A very short synopsis of what’s been going on the last few months.
It would be fair to say that I have had a few difficult months recently. I had a major Bipolar episode at the end of February which plummeted me into a pit of absolute darkness , I tried to struggle on but by March I knew I couldn’t function .Whilst this was going on my relationship with my fiancee was falling apart all due to the intensity and problems surrounding my Bipolar. My ex became tired of trying to get me to listen to reason, in trying to persuade me that I needed to get help. No matter how well she coped with my rapid cycling and my sometimes rejection of her and the verbal abuse aimed at her too, she coped. What she couldn’t cope with was the issue of my denial and bad management regarding this illness.
My partner was always really good at reading when moods were about to change , where as I was more inclined to ignore them. In December she told me that she could tell I was heading for a breakdown and that I should seek help, I told her I was fine and choose to ignore her. BIG MISTAKE!
So January arrived and the extreme rapid cycling started, and then February arrived and this is when things began to come apart at the seams . I’ll set the scene for you -I was in a Board meeting at work facing 18 people and within minutes of the meeting I lost it. Luckily for me my manager and one my friends were there. As soon as I left the room I crashed to the floor and was lying in the fetal position , sobbing. This was the start.
Towards the end of March with the commencement of the breakdown still fairly fresh my partner and I had huge row all because I was still refusing to seek help. It was at this point she left me but only after I told her to leave. Never expecting her to actually go , I must admit I was not impressed , but now with clarity of mind I understand why she did go as now I know I left her with no other option, if I could have walked out on me I would have done. Anyway my partners absence was the wake up call I needed to go seek help. I saw a psychiatrist , who prescribed me new alternative medications to the ones I was taking. So March rolled into July and then things became a whole lot darker.
Now I’ve had frequent episodes but none have been as terrifying than this episode, purely because the new medications began to kick in. As a result drowsed I became submerged deeper in the darkness of my own thoughts, it was then I began hearing voices, I knew it wasn’t my inner voice or voices I recognised, these voices were menacing and terrifying as were the hallucinations I was also beginning to have. It initially started with a voice calling out my name , I turn but they’d be no one there , this would repeat itself , each time the voice would appear to come from a different direction. As time went by the voice turn into voices , at first they seemed to laugh and mock , then they became menacing , just writing about it gives me a chill. It was at this time the hallucinations began . I remember the first time it happen , it was the early hours of the morning , I thought I could hear foot steps on the landing , and then I saw two images watching me terrified I called my ex partner in the hopes she’d pick up the phone I didn’t know who else to call. Thankfully she answered her phone and within 15 minutes she arrived to calm me down.
My ex stepped in and decided to take some time off work to look after me , and my mum. The doctors agreed to let my ex look after me as she is a nurse.So since July , she been my rock. When needed she’s driven to my house in middle of the night and stayed awake with me as I have been terrified to be alone and when the voices and hallucinations were at their most prevalent, she told me focus on the blue skies and the view of the horizon by the sea where we often went to visit, happy times. She made sure my mum was properly looked after and more importantly she’s helped me survive this episode, by making me realise that I have so much to live for.Even though we are no longer romantically involve we are as close as we can be .But we both realise the relationship will never be rekindled but it doesn’t mean that we”ll ever stop caring for each other. I’m just so glad we have one of those relationships that despite everything we can still be part of each others lives, after all we will always be best friends. So here’s to looking towards the future, and the being thankful to appreciate those Blue skies on the horizon and to those who remind you that they are there.