Deep in thought I quietly sit
Whilst the pills I’ve just swallowed
Send chemicals to my brain
That no other therapies have been able to reach
And for that brief moment
I have clarity
A sense of rational thinking
A sense of normality
So I write not poetry but
A mantra
A list
To guide me
To focus on
And more importantly to hold onto
For when even darker days arrive
And they will arrive
I know because I’ve been here so many times before
I make a list of all the things that make me happy
Things I should be really cheerful about
A list of no particular relevance, of importance or order
I begin to write surprisingly without hesitation
Beach walking, Angel Bay, the smell of the ocean,
Wales (the land of my history), of being loved and being in love,
My beautiful Jo, my mum, my family, cups of tea in bed with my girl on a
Saturday morning, nights in, nights out, walks in the park
splashes in puddles in the Spring ,
basking in the sun on long summer days
Dancing through the leaves on cold Autumn nights
Snowball fights
warming Jo’s hands in the sleeves of my jumper
in the depths of winter
the changing colour’s of the season’s
the family meal round the table on Friday night ,
having conversations so deep, so funny and sometimes quite bizarre,
laughing out loud, music, books, poetry, photography,
of chatting/ texting /talking to good friends, Tuesday lunch dates,
Really thick cut crinkled crisps, cupcakes, a Marlboro to start the day,
Road trips and pyjama days
With pen put down, I read the list back,
I fold the list over and place in my wallet behind the photo of Jo
I return to my original position quietly sitting
And in the sustained moment of absolute clarity
I realise I am lucky to have so many reasons to be cheerful about
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland
