I was naïve to the real you
I was blinded by your beauty
I was hungry for your touch
I was once so in love with you
I WAS
You did tarnish the image I had of you in the end
You did show me how ugly you became in the end
You did starve me of real affection in the end
You did give away the love you once had for me in the end
YOU DID
Were we?
Were we once?
Were we once so?
Were we once so in?
Were we once so in love?
WERE WE?
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
We are constantly walking in circles
Never straight lines
Never with purpose
We are constantly walking in circles
Never moving to my left
Never moving to your right
We are constantly walking in circles
We once walked in sync
But now we are so out of rhythm
We are constantly walking in circles
Fresh starts, mundane middles, heart breaking finishes
Reliving the same situations, over and over and over
We are constantly walking in circles
I want to break this sphere and straighten it out
This ecliptic that constantly over shadows
We are constantly walking in circles
I want to be able to walk forward, never looking back, never with regrets
I need to find way of walking forward with direction and purpose
Together or apart
But I am tired of constantly walking in circles
Over and
Over and
Over
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
You are the goodnight kiss that sends me to me to my slumber
I am lucky
You are the dawn chorus that gently wakes me from my dreams
I am lucky
You are the winter sun that keeps me warm on cold cold days
I am lucky
You are the anchor of my vessel you keep me
safe when storms would drown me
I am lucky
You are the constant star that guides me home (when I am lost)
I am lucky to have you
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
I asked my brain to keep all
Its thoughts
Its desires
Its despair
To itself
It did not listen
It fills me with needs and curiosities
I do not want
It teases me with thoughts of you and it shouldn’t
It plans scenarios that cannot happen,
Of times I would have I would have once died
for just one illicit kiss from you
When I’m a sleep it makes me dream
That you are teasing my skin with your touch
I longed for you once upon a time when
Things in my life were full of lies
You thought I was happy when I was not
I spent years acting
out a secret love affair,
open relationships,
playing the field
one night stands
and then fantasies of you
But now I have finally found someone who I want to be
Faithful with
Commit with
Someone I want share my life with
I can’t have my brain sharing long forgotten thoughts,
But I still can’t help thinking what that illicit kiss would have been like
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
I need to stand back and unravel myself from this web
stand by review and survey
what purpose it wants of me
As all I see is that it plan is for me to feed your ego
I need to re-hinge myself to everything that matters
to people who I need as much as they want me
I have been reliving loves of old
and a childhood I’d would rather forget
but I know that it is part of the therapy
making me visit ‘old friends’
my baby is concerned
she says I’m troubled
that at night I toss and turn
I do not rest
she says her arms are not enough to contain
she cannot contain my thoughts
my baby says it needs rest
it’s wandering thoughts
are bringing me down
she is right
I do need stillness
I need to smell the cold
and taste the waves
To spend time alone with her
at our cove
To lose ourselves in moments of love
To share myself with no but her
I just need to return myself to the fold
Spend time with those I love
whilst I leave you find some else to feed your ego’s
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
I am peace keeper, a fool
see my heart is it tied upon my sleeve
with a sash of blue
it is the reason I hurt so much
always playing the fool , the joker
living life through whimsical humour
but my face it reads truth it cannot lie
I tried appeasing you so many times
but I tired
I aged , with age comes courage
a courage that I thought would never be mine
I did away with stroking your ego,
I served my time
12 years under your lock and key
I never once asked you to put me on a pedestal
All I asked was for you to love me as much as I once loved you
You strayed
I was weak once
but twice I had to be done with you
Yet you still left me broken in two
You left rage and anger so deep in me that
If you were to stand before now
I could snap you in two but
I am peacekeeper and but no longer your fool
See my eyes they no longer cry tears for you
See my face it reads truth it cannot lie
my eyes no longer look through eyes of love
they see and they just pity you
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
I been wanting to tell you the story of how J and got together purely because you are getting to know her through my poems and to also explain more about me so here goes
I own my own property, nice house in south Manchester, easy access to the airport so its got easy access to motorway and Wales too. I share it with my girlfriend and my mum who I am a caregiver for. But J also has an apartment not far from where live. We have a granny extension (although she not a granny!!) for my mum , the extension has a purpose built bedroom and a roll in shower in her bathroom, she has every conceivable aid to help her live a happy life and the room to think she’s Penelope Pit stop whizzing around in her wheelchair.
So why do we need a flat? Some of you may ask. Well it somewhere we get to be like a proper couple without the distractions care giving causes, (trust me being disturb in the middle of the night during those intimate moments does happen when you’re a caregiver !!!) Also because J sometimes has work night shift’s as she is a ward manager in a large hospital , so it makes it easier if she sleeps there, so she’s not disturb in the day .It’s also somewhere to put up the outlaws when they visit.
I love being a caregiver, even though it’s the hardest job I have done, it is the most rewarding one too, I do it knowing that my mum is being looked after properly, and all without the help of strangers. Now I have been her caregiver for the last 30 years and have solely taken on that role 12 years this year. But I never thought of myself as a caregiver until 2009, when I was force to re-enact Grey gardens albeit minus the rundown house, the filth, the numerous raccoons. But we were forced spend time with each other for 15 months as my mum was seriously ill and was confined to bed for 15 months. I could not move, we lived, and we ate and even had to sleep in the same room in case she needed help in the night. I rarely went out and if I did it was only to the doctors, the chemist or to do the weekly shop. I couldn’t work so I took a 15 months unpaid career break. It was pure hell, the only time I saw people was when one of my friends came to sit with my mum whilst I ran errands.
