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Goodbye to 2012 and Hello 2013………..

Seeing as I have time on my hands , which is rare for me , I decided to another blog ,as it might be a while until the next one, as I have a feeling January , February are going fairly busy with work, study and the added headache of now flat hunting.

Well 2012 is coming to a close and 2013 is less than 24 hours away. I love New Year it’s one of my favourite Holidays. I suppose it suits my character , because what lays before you is like a brand new shiny clean page just waiting for you to fill with adventures and memories and I like brand new shiny things , I like the neatness of it all.

On the whole 2012 was actually ok, I have no complaints, it leaves me with lessons learnt , and lots of memories and finally I  gained contentment.

The start of 2012 was not the best  The months prior to 2012 were a struggle for me, which ran into January and February of 2012 , I had been diagnosed as peri-menopausal in September 2011 , which at my age was unusually young, even though I’m in my mid forties. Not only did I have the physical aspects to deal with, far more worrying were the effects the condition did to my mental state, I was going through a mini breakdown, I couldn’t function nor could I concentrate, which for someone like me, who likes order was a nightmare.I’d also split from my girlfriend, the girlfriend I’m  back with now .

My doctor prescribed me with anti depressants , which I have had in the past , but I’ve never really been a fan, personally I feel they gloss over things. Now I’m not  saying that they don’t have their place in some situations, but they are not for me.They made me tired, and worse of all the made me feel suicidal and I also started to smoke again,  I’d also hooked up with this women I had met 2 years prior , who ended up being a complete headfuck as was the relationship, the only saving grace is I didn’t sleep with her and in my state could have easily happened,  lets just I was in a really bad way. Anyway I took sometime off work about 4 weeks, came off the meds , finally got rid of the headfuck  and breathed a sigh of relief.

By March my head was cleared , my girlfriend who I split from in August 2011, I heard was dating Tom , Dick and Harriet , I tried to put her at the back of my mind but I was gutted when I had heard the rumours that she was seeing other people (All of which weren’t true), you see we never actually parted on bad terms, I sort of pushed her a way because that’s what I do , it all comes down to the issue of love again and also because of what I was going through. However March and my birthday arrived and I received flowers from her and we got back in touch , we met up and talked and talked all evening , and although it wasn’t planned we ended up sleeping together , but hey when are these  things ever planned , and we both knew from that moment we should be back together, we’d both been miserable without each other. Although we didn’t announce it immediately we took a little time before we publicly said we were back together and since then things have been great apart from a minor wobble on my part which was over before it really started,

Well April flowed into May and May into June etc etc  I managed to quit smoking in May, during the rest of this time my girlfriend and I had some problems to deal with her mum and her acceptance of her daughters sexuality and also because of our relationship as I am twenty years older than her , oh and that we come from totally different social backgrounds. You see I’m my girlfriends first serious lesbian relationship, and she had also just come out to her parents , so I can kind of understand where her mum was coming from at the time, she need time out to get her head  around things and also deal with her concerns for daughters future and she also had slight reservations regarding me being older and having previous past relationships and plus the fact that I am a carer. (dating and being a caregiver is one of my future blogs for 2013!)

Well we moved into July and August and this when the year didn’t seem to be going well . My girlfriend has a heart condition which decided to give her a few major problems.  It was very serious at one point and we were expecting the worse, major surgery and even worse. I never at the time truly discussed the real graveness of the situation because I couldn’t bear to think about the thought of losing her, let alone tell anyone , so I was very matter of fact about the details I gave, but the last weekend in August we nearly lost her. Thankfully she pulled through only through her mums intervention. Ironically it was during this time her mum and I bonded, and thankfully she has come to realise how much I love her daughter and vice versa and that hopefully we are for keeps .

September and October we dealt with the recovery of my girlfriend , and I decided it was time to bite the bullet and commence gaining my British Sign Language qualifications. All of this was motivated/encouraged by the girlfriend , she’s one determined woman and well basically runs my life for me which is no bad thing, its nice having her at helm!

