May contain Rants

Thoughts…

We were two strangers

Until that first kiss

Remember how we smiled

through the whole thing

That was before the demons

took over the roller coaster ride

And my life became a series

of mania and depression

They say I now need timeout  

To  allow you time to recover

from all the hurt I’ve instill on you

That I need to quieten my mind

To allow my brain to recover

That I need to take my pills

to attend the therapy

and to learn how to control

the rapid thoughts that

race around my head 

Yet when I’m

Alone at night

I still think of you

And that first kiss when

We were strangers

Copyright June Bolland 2014

May contain Rants

Nightshifts and words …

Words cannot replace
The physical sentiments of love
They cannot replace that first
morning kiss or the image of your smile that wakes me

Words cannot replace
The softness of your touch upon my skin
As darkness descends and time belongs to no one but us

But for those times when life just gets in the way
When we temporarily become ships that pass each other by

Carry my words , my sentiments
Keep them close to heart
Read them when you are on duty and all around you are sleeping
Take comfort that I will dream of you tonight

And when the sunrises in the morning read them again and
know sealed within every letter and space upon the page
is a kiss from me to send you to your slumber
Copyright Mehefin Bolland 2014

May contain Rants

Beneath a chandelier of stars…

tumblr_n06suqWh0n1rbz7uwo1_500

(image c/o http://flyingsaucer-eyes.tumblr.com/brightly wounded)

I’m folding clothes

Particles of sand fall

Onto the floor

Alone in the company of my thoughts

Zoetrope images flicker past my eyes

I drift off to that night

Smile

As I always do when I think of

You and the sea

To a time where we danced

Below a chandelier of stars

Just you and I

Where the rocks would be our orchestra

Wearing seaweed bow ties

I adore to dance with with you

T0 feel your touch

the rhythm of you

Desire builds

As the crescendo of waves

Laps over our feet

knocking us off balance

and

There we lie

with

The Orchestra

still playing in our ears

I adore to dance with you

T0 feel your touch

upon my skin

to feel the rhythm of you

Desire builds

As we lie

Beneath a chandelier of stars

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Yellow tailed

Sitting amongst the seaweed and the rocks

With my girl

Sea air tickles my nostrils and the sting hits me

Like a cold ice drink, it freezes my brain

But that’s good

My brain has been numb for weeks

My thoughts hiding in its cranial sac

Away from critical voices

But with medication now working

I can see people for what they are

Heads down they shuffle about

With their yellow tails tucked down low

beneath them

Scared the that ‘ stigma ‘ will touch them

You can see it in their eyes

no contact

they look away

Conversations stop

sometimes platitudes replace the words

They don’t want  to talk about it

IT’S TABOO!

BUT I DO!

I want shout out “I am as SANE as you, more so in fact!”

So thank God for my girl, my mother and the comfort of strangers

So to my ‘friends’ I have one simple message for you

God forbid the ‘black dog’ decides to take

A walk with you

Don’t come knocking at my door

I won’t be in

I’ll be sitting amongst the seaweed and the rocks

With my girl

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants · Uncategorized

Jimmy Choo’s in my closet

An impromptu posting.

I was reading my past posts on my blog yesterday. A majority (about 90%) of the poems I share are biographical. It was interesting to look back on the past year just by reading the poems and the postings .It’s a bit like reading a journal you kept when you were a teenage,  smiling and thinking back on the past . I  recently stumbled across an old journal dated 1982 , in which I wrote  “ I think I’m in love with Sara Clark!” . But as a rule I don’t really like looking back into my past too much or at least I didn’t until I met Jo my fiancee (still can’t get my head around using that word to describe her even though it’s been 8 months since I proposed to her and more importantly she said yes!) .

I’ve realised through the postings and poems I’ve shared, it’s reminded me of  how so  much  has happened in the last year of this blog and in real life.

I written about breaks ups (J and had two brief separations early last year) wrote poems and impromptu blogs about how my mum dealt with the stress and the worry and of the  extremely long wait to find out if her cancer had come back or not. Thankfully she was given all clear in October. I’ve shared my thoughts in verse of how Jo’s heart condition deteriorated and how she had to be fitted with a pacemaker, which at 26 was young. I’ve documented my experiences of living with bipolar and described the relapses have I have suffered. I’ve shared my thoughts of my dad who passed 9 years ago and wrote poems about the sadness of my uncle’s passing (he was like a second father to me) . Oh and those poems which I have written for Jo.

I have learnt a lot about myself too. That it’s OK to let go, to expose the dark thoughts that invade my mind caused by my depression sometimes, whether it be in the form of poetry or even in just sharing my thoughts with Jo. But most of all It’s been a year of discovery, of knowing that I don’t have to carry this burden of stuff I’ve carried alone for so long, that far from me having fears of holding Jo back, I realise she is the one person who holds me up, and helps me carry the weight in fact just unburdens me of stuff that quite frankly doesn’t matter anymore and for that no amount of words can describe how much love I have for her. That’s why I proposed to her a week after her surgery on 19 July at Angel Bay, because I needed to show her how much I loved her and for once not just write about it . So we will have been together six years this July, happier than ever, albeit I have a closet full of her Jimmy Choo shoes crammed into my closets. That’s why I keep my shoes in the boot of my car! It  is worth the sacrifice !

