how much love I have for her. That’s why I proposed to her a week after her surgery on 19 July at Angel Bay, because I needed to show her how much I loved her and for once not just write about it . So we will have been together six years this July, happier than ever, albeit I have a closet full of her Jimmy Choo shoes crammed into my closets. That’s why I keep my shoes in the boot of my car! It  is worth the sacrifice !

So would I say my blog year has been good?  One word Yes! I lost the need to write for a while , but this past year I’ve realised that writing is therapeutic, it focuses the mind, cleanses it, makes you feel joyous (well it does me anyway! ) Then there is the added  bonus of meeting other wonderful people on here too (although I have met one or two narcissist on my journey who appear to be far more interested in the number of followers they have, how many like they get,and so pre-occupied with stats, than they are in writing or blogging, which saddens me because I am not like that, I write for me, the fact that anybody else reads my blog in all honesty astounds me, likes posts I upload, leave lovely comments and follow my blog is truly humbling. So a huge THANK YOU from me for taking time to read my blog, never mind pressing  the like button and commenting, and following, honestly I am for once lost for words.  Anyway off for a few days away by the sea, as its my birthday tomorrow, so taking the laptop with me so I can catch up on some blogs I have been meaning to read for a while, especially now as I also  have new glasses which have  dyslexic lenses, as  I dont know if some you realise I am dyslexic . So the glasses are a Godsend as sometimes other people’s work is sometimes hard to read. I’m OK with writing as I use a dyslexic word font . Anyway your comments are always appreciated.

One final thought: I wonder what ever happened to Sara Clark?

May contain Rants

In a sea shell…

Shell1

Is it possible to feel like a child again

To view the world through the innocence of their eyes

To play those games where you count to ten

(Coming ready or not!)

Or to spend summer days lying in long grass

Making shapes out of clouds that float across the blue skies

(Look there’s the shape of a dog!)

The sound of the school bells rings out loud

And you’d smile ear from ear as you ran out of class

(Cheering as we see mothers waiting to greet!)

Being read bedtime stories at night

Fairy tales, Roald Dahl and Dr Seuss

Drifting off as they slowly retreated turning off the light

(To dream of Green Eggs and Ham!)

Adventures at the seaside

Climbing rocks as big as boulders

To collect sea shells and take they home in a bag

(Listen you can hear the sea in this shell!)

