May contain Rants

I was, You did, Were we?

a betI was naïve to the real you

I was blinded by your beauty

I was hungry for your touch

I was once so in love with you

I WAS

You did tarnish the image I had of you in the end

You did show me how ugly you became in the end

You did starve me of real affection in the end

You did give away the love you once had for me in the end

YOU DID

Were we?

Were we once?

Were we once so?

Were we once so in?

Were we once so in love?

WERE WE?

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Circles

circles

We are constantly walking in circles

Never straight lines

Never with purpose

We are constantly walking in circles

Never moving to my left

Never moving to your right

We are constantly walking in circles

We once walked in sync

But now we are so out of rhythm

We are constantly walking in circles

Fresh starts, mundane middles, heart breaking finishes

Reliving the same situations, over and over and over

We are constantly walking in circles

I want to break this sphere and straighten it out

This ecliptic that constantly over shadows

We are constantly walking in circles

I want to be able to walk forward, never looking back, never with regrets

I need to find way of walking forward with direction and purpose

Together or apart

But I am tired of constantly walking in circles

Over and

Over and

Over

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

You are

youYou are the goodnight kiss that sends me to me to my slumber

I am lucky

You are the dawn chorus that gently wakes me from my dreams

I am lucky

You are the winter sun that keeps me warm on cold cold days

I am lucky

You are the anchor of my vessel you keep me

safe when storms would drown me

I am lucky

You are the constant star that guides me home (when I am lost)

I am lucky  to have you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Thoughts of an illicit kiss

kissI asked my brain to keep all

Its thoughts

Its desires

Its despair

To itself

It did not listen

It fills me with needs and curiosities

I do not want

It teases me with thoughts of you and it shouldn’t

It plans scenarios that cannot happen,

Of times I would have I would have once died

for just one illicit kiss from you

When I’m a sleep it makes me dream

That you are teasing my skin with your touch

I longed for you once upon a time when

Things in my life were full of lies

You thought I was happy when I was not

I spent years acting

out a secret love affair,

open relationships,

playing the field

one night stands

and then fantasies of you

But now I have finally found someone who I want to be

Faithful with

Commit with

Someone I want share my life with

I can’t have my brain sharing long forgotten thoughts,

But I still can’t help thinking what that illicit kiss would have been like

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Standing back and surveying

web 1I need to stand  back and unravel myself  from this web

stand by review and survey

what  purpose it wants of me

 As all I see is that it plan is  for me to feed your ego

I need to re-hinge myself to everything that matters

to people who I  need as much as they want me

I have been reliving  loves of old

and a childhood  I’d would rather forget

but I know  that it is  part of the therapy

making me visit ‘old friends’

my baby is concerned

she says I’m troubled  

that at night  I toss and turn

I do not rest

she says her arms are not enough to contain

she cannot contain my thoughts

my baby says it needs rest

it’s wandering thoughts

are bringing me down

she is right

I do need stillness

I need to smell the cold

and taste the waves

To spend time alone with her

at our cove

To lose ourselves in moments of love

To share myself with no but her 

I just  need to return myself to the fold

Spend time with those I love

whilst  I leave you find some else to feed your ego’s

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Peace keeper

i_wear_my_heart_on_my_sleeve_by_inside_battle-d3al6whI am peace keeper, a fool

see my  heart  is it tied upon my sleeve

with a sash of blue

it is the reason I hurt so  much

always playing the fool , the joker

living life through whimsical humour

but my face it reads truth it cannot lie

I tried appeasing you so many times

but I tired

I aged , with age comes courage

a courage that I thought would  never be mine

I did away with stroking your ego,

I served my time

12 years under your lock and key

I never once asked you to put me on a pedestal 

All I asked was for you to love me as much as I once loved you

You strayed 

I was weak once

but twice I had to be done with you

Yet you still left me broken in two

You left rage and  anger so deep in me that

If you were to stand before now

I could snap you in two but

I am peacekeeper  and but no longer your  fool

See my eyes they no longer cry tears for you

See my face it reads truth it cannot lie

my eyes no longer look through eyes of love

they see and they just pity you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Cupcakes , caregiving and everything in between.

I been wanting to tell you the story of how J and got together purely  because you are getting to know her through my poems and to also explain more about me so here goes

I own my own property, nice house in south Manchester, easy access to the airport so its got easy access to motorway and Wales too. I share it with my girlfriend and my mum who I am a caregiver for.  But J also has an apartment not far from where live. We have a granny extension (although she not a granny!!) for my mum , the extension has  a purpose built bedroom and a roll in shower in her bathroom, she has every conceivable aid to help her live a happy life and the room to think she’s Penelope Pit stop whizzing around in her wheelchair.

So why do we need a flat? Some of you may ask. Well it somewhere we get to be like a proper couple without the distractions care giving causes, (trust me being disturb in the middle of the night during those  intimate moments  does happen when you’re a caregiver !!!) Also because J sometimes has work night shift’s as she is a ward manager in a large hospital , so it makes it easier if she sleeps there, so she’s not disturb in the day .It’s also somewhere to put up the outlaws when they visit.

I love being a caregiver, even though it’s the hardest job I have done, it is the most rewarding one too, I do it knowing that my mum is being looked after properly, and all without the help of strangers.  Now I have been her caregiver for the last 30 years and have solely taken on that role  12 years this year. But I never thought of myself as a caregiver until 2009, when I was force to re-enact Grey gardens albeit minus the rundown house, the filth, the numerous  raccoons. But we were forced spend time with each other for 15 months as my mum was seriously ill and was confined to bed for 15 months.  I could not move, we lived, and we ate and even had to sleep in the same room in case she needed help in the night. I rarely went out and if I did it was only to the doctors, the chemist or to do the weekly shop. I couldn’t work so I took a 15 months unpaid career break. It was pure hell, the only time I saw people was when one of my friends came to sit with my mum whilst I ran errands.

