May contain Rants

My Angel needs love

30/09/2013 FinLeave a comment

Sometimes my angel needs to rest her wings

It’s can be tiring taking

Care of everyone else but herself

Sometimes she just needs the security within my arms

To feel the love surround her, shield her

On those days that are bad

When she is reminded of past memories

That suddenly just appear

To understand and have no fear

That I am always here

To bestow a thousand kisses

To know that I will be there to rock her to sleep

And dry her tears as she weeps

and neatly put away her wings

Tonight I write about my father.

28/09/201317/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

Now normally at this of the day I’ve either written, or am about to write or have the formation of a poem in my head but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about my father. Those of you have followed this blog since it started in December will be aware that in the early part of my life , well will know that my father and I, we didn’t have the best of relationships due to his alcoholism. It was only until I was 22 that he finally admitted he had a problem and got help for his illness, (because it is an illness) did we have a really close relationship, although despite his illness, from being a small child I had always worshiped (the sober him ). But today I just really really miss him.

He passed away 9 years ago to a rare illness called Guillain–Barré syndrome (GBS) that effects only about one person in 100,000 every year. It is an awful illness , he developed shortly after having cancer surgery, on the day he was due to be discharged from hospital ,we sat and watch a physically strong man even though he had suffered cancer succumb to this disease, paralysed him from the neck down .He deteriorated over a period of eight weeks until his body could take no more as he developed secondary cancer and I had to make that decision no ever should have to take and that was turn his life support system off, we held his hand and watched him pass to I believe a better place.

During those eight weeks we use to sit with him for hours, held his hands and I would hum The Beatles songs to him (his favorite was Blackbird) or we’d read to him, or we put the CD player on and let him listen to the Goon shows and Spike Milligan ( he was a huge fan). It calmed him down because he used to get distressed being on a ventilator, during those eight weeks we became incredible close.

His loss has never left us nor will it ever, as I am sure anyone reading this who have lost a love one will understand. We talk about him all the time because it keeps him here. The only regret is he never met Jo my partner, he would of adored her and she him, I think they would of got on really well and at least they would have been able to have shared a conversation in their mother tongue – Welsh.

It’s strange how the overwhelming loss of someone hits you at certain times, but saying that not one day goes by that I don’t think of him , it’s just sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming. What’s even stranger is that they make their presence felt at the most strangest times too. Whenever I wish my dad was here you can guarantee I will find a penny in the most strangest places, same when I need guidance from him , low and behold I get up and find a penny . This goes for my mum too she’s found pennies in the strangest places too .It like they are a message from him saying don’t worry I am still around looking over you Today my mum found a penny in her bathroom, just at time she needed it. . I like getting pennies from heaven they give me comfort, never stop sending them dad. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that poem about the pennies he has sent, in the mean time we will just keep putting them in the jar.

May contain Rants

Always,Then and Now

27/09/201317/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

Always

She’s beautiful, and yet she’s sees beauty in me I never even knew existed

She saw a future for the two of us, long before I could see

She gave me space and time

She remain strong, steadfast

She didn’t give up

She offered me truth, love and trust

Then

I learned to see myself through her eyes

I opened my mind to the possibilities of a future I could at last see, could at last feel

I needed the confinements of her arms

I stopped running, turned round to where she stood and saw beneath her beauty

I knew then what she offered me was real

I realised only she could show me the meaning of what truth, love and trust was

Now

We both see the beauty in everything we have

We now wear rings that plan for a commitment in the future

We both share a space in each other hearts, place that no one else can own

We both walk down the same road side by side

We both know that we offer each other a lifetime of truth, love and trust

May contain Rants

On nights like this…

26/09/2013 FinLeave a comment

On nights

When neither of us is ready to sleep

We’ll lie face to face

And lose ourselves in conversation

Our fingertips

Will gentle dance over each other’s skin

And as we’d touched

We’d leave finger prints of passion

And the intensity would resonate

Throughout our frames until we would become

Entwined with an invisible thread of love

We would become one

And as we’d inhale each other’s breath

With the kisses we’d share

The night would disappear in time

And the dawn would break

And we would then realise we never did sleep

Tonight has a feeling

That it is one of those nights

May contain Rants

That Autumn evening

24/09/201330/04/2017 Fin2 Comments

We met in the spring. You always can recall of how it was an instant connection, the thing we now know to be love. By late summer we had fallen in love. Sharing passionate kisses and lingering embraces. But never taking it further. We had to be sure that this was really something we wanted to pursue. You were 21 and I was 42, but yet the years in between melted away. You had never experienced real love, these feelings were so new to you and I was well still healing from her and then came that evening in early autumn…

