May contain Rants

The Girl in the Photograph

31/03/201319/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

see the girl in the photograph

she is at her grandfather’s house

he is pulling funny facing trying to make her laugh,

make her smile

she’s just a few months over one

the girl in lace topped cotton socks

and highly polished shoes

her whole life before her

her future unknown

she didn’t know then

how she would learn to run and hide

when ever she heard violent noise

how she felt safe in her mother’s arms

how they forge bond so tight it would never be broken

because of the things they’d go through

how she didn’t like to go to school

because the bullies would be waiting

how the teachers would say she was stupid

how her mother would fight with them and tell her

she was bright.

little did she know that demons would try to become her friends

how they’d like to play with her mind

how their stay would become unwelcome

how she grow in strength and stature

how her heart would be filled with love for others

she’d sometimes forget to love herself

she didn’t know it then that the husband and

2.4 children would never occur

that she grow up being attracted to girls

that she would have her heart broken so many times ,

but she’d also break a few on her journey too.

this little girl didn’t know it back then that her mother would become ill

so weak, have to deal with so so much pain

lose her independence

that doctors would instruct to say her goodbyes to her

on more than one occasion

little did she know she would turn her back on G_d

because her question

“Why do you put my mother through so much pain,

what did she do to you that was so wrong?” would never be answered

that this little girl would one day solely care for her mother day by day

would dress, shower and unconditionally love her .

how she would lose and mourn love ones , forgive love ones and find new love ones

but I know one thing for sure that little girl is still smiling

even though sometimes have been difficult for her

I know because that little girl me.

May contain Rants

My Beautiful J

30/03/201302/11/2013 Fin2 Comments

She hides behind her confidence

Behind her designer clothes

her Jimmy Choos and Chloe bag

She puts on her make up with perfection

not too much, not too little

she is flawless

confidence trails behind her being

if you are lucky you may just catch some in your hands

from this golden haired Goddess with the sapphire blue eyes

But strip her bare

until you can see into the

dark parts of her soul

you witness the unhappiness that lurks from her past

her self-esteem had been abandoned

her image was distorted

her mind was broken

she kept its secret this thing that played and perverted her vision

she purged and expelled in secret locations

until it became an art form she could perform in any situation

the body broke along with her mind

one day they came and took her away

they fixed and restored her mind and spirit

she wasn’t left unscathed, it broke her heart, it can’t be fixed

it still beats, sometimes too slow, sometimes too fast

Although perfection nearly killed

confidence still trails behind

my beautiful J

May contain Rants

A complicated Relationship

30/03/201302/11/2013 Fin2 Comments

Why do you tease me, so that my brain bursts

I cannot concentrate

I have migraines so bad because of you

Your stay is brief and for the moment you are there I am mesmerized

And I then you are all too quickly gone

Your characters change too quickly, that l cannot keep up with you

You jump around you won’t stay still, why won’t you stay still?

I am in awe of you.

I look at you longingly trying understand you

but you melt away like candle wax

you put blocks in my way, the same colours of rainbow

I would love to read the contents of your hearts,

but you will not allow me that pleasure

I try to sing you but I do not understand your language

I will write poetry with you

I will not beaten

Why? Because I am not stupid, lazy or dumb

I hAve DySLexiA

And words I love you even if you sometimes don’t love me back.

May contain Rants

You

29/03/201330/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

The look from your eyes, dilates my soul and I see you

The exhale of your breath fills my lungs and I inhale you

Your kisses tease me and move me, and I taste you

The sight of your skin entices me and I caress you

The touch of your hand, it excites me and I request more from you

The movement of your body stirs me and I share every heartbeat with you

Your tongue, your fingertips arouse me and I respond to you

We share ourselves , content we fall asleep , and I am still holding you

May contain Rants

Hypocrisy

29/03/201319/06/2017 Fin2 Comments

Your hypocrisy sticks in my throat

It suffocates my soul and yes I DO have

Soul that does not need saving

With your hypocritical prayers

I have soul that has no boundaries, or restraints

A soul that does not judge on a person’s race, creed or sexuality

So please keep your doctrines and beliefs away from my door

And won’t enter through yours

Don’t’ make you Ego’s bigger than your Gods

You are no better than me and to be truthful

I have no problem with your beliefs;

I told you my soul does not judge

As long as you take a really good look at what

you’re reading and what you believe in,

that you dont believe all the hype and the lies

I am sure it isn’t hate

Go and receive your sacraments,

Receive your confession on a Saturday,

Rub the slate clean and start a whole new week with an unforgiving soul

But just don’t lecture me on Chapters in your book

Without taking a look on what’s a round you

Live your beliefs every day,

Question them every day,

Denounce something’s if you have to

But please don’t be hypocritical

Just don’t hate or pity me because your

scriptures told you to

May contain Rants

Extracts from a conversation

28/03/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

Are you friend or foe?