So would I say my blog year has been good?  One word Yes! I lost the need to write for a while , but this past year I’ve realised that writing is therapeutic, it focuses the mind, cleanses it, makes you feel joyous (well it does me anyway! ) Then there is the added  bonus of meeting other wonderful people on here too (although I have met one or two narcissist on my journey who appear to be far more interested in the number of followers they have, how many like they get,and so pre-occupied with stats, than they are in writing or blogging, which saddens me because I am not like that, I write for me, the fact that anybody else reads my blog in all honesty astounds me, likes posts I upload, leave lovely comments and follow my blog is truly humbling. So a huge THANK YOU from me for taking time to read my blog, never mind pressing  the like button and commenting, and following, honestly I am for once lost for words.  Anyway off for a few days away by the sea, as its my birthday tomorrow, so taking the laptop with me so I can catch up on some blogs I have been meaning to read for a while, especially now as I also  have new glasses which have  dyslexic lenses, as  I dont know if some you realise I am dyslexic . So the glasses are a Godsend as sometimes other people’s work is sometimes hard to read. I’m OK with writing as I use a dyslexic word font . Anyway your comments are always appreciated.

One final thought: I wonder what ever happened to Sara Clark?

May contain Rants

In a sea shell…

Shell1

Is it possible to feel like a child again

To view the world through the innocence of their eyes

To play those games where you count to ten

(Coming ready or not!)

Or to spend summer days lying in long grass

Making shapes out of clouds that float across the blue skies

(Look there’s the shape of a dog!)

The sound of the school bells rings out loud

And you’d smile ear from ear as you ran out of class

(Cheering as we see mothers waiting to greet!)

Being read bedtime stories at night

Fairy tales, Roald Dahl and Dr Seuss

Drifting off as they slowly retreated turning off the light

(To dream of Green Eggs and Ham!)

Adventures at the seaside

Climbing rocks as big as boulders

To collect sea shells and take they home in a bag

(Listen you can hear the sea in this shell!)