During this time I became one of those carers that didn’t take great care of themselves, I looked a mess , I aged , I lost weight , I went down from 8 and half stoned to just under 7 and at 5ft 6in that was not good. I wore jog pants and t-shirts all the time, so not me.

The only other people I saw were the nurses who had to come to treat my mum.  It was during this time I met my current girlfriend. Even now she can recall that day, apparently she says for her there was an instant attraction. I’m sorry to say I can’t remember , it was day  4 , but to be honest it was  the last thing on my mind, it had been for at least  3 years prior when my long term of 12 years partner (it was a very abusive relationship)  , she had a daughter who I virtually brought up as my own, we were engaged ,anyway she slept  with  two other women behind my back (one of them being a good friend of mine) because she couldn’t handle the fact that I wasn’t  there for her as much as I use to be because I became a full time caregiver and the dynamics of our relationship changed completely when my dad died , so we parted,she moved down south  with her daughter  and I  was single for about 3 years and so  I wasn’t ready for another relationship , I hadn’t been on any  dates with anyone, however I  spoke to a few online , one being the head fuck who I’ve mentioned in  previous blogs . There will definitely be a poem being written about that situation.

Anyways my girlfriend  J use to come every day , we never saw any other nurses after her visit  apart from at weekends, it seemed that my would be girlfriend became my mum’s personal nurse . As the treatment lasted an hour my would be girlfriend and I got to know each other very well, she use to bring us cupcakes  and we realised we had so much in common  . At this point I didn’t know whether she was a lesbian although there were slight indications I thought nah I could be that lucky. At this point I did start to make a bit more effort and tidied myself up, because I realised I was really really attracted to her, tried to fight it as she is half my age I was 43 and she was 22 at the time we met , but I couldn’t get her out of my head but I didn’t want to be disappointed if said she wasn’t a lesbian, I knew she was single though.  It just so happen one morning about 8 weeks of meeting her she called earlier than normal she wanted to talk to me about something she said you know I’m absolutely crazy about you don’t you ? Anyway we arrange to meet for a coffee on my next weekly  shopping trip and the weeks rolled in to 5 months and she asked me out as she was moving from the clinic and so we were free to date. I was so happy but also scared to death of getting hurt again butand because I couldn’t believe this beautiful young woman wanted to be with me.  She was scared too because I was her second girlfriend ever, she still hadn’t come out to her parents but she we knew we had to be together. One of my friends said the other week that she has never seen two people more in love, more compatible and need to feed off each other’s love as me and J are

At first I tried to put her off by telling all the pit falls that dating someone with Bipolar  and being a caregiver have. Of my constant moods swings and of never being able to go away on the weekend without mum, having to make arrangements for mum to have some with her when we go out and I never being able spend the night at her flat, the list is endless. Having a relationship difficult thing to do maintain when you have both these things to contend with, not many would put their life on hold to care for their partner when the bipolar kicks in , nor their partner be so understanding know that their partners parent is number one priority but she is willing to do that. Yes there are times we have had wobbles but we seem to get through and 7 years on here we are strong as ever.

She is my soul mate. I let her go briefly and she nearly died with a heart complaint , so when the time is right maybe I will marry that girl near Angel Bay, because I don’t think I will ever find another quite like her.

Anyway every love poem is about her and dedicated to her. I could write a billion poems of undying love to this woman and there would never be enough words.

May contain Rants

This is why my blog is called what it is!!

It fair to say I have that I’ve not had the best of weekends, this weekend. This is due to many things; some things I can’t discuss, nothing wildly exciting, I’m just not able talk about them.

The things that have pissed me off this weekend that I can discuss are

1) I have been on a really tight schedule regarding a British Sign Language course that I’m doing and  I have an exam in about 4 weeks DON’T PANIC and a further one in about 8 weeks so things are a little full on at the mo. There never seems to be enough time to fit everything in with caring for my mum, counselling my mum at the mo as well as she’s waiting for the cancer results to come through. Trying to fit ’ ALONE’  time in with my girlfriend Jo oh and go to work! I suppose I could spend less time writing poems but in honesty they keep me SANE and SANE IS GOOD AT MO!!!

All week I had this looming panic about doing this piece of British Sign Language interpreting, which means writing it (most people think sign language is a direct interpretation of English it’s not .It has its own linguistics, it’s a complex language. It’s a beautiful  language . I’m doing the course because I want a change in career  from what I’m doing now , which something I can’t talk about ! I also believe everybody has the right to information and communication , this includes study and basic information like gay rights /support , so passing means I will just be one step from making my leap into interpreting and helping people get this information . I have been signing all my life as my mum is profoundly deaf) , then doing the piece to camera, editing and uploading and then sending to my teacher. Well parts 1 to 2 went smoothly. Parts 3 and 4 some issues, which were resolved, but part 5 well let’s just say the little beep, beep, beep is still uploading and has been since 10 o’clock this Morning!! It was supposed to be in by 2 this afternoon, well don’t think that’s going to happen. Anyway major rant, I find shouting at inanimate quiet therapeutic like LAP TOPS!!

Anyway Jo took herself off to the kitchen to bake. She knows me so well that she knows that the way to calm a ranting woman down is fill her with cupcakes!

Now full and calm. So calm that I text my teacher who replied “Oh bring it on usb stick or DVD tomorrow when you come to class. Jo pass me another cupcake. Anyway if there were any clips on YOU TUBE OF   British Sign Language SWEAR WORDS I would at this point upload them to show you the actions I did towards that text message.