She asks staring intently

Ah you see that all depends

On your point of view

The thing in foreground replied

I would like it if you were to be a friend

I don’t think I would like you to be my foe

She claims

Mmm I shall give your request much consideration but

There again how do you know that I’m not already your adversary

Maybe it is I who should be accountable

For all your woes

exclaims the thing moving nearer

Maybe it is true

She confirms as she walks away leaving the thing behind in the mirror.

May contain Rants

Weep, Sleep ,Weep

28/03/201319/03/2016 FinLeave a comment

I remember the day it all began

It was like a loosen thread

It had been there for weeks

It had never bothered me before

Then I pulled and it began to unravel

Reminded me of magicians pulling ribbons from their sleeves

But I recall it wasn’t as pretty or as colourful

It was dark and ugly

The day that one thought spiralled out control

Until all that was left was a void, a big black hole

Pulling me into its atmosphere

They gave me pills to ground me,

They tried to coerce my being from me

They’d feed my brain ‘HAPPY THOUGHTS’

It didn’t work; I retreated to a dark corner

To weep

Sleep

Weep

Sleep

Then you arrived with eyes so blue,

And a caring heart it was you who pulled me through

And I began to laugh

Love

Laugh

Love life.

Love you.

May contain Rants

a very very subtle RANT! (Just Because)

27/03/201330/03/2013 FinLeave a comment

impromptu posting because in truth I’m in need of a full-blown expletive rant but there is a time and a place and my blog is not that place . So I’m keeping quiet (silent mouth mode on) trust me because I can go off on one( the clues in the name of my blog!!.)

Anyway I came across this poem, ( above) by accident (thought I’d share) I do that, trawl the Internet for poetry (I can’t get enough)I think it’s brill , I hope you think it is too! This one is about addiction( it’s been on my mind recently. I don’t drink , l like control and because in a way I had enough of it as a child that I’ve turned my back on it)

Anyway as I said in need of a rant , so here is a very very very watered down one

Just because

Just because I can write my name doesn’t mean I am a writer

Just because I can press click on a camera doesn’t make me a photographer

Just because I can draw stick men doesn’t mean I am an artist

Just because I have opinions doesn’t mean I should rude

( I was brought up with better manners than that!)

we are all talented in own special way,

We all have our reasons for it I am sure

but please keep your ego’s away from my door

nothing else nothing more

oh by the way thank you for your superficial like !

maybe I’ll get a trophy or a star

And well someone got to keep it real, that’s for sure.

But I’m in need of an outlet and I’m just saying, that’s all

ooops (silent mouth mode was off , wasn’t it !)

May contain Rants

Timelines

27/03/201320/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

At five I thought I had the best toy box ever, it didn’t have a lid, or painted motifs

Mine had handles and a zip. I remember taking it on overnight trips when we stayed with my mother’s family

At six I thought all daddies could be Jekyll and Hyde

and needed to drink in order to survive

At seven I thought people kept ornaments’ in houses to throw

I look at objects of the past now and think why would you throw something

so beautiful with all the intensions of hate

At eight I realised there was a fine between love and hate

kisses meant love and slaps, kicks punches equalled hate

At nine and ten I remember how much I despised you but

how I craved your love

Then came my teens, well I never gave a thought of you

I was going through enough shit, thanks to you

At twenty I pitied you, your need for solace from the bottle

I could see in your eyes how much you wanted to rid yourself of your demons

At twenty one I admired you, your demons gone, you’d asked for help

you became the man my mother knew was always there.

That’s why she never gave up on you

At twenty two until I was twenty three I came to forgive you because you couldn’t forgive yourself.

Then came twenty four until

you died we finally achieved the relationship we should have always had

Then in my thirties you were gone

and now here I am in my forties and I miss more than ever before

May contain Rants

the power of words = Love , Passion and being Alive!

26/03/201327/03/2013 Fin2 Comments

Another impromptu posting . I originally started this blog back in November because I have written forever and I wanted to write again, I needed to write again , not for anyone else but just to clear my head of its thoughts. I don’t have an ego although I write poetry …go figure ,What i mean is I dont write for popularity etc etc , Take me or leave me . I don’t profess to be any good, my poems are straight from the heart from me , ,all bio or semi biographical so maybe the ego does come through , but i like/hope to think they are a release more than anything.. I’m honoured people like, that’s a plus ,so thank you x

In 2009 I stop writing , for two reasons my mother was seriously ill and I took 15 months of work to nurse her, she pulled through, proving she is the strongest woman I know alive or dead and two I finally began grieving my father for the for time since in his death in 2004, it took me 5 years to get to that point.

