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Your Beautiful Hands

hands covWhenever I think of you

I think of your hands

I remember how you nursed my mother back to health

With your caring touch

I remember on our first date you placed your hand on my knee

I recall how you asked me to hold your hand

As we walk back to your home

I remember how you changed the position

Your fingers became entwined with mine

How you still hold out your hand for me to hold every time we’re out

I love how your hands feel on my neck as you kiss me

I love how your thumb brushes over my lips when you’ve kissed them

I love the way your hands feel on my waist and  when you hug me

I love how your fingers take a slow stroll across my body

How they tease and caress me

The sensuality in your fingers generate such ecstasy

I remember the softness of the palms of your hands

As I held them when you were in hospital

How I check the length of your life line

As to reassure me that your life was long

That you weren’t going to leave me

How you squeezed my hand back when you awoke

I’ll never forget that one single squeeze of hope

I dream of the day when this land decides to make up its mind

How you and I  will stand face to face

Hand in hand

And how I will place my ring on your finger

The one that’s vein leads straight to your heart

So whenever I think of you

I

Always

Think

Of

Your

Beautiful

Hands

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

A phone call away

phoneAlone in bed I sit writing about you (Always about you )

My phone rings it’s you

You ask me “Are you writing?”

I reply “I am, are you reading, what chapter you on?

You give me a brief summary of what you’ve read

I can hear the excitement in your voice, I smile

You ask me “What you smiling about? “

I ask you “How do you do that?

How do you know my facial expression from a phone call?”

“I just do” you say

Then the conversation continues

“The sky is dark tonight “ you say

We sit /lie apart looking at the night sky

You’re not with me; you’re alone in your bed

But you’re looking at the same night sky as me

We’re barely 3 miles apart

But you feel so very close

I wish I could reach down the phone and look into your eyes so blue

Instead of the dark night andI wish I could tell how much I love you

“You say it’s cold tonight “and I agree

I say “There’s definitely a chill in the air

I wish I could reach down the phone and hold you and keep you warm

Instead of the cold freezing my skin and I wish I could tell you how much I miss you

“You say there is stillness tonight”

I say “I know it doesn’t feel right”

I wish I could reach down the phone and touch you

Instead I sit here still and I wish I could tell you how much I WANT you tonight

You say “It’s getting late ” and you know how early I have to be awake

I say “I know, I’m just finish this verse and then I’m going to sleep”

You reply “I’m finishing off this chapter and I’ll call it a night”

We finish off in unison “Sweet dreams babe, goodnight.”/

“Sweet dreams, night my sweet.”

We both hang up

I finish my verse

I turn off the light

I lie there alone in the dark, cold, still night,

with thoughts of nothing but you

Content knowing that’s what you’re doing too

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

What I would do

legs Before you I was lost deep within inside myself

 My name had returned on the singles list

There was a blackness that rule my head and heart

The girl I once loved, left for someone else far away,

All the relationships gone wrong before

I tried to  hide away

I try desperately to fill the void

Not knowing how to start

My mind in overdrive

I sunk to depths so deep

 Then you arrived

 My heart rejuvenated

 My mind so full of thoughts only of you

 You built me up, you counselled me                                           ,

You loved me and I began to love you (love me too)

So 5 years on and here we are

 We have had laughter, good times, stressful times,

Times we’ve parted and been lonely and miserable

But our love always shines through

Our life together now certain

You mean so much to me

That I would live my life over again

all its bad times, its black times,

I would allow myself to cavort with the demons of my past

For knowing you‘d be there

Even if it was only for

one last kiss

one last touch

one last night in your bed

one last look in your eyes

one last smile

I would do that for you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Tides

sailThere was a storm that hit our bay

That drifted you too far out to sea

Too far for me to swim and reach out for you,

So far I couldn’t rescue you (rescue us)

I stood on the beach helpless

I watched the flow of the water

carry you away

As the tears flowed down my cheeks

I was weighed down by heavy heart

heavy because it was full of sorrow

I looked out on to the horizon

you were  slowly drifting out of my sight

I thought you set sail towards new lands

I thought the tides of someone else’s ocean

had swept you to their shores

so many days you were lost at sea

I wondered if the tides would ever change their course

and return you back to me

then I saw your signal the beacon of light

the tides had granted me my wishes and guided you safely back to me

you moored yourself by my side

I  made a promise to myself ( to you) to keep you  safe

to never let you drift off back out to sea

because I will always keep your anchor secure, safe in my heart

where  it was meant to be

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Today we have a tomorrow

We talked and talked
A serious conversation
ground rules set
and then the relief
the heartache lifted
we laughed and laughed
I don’t think we’ve laughed that much
in a long while
I’ve missed your laughter , your smile,
I’ve missed you
you asked how long  could I stay
I said “I am yours for the rest of the evening ”
I was sat on the balcony having a cigarette
I was watching you in the kitchen
God  you looked so beautiful
you came to join me
you came up behind me
wrapped your arms around my waist
you perched your chin on my shoulder
you embraced me with your love
we just stood there in silence
content with feel of each others skin
God I’ve missed you, missed this
then I sensed your posture changed
you spun me round
and looked at me
there was a worried look in your eye
“We’re going okay aren’t we, me and you” you asked me
“Of course we are” I replied
I cupped your face in my hands
I kissed you
God how I missed your kisses
I clasped your hands in mine
I told you there and then today we have a tomorrow
tomorrow we have a future
a future a life together
but tonight we have love to share
and  I led you inside
come on I said “Let me show
you  how I know  we are okay “…
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
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May contain Rants

I can read you like a book.