During this time I became one of those carers that didn’t take great care of themselves, I looked a mess , I aged , I lost weight , I went down from 8 and half stoned to just under 7 and at 5ft 6in that was not good. I wore jog pants and t-shirts all the time, so not me.
The only other people I saw were the nurses who had to come to treat my mum. It was during this time I met my current girlfriend. Even now she can recall that day, apparently she says for her there was an instant attraction. I’m sorry to say I can’t remember , it was day 4 , but to be honest it was the last thing on my mind, it had been for at least 3 years prior when my long term of 12 years partner (it was a very abusive relationship) , she had a daughter who I virtually brought up as my own, we were engaged ,anyway she slept with two other women behind my back (one of them being a good friend of mine) because she couldn’t handle the fact that I wasn’t there for her as much as I use to be because I became a full time caregiver and the dynamics of our relationship changed completely when my dad died , so we parted,she moved down south with her daughter and I was single for about 3 years and so I wasn’t ready for another relationship , I hadn’t been on any dates with anyone, however I spoke to a few online , one being the head fuck who I’ve mentioned in previous blogs . There will definitely be a poem being written about that situation.
Anyways my girlfriend J use to come every day , we never saw any other nurses after her visit apart from at weekends, it seemed that my would be girlfriend became my mum’s personal nurse . As the treatment lasted an hour my would be girlfriend and I got to know each other very well, she use to bring us cupcakes and we realised we had so much in common . At this point I didn’t know whether she was a lesbian although there were slight indications I thought nah I could be that lucky. At this point I did start to make a bit more effort and tidied myself up, because I realised I was really really attracted to her, tried to fight it as she is half my age I was 43 and she was 22 at the time we met , but I couldn’t get her out of my head but I didn’t want to be disappointed if said she wasn’t a lesbian, I knew she was single though. It just so happen one morning about 8 weeks of meeting her she called earlier than normal she wanted to talk to me about something she said you know I’m absolutely crazy about you don’t you ? Anyway we arrange to meet for a coffee on my next weekly shopping trip and the weeks rolled in to 5 months and she asked me out as she was moving from the clinic and so we were free to date. I was so happy but also scared to death of getting hurt again butand because I couldn’t believe this beautiful young woman wanted to be with me. She was scared too because I was her second girlfriend ever, she still hadn’t come out to her parents but she we knew we had to be together. One of my friends said the other week that she has never seen two people more in love, more compatible and need to feed off each other’s love as me and J are
At first I tried to put her off by telling all the pit falls that dating someone with Bipolar and being a caregiver have. Of my constant moods swings and of never being able to go away on the weekend without mum, having to make arrangements for mum to have some with her when we go out and I never being able spend the night at her flat, the list is endless. Having a relationship difficult thing to do maintain when you have both these things to contend with, not many would put their life on hold to care for their partner when the bipolar kicks in , nor their partner be so understanding know that their partners parent is number one priority but she is willing to do that. Yes there are times we have had wobbles but we seem to get through and 7 years on here we are strong as ever.
She is my soul mate. I let her go briefly and she nearly died with a heart complaint , so when the time is right maybe I will marry that girl near Angel Bay, because I don’t think I will ever find another quite like her.
Anyway every love poem is about her and dedicated to her. I could write a billion poems of undying love to this woman and there would never be enough words.
It fair to say I have that I’ve not had the best of weekends, this weekend. This is due to many things; some things I can’t discuss, nothing wildly exciting, I’m just not able talk about them.
The things that have pissed me off this weekend that I can discuss are
1) I have been on a really tight schedule regarding a British Sign Language course that I’m doing and I have an exam in about 4 weeks DON’T PANIC and a further one in about 8 weeks so things are a little full on at the mo. There never seems to be enough time to fit everything in with caring for my mum, counselling my mum at the mo as well as she’s waiting for the cancer results to come through. Trying to fit ’ ALONE’ time in with my girlfriend Jo oh and go to work! I suppose I could spend less time writing poems but in honesty they keep me SANE and SANE IS GOOD AT MO!!!
All week I had this looming panic about doing this piece of British Sign Language interpreting, which means writing it (most people think sign language is a direct interpretation of English it’s not .It has its own linguistics, it’s a complex language. It’s a beautiful language . I’m doing the course because I want a change in career from what I’m doing now , which something I can’t talk about ! I also believe everybody has the right to information and communication , this includes study and basic information like gay rights /support , so passing means I will just be one step from making my leap into interpreting and helping people get this information . I have been signing all my life as my mum is profoundly deaf) , then doing the piece to camera, editing and uploading and then sending to my teacher. Well parts 1 to 2 went smoothly. Parts 3 and 4 some issues, which were resolved, but part 5 well let’s just say the little beep, beep, beep is still uploading and has been since 10 o’clock this Morning!! It was supposed to be in by 2 this afternoon, well don’t think that’s going to happen. Anyway major rant, I find shouting at inanimate quiet therapeutic like LAP TOPS!!
Anyway Jo took herself off to the kitchen to bake. She knows me so well that she knows that the way to calm a ranting woman down is fill her with cupcakes!
Now full and calm. So calm that I text my teacher who replied “Oh bring it on usb stick or DVD tomorrow when you come to class. Jo pass me another cupcake. Anyway if there were any clips on YOU TUBE OF British Sign Language SWEAR WORDS I would at this point upload them to show you the actions I did towards that text message.
