May contain Rants

I was, You did, Were we?

a betI was naïve to the real you

I was blinded by your beauty

I was hungry for your touch

I was once so in love with you

I WAS

You did tarnish the image I had of you in the end

You did show me how ugly you became in the end

You did starve me of real affection in the end

You did give away the love you once had for me in the end

YOU DID

Were we?

Were we once?

Were we once so?

Were we once so in?

Were we once so in love?

WERE WE?

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

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May contain Rants

Circles

circles

We are constantly walking in circles

Never straight lines

Never with purpose

We are constantly walking in circles

Never moving to my left

Never moving to your right

We are constantly walking in circles

We once walked in sync

But now we are so out of rhythm

We are constantly walking in circles

Fresh starts, mundane middles, heart breaking finishes

Reliving the same situations, over and over and over

We are constantly walking in circles

I want to break this sphere and straighten it out

This ecliptic that constantly over shadows

We are constantly walking in circles

I want to be able to walk forward, never looking back, never with regrets

I need to find way of walking forward with direction and purpose

Together or apart

But I am tired of constantly walking in circles

Over and

Over and

Over

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

You are

youYou are the goodnight kiss that sends me to me to my slumber

I am lucky

You are the dawn chorus that gently wakes me from my dreams

I am lucky

You are the winter sun that keeps me warm on cold cold days

I am lucky

You are the anchor of my vessel you keep me

safe when storms would drown me

I am lucky

You are the constant star that guides me home (when I am lost)

I am lucky  to have you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Thoughts of an illicit kiss

kissI asked my brain to keep all

Its thoughts

Its desires

Its despair

To itself

It did not listen

It fills me with needs and curiosities

I do not want

It teases me with thoughts of you and it shouldn’t

It plans scenarios that cannot happen,

Of times I would have I would have once died

for just one illicit kiss from you

When I’m a sleep it makes me dream

That you are teasing my skin with your touch

I longed for you once upon a time when

Things in my life were full of lies

You thought I was happy when I was not

I spent years acting

out a secret love affair,

open relationships,

playing the field

one night stands

and then fantasies of you

But now I have finally found someone who I want to be

Faithful with

Commit with

Someone I want share my life with

I can’t have my brain sharing long forgotten thoughts,

But I still can’t help thinking what that illicit kiss would have been like

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Standing back and surveying

web 1I need to stand  back and unravel myself  from this web

stand by review and survey

what  purpose it wants of me

 As all I see is that it plan is  for me to feed your ego

I need to re-hinge myself to everything that matters

to people who I  need as much as they want me

I have been reliving  loves of old

and a childhood  I’d would rather forget

but I know  that it is  part of the therapy

making me visit ‘old friends’

my baby is concerned

she says I’m troubled  

that at night  I toss and turn

I do not rest

she says her arms are not enough to contain

she cannot contain my thoughts

my baby says it needs rest

it’s wandering thoughts

are bringing me down

she is right

I do need stillness

I need to smell the cold

and taste the waves

To spend time alone with her

at our cove

To lose ourselves in moments of love

To share myself with no but her 

I just  need to return myself to the fold

Spend time with those I love

whilst  I leave you find some else to feed your ego’s

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Peace keeper

i_wear_my_heart_on_my_sleeve_by_inside_battle-d3al6whI am peace keeper, a fool

see my  heart  is it tied upon my sleeve

with a sash of blue

it is the reason I hurt so  much

always playing the fool , the joker

living life through whimsical humour

but my face it reads truth it cannot lie

I tried appeasing you so many times

but I tired

I aged , with age comes courage

a courage that I thought would  never be mine

I did away with stroking your ego,

I served my time

12 years under your lock and key

I never once asked you to put me on a pedestal 

All I asked was for you to love me as much as I once loved you

You strayed 

I was weak once

but twice I had to be done with you

Yet you still left me broken in two

You left rage and  anger so deep in me that

If you were to stand before now

I could snap you in two but

I am peacekeeper  and but no longer your  fool

See my eyes they no longer cry tears for you

See my face it reads truth it cannot lie

my eyes no longer look through eyes of love

they see and they just pity you

©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.

All rights reserved

May contain Rants

Cupcakes , caregiving and everything in between.

I been wanting to tell you the story of how J and got together purely  because you are getting to know her through my poems and to also explain more about me so here goes

I own my own property, nice house in south Manchester, easy access to the airport so its got easy access to motorway and Wales too. I share it with my girlfriend and my mum who I am a caregiver for.  But J also has an apartment not far from where live. We have a granny extension (although she not a granny!!) for my mum , the extension has  a purpose built bedroom and a roll in shower in her bathroom, she has every conceivable aid to help her live a happy life and the room to think she’s Penelope Pit stop whizzing around in her wheelchair.