Do remember I came round to see you

I think we were both aware what was about to take place that evening

It had been building for weeks, but now with minds free, mind set

We were ready to take to another level

I remember how beautiful you looked in that floral dress

And how nervous you were

You were trembling like the leaves blowing in the autumn winds

On the trees outside your window

I remember how inviting your lips were as you nervously spoke

I remember I pressed my finger to your lips and told you shh

And then I kissed you and you kissed me back

And how I began to unbutton your dress

And how you undid my belt

I remember taking off that floral dress

It was like the unveiling of statue of a Goddess

You were beautiful

My Venus

Then both together there alone equal in our nakedness

We laid together

God we were so nervous

And then it began with the sharing of kisses

And touching of faces, mouth, neck and breasts

We became relaxed

Emotions let free

Months of anticipation gone

That first connection

Was one of peaceful intimacy

Slowly, we explored each other

Pleasure should never be rushed

And slowly the intensity began to build

Until the moment of pure euphoria

Erupted between our thighs

Remember how we laid there after

Just staring into each other eyes

With still lingering fingers you traced my face

As I did yours

I remember when the evening was over

I watched you putting back on your floral dress

Knowing that life would never be quite the same

For you and I

May contain Rants

Sex appeal!

23/09/201322/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

I remember our first date

Walking home with you

And your fingers found the spaces between mine

They locked, shut tight

As if you had caught me and

I knew there and then it was for keeps.

We stopped and lingered at your door

You said you wanted me, right there and then

I told you don’t! I didn’t put it out on first dates

I told you I wanted to get to know you just a little bit more

In fact it was 6 months and 3 days until I finally lay with you!

You told me I oozed sex appeal

I laughed nervously, a knee jerk reaction

No one had ever said that to me before

Say it again I asked you, so to make sure I wasn’t thinking it out loud

Because that how I felt about you too

But it was true you had said it and I replied but why what is that you see

That evades my vision.

I think went onto protest a little too much,

I am straight up and down, but you have the most wonderful breasts I exclaimed

(I had notice them once or twice during our night).

I have a crooked nose I inherited off my grandfather

How can you possibly say I ooze sex appeal?

When you stand there looking like a Goddess

You are beautiful!

Whilst I stand here like some prepubescent teenage boy

(with an image of your breast ingrained in my brain)

You ooze confidence you said

It leaves a trail of scent like perfume

You wear your sexuality like a coat; fasten with the buttons of experience

Your quirky, different, I love the way your mind thinks and how you speak

How you held your coffee cup tonight, need I go on? you said

You asked if would I kiss you or is that not permitted on first dates too

I didn’t need asking twice

And five years on, engaged here we are still very much in love

Infact the love has grown stronger over the years

And you still say I ooze sex appeal

You still love /want my straight up and down

You still enwrap in yourself in me

You still kiss my crooked nose when you awake in the mornings

and when you go to sleep at night

And me well I love every inch of you from your brain down to your toes

But secretly I will always worship your breasts

May contain Rants

Impromtu blog My Sex by Elastica

23/09/201323/09/2013 FinLeave a comment

Jo my partner and I were listening to this track last night. I hadn’t listen to this in a very long time and I had forgotten how beautiful the words are it’s like spoken word poetry. Anyway I thought I share see what you think.

THE LYRICS

What I want
Mornings to the winter and afternoons to the summer

What I want
Is for you to be waiting round the other side of every door

What I want
To walk through the wardrobe of other bodies we have known

What I want
Is fifteen minutes of you

What I want
A lover who loves me when others have loved me not

What I want
Is a big love, two spoons in a drawer, the master plan

What I want
A lover who can love me slowly

What I want
To make your heartbeat faster

What I want
Is a room with a three-bar fire, like the one you had before,
When you were poor and i just liked you more

What I want
To be in the park in the morning, the
Long shadows on the grass and the swans still asleep

What I want
Is to love you everywhere and everyhow

What I want
To kiss you until our lips are numb

What I want
Kiss you ’til everywhere hurts

What I want
Is to hear the rain against the window again

May contain Rants

A moment in the moonlight

23/09/2013 Fin4 Comments

As the sun sets

You take my hand

As we go beach walking on the sand

On a familiar path

To our Bay

There’s a garland of stars out tonight

As the moon reflects on the water

Like a mirror ball it illuminates the sea

We rest a while

And

With our hands now in my pockets

Your fingers become entwined

With mine

We keep each other warm

And only the sound the sea makes surrounds us

You’re quiet

You’re thinking

Happy thoughts

I think?