2) The other thing that spoilt this weekend is that I became very low; my mood took a real nose dive. I can’t give an explanation because it’s part of the thing I can’t talk about ,  it just happens every so often a black cloud just resides over my head  for a little while, usually when I’m stressed out , which I have been .  I usually know what to do and that’s to remain quiet, have space, and usually sleep and it passes fairly quickly. But because of everything going it didn’t. Thankfully my mum and Jo know I can be a moody cow and leave me to it, but are there when it goes beyond a little downer.

Anyways please to say in the scheme of sorting out the uploading problems and eating far too many cupcakes I am back to my old self again (Jo probably thinking thank fuck for that!!)

Anyway going to catch up on some blogs, and work on some poetry.

May contain Rants

Mood v Libido

sex

I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

You run a bath, you say it’s to relax me

But I hear you pottering about

Waiting to be asked to join me

But I don’t

Dried I climb into bed , you’re already sat

Waiting, pretending to read, book closed

You lean over to  kiss me,

I return it back but

You turn this into a  passionate kiss

Again I return it  but  that’s as far as I wanted  it to go

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

You think I’m receptive because of that kiss

Next thing you’ve change your position you’ve straddle  me

You start to caress me ,

Hands on breasts

Kisses on my neck ,

Tongue  teasing nipples and my belly too

I know where it’s heading

So I usher you back up for more kisses

You’re trying to arouse me but none of it will work

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

I feel your hand move towards the inside of my thigh

I allow you to play for a while

in the hope it sparks  life into me

I feel  you as you enter inside me,  I don’t resist

again I hope a release of endorphins

to break this spell

that has been unfortunately cast on me

cos I really do want to Fuck you , but  it isn’ t going to be tonight

I say I’m sorry next time I promise to make you my

‘Pillow Queen’

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

But your libido says otherwise

You say it’s ok , that it your fault

you thought it might help

So there we lay spooned , I can feel your breasts in my back

You kiss my back and say

“ Just  wait and see tomorrow YOU will be fine”

You add your sweet dreams like you always do

Your arm around my belly and your fingers are entwined with mine

Suppressed  tears in my eyes , I’m angry with myself

and mad at you for being so bloody understanding

but then  secretly I am glad because

See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me

and your libido thought otherwise

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Bipolar day blues

bi

 I’ve been on a real downer today

I been locked in a space my head

With very little to say

I craved addiction again today

I’ve been crying so many tears of sorrow

That my eyes sting with pain

Please let me wake up sane tomorrow

I’ve been shaking too

Constant is the tap in my foot

And there’s a kick in the pit of belly that holds

a sickness that makes me wants to throw up

My legs feel heavy, but they wobble like jelly

There’s a song in my head

Bipolar day blues

An earworm

Constant

Constant

CONSTANT

Is its noise

I want to tell it to shut the Fuck up

I been on a real downer today

I been locked in a space my head

With very little to say

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

My Angel

spoon

It’s two in the morning

I wake gasping for air and YOU

But neither are there

My heart races, I can hear the

Marching thumps as they get

Louder and louder

and nearer and nearer

my brain is full of confusion

I want to text you but

know I can’t

you’re tending to the REAL sick and needy

then I see one missed called and that 

you’ve sent me a text about

10:45, I must have fallen asleep

it reads “I h8 night shifts, cu in morn sleep well babe luv u: x “

your words begin to calm me down  

because they represent   the ‘Whole’ you,

the woman I allowed myself to fall in love with

I get overwhelmed, begin to cry

if I was younger I’d blame my emotions

 on my  hormone’s playing tricks on me

but I know better…

its 2:30 in the morning

as I’m finding solace in my computer

my phone vibrates it’s you

with your ESP senses

“Hi babe, you ok, how long have you been awake?”

Your question leaves me dumbfounded

I reply “How did you know I was awake?”

“Babe I sleep next to  you at night,

I know when your

agitated ,troubled and scared

it’s always around 2ish

but you are never aware that

when you start shaking

I just wrap my arms around you

 and cuddle you in,”

I realise that I think I’m fine

but underneath   I’m still so damaged

it’s just YOU who takes everything away

during the night

god how did I come to EVER deserve you when

all I do is  selfishly

TRY and push you a way

My

Beautiful

Beautiful

Angel in the night

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland. All rights reserved

May contain Rants

No Vacancy

vacc

Missing one funny bone

have you seen it?

It’s been missing most of the afternoon

I think someone stole it whilst I was taking a nap

They replaced with the melancholy,

I know melancholy well

It’s vacated here before

I swore I had the no vacancy sign showing

but now it has unpacked its bags

there no sign to say

how long its likely to  stay

lets hope it gone before you know it!

Missing one funny bone 

Have you seen it?

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

One of those days

closed mid

My minds been wandering to day

To places I want to escape to, but don’t

My body feels numb today

It needed to inhale nicotine

and make smoke rings

sometimes I feel safe and I like that

The familiarity, the safeness of you

but is it enough?

