I been wanting to tell you the story of how J and got together purely because you are getting to know her through my poems and to also explain more about me so here goes
I own my own property, nice house in south Manchester, easy access to the airport so its got easy access to motorway and Wales too. I share it with my girlfriend and my mum who I am a caregiver for. But J also has an apartment not far from where live. We have a granny extension (although she not a granny!!) for my mum , the extension has a purpose built bedroom and a roll in shower in her bathroom, she has every conceivable aid to help her live a happy life and the room to think she’s Penelope Pit stop whizzing around in her wheelchair.
So why do we need a flat? Some of you may ask. Well it somewhere we get to be like a proper couple without the distractions care giving causes, (trust me being disturb in the middle of the night during those intimate moments does happen when you’re a caregiver !!!) Also because J sometimes has work night shift’s as she is a ward manager in a large hospital , so it makes it easier if she sleeps there, so she’s not disturb in the day .It’s also somewhere to put up the outlaws when they visit.
I love being a caregiver, even though it’s the hardest job I have done, it is the most rewarding one too, I do it knowing that my mum is being looked after properly, and all without the help of strangers. Now I have been her caregiver for the last 30 years and have solely taken on that role 12 years this year. But I never thought of myself as a caregiver until 2009, when I was force to re-enact Grey gardens albeit minus the rundown house, the filth, the numerous raccoons. But we were forced spend time with each other for 15 months as my mum was seriously ill and was confined to bed for 15 months. I could not move, we lived, and we ate and even had to sleep in the same room in case she needed help in the night. I rarely went out and if I did it was only to the doctors, the chemist or to do the weekly shop. I couldn’t work so I took a 15 months unpaid career break. It was pure hell, the only time I saw people was when one of my friends came to sit with my mum whilst I ran errands.
During this time I became one of those carers that didn’t take great care of themselves, I looked a mess , I aged , I lost weight , I went down from 8 and half stoned to just under 7 and at 5ft 6in that was not good. I wore jog pants and t-shirts all the time, so not me.
The only other people I saw were the nurses who had to come to treat my mum. It was during this time I met my current girlfriend. Even now she can recall that day, apparently she says for her there was an instant attraction. I’m sorry to say I can’t remember , it was day 4 , but to be honest it was the last thing on my mind, it had been for at least 3 years prior when my long term of 12 years partner (it was a very abusive relationship) , she had a daughter who I virtually brought up as my own, we were engaged ,anyway she slept with two other women behind my back (one of them being a good friend of mine) because she couldn’t handle the fact that I wasn’t there for her as much as I use to be because I became a full time caregiver and the dynamics of our relationship changed completely when my dad died , so we parted,she moved down south with her daughter and I was single for about 3 years and so I wasn’t ready for another relationship , I hadn’t been on any dates with anyone, however I spoke to a few online , one being the head fuck who I’ve mentioned in previous blogs . There will definitely be a poem being written about that situation.
Anyways my girlfriend J use to come every day , we never saw any other nurses after her visit apart from at weekends, it seemed that my would be girlfriend became my mum’s personal nurse . As the treatment lasted an hour my would be girlfriend and I got to know each other very well, she use to bring us cupcakes and we realised we had so much in common . At this point I didn’t know whether she was a lesbian although there were slight indications I thought nah I could be that lucky. At this point I did start to make a bit more effort and tidied myself up, because I realised I was really really attracted to her, tried to fight it as she is half my age I was 43 and she was 22 at the time we met , but I couldn’t get her out of my head but I didn’t want to be disappointed if said she wasn’t a lesbian, I knew she was single though. It just so happen one morning about 8 weeks of meeting her she called earlier than normal she wanted to talk to me about something she said you know I’m absolutely crazy about you don’t you ? Anyway we arrange to meet for a coffee on my next weekly shopping trip and the weeks rolled in to 5 months and she asked me out as she was moving from the clinic and so we were free to date. I was so happy but also scared to death of getting hurt again butand because I couldn’t believe this beautiful young woman wanted to be with me. She was scared too because I was her second girlfriend ever, she still hadn’t come out to her parents but she we knew we had to be together. One of my friends said the other week that she has never seen two people more in love, more compatible and need to feed off each other’s love as me and J are
At first I tried to put her off by telling all the pit falls that dating someone with Bipolar and being a caregiver have. Of my constant moods swings and of never being able to go away on the weekend without mum, having to make arrangements for mum to have some with her when we go out and I never being able spend the night at her flat, the list is endless. Having a relationship difficult thing to do maintain when you have both these things to contend with, not many would put their life on hold to care for their partner when the bipolar kicks in , nor their partner be so understanding know that their partners parent is number one priority but she is willing to do that. Yes there are times we have had wobbles but we seem to get through and 7 years on here we are strong as ever.
She is my soul mate. I let her go briefly and she nearly died with a heart complaint , so when the time is right maybe I will marry that girl near Angel Bay, because I don’t think I will ever find another quite like her.