Earlier posts have described our relationship from me being a child to me an adult , when died. I’m glad we found peace with each other and that we had at least 15 good years to rebuild our relationship, I loved him so much and miss even , more now . I forgave him for my childhood , because he couldn’t forgive himself. Anyway I also started a new relationship in 2009 with a nurse who looked after my mother , she’s the muse in most of my poems and my soul mate .

Anyway we split in Feb for stupid personal reasons,not my choice, she moved out of my house and I started writing again to keep a) Sane and b) to keep busy . Unbeknows to me the girlfriend had been reading and realised how I felt ,and as result were back together , we’ve gone back to basics to discover why we fell in love with each other again. (No doubt future poems) So the moral of the story Words will always win.

Anyway the link is Andrea Gibson , who I bow to, I could listen to her forever , anyway I love her poetry , so heres just one of them, which is appropriate for discovering a new lover …..enjoy.

May contain Rants

The wait

26/03/201302/11/2013 Fin2 Comments

An hour you left me waiting

It seemed like forever

I did not know what I should I do

Should I come to you?

But I feared your voice, so I waited

Until the sky started to leave me

I was upset , I was crying

I knew I had to leave with the sky too

So began the walk, I remember the old buildings

Each one marking a step closer to you

Then I saw our door, it was locked

I looked through the window , there was you in your inebriated state

Blissfully lying unaware what had unfolded

I waited for an hour, cold and hungry

Then my mother arrived

and there was THE noise,

After that I never got picked up from the school gates again

May contain Rants

Guide me

25/03/201301/07/2017 Fin2 Comments

I have lost all senses

guide me

Set your map out before me

lead me across the passages and the outline of its planes

but allow me to rest a while and admire mamelon

Allow me to trace every nook and cranny

and me breathe in the redolence of its valleys

let me be in awe of its beauty

take me by the hand

and

lead me down the path of the terrain

until I reach my destination and I am south

and I become lost again

May contain Rants

A Cure for Demons

25/03/201320/04/2017 FinLeave a comment

I am not one of those people who inherited pictures and trinkets

Some precious family heirloom handed down the generations

I inherited demons, the sort of demons that cant be wrapped in brown paper

to be stowed away in attics or draws and forgotten.

My demons keep my shadows company when there is no sun

Bequeathed on me are demons that try to break me

They whisper to me in the darkness, try to persuade me

with their demonic thoughts.

These malignant creatures cannot be tamed or squashed

no measurement of potions, lotions or absolutions will defeat

them in their cause.

I tried to guard myself with sobriety, but even then, the need to abstain is torturous

but over the years I come to realise that my demons don’t like love ,you see

it makes the scuttle towards my shadows looking for company

For they don’t like me to be happy.

May contain Rants

Reason’s, Seasons, and Lifetimes

24/03/201321/06/2017 Fin2 Comments

They say people come into your life for reason, a season or a lifetime

You are reason my for being

Fate brought you to me when I was drowning ,

You grasp me by the hand and held on tight,

I struggled in the depth but with your kisses you breathe life into my body

Your presence is every season

You are my winter blanket; you protect me in my winter bleakness,

when my ruminations are dragged into the ice where creature’s lurk waiting to feast on my thoughts

You are my spring you bring new life , you allow me to be reborn

You are the key that allows me to relive my youth in all its wonderment

You opened the box, that time had forgot, the one I had locked in all my precious memories

You are my summer, holding me in your warmth,

you are my lazy summer afternoons, your kisses quench my thirst

You are my autumn, with leaves golden that remind me of the colour of your hair, you are

the orange amber fires that roar like the passion you share with me

You are my lifetime. you are my path I walk on , keeping my focus and away from harm

And yours is the image when my time on this Earthly Plane is drawing to an end

your eyes, your smile and your beauty is the last thing I want to see

May contain Rants

The ‘Talk’

24/03/201302/11/2013 Fin4 Comments

she arrived, distraught in need of arms to hug

I held her

she cried tears she’s needed to Iet flow

I comforted her

she became composed and smiled and said “ I’m ok now, thanks for letting me stay.”

I smiled back and “ I couldn’t let you be on your own.” I replied

she kissed my forehead and said “That’s for you be you, for still caring.”

I sighed and said “I will always care for you.”

Her eyes then met mine, she knew my thoughts

I sighed again

We kissed …. (God I’ve missed her lips)

Fingers interlocked ,we raised , stood

moving towards the door , she led me upstairs

I refrained

“I can’t do this do this to us, we still need to talk. “ I said

She turned to me and “ Well ,lets go talk ” she replied as she takes my hand once more

kicking closed the door shut behind her ….