November arrived with an unwanted visitor. My mum had developed a pressure ulcer in 2009 which took 15 months to heal and it decided to open up again. Luckily we were on the ball and we have saved it being worse that it could have and although it’s doing ok , the medical staff that are looking after it are driving us all nuts,because instead of it being healed by now ,which was a feasible idea they have caused a serious infection to develop ,which is thankfully nearly sorted and so they have caused this to be dragged this into early 2013

Anyways 2013 is nearly upon us and although I don’t make resolutions as a rule ,well not ones immediately starting on January 1st ,I am this year.

First is making an appointment with my doctors for a complete  M.O.T as there a few things which are concerning me at the mo, which I’m not going to divulge further on because it’s non of your beeswax!

Secondly time to tone, I’ve put on a bit of weight this year , which is no bad thing as I’m skinny a rake , but I’m not as toned as I use to be and frankly I DON’T LIKE IT, so that’s a goal that has to be achieved and I think it will help with the whole fitness thing.

Thirdly and most importantly STUDY, STUDY AND MORE STUDY, I have to get that qualification in British Sign language!

Fourthly Get back to reading more and lay off social networks ie FB! I have always been avid reader , but this year that has simply not happened. Usually manage 2 book per month , but not this year! Anyway I have complied a list of books that I want to read , they are as follows :-

Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain by Portia de Rossi (Only because it relates to something my girlfriend has lived through)

The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom

The Paris Wife by Paula McLain

The Sisters: The Saga of the Mitford Family by Mary S Lovell

Scotch Verdict by Lillian Faderman

Zeitoun by Dave Eggers

The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott by Kelly O’Connor McNees

Well these should keep me going for a few months

Finally try to keep up with the blogging (.I have a list of subjects I want to write about!) and the photography which is coming on slowly.

Anyway I know that there are exciting things around the corner for the girlfriend career wise , I can’t say too much at the moment because things have yet to be finalised .

Anyways Happy New Year Everyone . May 2013 bring you much happiness and fulfilment.

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Steps to embracing Christmas and to letting go……

Well I said I would do a ‘Post Christmas’ Blog on how my attempts at embracing Christmas went this year, 

After my blog at the beginning of December my girlfriend and I decided to write a list of things that would help me ‘Embrace’ the Yuletide season ,one because I needed a plan (I function better if I have a list….. I’m anal that way… This will definitely discussed further in a future blog) and two I REALLY wanted to make good/new  memories for not just me but for my mum and my girlfriend.

Anyways step One …… Going for the tree , now as a lover of nature and all things outside as is my mum and my girlfriend we decided on a live tree , that’s to say one that was not cut at the base but one that could be replanted once Christmas was out-of-the-way.

So came the morning of said Christmas Tree shopping, which didn’t go without a hitch, I’d been the loft to retrieve the boxes of Decorations and, I had a massive panic attack which kicked in my asthma, because in retrieving the decorations I had flashbacks of Christmas 1973!. It took me a while to get over , but non the less once I calmed down off we went.

When we arrived there were an array of various trees of all shapes and size’s but most were cut at the base , which I found quite sad. Anyways in a small section of the Garden centre were the live trees and there was particular tree slightly bent, not as athletically pleasing to the eye because it wasn’t perfect and which had been placed in a corner almost out of sight. My girlfriend turned to me and said “That’s the one isn’t it?” , ” Yes” I replied.” anyway with tree bought off we drove home ready to decorate the tree.