Anyway every love poem is about her and dedicated to her. I could write a billion poems of undying love to this woman and there would never be enough words.
It fair to say I have that I’ve not had the best of weekends, this weekend. This is due to many things; some things I can’t discuss, nothing wildly exciting, I’m just not able talk about them.
The things that have pissed me off this weekend that I can discuss are
1) I have been on a really tight schedule regarding a British Sign Language course that I’m doing and I have an exam in about 4 weeks DON’T PANIC and a further one in about 8 weeks so things are a little full on at the mo. There never seems to be enough time to fit everything in with caring for my mum, counselling my mum at the mo as well as she’s waiting for the cancer results to come through. Trying to fit ’ ALONE’ time in with my girlfriend Jo oh and go to work! I suppose I could spend less time writing poems but in honesty they keep me SANE and SANE IS GOOD AT MO!!!
All week I had this looming panic about doing this piece of British Sign Language interpreting, which means writing it (most people think sign language is a direct interpretation of English it’s not .It has its own linguistics, it’s a complex language. It’s a beautiful language . I’m doing the course because I want a change in career from what I’m doing now , which something I can’t talk about ! I also believe everybody has the right to information and communication , this includes study and basic information like gay rights /support , so passing means I will just be one step from making my leap into interpreting and helping people get this information . I have been signing all my life as my mum is profoundly deaf) , then doing the piece to camera, editing and uploading and then sending to my teacher. Well parts 1 to 2 went smoothly. Parts 3 and 4 some issues, which were resolved, but part 5 well let’s just say the little beep, beep, beep is still uploading and has been since 10 o’clock this Morning!! It was supposed to be in by 2 this afternoon, well don’t think that’s going to happen. Anyway major rant, I find shouting at inanimate quiet therapeutic like LAP TOPS!!
Anyway Jo took herself off to the kitchen to bake. She knows me so well that she knows that the way to calm a ranting woman down is fill her with cupcakes!
Now full and calm. So calm that I text my teacher who replied “Oh bring it on usb stick or DVD tomorrow when you come to class. Jo pass me another cupcake. Anyway if there were any clips on YOU TUBE OF British Sign Language SWEAR WORDS I would at this point upload them to show you the actions I did towards that text message.
2) The other thing that spoilt this weekend is that I became very low; my mood took a real nose dive. I can’t give an explanation because it’s part of the thing I can’t talk about , it just happens every so often a black cloud just resides over my head for a little while, usually when I’m stressed out , which I have been . I usually know what to do and that’s to remain quiet, have space, and usually sleep and it passes fairly quickly. But because of everything going it didn’t. Thankfully my mum and Jo know I can be a moody cow and leave me to it, but are there when it goes beyond a little downer.
Anyways please to say in the scheme of sorting out the uploading problems and eating far too many cupcakes I am back to my old self again (Jo probably thinking thank fuck for that!!)
Anyway going to catch up on some blogs, and work on some poetry.
* This poem has been written after a conversation I had with a fellow blogger who I was chatting to last night who end up being attack by a fly anyway I said there was a poem in the situation. So I was asked to write a poem and anyway here it is, plus humorous picture to accompany said poem .A bit of fun on a wet horrible Thursday morn .
this is an old poem slightly tweaked , apologises for the photo , couldn’t find an original one of the head fuck (probably burnt or shredded!) So you’ll have to do with one of an ever so sightly tired 47 year old woman AKA ME!!! (I was going to use it on another poem I have in mind!)
impromptu posting . Not had much sleep, about 3 hours. These days I don’t function well without at least 8 hours .
I couldn’t sleep because today my mum has her biopsies done regarding the skin cancer. I knew my mum, wouldn’t sleep and I knew the girlfriend couldn’t sleep and she needed to because she got work today, so I went to sleep in the spare room. So now I have migraine coming on because A) lack of sleep and B) Worry..
Another reason, the main reason( because I have every faith my mum will be ok ) why I couldn’t sleep is that I was thinking of the girlfriend who is evidently prominent in my work on here. We had a small break at the beginning of the year, because the 6 months prior had been in a nutshell STRESSED , because of illness , her’s illness ,her mother recovering from illness and my mother’s illness . It seems we’re so busy tending to the sick that we forget to look after ourselves. Also due to previous serious 2 relationships and 2 which were semi serious , incidentally they all turned out to be head fucks, I am wary of lesbians ,.
J is the first woman I have met in a long time who is lets say is normal . She is an affectionate, nice, caring, smart and funny woman all the attributes I look for in a women , but added bonus she’s beautiful, ultra fem i(f your in UK she looks a lot like Lydia Bright) , background wise we have so little in common that you think how, what , when did end up together .Her family very affluent (which she doesn’t care about),they have houses all over UK and in South of France , she was privately educated and I’m old enough to be her mother. Yet we ended up together .I’m still figuring that one out. BUT WE CLICKED STRAIGHT AWAY and I don’t think anyone has opened me up more , helped me deal with demons from my past more than her and I know no one has ever made me as happy as she does, but……….