So why do we need a flat? Some of you may ask. Well it somewhere we get to be like a proper couple without the distractions care giving causes, (trust me being disturb in the middle of the night during those  intimate moments  does happen when you’re a caregiver !!!) Also because J sometimes has work night shift’s as she is a ward manager in a large hospital , so it makes it easier if she sleeps there, so she’s not disturb in the day .It’s also somewhere to put up the outlaws when they visit.

I love being a caregiver, even though it’s the hardest job I have done, it is the most rewarding one too, I do it knowing that my mum is being looked after properly, and all without the help of strangers.  Now I have been her caregiver for the last 30 years and have solely taken on that role  12 years this year. But I never thought of myself as a caregiver until 2009, when I was force to re-enact Grey gardens albeit minus the rundown house, the filth, the numerous  raccoons. But we were forced spend time with each other for 15 months as my mum was seriously ill and was confined to bed for 15 months.  I could not move, we lived, and we ate and even had to sleep in the same room in case she needed help in the night. I rarely went out and if I did it was only to the doctors, the chemist or to do the weekly shop. I couldn’t work so I took a 15 months unpaid career break. It was pure hell, the only time I saw people was when one of my friends came to sit with my mum whilst I ran errands.

During this time I became one of those carers that didn’t take great care of themselves, I looked a mess , I aged , I lost weight , I went down from 8 and half stoned to just under 7 and at 5ft 6in that was not good. I wore jog pants and t-shirts all the time, so not me.

The only other people I saw were the nurses who had to come to treat my mum.  It was during this time I met my current girlfriend. Even now she can recall that day, apparently she says for her there was an instant attraction. I’m sorry to say I can’t remember , it was day  4 , but to be honest it was  the last thing on my mind, it had been for at least  3 years prior when my long term of 12 years partner (it was a very abusive relationship)  , she had a daughter who I virtually brought up as my own, we were engaged ,anyway she slept  with  two other women behind my back (one of them being a good friend of mine) because she couldn’t handle the fact that I wasn’t  there for her as much as I use to be because I became a full time caregiver and the dynamics of our relationship changed completely when my dad died , so we parted,she moved down south  with her daughter  and I  was single for about 3 years and so  I wasn’t ready for another relationship , I hadn’t been on any  dates with anyone, however I  spoke to a few online , one being the head fuck who I’ve mentioned in  previous blogs . There will definitely be a poem being written about that situation.

Anyways my girlfriend  J use to come every day , we never saw any other nurses after her visit  apart from at weekends, it seemed that my would be girlfriend became my mum’s personal nurse . As the treatment lasted an hour my would be girlfriend and I got to know each other very well, she use to bring us cupcakes  and we realised we had so much in common  . At this point I didn’t know whether she was a lesbian although there were slight indications I thought nah I could be that lucky. At this point I did start to make a bit more effort and tidied myself up, because I realised I was really really attracted to her, tried to fight it as she is half my age I was 43 and she was 22 at the time we met , but I couldn’t get her out of my head but I didn’t want to be disappointed if said she wasn’t a lesbian, I knew she was single though.  It just so happen one morning about 8 weeks of meeting her she called earlier than normal she wanted to talk to me about something she said you know I’m absolutely crazy about you don’t you ? Anyway we arrange to meet for a coffee on my next weekly  shopping trip and the weeks rolled in to 5 months and she asked me out as she was moving from the clinic and so we were free to date. I was so happy but also scared to death of getting hurt again butand because I couldn’t believe this beautiful young woman wanted to be with me.  She was scared too because I was her second girlfriend ever, she still hadn’t come out to her parents but she we knew we had to be together. One of my friends said the other week that she has never seen two people more in love, more compatible and need to feed off each other’s love as me and J are

At first I tried to put her off by telling all the pit falls that dating someone with Bipolar  and being a caregiver have. Of my constant moods swings and of never being able to go away on the weekend without mum, having to make arrangements for mum to have some with her when we go out and I never being able spend the night at her flat, the list is endless. Having a relationship difficult thing to do maintain when you have both these things to contend with, not many would put their life on hold to care for their partner when the bipolar kicks in , nor their partner be so understanding know that their partners parent is number one priority but she is willing to do that. Yes there are times we have had wobbles but we seem to get through and 7 years on here we are strong as ever.

She is my soul mate. I let her go briefly and she nearly died with a heart complaint , so when the time is right maybe I will marry that girl near Angel Bay, because I don’t think I will ever find another quite like her.

Anyway every love poem is about her and dedicated to her. I could write a billion poems of undying love to this woman and there would never be enough words.