May contain Rants

At the back of your mind

28/06/201317/06/2017 Fin6 Comments

I am the memory at the back of your mind

that comes to you when you sleep

I am the memory at the back of your mind

when your heart misses me and you weep

I am the memory at the back of your mind

that makes you smile when your senses

recall happier times

I am the memory at the back of your mind

that tells you, you are not alone

that I will still keep you safe

I am the memory at the back of your mind

that remind’s you , that although I’m not there

I will always still love you.

May contain Rants

How do you spell love

21/06/2013 Fin2 Comments

For Jo x

May contain Rants

Heartbeats…

20/06/201319/04/2017 Fin2 Comments

My arms are wrapped around you

As you lie by my side

But at all times one eye is kept open

I wait; watch you as your heartbeats become content

I watch as you drift into your world full of dreams

Where you are well

Some days when you wake

I can tell the dreams you have

The waking world is not the same

The reality sinks in

You long to be the girl who you once were

I tell you, no I try to reassure you, you will be once more

Your eyes say otherwise, you are not convinced by my words

It’s hard, it hurts and I get stressed

I get angry with people

They’re not interested in your blight

They’re too busy floating around in their delusional bubbles

Expecting us to enjoy

Watching them go ride off

On life’s fantastic journey

When all I want to do is lie by your side

Wrap my arms around you

and watch you sleep as your heartbeats become content

May contain Rants

My Wall's

19/06/2013 2 Comments

My walls were covered in graffiti

I whitewash over them too many times

I tried to hide the stains hidden underneath

Words of hate

Words of sorrow

Words of a broken heart

They are the work of my demons

They are my collage of my life

But the sun and the rain

Wore away at the cover I hid them under

Until my mural of memories were clear to see

I was defeated and broken

I stopped the charade of trying to blank them out

I tried to live with these scenes so dark, so bleak

Until I retreated into a dark corner away from the view of my demons work

Then you arrived with paints of pastel shades

To erase these memories, with paintings of flowers

and vivid images of beauty

The words became replaced with

Love,

Hope,

and faith

All the things I now have with you

May contain Rants

Thoughts of my Father

16/06/201317/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

My girlfriend said to me this morning

You’re quiet, are you ok?

I told her I was thinking about you today, Dad

I told her I was in reflective mood

That I was trying to remember the good times but

All I can remember is the bad

I told her how it made me sad.

We had good times, didn’t we?

But the demons I inherited are blocking my train of thought

I try to remember you, the man I looked up to but all I can

See is the drunk in the Don Draper suit.

I know you were good, that you were kind,

I know you were extremely funny

But today I can’t remember those times, and I so want to.

You were present my whole life, but absent for half of it

In some inebriated dream you hung on to

Whilst I tried so desperately to please you

I always craved for your love, I still do!

Did you love me Dad; I still don’t know the answer to that

Because you never did say

There are things I wished we talked about,

Things I now only say to you in dreams

My mother tells me I am like you,

In honesty this chills me to my core

I always thought I was nothing like you

Then I look in the mirror

I see I am

Yes I have flaws

I’m not perfect

I have my weakness

My demons

But most of all I have strength to over come

Whatever life throws at me

I have a kindness I instil on to others

I make people smile, well most of the time

And then I realise I am like you , just in another form

Then it hits me this morning that

I’m grateful for those things inherited from you

I’m thankful I was your only child

I’m thankful for you my complex father

That I do miss you and have always loved you (Always will)