May contain Rants

A Noble Profession

23/03/201319/06/2017 Fin2 Comments

Rang J this evening to find out about

the arrangements for tomorrow

“Happy Birthday” I exclaimed “How was work?

She answered “Thanks”

Her voice was full of sorrow

“What’s wrong?” I asked

“An old lady die on my Birthday” she blurted out

She’s never gotten use to the death

It’s a noble profession being a nurse,

nurturing life and at the same time mourning it too

She was the only one with her when actually she died

She had no one else to be there, she said

she hung on for ages but she cancer it was prevalent

They called her family but they were stuck in the snow

I tried to appease her but she was in too much in grief

“Do you want me to come round ?” I said

“Can I come to you ” she replied ,

Yes I answer “Do want come stay the night?”

“I don’t like the thought of you being on your own”

”I’d like that” she said ” I don’t think I should on my own tonight too”….

May contain Rants

The Battle

23/03/201302/11/2013 Fin4 Comments

I cowered curled hiding behind the couch

I was a child when you began ravaging my haven

The gallery for the pictures that I drew

They’d been hung with love and wonder

But you didn’t care if they became your casualties

You were hungry looking for your next feast

Searching for demonic bottle or the ransom to barter for it

I heard raised voices,

the loudness ,

the screams ,

the shouts of your demands

it was violent noise

I screwed my eyes so tight, as if the dark would plunge me into another land

But it didn’t , then came the slap,

I heard it ricochet off her skin

I knew I had to come from behind my parapet

Like David you were my Goliath

I stood before you my creator

I would not allow my habour of love be destroyed by you

I did not need stones to break you

A look into your eyes, into your soul is all it took

I witness the demons leave

With a fall to the knees you cried

Whilst my mother held you

May contain Rants

Thinking too much

22/03/201322/03/2013 Fin2 Comments

Some thinking is not good for me, dark thoughts are not good for me, but you know that

Too much thinking breaks me, but you know that

It takes me to places so dark, and I hate the dark, but you know that

I was trying to recall how long I have been skipping between the shadows

It seems like an age, but you know that

I was thinking about my father today, about my chiIdhood,

his absence and his presence , how it’s still so painful , but you know that

How I have nightmares and midnight panic’s about how I’m back there, but you know that

That why I do my thinking by the sea ,

I like the swell to carry my dark thoughts , but you know that

How I like to spill my fears and thoughts on the page, but you know that

I was thinking that if you were here you’d have your arms around me , protecting me from dark thoughts, that you’d banish them away like you always do, I know that.

May contain Rants

Early Morning conversation

21/03/201321/06/2017 Fin2 Comments

My phone beeps

Half asleep I reach out, stumbling for my phone

3:45 in the morning, it’s a text message from you ,

Your message read “R U awake? I can’t sleep

Ring me if U R! “

I ring you back

You answer Hi your awake! I can’t sleep,

Yes I abruptly replied” I gathered” (well it is 3:45 in the morning!)

You go onto tell me you liked my poem

You agree we really do need to talk .

We arrange a date for this Sunday, time yet unsure

Then we continue to chat a little more

You tell me how you’ve not been sleeping and how your mind wanders

You then enlighten me that’s it’s 1 month, 2 weeks, 6 days since we last had sex

It’s right about then that I’m feeling a bit vexed

and I’m struggling to find a reason why I adore you , but I do! (well it is 3:45 in the morning!)

May contain Rants

Requistion's of love

20/03/201315/07/2019 Leave a comment

I want you to know our love is worth fighting for

I want you to know we seriously need to talk

I want you to listen my requisitions as I’ve listed below

I no longer want our love to be captured in a letter to be kept in my pocket

I want kisses on my neck not a chain holding a picture of you in a locket

I cannot cope with the empty sentiments of love

I need your nakedness lying on top of my body

I need the purity of your heart kept in an exquisite box marked fragile

I want the rawness of love wrapped in a bow of beauty

I want to whisper sweet commands in your ear in the stillness of the night

I want us to face the future whatever it may hold

I want you as my lover not my muse

I want to go back to way things were once more

I want to stop going around in ever decreasing circles

I want all our fears to be banished away with the shadows

I want to walk tall down the same life path as you

Finally I want grow old with you

May contain Rants

Requistion’s of love

20/03/201327/06/2019 FinLeave a comment

I want you to know our love is worth fighting for

I want you to know we seriously need to talk

I want you to listen my requisitions as I’ve listed below

I no longer want our love to be captured in a letter to be kept in my pocket

I want kisses on my neck not a chain holding a picture of you in a locket

I cannot cope with the empty sentiments of love

I need your nakedness lying on top of my body

I need the purity of your heart kept in an exquisite box marked fragile

I want the rawness of love wrapped in a bow of beauty

I want to whisper sweet commands in your ear in the stillness of the night

I want us to face the future whatever it may hold

I want you as my lover not my muse

I want to go back to way things were once more

I want to stop going around in ever decreasing circles

I want all our fears to be banished away with the shadows

I want to walk tall down the same life path as you

Finally I want grow old with you

May contain Rants

I need to go beach walking …..