but sometimes I just want to

run, and run, and run

to a space where there is no similarity

to anything I hold dear

because being alone is preferable to

losing you

losing your love,

losing your touch

my minds been full of fear today

and I really, really don’t like it

Today I really needed the warmth of your touch

For you to hold me, rock me and tell me with a reassuring softness

Its ok babe, you’re just having

One of those days

One of those days

One

Of

Those

Days.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Time with you

LIFE 1

I need an adventure of sorts

I need to walk across tideless sands

To feel the remnants of sea salt soaking into my toes

I need to go hunting for creatures, in deep pools of black waters

I need to go an excavate rocks and boulders

I need to place my flag on territories to say I was there

What I really mean to say is I want to just go spend a child like day at the beach

with you

To go beach walking and paddle in the sea hand and  in hand

with you

To go catching  the crabs in the shallow pools amongst the rocks in bay

with you

To go  rummaging out shiny smooth  pebbles shaped as hearts

with you

To have sand filled  picnics at the bay

with you

To scribble  our names “Jo and June” in a huge sand heart to say  I’m in love 

with you

I want to just go spend a day at the beach

with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

When dealing with flies

The killing of fliesfly

If you don’t prepare, you end up being careless

Or you’ll find yourself in  A and E

Don’t try to outwit it with a flame throwing lighter

Cos the little buggers are fighters

You can’t out catch them cos

They’re faster than an Olympian cyclist in a velodrome

And all you’ll  do is end up is burning down your home

If they try to enter your ear

Don’t try whacking them with the TV remote

My dear

cost you’ll only end up getting yourself concussed

and causing a fuss

being wheeled into an A and E facilty

whilst the said wee beastie knows it out witted you

It flies off to find its next casualty.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

* This poem has been written after a conversation I had with a fellow blogger who I was chatting to last night who end up being attack by a fly anyway I said there was a poem in the situation. So I was asked to write a poem and anyway here it is, plus humorous picture to accompany said poem .A bit of fun on a wet horrible Thursday morn .

May contain Rants

A memorable meeting

On December 28 1979

I discovered women!

No correction

I discovered I was attracted

To a Woman,

Her name was Debbie.

I can only describe this discovery as a sublime

This was moment captured in time

From out of the dark she appeared

I must admit after that

Things became a little blurred

I was memorized by her

I was captivated by her

Her dead pan persona

Her style,

Blonde bombshell

The red lips,

Tight jeans

T-shirt ripped

I was in love at thirteen

I became a devotee

My room became a shrine

I worshipped her from afar

After all these years

She’s still divine

So the bottom line

you want to know the truth

I am still in love with her

The one and only

Miss Debbie Harry

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Dear Head F***

MEYou’ve been running around my brain again

and again

and again

STOP

let me compose myself

so I can overdose myself

on things I shouldn’t take but do

they ease the pain that is you

STOP

I wear my heart on my sleeve

but yours isn’t anywhere to be seen

you really haven’t got a fucking clue

you have no idea because all you do

is go running around my brain again,

and again

and again

STOP

you want to hook up so a message  you send

you’re  at loose end

I haven’t seen you weeks

not heard from you in days

no because  you’ve  had someone else on the go

but all of sudden you’re at loose end

you want me to come over, stroke your ego

because you know you’ve been running around my brain again

and again

and again

STOP

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

this is an old poem slightly tweaked , apologises for the photo , couldn’t find an original one of the head fuck (probably burnt or shredded!) So you’ll have to do with one of an ever so sightly tired 47 year old woman AKA ME!!! (I was going to use it on another poem I have in mind!)

May contain Rants

3 hours sleep and the ramblings of a 47 year old woman !

impromptu posting . Not had much sleep, about 3 hours. These days I don’t function well without at least 8 hours .

I couldn’t sleep because today my mum has her biopsies done regarding the skin cancer. I knew my mum, wouldn’t sleep and I knew the girlfriend couldn’t sleep and she needed  to because she got work today, so I went to sleep in the spare room. So now I have migraine coming on because A) lack of sleep and B) Worry..

Another reason, the main reason( because I have every faith my mum will be ok )  why I couldn’t sleep is that I was thinking  of the girlfriend who is evidently prominent in my work on here. We had a small break at the beginning of the year, because the 6 months prior had been in a nutshell STRESSED , because of illness , her’s illness ,her mother recovering from illness and my mother’s illness . It seems we’re so busy tending to the sick that we forget to look after ourselves. Also due to previous serious 2 relationships and 2 which were semi serious , incidentally they all turned out to be head fucks, I am wary of lesbians ,.

J is the first  woman I have met in a long time who is lets say is normal . She is an affectionate, nice, caring, smart  and funny woman all the attributes I look for in a women , but added bonus she’s beautiful, ultra fem i(f your in UK she looks a lot like Lydia Bright) , background wise we have so little in common that you  think how, what , when did end up together .Her family very affluent (which she doesn’t care about),they have houses all over UK  and in South of France , she was privately educated and I’m old enough to be her mother.  Yet we ended up together .I’m still figuring that one out. BUT WE CLICKED STRAIGHT AWAY and I don’t think anyone has opened me up more , helped me deal with demons from my past more than her  and I know no one has ever made me as happy as she does,  but……….

We’ve been back 4 weeks and things are really good , as I said she is my soul mate but because my mum received the cancer news 2 weeks ago J moved back in and things have been full on since. But really if we continued at this speed we will be apart again before you know. So how can I say thanks for sorting us out but can you move back into your apartment and I see you at the weekends and maybe a couple of times in the week  because things are moving TOO QUICK  without sounding callous. Because I know one day we (More importantly I) will do this once too often and there with be no going back .

Anyway whatever happens doesn’t change our feelings for each other , but at 47 WHY CAN’T I GET MY ACT TOGETHER.I really need to take the advice off that old couple we met the other day and just be bloody happy!!

My mum never interferes in my relationships, especially not J because she adores her but she does refer to us as the lesbian version of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, cant live with each other but  cant be apart. not quiet knowing which one of us is Richard ( probably me), and can we sort things out once and for all because she’d really like to buy a hat!!

anyway get today over with  and be there for mum and tonight /tomorrow chat with J.