My head is full of words

Words you told me yesterday of promises and wants

You say come round we’ll discuss it more

But really we know what would happen behind closed doors

A trail of discarded mess and we would ended up bed

Leaving me with you going around and around in my head

See you say you miss me you want to try work things out

But I read your mind; I can read you like a book

Really all your saying is you're missing is the fucks

I’m not being harsh I miss them too

We keep doing this thing with perpetual motion

We’re toying and playing with our emotions

We brush over things for momentary pleasures

Then a quick fuck turns into you staying for the night,

You move in and weeks of wonderful passion, we’re satisfied

Until one of us wakes up and thinks things through

So you take your leave or I ask you to

See I never ever thought I’d fall in love with you

So NO is answer to the question

You proposed to me the other day

We can’t just be fuck buddies me and you and I

I have too much respect for us

I know you do too!

But your words, they dont speak the truth

You’re not thinking straight cos you’re not missing the fucks

This is not you! I know deep down your heart is torn in two

I feel your pain because it's my pain too

You think you need comfort from a quick fuck

But deep deep down you know it’s more than that

It's the  fear of losing our love

That makes you say the things you do

I know because I can read you like a book.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Goodbye

uncle 2

Silently, with heart full of grief

With so much love

I will follow you on your last journey

Deep in thought I will sit quietly and pray for you

As we gather to say goodbye

I will  keep in my heart

all the times

You were there when my father was not

I remember you saying to me

“Do not be too hard on your father

that what he had was an illness, that he is a good man and

he does love you”

 as usual you were right

You had such compassion, just like my Grandfather

I will always be thankful for the shelter and the safety

You gave my mother and I when it was needed

and

times were hard

I thank you for  every holiday you gave me  

For allowing me to have some memories of a happy childhood

I thank you for your acceptance in my choices in love

You never judged, you just embraced anyone that loved me

You beamed at every exam I passed

 As proud as my father was

You always praised me for the way I care  for my mother

You told me “Your Grandfather would be so proud of you”

Those words mean more to me than anything that has ever been said to me

when you needed help

 I had to be there, to repay  you for every single thing you did for me

so tomorrow ,I your niece will silently with heart full of grief

 with so much love

will follow you on your last journey

and if you are looking over my shoulder

Always know that I  will always miss you

because you were always more than just an Uncle to me  

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

First Times

finnjuneI stand alone with my solitary shadow

with hands empty longing to touch you

with too much time I haven’t got

I spend filling it with regret and if’s and but’s

hours get lost along with me

I sit with cigarette in hand

tears slowly fall and I blame the smoke

I sit and reminiscence of so many memories of beautiful times

the time I first saw you

I’d beamed you were (are) so beautiful

the first kiss ,

I smirked (I cupped your face in my hands)

the first time we touched

I smiled ( I held you so tight I knew I should never let you go)

the first time I saw you naked

I was in awe of you (you relit feelings so deep I forgot they were there)

the first time we made love

I was aroused by you (God remember how nervous we were)

And  when we  realised our love was lost to the complications of life ( I cried)

I stood alone with my solitary shadow watching

the waves crash against the rocks and I cried a little more.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

May our lives always collide

LIFE 2You breathed life back into me

I rediscovered my inner child out with you

You filled my world with laughter and fun

You filled my heart with so much love, so much passion

Something that had been stolen and denied to me for so long

Not one day did I not enjoy sharing with you

Not one night did we not look forward to sharing ourselves

You  counselled me , opened me up , rid me of my demons

You allowed me to share secrets I held ashamed enclosed within

With you I found contentment , an inner a peace

But yet I was always running away from you

Because I never wanted you to be the one to leave ,

But always you’d run after me ,always with a kiss you reassured me

That whatever life throws at us we will never be at war you and me and

I do believe you

But know one thing no one will ever touch my soul like you do

With time , with space , we will redefined our relationship

Not again as lovers but as friends and one day not far from now

We will sit side by side on the fence leaning towards happiness

Because our lives were always meant to collide

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Water

Water_droplet_blue_bg03

People across the world have tears flowing from their eyes

Each tiny droplet lands creating puddles as they fall

Each puddle builds into streams

Constantly growing as it moves and flows

Into the rivers and across the seas they go

 

This is the life force that we need in order to survive

This colourless, odourless liquid that is clear to the naked eye

 

The mysterious fluid which separates lands

And holds the people to ransom within its hands

The course of its fluidity, so gentle and yet

So extreme, can be our saviour and then

In an instant be our destruction

 

This is the life force that we need in order to survive

This colourless, odourless liquid that is clear to the naked eye

 

Each river and ocean that holds life within its depth

Each tidal wave that sculptures the earths surfaces to dramatic effects

 

This is the life force that we need in order to survive

This colourless, odourless liquid that is clear to the naked eye

 

Water…

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Our Bed

bed aI counted today how many days it has been

since you shared our bed,

it’s sixteen

And yet I still cannot bring myself to invade your space

So I remain lying still here on my side

With back turned away from the void

Where your frame once laid

Naked, still and so beautiful

Our bed full of happy times, sensual times, contented times

Stressful times of when you were ill, which I try to forget

Our bed … our haven, our own Utopia, our paradise, our private place.