But childhood all to quickly floats away

Like a balloon it carries ours dream away

And we are left here with adulthood bearing down on our shoulders

Search out that shell you once collected

Place to your ear, hear the sea roar

And the innocence of childhood is recaptured once more

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Spring…

KIDS-PLAYING-OUTDOORS-facebook

Perfection falls from the skies

As spring finally arrives

The daffodils in the garden

With heads once bowed

Now stand to attention to greet the sun

All around us new life has begun

The house begins to come alive as roof slates

Moan and groan as they begin to stir

With the suns heat

And in the street

Children laugh and play

For they have woken to a sunny day

Spring has arrived

And just for today lets us all smile

In appreciation

As the spring has awoken from it’s hibernation

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

I know this now…

There was a time I doubted her

I thought the years between us were too much

I doubted whether she’d understand

The complexities of my mind

So many thoughts of doubt I had

So I put obstacles

Of my baggage in her way

Pushed her away again and again and again

And hid behind my walls

But she never gave up

Because she loves me

I know I this now

She tells me age is just a number

That we meet somewhere in the middle

I know this now

For behind the Chanel and her jimmy Choo’s

Is the spirit of an old soul

Where as I am young at heart

She tells me she understands the definition of complexity

She’s tells me how she gorged on it and spewed it out

I know this now

She tells me she’s here to help carried the load I once called baggage

That  I no longer need to struggle with it alone

I know this now

She tells me I do not need to hide behind vast walls

For her arms are the only protection that I need

and so she pulls me in towards her  again and again and again

I know this now

And when on bended knee

I placed that ring on her finger

All the thoughts of doubt

I once had

All those foolish thoughts

Vanished in the breeze

Because she really does love me

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Raindrops …

RainThroughWindscreen2-5930

It rained this morning

As I was going to work

Stuck in traffic

I sat stationery as the raindrops fell

On the windscreen

Wipers frantically going back and forth

But as each droplet hit the screen

It made a perfect circle

Some circles interlocked

As if the heavens merged them intentionally

Sometimes we need the rain

And traffic jams

How else would we know

That from grey skies

Falls perfection

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Pebbles…

We are pebbles you and I

I am flawed

For I have weathered too many rough seas

But you are perfect

In my eyes

Soft and smooth

But yet together we are so similar

Grounded

We do not bury ourselves in the sand

We have withstood the storms

And survived

With nothing but a perfect a horizon laid

Out before us

No dark clouds above

Just a blue sky tomorrow can we see

As we bask in sun Side by side

We are each others rock you and I

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Welcome to the circus…

SONY DSC

Welcome to the circus

And enter my mind

Be baffled and amazed

At the performance of my thoughts

See the trapeze artists toy with my mood

See how high they swing

And

Watch them fall

See how they walk preciously across the thin wire

Always trying to maintain their balance

Hoping not to slip and get hurt

See how they juggle

One thought, two, three, four all in quick succession

Until they all coming crashing down to the ground

See the faces drawn on my thoughts

Painted white faces

With their wide fake smiles

Yet lurking behind the scenes

Waiting for their moment in the spot light

There are the thoughts that

Can lift the weight of a car in each of their hands

And those that can tame the wildest beast known to man

Welcome to the circus

And enter my mind

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

A kiss is just a kiss…

I remember that first kiss we shared

It wasn’t awkward

It was full of promise and passion

We’ve shared a thousand kisses or more since then

In corridors, in our car, in our bedroom, in the bath,

walking on the beach and against the rocks at Angel bay

Those saccharine kisses in the morning accompanied with a smile

Gentle goodbye kisses when I drop you off at work

Kisses on the top of my head when I’m writing and you bring me tea

Those kisses that soothe my mind in my darkest moments

Discreet kisses when no one is looking

Kisses on the neck when you are cooking

Long kisses in the evening that send us to our slumber

Kisses that tease

Lustful kisses that

Send euphoric waves crashing through our bodies

Too many kisses to count

and so a kiss isn’t just a kiss

Each one has holds a memory

As every kiss has been shared with you

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland.

May contain Rants

One whole week …

I’m rushing the time away

Counting down the days

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Then we will be free

Free from the early morning alarm and the rat race

For one whole week

I’m dreaming about the uninterrupted

days we’ll have, just us two

Shall we go and stay by the sea

And go beach walking

Perhaps we’ll go to the country

Where there’s wide open space

Or maybe we’ll spend the time alone in a room with a view

Then again we could just go potter around old boutiques

And sit in café bars just people watching

Have lazy lie in’s and get up at noon

Or we could have a picnic in the living room

For my birthday next week

Maybe we can do all of the above

After all we have one whole week

Of uninterrupted days , just the two of us

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Time is gone all too briefly…

Time is gone all too briefly

Like glimpses of the sun it soon too disappears

Through the branches of the trees as we drive on past

Momentary flickers of the past present future

Merge into one

But recently I lost sight of the sun

So many precious moments I should have

captured with you

But my thoughts were lost completely

To the imbalance in my brain

Between the clarity, insanity

and the Purgatory that

Ricocheted against all corners of my mind

Stolen were my thoughts

Only for them to reappear

In some abyss of despair

In fear I was losing all reason

Scared that my mind was being driven insane

By mischievous demons

But as my sense of clarity is slowly restored

Not one more second, minute, hour or day

Will I waste in trying to recapture

Precious moments, intimate moments

With you

For as we both know

Time is gone all too briefly

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

I have your number…

I have your number for text messages on breaks

I have your number for emergency (just in case)

I have your number for when you’re away

I have your number when you’re ready to be

driven home  at the end of the  working day

But most of all I have your number

So I  can ring you

To hear your voice

Wherever your are,

Whatever the time

To feel your smile

And most of all

Just to tell you that

“I Love you”

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Conversations before bedtime…

pat stars

Our room illuminates light

Patterns from the lampshades

Shadows of stars project on the ceiling

With a backdrop from our window we see the cold dark night

Yet warmth radiates from beneath our covers

Desires lost to my mind, I had forgotten the feeling

The desires that only belongs to you I begin to rediscover

A conversation before bedtime

Of wanting, of love, of passion, are now translated

Through touch as fingertips begin to trace

Sublime

Of skin touching skin

Pupils dilated, entwined bodies lay naked

Heartbeats race

Rhythm to a dance only we two share begins

As shadows of our  love projects onto the ceiling

And there we dance amongst the shadowy stars

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

The power of words

The power of words and how they are written

Can turn the coldest hearts and make the smitten

Words turned into stories can make you laugh

Or they can make you cry

At least that’s the idea

They can but try

The power of words can change and destroy a nation

Just take a look back at Hitler’s written ideas

And his crazy plans for segregation

Words can stir up emotions laid so deep

They can make or break a relationship

It all depends on the penmanship

So when you are feeling low

Try writing the words your voice cannot find

You’ll be amazed of the problems you will leave behind

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland

May contain Rants

Walls of kisses

wall-of-kisses--large-msg-132494150281

When the darkness becomes dark

And the moon is hiding

The melconholy clock strikes

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I weep in corners of our room

Wanting to make the clocks stop

Trying to escape the fog

That coverts my mind

With train of thoughts

Escalating deeper down

It wraps itself around everything good

Everything  but you

It’s you who ventures into my dark corner

It’s you who stops the mood pendulum from swinging

It’s you who wraps yourself around me

to stop the pain

to stop the tremors

to stop the thoughts from escalating

It’s you who shows me the way through the fog

It’s you who shows me our room has more the dark corners

Where I hide

It’s you who shows me our room with it’s walls of kisses

©Copyright 2014 by June Bolland