With your head now perched on my shoulder

You kiss my cheek and say “ Thank you”

I reply what for “ For today? ”

“No for everything” you say

“For being you”

“For being there”

“For making me laugh”

“For your constant words of love”

“For your openness and honesty”

“For your patience”

List goes on

I turn to you

I tell you “I would have none of those things if it wasn’t for you”

Still we stand with hands remaining in my pockets

You kiss me again this time harder and as you do

Your tongue caress mine

As the sea caress the shore

May contain Rants

A simple poem for a beautiful life

21/09/2013 Fin5 Comments

Watching you wake

Sharing long kisses

And sweet embraces

Hours of wonderful conversations

Comfortable silences

Smiling

Laughter

Enjoying everything from

Mundane chores

To strolls in the park

Beach walking

As we walk hand in hand

Surprise photo text messages whilst I’m at work

With the words “I love you”

Sitting at cafe’s

People watching

Just knowing what you’re thinking

Snuggled on the sofa watching TV in the evening

Dancing at 3 in the morning

Listening to you as you read out loud

Bath times

Bedtimes

Holding you so tight next to me in the middle of the night

Making love with you

Being present as you fall asleep

A simple life

A beautiful life

Is what we have

May contain Rants

Smile

18/09/201318/09/2013 FinLeave a comment

Thoughts that blackened my mind

Scurry back to the darkness of their lair

And I am left with a feeling of silence and inner peace

That rejoices and my heart trips as it dances with delight

Positivity projects an image of

Our future

Our life

Our love

Connected

A beautiful collision of mind, body and soul

That’s what we are

And

Have always been

And

This makes me smile

A ray of the sun’s hopes reverberates onto on my shoes

I pass my hand through the beam catching its warmth as it does

The heat seeps through my skin and turns it from grey to pink again

And the positivity begins to trickle through my veins

No longer numb

Thawed

Full of Hope

And

I smile again

I have turned that corner

I have avoided the abyss once again

Slayed my demons one by one

I am well again

And I know that whatever happens from now on in

I will always have reason’s to smile

May contain Rants

Know this

17/09/201318/09/2013 FinLeave a comment

Do not try and have preconceived ideas of what makes

Me who or what I am

Don’t try and categorize, generalize or rationalize me

Do not dare to ridicule, bully, insight hate towards me

Don’ try and justify your views of me

Know this

I a human

I am a woman

I am someone’s daughter

Someone’s lover

Someone’s friend

I am not a static

Do not judge me

Or neatly try and tidy me away in a box

To be stacked on a shelf

Do not put your labels on me

I have no room along side

The five badges that I proudly wear

They read

Lesbian

Jew

Carer

Bipolar

Dyslexic

But to name a few

These are worn not to define me

But to represent a life lived

who I became

Not what I am

Know this

I a human

I am a woman

I am someone’s daughter

Someone’s lover

Someone’s friend

I am not a static

I am the same as you

I have a name

It’s June

But you may call me Finn

May contain Rants

True colours

16/09/201316/09/2013 Fin2 Comments

I take off my rose coloured tinted glasses

And observe the world around me

Through my bipolar eyes,

High on the chemicals

That makes me see with such clarity

The true colours

Of people whose spectrum’s do not illuminate as much

In the opaqueness that temporarily surrounds me

I pick through their transparency

Until all that is visible is the grey faint outlines underneath

Of those whose colours are truly so superficial

And insignificant, could easily be erased

I was deceived in my perception of their true colours

They out shone colours of those whose faded aura’s

Quietly glow in the background

With their hue of light blue light

They evoked an understanding

That encourages me to their light

Colours I did not know radiated so much such

These are the colours that I turn to

They guide my way and

keep me from the dark

Then there are those whose colours never alter

Solid,

Bold

One who glistens like the diamond that she is

Then there is she

Her colours are the truest colours

Of red, green and blue

And Blended together

We create rainbows

In a world that would otherwise be grey

May contain Rants

Without you

13/09/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

There were words I could not write (without you)