2) The other thing that spoilt this weekend is that I became very low; my mood took a real nose dive. I can’t give an explanation because it’s part of the thing I can’t talk about , it just happens every so often a black cloud just resides over my head for a little while, usually when I’m stressed out , which I have been . I usually know what to do and that’s to remain quiet, have space, and usually sleep and it passes fairly quickly. But because of everything going it didn’t. Thankfully my mum and Jo know I can be a moody cow and leave me to it, but are there when it goes beyond a little downer.
Anyways please to say in the scheme of sorting out the uploading problems and eating far too many cupcakes I am back to my old self again (Jo probably thinking thank fuck for that!!)
Anyway going to catch up on some blogs, and work on some poetry.
I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me
But your libido says otherwise
You run a bath, you say it’s to relax me
But I hear you pottering about
Waiting to be asked to join me
But I don’t
Dried I climb into bed , you’re already sat
Waiting, pretending to read, book closed
You lean over to kiss me,
I return it back but
You turn this into a passionate kiss
Again I return it but that’s as far as I wanted it to go
See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me
But your libido says otherwise
You think I’m receptive because of that kiss
Next thing you’ve change your position you’ve straddle me
You start to caress me ,
Hands on breasts
Kisses on my neck ,
Tongue teasing nipples and my belly too
I know where it’s heading
So I usher you back up for more kisses
You’re trying to arouse me but none of it will work
See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me
But your libido says otherwise
I feel your hand move towards the inside of my thigh
I allow you to play for a while
in the hope it sparks life into me
I feel you as you enter inside me, I don’t resist
again I hope a release of endorphins
to break this spell
that has been unfortunately cast on me
cos I really do want to Fuck you , but it isn’ t going to be tonight
I say I’m sorry next time I promise to make you my
‘Pillow Queen’
See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me
But your libido says otherwise
You say it’s ok , that it your fault
you thought it might help
So there we lay spooned , I can feel your breasts in my back
You kiss my back and say
“ Just wait and see tomorrow YOU will be fine”
You add your sweet dreams like you always do
Your arm around my belly and your fingers are entwined with mine
Suppressed tears in my eyes , I’m angry with myself
and mad at you for being so bloody understanding
but then secretly I am glad because
See I’m not in the mood or the mood is not in me
and your libido thought otherwise
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
I’ve been on a real downer today
I been locked in a space my head
With very little to say
I craved addiction again today
I’ve been crying so many tears of sorrow
That my eyes sting with pain
Please let me wake up sane tomorrow
I’ve been shaking too
Constant is the tap in my foot
And there’s a kick in the pit of belly that holds
a sickness that makes me wants to throw up
My legs feel heavy, but they wobble like jelly
There’s a song in my head
Bipolar day blues
An earworm
Constant
Constant
CONSTANT
Is its noise
I want to tell it to shut the Fuck up
I been on a real downer today
I been locked in a space my head
With very little to say
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
It’s two in the morning
I wake gasping for air and YOU
But neither are there
My heart races, I can hear the
Marching thumps as they get
Louder and louder
and nearer and nearer
my brain is full of confusion
I want to text you but
know I can’t
you’re tending to the REAL sick and needy
then I see one missed called and that
you’ve sent me a text about
10:45, I must have fallen asleep
it reads “I h8 night shifts, cu in morn sleep well babe luv u: x “
your words begin to calm me down
because they represent the ‘Whole’ you,
the woman I allowed myself to fall in love with
I get overwhelmed, begin to cry
if I was younger I’d blame my emotions
on my hormone’s playing tricks on me
but I know better…
its 2:30 in the morning
as I’m finding solace in my computer
my phone vibrates it’s you
with your ESP senses
“Hi babe, you ok, how long have you been awake?”
Your question leaves me dumbfounded
I reply “How did you know I was awake?”
“Babe I sleep next to you at night,
I know when your
agitated ,troubled and scared
it’s always around 2ish
but you are never aware that
when you start shaking
I just wrap my arms around you
and cuddle you in,”
I realise that I think I’m fine
but underneath I’m still so damaged
it’s just YOU who takes everything away
during the night
god how did I come to EVER deserve you when
all I do is selfishly
TRY and push you a way
My
Beautiful
Beautiful
Angel in the night
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland. All rights reserved
Missing one funny bone
have you seen it?
It’s been missing most of the afternoon
I think someone stole it whilst I was taking a nap
They replaced with the melancholy,
I know melancholy well
It’s vacated here before
I swore I had the no vacancy sign showing
but now it has unpacked its bags
there no sign to say
how long its likely to stay
lets hope it gone before you know it!
Missing one funny bone
Have you seen it?
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
My minds been wandering to day
To places I want to escape to, but don’t
My body feels numb today
It needed to inhale nicotine
and make smoke rings
sometimes I feel safe and I like that
The familiarity, the safeness of you
but is it enough?
but sometimes I just want to
run, and run, and run
to a space where there is no similarity
to anything I hold dear
because being alone is preferable to
losing you
losing your love,
losing your touch
my minds been full of fear today
and I really, really don’t like it
Today I really needed the warmth of your touch
For you to hold me, rock me and tell me with a reassuring softness
Its ok babe, you’re just having
One of those days
One of those days
One
Of
Those
Days.