A place for late night passion and early morning chats and cups of tea

Bedtime reading and flirtatious teasing

A place we watched full moons and constellations

And the rising sun and changing seasons

A place where we begin the working day

And looked forward to weekend play

A place that now feels as lost as me

where I now lie

still here on my side

With back turned away from the void

Trying desperately not to cry

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Joie de vivre

Joie de vivreI am lacking in joie de vivre

My brain has stopped properly functioning

Since things went wrong and you left again

My brain over thinks 

It’s over worked

With thoughts of you

Play, pause, rewind,

Memories of happier times on a loop of you, me, us

I try so desperately try to recall your touch

 I so miss the feel of you, the warmth of you, the love of you

My body aches for you

Melancholy invades me again

Too many emotions are contained fighting within

I need so much sleep

I could sleep for a hundred days   

But then there is the emptiness,

But I so need empty, I so need space

I need the void to wallow in

To recovery, to gather strength

Within these walls of silence

To find my joie de vivre without you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Random Break up thoughts

he

Hear that…

Twang

The vessels in my head snap

1, 2, 3 Ping

I feel the warm blood flow

My brain is over thinking

The blood, the memories

Coat and keep my brain warm

I see kaleidoscope images of you

Then reality hits and there is darkness all around

Tears have drowned my body

It is weak,

Too weak it could not hold onto you

 or wave you goodbye

People try to speak, make conversation

I hear their voices but their sound is muffled, distorted

Their words make no sense,

They try to console; try to say life has purpose without you

Sense. What is sense?

How can two people’s lives and love so entwined

Just end!  We gave up, we stopped believing

Purpose. What is purpose?

You were my purpose

You made me, shaped me from the mess you met

You gave me reason, to breath, to wake, to love

Now I’m left with the thoughts of us

The thought when I brought

You back to life when your heart was giving in

Now here am my heart is giving in

with you not here to save it

Hear that…

Twang

The vessels in my head snap

1, 2, 3 Ping

I feel the warm blood flow

The blood, the memories

Coat and keep my brain warm

My brain has over thought

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Goodbye, I wish you well my love…

goodbyeAllow me the space, the time to grieve for you

to come to terms that our time has past

Let me focus on the present

 Let me move forward into my future without you

Allow me to hold on to the memories

of your touch 

Allow me to hold onto the memories

of  your kisses

Let me smile once in a while

whenever I think of you and I will wish you well my love

I will wish you the love that you deserve

that I so wanted to give to you

but couldn’t

I wish you happiness

 the freedom to enjoy all the love you deserve

Allow her take you away for illicit weekends in romantic cities

to places I would have loved to have taken you to but couldn’t

Allow her shower you with love

to  put you on that pedestal that you deserve to adorn

as I always did

In return I ask only this

That you think of me once in a while

and

please never take her to Angel Bay

please leave it untouched

let always remain full of  our love

and the memories of you and me.

In return I will let you go

with my blessing,

with my love

and

 I will wish you well.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Tell me

tell me

Tell me how I should feel (because I do not how I should feel)

Tell me if this pain you left me with will heal (in time I hope it will)

Tell me if this bed will ever stop feeling so lonely (without you to share it)

Tell me if that look you gave me today wasn’t full of regret (because you know it was)

Tell me I’m wrong (Your eyes could never lie to me)

Tell me you don’t still care (because I know you do)

Why else did choose to be with me today instead of her (did she know where you were?)

Tell me 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

For my uncle

We sitlp

We talk

We listen

Machines beep, flash

Exhale and inhale

We hold your hands

We stroke your face

To bring you peace

and to bring us comfort

But reality says you are not there

But clinically you are very much here

Centre of our attention (you hate fuss)

I see my mother silently reciting the Mi Sheberakh

for you

sleep long

sleep peacefully

sleep

sleep

bless you go quietly

bless you go with dignity

bless you pass surrounded by love.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Concealment

concealEmotions out of sight

To be witnessed by none

Concealed weakness

Covert sorrow

Filling my frame no gaps left exposed

Contained, tight lip

Normal

Deep breath, smile

Tears concealed

Your public waits

Off stage

Private space

Mask off

Breakdown

Tears flow

My emotion have escaped 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Betrayal

you did

The news you delivered

I can still feel the kick to my gut

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

My brain stills resonates from your deceit

I deserved more than your secrecy

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

Your words meant nothing (did they?)

Mine meant everything, (every single last word)

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

You mocked me,

YOU PITIED ME!

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

You allowed me to dream a dream

 That was only real in my poems

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

Yet I still can’t hate you

Because I loved you so much

But now I feel nothing but your betrayal

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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