But childhood all to quickly floats away

Like a balloon it carries ours dream away

And we are left here with adulthood bearing down on our shoulders

Search out that shell you once collected

Place to your ear, hear the sea roar

And the innocence of childhood is recaptured once more

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Spring…

KIDS-PLAYING-OUTDOORS-facebook

Perfection falls from the skies

As spring finally arrives

The daffodils in the garden

With heads once bowed

Now stand to attention to greet the sun

All around us new life has begun

The house begins to come alive as roof slates

Moan and groan as they begin to stir

With the suns heat

And in the street

Children laugh and play

For they have woken to a sunny day

Spring has arrived

And just for today lets us all smile

In appreciation

As the spring has awoken from it’s hibernation

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

I know this now…

There was a time I doubted her

I thought the years between us were too much

I doubted whether she’d understand

The complexities of my mind

So many thoughts of doubt I had

So I put obstacles

Of my baggage in her way

Pushed her away again and again and again

And hid behind my walls

But she never gave up

Because she loves me

I know I this now

She tells me age is just a number

That we meet somewhere in the middle

I know this now

For behind the Chanel and her jimmy Choo’s

Is the spirit of an old soul

Where as I am young at heart

She tells me she understands the definition of complexity

She’s tells me how she gorged on it and spewed it out

I know this now

She tells me she’s here to help carried the load I once called baggage

That  I no longer need to struggle with it alone

I know this now

She tells me I do not need to hide behind vast walls

For her arms are the only protection that I need

and so she pulls me in towards her  again and again and again

I know this now

And when on bended knee

I placed that ring on her finger

All the thoughts of doubt

I once had

All those foolish thoughts

Vanished in the breeze

Because she really does love me

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Raindrops …

RainThroughWindscreen2-5930

It rained this morning

As I was going to work

Stuck in traffic

I sat stationery as the raindrops fell

On the windscreen

Wipers frantically going back and forth

But as each droplet hit the screen

It made a perfect circle

Some circles interlocked

As if the heavens merged them intentionally

Sometimes we need the rain

And traffic jams

How else would we know

That from grey skies

Falls perfection

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Pebbles…

We are pebbles you and I

I am flawed

For I have weathered too many rough seas

But you are perfect

In my eyes

Soft and smooth

But yet together we are so similar

Grounded

We do not bury ourselves in the sand

We have withstood the storms

And survived

With nothing but a perfect a horizon laid

Out before us

No dark clouds above

Just a blue sky tomorrow can we see

As we bask in sun Side by side

We are each others rock you and I

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Welcome to the circus…

SONY DSC

Welcome to the circus

And enter my mind

Be baffled and amazed

At the performance of my thoughts

See the trapeze artists toy with my mood

See how high they swing

And

Watch them fall

See how they walk preciously across the thin wire

Always trying to maintain their balance

Hoping not to slip and get hurt

See how they juggle

One thought, two, three, four all in quick succession

Until they all coming crashing down to the ground

See the faces drawn on my thoughts

Painted white faces

With their wide fake smiles

Yet lurking behind the scenes

Waiting for their moment in the spot light

There are the thoughts that

Can lift the weight of a car in each of their hands

And those that can tame the wildest beast known to man

Welcome to the circus

And enter my mind

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

A kiss is just a kiss…

I remember that first kiss we shared

It wasn’t awkward

It was full of promise and passion

We’ve shared a thousand kisses or more since then

In corridors, in our car, in our bedroom, in the bath,

walking on the beach and against the rocks at Angel bay

Those saccharine kisses in the morning accompanied with a smile

Gentle goodbye kisses when I drop you off at work

Kisses on the top of my head when I’m writing and you bring me tea

Those kisses that soothe my mind in my darkest moments

Discreet kisses when no one is looking

Kisses on the neck when you are cooking

Long kisses in the evening that send us to our slumber

Kisses that tease

Lustful kisses that

Send euphoric waves crashing through our bodies

Too many kisses to count

and so a kiss isn’t just a kiss

Each one has holds a memory

As every kiss has been shared with you

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

One whole week …

I’m rushing the time away

Counting down the days

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Then we will be free

Free from the early morning alarm and the rat race

For one whole week

I’m dreaming about the uninterrupted

days we’ll have, just us two

Shall we go and stay by the sea

And go beach walking

Perhaps we’ll go to the country

Where there’s wide open space

Or maybe we’ll spend the time alone in a room with a view

Then again we could just go potter around old boutiques

And sit in café bars just people watching

Have lazy lie in’s and get up at noon

Or we could have a picnic in the living room

For my birthday next week

Maybe we can do all of the above

After all we have one whole week

Of uninterrupted days , just the two of us

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Time is gone all too briefly…

Time is gone all too briefly

Like glimpses of the sun it soon too disappears

Through the branches of the trees as we drive on past

Momentary flickers of the past present future

Merge into one

But recently I lost sight of the sun

So many precious moments I should have

captured with you

But my thoughts were lost completely

To the imbalance in my brain

Between the clarity, insanity

and the Purgatory that

Ricocheted against all corners of my mind

Stolen were my thoughts

Only for them to reappear

In some abyss of despair

In fear I was losing all reason

Scared that my mind was being driven insane

By mischievous demons

But as my sense of clarity is slowly restored

Not one more second, minute, hour or day

Will I waste in trying to recapture

Precious moments, intimate moments

With you

For as we both know

Time is gone all too briefly

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

I have your number…

I have your number for text messages on breaks

I have your number for emergency (just in case)

I have your number for when you’re away

I have your number when you’re ready to be

driven home  at the end of the  working day

But most of all I have your number

So I  can ring you

To hear your voice

Wherever your are,

Whatever the time

To feel your smile

And most of all

Just to tell you that

“I Love you”

