A journal to survival…

28/09/201419/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

Leaving

It’s been 8 months 15 days

Since my thoughts disappeared

Into the blueness of my mind

Until nothing of me was left behind

Deeper I withdrew myself a little more

each day

I did not realised you leaving

Lost

It been 8 months 4 days

Since I let you slip away

And my demons arrived to stay

To cavort and taunt me

They would not let me be

I tried so hard to beat them

But soon I began to realise

they had won and I had lost

Hallucinations

It’s been 4 months 22 days

When the voices arrived

They mocked me

I was petrified

I witness my own death

And my own cremation

This was the being of

the hallucinations

Recovery

It’s been 3 months 15 days

I did not know what to do

I called for your help to get me through

Even though we were no longer lovers

You arrived in the middle of the night

You calmed me and reassured me

You told me you be there and help me recover

Survived

It’s been 2 months 2 days

When for the first I day awoke

I could smile

It been a while after all the

days and months sat in darkness

But I realised I was still alive

That I had survived

Sex…

27/09/201427/06/2017 Fin2 Comments

Sex
This is what I want to share with you
To have your naked body
Lie with mine
Mouth
Hands
Fingers
I need to feel your touch
To be skin on skin with you
Until our bodies lie entwined
All of you
I want to rediscover the parts of you
I have missed so much
To let my senses get high on you
Complete
And when we are both satisfied
Unware there is anything
other than the space we now occupy
I want us to lie there face to face
With our gaze locked
So to feel the emotional connection
Of the intimacy we have just shared
Copyright 2014 June Bolland

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A sensual request…

25/09/201426/09/2014 FinLeave a comment

Are you well enough

are sure really that you’re

ready for this?

Aren’t you still feeling fragile?

You’ve not long been recovered

It’s been a while

Maybe we should

forget about this

In turn I reply

Come over here

Stop your worrying

It’s only a kiss!

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Words are everywhere…

25/09/201423/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

I carry words around with me in my head

And in the back pockets of my jeans

Words I’ve written of when I think about you

I have words on bits of paper hiding

in journals on the table at the side of our bed

I find words in the pockets of my jackets

In book I’m reading

And in books I have read

Words I’ve written whilst I’m at work

When I’m day dreaming of you

Random words that lie dormant

in the draws of my desk

Words full of such emotion

And expressions of deep rooted feeling’s

But there’s only one word

The truest word

That says what I will always feel about you

This word I carry in my heart

The word is LOVE

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Desires of wanting you …

23/09/201427/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

Let’s touch base

Let’s discuss things face to face

Let me outline the facts

And tell you where my head is at

Babe I cannot lie

I cannot resist you for

very much longer

The urge to kiss you

is getting stronger

I miss your touch

I miss the softness of your skin

I miss your sweet sighs so much

But I know

We agreed to take things slow

But the desires of wanting you lying

next to me in our bed

Invade the thoughts in my head

But please don’t think

I want to rush you

It’s just every day

you’re not here

I miss you more

It’s because it’s you I adore

So please consider

what I have said

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Attraction …

22/09/201402/05/2017 Fin2 Comments

I was never attracted to blondes until met her

to me they always seem to be blue eyed and too pale

They were just not what I looked for in a female

You see I had a type

All my other girlfriends

were dark skinned coffee coloured eyed dykes

So what changed?

How do I begin to explain how the attraction

began to occur

To be honest it all a blur

It was 7 years ago

When she literally turn up at my door

But one thing for sure

She’s caring and kind and her heart s so pure

And when she opens her mouth and speaks

Her accent makes me melt and go weak

I could listen to her all day

And yet despite her caring side

she feisty and wild

She made me see life from a different angel

she’s turned my world on its head

And it’s not just the passion she brought to our bed

It’s beyond that

It’s the fact

She believes in me

She see’s things in me other people don’t see

So forget all the women I’ve loved in past

With their coffee eyes, black hair

and dark skin I loved them individually

For reasons and for seasons

But they were never meant to last

Because with her you see

No one can hold a candle

For I will love her for a thousand life times

Because being with her was met to be

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Love letter…

22/09/201429/08/2015 FinLeave a comment

I’m trying to write a love letter

If I’m being honest

I started off quite well

I’ve managed to write down her name

“Dear J”

But then the nib of my pen

became frozen to the page

And so did the thoughts in my brain

I’m trying to express the way I feel

But my head is full of facts it doesn’t

Know where it’s at

So many questions and answers

Of my desires of wanting her

And how I’ve missed her touch

And how I long for her kisses

Of how I love her

so very much

But do I dare

after asking her to take things slow

Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t got

Any further than “Dear Jo “

My head screams

So I try to relax, refrain

Start again

But the nib of my pen is still

frozen to the page

The words just won’t come

They cannot be written

Maybe it’s time for this bullet to bitten

Maybe I should just ring her instead

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Backpack Society…

20/09/201422/09/2014 FinLeave a comment

What is wrong with this society

With it’s judge others before we judge

Ourselves mentality.

We daren’t ask of the roads they travel

We do not want to contaminate our feet

by wearing their shoes

We do not want to be weighed down

by the backpacks that

carry their dreams

These are the lost

unravelled

left vulnerable

By our Backpack society

We pretend to look the other way

We do not like to meddle

In throwaway society

Where it is acceptable to queue for days

For the latest apple id

Yet we shun those that have no choice

But to sleep in piss soaked doorways

Begging for small change

And so I plead

Look into your heart

In this Backpack society

Do not judge others before you judge yourself

Remember each and everyone of us

has a name

Everyone is human too

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Unfinished conversation from yesterday…

14/09/201408/05/2017 FinLeave a comment

You asked me yesterday

if I believed in hope

in others words for you and I

I couldn’t reply

I told you I needed space to think

So here lies the truth

This what I think

I wasn’t looking for serious

I wasn’t looking for commitment

I had a heart full of brokenness

A soul full of guilt

But you were the Celt gypsy who arrived

to steal my heart and

claim my soul to dance with it

in the rain

Without you I do not live

I merely exist

Without you I do not feel the

breath of air as it enters my lungs

You are every thought that enters

my mind

You are the skin on my bones

For you are integral to my being

You will always be part of me

That’s why I cannot ever stop

being in love with you

So yes I do believe in hope.

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A four letter word…

11/09/201419/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

I try to write but the words that have been locked inside my head

Desperate to be freed, to be expressed

But the sentences have disappeared

This what a four letter word like meds do to you

My days seem to bleed from one day into the next

As I try to write these words

And as ink connects its self to the page when I think of your name

it weeps through

This is what a four letter word like love do to you

My nights are filled with dread

Every noise, creak, groan

Makes me think there’s monster under my bed

When really it all irrational made up stuff in my head

This is what a four letter word like fear do to you

May contain Rants

Medicated dreams…

02/09/2014 FinLeave a comment

They say the pills will help me sleep and dream “ medicated dreams”

But they don’t

It’s difficult to sleep with you now no longer here to spoon

They say the pills will help the voices in my head

But they don’t

They mock and taunt, relentless they tell me how I fucked up

They say the pills will help stop the hallucinations

But they don’t

See I still see you and a form of me

Before the madness arrived

So really all the pills really do is make regret, cry and miss you