So Happy Father’s Day

To you my dad the one time drunk in the Don Draper suit

Where ever your spirit soars

May contain Rants

Love lost and found

12/06/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

I thought I lost my one true love

She fled through my front door

Never to return

I put flyers up

They read

“Love, lost, please return it “

But nobody did

Three long years I pined

Over thought, had conversations

Inside my head

Of the why’s, the what if’s

Then you appeared

One sunny morning in May

To tend my mother’s wounds

The days, the weeks, the months went by

Each time you’d greet me with a smile

A look of attraction was clear to see in your eyes

I look back on that time, it seems so long ago

I’ve grown so much; you pulled me out of the darkest place

A place I thought love would never grace

Yet now I realise my one true had not left

She had not arrived

Because I realise I was waiting for you

May contain Rants

Your Story

11/06/201315/04/2016 Fin2 Comments

I remember the day you opened up to me

The day you relived your story

I remember how the tears streamed down your face

Your body language changed

You told me you had suffered from an eating disorder

How you mind distorted

The image reflection of you

How you used to hide

Locked away in the bathroom

Away from prying eyes

Alone with your morbid distain

You learned to purge and expel

With fingers down your throat

All you consumed expelled

Of how desperate you became

How daring you became you performed

This act in public and how still no one was aware

How you became a mistress of its deceit

Until one day your mind, your body completely broke

You were forced to look your demons in the eye

Kept under lock and key, your every move monitored

You were allowed no privacy

You told me how of the months you spent in therapy

How they healed your mind and body

How this was the reason you became a nurse

Of how it scars still haunt you

Of how you still live with years of self-abuse

Of the damage it caused to your heart

I sat and listened to the pain in your voice

There were tears streaming down my cheeks

The day you opened up to me

The day you relived your story

I remember how I held you,tried to kiss away your pain

I told you sshh babe, it’s ok , let the pain all out

I held you until you were all cried out

Now the years have past since you retold your story

Now not one day goes by

I never forget to remind you how beautiful you are

both on the inside and out

May contain Rants

Will you take care of your heart

10/06/201319/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

I refrain from telling you

I’m constantly biting my lip

at the reckless chances you keep taking

It alarms me , it worries me

the lack of respect you give to your heart

you tell me stop fussing, your ok

but both know really your not

You tell me you’re only young once, life is for living

I tell you, I know but

I’d actually like the chance to live that life with you

I want to grow old with you at my side

You know I’m scared to death of losing you

I nearly lost you once

we may not get a second chance

I don’t want to visit you at your graveside

but then I refrain

God you drive me insane sometimes

but then again I still can’t help caring for you

May contain Rants

Choices

10/06/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

Decisions that we make

and the routes we elect to take

Choices are sometimes taken out of our hands

causing hardship we have to overcome and withstand

People we choose to love and then leave

the loss of a loved one can take us on a path of sadness

when we grieve

Roads we’re forced down

when the mind fails causing us to breakdown

Choices have to be taken in order to achieve the peace of mind

we all strife hard to find

So the roads, the routes we take

create the lifestyle we choose to make

So ensure the journey you’re on is

really the one you want to take.

May contain Rants

In the darkness that surrounds us

09/06/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

The darkness surrounds us

We arrive home

A night of anticipation

Greets us as

We close the door

I go outside to sit on the balcony

I was about to have a cigarette

But then I realise I don’t need one

I’m already intoxicated by you

I’m waiting for you to join me

You’re pouring the drinks

The lanterns on balcony are lit

You come and sit

You straddle me

You’re now sat facing me

There passion in our eyes

Let’s take this inside

The night has just begun

I unzip your dress

It falls to the floor

You begin to kiss the back of my neck

Whilst your tease the buttons open on my shirt

Your hands begin wander

Belt undone

You begin to undress me

As I caress you

Our shoes kicked off

Music is on low

We dance real slowly

From room to room

Until we reach the bedroom

The rest of our clothes are now strewn across the floor

We begin to explore

In the darkness that surrounds us

May contain Rants

The visit

08/06/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

Today it’s me who has the nervous twitch

My mood has taken a turn for the worse

You try and make me smile by dancing round the bedroom floor

But I can’t shift this feeling inside

It’s the thought of the visit from your mother

It’s knowing right now she is driving over on the M56

To darken this beautiful day with overcast clouds of doom

We both know the scenario of the day ahead

She’ll be overbearing like she usually is

She’ll have that distained look upon her face that wishes me dead

She has ways of telling me I’m too old for you, that

I don’t have the prospects that she wants for you

I know she thinks I’ll never be good enough for you

I’ve tried to learn to love her, after all she part created you

But she doesn’t really want to know

We tolerate each other for the sake of you

We both know she hates your choices in life

That you turned you’re back on your rich life style

That she has difficulty in accepting your sexuality

She’ll hate the fact she can’t break us, no matter how hard she tries

But what she forgets is together we’re strong

That the love we share is an unconditional bond

She makes comments whether there needed or not

She’ll come with a hidden agenda

But I’m hoping she won’t try and upset you like she usually does

So I wish for the hours to quickly roll on by

So we can say “Don’t come back soon and goodbye.”