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Conversations before bedtime…

pat stars

Our room illuminates light

Patterns from the lampshades

Shadows of stars project on the ceiling

With a backdrop from our window we see the cold dark night

Yet warmth radiates from beneath our covers

Desires lost to my mind, I had forgotten the feeling

The desires that only belongs to you I begin to rediscover

A conversation before bedtime

Of wanting, of love, of passion, are now translated

Through touch as fingertips begin to trace

Sublime

Of skin touching skin

Pupils dilated, entwined bodies lay naked

Heartbeats race

Rhythm to a dance only we two share begins

As shadows of our  love projects onto the ceiling

And there we dance amongst the shadowy stars

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

The power of words

The power of words and how they are written

Can turn the coldest hearts and make the smitten

Words turned into stories can make you laugh

Or they can make you cry

At least that’s the idea

They can but try

The power of words can change and destroy a nation

Just take a look back at Hitler’s written ideas

And his crazy plans for segregation

Words can stir up emotions laid so deep

They can make or break a relationship

It all depends on the penmanship

So when you are feeling low

Try writing the words your voice cannot find

You’ll be amazed of the problems you will leave behind

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Walls of kisses

wall-of-kisses--large-msg-132494150281

When the darkness becomes dark

And the moon is hiding

The melconholy clock strikes

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I weep in corners of our room

Wanting to make the clocks stop

Trying to escape the fog

That coverts my mind

With train of thoughts

Escalating deeper down

It wraps itself around everything good

Everything  but you

It’s you who ventures into my dark corner

It’s you who stops the mood pendulum from swinging

It’s you who wraps yourself around me

to stop the pain

to stop the tremors

to stop the thoughts from escalating

It’s you who shows me the way through the fog

It’s you who shows me our room has more the dark corners

Where I hide

It’s you who shows me our room with it’s walls of kisses

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Between the dusk and the dawn…

In the dark hours between dusk and dawn

When my thoughts are at their darkest

When dancing demons taunt me

When their voices tease my thoughts

You are my one constant vision of hope

You with your words of comfort

Yours are the lips that kiss the tears away

Yours are the hugs that banishes the lonely thoughts away

So in the dark hours between dusk and dawn

It’s you, only you that gets me through the night

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Memories for a Birthday

dad birthday

MY 200th poem on wordpress, how fitting it should be written for my Father on what would have been his 81st birthday

There hasn’t been one day since you past

That I don’t think of you

Sometimes the thoughts are tinged with pain

But not today Dad

Today I think of good times

Happier times

Of the silly days we shared

Of times when I was small

When you sit me on your knee

And you’d read to me, sing to me

How I so miss your voice today

These are the days I want to remember today Dad

There are things we try to cling to

Of stories shared

Some memories can only be seen through photographs

But the most precious memories cannot be seen or heard

They are in every heartbeat that we feel

So today Dad

Happy Birthday

Wherever your spirit soars

With love from me your little girl

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

3 am in the morning…

3 am in the morning

I find myself sitting by the window

Watching the stillness of the sea

Thoughts running around my head

My heads too busy to sleep

With pen in hand and a blank page laid before me

I look over to you sleeping

My inspiration

But I cannot write tonight

There are too many thoughts running

Around my head tonight

So sit and watch you for a while

You breathe in unison with the tides

Your stillness always calms me

It soothes me

Like the ocean does

It makes me feel safe

Slowly I drift off into a state of peace

5 am in the morning

I am awoken by your voice

“Its 5 am in the morning

You’re freezing

Come back to bed”

And safely you returned me to lie next you

Beneath the thick cotton cocoon

5:30 am in the morning

With the stillness of you wrapped around me

Thoughts no longer run around my head

Calm

Safe

We drift off back into a state of peace

Both breathing in unison with the tides as we do

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Towards the sun …

I’ve lost my way

I ‘ve been running away from the sun

To a place that’s all too familiar

To a place tinged with sadness and pain

Where only dark clouds follow me

I need the stillness and the time to think

To recollect my thoughts

To retrace my steps

But I ran away from the sun

I have lost sight of my shadow

My guide that helps me home

But which way do I now turn?