But now my words flow freely (because I found you)

I had a language I could not speak (until you were here to listen)

Now I have found my voice (I serenade you with the songs of love)

I had so many memories I could not have shared (if you were not here to dry my tears)

But with you I have memories I will cherish (until my time on this earths is done)

There would be too many demons for me to slay (if I didn’t have you by my side)

You are my angel (in the solace of you I feel safe)

So many years of wasted love (if I didn’t have you to share it with)

A love I didn’t feel I deserved (until you bestowed your love on to me)

I spent years running away always running (from her)

Now I find myself running towards you always (into your sweet embrace)

Time I have wasted collecting the bricks to build my walls higher (to keep my heart safe)

Until you came along, to breakdown my walls ( because you cared enough make them fall)

May contain Rants

Words that needed to be written

11/09/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

There are words that needed to be written

Words that will help me in my recovery

Because you have occupied a corner of mind for too long

Words I’ve started to write

Words I thrown away because of the shame

I think of all years I spent hiding me

And protecting you

But not now

So I sit with a blank page ready to write

With the years of hidden anger and rage

My woman has been the only one

until now who knew of this secret

That I carry locked away in my head

She also seen the scars, V

You know the one’s you made on my back!

I think back to younger years when I first fell in love with you

And we were in love once

Many years ago

But you showed you were the jealous kind

You never trusted me

And yet looking back

It’s me who shouldn’t have trusted you

How many times was it V?

And so the cycle of mind game commenced

You broke my independence

My will, my spirit

For what V being nice and talking to other women V?

Then you became bored with the games

Your anger would get out of control

The odd slap once or twice

The bites, the punches

The bruising ,V

So much hidden hurt

You forced on me

Is it bringing back to you?

Well It’s never left me V

And the saddest thing is I would have given you

Everything

But it was never enough

And so many many times I ran from you

For only you to sweet talk me back

You promised me you’d change

But you stayed the same

And I carried on being the fool

And all the time it was like my life’s history repeating itself

There are so many things I could say but I can’t repeat

So many things that you did V

But now I want my conscience cleared of you

I want my mind set free

It took me 3 years to heal the scars

3 years without the touch of another

Because you’d knocked the trust out of me

But I was lucky because I found someone who is the total

Opposite to you

She knows the true meaning of love

She holds me with a gentle touch

That you wouldn’t understand

Her kisses have healed your scars

Her hands clasp round my waist with warmth

All your hands ever did was clasp me round my throat

So these words needed to be written

Because many years ago I told you there was no longer place for you in my bed

So now I’m telling you because I’m stronger than when you left

That there’s no longer a place for you in my head

May contain Rants

The degrees of passion

10/09/201310/09/2013 FinLeave a comment

Initiation

It’s late and the world has closed its eyes

But we’re wide awake

Knowing that sleep is far from our minds

I sit watching you

As you undress beside me

You’re holding your hair

With your back towards me

You say “unclasp me”

Your lingerie now tossed to the floor

Invitation

The nakedness of your skin

Its softness

Its smoothness

and it’s aroma

Is too hard to resist

I need no invitation

and so I begin bestowing intimate kisses

Exploration

You turn to face me

Your body straddled over mine

There is a longing in those

Blue eyes of yours

We linger

Gaze fixed

Lips locked

And then the tease of your tongue

Is an open invitation to explore deep

into hidden depths

Consummation

And the ritual begins

The weight of your body

Of skin upon skin

We move in synchronised movement

Then that intimate touch

As fingers and hands wander

A slow gentle exploration of bodies

And we tremble with what is to come

A hunger that needs to be fed

Pulses throb

Heartbeats race as

The warmth of our closeness

Pupils Dilated

The teasing of tongues

flicker

between thighs

Our souls are awoken

Reunited once again

And our bodies explode

With the passion we have created

May contain Rants

For J…

09/09/201330/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

She who captured my heart

This woman who alone invades every corner of my being

She is my soul mate, my lover, my confidant, my muse

She is my guardian angel

Her love is constant and unbreakable

Her touch is calmness in itself

Her kisses are bound in truth

She possess a strength of heart and soul so pure

Her wisdom is older than her years

She alone will save me from the dark abyss

I know because she saved me once before

I was lost and distant from this world

Isolated within my empty shell

But she saw something in me that first time we met

Something in me, she’s says she will never forget

Something she nurtured, cared for , brought back to life

She said it was love.