Now I ask the girlfriend if I could decorate the tree alone, as this would be a real test for me because if there is one single thing that brings back the awful memories of Christmases gone by is the Christmas tree and Christmas decorations because it evokes a memory of a particular Christmas my dad needed drink, he hadn’t a drink for a couple of days and usually something would stir in him and he get a look in his eyes and he would flip because he had no money to buy any more alcohol and because non was ever kept in the house and he was desperate for a drink he took his frustration out on my mum because as usual she refused to pay for his addiction, that was when I usually had to intervene and literally part them or as on this occasion shield my mum from him and at 7 that was a scary thing to do, but it always stopped him, he usually then take his frustration out on anything in the house , throwing ornaments, damaging furniture and tearing photo’s up and on this particular occasion breaking every single tree bauble and destroying the tree whilst mum and I coward behind the sofa until he would leave the house and we would plan our escape and stay at my mum’s brother’s for the night whilst the demons left him and he put back together the house, the tree , the photo’s with his remorse! I particularly remember this more clearly than any other episode because the day before the destruction occurred my dad and I were playing , laughing and joking and putting the tree up together and he had shown so much love that day and with him destroying the tree it has always felt like a denouncement of his love, it was also the last time I ever decorated a tree with him or in fact enjoyed Christmas and at age 7 that in itself is very sad thing .So yes it was more poignant that I decorate the tree alone and try to remember that day my dad decorated the tree with me instead of him destroying it. I more importantly wanted to remember the love shared between my Dad and I that day. It emotionally drain me, I wept for about two hours afterwards but I had done it.

Step two…… Was a visit to the European Christmas markets held in the City centre. As my girlfriend said it would help me in knowing that not all images of Christmas have to be negative they can be positive. Although I’d been before without her but I had never really enjoyed the experience ,but this time I did manage to enjoy and soak up the atmosphere, it was also lovely spending a bit of time alone with her as things have been a bit manic of late as my mum hasn’t been that well and as I am my mum’s full-time carer we haven’t had any proper time alone together.

Step three …….. Presents, wrapping paper and sellotape. I decided to buy some small gifts for my mum and girlfriend, which I wrapped and hid until the big day.

It was at this point I started to become overwhelmed with the pressure of everything. One by the guilt of the blog I just written and two because of the memory that kept coming back every time I saw the Christmas tree.

Whilst all this was going on my mum had developed a serious infection, one that changed all our plans for Christmas. As we were going to spend Christmas day with my girlfriends parents and grandmother, obviously I couldn’t leave my mum and neither would my girlfriend leave us. I could see the same scenario of Christmas happening all over again. I was on complete edge and my girlfriend and I started to argue more and more until the point I used my mum’s infection to push her away , because I was so scared I was going to ruin Christmas for her and so I told her to go and spend Christmas with her parents. So she left , obviously I didn’t want her to go but what choice did I have. I had a sick mum to look after , I was on edge and could feel myself withdrawing I didn’t want that to be her memory or that of my mum’s for Christmas 2012. I cried all that day and when I wasn’t looking after my mum I spent it alone. During that evening ironically the Christmas tree fell over and that was it I cried like a baby. That evening my girlfriend returned and she wrote me a letter of all my faults cos she was mad at me and also in there was a letter which basically summed up my reason’s for hating Christmas , she is first one to actually realise what this fear/hate of Christmas was all about and that basically I associate Christmas with love , or more importantly the destruction of love. You see in all the time my dad was alive he never actually told me he loved me. I although he showed love , and I knew he loved me. I always doubted that the love was genuine, because of that one Christmas with that tree and how he had shown love one day but within the next day he destroyed it and that’s the thing that brings it back. As my girlfriend said all year you can convince yourself that he loved you but then Christmas comes and it brings all those doubts back again, one period in time ,not lasting no more than an hour has eaten away at me for forty years! As she said there was no doubt he loved me, if hadn’t of loved me he would have never accepted my sexuality which he did, with that there is no doubt. He wouldn’t have sung my praises as people she met have told her he did and how him and I were close and we were. As she said one moment in time, at time when my dad was ill should now be but to rest and so it has, as if it hadn’t I could not of explained that memory in detail, as I have done now.

We both put the tree back up and decorated it together and so the rest of Christmas went well, we all had a lovely time, my mum was feeling better , the table was set and lunch was delightful and we raised a glass to my dad, to our families, to happy memories and our love for each other , a perfect end to embracing perfect Christmas.

Next Blog a review of 2012 and my resolutions for 2013.