East?

West?

North?

Or

South?

Then I remember there are five fixed points

On my compass

I need to follow the direction towards

Love!

Home to her

Home to my mother

Home to those friends

Who care enough

Who love me enough

These are one’s who light my way

On this dark forsaken road

Back to them

Back home

Back towards the sun

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Apart of me she cannot touch…

My mind is bruised

Its colour is slowly turning black and blue

Chaos rules my thoughts

Transmission signals are beginning to be lost

As the imbalance of the  mind scales begin to fluctuate

From one minute to the next

To Hyper Ville to my own personal sink hole

Its difficult to hide the pain away

When all people can see

Is a smile on my face

And tears streaming down my cheeks

But these are not happy tear that I can now taste

They are bitter and dark and taste of treacle

They stick to my tongue

I am rendered unable to speak

I’m losing my voice

To the demon voices inside my head

And all I can do is run, run far away inside myself

And hide in dark corners of total solace

Because this is a part of me  I do not want to her see

This is a part of me she cannot touch

Her arms cannot comfort my troubled mind

Her sweet kisses cannot soothe the darkest thoughts

And how I so wish that they could

How I need her tendered touch to take it all away

But all she can do is pick me up when I fall

So for now all I can do is run, run far away inside myself

Until the bruising fades and the voices stop

And my tears begin to taste like honey once more

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Celebration …

new day

Shall we cast the day into the sky

And let a cloudburst of confetti rain upon us

Let us dance amongst the coloured paper puddles

In celebration

Of a brand new day

Of being alive

Of being in love

Shall we scattered the day across floor

On a cold winter’s morning

And watch the precious stones glisten as they freeze

Let us skate upon a diamond sheet

In celebration

Of a brand new day

Of being alive

Of being in love

Shall we pour the day into the ocean

And watch the sea turn into wine

Let us get drunk on the ocean waves

In celebration

Of a brand new day

Of being alive

Of being in love

Or shall we allow the day to wake by itself

And watch the sun rise in the east

Let us listen to the birds chorus

In celebration

Of a brand new day

Of being alive

Of being in love

Like every other day

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Falling in love with you…

float

Falling in love  with you

Was like walking to the waters edge

And Letting the sea dance between my toes

Then spontaneously walking out to sea

Falling backwards not caring how deep I was about to fall

But just knowing that I’d float

Then just drifting

With the sun beating down on me

Totally content,

Completely safe

Feeling freer than I had ever felt before

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Spirit soar free…

My beautiful picture

“Our Father

That art in heaven

Hallowed be thy name”

When I was at school

Every morning without fail

We stood in assembly

We recited this prayer

I knew it was a prayer to G_d

So why call him Father?

My father was very much alive

But now my father has passed

I still don’t relate to this prayer

Because I know my father

Could not be in heaven

Not that he was evil

or damn to Hell

He was good man in many ways

He had a free spirit

So somehow I know that the

Pearly gates wouldn’t confine him

His spirit soars free with the wind

And dives in the oceans

Sometimes he’s closer to home

To visit places

and

people he loved so much

He no longer needs to knock

We know he is there

We see his orb dart into sight

Sometimes it the tiniest of dots

That disappears with blink of an eye

But knowing he’s there

Showing us he still cares

There are times he doesn’t visit for weeks

I don’t get disheartened

Sometimes its enough to know

That he’s not confided

Behind the Pearly Gates

So wherever you are today Dad

May your spirit always be free

Let it soar on wind

And bring you home

To visit me

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

All of you! …

At-the-River-212x300Saturday afternoon

With nothing much to do

Your  catching up with your work

Typing reports

And

I’m staring out of  the window

Thinking like I usually do

Tracing the raindrops

As they dance down the window pane

I glance at you

Concentration on your face

It got me thinking

What was it I first noticed about you?

Was it your eyes?

Hypnotic blue that cast a spell over me

Was it your long locks of golden blonde?

That radiated me towards you

Was it your mouth full and inviting?

Your lips have always been enticing

Or was it something much deeper

I first notice about you

Could it have been

The gentleness of your soul?