No wonder I suffer from migraine’s

Finn x

May contain Rants

It’s a generational point of view

bench

Lunchtime in the park

You’ve text  me you need a break

You’ve had a busy morning of

Cancer Inauguration’s of people who are

Scared of what their future hold’s

You know through experience that only half will survive

You needed a break and a comforting arm around your shoulder

and the reassurance of a kiss upon your cheek

you receive all in the park at lunchtime

a small group of teenage girls go by

they couldn’t have been no more than fifteen years old

a small presentation of what our future holds

we’re clench in fingertips, locked in lips,

I admit we were lost in the moment for a brief second

because being gay in a very straight world we are

always,

always

planning our advances

I hear one remark with venom

“Did you see that, they were ‘gay kissing’ “

This comment makes me angry, but importantly it makes

me sad that this a sample view of our younger generation

who can differentiate between a kiss and a gay kiss,

would they differentiate between loves?

would they keep us oppressed and try force us back into closets?

it makes me disillusioned

then an old couple come join us on the bench,

they see your wearing hospital scrubs

they strike up conversation of how they lost their daughter

ten years ago to breast cancer

you can see the rawness is their eyes

they ask us if we are a couple,

reluctantly I confirm we are

their reply is simple yet beautiful

and it fills my heart with warmth and restores my faith

“Cherish each other”,

“Be there for each other”,

and “Love one another.”

we take their advice and say our goodbyes and

hand in hand we take our leave

We overhear the old woman comment to her husband

“What a nice couple they were. “, he replies “Yes dear they were.”

It makes us smile and and you squeeze my hand

as we continue to walk on hand in hand

that lunchtime in the park

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Ever had one of those days…. I have today was it!!!

impromptu posting the above video basically says everything I really want to say and there are bits of the video that make me laugh. Normally I’d write  a poem the events but today I am unable to so because you’d  think I had developed tourettes and 24 years out and open some people still leave me speechless  in good and bad ways. Maybe I do the poem tomorrow , hopefully I’ll be calmer about it then  . Anyway enjoy the video!

May contain Rants

Breaking down and Breaking up

whyThe daily routine begins before seven

How Sunday in your arms remains a distant Heaven

Patiently waiting for the day to be done

and then in your arms I can run

and even though our time has had its troubles

making things stress and taut

I always find myself back in your

presence wanting to be caught

Will be the one that saves me from this tedium

for breaking down and breaking up is all we seem to do

How I long for a happy medium

to share myself with you.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Floodgates

breaking

It’s a daily battle holding the

Floodgates closed

For then when you are not near

Only night,

The dark

The loneliness pushes them open

Salt tears burn at my skin

It stings and I like the pain

Because it makes me feel

It’s the only thing that makes me feel

The night it the only time

I am free to be me

Either with you in ecstasy

Or alone in my despondency

Free from the facet of daylight hours

You know I have troubled soul

and a troubled heart and sometimes

I have damaged thoughts too

But here you are steadfast you remain

standing  by me, my keeper of the keys

But It is a daily battle holding

The floodgates locked

I get frightened and push you away

Not because I don’t love you

I so do ,

It that I think our love

Maybe not be enough from keeping

The floodgates from opening

and I don’t want you silently drowning alone with me

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Cankles and size 7 feet!

????????????????????We rarely argue, we rarely fight

We have bond so strong so tight

But that night we fought, how we fought

It all started off so innocently

The usual pick you up from the hospital where you worked

Quick kisses on the cheek as you get into the car

With “Hi babe how was your day?”

and then, oh yes then

I made the mistake on commenting on your ankles

I wish could have eaten those words right there and then

I said”Sweetheart  look your ankles are swollen ,are you ok?”

you reply with displeasure

that if I think hard enough  still resonates in my head

“Those are my ankles! Are you implying I have cankles?”

“No I was worried because of your heart condition

and with you being on your feet all day, that’s all.”

You sarcastically reply “I”m amazed you got down as far my ankles!”

Jokingly I replied “I know I’m amazed I got past your breast too!”

A silent journey home ensues

then slamming of

car doors,

front doors,

bedroom doors,

bathroom doors,

an hour later you reappear

you still not happy, I can tell

The three of us sit down for dinner my mum, you and I

you’re laughing joking with my mum but me ,I may as well not have been there

my mum retires to her room

silently we’re in the kitchen clearing the plates

I’m washing, you’re drying.

all of a sudden you remember I’m there

You say “ I may have cankles,  but you have size seven feet! “

an all mighty war breaks out because my feet are actually size six

and I didn’t actually say you had cankles!.

later we’ve headed to bed

back to back we lay,

I say “I’m sorry , you have beautiful ankles”

I turn and so do you

we’re face to face

you kiss me on my forehead and said “It’s ok , I forgive you

but you still have size 7 feet! ”

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Saturday evening rituals

j sexSaturday nights out with you are always bliss

A few hours away from the madding restraints of our world

But my favourite time is when we come home

alone in our room

you’re taking off your make up and were cleaning teeth and

getting ready for bed

I admit sometimes in the throws passion we don’t get this far

it’s usually a trail of discarded mess and the jumping of bones!

but there is a sensualness of preparing for what’s to come

I have obligatory glance at your nakedness as you climb into bed,

the foreplay begins, neck kisses, and gentle touches of skin on skin

you take my weight

you take my rhythm

you take my kisses

you take my touches

and my teasing tongue

but most of all

you take my love

I receive yours back in return

your fingertips caress parts of me that have ached  for your touch all week

you  journey on down with your teasing tongue between my thighs

I let out a sensual sigh

and when were both satisfied, complete

bodies still entwined

face to face, my fingertips in between your locks

I can’t  resist  but I touch your cheek

I catch your mouth with my thumb

both eyes still open you kiss it back,

Smile and say “Sweet dreams babe, goodnight.”

arms wrapped in each other

you snuggle in

I reply “Sweet dreams, night my sweet.”

smile and close my eyes

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Weekend morning routine

bed

 

I was watching you sleep this morning

I couldn’t resist I had to touch your cheek

I caught your mouth with my thumb

One eye opened you kissed it back,

Smiled and said morning.