We’ve been back 4 weeks and things are really good , as I said she is my soul mate but because my mum received the cancer news 2 weeks ago J moved back in and things have been full on since. But really if we continued at this speed we will be apart again before you know. So how can I say thanks for sorting us out but can you move back into your apartment and I see you at the weekends and maybe a couple of times in the week because things are moving TOO QUICK without sounding callous. Because I know one day we (More importantly I) will do this once too often and there with be no going back .
Anyway whatever happens doesn’t change our feelings for each other , but at 47 WHY CAN’T I GET MY ACT TOGETHER.I really need to take the advice off that old couple we met the other day and just be bloody happy!!
My mum never interferes in my relationships, especially not J because she adores her but she does refer to us as the lesbian version of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, cant live with each other but cant be apart. not quiet knowing which one of us is Richard ( probably me), and can we sort things out once and for all because she’d really like to buy a hat!!
anyway get today over with and be there for mum and tonight /tomorrow chat with J.
impromptu posting the above video basically says everything I really want to say and there are bits of the video that make me laugh. Normally I’d write a poem the events but today I am unable to so because you’d think I had developed tourettes and 24 years out and open some people still leave me speechless in good and bad ways. Maybe I do the poem tomorrow , hopefully I’ll be calmer about it then . Anyway enjoy the video!
A long time ago before you were born I met my first demons
They climbed off the wallpaper that hung in my room
I knew as soon as dark arrived, I’d’ hear their whispers,
I feel them crawling upon my bed
I hold the blankets so tight over my head
To save them entering into my thoughts
My mother said it was my imagination that demons don’t come from wallpaper nor do they enter your head
She said I had nightmares,She bought a night light to protect me, she said
She was right these weren’t real demons these were just cartoon characters that came alive at night
Real demons are not scared of night lights they don’t come from imaginative thoughts they come from the darker side of you.
I thought it took strength and courage not lights to banish them away I thought I knew because demons had kept me company for years
But when I was older and I still kept the light on , checked under the bed,
in wardrobes and closets until the coast was clear they still came every night
wanting to tease
They’d crowd my chest until I couldn’t breathe, I’d fight for breath; head spinning, heart pounding , I’d reach for my special pills and then I would rest
It was like living in hell funny how though since you been by my side
These demons are no longer to be seen
I realise now it’s not night lights or pills
It’s you and your unconditional love
that keeps these demons away.
Two days ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It is not a bad cancer (if cancer could ever be described as good)!
But in the scheme of cancers that has she has previously fought, this is a better cancer to fight (we hope, we have to remain positive)
She just went to the doctors with a mole on her wrist. A tiny thing that started to grow; now the doctor has reassured her it was ok but they referred to the hospital for further tests.
But they found another one further up her arm and more serious one on the side of her head. To be honest I had forgotten about that one and I was shocked at how much it had grown and how angry it looked) at the moment they don’t know what kind of growth /tumour this is and unfortunately its near where she has had it before. The one on the wrist and arm are contained which is good news
But they now have to do biopsy on what kind of skin carcinoma, (A horrible word) because I said they don’t know, but they have wait about 2 weeks before she can have this done ,as she needs a blood count done first, but to do this she has to stop a certain medication, .So we have what seems to be along 2 weeks to wait before we get any further news.
Obviously my mum was upset, as I was. I comforted and hugged her, gave her assuring words which she couldn’t take in. But now I have be seen as remaining strong, if I show her weakness to her or if she thinks I have been told something different than her ( my mum is profoundly deaf so I have to interpret for her ) she will worry and oh boy can she worry.
There is an added sadness to this , because it is just over 12 months ago that my mum’s oncologist gave her a clean bill of health after 20 years and told her she no longer had to take the cancer meds. After I took her out for coffee, I really wanted to take her to lunch to chat about what had occurred but neither of us felt like eating.
My girlfriend J arrive home and she tried talking to her (she is a cancer nurse); she seemed to be getting through to her but then the what if questions, came. I know my mum with time she will get things sorted in her head, and come out fighting, she won’t let it beat her. So as my mum use to say to me when I was little and I was scared , twiddley thumbs up everything with be ok. She will get her head around the procedures, and the treatments. She knows the score. She has had to deal with it six times before, far worst cancers than this and she is still here.
But friends, family, people are offering to light candles, say prayers. Now this may be their way of dealing with it but I keep telling them politely please don’t, save for those who will think it will give them comfort. I get no solace, from god screwing up again. I would ask the question why my mother has been set tests all her life. She is a woman who doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. A woman who has never abused her body yet she is tested. Well if it’s for courage she passes, if it’s for strength of character she passes with distinction., but me and god fell out along time ago.
Anyway were off to Wales tomorrow spend the day with my girlfriends folks, take my mum to pay her respects to my dad ( his ashes are scattered not far.) Hopefully go beach walking with J, clear my the head for the weeks to come. If I could get mum on the beach I’d take her beach walking too.