20/03/201320/03/2013 FinLeave a comment

Another impromptu posting with none of my attempts at poetry!

I seem to have found myself with a day off work , so I’m off on a trip back ‘home’ to North Wales, for a “Welsh fix”.

I need to be by the sea and I need to go ‘beach walking’ because I’m starting to dwell on things too much and that’s not good. I’m allowing things to happen that I don’t want to happen namely the separation of J and I.

I wish one of us had been unfaithful , I wish we could get angry. I wish we had a good enough reason for making ourselves miserable but we don’t truth be told the only thing that’s keeping us apart is the fear of the future ( you’ll have trawl through my earlier postings its far too early and complicated for me to explain!)

In the four years we were together we’ve had one previous separation which lasted for six months ( I basically lost the plot for a short while and she gave me space to sort myself out) other than that the odd silly little spat but no arguments. Friends/family say we’re perfect together , we compliment each other , we’re miserable when not sharing each other. Don’t get me wrong we weren’t joined at the hip. But it was just good knowing that what ever we did during the day was for the mutual care of one another, that we had each other to rely on , oh that someone other than family loved you, someone who thought you were worth the effort , she is that someone.

I’ve had previous partners of varying in times, 10 years, 7 and some no longer than a year, to be honest always been a bit cynical of relationships until J . I use to hear stories of how when people met and they’d say I knew she was the one and never understand I do now, I want to grow with her ,simple as.

Anyway there’s an unknown quote ” I never thought love was worth fighting for but then I look into your eyes I’m ready for war ”

Well I am ready to fight for us and a trip to the sea and walking on the beach is just what I need to sort out my strategy.

May contain Rants

Selfish Wishes….

19/03/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

I wish for a Tardis to travel in time

I wish for the words complication and compromise did not exist

I wish my mother was well and able to walk

I wish my father was still here so could both meet

I wish I was brave and had a head for heights

so I could shout from the roof tops “ I LOVE YOU”

I wish our earth years were more equally matched

I wish your heart was mended and completely healed

I wish I could hold you and convince you everything will be alright

I wish could convince myself of the same thing too!

I wish you’d just come home so we could talk things through

And finally I wish you were lying here by my side tonight

May contain Rants

Venus in Jimmy Choo’s

19/03/201319/03/2013 FinLeave a comment

Home from work much too early

Catching up on mundane chores of life

Fresh clean bedding is laid on the bed

I recollect how we writhed around in the crisp Egyptian cotton sheets

Like wild animals in an eloborate mating dance

The scent of your shampoo still remains on your pillows

where you once lay your head

I realised how orderly everything now is

Except the thoughts that keep invading my head

There’s too much room on the dresser where a melody of colours once lived

Abundance of space now invades the wardrobe that was once ours and

Coat hangers now hang redundantly

Space in the draws where your lingerie resided

Room in the cupboards where your

Handbags and Shoes use to que, once all in order of size and height of heel

I remember how when we were preparing for a evening of pleasure

The air would would thick with your fragrance

And out of the mist my Venus in Jimmy Choo’s would appear

May contain Rants

Green Eyed Monster

18/03/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

New person on the scene turns your head

All my hopes and thoughts of you and I are struck down dead

Dreams turn into nightmares which you don’t know

and if you did would you care ?

Declarations however subtle of how I loved you

were spoken from the heart

But now they no longer speak

There is a wound so deep

I should be grown up and wish you well

But my green eyed monster stirs within me

and Shouts out loud ” I hope you die and go to Hell !”

May contain Rants

Speak to me through hands

18/03/201321/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

Slight difference to the norm .Apart from Poetry and Literature in general the other passion I have in life is Sign language . I’m studying hopefully to be an interpreter /communication officer of deaf teenagers and adults in further education asI feel strongly that everybody has the right to communication

Anyways I have the first part of a three part exam this evening so I thought I wrote a poem about Signing and the meeting of the two worlds…hopes you enjoy. Finn x