You didn’t linger, you took your pills

And then you’re up out  of bed

Under the t-shirt you’re struggling to put on

“Tea?” you ask ,I nod

Five minutes later you’re back with mugs

You scramble back into bed

You pass me mine whilst kissing

Me on the cheek

The heats gone from you

So you wrap your arms around my body,

Your feet wrapped in mine, you try to retrieve some heat

We lay there wrapped in each other chatting,

Stupid conversations ,

Wonderful conversations

It’s the same old routine just like it used to be,

Before we both got so stressed and parted for a while.

But all the time I’m thinking how lucky I am to have you

And shout out in my head

thank you, thank you,

she came back home

I look at you, you’re smiling,

looking out towards the window

I wonder if you are thinking  the same thing too.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

In your presence

bus

The reason for this to me is still unknown

Do you not have the courage to tell me goodbye?

Why?

When did this hatred of me begin

This divide between us built like a wall

Taller and wider than the one – You remember they had in Berlin

Why?

Tell me why there is such a divide

As my feelings for  you will always remain

But just recently your treatment of me has been so inhumane

Why?

But I can tell you just want to throw me to the wayside

So I keep silent and sit here in your presence feeling so alone

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

I dare …

Lesbian_Lovers

I dare to love… I choose to love

You

I dare to be free… I choose to be free

To be with you

I dare not hide…I choose not to hide

To save the face of bigots who

do not understand our love

I dare to share …I choose to share

My life with you

I dare to dream … I choose to dream

That one day you’ll wear my ring

have the all the same rights that it should bring

I dare to hope … I choose to hope

That one day very soon equality will be

for all and not a few

I dare all this because you dared to choose me

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

The Fats

Imagine if you and I could fly back to that timefates

To witness that fixed point in the universe

When “The Fates”  whispers decided our destiny lay together

I wonder if it was as profound as that moment our eyes met and we knew, we  just knew

I wonder if it was as captivating as our first kiss, the first feeling of your lips, I still have the taste of you

I wonder if it had all that same intensity as we when

first  laid naked sharing  ourselves

I still can feel your touch on my skin,

the feeling is still the same every time I lie with you

I wonder if it felt as beautiful as the passion we feel

Every second

Every minute

Every hour

Every day

I wonder

Imagine if it did, what a magical,

wondrous sight that would be to behold

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

upNight lights, pills and you

fear

A long time ago before you were born I met my first demons
They climbed off the wallpaper that hung in my room
I knew as soon as dark arrived, I’d’ hear their whispers,
I feel them crawling upon my bed
I hold the blankets so tight over my head
To save them entering into my thoughts
My mother said it was my imagination that demons don’t come from wallpaper nor do they enter your head
She said I had nightmares,She bought a night light to protect me, she said
She was right these weren’t real demons these were just cartoon characters that came alive at night
Real demons are not scared of night lights they don’t come from imaginative thoughts they come from the darker side of you.
I thought it took strength and courage not lights to banish them away I thought I knew because demons had kept me company for years
But when I was older and  I still kept the light on , checked under the  bed,
in wardrobes and closets until the coast was clear they still came every night
wanting to tease
They’d crowd my chest until I couldn’t breathe, I’d fight for breath; head spinning, heart pounding , I’d reach for my special pills and then I would rest
It was like living in hell funny how though since you been by my side
These demons are no longer to be seen
I realise now it’s not night lights or pills
It’s you and your unconditional love
that keeps these demons away.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Sticks and stones

Sticks and stonessticks and stones

but the names did hurt me

they resonated in my head

for whole three decades

I carried your words around with me

Every vowel , and syllable

was shackled to my being

my heart had etched the names you called me

my seIf esteem cruelly snatched

I hated the way I looked

I resigned myself to never be loved

to accept a life of solitude

to never be worthy to witness the brightest days

or the moonlights sky’s

because of the names you called me

then your words were broken

because I began to believe in myself

love myself and be loved

to cherish everyday

to  bask in the moonlight

to know its ok to be alone once in a while

after all your sticks and stones

That all they are

Your words are meaningless now

So may I thank you because your

Sticks and stones and names didn’t

Just hurt me, they taught me humility

and to never be like you.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Captured

 

bound_together

 

You have captured me

Against my better judgement?

Probably!

You’ve poisoned me with the kiss from your lips

You have captured me

You’ve kidnaped my soul and mixed it with yours

You have captured me

You’ve have blindfolded me and teased my senses

You have captured me

You’ve played beautiful mind games and won

You have captured me

You’ve bound me with silks, but that was just your way of having fun

You have captured me

You’ve fed me your love so that I don’t die of starvation and loneliness

You have captured me

And yet doors have been left open, but neither of us chooses to run

It appears I’ve captured you too!