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
I need an adventure of sorts
I need to walk across tideless sands
To feel the remnants of sea salt soaking into my toes
I need to go hunting for creatures, in deep pools of black waters
I need to go an excavate rocks and boulders
I need to place my flag on territories to say I was there
What I really mean to say is I want to just go spend a child like day at the beach
with you
To go beach walking and paddle in the sea hand and in hand
with you
To go catching the crabs in the shallow pools amongst the rocks in bay
with you
To go rummaging out shiny smooth pebbles shaped as hearts
with you
To have sand filled picnics at the bay
with you
To scribble our names “Jo and June” in a huge sand heart to say I’m in love
with you
I want to just go spend a day at the beach
with you
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
The killing of flies
If you don’t prepare, you end up being careless
Or you’ll find yourself in A and E
Don’t try to outwit it with a flame throwing lighter
Cos the little buggers are fighters
You can’t out catch them cos
They’re faster than an Olympian cyclist in a velodrome
And all you’ll do is end up is burning down your home
If they try to enter your ear
Don’t try whacking them with the TV remote
My dear
cost you’ll only end up getting yourself concussed
and causing a fuss
being wheeled into an A and E facilty
whilst the said wee beastie knows it out witted you
It flies off to find its next casualty.
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
* This poem has been written after a conversation I had with a fellow blogger who I was chatting to last night who end up being attack by a fly anyway I said there was a poem in the situation. So I was asked to write a poem and anyway here it is, plus humorous picture to accompany said poem .A bit of fun on a wet horrible Thursday morn .
On December 28 1979
I discovered women!
No correction
I discovered I was attracted
To a Woman,
Her name was Debbie.
I can only describe this discovery as a sublime
This was moment captured in time
From out of the dark she appeared
I must admit after that
Things became a little blurred
I was memorized by her
I was captivated by her
Her dead pan persona
Her style,
Blonde bombshell
The red lips,
Tight jeans
T-shirt ripped
I was in love at thirteen
I became a devotee
My room became a shrine
I worshipped her from afar
After all these years
She’s still divine
So the bottom line
you want to know the truth
I am still in love with her
The one and only
Miss Debbie Harry
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
You’ve been running around my brain again
and again
and again
STOP
let me compose myself
so I can overdose myself
on things I shouldn’t take but do
they ease the pain that is you
STOP
I wear my heart on my sleeve
but yours isn’t anywhere to be seen
you really haven’t got a fucking clue
you have no idea because all you do
is go running around my brain again,
and again
and again
STOP
you want to hook up so a message you send
you’re at loose end
I haven’t seen you weeks
not heard from you in days
no because you’ve had someone else on the go
but all of sudden you’re at loose end
you want me to come over, stroke your ego
because you know you’ve been running around my brain again
and again
and again
STOP
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
this is an old poem slightly tweaked , apologises for the photo , couldn’t find an original one of the head fuck (probably burnt or shredded!) So you’ll have to do with one of an ever so sightly tired 47 year old woman AKA ME!!! (I was going to use it on another poem I have in mind!)
impromptu posting . Not had much sleep, about 3 hours. These days I don’t function well without at least 8 hours .
I couldn’t sleep because today my mum has her biopsies done regarding the skin cancer. I knew my mum, wouldn’t sleep and I knew the girlfriend couldn’t sleep and she needed to because she got work today, so I went to sleep in the spare room. So now I have migraine coming on because A) lack of sleep and B) Worry..
Another reason, the main reason( because I have every faith my mum will be ok ) why I couldn’t sleep is that I was thinking of the girlfriend who is evidently prominent in my work on here. We had a small break at the beginning of the year, because the 6 months prior had been in a nutshell STRESSED , because of illness , her’s illness ,her mother recovering from illness and my mother’s illness . It seems we’re so busy tending to the sick that we forget to look after ourselves. Also due to previous serious 2 relationships and 2 which were semi serious , incidentally they all turned out to be head fucks, I am wary of lesbians ,.
J is the first woman I have met in a long time who is lets say is normal . She is an affectionate, nice, caring, smart and funny woman all the attributes I look for in a women , but added bonus she’s beautiful, ultra fem i(f your in UK she looks a lot like Lydia Bright) , background wise we have so little in common that you think how, what , when did end up together .Her family very affluent (which she doesn’t care about),they have houses all over UK and in South of France , she was privately educated and I’m old enough to be her mother. Yet we ended up together .I’m still figuring that one out. BUT WE CLICKED STRAIGHT AWAY and I don’t think anyone has opened me up more , helped me deal with demons from my past more than her and I know no one has ever made me as happy as she does, but……….
We’ve been back 4 weeks and things are really good , as I said she is my soul mate but because my mum received the cancer news 2 weeks ago J moved back in and things have been full on since. But really if we continued at this speed we will be apart again before you know. So how can I say thanks for sorting us out but can you move back into your apartment and I see you at the weekends and maybe a couple of times in the week because things are moving TOO QUICK without sounding callous. Because I know one day we (More importantly I) will do this once too often and there with be no going back .
Anyway whatever happens doesn’t change our feelings for each other , but at 47 WHY CAN’T I GET MY ACT TOGETHER.I really need to take the advice off that old couple we met the other day and just be bloody happy!!
My mum never interferes in my relationships, especially not J because she adores her but she does refer to us as the lesbian version of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, cant live with each other but cant be apart. not quiet knowing which one of us is Richard ( probably me), and can we sort things out once and for all because she’d really like to buy a hat!!
anyway get today over with and be there for mum and tonight /tomorrow chat with J.