Speak to me through hands

Speak to me through hands

From fingertips to closed palm

To the features of your face

Break through the barriers of our worlds

With a symphony of mime

Unlock the secrets I cannot understand

Show me the ways of your words

As I allow you to understand mine

Dance your sentences for me

Express them through the movement of your body

A language that is not mine

Speak to me through hands

May contain Rants

I Dreamt of you

18/03/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

I dreamt of you last night

For those few brief hours

Back to how it was before

all the confusion commenced

To have our future still unplanned

and have all doubt cast aside

I dreamt of you last night

It felt so good to hold you

To feel you touch once more

To witness your nakedness

All senses awoken again

I dreamt of you last night

May contain Rants

Remember

17/03/201302/11/2013 Fin4 Comments

Remember our first date

Remember I gave you flowers and you blushed

Remember I told you how beautiful you looked

It so was strange seeing you out of your uniform,

Remember Jack Penate’s song was playing on the radio

‘Be the one!’ and it became ‘our song’

Remember how you kept circling the edge of your cup

And how I immediately started to mirror you

Remember how the crumbs of the cake lingered on the corner of your mouth

And I wiped the side of your lips with my finger tips and I just lingered there too

Remember how our gaze locked, which for me was usually hard to do

But you have the deepest eyes of blue

Remember on the way back to your home

holding hands

Remember our first kiss was in the rain

Remember how you told me how new this was to you

Remember me taking you by the hand

Remember, Remember, remember this and more

May contain Rants

Sunday morning

17/03/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

Hello you mumbled down phone

Did you a have nice birthday you enquire

I could hear shot’s in your voice

Have you been drinking I ask

One or two you replied

It did however sound more than a few

I check the clock and remark

It’s quarter to two

I know you replied with tears in voice

I just needed to ring to say I love you.

So here I’ve been awake thinking about you

Worrying if you are ok

Wondering if when agreed our separation

I should have stopped caring for you

Wondering if your home

Worrying if you’ve taken your medication

Worrying you have taken your medication

On a stomach full of alcohol

Wondering if it would be ok for me to ring you say I love you too

May contain Rants

Emotional overload

17/03/201321/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

Push me too far

I may fall of the edge

Pay me too little attention

I will cry out for help

Emotional overload boils within the darkest

deepest place in me

No control of how to be

For dark shadows are surrounding me

Emotional overload drains me of my being

Strips me of all normality and identity

Emotional overload is slowly killing me

May contain Rants

Between the heart and the head

16/03/201302/11/2013 Fin2 Comments

A Happiness lies curled up with us in our living room watching tv

affection is present in our kitchen

Laughter is constant in the garden

But we both cannot avoid what needs to done

for hearts and heads get in the way

Yet Joy it waits on the staircase

Whilst passion is waiting for us upstairs

For Sensuality is bountiful in our bedroom

But we both cannot avoid what needs to done

for hearts and heads get in the way

Now a silence sits between us

A sadness awaits in the hall

and regret it lingers at the door

But we both cannot avoid what needs to done

for hearts and heads get in the way

For confusion is taking you away…

May contain Rants

As she lies sleeping

15/03/201330/04/2017 Fin2 Comments

As she lies sleeping

She is now peaceful

I weep

For tomorrow I do not know if

I will see her blues eyes smile at me once again

As she lies sleeping

I watch her breathing

The monitors beep

For tomorrow I do not know if

her heart will beat for me once again

As she lies sleeping

surrounded by machines keeping her here

I hold her hand and remember

For tomorrow I do not know if

I will ever feel her touch upon my skin once again

For tonight I will stay and watch her lie sleeping

And tomorrow I pray she is brought back to me once again

May contain Rants

Let me introduce you to my muse

11/03/201321/06/2017 FinLeave a comment

Quick posting today and no poetry although my head is full of ideas . Anyway I’m going away for a few days as it’s my birthday on Wednesday , I will be 47 (O.M.G when did that happen ?) So I am taking my mum to Cardiff Bay , Wales for a couple of days and then we’re off to Bath, in Somerset for two more days. It will be lovely to spend some quality time with her ( I love her to pieces , you’ll have to look at my earlier blogs to understand why!)

The break was originally planned when I was still witg my ex (who we will refer to as J, ( ex sounds so final and abrupt) as combi get away because it was mothering Sunday yesterday here in the UK . It is my birthday as I said on Wednesday and it would have been J’s 26 birthday at the end of the month.

The trip is bitter-sweet because we we’re both looking forward to a few days away after such a horrendous 6 months. So going without her will be sad, although she did call round with my card and birthday present today.

Firstly J has an irregular heartbeat which decided to cause havoc and she was seriously ill and we nearly lost her..

The only positive thing to come out it was J’s mum finally accepted

A) Me as she realised how much I loved her daughter

B) The 21 year age gap between us

C) That her daughter was a lesbian

and let’s face it the above weren’t important things in comparison to what we had been dealing with.

Pleased to say J is doing ok , and is well.Took a good three months for her to recover.

The other major thing was that my mother who is paraplegic had health issue’s just before Christmas which as I am her only carer put a huge strain on J’s and my relationship, because we we’re both stressed out .