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Croeso, to my home

croesoDriving from England towards Cymru

we leave our little suburb

and rows of shoe boxes for homes all tightly packed,

passed  the  polluted spew pouring from the factory chimneys and graffiti walls

It’s as if we leave the darkness behind

and follow our journey into the sun

an hour goes and already my heart races with joy

for I am back home where my ancestors were born,

where they grew

The air changes , all you can breathe and we do

we the breathe in  green valleys and hills ; the land ,

cultivated waiting to be sown

the landscape changes so fast before our eyes

this time of year there are  remnant’s of winter still lying  on the ground

like white lines of coke ready to snort

but there are signs of spring everywhere to be seen

yellow daffodils line up and bow as if to greet you home

lambs with their mothers breaking  the blanket of green,

and then further along our journey along the coast

turrets in the sides of hills we are there

the sea blue green ,and golden sands

embedded with footprints of beach walkers who have gone before

then the harbour with boats tied in line

and of course there’s our Angel Bay and its shore,

she’s been waiting for our return

This is Wales, land of my heritage ,

this is the home  of my father ,

and this is the land of my grandmother

and this will always be home to me.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Always

angel bay

Always when I come to you

A hundred memories we share

Always when I come to you

A hundred more you bestow

Always when I come to you

You give me counsel

Always when I come to you

You listen to my sorrow

Always when I come to you

Take away my fears

Always when I come to you

I find a place I can feel free

Always when I come to you

I am away from constraint,

I am for once just me

Always when I come to you

I love

The smell of you

The taste of you

The touch of you, as your tides wash over my feet

as always I love to come to home and hide in Angel Bay

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Reassurance needed

Reassurance

 

She needs reassurance

She wants to know the answer to

Questions I don’t know

 Like “Will I lose my hair again?”

“What treatment do you think I will have?”

“Will I have to stay in hospital?

She needs reassurance

I give half hearted answers sometimes, I lie

And reply,

“You might do, but only a little maybe”

“ I’m not too sure “

“I don’t think so”

It makes me feel bad but how can I say nothing,

remain silent when …

She needs reassurance

She sad, she has been weeping most of the day,

She tells me she doesn’t have the fight in her any more,

is older and life is too difficult sometimes,

 I hold her so tight as if to take all of the burden from her.

I tell her my father is about, guiding, looking after her like always

She needs reassurance

I can tell the things that I do know though

That I will be by her side

 At every appointment,

During every treatment

When she needs to be nursed, I will be there

I will brighten up her darkest days

I will be there when she’s cured

I will be there when we  will beat  this disease

This she can  be assured 

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

Twiddley thumbs up, everything with be ok

003An impromptu posting.

Two days ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It is not a bad cancer (if cancer could ever be described as good)!

But in the scheme of cancers that has she has previously fought, this is a better cancer to fight (we hope, we have to remain positive)

She just went to the doctors with a mole on her wrist. A tiny thing that started to grow; now the doctor has reassured her it was ok but they referred to the hospital for further tests.

But they found another one further up her arm and more serious one on the side of her head. To be honest I had forgotten about that one and I was shocked at how much it had grown and how angry it looked)  at the moment they don’t know what kind of growth /tumour this is and unfortunately its near where she has had it before. The one on the wrist and arm are contained which is good news

But they now have to do biopsy on what kind of skin carcinoma, (A horrible word) because I said they don’t know, but they have wait about 2 weeks before she can have this done ,as she needs a  blood count done first, but to do this she has to stop a certain medication, .So we have what seems to be along 2 weeks to wait before we get any further news.

Obviously my mum was upset, as I was.  I comforted and hugged her, gave her assuring words which she couldn’t take in. But now  I  have be seen as remaining  strong, if I show her weakness to her or if she thinks I have been told something different than her ( my mum is profoundly deaf so I have to interpret for her )  she will worry and oh boy can she worry.

There is an added sadness to this , because it is just over 12 months ago that my mum’s oncologist gave her a clean bill of health after 20 years and told her she no longer had to take the cancer meds. After I took her out for coffee, I really wanted to take her to lunch to chat about what had occurred but neither of us felt like eating.

My girlfriend J arrive home and she tried talking to her (she is a cancer nurse); she seemed to be getting through to her but then the what if questions, came. I know my mum with time she will get things sorted in her head, and come out fighting, she won’t let  it beat  her. So as my mum use to say to me when I was little and I was scared , twiddley thumbs up everything with be ok. She will get her head around the procedures, and the treatments. She knows the score. She has had to deal with it six times before, far worst cancers than this and she is still here.

But friends, family, people are offering to light candles, say prayers. Now this may be their way of dealing with it but I keep telling them politely please don’t, save for those who will think it will give them comfort. I get no solace, from god screwing up again. I would ask the question why my mother has been set tests all her life. She is a woman who doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. A woman who has never abused her body yet she is tested. Well if it’s for courage she passes, if it’s for strength of character she passes with distinction., but me and god fell out along time ago.

Anyway were off to Wales tomorrow spend the day with my girlfriends folks, take my mum to pay her respects to my dad ( his ashes are scattered not far.)  Hopefully go beach walking with J, clear my the head for the weeks to come. If I could get mum on the beach I’d take her beach walking too.

May contain Rants

Dancing

slow_dancing

 

the evening is ending

the moon is high

the music plays soft

the lights are low

we are alone

these are the times

I’ve missed with you

“Dance with me,” you ask

Palm in palm we rise

my hands clasped your waist

yours around my neck

we moved slow and in unison

hips sway.

slowly eyes meet

bodies move in closer

our lips lock

tongues tease

buttons begin to be undone

a trail to bed we dance

neck kisses we share

As we continue to dance in unison

throughout the night

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

What I am trying to say

I LOVE YOU

I wish I could eloquently express with words

How I feel about you

You deserve sonnets to written about you

By people who are masters  of lusciousness

you deserve prose like summer rain

that flows with ease into streams

you deserve more than my attempts of poems of

the spoken word

I want to write you wonderful lengthy verses

of how beautiful are, I want to express what you mean

to me

I want to show you off to the world, through words

but in all honestly you know that’s not me!