She was right and my love burst right out of my chest

I began bestowing it on her, on life and on myself

The day I realised what she meant

So when there are no more shadows to hide behind

And I am looking down that dark chasm

These are reasons I know she’ll be there to save me once again

May contain Rants

With eyes wide open

09/09/201318/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

Today is not going to be a good day

The heaviness of my head

And the pain in my joints as I wake

From my pill induced slumber tell me this

My eyes would not open on their own accord

This morning

Like rusted old shutters they would not budge

I had to prise them open them with what little

Strength I had left

Maybe I should blame it on the tears I’ve shed

For corroding them shut!

Or maybe they didn’t want to face the day

Maybe they knew it wasn’t going to be good!

And as I lie here with eyes now wide open

I look back on yesterday

Because it’s preferable to concentrating on the pain

But yesterday

This is all but now a memory

But I can recall that memory

Because I know

Yesterday was GOOD!

There were glimpses of my old self

A slight respite from the insanity

But today my old self well she has abandoned me

So today I will take each hour as it comes

I will try not to dwell on the fact

That today is not going to be good

I shall hold onto the dream

That my old self she might return

and hope that I don’t have to prise

My eyes wide open tomorrow !

May contain Rants

Reason's to be cheerful

08/09/2013 Leave a comment

Deep in thought I quietly sit

Whilst the pills I’ve just swallowed

Send chemicals to my brain

That no other therapies have been able to reach

And for that brief moment

I have clarity

A sense of rational thinking

A sense of normality

So I write not poetry but

A mantra

A list

To guide me

To focus on

And more importantly to hold onto

For when even darker days arrive

And they will arrive

I know because I’ve been here so many times before

I make a list of all the things that make me happy

Things I should be really cheerful about

A list of no particular relevance, of importance or order

I begin to write surprisingly without hesitation

Beach walking, Angel Bay, the smell of the ocean,

Wales (the land of my history), of being loved and being in love,

My beautiful Jo, my mum, my family, cups of tea in bed with my girl on a

Saturday morning, nights in, nights out, walks in the park

splashes in puddles in the Spring ,

basking in the sun on long summer days

Dancing through the leaves on cold Autumn nights

Snowball fights

warming Jo’s hands in the sleeves of my jumper

in the depths of winter

the changing colour’s of the season’s

the family meal round the table on Friday night ,

having conversations so deep, so funny and sometimes quite bizarre,

laughing out loud, music, books, poetry, photography,

of chatting/ texting /talking to good friends, Tuesday lunch dates,

Really thick cut crinkled crisps, cupcakes, a Marlboro to start the day,

Road trips and pyjama days

With pen put down, I read the list back,

I fold the list over and place in my wallet behind the photo of Jo

I return to my original position quietly sitting

And in the sustained moment of absolute clarity

I realise I am lucky to have so many reasons to be cheerful about

May contain Rants

Reason’s to be cheerful

08/09/201308/09/2013 FinLeave a comment

Deep in thought I quietly sit

Whilst the pills I’ve just swallowed

Send chemicals to my brain

That no other therapies have been able to reach

And for that brief moment

I have clarity

A sense of rational thinking

A sense of normality

So I write not poetry but

A mantra

A list

To guide me

To focus on

And more importantly to hold onto

For when even darker days arrive

And they will arrive

I know because I’ve been here so many times before

I make a list of all the things that make me happy

Things I should be really cheerful about

A list of no particular relevance, of importance or order

I begin to write surprisingly without hesitation

Beach walking, Angel Bay, the smell of the ocean,

Wales (the land of my history), of being loved and being in love,

My beautiful Jo, my mum, my family, cups of tea in bed with my girl on a

Saturday morning, nights in, nights out, walks in the park

splashes in puddles in the Spring ,

basking in the sun on long summer days

Dancing through the leaves on cold Autumn nights

Snowball fights

warming Jo’s hands in the sleeves of my jumper

in the depths of winter

the changing colour’s of the season’s

the family meal round the table on Friday night ,

having conversations so deep, so funny and sometimes quite bizarre,

laughing out loud, music, books, poetry, photography,