But I have always been very open with J right from the start of our relationship I cannot compromise the care of my mother for anyone or anything. As J is in the Health profession she fully understood the complications,but because of everything that had gone on in the last 6 months she couldn’t cope and coupled with the age gap , her being at the beginning of her life path and me in the middle of mine and also now with the added problem of her health issue’s , we both sat down and agreed that we should part and that she go have space, live a little go places where I love to take but can’t because of my role as a caregiver. I don’t want her to miss out on anything life offers her . So we have separated , now only time will tell if this is permanent or not at the moment I have to tell myself it is permanent, cos with time the pain will ease.

We still love each other deeply she is my soul mate , without question but J has to get whatever fears, doubts out of her system now. I would rather her do this now and it be of her own choice than instead of resenting me 5 , 10 years down the road.

Anyway my poetry is keeping me focused. Can I take this opportunity to thank all those of you have liked my poems and to those of you who have now as result decided to follow my blog… Thank you ,it means a great deal as I having been dabbling with poetry for years but I’m very self critical and did not feel it worthy of sharing, anyway I have new creative confidence in posting more .

Anyway hopefully i will find another muse whilst I am away and hopefully I will come back refreshed and armed with new work.

Finn x

May contain Rants

I miss you…

10/03/201302/11/2013 Fin2 Comments

I miss the synchronized rhythm of your hips

I miss kissing the inside of your thighs

I miss looking deeply into your blue eyes

I miss all our stupid conversations , everything that was said

I miss the fact you no longer share our bed

I miss how you’d hold me real tight

I miss making love to you in the middle of the night

I miss the softness of your breast’s in the palm of my hands

I miss how you get me , when no one else understands

I miss , I miss

I miss you…

May contain Rants

Fuck you..

10/03/201327/06/2019 FinLeave a comment

Today am furious

Today you’ve push buttons I didn’t know I had

You write to me wanting to hook up !

Are you fucking serious?

Today I am MAD

Did you know it was 28 December 1994

We were out having lunch and it’s when I saw you for the very last time

(well I was out , but for as you I really didn’t have fucking a clue!)

Ten years I hid your persona, hid our relationship

That’s equals 521.77457 weeks (I got that bit off google!)

Ten years of me unconditionally loving you

In hindsight you should have bought yourself a fucking poodle!

We waited patiently in the restaurant, with you fidgeting more and more

Then you nervously stood as this man entered the door

You introduced me to him

at the time I couldn’t remember his name, it could have been Jim

But just for the record he ,” affectionately” became known as Mr Prick!

You then candidly told me you and him were an item

All I could think of was that you actually had intercourse with HIM!!

And for your next trick…

You then informed me that you were both getting married

On that note , without any further ado

With coat in hand off I hurried , with a boo hoo

Now fourteen years later

I heard he’s no longer in love with you

So it’s a case of see you alligator

You write and tell me you are now through

Again you don’t seem to give a shit what happen to me

Fucked up relationships, well I’ve had three

So no I haven’t exactly been singing and dancing from the rafters

Nope, I didn’t audition for fucking Glee!

But for your information I did eventually meet someone

Who is one score younger than both you and me

So it’s not been all doom and gloom

She is beautiful and kind you see

Unlike you she has a heart so pure ,

As for your’s difficult to find I am sure

Although me and her we’re not together anymore

We still love each other to infinity and beyond

(Thank you Light Buzz Year for your contribution to this poem)

It’s just that life keeps getting in the way , so if takes 10 years or 5 years

My door will always be ajar for her

However for you it is staying firmly closed shut

But don’t forget what I said about considering getting a mutt!