That attracted me like a moth

To the warmth , its brightness

I cannot really be sure

But whatever it was

That first time we met

I know one thing now

I love all of you!

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Let our minds run away…

stars

Let our minds run away

To a secluded place

Only you and I know

Where the ocean spray

Sweeps across our skin

Where our thoughts feel free

Let our minds

Dive into the waters

Caressed

Are our thoughts

As the ebb and flow

Carries them towards

The rivers of sin

Where they’d swim

Let our thoughts  

Later rest on the river bank

Let them lie

Side by side

Let them count stars

And acknowledge the fates

For merging our thoughts

Together as one

And in the morning

Feel the exultation

With the exchange of our kisses

Knowing that it wasn’t just our thoughts

That swam in the rivers of sin

Last night

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

I’m the land of words

books

“Child hide!” my inner voice would say

As the voices boomed from the kitchen

And I would run as fast as my tiny feet would carry me

Behind the sofa I would hide

But as the noise began to

Ricochet off the walls and the ceiling

Crouched I’d sit

And

Hide my face away

Deep in the blackness

Of my cotton and acrylic cave

I would stay

Until the noise would cease

And they would come and  find me

And with remorseful hugs

They would hold me

On those days when my parents needed to talk

I was given refuge with my grandfather

His house was a refuge for people

And for books

Rows of musty smelling

Hard backed books

Treasure Island

Robinson Crusoe

Little women

And book with words that didn’t have chapters

But with words that dance beautifully across the page

 Betjeman, Yeats, Woolf and T.S Elliot to name but a few

I listened as he would recite stories of far off lands

And hang on to every word

Of those of verses of love he would recite

I remember his heart danced

But his voice would quiver

I now realise he was thinking of my grandmother

As I grew I would search for those words he read

And lock them away inside my head

  So for those times when my thoughts are dark

And those demons come a knocking

I no longer hide behind seated barricades

I no longer hide away in my cotton and acrylic cave

I escape to the land of words

Where demons  are not welcome.