No wonder I suffer from migraine’s
Finn x
Lunchtime in the park
You’ve text me you need a break
You’ve had a busy morning of
Cancer Inauguration’s of people who are
Scared of what their future hold’s
You know through experience that only half will survive
You needed a break and a comforting arm around your shoulder
and the reassurance of a kiss upon your cheek
you receive all in the park at lunchtime
a small group of teenage girls go by
they couldn’t have been no more than fifteen years old
a small presentation of what our future holds
we’re clench in fingertips, locked in lips,
I admit we were lost in the moment for a brief second
because being gay in a very straight world we are
always,
always
planning our advances
I hear one remark with venom
“Did you see that, they were ‘gay kissing’ “
This comment makes me angry, but importantly it makes
me sad that this a sample view of our younger generation
who can differentiate between a kiss and a gay kiss,
would they differentiate between loves?
would they keep us oppressed and try force us back into closets?
it makes me disillusioned
then an old couple come join us on the bench,
they see your wearing hospital scrubs
they strike up conversation of how they lost their daughter
ten years ago to breast cancer
you can see the rawness is their eyes
they ask us if we are a couple,
reluctantly I confirm we are
their reply is simple yet beautiful
and it fills my heart with warmth and restores my faith
“Cherish each other”,
“Be there for each other”,
and “Love one another.”
we take their advice and say our goodbyes and
hand in hand we take our leave
We overhear the old woman comment to her husband
“What a nice couple they were. “, he replies “Yes dear they were.”
It makes us smile and and you squeeze my hand
as we continue to walk on hand in hand
that lunchtime in the park
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
impromptu posting the above video basically says everything I really want to say and there are bits of the video that make me laugh. Normally I’d write a poem the events but today I am unable to so because you’d think I had developed tourettes and 24 years out and open some people still leave me speechless in good and bad ways. Maybe I do the poem tomorrow , hopefully I’ll be calmer about it then . Anyway enjoy the video!
The daily routine begins before seven
How Sunday in your arms remains a distant Heaven
Patiently waiting for the day to be done
and then in your arms I can run
and even though our time has had its troubles
making things stress and taut
I always find myself back in your
presence wanting to be caught
Will be the one that saves me from this tedium
for breaking down and breaking up is all we seem to do
How I long for a happy medium
to share myself with you.
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
It’s a daily battle holding the
Floodgates closed
For then when you are not near
Only night,
The dark
The loneliness pushes them open
Salt tears burn at my skin
It stings and I like the pain
Because it makes me feel
It’s the only thing that makes me feel
The night it the only time
I am free to be me
Either with you in ecstasy
Or alone in my despondency
Free from the facet of daylight hours
You know I have troubled soul
and a troubled heart and sometimes
I have damaged thoughts too
But here you are steadfast you remain
standing by me, my keeper of the keys
But It is a daily battle holding
The floodgates locked
I get frightened and push you away
Not because I don’t love you
I so do ,
It that I think our love
Maybe not be enough from keeping
The floodgates from opening
and I don’t want you silently drowning alone with me
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
We rarely argue, we rarely fight
We have bond so strong so tight
But that night we fought, how we fought
It all started off so innocently
The usual pick you up from the hospital where you worked
Quick kisses on the cheek as you get into the car
With “Hi babe how was your day?”
and then, oh yes then
I made the mistake on commenting on your ankles
I wish could have eaten those words right there and then
I said”Sweetheart look your ankles are swollen ,are you ok?”
you reply with displeasure
that if I think hard enough still resonates in my head
“Those are my ankles! Are you implying I have cankles?”
“No I was worried because of your heart condition
and with you being on your feet all day, that’s all.”
You sarcastically reply “I”m amazed you got down as far my ankles!”
Jokingly I replied “I know I’m amazed I got past your breast too!”
A silent journey home ensues
then slamming of
car doors,
front doors,
bedroom doors,
bathroom doors,
an hour later you reappear
you still not happy, I can tell
The three of us sit down for dinner my mum, you and I
you’re laughing joking with my mum but me ,I may as well not have been there
my mum retires to her room
silently we’re in the kitchen clearing the plates
I’m washing, you’re drying.
all of a sudden you remember I’m there
You say “ I may have cankles, but you have size seven feet! “
an all mighty war breaks out because my feet are actually size six
and I didn’t actually say you had cankles!.
later we’ve headed to bed
back to back we lay,
I say “I’m sorry , you have beautiful ankles”
I turn and so do you
we’re face to face
you kiss me on my forehead and said “It’s ok , I forgive you
but you still have size 7 feet! ”
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
Saturday nights out with you are always bliss
A few hours away from the madding restraints of our world
But my favourite time is when we come home
alone in our room
you’re taking off your make up and were cleaning teeth and
getting ready for bed
I admit sometimes in the throws passion we don’t get this far
it’s usually a trail of discarded mess and the jumping of bones!
but there is a sensualness of preparing for what’s to come
I have obligatory glance at your nakedness as you climb into bed,
the foreplay begins, neck kisses, and gentle touches of skin on skin
you take my weight
you take my rhythm
you take my kisses
you take my touches
and my teasing tongue
but most of all
you take my love
I receive yours back in return
your fingertips caress parts of me that have ached for your touch all week
you journey on down with your teasing tongue between my thighs
I let out a sensual sigh
and when were both satisfied, complete
bodies still entwined
face to face, my fingertips in between your locks
I can’t resist but I touch your cheek
I catch your mouth with my thumb
both eyes still open you kiss it back,
Smile and say “Sweet dreams babe, goodnight.”
arms wrapped in each other
you snuggle in
I reply “Sweet dreams, night my sweet.”
smile and close my eyes
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
I was watching you sleep this morning
I couldn’t resist I had to touch your cheek
I caught your mouth with my thumb
One eye opened you kissed it back,
Smiled and said morning.