May contain Rants

Beach Walking

09/03/201302/11/2013 Fin2 Comments

I remember four years ago it must be now since the first time

we travelled over to Wales together

It was just after we started dating

I recall we went beach walking

our footsteps in unison in the sand

I recollect it started to rain

and we ran hand in hand

Until we found shelter in the cove at Angel Bay

I remember kissing you in the bay

as your lips were always so hard to resist

I remember six months ago when I nearly lost you

we travelled over to Wales together

it was when you had just come home from hospital

I recall you wanted me to take you beach walking

our footsteps in unison in the sand

I recollect you being weak and needing to rest so

we stopped at the cove at Angel bay

I remember kissing you in the bay

as your lips were always so hard to resist

I remember two weeks ago when we made one last journey

We travelled over to Wales together

it was when we decided we had no choice but to part

I recall we needed to go beach walking

our footsteps in unison in the sand

I recollect the tears we both shed

as we hid from prying eyes in the cove at Angel bay

I remember wanting to kiss you in the bay

as your lips were always so hard to resist

May contain Rants

Missing someone

07/03/201302/11/2013 FinLeave a comment

Today I am missing someone

Someone who gave me purpose to get up in the morning

and face the chores of the day

Someone who’s touch and kisses are now all too quickly

fading into sweet memories

Someone who’s beauty charmed me

and kindness always protected me from harm

Someone who’s love was my saviour

Today I am missing her

May contain Rants

The White Box

07/03/201311/03/2013 FinLeave a comment

I didn’t throw your memory away

I keep it in my head and within my heart

I kept some thing’s and tidily put them away

in a white box with Buddha sitting on the top

Things you held, things you wore and things that still have your smell are in

the white box with Buddha sitting on the top

Silly really I kept these things in case you came back

But I have now come to realise this will never be the case

You will never hold those things or wear those clothes that I kept for you

in the white box with Buddha sitting on the top.

May contain Rants

Seeing Red feeling Blue

06/03/201302/11/2013 Fin2 Comments

As my emotions spiralled out of control

And my conscience didn’t know right from wrong

All I knew was that I could not come to you

Your arms were not there to console

I had to pick myself up and be strong

I thought you cared , I thought you loved me

But how could you leave me sobbing like a child

How could you be angry , your reactions were so wild

How could you go on seeing red when I was feeling blue.

May contain Rants

Open heart …Closed mind

05/03/201302/11/2013 Fin3 Comments

Your body moving my body, there was no disguise

A shameless love is what we shared right from the very start

Silent words that we spoke

We talked using our eyes

Feelings held deep we awoke

Then I recall you began to hold me under lock and key

There was no control over your jealousy

You were not content until you caused me so much anguish

All feelings I had for you I relinquish

I had no choice you drove me away

I needed to leave you behind

I could not stay

I left you with a closed mind

May contain Rants

Let me introduce you to my loneliness…

04/03/201303/05/2017 FinLeave a comment

Will I will tell you of my loneliness

of how it’s pain is unbearable

Will I tell you how it hacks at my brain and

devours my thoughts

Will I tell you how it suffocates my soul

when I am most vulnerable

Will I tell you with my reason, how it teases

and cavorts

How it sits opposite me at the table

How it lies with me at night

How it greets me in the morning

The wanting is endless

The solitude is tedious

The sadness wells and breaks

against every heartbeat

This is my loneliness I eat with

This is my loneliness I sleep with

This is my loneliness I cry with

This is my loneliness

May contain Rants

Bodies Entwined

03/03/201303/05/2017 FinLeave a comment

When I first caught your eye

I knew I wanted a taste of the pie

It was an attraction born of the flesh

we both have to admit

So here we lie bodies entwined

knowing the pieces don’t fit

But still we became one

The seed of our love was sown, the deed

had been done

We both agreed that it wasn’t meant to be serious

Somehow we both got caught in something so delirious

So why can I not make myself clear,

I can’t allow myself to fall in love with you

what is it that still keeps me here

So here I remain still wanting more

why can I not walk away from you,

Is it that hypnotised look you give me

with those eyes so blue

Or is it your sweet voice whispering J’adore

So here we still lie , bodies entwined

until we again become one.

May contain Rants

I will….

02/03/201302/11/2013 Fin10 Comments

Leave me alone in a room full of people and

I will try to make conversation , I will try to mingle

I will try not to look at you and smile , a smile that shouts ” I love you”

and if people ask I will tell them that I am single

And when your family questions me , I will pretend and tell them that we are just

good friends

I will try not to feel hurt

If I see you flirt

I will do nothing if you denounce me

For I know when the evening ends and we are free

It will be you and me in a room full of passion

And I know our love no longer needs to be hidden.

May contain Rants

Old friends chatting…

01/03/201320/04/2017 Fin1 Comment

( for David 06/03/1962- 08/02/2002 – forever loved and always missed)

Its been 19 months since we were last in tune

We sat and skirted around varied subjects

The usual chatter of old friends on a sunny afternoon

Then in an instant the conversations ceased

Like the stopping of the hands on the old timepiece

No more conversations were to be shared

All that was left was my despair

As I write this I know you are looking over my shoulder

And I feel the air become a little colder

I wished I had spoken of how much you meant

Instead of discussing the amount of Euro’s you had spent

So here now I will write of how beautiful and loved you are

And how not one day goes by without a

thought for you

And how life without you is just too bizarre

I wipe away the tears

As I think of all those lost years

of how when we were young we’d dreamed

of sharing our life

And of how one day I would become your wife

But now the weekend arrives and I bring you flowers

Again my tears begin to overpower

The only way I seem to get by and cope

Is to pray and live in hope

That one day we will again be in tune

And will be forever together sitting

on a cloud watching old friends

chatting on sunny afternoons

Continue reading “Old friends chatting…” →