Now normally at this of the day I’ve either written, or am about to write or have the formation of a poem in my head but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about my father. Those of you have followed this blog since it started in December will be aware that in the early part of my life , well will know that my father and I, we didn’t have the best of relationships due to his alcoholism. It was only until I was 22 that he finally admitted he had a problem and got help for his illness, (because it is an illness) did we have a really close relationship, although despite his illness, from being a small child I had always worshiped (the sober him ). But today I just really really miss him.
He passed away 9 years ago to a rare illness called Guillain–Barré syndrome (GBS) that effects only about one person in 100,000 every year. It is an awful illness , he developed shortly after having cancer surgery, on the day he was due to be discharged from hospital ,we sat and watch a physically strong man even though he had suffered cancer succumb to this disease, paralysed him from the neck down .He deteriorated over a period of eight weeks until his body could take no more as he developed secondary cancer and I had to make that decision no ever should have to take and that was turn his life support system off, we held his hand and watched him pass to I believe a better place.
During those eight weeks we use to sit with him for hours, held his hands and I would hum The Beatles songs to him (his favorite was Blackbird) or we’d read to him, or we put the CD player on and let him listen to the Goon shows and Spike Milligan ( he was a huge fan). It calmed him down because he used to get distressed being on a ventilator, during those eight weeks we became incredible close.
His loss has never left us nor will it ever, as I am sure anyone reading this who have lost a love one will understand. We talk about him all the time because it keeps him here. The only regret is he never met Jo my partner, he would of adored her and she him, I think they would of got on really well and at least they would have been able to have shared a conversation in their mother tongue – Welsh.
It’s strange how the overwhelming loss of someone hits you at certain times, but saying that not one day goes by that I don’t think of him , it’s just sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming. What’s even stranger is that they make their presence felt at the most strangest times too. Whenever I wish my dad was here you can guarantee I will find a penny in the most strangest places, same when I need guidance from him , low and behold I get up and find a penny . This goes for my mum too she’s found pennies in the strangest places too .It like they are a message from him saying don’t worry I am still around looking over you Today my mum found a penny in her bathroom, just at time she needed it. . I like getting pennies from heaven they give me comfort, never stop sending them dad. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that poem about the pennies he has sent, in the mean time we will just keep putting them in the jar.
We met in the spring. You always can recall of how it was an instant connection, the thing we now know to be love. By late summer we had fallen in love. Sharing passionate kisses and lingering embraces. But never taking it further. We had to be sure that this was really something we wanted to pursue. You were 21 and I was 42, but yet the years in between melted away. You had never experienced real love, these feelings were so new to you and I was well still healing from her and then came that evening in early autumn…
Do remember I came round to see you
I think we were both aware what was about to take place that evening
It had been building for weeks, but now with minds free, mind set
We were ready to take to another level
I remember how beautiful you looked in that floral dress
And how nervous you were
You were trembling like the leaves blowing in the autumn winds
On the trees outside your window
I remember how inviting your lips were as you nervously spoke
I remember I pressed my finger to your lips and told you shh
And then I kissed you and you kissed me back
And how I began to unbutton your dress
And how you undid my belt
I remember taking off that floral dress
It was like the unveiling of statue of a Goddess
You were beautiful
My Venus
Then both together there alone equal in our nakedness
Jo my partner andI were listening to this track last night. I hadn’t listen to this in a very long time and I had forgotten how beautiful the words are it’s like spoken word poetry. Anyway I thought I share see what you think.
THE LYRICS
What I want
Mornings to the winter and afternoons to the summer
What I want
Is for you to be waiting round the other side of every door
What I want
To walk through the wardrobe of other bodies we have known
What I want
Is fifteen minutes of you
What I want
A lover who loves me when others have loved me not
What I want
Is a big love, two spoons in a drawer, the master plan
What I want
A lover who can love me slowly
What I want
To make your heartbeat faster
What I want
Is a room with a three-bar fire, like the one you had before,
When you were poor and i just liked you more
What I want
To be in the park in the morning, the
Long shadows on the grass and the swans still asleep
What I want
Is to love you everywhere and everyhow
What I want
To kiss you until our lips are numb
What I want
Kiss you ’til everywhere hurts
What I want
Is to hear the rain against the window again
Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.
The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .
I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.
I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies
But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x
This is a very old poem I’ve had since I was about 22 , so it’s twenty five years old. I wrote for my mum who was at the time very seriously ill with cancer and was about to have an operation that we did not know at the time whether she would survive it. We were told by the doctors to say our goodbyes, the night before the operation I gave her this poem. Thankfully she is still with me and today she still treasures the poem I gave her..
You taught me right from wrong
You sheltered me from everything of harm
You moulded me into someone who stood tall
Someone who is strong
You guided me from danger, you told me to
Always walk away and remain calm
You taught how to read and write
To know the comfort of books
You showed me how to be kind and to always believe in humanity
And when the night was scary, you’d comfort me
And tell me everything would be alright
You never tried to be different, you never believed in vanity
You always gave so much of yourself, even
When times were hard and there was no one around for you
You always had a hankie ready to wipe away all my tears
And when I needed things and money was scarce
You’d sacrifice yourself for me and even
Walked around with cardboard in your shoe!
And now I am grown and time has passed into years
I need to tell you how thankful I am for all you have done
And how I grateful I am for having you as my mum
I may not have shown it with gifts or kisses
I’ve expressed it in ways that are invisible
To the naked eye and are only meant for you
So for everything we’ve been through
I just want you to know how much I really do love you.