of chatting/ texting /talking to good friends, Tuesday lunch dates,

Really thick cut crinkled crisps, cupcakes, a Marlboro to start the day,

Road trips and pyjama days

With pen put down, I read the list back,

I fold the list over and place in my wallet behind the photo of Jo

I return to my original position quietly sitting

And in the sustained moment of absolute clarity

I realise I am lucky to have so many reasons to be cheerful about

May contain Rants

If it rains today

07/09/201307/09/2013 Fin2 Comments

Today if it rains

Will you laugh at the dark clouds above my head

Will you mock them

Will you tell them they will never win

That I am not yet beaten

Will you walk with me

Jump and splash in puddles with me

So I can try and regain some joy back

Will you stand with me , with arms stretched out

And let the rain wash over us so I can feel again

And on the way home

Will you stop there in the crowded street

And kiss me

So I can feel your love over again

May contain Rants

Avoiding the dark abyss

07/09/201319/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

With a kiss you awake me from my opiatic repose

You ask how I am feeling

I tell you I’m not quite sure

You rephrase your question “how does it feel” you ask

“What the depression?” I reply

(You nod)

I tell you I feel tainted

That my brain feels corrupted

By the messed up childhood I inherited

And as I am saying it I’m thinking you won’t get it

But the look on your face isn’t a fearful one

There’s compassion in your eyes

(you’re not about to run a mile from the mad one who lies next to you)

and so I add another guilt to the thousand I already possess

for doubting you.

I tell you that I no longer mind the pain

because the pain makes me feel I am still here

I tell you pain also speaks the truth

it shows the honesty in people

They don’t know what to say so they wish you Good luck

As if I am about to embark on some great joyous adventure

when really I am running from the dark abyss

It’s because some don’t know how to handle depression

They see it as a weakness, a failure

and you tell me I am not weak , that I am the strongest person you know

And that my mum thinks of me as some kind of super hero

I regretfully answer I’m afraid my cape has been hung up

Then there’s a darkness to my voice

I am fearful Jo I say

Of the dark abyss

And of the suicidal thoughts waiting

I tell you I am now a ghost visible to a few

I feel as if I am beginning to walk between the shadows

Trying to avoid the dark abyss

Desperately searching for my way back home

I glance, I see you upset

The tears are welling in your eyes

You wrap your arms around me

I feel your love tighten round my frame

And hear your whisper in my ear “You are home, its right here”

May contain Rants

Random true thoughts ( because it's raining )

06/09/2013 2 Comments

The rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

May contain Rants

Random true thoughts ( because it’s raining )

06/09/201318/04/2017 Fin2 Comments

The rain is falling

Like my mood

And it’s heavy

It weighs me down

I so wish I could close my eyes

And hope the sunshine would breakthrough

But there’s no control over the weather (it has its own moods to deal with)

I have to be patient and let it pass (this feeling of utter despair)

So with each pill I swallow

I begin to feel these sugar coated chemicals

Cleanse the scars in my head

And with my body now numb

I will myself well (because I deserve to be well)

I barricade myself within the isolation that is myself (away from self-pitying people)

I allow only a chosen few to enter (I shy away from most ,their negativity and their bad days)

Only those who care enough to ask of my wellbeing (because they were not afraid to ask)

These are ones who I allow to witness my pain

For these are the people who are the truest (these are the people who will me well)

Who have no hidden agendas

For you see when your numb and scars are being cleansed

The clarity of really good friends shines through and

Once you’ve pick the wheat from the chaff

All you have left is a queue of ego’s (These are ones who shy away from the stigma that is my depression)

And when I’m well I will remember ALL this

But for those of you who cared enough (because you were not afraid to ask)

Thank you, thank you , thank you

May contain Rants

This week has been a warning

02/09/201326/08/2018 FinLeave a comment

[youtube=http://youtu.be/DtZp7MQE2ZM

Some of you may have read my attempts to explain my bouts of depression and anxiety, my battle with my demons from my past.

The last week or so it has become increasingly evident that this battle I ‘ve fought since that first visit to counsellor at age of eight has come to revisit me again and I don’t like it one little bit .