May contain Rants

It's all in the genes!……….

Well its been about two maybe three weeks since my last blog. Christmas has come and gone and I will try to do a separate blog about how this Christmas went, hopefully sometime before New Year (all being well). But first I need to address two things regarding my last blog and also introduce you properly to my mum. Firstly I want to say thank you to some of my friends who sent private messages to me, your words meant a lot.

Secondly and more importantly posting the last blog although as cathartic as it was , did leave me feeling raw. I was racked with guilt and felt I had betrayed my dad and his memory because, one I don’t want people thinking my mother was a weak fragile doormat … she wasn’t and that I had a terrible childhood … I didn’t , yes there were lots of moments and episodes that I wish hadn’t happened but they did and yes subconsciously they did affect me and excuse me if I beat my own drum but  I actually think I’ve ended up  quite a well grounded sort of person considering everything that has happened, I know I’m definitely stronger than most people give me credit for.    

I also don’t want people thinking my dad was an awful man because that was not the case, especially in the years he stopped depending on drink. When my dad died he wasn’t the man who drank .He was the man who had hidden behind the drink for all those years. Looking back I strongly do feel that he had suffered from depressive episodes during his life, probably as result of his dad being murdered when he was 16 and unfortunately unlike my mum’s family ,he never received the correct support so he found solace in things that weren’t necessarily right but helped him with pain he felt at that moment and thus the vicious circle commenced!
You have to remember my father had been sober , free from addiction for a good few years when died,. He was a man who stood by his wife when she needed him most and remained there until he died, (despite their break up’s and there were many and their turbulent relationship, the violence which was definitely the worst aspect of his alcoholism, they never stopped loving each other.) I am very aware that my dad could easily have remained hidden behind a bottle because things got tough and believe me those early days/month’s and year’s of my mum’s illness were the toughest years I know I witnessed,but he didn’t, he dealt with his demons and was there when we both needed him the most and as result I became the woman I am now. Away from this illness that had taken so much of him , we discovered a wonderful man. A man of tolerance, kindness and generosity. A final testament to my dad’s character was the number of people who attended his funeral…. there were over 200 people in attendance , I still feel overwhelmed when I recall seeing all of them outside the church that August afternoon. So despite everything that happened , the bad memories I hold which unfortunately stain his character at Christmas, I will always be proud be his daughter.

Now as to every coin there are two sides, as this is the case with my character, the fundamental things that make me tick and ultimately what makes me want to write and make me value the things I believe in and I’m not necessarily referring to religious beliefs when I say that . I feel I should introduce you to my mum . How can I put it , she is singularly THE most important person in my life, (now I have a girlfriend who I adore and thankfully understands this and does not feel threatened by it.)

My mum has single-handedly taught me more about life and how to conduct myself through it than any other person alive or dead. But that’s to be attributed to the way she has conducted herself through her life .I feel it only right that I start at the beginning to explain what I mean when I say that. Now as a child at about 6 years old she became very ill and she developed T.B meningitis, she lost her mother at the age of 9 and also her eldest sister who was just 22 when she died , both her mother and sister also had T.B. My mum had an experimental operation which saved her life , but it was at the cost of her hearing . Now my mum was lucky enough to have a father who had a no-nonsense kind of attitude to life , who had not only just lost his wife, his eldest child and was also witness to his youngest daughter (my mum) fighting for her life. He also kept his remaining three children together, held down a full-time job,and didn’t have the privilege of care leave or child care as is the case today, in the late forties early 1950’s these things did not simply exist. Anyway after my mum spent two yeas in hospital , as a no-nonsense kind of man he paid for my mum to go to boarding school as he had the hindsight to know she needed a head start because there were no special provisions for disabled people back then. As result my grandfather’s intervention she ended up working in a hearing environment as a secretary.Remarkable for its time , never once has my mum ever let her disability stand in way, but unfortunately society and it’s environment have!