Then when it’s dark and she has gone promise me

We can be both dance round the bedroom floor

May contain Rants

We will get you through this

07/06/201318/04/2017 Fin2 Comments

We sit waiting

Silent

No words

Just waiting

Your foot taps on the floor

It always taps when you’re nervous

I place my hand on your knee

To calm the twitch

I turn to you, smile

You squeeze my hand so tight

but I don’t mind

you smile right back at me

I tell “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

They call your name

the tests begin

heartbeats checked

it’s not good news

too much damage

but we already knew this

your symptoms have been getting worse

I know this because your heartbeats out of rhythm to mine

when I make love to you

they tell you the facts

A pacemaker is needed

but it doesn’t sink in

so I butt in “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

The choice has been made

we’re sat in the car

silently

no words

You tell me “I’m scared Finn “

then the what if questions begin

It’s a game I’m all too familiar with

I tell “You’ll be fine it’s all good

they’re going to fix you,

you’ll be in safe hands and when it over

you’ll be in mine”

I place my hand on your knee

not to stop the twitch

but to reassure you

I smile at you

you squeeze my hand so tight

but I don’t mind

you smile right back at me

I tell “You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

Darkness falls

I’m listening to your heartbeats

as I write

of how I would in a second

take

Your pain,

Your fear

You turn to face me

You watch me write for a while

then you tell me

You want me

I stop

with pen put down

I turned off the lights

I lean over to kiss you

you kiss me back harder

I place my hand on your knee

not to stop the twitch

but because you ask me

you hold my hand as you guide me

You so want to forget the day that been

But tomorrow I will tell you again

“You’ll be ok we will get you through this”

May contain Rants

Would you ?

04/06/201302/11/2013 Fin4 Comments

It’s late but

I’m wide awake lying here

With memories of our weekend still fresh in my head

And with still the touch of you

Lingering on my skin

Your on my mind

Then random thoughts appear in my brain

I’m replaying a conversation

I so want to have with you

If I asked you to marry me

Would you say yes

But is it too soon

I know we said we were taking it slow

I’m thinking longish engagement

What do think?

I want to recite my vows to you

Let’s face it, were half way there

Sickness and health I think we’ve already covered

Oh and the forsaking to all others

Oh the richer and for poorer

well you know I’d live in a hovel as long you were by my side

There’s only til death do us part

And you know I want to spend the rest of my life with you

But I want to make to official

I want the certificate to say

My heart belongs to only you

I want the t-shirt with the lettering WIFE

Emblazed on it

And an arrow pointing to you!

I want to share your last name

Always wanted a double barrelled name

I want to wear matching bands of platinum gold

With an inscription of our love

We can read when were old

I want church bells, sky writing and choirs

I want to celebrate my love for you

I want them to play “our song”

When I dance you around the floor

So if I ask you to marry me would you

Say yes?

May contain Rants

My words are meaningless without you

03/06/201302/11/2013 Fin2 Comments

my words always come from my deepest places

my soul and my heart

random thoughts poured out upon the page

they are confessions of darker, loner times

they are the words of love I’ve shared with you

but really they have no meaning without you

they are just words of meaningless random

but you complete my words

you are my every capital letter

my commas, my colons, my full stops

my explanation marks, the ellipsis

my quotation marks

my open and closed brackets

but never my question marks

but most of all you are the kiss

at end of my words I only share with you

May contain Rants

The night is ours alone

03/06/201330/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

(For Jo x )

The night

You, me

Sunset, sunrises

and all the hours

in between belong to only us

We are alone

expect for the company

of unconditional love