You didn’t linger, you took your pills
And then you’re up out of bed
Under the t-shirt you’re struggling to put on
“Tea?” you ask ,I nod
Five minutes later you’re back with mugs
You scramble back into bed
You pass me mine whilst kissing
Me on the cheek
The heats gone from you
So you wrap your arms around my body,
Your feet wrapped in mine, you try to retrieve some heat
We lay there wrapped in each other chatting,
Stupid conversations ,
Wonderful conversations
It’s the same old routine just like it used to be,
Before we both got so stressed and parted for a while.
But all the time I’m thinking how lucky I am to have you
And shout out in my head
thank you, thank you,
she came back home
I look at you, you’re smiling,
looking out towards the window
I wonder if you are thinking the same thing too.
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
The reason for this to me is still unknown
Do you not have the courage to tell me goodbye?
Why?
When did this hatred of me begin
This divide between us built like a wall
Taller and wider than the one – You remember they had in Berlin
Why?
Tell me why there is such a divide
As my feelings for you will always remain
But just recently your treatment of me has been so inhumane
Why?
But I can tell you just want to throw me to the wayside
So I keep silent and sit here in your presence feeling so alone
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
I dare to love… I choose to love
You
I dare to be free… I choose to be free
To be with you
I dare not hide…I choose not to hide
To save the face of bigots who
do not understand our love
I dare to share …I choose to share
My life with you
I dare to dream … I choose to dream
That one day you’ll wear my ring
have the all the same rights that it should bring
I dare to hope … I choose to hope
That one day very soon equality will be
for all and not a few
I dare all this because you dared to choose me
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
Imagine if you and I could fly back to that time
To witness that fixed point in the universe
When “The Fates” whispers decided our destiny lay together
I wonder if it was as profound as that moment our eyes met and we knew, we just knew
I wonder if it was as captivating as our first kiss, the first feeling of your lips, I still have the taste of you
I wonder if it had all that same intensity as we when
first laid naked sharing ourselves
I still can feel your touch on my skin,
the feeling is still the same every time I lie with you
I wonder if it felt as beautiful as the passion we feel
Every second
Every minute
Every hour
Every day
I wonder
Imagine if it did, what a magical,
wondrous sight that would be to behold
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
A long time ago before you were born I met my first demons
They climbed off the wallpaper that hung in my room
I knew as soon as dark arrived, I’d’ hear their whispers,
I feel them crawling upon my bed
I hold the blankets so tight over my head
To save them entering into my thoughts
My mother said it was my imagination that demons don’t come from wallpaper nor do they enter your head
She said I had nightmares,She bought a night light to protect me, she said
She was right these weren’t real demons these were just cartoon characters that came alive at night
Real demons are not scared of night lights they don’t come from imaginative thoughts they come from the darker side of you.
I thought it took strength and courage not lights to banish them away I thought I knew because demons had kept me company for years
But when I was older and I still kept the light on , checked under the bed,
in wardrobes and closets until the coast was clear they still came every night
wanting to tease
They’d crowd my chest until I couldn’t breathe, I’d fight for breath; head spinning, heart pounding , I’d reach for my special pills and then I would rest
It was like living in hell funny how though since you been by my side
These demons are no longer to be seen
I realise now it’s not night lights or pills
It’s you and your unconditional love
that keeps these demons away.
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
Sticks and stones
but the names did hurt me
they resonated in my head
for whole three decades
I carried your words around with me
Every vowel , and syllable
was shackled to my being
my heart had etched the names you called me
my seIf esteem cruelly snatched
I hated the way I looked
I resigned myself to never be loved
to accept a life of solitude
to never be worthy to witness the brightest days
or the moonlights sky’s
because of the names you called me
then your words were broken
because I began to believe in myself
love myself and be loved
to cherish everyday
to bask in the moonlight
to know its ok to be alone once in a while
after all your sticks and stones
That all they are
Your words are meaningless now
So may I thank you because your
Sticks and stones and names didn’t
Just hurt me, they taught me humility
and to never be like you.
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
You have captured me
Against my better judgement?
Probably!
You’ve poisoned me with the kiss from your lips
You have captured me
You’ve kidnaped my soul and mixed it with yours
You have captured me
You’ve have blindfolded me and teased my senses
You have captured me
You’ve played beautiful mind games and won
You have captured me
You’ve bound me with silks, but that was just your way of having fun
You have captured me
You’ve fed me your love so that I don’t die of starvation and loneliness
You have captured me
And yet doors have been left open, but neither of us chooses to run
It appears I’ve captured you too!
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
Driving from England towards Cymru
we leave our little suburb
and rows of shoe boxes for homes all tightly packed,
passed the polluted spew pouring from the factory chimneys and graffiti walls
It’s as if we leave the darkness behind
and follow our journey into the sun
an hour goes and already my heart races with joy
for I am back home where my ancestors were born,
where they grew
The air changes , all you can breathe and we do
we the breathe in green valleys and hills ; the land ,
cultivated waiting to be sown
the landscape changes so fast before our eyes
this time of year there are remnant’s of winter still lying on the ground
like white lines of coke ready to snort
but there are signs of spring everywhere to be seen
yellow daffodils line up and bow as if to greet you home
lambs with their mothers breaking the blanket of green,
and then further along our journey along the coast
turrets in the sides of hills we are there
the sea blue green ,and golden sands
embedded with footprints of beach walkers who have gone before
then the harbour with boats tied in line
and of course there’s our Angel Bay and its shore,
she’s been waiting for our return
This is Wales, land of my heritage ,
this is the home of my father ,
and this is the land of my grandmother
and this will always be home to me.
