Well its been about two maybe three weeks since my last blog. Christmas has come and gone and I will try to do a separate blog about how this Christmas went, hopefully sometime before New Year (all being well). But first I need to address two things regarding my last blog and also introduce you properly to my mum. Firstly I want to say thank you to some of my friends who sent private messages to me, your words meant a lot.
Secondly and more importantly posting the last blog although as cathartic as it was , did leave me feeling raw. I was racked with guilt and felt I had betrayed my dad and his memory because, one I don’t want people thinking my mother was a weak fragile doormat … she wasn’t and that I had a terrible childhood … I didn’t , yes there were lots of moments and episodes that I wish hadn’t happened but they did and yes subconsciously they did affect me and excuse me if I beat my own drum but I actually think I’ve ended up quite a well grounded sort of person considering everything that has happened, I know I’m definitely stronger than most people give me credit for.
I also don’t want people thinking my dad was an awful man because that was not the case, especially in the years he stopped depending on drink. When my dad died he wasn’t the man who drank .He was the man who had hidden behind the drink for all those years. Looking back I strongly do feel that he had suffered from depressive episodes during his life, probably as result of his dad being murdered when he was 16 and unfortunately unlike my mum’s family ,he never received the correct support so he found solace in things that weren’t necessarily right but helped him with pain he felt at that moment and thus the vicious circle commenced!
You have to remember my father had been sober , free from addiction for a good few years when died,. He was a man who stood by his wife when she needed him most and remained there until he died, (despite their break up’s and there were many and their turbulent relationship, the violence which was definitely the worst aspect of his alcoholism, they never stopped loving each other.) I am very aware that my dad could easily have remained hidden behind a bottle because things got tough and believe me those early days/month’s and year’s of my mum’s illness were the toughest years I know I witnessed,but he didn’t, he dealt with his demons and was there when we both needed him the most and as result I became the woman I am now. Away from this illness that had taken so much of him , we discovered a wonderful man. A man of tolerance, kindness and generosity. A final testament to my dad’s character was the number of people who attended his funeral…. there were over 200 people in attendance , I still feel overwhelmed when I recall seeing all of them outside the church that August afternoon. So despite everything that happened , the bad memories I hold which unfortunately stain his character at Christmas, I will always be proud be his daughter.
Now as to every coin there are two sides, as this is the case with my character, the fundamental things that make me tick and ultimately what makes me want to write and make me value the things I believe in and I’m not necessarily referring to religious beliefs when I say that . I feel I should introduce you to my mum . How can I put it , she is singularly THE most important person in my life, (now I have a girlfriend who I adore and thankfully understands this and does not feel threatened by it.)
My mum has single-handedly taught me more about life and how to conduct myself through it than any other person alive or dead. But that’s to be attributed to the way she has conducted herself through her life .I feel it only right that I start at the beginning to explain what I mean when I say that. Now as a child at about 6 years old she became very ill and she developed T.B meningitis, she lost her mother at the age of 9 and also her eldest sister who was just 22 when she died , both her mother and sister also had T.B. My mum had an experimental operation which saved her life , but it was at the cost of her hearing . Now my mum was lucky enough to have a father who had a no-nonsense kind of attitude to life , who had not only just lost his wife, his eldest child and was also witness to his youngest daughter (my mum) fighting for her life. He also kept his remaining three children together, held down a full-time job,and didn’t have the privilege of care leave or child care as is the case today, in the late forties early 1950’s these things did not simply exist. Anyway after my mum spent two yeas in hospital , as a no-nonsense kind of man he paid for my mum to go to boarding school as he had the hindsight to know she needed a head start because there were no special provisions for disabled people back then. As result my grandfather’s intervention she ended up working in a hearing environment as a secretary.Remarkable for its time , never once has my mum ever let her disability stand in way, but unfortunately society and it’s environment have!
My mum went back into work working in a film archives as a cutter/editor when I was 8, I became a latch key child, this was at a time when my dad’s drinking was at its worst and money had to be put on the table namely by my mum!
When my mother was 45 the after effects of the experimental operation she had as child came back to haunt her and she began find it difficult to walk. she had a spinal operation which found adhesion’s from the medication used were slowly killing her nervous system and again down to the wonders of medicine my mum survived but at a further loss of her ability to walk, subsequently as this was happening, she also battled breast cancer twice and ovarian cancer and yet she is still with us. With not word of complaint. Nor has there ever been any moments she has felt sorry for herself. A true survivor in every sense of the word and as a result values her life more preciously than any other person I know and as out of respect I try to live my life in the same way. (Sometimes it is more difficult , than you think, but somehow her strength always gets me through!)
It’s important you also know I do not write these blogs to gain sympathy or anything egotistical, I purely write , one for myself because I enjoy writing as it calms my mind (because I have inherited the depressive gene off my dad!) and two I need to have a rant every so often because let’s be frank most people in this world are feckin annoying and stupid and are so feckin preoccupied with whats wrong with their life that they forget was right with it. Although I find it’s best deal with such people head on sometimes it’s not always the time nor the place and sometimes nothing can beat a good old rant!!
So that’s it , my character summarized in two blogs, and will explain what I write and the reason I write about certain things in future blogs. Nothing to more to declare, except the most important word to me is FAMILY and although mine haven’t always had an easy ride of it , we have stuck it out , and dealt with things head on and just got on with our lives as most of us do, but I suppose it’s all down to the genes and I am very thankful for mine.