My mum went back into work working in a film archives as a cutter/editor when I was 8, I became a latch key child, this was at a time when my dad’s drinking was at its worst and money had to be put on the table namely by my mum!
When my mother was 45 the after effects of the experimental operation she had as child came back to haunt her and she began find it difficult to walk. she had a spinal operation which found adhesion’s from the medication used were slowly killing her nervous system and again down to the wonders of medicine my mum survived but at a further loss of her ability to walk, subsequently as this was happening, she also battled breast cancer twice and ovarian cancer and yet she is still with us. With not word of complaint. Nor has there ever been any moments she has felt sorry for herself. A true survivor in every sense of the word and as a result values her life more preciously than any other person I know and as out of respect I try to live my life in the same way. (Sometimes it is more difficult , than you think, but somehow her strength always gets me through!)

It’s important you also know I do not write these blogs to gain sympathy or anything egotistical, I purely write , one for myself because I enjoy writing as it calms my mind (because I have inherited the depressive gene off my dad!) and two I need to have a rant every so often because let’s be frank most people in this world are feckin annoying and stupid and are so feckin preoccupied with whats wrong with their life that they forget was right with it. Although I find it’s best deal with such people head on sometimes it’s not always the time nor the place and sometimes nothing can beat a good old rant!!

So that’s it , my character summarized in two blogs, and will explain what I write and the reason I write about certain things in future blogs. Nothing to more to declare, except the most important word to me is FAMILY and although mine haven’t always had an easy ride of it , we have stuck it out , and dealt with things head on and just got on with our lives as most of us do, but I suppose it’s all down to the genes and I am very thankful for mine.

May contain Rants

It’s all in the genes!……….

Well its been about two maybe three weeks since my last blog. Christmas has come and gone and I will try to do a separate blog about how this Christmas went, hopefully sometime before New Year (all being well). But first I need to address two things regarding my last blog and also introduce you properly to my mum. Firstly I want to say thank you to some of my friends who sent private messages to me, your words meant a lot.

Secondly and more importantly posting the last blog although as cathartic as it was , did leave me feeling raw. I was racked with guilt and felt I had betrayed my dad and his memory because, one I don’t want people thinking my mother was a weak fragile doormat … she wasn’t and that I had a terrible childhood … I didn’t , yes there were lots of moments and episodes that I wish hadn’t happened but they did and yes subconsciously they did affect me and excuse me if I beat my own drum but  I actually think I’ve ended up  quite a well grounded sort of person considering everything that has happened, I know I’m definitely stronger than most people give me credit for.    

I also don’t want people thinking my dad was an awful man because that was not the case, especially in the years he stopped depending on drink. When my dad died he wasn’t the man who drank .He was the man who had hidden behind the drink for all those years. Looking back I strongly do feel that he had suffered from depressive episodes during his life, probably as result of his dad being murdered when he was 16 and unfortunately unlike my mum’s family ,he never received the correct support so he found solace in things that weren’t necessarily right but helped him with pain he felt at that moment and thus the vicious circle commenced!
You have to remember my father had been sober , free from addiction for a good few years when died,. He was a man who stood by his wife when she needed him most and remained there until he died, (despite their break up’s and there were many and their turbulent relationship, the violence which was definitely the worst aspect of his alcoholism, they never stopped loving each other.) I am very aware that my dad could easily have remained hidden behind a bottle because things got tough and believe me those early days/month’s and year’s of my mum’s illness were the toughest years I know I witnessed,but he didn’t, he dealt with his demons and was there when we both needed him the most and as result I became the woman I am now. Away from this illness that had taken so much of him , we discovered a wonderful man. A man of tolerance, kindness and generosity. A final testament to my dad’s character was the number of people who attended his funeral…. there were over 200 people in attendance , I still feel overwhelmed when I recall seeing all of them outside the church that August afternoon. So despite everything that happened , the bad memories I hold which unfortunately stain his character at Christmas, I will always be proud be his daughter.