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
Always when I come to you
A hundred memories we share
Always when I come to you
A hundred more you bestow
Always when I come to you
You give me counsel
Always when I come to you
You listen to my sorrow
Always when I come to you
Take away my fears
Always when I come to you
I find a place I can feel free
Always when I come to you
I am away from constraint,
I am for once just me
Always when I come to you
I love
The smell of you
The taste of you
The touch of you, as your tides wash over my feet
as always I love to come to home and hide in Angel Bay
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved
She needs reassurance
She wants to know the answer to
Questions I don’t know
Like “Will I lose my hair again?”
“What treatment do you think I will have?”
“Will I have to stay in hospital?
She needs reassurance
I give half hearted answers sometimes, I lie
And reply,
“You might do, but only a little maybe”
“ I’m not too sure “
“I don’t think so”
It makes me feel bad but how can I say nothing,
remain silent when …
She needs reassurance
She sad, she has been weeping most of the day,
She tells me she doesn’t have the fight in her any more,
is older and life is too difficult sometimes,
I hold her so tight as if to take all of the burden from her.
I tell her my father is about, guiding, looking after her like always
She needs reassurance
I can tell the things that I do know though
That I will be by her side
At every appointment,
During every treatment
When she needs to be nursed, I will be there
I will brighten up her darkest days
I will be there when she’s cured
I will be there when we will beat this disease
This she can be assured
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
An impromptu posting.
Two days ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It is not a bad cancer (if cancer could ever be described as good)!
But in the scheme of cancers that has she has previously fought, this is a better cancer to fight (we hope, we have to remain positive)
She just went to the doctors with a mole on her wrist. A tiny thing that started to grow; now the doctor has reassured her it was ok but they referred to the hospital for further tests.
But they found another one further up her arm and more serious one on the side of her head. To be honest I had forgotten about that one and I was shocked at how much it had grown and how angry it looked) at the moment they don’t know what kind of growth /tumour this is and unfortunately its near where she has had it before. The one on the wrist and arm are contained which is good news
But they now have to do biopsy on what kind of skin carcinoma, (A horrible word) because I said they don’t know, but they have wait about 2 weeks before she can have this done ,as she needs a blood count done first, but to do this she has to stop a certain medication, .So we have what seems to be along 2 weeks to wait before we get any further news.
Obviously my mum was upset, as I was. I comforted and hugged her, gave her assuring words which she couldn’t take in. But now I have be seen as remaining strong, if I show her weakness to her or if she thinks I have been told something different than her ( my mum is profoundly deaf so I have to interpret for her ) she will worry and oh boy can she worry.
There is an added sadness to this , because it is just over 12 months ago that my mum’s oncologist gave her a clean bill of health after 20 years and told her she no longer had to take the cancer meds. After I took her out for coffee, I really wanted to take her to lunch to chat about what had occurred but neither of us felt like eating.
My girlfriend J arrive home and she tried talking to her (she is a cancer nurse); she seemed to be getting through to her but then the what if questions, came. I know my mum with time she will get things sorted in her head, and come out fighting, she won’t let it beat her. So as my mum use to say to me when I was little and I was scared , twiddley thumbs up everything with be ok. She will get her head around the procedures, and the treatments. She knows the score. She has had to deal with it six times before, far worst cancers than this and she is still here.
But friends, family, people are offering to light candles, say prayers. Now this may be their way of dealing with it but I keep telling them politely please don’t, save for those who will think it will give them comfort. I get no solace, from god screwing up again. I would ask the question why my mother has been set tests all her life. She is a woman who doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. A woman who has never abused her body yet she is tested. Well if it’s for courage she passes, if it’s for strength of character she passes with distinction., but me and god fell out along time ago.
Anyway were off to Wales tomorrow spend the day with my girlfriends folks, take my mum to pay her respects to my dad ( his ashes are scattered not far.) Hopefully go beach walking with J, clear my the head for the weeks to come. If I could get mum on the beach I’d take her beach walking too.
the evening is ending
the moon is high
the music plays soft
the lights are low
we are alone
these are the times
I’ve missed with you
“Dance with me,” you ask
Palm in palm we rise
my hands clasped your waist
yours around my neck
we moved slow and in unison
hips sway.
slowly eyes meet
bodies move in closer
our lips lock
tongues tease
buttons begin to be undone
a trail to bed we dance
neck kisses we share
As we continue to dance in unison
throughout the night
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
I wish I could eloquently express with words
How I feel about you
You deserve sonnets to written about you
By people who are masters of lusciousness
you deserve prose like summer rain
that flows with ease into streams
you deserve more than my attempts of poems of
the spoken word
I want to write you wonderful lengthy verses
of how beautiful are, I want to express what you mean
to me
I want to show you off to the world, through words
but in all honestly you know that’s not me!
