May contain Rants

Cupcakes , caregiving and everything in between.

I been wanting to tell you the story of how J and got together purely  because you are getting to know her through my poems and to also explain more about me so here goes

I own my own property, nice house in south Manchester, easy access to the airport so its got easy access to motorway and Wales too. I share it with my girlfriend and my mum who I am a caregiver for.  But J also has an apartment not far from where live. We have a granny extension (although she not a granny!!) for my mum , the extension has  a purpose built bedroom and a roll in shower in her bathroom, she has every conceivable aid to help her live a happy life and the room to think she’s Penelope Pit stop whizzing around in her wheelchair.

So why do we need a flat? Some of you may ask. Well it somewhere we get to be like a proper couple without the distractions care giving causes, (trust me being disturb in the middle of the night during those  intimate moments  does happen when you’re a caregiver !!!) Also because J sometimes has work night shift’s as she is a ward manager in a large hospital , so it makes it easier if she sleeps there, so she’s not disturb in the day .It’s also somewhere to put up the outlaws when they visit.

I love being a caregiver, even though it’s the hardest job I have done, it is the most rewarding one too, I do it knowing that my mum is being looked after properly, and all without the help of strangers.  Now I have been her caregiver for the last 30 years and have solely taken on that role  12 years this year. But I never thought of myself as a caregiver until 2009, when I was force to re-enact Grey gardens albeit minus the rundown house, the filth, the numerous  raccoons. But we were forced spend time with each other for 15 months as my mum was seriously ill and was confined to bed for 15 months.  I could not move, we lived, and we ate and even had to sleep in the same room in case she needed help in the night. I rarely went out and if I did it was only to the doctors, the chemist or to do the weekly shop. I couldn’t work so I took a 15 months unpaid career break. It was pure hell, the only time I saw people was when one of my friends came to sit with my mum whilst I ran errands.

During this time I became one of those carers that didn’t take great care of themselves, I looked a mess , I aged , I lost weight , I went down from 8 and half stoned to just under 7 and at 5ft 6in that was not good. I wore jog pants and t-shirts all the time, so not me.

The only other people I saw were the nurses who had to come to treat my mum.  It was during this time I met my current girlfriend. Even now she can recall that day, apparently she says for her there was an instant attraction. I’m sorry to say I can’t remember , it was day  4 , but to be honest it was  the last thing on my mind, it had been for at least  3 years prior when my long term of 12 years partner (it was a very abusive relationship)  , she had a daughter who I virtually brought up as my own, we were engaged ,anyway she slept  with  two other women behind my back (one of them being a good friend of mine) because she couldn’t handle the fact that I wasn’t  there for her as much as I use to be because I became a full time caregiver and the dynamics of our relationship changed completely when my dad died , so we parted,she moved down south  with her daughter  and I  was single for about 3 years and so  I wasn’t ready for another relationship , I hadn’t been on any  dates with anyone, however I  spoke to a few online , one being the head fuck who I’ve mentioned in  previous blogs . There will definitely be a poem being written about that situation.

Anyways my girlfriend  J use to come every day , we never saw any other nurses after her visit  apart from at weekends, it seemed that my would be girlfriend became my mum’s personal nurse . As the treatment lasted an hour my would be girlfriend and I got to know each other very well, she use to bring us cupcakes  and we realised we had so much in common  . At this point I didn’t know whether she was a lesbian although there were slight indications I thought nah I could be that lucky. At this point I did start to make a bit more effort and tidied myself up, because I realised I was really really attracted to her, tried to fight it as she is half my age I was 43 and she was 22 at the time we met , but I couldn’t get her out of my head but I didn’t want to be disappointed if said she wasn’t a lesbian, I knew she was single though.  It just so happen one morning about 8 weeks of meeting her she called earlier than normal she wanted to talk to me about something she said you know I’m absolutely crazy about you don’t you ? Anyway we arrange to meet for a coffee on my next weekly  shopping trip and the weeks rolled in to 5 months and she asked me out as she was moving from the clinic and so we were free to date. I was so happy but also scared to death of getting hurt again butand because I couldn’t believe this beautiful young woman wanted to be with me.  She was scared too because I was her second girlfriend ever, she still hadn’t come out to her parents but she we knew we had to be together. One of my friends said the other week that she has never seen two people more in love, more compatible and need to feed off each other’s love as me and J are

At first I tried to put her off by telling all the pit falls that dating someone with Bipolar  and being a caregiver have. Of my constant moods swings and of never being able to go away on the weekend without mum, having to make arrangements for mum to have some with her when we go out and I never being able spend the night at her flat, the list is endless. Having a relationship difficult thing to do maintain when you have both these things to contend with, not many would put their life on hold to care for their partner when the bipolar kicks in , nor their partner be so understanding know that their partners parent is number one priority but she is willing to do that. Yes there are times we have had wobbles but we seem to get through and 7 years on here we are strong as ever.

She is my soul mate. I let her go briefly and she nearly died with a heart complaint , so when the time is right maybe I will marry that girl near Angel Bay, because I don’t think I will ever find another quite like her.

Anyway every love poem is about her and dedicated to her. I could write a billion poems of undying love to this woman and there would never be enough words.

One thought on “Cupcakes , caregiving and everything in between.

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