Now as to every coin there are two sides, as this is the case with my character, the fundamental things that make me tick and ultimately what makes me want to write and make me value the things I believe in and I’m not necessarily referring to religious beliefs when I say that . I feel I should introduce you to my mum . How can I put it , she is singularly THE most important person in my life, (now I have a girlfriend who I adore and thankfully understands this and does not feel threatened by it.)

My mum has single-handedly taught me more about life and how to conduct myself through it than any other person alive or dead. But that’s to be attributed to the way she has conducted herself through her life .I feel it only right that I start at the beginning to explain what I mean when I say that. Now as a child at about 6 years old she became very ill and she developed T.B meningitis, she lost her mother at the age of 9 and also her eldest sister who was just 22 when she died , both her mother and sister also had T.B. My mum had an experimental operation which saved her life , but it was at the cost of her hearing . Now my mum was lucky enough to have a father who had a no-nonsense kind of attitude to life , who had not only just lost his wife, his eldest child and was also witness to his youngest daughter (my mum) fighting for her life. He also kept his remaining three children together, held down a full-time job,and didn’t have the privilege of care leave or child care as is the case today, in the late forties early 1950’s these things did not simply exist. Anyway after my mum spent two yeas in hospital , as a no-nonsense kind of man he paid for my mum to go to boarding school as he had the hindsight to know she needed a head start because there were no special provisions for disabled people back then. As result my grandfather’s intervention she ended up working in a hearing environment as a secretary.Remarkable for its time , never once has my mum ever let her disability stand in way, but unfortunately society and it’s environment have!

My mum went back into work working in a film archives as a cutter/editor when I was 8, I became a latch key child, this was at a time when my dad’s drinking was at its worst and money had to be put on the table namely by my mum!
When my mother was 45 the after effects of the experimental operation she had as child came back to haunt her and she began find it difficult to walk. she had a spinal operation which found adhesion’s from the medication used were slowly killing her nervous system and again down to the wonders of medicine my mum survived but at a further loss of her ability to walk, subsequently as this was happening, she also battled breast cancer twice and ovarian cancer and yet she is still with us. With not word of complaint. Nor has there ever been any moments she has felt sorry for herself. A true survivor in every sense of the word and as a result values her life more preciously than any other person I know and as out of respect I try to live my life in the same way. (Sometimes it is more difficult , than you think, but somehow her strength always gets me through!)

It’s important you also know I do not write these blogs to gain sympathy or anything egotistical, I purely write , one for myself because I enjoy writing as it calms my mind (because I have inherited the depressive gene off my dad!) and two I need to have a rant every so often because let’s be frank most people in this world are feckin annoying and stupid and are so feckin preoccupied with whats wrong with their life that they forget was right with it. Although I find it’s best deal with such people head on sometimes it’s not always the time nor the place and sometimes nothing can beat a good old rant!!

So that’s it , my character summarized in two blogs, and will explain what I write and the reason I write about certain things in future blogs. Nothing to more to declare, except the most important word to me is FAMILY and although mine haven’t always had an easy ride of it , we have stuck it out , and dealt with things head on and just got on with our lives as most of us do, but I suppose it’s all down to the genes and I am very thankful for mine.

May contain Rants

Honesty at Christmas………

Well I wasn’t going to write another post until after Christmas , to be honest I just want the whole sorry saga to be over with. But after talking to my girlfriend who read my last post, and who commented that she felt in her opinion I had been both evasive and flippant about tagging it ‘Christmas ‘ and ‘Depression’ and  I have to agree she is  right. She thinks it would do me good just to explain myself properly , she’s thinks it will be cathartic for me  and again I think she is right on this too!  ( She usual is). So I have decided to do another posting on Christmas and depression, no humour ,  no quips, nothing , this posting is me laid bare.

Now not in a million years  did I ever think I would be publicly putting this out there. Now there are about 2 maybe possibly 3 people in the world who know this part of me and reason’s why I suppose I grew into the adult I am, one person being my mother and the second my girlfriend.