I don’t deal in ‘airy fairy’ expressions of the heart
I don’t need or want to dress up words that truthfully in the end
lose meaning, get lost in translation from thought to parchment
in truth why have twenty six words when three only really matter
What I am really trying to say to you is I LOVE YOU
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
A thousand tears I have shed
since that fateful day I sat besides you on
what became your deathbed
A million memories whirl within my head
since that day the nurse told me were dead
A hundred regrets I have of things I should have said
I should have told you how much I loved you and more
since that day I have tried desperately to block out and ignore
An emptiness that lingers deep within my soul now exists
A sadness that invades my thoughts now persists
I shall remember a billion recollections of those times I treasure of you
in the hope they get me through
now that you have passed no longer to to return
People say time is a great healer but normality has now fled
it has been stolen
sorrow and silence is all that is left
So how can I resume to carry on
now that you have left me alone and bereft
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
Is there a way to measure love?
Is there an accurate way to measure it?
Is there a special equation ?
Is it measured with a ruler?
Is weighed using scales?
is it measured in kisses?
is it measured by the fluid created from passion?
is it measured by the friction of our bodies?
is it measured by our temptation?
is it weighed by our desire?
is calculated by the hours we make love?
I think not, how can you measure love
But if love were to be measured
It would be by using our senses
Look see I have applied this special
equation to you
it is by
by the sight of your beauty,
times
by the sound of your Welsh soft lit,
times
by the touch of your body
times
by the smell of your passion filled scent
times
by the taste of your kisses
equals I have now have the measure of you
and the conclusion is I’m love
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
Silent drowning
Stones in her pockets
Silent drowning
Virginia,she walked into Ouse
Silent drowning
Water filled her lungs
Silent drowning
She gasped for breath
Silent drowning
Heart beating fast
Silent drowning
Heart beats slowly
Silent drowning
Heart beat stops
Silent drowning
Virginia, she floating
Silent drowning
The madness will never reclaim her
Silent drowning
Virginia, the voices have finally ceased
Silent drowning
Virginia was finally at peace
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
Sshh if your quiet you may hear them coming
Out of the shadows they swarm
Scouting for their prey
The weak, the vulnerable all pummelled by doubt
Their whisper is sinister, they howl as they sing
Their march gathers momentum, gathers speed,
The ground shudders as they grow in numbers
The clouds darken ,
Quick hide your weak, your hopeless ,your lonely, and
Those who feel unworthy and unfilled
For it is the season for the demons to March
They attack at night when you are sleeping
They take no prisoners; they will feast on your thoughts,
They will your pillage your soul, they will leave nothing behind
For the demons are marching, you have been warned.
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
I remember if it was yesterday that last weekend in August
You told me you thought you were coming down with the flu
I told you phone in sick but you wouldn’t listen,
You worked a double shift instead you told me your patients needed you
I couldn’t stop you caring because that’s what you do
Sunday you rested you stayed in bed,
I brought you tea and stroked your hair
Sunday evening you were ashen, your lips a hint of blue
Your breaths were beginning to become shallow
I checked your heartbeat it was slow
All night I stayed awake with you
Monday morning arrived I rang the doctors, he said he was way on his and that
he’d phone ambulance it never arrived
You were drifting in and out of conciseness,
I recall shouting at you to stay with me, don’t you dare leave I cried.
Your heartbeat was dropping fast I was losing you
Then with a miracle it began to slowly rise
Your mum rang ,she was on her way, I told her to come quick
I helped you to the car,
At the hospital, they rush you through.
They asked who I was, I told them I was your girlfriend, your partner
They wouldn’t let me go through with you
They asked me if you had family
I told them they lived in Wales and that they were on their way
They asked me question about your medical history
But they still would not let me stay with you
I remember if it was yesterday that last weekend in August
When you nearly died and doctors wouldn’t let me stay with you
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
Just because I don’t wear black
doesn’t mean I do not mourn
Just because tears do not fall from eyes
doesn’t mean I haven’t cried a thousand times inside
Just because I don’t mention his name everyday
doesn’t mean I forgotten his memory it is present with me everyday
Missing him is a pain I have to endure
there is no cure
This is my normality now
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
Take this thought and carry it with you always
my secret to no one but you
Take this sealed envelope and hide it in a secret place
it is my love letter to no one but you
Take this a box lined with velvet inside a gift
inscribed with a message of affection to no one but you
Take my kisses and treasure them , they hold a thousand
songs I want to sing to no one but you
Take my body, every inch , every crease, and every impurity
it belongs to one but you
Take my soul when I die , carry it in your heart until we meet once more
because it will never belong to anyone else but you.
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
Feed my ego, build it up and tear it down
personally don’t give a damn
take me as you find me, I am who I am
you can all become obese on your egos
I rather starve and have my integrity
I write, correction try to write poetry
to release the thoughts that hide deep
in the cavities of my brain
I blog them not for adulation
I’m not doing it for that, not at all
it just that my poems are me stripped bare
all biographical, about my relationship with J
and some about the demons that have taunted me
I blog them because they deserve more
than my usual unruly dyslexic scribble on a page
I want them to make the words appear to be beautiful
that is all.
some deserve it because of the ugliness the have endured
words should always look beautiful,
if even the sound distorts them.
I’m not ungrateful, I am really, really touched
people actually do like them so much.
that in itself is a beautiful surprise
but truth I know they’re full of my dyslexic mistakes
but people actually still like them?
I really don’t understand why?
I deal in honesty and I feel my blog my words feel tainted
it makes sad, in truth it makes want to stop writing on here
and go back to my unruly dyslexic scribble on a page where the real beauty lies
©Copyright 2013 by June Bolland.
All rights reserved.