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Love you too much…

LOVE YOU TOO MUCH

Sometimes

I think I love you too much

I have tempered eyes of green

that stir emotions in me

That laid repressed

Darker emotions

That creep to the surface

Of an anger that was nurtured inside

And witnessed through my childish eyes

Of people who loved each other a little too much

And those scars I wear on my back

The ones you so often affectionately kiss

Those are the scars she gave me

That first time she told me

She loved me a little too much

But sometimes

I feel I’m morphing into her

This scares me

Sometimes

I want to shake you

Tear off your head

For being too nice

For being too bloody understanding

For being too naive in certain situations

And

For loving me back a little too much

But in your heart you know

I’d never touch you the way

She did with me

I would never allow myself to get inside your head

Like they did to me

Because I really do love you too much

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

images c/o brightly wound
images c/o brightly wound
May contain Rants

Between the light and the shadow…

GOLDEN

Deep into the forest of despair

I once travelled

Down  the  many paths of loneliness

I walked

Weighed down by the heaviness

Of my shattered heart

I struggled

Longing for a chance to lay

My broken spirit

                                   Then by chance

I came across a valley

And

In the distance

I  saw a  golden sky

Its  warmth

guided me

To a river so clear

 Then I  saw you

Stood there by the river bank

Arms stretched out

You called me over

You held my broken body

To your breast

You fixed my broken heart

You washed away the ingrained pain

You quenched my thirst with your kisses

You fed me a diet of love

And when  my strength was returned

You helped me to my feet

You  made a promise to me then

To keep me from returning

Back to the forest of despair

To be caught

Between the light and the shadow

Five years you’ve kept your promise

No longer do I walk alone

But side by side with you

We  now continued to walk

Towards the warmth of the  golden sky

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Reason to be…

driftwood

I am driftwood

Floating

On her

My ocean

She calms me

Between the ebb and flow

Submerged

I am anointed

By her love

I am an acorn

That falls to the ground

From her

My oak tree

Protected by her roots

I am grounded

She nurtures me

I am the child

On sunny days

Warmed by the touch

Of her

My Sun

She lifts my mood

She makes me want to dance
Barefoot and carefree

I am what I ever I want

To be

As she is my reason to be

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

When you are ready

hugs console

We share a love

You and I

Bound by

An unbreakable cord tied by the fates

So do not hide yourself behind a life once lived

With  its memories overshadowed by shame

It has been  hidden too long

Beneath the ribbons that bind  it in its guilt

Allow me to lift  the burden that weighs down your heart

Let my  love rid you of its torment

Of this  life once  lived

Its memories now belong to its past

For we now have today  and a tomorrow

New memories to forge

And  for when you ready

I will be here (as always)

With my heart brimming with love (ready to heal you)

And arms open (ready to hold you)

With shoulders so broad (they will soak up yours tears)

When you are ready

I will be here.

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

My Muse

writing+poetryAttempt to understand  the truth  of all those words I have said in the cold light of the day

and for all the promises that  I have whispered , on  those dark moon filled nights

I have shared with you

They speak nothing but love for you

And for all the times I have layed bare my soul upon the page

see that every word, every sentence

They are nothing more than the lyrics of the songs from my heart

That sings only to you

My words are only for you

You are my listener, my reader and  my muse

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Winter Night slumber

winter slumber

The bleakness that coats the cold winter days

Is all too soon eclipsed by the blackness of even colder nights

Winter storms ravage the nature of the land

As rain pounds against the glass

I lie on top of you

Rested is my weary head, as it settles upon your breast

I listen to beats of your now calmed heart

As they send me to my slumber

Safe, nestled, cradled within the softness of your arms

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Snap, Write, Blog…

As I said in my previous post, New Year , a time for reflection , taking stock and re-valuating things. So over the last week I have been taking stock, reflecting and jotting down things , projects I want /need to do . I think it’s important for each of us to set goals , to push ourselves , whether mentally or physically and not make excuses in not having the time to do things that make us happy. Even if you only have 15 minutes   a day, you can begin the process .

Anyway on personal  note I KNOW I need a leave of absence from social media for a while; feeling too tangled up (on Facebook right now) than is healthy for me, so started off the process of weaning myself away from it, which has  begun with cleansing  some of my friends off Facebook . Not because they’re not nice people, its just that there was no mutual social interaction , so I really didn’t see the point of justifying having them as friends on Facebook !

Then there is my blog , when I originally started I had no idea of how it would develop. Whether it would be me posting the odd rant every so often. It ended up with me sharing poetry ( I have no idea how or why it happened) but I’m glad it did. It got the creative juices flowing. I’m very self critical of my ‘writing’ , I don’t have the self belief in thinking that my poems are remotely any good , never mind even just OK.

This year I want to set myself a challenge with the blog, I have some idea’s on how I want it to develop , whether it will be more poetry , or more journal based I’m  not sure yet .

But then I might  actually start sharing photograph’s . Its a passion I  had  over 30 years ago, and recently I’ve been wanting to explore it again.

When I was in my late teens I ate ,lived , breathed photography, I was lucky enough to have two exhibitions of my work shown in Manchester, which were really  successful . I wanted to pursue it as a career, so I study photography as an ‘A ‘level,  built my portfolio up and I got accepted to study Photography at Manchester Polytechnic when I was 21 ,but never accepted the place on the course ,as my mum became really ill and life’s priorities changed. It was then put the camera away and stopped taking photographs . But always  I still look at things from the view point that there an image , a photograph waiting to be captured  Its very much the same when it comes to words or observations , I see the format of a poem or a blog .

My partner has been aware that there has been this niggle for quite a few months now, but I suppose self doubt and the knowledge that there is unfortunately an element  of snobbery that exists when it comes to photography , I don’t know whether I have still what it takes. But as my partner says ” How do you know until you give it a go and try “. So for Christmas she bought me a new camera and told me ” You no longer have an excuse , go take some photographs, build your confidence back up!”  ( Nice to know she believes in me !)

So yes I have a list of projects  I want to do this year. A hundred ideas on blogs and poems I want to write. I have no idea when they will come to fruition . As they say time will tell.