Another reason why I am doing this is that maybe there is a small chance that someone reading this can relate to it and realise they are not alone and that my story is not unusual and maybe  they won’t end up damaging themselves . I am living proof of the damage that can happen. But I am also proof the damage is reversible and I am getting better and that’s down to my amazing partner. I just wish I had been able to search the internet when I was younger and find out that I was not on my own and just maybe things might have turned out different.

Anyway here goes , In my about profile I have said that I have suffered from depression since I was a child, I think I had my first depressive episode when I was about 8. I remember seeing lots of  doctors and the like and I remember all they  said was that ,all that was wrong with me was that I was that a sensitive child and as I had no siblings I found it difficult to mix and I that I would grow out of it ….I DIDN’T I JUST BECAME RATHER GOOD AT PRETENDING EVERYTHING WAS OK! The truth was that my little close-knit family which consisted of me , my dad and mum were hiding a secret. That my father was an alcoholic, Now it pains me even to write this because he is no longer here, he passed away 8 years ago , I feel I am betraying him and his memory but I am still alive and I still live with the repercussions of his alcoholism but I have a wonderful supportive partner and  Mother, I don’t want this to burden me any longer so  it’s time to let it go and be honest.

Now I want to make one thing absolutely clear I adored my father , I loved him so much , still do and I miss him so much. He was a wonderful caring funny man  but his alcoholism ruined my childhood ……fact…… his alcoholism  caused my depression to manifest itself when I was a child and as a result made me have low self-esteem , anger , and suffer from loneliness and embarrassment.

When he was sober he was the most wonderful father but his alcoholism made him dishonest, and selfish. It wasn’t pleasant growing up with an alcoholic , problem being that sometimes I felt I had two dads one who was nice and loving and the other a violent nasty drunk, which lead to my distrust and fear of not only him but people in general and as a result I started living two lives one away from the  alcoholism and the other in depths of it. It has ruined friendships and relationships because to this day I find it difficult to trust people and I bottle things up, but now having support and love after finding someone I can trust and I have tested her on this and each time she has never let me down ,so  I am learning to trust and open up with her help.

As a child of alcoholic parent you firmly put the blame on yourselves for your parents addiction ,I know I did, I tried to do well at school , I tried not to get into trouble , did the littlest things to please him which in some bizarre way you think you’ll change and cure your parent of their addiction but it doesn’t. Nothing I ever did cured him of this illness and it is an illness.

My mum shielded me from a lot of the things that happened as a result of my fathers alcoholism , but there were times I witnessed things no child should have to witness. Chaos and stress ruled our home , it wasn’t a nice place to be sometimes. Weekends and Holidays were awful, which brings me to Christmas .

Now when most people look back on   Christmases , they have fond  nostalgic memories of Decorating the Christmas trees , presents  , Aromas of Childhood of Christmases gone by. For me Christmas is the one time my childhood and my father’s alcoholism shows its self  in all it’s glory  and all the unhappy memories come flooding back. Something as innocuous a carol or a colour of a christmas  decoration or even the smell of mince pies can trigger and unlock those memories, which you try to keep buried. The depression kicks , the feeling of anxiousness  all come back, you don’t sleep because you have nightmares and panic attacks , it shows itself in the weirdest ways.

So that’s why I hate Christmas it instills the fear I had all my childhood, that I become that small little 7-year-old girl again cowering behind the sofa whilst her father in a few minutes destroys the Christmas tree and it’s decorations and with it the magic of Christmas thereon after all because he needed a drink and he didn’t have  access to any.

On a positive note my father did however eventually seek help for his addiction only because my mum became ill, it was the wake up call he needed  but I know there were times he battled with addiction  right up to the time he died and I know it wasn’t easy for any of us because you always had that underlining fear that today would be the day he give in and have another drink . Christmas still posed a problem because of the booze was all around.

I am in my mid forties and to this day every Christmas I feel the same. I so want to embrace the magic of Christmas again but truth is I’m scared to because in doing so I  go back and unlock the unhappiness, may be this Christmas is the Christmas  I might not and maybe I can create happy memories for once..