I am aware of what it does , the damage it can do and more importantly how it makes me act.

I have manic depression or Bipolar as some would call it . In my 47 years I have had three major nervous breakdowns , had numerous thoughts of suicide ( the last one two years ago) . Seen countless doctors , cousellors , some good , some bad I’ve tried numerous combinations of antI- depressants some work helped , some didn’t . Tried very various alternative threapies

But now I find myself in a situation where I am fully aware of what is happening, I know can’t continue to wear the the pretend smile too much longer , it hurts, I am depressed (there said it ) and I have decided with the support of my partner that I do need to take time out , to take medication again and get both physically and mentally well. So I am going to ground, taking time out from my laptop for a little while , whilst I deal with the battle ahead .I’m going to refuge in the care of my partner Jo , my mum and the comfort of books . But I’ve wanted to share a poem of how I am feeling before going offline for abit, but unfortunately the words wont come out , so instead I thought I share Andrea Gibson’s (who in my humble opinion is the greatest spoken word poet ever! ) “The Madness vase ” in which she eloquently describes depression and the effects. Enjoy x

May contain Rants

A mother's love

01/09/2013 Leave a comment

This is a very old poem I’ve had since I was about 22 , so it’s twenty five years old. I wrote for my mum who was at the time very seriously ill with cancer and was about to have an operation that we did not know at the time whether she would survive it. We were told by the doctors to say our goodbyes, the night before the operation I gave her this poem. Thankfully she is still with me and today she still treasures the poem I gave her..

You taught me right from wrong

You sheltered me from everything of harm

You moulded me into someone who stood tall

Someone who is strong

You guided me from danger, you told me to

Always walk away and remain calm

You taught how to read and write

To know the comfort of books

You showed me how to be kind and to always believe in humanity

And when the night was scary, you’d comfort me

And tell me everything would be alright

You never tried to be different, you never believed in vanity

You always gave so much of yourself, even

When times were hard and there was no one around for you

You always had a hankie ready to wipe away all my tears

And when I needed things and money was scarce

You’d sacrifice yourself for me and even

Walked around with cardboard in your shoe!

And now I am grown and time has passed into years

I need to tell you how thankful I am for all you have done

And how I grateful I am for having you as my mum

I may not have shown it with gifts or kisses

I’ve expressed it in ways that are invisible

To the naked eye and are only meant for you

So for everything we’ve been through

I just want you to know how much I really do love you.

May contain Rants

A mother’s love

01/09/201326/08/2018 FinLeave a comment

You taught me right from wrong

You sheltered me from everything of harm

You moulded me into someone who stood tall

Someone who is strong

You guided me from danger, you told me to

Always walk away and remain calm

You taught how to read and write

To know the comfort of books

You showed me how to be kind and to always believe in humanity

And when the night was scary, you’d comfort me

And tell me everything would be alright

You never tried to be different, you never believed in vanity

You always gave so much of yourself, even

When times were hard and there was no one around for you

You always had a hankie ready to wipe away all my tears

And when I needed things and money was scarce

You’d sacrifice yourself for me and even

Walked around with cardboard in your shoe!

And now I am grown and time has passed into years

I need to tell you how thankful I am for all you have done

And how I grateful I am for having you as my mum

I may not have shown it with gifts or kisses

I’ve expressed it in ways that are invisible

To the naked eye and are only meant for you

So for everything we’ve been through

I just want you to know how much I really do love you.

May contain Rants

You,me and the silence

01/09/201304/05/2017 FinLeave a comment

Alone

In the dark

I cry

No panic this time

No demons present

Just me, the silence and my tears

I hear your footsteps on the stairs

The door opens

There’s concern on your face

Silently you sit beside me

You place your arm around my shoulder

Your thumb wipes away my tears

Talk to me you said

It all comes out

The madness that has been present in my head

I tell you I try to convince myself that I am well

But really we both know I am not

The past has resurfaced in my mind

Memories, collections, and scenes

of the secrets only you know about

Are playing out in my head

I feel weak again, beaten again

And then I taste it

The taste of shame

Still present after all this time

You place a kiss on my forehead

You promise that no will ever hurt me again

And reassure me that I am not going mad

And I know you speak the truth

So we sit, you and me, in the silence and

We watch patiently as my fears begin to

evaporate into the darkness of the night.