I don’t deal in ‘airy fairy’ expressions of the heart

I don’t need or want to dress up words that truthfully in the end

lose meaning, get lost in translation from thought to parchment

in truth why have twenty six words when three only really matter

What I am really trying to say to you is I LOVE YOU

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

Black Friday

 

dad

 

A thousand tears I have shed

since that fateful day I sat besides you on

what became your deathbed

A million memories whirl within my head

since that day the nurse told me were dead

A hundred regrets I  have of things I should have said

I should have told you how much I loved you and more

since that day I have tried desperately to block out and ignore

An emptiness that lingers deep within my soul now exists

A sadness that invades my thoughts now persists

I shall remember a billion recollections of those times I treasure of you

in the hope they get me through

now that you have passed no longer to to return

People say time is a great healer but normality has now fled

it has been stolen

sorrow and silence is all that is left

So how can I resume to carry on

now that you have left me alone and bereft

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

The Measurement of love

loveIs there a way to measure love?

Is there an accurate way to measure it?

Is there a special equation ?

Is it measured with a ruler?

Is weighed using scales?

is it measured in kisses?

is it measured by the fluid created from passion?

is it measured by the friction of our bodies?

is it measured by our temptation?

is it weighed by our desire?

is calculated by the hours we make love?

I think not, how can you measure love

But if love were to be measured

It would be by using our senses

Look see I have applied this special

equation to you

it is by

by the sight of your beauty,

times

by the sound of your Welsh soft lit,

times

by the touch of your body

times

by the smell of your passion filled scent

times

by the taste of your kisses

equals I have now have the measure of you

and the conclusion is I’m love

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

Virginia

virginia-woolf

Silent drowning

Stones in her pockets

Silent drowning

Virginia,she walked into Ouse

Silent drowning

Water filled her lungs

Silent drowning

She gasped for breath      

Silent drowning

Heart beating fast

Silent drowning

Heart beats slowly

Silent drowning

Heart beat stops

Silent drowning

Virginia, she floating

Silent drowning

The madness will never reclaim her

Silent drowning

Virginia, the voices have finally ceased

Silent drowning

Virginia was finally at peace

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

The March of the Demons

 

Sshh if your quiet you may hear them comingdepression

Out of the shadows they swarm

Scouting for their prey

The weak, the vulnerable all pummelled by doubt

Their whisper is sinister, they howl as they sing

Their march gathers momentum, gathers speed,

The ground shudders as they grow in numbers

The clouds darken ,

Quick hide your weak, your hopeless ,your lonely, and

Those who feel unworthy and unfilled

For it is the season for the demons to March

They attack at night when you are sleeping

They take no prisoners; they will feast on your thoughts,

They will your pillage your soul, they will leave nothing behind

For the demons are marching, you have been warned.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

The last weekend in August

heart_rate_by_shorty6636-d33l3us1

I remember if it was yesterday that last weekend in August

You told me you thought you were coming down with the flu

I told you phone in sick but you wouldn’t listen,

You worked a double shift instead you told me your patients needed you

I couldn’t stop you caring because that’s what you do

Sunday you rested you stayed in bed,

I brought you tea and stroked your hair

Sunday evening you were ashen, your lips a hint of blue

Your breaths were beginning to become shallow

I checked your heartbeat it was slow

All night I stayed awake with you

Monday morning arrived I rang the doctors, he said he was way on his and that

he’d phone ambulance it never arrived

You were drifting  in and out of conciseness,

I recall shouting at you to stay with me, don’t you dare leave I cried.

Your heartbeat was dropping fast I was losing you

Then with a miracle it began to slowly rise

Your mum rang ,she was on her way, I told her to come quick

I helped you to the car,

At the hospital, they rush you through.

They asked who I was, I told them I was your girlfriend, your partner

They  wouldn’t let me go through with you

They asked me if you had family

I told them they lived in Wales and that they were on their way

They asked me question about your medical history

But they still would not let me stay with you

I remember if it was yesterday that last weekend in August

When you nearly died and doctors wouldn’t let me stay with you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

Wearing Black

Just because I don’t wear blackblack

doesn’t mean I do not mourn

Just because tears do not fall from eyes

doesn’t mean I haven’t cried a thousand times inside

Just because I don’t mention his name everyday

doesn’t mean I forgotten his memory it is present with me everyday

Missing him is a pain I have to endure

there is no cure

This is my normality now

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

No one but you

box lock

Take this thought and carry it with you always

my secret to no one but you

Take this sealed envelope and hide it in a secret place

it is my love letter to no one but you

Take this a box lined with velvet inside a  gift

inscribed with a message of affection to no one but you

Take my kisses and treasure them , they hold a thousand

songs I want to sing to no one but you

Take my body, every inch , every crease, and every impurity

it belongs to one but you

Take my soul when I die , carry it in your heart until we meet once more

because it will never belong to anyone else but you.

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.

May contain Rants

the curse of the ego and a tainted blog

notebook

Feed my ego, build it up and tear it down

personally don’t give a damn

take me as you find me, I am who I am

you can all become obese on your egos

I rather starve and have my integrity

I write, correction try to write poetry

to release the thoughts that hide deep

in the cavities of my brain

I blog them not for adulation

I’m not doing it for that, not at all

it just that my poems are me stripped bare

all biographical, about my relationship with J

and some about the demons that have taunted me

I blog them because they deserve more

than my usual unruly dyslexic scribble on a page

I want them to make the words appear to be beautiful

that is all.

some deserve it because of the ugliness the have endured

words should always look beautiful,

if even the sound distorts them.

I’m not ungrateful, I am really, really touched

people actually do like them so much.

that in itself is a beautiful surprise

but truth I know they’re full of my dyslexic  mistakes

but people actually still like them?

I really don’t understand why?

I deal in honesty and I feel my blog my words feel tainted

it makes sad, in truth it makes want to stop writing on here

and go back to my unruly dyslexic scribble on a page where the real beauty lies

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved.