I have my final counselling session today and I am a little apprehensive. I don’t want it to end , I feel like I’m going to visit a really good friend for the very last time.It makes me feel sad but then again I should take it as a positive that I am grown up and no longer need my comfort blanket.
As I said in my previous posting I have recently been going through a really bad bipolar episode.I am now well on the road to recovery. My mood swings are finally levelling out due to new medications and due to the counselling sessions I have received.
My psychiatrist thought it would help me to attend counselling as I was beginning to isolate myself more and more. Anyone who suffers from Bipolar will understand how debilitating the isolation is when your going through a depressive phase. I find it difficult to explain how relentless the battle with it is. Generally I am loner anyhow, not of my own choice I might add but because I am the sole carer of mum who is paraplegic , I have been for the last 25 years and somehow the isolation of it’s duties have been forced upon me, non of which is my mum’s fault , as she didn’t choose her illness nor did I. It’s just that people, friends stopped asking me to socialise a long time ago and previous partners begrudged the amount of time and commitment that went into looking after my mum. This is the reason why my latest ex and I are still close, she’s the exception to the rule. (Discovered this through the counselling sessions) I know that people say the internet is a great place to maintain friendships and that it is also great place to meet new friends , maybe , I have yet to be convinced , I think they work for a while and then people move on, but I am not blameless it’s a two-way street and I know I am guilty in not keeping in touch and maintaining friendships, I blame it on my fear of rejection,I’ve always shut myself off from friendships before they reject me! ( also learnt through counselling). So whenever I go through a depressive phase the isolation is so much worst, because every bit of hurt,anger , frustration , rejection and self loathing is held deep within , and there is no one to share it with . So counselling was a blessing .
When I first started the counselling back in May I really didn’t think it would help, I thought it would be all cognitive behavioral therapy, which I’d previously had and which hadn’t worked. I was also worried that I wouldn’t like my counsellor , but I was proved wrong my counsellor Angela put me at ease straight away as we have a common interest we are both learning sign language. So the conversation began to flow very easily. I was so amazingly so open with her that I shared things about myself during that first session that no other living person knew about, so I came away surprised , relieved and optimistic.
I have looked forward to every counselling session since. Partly because it has given me purpose to get out of bed but more importantly it has been an opportunity to share hidden aspects life , my thoughts, in fact it was a place where I could just talk to someone in a non judgemental environment. It’s been a place of laughter and tears and importantly a place of rediscovering what makes me tick. It’s given me back a rejuvenated energy and a purpose of which direction I want my life to go in. I believe it’s fate that I had this Bipolar episode when I did because without it I wouldn’t I have met the wonderful people who have help me in my recovery including my psychiatrist and Angela my wonderful counsellor , who made me realise with her words of encouragement that I am an empathic person and that the counselling profession would benefit with someone like me. So you never know all being well I too could be able to counsel and help people in just like Angela has done with me. So hear’s to Angela for her Patience, her encouragement and kindness and making me realise it’s good to talk.